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Lenore Skenazy's columns appear on Wednesdays and Sundays, with a usually lighthearted look at our city, our government and our (or at least HER) family, including a 3-year-old who shrieks with frustration when mommy won't let him hold the chainsaw, and a 5-year-old who wants her to explain the Apollo missions again, especially the part about escaping the Earth's gravitational pull. ("It's like a big, invisible seatbelt, hon.")
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He scurries underground, curses in public and, until last month, he got his checkups from a doctor higher than the national deficit.
Really! Dick Cheney's doc was addicted to prescription drugs all the time he was taking care of the veep. This perhaps explains how he could vouch that Cheney had a heart - and that it was working.
Sober Americans, however, seem less and less certain about this. According to a CBS/New York Times poll released last month, Cheney's unfavorability rating has tripled over the past two years, while his favorability rating has sunk to 22%. Sara Lee, he's not.
Though he does bear a certain resemblance to an older, bitter Pillsbury Doughboy.
Folks with long memories (or decent Googling skills) will recall that this is a guy who, as Wyoming's representative in the 1980s, voted against sanctioning South Africa for apartheid. Against Head Start. Against a ban on "cop-killing" bullets.
No wonder so many upstanding citizens - and former Sen. Alfonse D'Amato - are asking whether it is time to stick a pitchfork in Vice President Cheney.
For now, the President insists no. Cheney's his man. Gotta stay the course ... blah, blah, blah. But this could change if the volatile veep tries any or all of the following:
* Offers to take Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor kitten shooting.

* Whittles front teeth to fine points.

* Releases a video of himself and energy task force surrounding a kneeling, blindfolded Michael Moore.

* Snarls to press next day, "It was a joke! Lighten up."

* Shaves Exxon logo into chest hair.

* Citing national fuel shortage, green-lights trans-Central Park pipeline.

* Taps Whitney Houston as White House cardiologist.

* Taps Bobby Brown as her nurse.

* Starts calling "W" "Double Me."

* Covers all mirrors in vice presidential mansion.

* Pops out of cake at gay weddings and destroys all CDs of "YMCA."

* Insists Apache helicopters be renamed "Apacheney helicopters."

* Arm-twists Iyad Allawi into renaming Baghdad "Dickville."

* Tells D'Amato exactly where he can put his political recommendations.

* Later apologizes, saying, "I meant that's where you can put your HEAD."

* Requests network airtime to warn John Edwards' son, "Suck that thumb one more time and let's see if it's still attached in the morning."

* Has to pinch himself not to snicker when Katie Couric anxiously asks him, "Any word on Michael Moore?"

Originally published on July 13, 2004

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