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MY STEAM-PUNK, PARALLEL UNIVERSE FRENCH OPEN LRC THREAD… MAYBE NOT YOUR THING, BUT I HAD SOME TIME TO KILL AND NEEDED TO WRITE SOMETHING GOOFY TO RELIEVE STRESS IN MY LIFE...
ELENA D. WALKS INTO THE LOCKERROOM AT … WELL, SHE HAS A STRANGE FEELING IT’S NOT ROLAND GARROS, BUT IT IS A MAJOR TENNIS COMPLEX IN FRANCE. SVETA, MASHA THE LESSER, VIKA, NADIA, ALL DRESSED IN VICTORIAN STYLE MAID ATTIRE WORK FURIOUSLY—SVETA STRINGS A RACKET, MAKIRI SHINES SHOES, VIKA SEWS ON THE HEM OF A FULL-LENGTH TENNIS DRESS, NADIA IS REGRIPPING ANOTHER RACKET…
LENA:
What on earth…
NADIA:
Well, if it is the great-granddaughter of the greatest choking idiot in all of Russia…
LENA;
No! I saw the poll on tennisforum! Sveta beat me, I swear!
SVETA:
Hey, no fair!
MAKIRI:
She’s talking about your great-grandfather, General Dementiev, who, at the Battle of Borodino…
VIKA:
Just when it seemed the Russian Empire would drive back the French, was ordered to charge…
NADIA:
And in a moment of blind, choking panic, attacked in the wrong direction.
SVETA:
Russia lost. Sveta sad. Sveta no get to play tennis. Sveta just racket caddy for nice French lady now.
LENA:
What? Russia has all the best tennis players. Well, except for Serena and Venus…
SVETA:
Shhh! Not say those names!!
NADIA:
And go put on some clothes, you shameless hussy. You can’t just stand around in your underthings like that.
LENA:
What? These are my tennis clothes?
MAKIRI:
Please. Russian girls aren’t allowed to play tennis. And no decent lady goes around showing her arms and legs.
LENA:
Decent? I’m such a prude I don’t even kiss my boyfriend! Mommy Vera still supervises all my dates!
SVETA:
Sveta sorry to hear about Maxim. He pretty man.
LENA:
What? What happened to Maxim?
VIKA:
You’re starting to piss me off, you blonde idiot. We all know Max got captured by the Anglo-American Empire and sent to their worst prison camp.
LENA:
Maxim is in Gitmo?
MAKIRI:
Worse. Much worse. He’s in Buffalo.
LENA:
Have I stumbled into some bizarre parallel universe? Or am I serving for a match and just having a worse panic attack than usual?
ENTER CARO:
What’s this? Why is my racket caddy standing around in her underwear? Get dressed at once Elena. I don’t have all day.
LENA:
Well, at least this part makes sense…Caro does pretty much own my ass these days.
ENTER JUSTINE AND A PREGNANT KIM.
JUSTINE:
Allez! Allez!
VIKA:
I HATE it when she does that! Shuddap already! I’ll be done in a minute!
JUSTINE:
Impertinent little bitch! Where is my other racket caddy and my stool!
ENTER SAFINA CARRYING A STOOL.
JUSTINE:
Put down the stool.
SAFINA SETS THE STOOL DOWN IN FRONT OF VIKA. JUSTINE CLIMBS ON TOP OF IT TO SLAP VIKA.
Maybe that will teach you some manners!
VIKA:
Yeah.
LENA:
Wait… I thought you had retired…and I thought Kim already had her baby.
SVETA:
O lordy! Sveta don’t know nothing ‘bout birthing no babies!
KIM:
Sveta…you know, I’ll go to the hospital, you know. It’s the, you know, modern thing, to, you know, do.
SVETA:
Sveta not know. That’s what Sveta just say. Why no one ever listen to Sveta?
JUSTINE:
Why would I retire? I just won the Grand Slam for the second straight time!
LENA:
No, because Serena just won the Australian…
JUSTINE:
The Australian? Who cares about those Anglo-American fake slams! I’m talking about the real Slams—the French, the Spanish and the Batavian Opens! You better watch it with your talk about those fake foreign slams. Your already a known associate of the terrorist Myskina and her RFLFF!
LENA:
The RFLFF?
KIM:
You know, the Russian Fucking Liberation Fucking Front …
ENTER THE SERB SISTERS AND THE SLOVAKS.
JUSTINE:
If it isn’t our beloved Austrian allies…
MEANWHILE, AT A LARGE FIELD OUTSIDE OF LONDON…
RICHARD WILLIAMS MEETS WITH HIS DAUGHTERS. THEY STAND BESIDE AN ORNATE STEAM-POWERED ZEPPELIN TYPE AIRSHIP WITH ORNATE PARACHUTES ON THEIR BACKS…
VEE:
Dad, are you sure this is a good idea.
RICHARD:
Brilliant idea. Best idea I’ve ever had.
REE:
Just dropping us into the middle of Paris in broad daylight…
VEE:
Shouldn’t we send an army or something?
RICHARD:
That’s what everybody expects. That’s just what the tennis establishment would have us do. I don’t listen to them. Now, here’s your pilot…
ENTER ALEXA GLATCH.
VEE:
Dad, she can’t even drive a steam-powered bicycle!
ALEXA:
Hey, this is a very risky flight. We could very easily crash.
REE:
Yes. Which is why we want a different pilot.
ALEXA:
Please, I must have survived 50, 60 crashes. Where else you gonna find a pilot with that kind of experience?
(TO BE CONTINUED...)
ELENA D. WALKS INTO THE LOCKERROOM AT … WELL, SHE HAS A STRANGE FEELING IT’S NOT ROLAND GARROS, BUT IT IS A MAJOR TENNIS COMPLEX IN FRANCE. SVETA, MASHA THE LESSER, VIKA, NADIA, ALL DRESSED IN VICTORIAN STYLE MAID ATTIRE WORK FURIOUSLY—SVETA STRINGS A RACKET, MAKIRI SHINES SHOES, VIKA SEWS ON THE HEM OF A FULL-LENGTH TENNIS DRESS, NADIA IS REGRIPPING ANOTHER RACKET…
LENA:
What on earth…
NADIA:
Well, if it is the great-granddaughter of the greatest choking idiot in all of Russia…
LENA;
No! I saw the poll on tennisforum! Sveta beat me, I swear!
SVETA:
Hey, no fair!
MAKIRI:
She’s talking about your great-grandfather, General Dementiev, who, at the Battle of Borodino…
VIKA:
Just when it seemed the Russian Empire would drive back the French, was ordered to charge…
NADIA:
And in a moment of blind, choking panic, attacked in the wrong direction.
SVETA:
Russia lost. Sveta sad. Sveta no get to play tennis. Sveta just racket caddy for nice French lady now.
LENA:
What? Russia has all the best tennis players. Well, except for Serena and Venus…
SVETA:
Shhh! Not say those names!!
NADIA:
And go put on some clothes, you shameless hussy. You can’t just stand around in your underthings like that.
LENA:
What? These are my tennis clothes?
MAKIRI:
Please. Russian girls aren’t allowed to play tennis. And no decent lady goes around showing her arms and legs.
LENA:
Decent? I’m such a prude I don’t even kiss my boyfriend! Mommy Vera still supervises all my dates!
SVETA:
Sveta sorry to hear about Maxim. He pretty man.
LENA:
What? What happened to Maxim?
VIKA:
You’re starting to piss me off, you blonde idiot. We all know Max got captured by the Anglo-American Empire and sent to their worst prison camp.
LENA:
Maxim is in Gitmo?
MAKIRI:
Worse. Much worse. He’s in Buffalo.
LENA:
Have I stumbled into some bizarre parallel universe? Or am I serving for a match and just having a worse panic attack than usual?
ENTER CARO:
What’s this? Why is my racket caddy standing around in her underwear? Get dressed at once Elena. I don’t have all day.
LENA:
Well, at least this part makes sense…Caro does pretty much own my ass these days.
ENTER JUSTINE AND A PREGNANT KIM.
JUSTINE:
Allez! Allez!
VIKA:
I HATE it when she does that! Shuddap already! I’ll be done in a minute!
JUSTINE:
Impertinent little bitch! Where is my other racket caddy and my stool!
ENTER SAFINA CARRYING A STOOL.
JUSTINE:
Put down the stool.
SAFINA SETS THE STOOL DOWN IN FRONT OF VIKA. JUSTINE CLIMBS ON TOP OF IT TO SLAP VIKA.
Maybe that will teach you some manners!
VIKA:
Yeah.
LENA:
Wait… I thought you had retired…and I thought Kim already had her baby.
SVETA:
O lordy! Sveta don’t know nothing ‘bout birthing no babies!
KIM:
Sveta…you know, I’ll go to the hospital, you know. It’s the, you know, modern thing, to, you know, do.
SVETA:
Sveta not know. That’s what Sveta just say. Why no one ever listen to Sveta?
JUSTINE:
Why would I retire? I just won the Grand Slam for the second straight time!
LENA:
No, because Serena just won the Australian…
JUSTINE:
The Australian? Who cares about those Anglo-American fake slams! I’m talking about the real Slams—the French, the Spanish and the Batavian Opens! You better watch it with your talk about those fake foreign slams. Your already a known associate of the terrorist Myskina and her RFLFF!
LENA:
The RFLFF?
KIM:
You know, the Russian Fucking Liberation Fucking Front …
ENTER THE SERB SISTERS AND THE SLOVAKS.
JUSTINE:
If it isn’t our beloved Austrian allies…
MEANWHILE, AT A LARGE FIELD OUTSIDE OF LONDON…
RICHARD WILLIAMS MEETS WITH HIS DAUGHTERS. THEY STAND BESIDE AN ORNATE STEAM-POWERED ZEPPELIN TYPE AIRSHIP WITH ORNATE PARACHUTES ON THEIR BACKS…
VEE:
Dad, are you sure this is a good idea.
RICHARD:
Brilliant idea. Best idea I’ve ever had.
REE:
Just dropping us into the middle of Paris in broad daylight…
VEE:
Shouldn’t we send an army or something?
RICHARD:
That’s what everybody expects. That’s just what the tennis establishment would have us do. I don’t listen to them. Now, here’s your pilot…
ENTER ALEXA GLATCH.
VEE:
Dad, she can’t even drive a steam-powered bicycle!
ALEXA:
Hey, this is a very risky flight. We could very easily crash.
REE:
Yes. Which is why we want a different pilot.
ALEXA:
Please, I must have survived 50, 60 crashes. Where else you gonna find a pilot with that kind of experience?
(TO BE CONTINUED...)
