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The Future Sun Times: "Monica Drives Away With The Acura; Seles' Sizzlin' Summer !"

"Monica Drives Away With The Acura; Seles' Sizzlin' Summer !"

c The Assholeciated Press

Los Angeles, CAL. (AP)- Monica Seles, who stole the hearts of tennis fans with her storied climb, forced fall, and reclimb of the women's tennis rankings, has apparently developed a taste for stealing.

The Acura Classic is one of the premiere women's tennis tournaments with prize monies teetering into the one million dollar range. In addition to a frightfully large cash prize, the champion has traditionally received a brand new Acura car. Ironically, the Acura is usually the cheapest vehicle parked on the grounds of the La Costa Resort and Spa located in ritzy Carlsbad, CA, as the event has become a scheduled stop on the party train of favorite glitterati events. One would think with all of this money to throw around, tournament officials would think to purchase a car alarm for the champion's prize.

Shortly after winning the Acura Classic, Serena Williams walked out of the stadium to find her brand new Acura speeding from the parking lot. The culprit? None other than runner-up Monica Seles! Serena said she knew it was Monica by the loud grunting of "Ayieeeee!!!" as the car shifted gears and layed rubber while tearing out of the parking lot. "The poofy ponytail locked up in a scrunchy just confirmed my suspicions." a dejected Serena told police officers.

Where was Monica going? That is left to speculation. However eyewitnesses have reported sightings of the missing Acura headed toward New York at blinding speeds. The US Open perhaps? Time will tell, however tournament sponsors have already taken notice. A spokesperson for Ford Motors Inc. was quoted as saying, "Although we do not offer a new car as a prize, we are all installing Lojack on our personal vehicles, in case Monica gets any ideas".

08/03/03 14:05 PDT

Copyright 2003 The Assholeciated Press.
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