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Team WTAworld, Senior Member
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JANUARY
"F___ing arsey c__t." - Shane Warne decides against using a boring old "Well played" to Zimbabwe's Stuart Carlisle.

"I was talking to a guy on the piss-trough today . . . " - Pat Rafter starts one of those anecdotes you're not sure you really want to hear.

"You just feel that until Sampras is beaten in this tournament he is very capable of winning it." - John Barrett, showing what it takes to be the Voice Of Tennis.

FEBRUARY
"I don't agree with the theory that jockeys are born to ride. Jesus Christ was born in a stable and never rode a winner." - Queensland trainer Mick Mair.


"It is sometimes hard to get all the information on boxers and we obviously missed the fact that Darrin was dead. It is regrettable." - Francisco Valcarcel, president of the World Boxing Organisation, responding to the fact that Detroit super-middleweight Darrin Morris had been climbing in the WBO's rankings despite the fact that he is dead. When Morris died (of meningitis, aged 32) he was ranked seventh in the division by the WBO. After his death that ranking climbed to sixth and then fifth before the "problem" was discovered.

MARCH
"I wonder if the pitch will do anything. With respect, it's hard to tell with Robert Croft bowling." - BBC cricket commentator Jonathon Agnew in Sri Lanka.

"I think I know the difference between a wedgie and someone putting their fingers up my bum." - Cowboy forward Peter Jones disputes the suggestion of John Hopoate's counsel Bernard Gross QC that his client was merely administering a wedgie.

"They're so enthusiastic, they've been busting their balls at training." - Australian netball vice-captain Liz Ellis shows a limited knowledge of anatomy as she praises the young women in the national squad.

APRIL
"I have to say I wasn't looking forward to today in any way, shape or form. I had a very nervous morning on the toilet, to be truthful." - David Parkin gives way more detail than required when revealing that he wasn't relishing his present club Hawthorn playing his former club Carlton.

"He was a prick, basically - and that's paying him a compliment." - Steve Waugh on Indian skipper Sourav Ganguly.

"Everyone's on about Tiger Woods winning the four major golf championships. Take Tiger out of golf and put him in another sport and ask him to be the best at that...I showed I was the best on the field in rugby league. Get the tapes out and you'll see who was the man." - Anthony Mundine, before fighting Timo Masua.

"I should also make the point that there have been a lot of tests carried out on our athletes and they've all been very positive." - Prime Minister John Howard sticks his feet firmly in his mouth while reaffirming Australia's commitment to drug-free sport.

"Corey goes to buy his lunch and Maria the Greek lady wants to tell him how he's not getting the ball. He goes out to get in his car and the parking inspector tells him what he's doing wrong, and then he goes home and the little kid next door's saying, 'Why don't you get a kick, Corey?'" - Kangaroos coach Denis Pagan on the sort of pressure that Corey McKernan finds himself under.

MAY
"I don't want the captain of my country looking like that, like a yob. That's not a hairstyle he's had done - it's a mess. Worse than that, far worse, it's a downright insult to one of the most prestigious posts in sport." - Brian Clough gives his expert tonsorial opinion on David Beckham's Mohawk.

"I've been talking to a few pelicans lately, and I might have to do a job on these seagulls sooner or later, get a bigger bird out there... They breed like rabbits, seagulls, they're everywhere." - Kevin Sheedy works a little too hard at building his reputation as a "character".

JUNE
"Last year I played very good here and then went to Wimbledon and played like a ******. This year, I played like a ****** here, so maybe I'll do well at Wimbledon." - Goran Ivanisevic, after bombing out at Queen's.

"Some jerk said something about putting injured players back on the ground. For some imbecile, some dingbat to suggest we would risk a player by doing it makes me absolutely furious. Jerks - that's what you're dealing with in some instances." - St Kilda coach Malcolm Blight on the AFL banning on-ground post-match warm-downs.

JULY
"You'd think I'd rounded up every baby kangaroo in the land and drowned them in front of a class of orphans." - British & Irish Lions winger Austin Healey shows no remorse after being roundly criticised for calling rookie Wallaby second-rower Justin Harrison an ape, a plod and a plank.

"Every time when I go to bed I think of him." - Dutch super-swimmer Pieter van den Hoogenband comes clean about his obsession with Ian Thorpe.

"Pope John Paul could be out here racing and they'd say he's on dope." - Lance Armstrong, sick of drug smears on the Tour de France.

AUGUST
"If I hang in there, it will come around. Someone will twist an ankle and I'll win." - Pat Rafter. Almost right, Pat. After making his fourth successive final and having lost the previous three, Rafter triumphed at the final of the Indianapolis Hardcourt Championship when Gustavo Kuerten had to retire with a rib injury. Spooky...

"We were told to play like a bunch of hard bitches, and that's what we did." - Adelaide thunderbirds defender Sarah Sutter tells the adoring home crowd how the T-Birds overcame Melbourne Phoenix in their grudge preliminary final. Phoenix coach Joyce Brown described Sutter's comments as "a great disappointment".

SEPTEMBER
"I knew he was wounded, but he doesn't leave the field unless he's dead." - Ben Kennedy, on his Newcastle Knights skipper Andrew Johns.

"They're not allowing guns and knives are they, on the field? It's only bare hands allowed. We won't need to be too scared, but if there were guns, then that would be hard." - Leigh Matthews gets a little silly before the Brisbane-Essendon AFL Grand Final.

"At his best, he was superb. But it's a classic case of somebody having stayed too long. It ended up in an orgy of self-glorification." - The splendidly-named IOC delegate Dick Pound gets stuck into his long-time mentor Juan Antonio Samaranch.

OCTOBER
"Britain is obviously one of the world powers and they [terrorists] bombed the World Trade Centre which is a landmark in itself, and over in Britain you've got Buckingham Palace and the Eiffel Tower, which are big buildings so to speak, so maybe they'll be on the agenda next." - Robbie Kearns is worried about the Kangaroos tour. Everyone else is worried about Robbie.

"I am a supreme being of the Creator. Those spineless crackers out there have been death-riding me from day one. All you rednecks, fools and bigots, see this pen going on paper? The original Aboriginal is on his way to the top." - Anthony Mundine, announcing he had signed a contract to meet IBF world super-middleweight champ Sven Ottke.

"Is he quick? I was s__ing myself!" - Matthew Hayden gives the thumbs up to fellow Queenslander and emerging paceman Mitchell Johnson after facing him in the nets.

NOVEMBER
"If we do not qualify, I will take a rope and hang myself." - Iran's national soccer coach Miroslav Blazevic gives his own take on 'winning's not the main thing, it's the only thing' before his side's World Cup play-off.

"If I want to read crap, I read the 'Woman's Day'." - Pat Rafter still struggles with the concept of product endorsement.

DECEMBER
"British players have to get legless. It is part of the British way of life." - Leeds United manager David O'Leary, bemoaning the national soccer culture that produced the likes of Lee Bowyer and Jonathan Woodgate - not to mention Paul Gascoigne or Tony Adams or ...

"Even if Pat [Rafter] is 80 per cent fit, he's still better than Wayne Arthurs." - French Davis Cup captain Guy Forget lays it on the line.
 
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