In late winter of 2002 Fanatical Fans For Venus joined forces with Clijsters Crones, Lindsey’s Loons, Jennifer’s Jackals, Martina’s Maniacs and Jane Doe Tennis Player in a combined class action lawsuit against Serena Williams, the #1 player on the Women’s Tennis Association Tour. The suit, which almost didn’t make it to trial—every jurisdiction throughout the country had declined to hear it until a small civil court in Shriversville, Florida decided that it would—alleges, among many damning charges: extreme mental cruelty, depraved and indifferent behavior and larceny. The trial, which began last week, today produced its long awaited “show time” moment, as the accused herself was called to the stand. There was an audible hush in the standing room only courtroom, packed with noted tennis world luminaries and their apologists and sycophants, when Williams The Younger, appeared. Clad in a second-skin, plunging neckline royal blue halter minidress mated with matching four inch slingback stilleto heels as pointy as the ice prick used by Sharon Stones’ character on her victim in “Basic Instinct”, she walked to the bailiff, was sworn in, and took her place on the stand.
*Attorney for plaintiffs, Venus’ Shit Doesn’t Stink, will hereto for be referred to by the acronym VSDS
*Attorney for the defense, Serena Is The Fucking Bomb will hereto for be referred to by the acronym SITFB.
Testimony and elaboration follows.
Plaintiffs’ attorney takes the immediate offensive and begins peppering Serena with a myriad of character questions.
VSDS: Is your name Serena Jameka Williams?
VSDS: Are you sure?
Serena: Of course. I’m absolutely positive.
VSDS: I have several interviews, both electronic and print, documenting where you, in your own words, said “I thought I was Venus”. Yes or no, did you not say this?
Serena: Well, I was speaking about the past and just trying to illustrate how much I adored Venus…still do!
VSDS: Yes or no?
VSDS: Judge, I’d like these entered into evidence.
A clerk wheels in crates of magazine and newpaper articles and video tapes stacked well above his head. [/COLOR]
VSDS: Tell us Serena, why did you choose to wear that shade of blue today?
Serena: Well, I like the color on me.
VSDS: So in other words, what Serena likes Serena gets? or takes, for that matter?
VSDS: Let’s not play coy here. Royal blue is a color that in biblical times was associated with the regal class; worn by a monarch—like a Queen, for example. Everyone else in this courtroom knows who is QUEEN. Are you Queen, Serena?
Serena: I’m just Serena Williams.
(The lawyer’s line of questioning is beginning to raise her ire, so Serena motions to herself, right palm pushing downward, to calm down.)
VSDS: If that’s the truth, why is it that you wore a tiara to the 2002 Wimbeldon Champions’ Ball?
Serena: I like to dress up; it’s a form of escapism for me.
VSDS: So you “escape” by dressing up in another “identity”?
Serena: Not at all.
VSDS: Then explain for the court why you wore ROYAL BLUE today and a tiara to the Champions’ Ball last year?
Serena: I’m spontaneous and when I get ideas in my head, I bring them to reality.
VSDS: At the ending of the 2001 season, you got an idea of another kind in your head. Will you explain for the court?
Serena: I wanted to become the #1 player on tour, because I knew my talent was not indicative of my ranking at that time.
VSDS: How did you pursue this undertaking?
Serena: By becoming mentally and physically fit and winning most of the tournaments that I entered.
VSDS: Did becoming mentally fit include using mental dexterity?
Serena: I don’t understand the question.
VSDS: Did you not use some form of psychology to will yourself to victory time and time again?
Serena: Sure. Half of the game is played up here (pointing to her head).
VSDS: Did you employ this psychological warfare against all of your opponents?
Serena: If I wanted to win I did.
VSDS: And Venus, your sister, was no exception in this regard. In fact, didn’t you play on her sympathies and the guilt she’d carried over the past two years for winning just about everything, while you, her baby sister, was mired in mediocrity and muscles?
(The courtroom erupts and the judge bangs her gavel to restore order.)
(The three middle rows of spectators applaud wildly, then stand on cue; together they each hold up piece of a large sign that reads: VENUS IS THE REAL QUEEN~ALL HAIL OR FEEL OUR WRATH even you, Serena.!
[Judge Shriver continues banging her gavel until there is complete silence.]
Judge Shriver: Overruled. Answer the question, Ms. Williams.
Serena: Absolutely NOT! That’s a lie. I love Venus like I love life itself…
(Her voice cracks and eyes become moist; turning from the lawyer, she glances in the direction of papa Williams.)
Judge Shriver: Baliff, please escort Mr. Williams out. There’ll be no coaching of any kind in my court.
(She then winks to Stefano Capriati who is seated on the opposite side of Melanie Molitor.)
VSDS: No further questions, your honor.
Judge Shriver: Defense, do you wish to question this witness?
SITFB: Not at this time, your honor.
Judge Shriver: Ms. Williams, you may step down. Court is adjourned. We will reconvene tomorrow morning at ten.
(Serena steps down, her head held straight as she walks in the direction of a phalanx of buff bodyguards who escort her out of the courtroom and the courthouse. She is visibly shaken.)