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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Leaked Document "Causes Alarm"

(Newswire) 08/06/2003

LONDON - The shady world of international sports management was rocked today by the public exposure of one little page.

The page seems to indicate the depths to which some modern athletes will go in their ever-more competitive field.

Speculation about the actual identities of the athletes talked about in the document has raced through the bars and betting lounges of London's sports scene. One emerging tennis star's recent streak of extreme good fortune seems to be at the centre of attention.

Asked about the implications of the document, A. Minion, senior spokesman for IMG scoffed, adding, "This is obviously a cruel hoax. I would not even dignify it with a reply. That is my answer."

A source inside IMG, one of the sports world's most powerful management firms says that the page is genuine but is not taken from an actual contract, rather from a brief "Summary of Intent", a preliminary stage that occurs prior to the drafting of the full contract.

The disclosed page appears to be the second page of a longer memorandum and is dated 10/10/2002.

The available text follows:

...exclusive ownership, in perpetuity, transferred to the Purchasee.


Payee has innate, other-guy-given talent but Purchasee will agree to provide needed competitive edge in two areas:

1) Physical Advantage
2) Removal of Competition/Rivals


i) Height Clause

Purchasee will agree to provide Payee with a minimum of six imperial inches of additional height over the next calendar year. Furthermore, this addition will, ridiculously, not result in gangliness but will rather improve coordination/agility.

ii) "Naughty Energy"

Purchasee will provide regular overdoses of his patented "Naughty Energy" when match-exertion is required. Detectable side-effects (uncontrolable bodily shaking, vocal emissions etc.) are unavoidable but these should be interpreted in the most marketable fashion.


Payee's representatives have identified four "Rivals of Concern" that the Purchasee must endeavour to render at a strategic disadvantage.

For purposes of discretion the "Rivals of Concern" shall henceforth be referred to as:

i) Original Barbie
ii) Bitter and Angry Barbie
iii) Dwarf Barbie
iv) Over-Sensitive Barbie

i) Original Barbie

Original Barbie is a long-standing signatory to the Purchasee's agreement. The Purchasee has more than fulfilled his obligations to Original Barbie and everyone who knows her believes she will be spending a lot of time with him in the future.

ii) Bitter and Angry Barbie

Bitter and Angry Barbie is not a signatory to the Purchasee's Agreement. Her father, however, is. Normally this would provide conflict-of-interest protection for B&A Barbie but the father was drunk when negotiating his agreement and failed to realize that protection elapsed the moment he lost possession of the property. Father currently resides in Hell aka Serbia.

B&A Barbie should be thrown off-balance by sudden vaccuum caused by disappearance of destructive/negative energy in her life. She should compensate by providing such energy herself, thus dealing the Payee a strategic advantage.

iii) Dwarf Barbie

Dwarf Barbie is a signatory to the Purchasee's agreement. However, while Dwarf Barbie's representative's did negotiate a "Growth" clause they foolishly failed to specify height. Horizontal expansion of Dwarf Barbie is currently underway.

iv) Over-Sensitive Barbie

Over-Sensitive Barbie is not a signatory to the Purchasee's agreement. However, she is reportedly "nice", meaning she cares about the opinions of others. If these cares can be exagerated to a ridiculous extent...

At this point the page ends. :secret:

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It started out kind of funny. Just funny enough that I read it again. It was funnier. I read it again and laughed out loud. It's subtle, maybe too subtle for this place, but really good work. Dare I say 'damn nice work'?

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Feigned journalism doesn't work unless you know how to write like a journalist, which you clearly don't.

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
I joined just to say that you are mean bitch. how do you think 16 yr girl feels you talk lkie this?

by Matthew Crone,

Clop, clop, clop, clop, clop.

The horse and rider pass me by. I stand by this trail at a posh suburban L.A. equestrian club waiting to talk to the newest sensation in the world of women's tennis.

Clop, AH!, clop, AH!, clop, AH!, clop, AH!

THAT must be Maria Sharapova.

The sixteen-year-old Russian has screamed her way onto the international scene with impressive wins over highly-touted players such as former #4 Jelena Dokic and French Open semi-finalist Nadia Petrova, though she still trembles at the memory of her Birmingham SF defeat to Shinobu "Barbie Killer" Asagoe.

Sharapova's mix of classic beauty and stunning athleticism has prompted one tennis reporter to label her a cross between Anna Kournikova and Venus Williams.

"I just want to be Maria Sharapova" she replies, consulting her notes.

It's a fairy-tale life, but one with a dark splotch on it...

Apparently, once, on an obscure internet message board that no one has ever heard of, an anonymous two-bit poster put up a short, catty post marvelling at Sharapova's recent run of great fortune.

The post was a lame too-much-time-on-her-hands kind of thing and not actually that funny.

I ask her about how the incident affected her.

"What are you talking about?"

I take five minutes to tell her what happened...

"It's true," she says, "It happened. I have to accept that but I can't let it get me down. It bugs me that it wasn't that funny."

Maria bites her lower lip, trying to hold in the strong emotions the knowledge of this brings up -- or maybe the lip-biting is just a habit.

"What about the noble MARIALOVER?" I ask, "Who charged forward to defend your honor?"

She bursts out laughing.

So there hasn't been any negative effect at all?

"It's like, hard to say. I can always think of my money. Like, it hasn't affected me too much but like, I usually have eight earth-shattering orgasms a week and this week I've only had six. It is Wednesday though, so who knows?"

Sounds tough. Has the cruel classification of her as yet another Barbie-look-alike tennis star bummed her out?

"You think I look like Barbie?!" beams Sharapova, and all her troubles seem to melt away...
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