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OPEN ON THE WTA AIRLINES AIRBUS. VIKA IS BUSILY POLISHING A HORRIBLY TARNISHED AND STAINED SILVER NO. 1 TROPHY.
VIKA:
My God, I don’t know who was taking care of this thing. It looks like somebody just stuffed it in a golf bag and left it there to rot or something.
ENTER NINA WITH A LARGE CARDBOARD CUTOUT.
NINA:
Who are you?
VIKA:
Please, I’m Viktoria Azarenka, the No. 1 tennis player in the world.
NINA:
Then how come I never heard of you? Shouldn’t you have a line of candy or clothes or do commercials for Mickey D’s or something if you’re Number 1?
VIKA:
Please, bitch. I’m huge in Minsk.
NINA FINISHES SETTING UP HER GIANT CARDBOARD CUTOUT JUST AS DOMI CIBULKOVA ENTERS.
NINA:
Sorry, but as you can see from our life-size figure, you are fatter than Taylor Townsend. So I’ll have to charge you for two seats.
DOMI:
What? I’m like 5 feet tall! I need a booster seat to see out of the window! And Taylor’s not even that big!
NINA:
Rules are rules.
DOMI:
You just made that up to be a bitch!
NINA:
Please. This is airline policy for the safety of our passengers and crew. Now pay up.
ENTER QUEEN MASHA AND HER RETINUE.
VIKA:
Fuck your mother.
QUEEN MASHA:
We are sorry. We thought we heard something, like maybe the plane’s pressurization system released some air. Now we shall partake of some delicious Sugarpova candies, as opposed the vile snacks of the peasantry, such as Snickers.
VIKA:
Oh, it’s on now, bitch. No one insults Snickers and lives!
ANDY H. (member of MASHA’S RETINUE)
Oh, I hate violence! Look Vika! Fetch!
ANDY THROWS A HEALTHY COKE IN THE AIR, WHICH VIKA BOUNDS AFTER LIKE A DOG CHASING A BALL.
ENTER JJ:
Hey Nina, who’s your partner?
NINA:
I don’t know. She says she’s No. 1 or something, but I never heard of her.
JJ:
Please. I’m the real No. 1 and the Empress.
JO-LA (STILL IN MASHA'S RETINUE):
I’m the Number 8 player in Helsingborg!
QUEEN MASHA:
Our peasants will not speak unless spoken to.
DOMI:
Hey, how come she doesn’t have to pay double?
NINA:
She always buys a row of seats so that she doesn’t have to sit next to any peasants.
JJ:
The Empress will not pay double either.
NINA:
No, I’m charging you triple for you luggage.
JJ:
Well, that’ fair, actually.
SESIL POPS OUT OF QUEEN MASHA’S OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT:
SESIL:
So, I hear you went with the old pregnancy excuse. Trust me, it doesn’t work.
QUEEN MASHA:
As if. We need not stoop to any misconduct, relying on our beauty and talent alone.
SESIL:
How do you explain the mustache if your not on the 'roids?
QUEEN MASHA:
We shall have you flogged.
ENTER SAM.
Sam:
Dammit. How was I, the defending champ, eliminating by a qualifier?
VIKA:
My God! How many mouths do I have to fuck to prove I’m Number One? I’m huge in Hrodna!
NINA:
Sam, I’m afraid each of your biceps is bigger than Taylor Townsend. I’ll have to charge you for both of them.
SAM:
What? That’s ridiculous. I refuse to pay.
NINA:
To late, I already charged you. Giving me your credit card number. What an idiot.
VIKA IS CHOKING ON HER COKE.
ENTER THE MEMBERS OF MUUD:
SNEKI:
What’s that choking sound? It must be your granddaughter. (ALL LAUGH).
ORACENE:
Yes, I have to thank your granddaughter for gifting that final back to my daughter. That fool Serena couldn’t find the court with both hands, a seeing eye dog and a GPS.
MOMMY VERA:
It’s true. That match had more errors than if my daughter tried to direct a sex education movie.
THE GRANDMARENKA:
No 1. My granddaughter, the #1 error maker. My God, if we had choked as badly as she did the fascist would have been in Vladivostok in ’41.
PIOTR:
I swear, my daughter has hit more winners than those two did.
THE OTHERS STOP AND LOOK AT HIM.
PIOTR:
I kid, I kid! She couldn’t hit a winner off one of Lena D’s “drop shots.”
ALL LAUGH AND LAUGH.
ENTER SERENA:
Hi, every—
NINA:
Sorry, you’re out of time. Go sit down.
REE:
What?
NINA:
Please, we have a schedule to keep.
MASHA:
You can sit next to us.
REE:
Oh hooray! I heard you finally dumped that silly beard of yours.
SESIL:
But she still has a mustache. I told her the pregnancy thing doesn’t work.
MASHA:
Ignore that peasant. We shall have her flogged. Just sit with us in our Nike outfits.
ENTER VEE AND SABS:
We have a petition to start playing this tournament on grass again.
NINA:
Fine. I’ll have charge you for the petition. And a fee for having to charge you a fee. Then there’s the fee for processing the fee…
VEE:
I hate her.
SABS:
Even I hate her.
ENTER LINDS AND MARTINA N. WITH A BODY BAG:
LINDS:
Where do we stow this giant racket bag?
MARTINA N.
And don’t even think about a bag fee.
VIKA:
Just strap it into Lena’s old jumpseat. Nobody sits there.
LINDS:
Cool.
LINDS AND MARTINA N. MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE BACK OF THE PLANE. AS THEY GO, THEY PASS TAYLOR AND TOSS HER A WALLET FULL OF MONEY.
TAYLOR:
Hey…why is Patrick McEnroe’s USTA card in this wallet?
LINDS AND MARTINA EXCHANGE GLANCES.
LINDS:
It was a sample…it came with the wallet.
MARTINA N:
Yeah. Yeah. That’s it.
VIKA:
It’s 11:59, almost time to take off! I’m closing the door.
AN OUT-OF-BREATH EKAT MAKAROVA RUSHES IN.
EKAT:
Phew! I just made it. I wasn’t even sure I was going to take this flight…
SUDDENLY, A BELL SOUNDS AND CONFETTI FALLS FROM THE CEILING! POPULAR TV HOST NASTYA MYSKINA APPEARS FROM BEHIND A BULKHEAD ALONG WITH A TV CREW.
NASTYA:
Congratulations, Ekaterina! You are the one millionth passenger to fly WTA Airlines!
EKAT:
Really?
NASTYA:
Yes! You win a year’s supply of donuts so you can fucking train like a champion!
EKAT:
Okay…
NASTYA:
You also win this DVD of the full season of “Kitchen,” with Lena D. And that’s not all!
You get a copy of my book, “How to Throw a Proper Fucking Tantrum.” And a free lifetime pass on WTA Airlines!
EKAT:
I can’t believe I won!
VIKA:
Shit. Now it’s raining like a motherfucker. Our departure is delayed.
ANDY:
Hey everybody! Let’s do the chipmunk dance!
VIKA:
My God, I don’t know who was taking care of this thing. It looks like somebody just stuffed it in a golf bag and left it there to rot or something.
ENTER NINA WITH A LARGE CARDBOARD CUTOUT.
NINA:
Who are you?
VIKA:
Please, I’m Viktoria Azarenka, the No. 1 tennis player in the world.
NINA:
Then how come I never heard of you? Shouldn’t you have a line of candy or clothes or do commercials for Mickey D’s or something if you’re Number 1?
VIKA:
Please, bitch. I’m huge in Minsk.
NINA FINISHES SETTING UP HER GIANT CARDBOARD CUTOUT JUST AS DOMI CIBULKOVA ENTERS.
NINA:
Sorry, but as you can see from our life-size figure, you are fatter than Taylor Townsend. So I’ll have to charge you for two seats.
DOMI:
What? I’m like 5 feet tall! I need a booster seat to see out of the window! And Taylor’s not even that big!
NINA:
Rules are rules.
DOMI:
You just made that up to be a bitch!
NINA:
Please. This is airline policy for the safety of our passengers and crew. Now pay up.
ENTER QUEEN MASHA AND HER RETINUE.
VIKA:
Fuck your mother.
QUEEN MASHA:
We are sorry. We thought we heard something, like maybe the plane’s pressurization system released some air. Now we shall partake of some delicious Sugarpova candies, as opposed the vile snacks of the peasantry, such as Snickers.
VIKA:
Oh, it’s on now, bitch. No one insults Snickers and lives!
ANDY H. (member of MASHA’S RETINUE)
Oh, I hate violence! Look Vika! Fetch!
ANDY THROWS A HEALTHY COKE IN THE AIR, WHICH VIKA BOUNDS AFTER LIKE A DOG CHASING A BALL.
ENTER JJ:
Hey Nina, who’s your partner?
NINA:
I don’t know. She says she’s No. 1 or something, but I never heard of her.
JJ:
Please. I’m the real No. 1 and the Empress.
JO-LA (STILL IN MASHA'S RETINUE):
I’m the Number 8 player in Helsingborg!
QUEEN MASHA:
Our peasants will not speak unless spoken to.
DOMI:
Hey, how come she doesn’t have to pay double?
NINA:
She always buys a row of seats so that she doesn’t have to sit next to any peasants.
JJ:
The Empress will not pay double either.
NINA:
No, I’m charging you triple for you luggage.
JJ:
Well, that’ fair, actually.
SESIL POPS OUT OF QUEEN MASHA’S OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT:
SESIL:
So, I hear you went with the old pregnancy excuse. Trust me, it doesn’t work.
QUEEN MASHA:
As if. We need not stoop to any misconduct, relying on our beauty and talent alone.
SESIL:
How do you explain the mustache if your not on the 'roids?
QUEEN MASHA:
We shall have you flogged.
ENTER SAM.
Sam:
Dammit. How was I, the defending champ, eliminating by a qualifier?
VIKA:
My God! How many mouths do I have to fuck to prove I’m Number One? I’m huge in Hrodna!
NINA:
Sam, I’m afraid each of your biceps is bigger than Taylor Townsend. I’ll have to charge you for both of them.
SAM:
What? That’s ridiculous. I refuse to pay.
NINA:
To late, I already charged you. Giving me your credit card number. What an idiot.
VIKA IS CHOKING ON HER COKE.
ENTER THE MEMBERS OF MUUD:
SNEKI:
What’s that choking sound? It must be your granddaughter. (ALL LAUGH).
ORACENE:
Yes, I have to thank your granddaughter for gifting that final back to my daughter. That fool Serena couldn’t find the court with both hands, a seeing eye dog and a GPS.
MOMMY VERA:
It’s true. That match had more errors than if my daughter tried to direct a sex education movie.
THE GRANDMARENKA:
No 1. My granddaughter, the #1 error maker. My God, if we had choked as badly as she did the fascist would have been in Vladivostok in ’41.
PIOTR:
I swear, my daughter has hit more winners than those two did.
THE OTHERS STOP AND LOOK AT HIM.
PIOTR:
I kid, I kid! She couldn’t hit a winner off one of Lena D’s “drop shots.”
ALL LAUGH AND LAUGH.
ENTER SERENA:
Hi, every—
NINA:
Sorry, you’re out of time. Go sit down.
REE:
What?
NINA:
Please, we have a schedule to keep.
MASHA:
You can sit next to us.
REE:
Oh hooray! I heard you finally dumped that silly beard of yours.
SESIL:
But she still has a mustache. I told her the pregnancy thing doesn’t work.
MASHA:
Ignore that peasant. We shall have her flogged. Just sit with us in our Nike outfits.
ENTER VEE AND SABS:
We have a petition to start playing this tournament on grass again.
NINA:
Fine. I’ll have charge you for the petition. And a fee for having to charge you a fee. Then there’s the fee for processing the fee…
VEE:
I hate her.
SABS:
Even I hate her.
ENTER LINDS AND MARTINA N. WITH A BODY BAG:
LINDS:
Where do we stow this giant racket bag?
MARTINA N.
And don’t even think about a bag fee.
VIKA:
Just strap it into Lena’s old jumpseat. Nobody sits there.
LINDS:
Cool.
LINDS AND MARTINA N. MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE BACK OF THE PLANE. AS THEY GO, THEY PASS TAYLOR AND TOSS HER A WALLET FULL OF MONEY.
TAYLOR:
Hey…why is Patrick McEnroe’s USTA card in this wallet?
LINDS AND MARTINA EXCHANGE GLANCES.
LINDS:
It was a sample…it came with the wallet.
MARTINA N:
Yeah. Yeah. That’s it.
VIKA:
It’s 11:59, almost time to take off! I’m closing the door.
AN OUT-OF-BREATH EKAT MAKAROVA RUSHES IN.
EKAT:
Phew! I just made it. I wasn’t even sure I was going to take this flight…
SUDDENLY, A BELL SOUNDS AND CONFETTI FALLS FROM THE CEILING! POPULAR TV HOST NASTYA MYSKINA APPEARS FROM BEHIND A BULKHEAD ALONG WITH A TV CREW.
NASTYA:
Congratulations, Ekaterina! You are the one millionth passenger to fly WTA Airlines!
EKAT:
Really?
NASTYA:
Yes! You win a year’s supply of donuts so you can fucking train like a champion!
EKAT:
Okay…
NASTYA:
You also win this DVD of the full season of “Kitchen,” with Lena D. And that’s not all!
You get a copy of my book, “How to Throw a Proper Fucking Tantrum.” And a free lifetime pass on WTA Airlines!
EKAT:
I can’t believe I won!
VIKA:
Shit. Now it’s raining like a motherfucker. Our departure is delayed.
ANDY:
Hey everybody! Let’s do the chipmunk dance!
