help me beat my niece

4-6,3-6. My 12 year old niece just kicked my ass and I was really trying.

I'm athletic but she's A Real Jock and she's only going to get better; physically I can't compete. Only one solution: I have to fuck with her head.

I think it's always best to model your game after the pros, so I wrote down my thoughts on players' off-court psych-out abilities; could you let me know if I'm off-base?

VENUS "I just didn't play well" WILLIAMS: Passive/Aggressive

Zen indifference to/contempt for other players' abilities drove her opponents bonkers. Hingis's unstoppable trash-talk aggressiveness crashed against Venus's unmovable passive/aggressive indifference. Fatal flaw: can't have indifference to/contempt for your baby sister.

Has daddy as (probably unsolicited) trash-talk proxy.

No help with my niece - I'm the inferior athlete.

SERENA "I was disappointed in her" WILLIAMS: Aggressive

Tries to copy Venus's Zen style but fails miserably. Launched trash nuke with "lying and fabricating" comment, even if she hadn't planned to. Has brilliantly retreated into passive/aggressive mode as she lets U.S. media run with the ball.

I can't go nuclear trash on my niece - no help.

CLIJSTERS: Passive/Aggressive

Nice; kinda boring. Debatably over-generous F.O. final comments seen by some as taking nicest-girl-on-tour thing too far.

No niece help.

JUSTINE "Serena doesn't like it" HENIN-HARDENNE: Aggressive

Has obviously made conscious decision to escalate Serena trash war in ambitious attempt to revive Serena's years of headcase underachievement. Trash-tutored by Hingis? -- Coach Rodriguez felt threatened, charged in with old-style, men's game trash barrage of the kind Becker's been asking to see again.

Hmm, maybe.

DAVENPORT: Passive/Aggressive

All gruff anonymous quotes from "a top American" attributed to her by tennis fans? Psychs herself out more than her opponents so...

No help.

CAPRIATI: Aggressive

(Okay, I don't know about this, there's too much info, too much history, too complex; I could be completely off)

Tries to be nice but reporters can goad her into diss jackpots???

All bitchy anonymous quotes from "a top American" attributed to her by tennis fans???

I could try an uncomfortable glare-down with my niece but if I lost...no.

MAURESMO: Passive

...'cause I can't remember anything she's ever said.

HANTUCHOVA: Passive/Aggressive

Young master of the bland, sports' cliche-ridden, non-confrontational interview that doesn't get her into trouble. Has never dissed anyone.

Maybe uses super-prettiness/niceness to distract opponents. Not going to be able to pull that off versus my niece.

JELENA "What kind of question..." DOKIC: Aggressive.

HATES the media. Volcanic contempt for reporters she just can't/doesn't want to control makes her look bad. Ungracious. Should consider taking Miss Manners lessons from whoever trained Hantuchova.

Nobody's holding piss-me-off press conferences for me, so no niece help.

MYSKINA: ?

The invisible woman. Good for short, pleasant non-diss quotes.

I already say short, nice things about my niece.

MARIA "Aiiiieeeeeeeeee" SHARAPOVA: Passive/Aggressive

Self-confident and having the time of her life; being set up for a fall. Still a couple more years of getting cut slack for being so young.

Well my niece is in the Sharapova position in relation to me; this is going horribly, I've gotta come up with something really special...

MARTINA "What's compassion?" HINGIS: Aggressive Genius

Nobody mixed charm and trash-talk like Hingis, though long-term anti-sisters trash strategy backfired when she improperly removed her foot from her mouth one too many times, injuring it and forcing her to go ride horses, avoid working out and hunt rooster.

Manipulating Serena v. H-H trash tango from the shadows Hannibal Lecter-style. May yet escape prison.

Players go to her for specialized trash-talk tips the way others see that child-molestor doctor for their serve.

O-KAY, her I can use, but what about a couple of her disciples...

ASHLEY "She's not popular" HARKLEROAD: Aggressive colt.

Wants to be Hingis but 1st rd Wimby scoreline made her look like Hingis opponent instead. Nervous that Sharapova is going to have the career she thought she was entitled to. Young enough to still qualify for cutting her some slack.

Possible diamond-in-the-rough, but I prefer the original as a model for how to approach niece psych-out. I'll look at one more...

ANGELA "I won't let her embarrass me" HAYNES: Aggressive Wunderkind.

Holy shit.

In just a few words became a trash-talk legend. Genius-level multi-layered diss managed to insult Capriati, the entire Stanford field, but most especially and on an unprecedented scale, Lisa Raymond (and all her friends). The "Citizen Kane" of trash-talk debuts.

Number 1 rookie scalp now sought by veteran mid-range players.

Says her idol is Hingis which a) shows b) politely distances herself from the sisters c) subtly makes Hingis look old, irrelevant (almost certainly unintentional but everything she says will now be seen through rose-colored diss glasses).

Of course, this all could be attributable to a nice kid saying the wrong two sentences to one reporter and not knowing better...but sheer goddess-level diss-ability almost overrides young-so-cut-slack factor.

This girl should get appearance fee-type bonuses if she can come up with such headline-making trash artistry on a consistent basis.

High-risk uber-diss strategy can backfire if you don't have the strokes to back it up, but what do you think: should I go "Haynes" on my niece.