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Russian beauty, and former #1 player, Elena Bovina poses for the cameras in an important press conference.


Q: Yay! Elena, you're coming back to the tour! Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you sooooo much! I'm sorry for making you leave! Thank you Thank you!

LENA: Relax Spanky, I'm not playing again.

Q: What??? :mad: That's just great! All the top players want to retire and leave FS. I don't know why I bother anymore. I should just quit since everyone hates this game, and I put in so much effort. Write articles! Why are you quitting? Please tell me what's wrong with the game!!

LENA: Don't give me your guilt trip... because you should know by now that I have no conscience.

I'm not playing anymore because I don't want to. I was #1. I won Roland Garros, Champions Cup, and in my hometown city of Moscow. I know I could have kept up my fine results, but I just don't want to put the effort in it anymore. I want to do other things. I want to be an actress. I want to be a model. I want to slut around with cute Russian boys.

Q: But... but... FS misses you, and we need you Elena! You're one of a kind.

LENA: You could have fooled me... with how everyone tries to act like me.


LENA: Geez... will you shut up? I'm not doing this interview for my health, you know. I'm here for a reason.

Since I know everyone on this tour loves me, and wants to see me again... I accepted an offer to run all Tier II tournaments from now on... plus Mixed Doubles at Grand Slams. I don't care about these loser tourneys, but I want to keep my adoring fans happy, since I am such a sweetheart. Aren't I?

Q: You sure are, Elena! Great to have you back!!!

LENA: K. I'll see you chumps again at Wimbledon, and make sure to pick cute partners for Mixed Doubles. Thanks.

Q: Thank you, Elena!!!!!

LENA: K. Thanks. Bye.
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