Silly Season Time: Saints of the Court - TennisForum.com
 
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Silly Season Time: Saints of the Court

Which players should one pray to when encountering difficulties on court?
A few scenarii and (obvious) suggestions:

Choking: Saint Jana Novotna
Lack of concentration due to love (covers being in love and/or seeing one's ex with someone else): Saint Chris Evert
Lack of concentration due to being cruised by spectator(s): Saint Anna K.
Lack of energy due to being stricken down with some unpronounceable virus ending in "osis": Saint Martina Navratilova
Fury due to a young opponent's cocky smirking: Saint Pamela Shriver
Inability to play well because of mild drug abuse the previous evening: Saint Jennifer Capriati


over to you guys...
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 04:56 PM
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Coming up with a classy, intelligent, and gracious acceptance speech immediately after having made a complete horse's behind out of yourself during a losing effort to a much older, nearly retired player whom you despise:

Saint Martina Hingis

Going out there to a completely packed house with everyone (through no fault of your own) rooting against you and cheering your every mistake, and concentrating on the task at hand and coming through to win when most others would have quit:

Saint Serena Williams

Being able to honestly answer "I was faster!" when an upstart, novice interviewer asks you what you think of Steffi Graf (any younger player), and you compliment the player's game, but then he goes on to press you into quantifying whether Graf was the fastest player ever to play the game (praying for the ability to be honest and forthright when someone asks you about your strengths without one hint of bragging):

Saint Pauline Betz Addie
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 05:18 PM
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How about being a player who has the talent, can beat an opponent in a bunch of little matches leading up to the big one, but then falls apart when it really counts.

Saint Amelie or Saint Kim


Player who plays great then suddenly starts thinking about what a lovely day it is and what you might be doing this Saturday. Thinking about everything but the game.

Saint Evonne


Female players who don't care if others think she "plays like a man"


Saint Alice


Patron Saint of short players


Saint Rosie


I'm going to get mad at my much superior opponent and bump them when I walk by during the change over and act like a big baby.

Saint Irina
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 06:53 PM
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Sportsmanship and the ability to be always couteous to and gracious towards one's opponent even after a heartbreaking loss: St. Gabriela

Mopey on-court behaviour that makes even one's exciting matches painstakingly dull to watch: St. Lindsay

Maddening on-court rituals before every bloody serve: St. Mary (Pierce)

Tacky and vulgar taste in clothes: St. Serena

"I Swear To Thee, My Country!": St. Jelena

And lastly,
The patron saint of model, virtuous, pious behaviour both on and off court: St. Jennifer
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 06:57 PM
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Let's not forget the patron saint of when you want everyone around you to think of you as German- St. Martina Navratilova!
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 06:59 PM
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Or then there's the patron saint of when you feel you'd look great in a strapless dress, but you simply can't because you feel your shoulders are too big and masculine-
St. Steffi Graf
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 07:00 PM
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Or the patron saint for those moments when you're wondering if the whole world is wondering whether your traveling secretary is in reality your lesbian lover-
St. Billie Jean (NO- I DIDN'T GO THERE!- okay, I did)
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 07:44 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alfajeffster
Let's not forget the patron saint of when you want everyone around you to think of you as German- St. Martina Navratilova!
No, no, no, you invoke St Martina when you are paranoid that everyone hates you and you want everyone to think your opponent is German!

You invoke St Steffi when people mock your conk.

You can also invoke her when your father is distracting you to the point where you can't focus on winning but it depends on what your father is doing; if he's lying and cheating, it's St Steffi; if he's being scary and violent, it's St Mary Pierce if he's completely unhinged, it's St Jelena and if he's just a loud-mouthed prick, it's Saints Serena and Venus Williams. If you can't let go of your father and have sex with lots of men to try and find him again, we're back to St Chrissie and if you're not sure who your main male influence is, you have a choice between St Evonne Goolagong-Edwards or St Claudia Kohde-Kilsch.

On to mothers: if your mother refuses to let you grow up, it's Saint Tracy of the Pinafore and Sacred Pigtails you need, for ugly Mothers, try St Martina the younger and for mothers with embarrassing hairstyles, it's back to Saints Vee and Ree. For an austere dour mother, it's any one of the Saints Maleeva.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 24th, 2004, 09:59 PM
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Good thread...really loved this one:
Quote:
Going out there to a completely packed house with everyone (through no fault of your own) rooting against you and cheering your every mistake, and concentrating on the task at hand and coming through to win when most others would have quit:

Saint Serena Williams
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 25th, 2004, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy T
...and for mothers with embarrassing hairstyles, it's back to Saints Vee and Ree
Oh, please! THE patron saint for players embarassed because their mother shows up in public looking as though she was fresh from playing with toasters in the bathtub has got to be:

St. Martina Hingis
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 25th, 2004, 12:23 PM
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at these.

Especially the ones about mothers

Last edited by Rollo; Aug 25th, 2004 at 01:05 PM.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 25th, 2004, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alfajeffster
Oh, please! THE patron saint for players embarassed because their mother shows up in public looking as though she was fresh from playing with toasters in the bathtub has got to be:

St. Martina Hingis
Indeed, the worst coiffed Ma is a toss-up between Melanie Mophead Molitor and Oracene Orangehead Williams. Perhaps we can split it: I'd say Oracene is a fashion victim, whereas Melanie is more of a fashion fugitive.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 25th, 2004, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy T
Indeed, the worst coiffed Ma is a toss-up between Melanie Mophead Molitor and Oracene Orangehead Williams. Perhaps we can split it: I'd say Oracene is a fashion victim, whereas Melanie is more of a fashion fugitive.
And with apologies to Martin Luther, the patron saint for classiest mother who never tried to tell her daughter how to play, what to say, what to do, whom she could see, just was there (looking like the fabulously well-groomed teutonic goddess she is) during thick and thin:

St. Heidi Graf
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 25th, 2004, 06:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alfajeffster
Oh, please! THE patron saint for players embarassed because their mother shows up in public looking as though she was fresh from playing with toasters in the bathtub has got to be:

St. Martina Hingis
Yes, but Oracene Price's outrageous hairstyles sometimes make her look like a past-her-prime $5 hooker. I agree about Molitor and playing with toasters in the bathtub, though. Her hairstyles are right up there with Chrissie's cheap white trash look from the mid-80s.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old Aug 25th, 2004, 06:58 PM Thread Starter
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A couple more saints:

Saint Linda Siegel, Patron Saint of unintentional flashers

Saint Betty Ann, Patron Saint of the often married

Saint Sue Barker, Martyr to injuries sustained through animals

Saint Marianna Simionescu, patron saint of all chain smoking tennis players and players whose partners are much better than they are.

Saint Anna K., protector of all those who believe it is less important to play well than look good (and do)

Saint Andrea Temesvari, protector of all those who believe it is less important to play well than look good (but don't).

Saint Hana, patron of all players who can never quite decide what they are going to do with the ball or why.

Saint Gabriela for, perpetual semifinalists

Any of the Saints Maleeva, for perpetual quarterfinalists

Saint Venus (or Saint Barbara Jordan, depending on the particular sect), for players whose sibling is better than they are.

Saint Martina the Elder, for those who play for acceptance.
Saint Billie Jean, for those who play for status.
Saint Evonne, for those who play for pleasure.
Saint Margaret, for those who play for money.

Last edited by Andy T; Aug 25th, 2004 at 07:13 PM.
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