Locker Room Confrontations from Lleyton's Lounge -
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Locker Room Confrontations from Lleyton's Lounge

I've recovered part of the locker room confrontations from Lleyton's Lounge on ATPWorld. Unfortunatly I couldn't get it all There are parts missing..and I wasn't going to put it up at all..but I figured that some is better than nothing

So here we go...'s extremely long!

Page 1

Posted by Static:

This is the one Marie and I did back in April? I think Long time a go here it is: KEEP IN MIND THIS WAS CREATED BEFORE we found out Lucy Henman was pregnant

Lleyton: Tim, Tim, Tim.... hasn't anyone told you that you are a complete shitbag and stop cheaking out my arse.... I ain't got no blue shorts and your shit at doubles and u ain't gonna win Wimbly m8 C'MON HENMAN....... Too shit scared to fight back huh

Tim: BUT I LIKE YOUR ARSE, and not only will I win Wimby I will win RG too!

Lleyton breaks out in laughter

Lleyton: You are taking the piss right?! God how much have the BBC paid you to say all this shit?! £1 million £2 million? Go and have someone else's arse like your bitch Lucy, Mines taken... like you would of had it anyway.....

Tim: Lucy won't put out... and sides who is it taken by? Kim? I don't think she cares she seems to fansy your friend Hayden more.

LLeyton is now filled with rage...

Lleyton: OMG! FUCK YOU!!! You are soo jelous Timmy boy... just cos u ain't getting no satisfaction from your missus.... or that old bag Sue "tme and timmy are in lurvveee" Barker and accually Kim gave me head on last nite so u can fuck right off u wanker

Tim: gave you head picturing you were Hayden, or better yet Jason

Lleyton: Yeah Yeah.. Kimmie told me she loves me NOT Hayden...ME!!!! Just give it up Henboy... your nothing but a sad old lonley toffee nosed tosser who's just jelous cos I got what you havent got M8!

*Hayden walks in*

Hayden: Good day m8s!

Chickenboy: O ball of piss I think Hayden will have somethin to say about kimmy!

both look at Hayden...

Lleyton: Alright m888888!!! That tim bull shitter has being sayin' shit bout u and Kimmie.. what a wank!

*Hayden has an uncomfortable look*

Hayden: M8 his a wanker thats all, sides kimmy and I haven't done anything since.....I MEAN EVER!!!

Lleyton: Ah cool.. thats a beauty m8.. good u and Kimmie ain't got up to nothing... U know that Kimmie means the world to me.... in fact look at what I brought her today....
*Gets a box out of his pocket nd opens int to reveal a rather large diamond ring*
Lleyton: Pretty Bling Bling dontcha think Hayd?!

*Hayden bites his lip*

Hayden: O yeah its a beaut but you might want to wait till you guys get to know each other more, or atleast while I'm on my gap year

Tim: I dun think thats a good idea for you 2 getting married... before we got married Lucy use to want me so badly each night...and now...I get nothing...

Hayden and Lleyton both *roll eyes*

Lleyton: Henman, who said u were in this convo so shut up ok! Hayden m8, me and Kim have know eachother for u know, ages, remember before no chick would even look at me... she's the one.. I think we know eachother pretty well.... why till after that gap year m8? something u ain't telling me!

*Hayden looks rather nervous, Kim walks in*

Kim: Hey lleyton hunni *gives him a little kiss* Hiya Hayden

Tim starts feeling insignificant

Lleyton: Hi Kimmie *hides the ring* where do you want to go out today?

Kim: O I don't know you decide

Hayden: Ah yes actually you guys I have a gift for you! I have concert tickets ! they are in my room... Kimmie you want to come with me and get them?

Kim: Yeah Hay.....

*Lleyton butts in*

Lleyton: Hayden, whydon't we go and collect the concert tickets cos I need to get something frm my room so....

Hayden: But....

Lleyton: C'mon Hayden! Lets go otherwise me and Kim won't be going anywhere and You know..I wanna make this date special

*Hayden and Lleyton both walk out while Kimmie is left alone with Henman*

Kim: Hi Tim, hows it going? your neck feeling better?

Tim: yes actually... whats with you and Hayden?

Kim: what do you mean?

Tim: I mean when me and Lleyton played against eachother at the IW final, u2 were looking pretty cosy....

Kim: Ugh! Shut up! I was being F.R.I.E.N.D.L.Y duh! I mean I am the nicest girl on the tour and stuff

Tim: But what about the other day......

Kim: Look I was joking around! Me and Hayden got a bit tipsy... promise you won't say anything to Lleyton...please?! *flutters eyelids*

Tim: Awwww how can I resist that cute look... I won't tell if u.....

Kim: Ewwwww nooo!!! Anyway, I've heard your in the small department so I think I'll pass!

*Meanwhile Lleyton and Hayden are walking to Hayden's room*

Lleyton: So why don't you want me to ask her yet?

Hayden: O you know I just want to spend more time with you guys, you are such great friends to me...and I just couldn't bare to see Kim....and you getting heartbroken...yes

Lleyton: heartbroken? why?

Hayden: O you know...drinking....

Lleyton: WHAT???... there something you aren't telling me about Kimmie?

Hayden: Look Lleyton.... I dunno how to say this... but please don't be mad with Kim.....

Lleyton: Just fucking tell me Hayden

Hayden: Ok Ok, well the other day, when you were off down the pratice courts with Jason....Kimmie was looking kinda sad cos of her injury and stuff

Lleyton: yeah cut the crap and get onto the story buddy!

Hayden: Well I asked her if she wanted to get trashed and she said yea, so we went intomy room, drank pratically everything in the mini bar so we were pretty drunk


Hayden: errr no.... We told eachother we loved eachother and we kissed.... but cos we left the door open someone saw us, dunno who but I think it's better if it came from me so that u get the truth

Lleyton: You fucking bastard....*Punches his fist* C'mon!!

*Kimmy and Tim hear screams of C'mon and both run to see Lleyton beating the living crap out of Hayden*


*both stop*


Kim: Lleyton I'm sorry Hayden doesn't mean anything to me, it was just a mistake, you know that I love you very much *acts cute*!

Lleyton: Agrahh!!! Tim you can fuck off for starters..don't want you selling this to the BBC so that I get slated when it comes to Wimbledon! Kim......U know I love you too.... please don't dump me for Hayden... look I'll do anything.. please just don't leave me

Kim: Awwwwww Lleyton hunni.... I love you sooooo much too.... regret getting drunk with Hayden... I don't love him.... it was the alchohol ok!

Hayden: No Kim No!!! But I love you!!!!

Tim: Look guys, Kim and Lleyton want eachother.... Hayden.. you got any blue shorts? I bet you have a nice tight arse

*everyone looks at henman*



Lleyton: Ok thats it *pumps fist and screams c'mon*

*Kim runs in between the two*


*Hayden punches Lleyton in the face and Lleyton falls to the floor*

Kim: LLEYTONNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awww babe c'mon, off the floor! (Screaming) Look what you've done Hayden!!!!!!

Tim: (To Hayden) You got me baby.... let me look at that eye of yours.....

Hayden: Get of me Tim!! Kim! No! please! don't go off with Lleyton! He was such a geek at school, u don't want a geek you want a me!

Lleyton: Fuck off! Hands off her! Shes mine!

Kim: C'mon Lleyton we are leaving right this minute! I don't EVER want to talk to you again Hayden!

A few hours pass, Hayden is being comforted by Tim in his room, Kim and Lleyton get ready for their date..... Meanwhile Lleyton is waiting for Kim down at the lobby

Lleyton: (Looking at watch) C'mon Kimmie hurry!!!!

*Lleyton puts his head up and sees Kim looking gorgeous walking towards him*

Lleyton: Kimmie about today...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have over reacted.

Kim: Awww thats ok

Lleyton: C'mon lets go or else we gonna be late


Hayden: Kim! Kim! Look Im not stopping you going on this date but just don't say the words "Yes I will" ok..?!

Tim: Accually do!! C'mon Hayden lets go play chess!!!

Lleyton: Yeah you go take Hayden and while your at it, shoot the guy! Look Hayden...Kim chose me, like she i going to listen to you ok?!

Kim: C'mon Lleyton...Lets go...I don't even want to look at Hayden's face no more

Hayden: But Kim......!!!!

*kim looks at Hayden, but turns away and walks out with Lleyton. Hayden breaks downs and cries... Henman conforts him..*

Hayden: Its like Its like I thought she liked me??? The first time I saw her I wanted her...and then yesterday I thought that if I could get her trashed she would like me...but she chose that RUNT....UGH...what does he have that I don't?

Tim: Blue shorts But I can get you some if you want

Hayden: EWWWWWWwwwwww god

Tim: You know you want it baby

*meanwhile Kim and Lleyton are on their date*

On the date....

Kim: Lleyton where are you taking me?!

Lleyton: It's a suprise but you'll love it!!!

They walk about for 15 minutes untill Lleyton takes her onto the beach where he has laid a little picnic under a palm tree....

Kim: Awwwwww Lleyton this is so beautiful.... I don't deserve this... I've been such a bitch to you....

Lleyton: No worries Kim, U havent, it's that Hayden thats done wrong... Only the best for my fave Belgian diamond

Kim: (goes all cute on him, Hewitt smiles sweetly) Awww this is so beautiful.... But why have you gone to all this trouble?!

Lleyton: Kim ummm there's something I have to ask you...

Kim: Yes?

Lleyton: Kim will you marry me *pulls out the ring*

Kim: (in total shock) OMG! *with tears running down both Lleyton and Kim's faces* Of course I will!!!!!!

Lleyton: *Puts ring onto Kim's finger* Awwww that looks so perfect, you are perfect...

Kim: *blushes* I love you Lleyton

Suddenly two people come up behind the newly engaged couple

Mrs Hewitt: Hi guys! We've come to stay with you!!! We cant be leaving you two on your own!!!

Mr Hewitt: Come on guys, lets go back to the hotel! It's far too late to be out here at your age!!


Mr Hewitt: We haven't raised you for 21 years so you can talk back like that!

Mrs Hewitt: Thats it Lleyton your grounded, You can't go out for a week

Lleyton: MOM!!! I just asked Kimmy THE bloody questions DAMN IT CAN I HAVE SOME PRIVACY HERE!

Mrs Hewitt: O? our Lleyton is getting married awww thats great!
but your still grounded!

*both mr and mrs hewitt leave*

Lleyton: BLOODY HELL! I'm sorry Kimmy!

Kim: know...ummm thinkin about it...maybe we should wait untill you move out???

Lleyton: Yeah I think we should....!!!

Kim: Wow! our first house together!!!! Australia or Belgium tho?

Lleyton: Both! I mean wern't exactly poor... only the best for my Kimmie!!!

*A month later...Kim and Lleyton are househunting in Australia......*

Kim: I thought you said we are going to get houses in both Belgium and Australia???

Lleyton: Well you see??? ummm that stupid Henman and his inability to play actual tennis in doubles.....and bloody hell Haydne wasted soo much of my money...bastard couldn't buy his own damn plane ticket....GOD DAMN IT!

Kim: Erm what did you do with my money?


Kim: right...O this house looks gorgeous, you think we'll be able to afford it?

Lleyton: ......erm.....I dun think so


Lleyton: Look Kimmie, we can get the house!!! We just need someone stupid enough to lend us money which we will not need to pay back....

Kim: Who's gonna be that stupid and desperate?! Oh No!!!

Lleyton: Oh C'mon!!! He's got a few bob in the bank! It's not like he's gonna be living with us......

Kim: Yeah I guess so.... Look Lleyton if we get this house, we will be needing a nurcery...

Lleyton: Eh?! Why?!

Kim: Shit... ermm nothing!!

Lleyton: Kim.... tell me.... OMG!

Kim: Yep, and don't's yours!!!!!

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

Kim has just arrived in Rosmalen where she and Lleyton are trying to spend some Quality time alone...........

Lleyton:Aw Kimmy, I'm so happy we're both in Rossie, I really missed you over these last weeks

Kimmy: Aww that's so sweet Lley Lley I've missed you too.....

Lleyton and Kim go in to kiss one another when Jelena Dokic arrives........

Jelena: Hi Kimmy!

Kim:Oh hey Jelly

Lleyton looking pissed off mumbles

Lleyton:Oh great it's the Aussie, I mean Yugoslav, I mean Brit.....

Kim nudges him in the back

Jelena: Very funny Lleyton, see me laughing you're just soooo hillarious it must be the Aussie Charm

Lleyton Scowls

Kim:So what's up then Jelly,

Jelena: Oh I was just wondering whether you wanted to play doubles tommorow

Kim:I'd love to.......

Lleyton:What the fuck!! I haven't seen my girlfriend for weeks and you already wanna rob me of my time with her....Why don't you just do one rankings thief...

Jelena:How dare you.......I earned that ranking.......

Lleyton:Like fuck you did everyone knows that my Kimmy is superior to you Doughnut girl.....If you're teling me you deserve that Ranking then Justine Henin's boobs are the biggest in the WTA!

Jelena:You know you're a complete ass Lleyton, how can you go out with this piece of dirt Kimmy

Lleyton:That's not what you were saying when you tried to shove your tongue down my throat in the lobby last night!

Kim:What the hell.....


Posted by Dr. Marly:

Jelena: I was drunk! I must've been! Otherwise, what would I be doing trying to kiss that asshole?

Kim: Jelena, you're not helping yourself by calling my boyfriend an asshole.

Jelena: Well, I can only tell the truth, Kimmy, and the truth is you're dating a jerk.

*Kim is starting to get annoyed. She looks back and forth from Lleyton to Jelena.*

Kim: All right, I want to know EXACTLY what happened.

Lleyton: I was downstairs in the hotel lobby, waiting for Jason to come down so we could go to dinner, when this tosser showed up and started hitting on me!

Jelena: Kim, that's not true at all! Who are you going to belive--me, your friend and doubles partner since juniors, or this screaming, hyperactive bag of crap?

Kim: Gee, what a hard decision. See you later, Jelly.

*She and Lleyton begin to walk about, but don't get very far before Kim turns around.*

Kim: And just for the record, you'd be nowhere near my ranking if I wasn't hurt. Next year, it's mine, and your doughnut-eating ass is going down in flames!

*Jelena is speechless. She runs off to find her father.*

Lleyton: Sorry about that, baby.

Kim: *sigh* It's not your fault. *grins* You can't help it that you're irresistible to the opposite sex.

Lleyton: I wouldn't say that. *blushes* Just as long as I'm irresistible to you.

Kim: No problems there.

Lleyton: Right then. How about you and I head up to the room, and I give you a proper welcoming?

Kim: I thought you'd never ask.

*Lleyton and Kim get into the elevator and go into their room. Unbeknownst to our favorite couple, a drunk and angry Damir Dokic is heading right for them*

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

Lleyton and Kim are canoodling in the elevator as the elevator door opens.
They begin to walk down the hall when the hear a rumbling noise


Kim:What was that

Lleyton:I dunno.........shhhhhh


Lleyton:Strike me roan what the hell is that

Kim: Lleyton……I’m scared

Lleyton puts his arm around Kim

A big,dark gloomy shadow ermerges over Lleyton and Kim, Both look up


Lleyton: The wilderbeast......

A drunken Damir Dokic stumbles in front of them with an empty Vodka bottle in his hand. He slurrs his words

Damir: *hic* Which one of you is……..*hic* Lleyton Hewitt

Lleyton: Are you as idiotic as your pathetic daughter....*Cough* are you blind, dumb and STUPID that would be m….

Kim:Me! I’m Lleyton!

Lleyton and Damir:WHAT!

Kim whispers to Lleyton

Kim:Play along babe, yeah I’m Lleyton Hewitt, mate, yeah C’monnnnnn!!!

Lleyton Whispers to Kim

Lleyton:I so do NOT sound like that!

Kim s******s

Damir:I hear you took advantage of my *hic* daughter

Kim;Yeah about that Damir, I dunno if you realised but your daughter is a skanky, nasty, cheap little rankings thief and I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.......yeah......erm.....C’mon!

Kim clenches her fist as Lleyton slaps his forehead in dispair

Damir:You, you, how dare you talk about my Jelena like that I kill you with one look, I beat you so hard that you....... *thump*

A drunken Damir fals to the floor

Kim looks triumphant

Kim: A job well done I must say

Lleyton shakes his head and laughs

Lleyton:You’re really something Kimmy…..Now it’s REALLY time for my.erm..SUPRISE for you...

Kim: C’MON!!!!

Posted by Dr. Marly:

*Lleyton unlocks the door to his hotel room, and he and Kim go inside*

Kim: Let me call room service first. I feel bad about just leaving Damir lying passed out in the middle of the hallway. And he smells.

*While Kim dials the phone, there is a knock at the door. Lleyton opens it.*

Lleyton: Oh God, what do YOU want?

Tim: You know what I want, Lleyton.

Lleyton: Go away, you bleedin' minger! *He slams the door in Henman's face and locks it.* Ugh.

*Kim hangs up the phone.*

Kim: Was that who I think it was, sweetie?

Lleyton: Yes. The idiot just can't seem to take a hint! *He sits down on the bed next to Kim.*

Kim: I feel sorry for his wife. Do you think she knows?

Lleyton: *snorts* I don't feel sorry for her. She's the one that married the tosser in the first place!

Kim: That's true........Now what's this surprise you were telling me about?

Lleyton: Before we get to that, I've got to teach you how to imitate me properly. *Makes a fist* C'MON!

Kim: Okay, okay. Like this? *Makes a fist* Come on!

Lleyton: No no no. Make come on one word, not two. C'MON!

Kim: C'mon!

Lleyton: Better. We've still got some work to do, though.

Kim: Forget it. I'm the nice one, remember?

Lleyton: That's because no one else knows you the way I know you, Kimmy.

Kim: Of course not. You're the only one for me.

*They start to kiss. All of a sudden, there's a loud thump in the hallway outside their room, followed by a scream.*

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

Lleyton and Kim pull away from each other Lleyton moans

Lleyton: Bloody ell what's wrong now!

Kim gets up

Lleyton:Where are you going

Kim:To see what's up now


Kim:Lleyton you know I'm the nicest girl on the WTA Tour and it's my duty (Flashes him a smile)

Lleyton:Pfffff Fine you better not be long!

Kim opens the door and goes down the corridor. Jennifer Capriati is lying on the floor cluching her face.

Jennifer:MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!!

Kim:Jen what's wrong??

Jen:It's her.....that thing...The Predator

Serena stands over Jenn.

Serena:I didn't do NOTHING

Jen:She deliberately attacked me with her Oversized Novelty Boobs

Serena:That's a lie

Pause *Friends Theme Tune*

Kim pulls Jenn up.

Please can you just sort this crap out NOW!! Some people have to go and have some Se......*cough* Get some Sleep!

Serena & Jen:Fine

Kim:Good Now please GET LOST.

Meanwhile back in the hotel room Kim's mobile rings, Lleyton wonders whether to answer it. He looks for the phone in her bag and picks it up a familiar name flashes across the screen his face changes.....He hears Kim's footsteps,cancels the call and stuffs the phone back in her bag. Kim opens the door

(Voices in the Distance)


Serena:Pancake Chest

Jen:Fake horse hair weave

Serena:Trout Lips.........

Kim laughs

Kim:Those two are crazy

Lleyton looks preoccupied


Kim:Serena and Jenn!

Lleyton:Oh, yeah, right

Kim:Are you ok babe

Lleyton:Yeah, yeah champion

Kim:By the way did I hear my phone

Lleyton:Phone, no, no phone........

Kim:Oh must be my ears then, so where were we.....

Kim hugs Lleyton, Lleyton has an uneasy look on his face. Who was the Phone Call from??...........

Posted by Dr. Marly:

Lleyton: Uhm....

Kim: Lleyton, what's wrong? Seriously. You're acting strange.

Lleyton: Am I? Sorry babe, I don't mean to. It's just--

*someone knocks on the door.*

Kim: Oh, for heaven's sake. *looks at Lleyton.* Hold that thought.

*Kim gets up and opens the door.*

Justine: For sure, I don't know why you thought you could treat Jelena the way you did.

Kim: What?? You don't even LIKE Jelena. What are you talking about Justine?

Justine: Jelena, she told me everything. You think just because you have the famous father and the famous boyfriend that you can walk over people. I am here to tell you that you can't!

Kim: You're insane, you know that?

*In the bedroom, Lleyton picks up Kim's cell phone and pressed redial. The person on the other end picks up.*

Lleyton: What the bloody hell are you doing calling this number, mate? Don't EVER do it again!

*He hangs up and puts the phone back into Kim's bag. Meanwhile, Justine is continuing her tirade.*

Justine: --just because you're blond AND have blue eyes that you're better than me!

Kim: Justine--

Justine: And for sure, the fact that you actually have breasts adds to your condescending attitude!

*Kim's patience is being sorely tried.*

Kim: Justine, when have I been condescending to you?

Justine:......If I have to tell you when, then you don't know!

Kim: ......Exactly.

Justine: For sure, that is just another sign that you think you are superior to me!

Kim: No, it's a sign that I don't know what in the bloody hell you're talking about.

Justine: I am the best Belgian, not you. Before the year is out, I will reign supreme as the Sportswoman of the Year! Mwhahahahaha!

*Justine runs off down the hallway, cackling madly. Too madly, in fact, because she fails to watch where she's going and runs face-first into Serena's Oversized Novelty Boobs.*

Kim: *looking upwards* Give me strength. *She shuts the door and turns around to face Lleyton, who is sitting on the bed, looking a bit awkward.* Now, where were we?

Lleyton: Why don't you come over here and I'll show you?

*Kim walks toward the bed when suddenly, her mobile phone begins to ring. As she moves to answer it, she sees the stricken look on Lleyton's face.*

Who's on the phone? What will Lleyton's explaination to Kim be if it's the mysterious caller from earlier? And what will Kim do?.....

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

(This is gonna be a bit long-I got a bit carried away & itz sooooo crap !)

Kim looks puzzled by Lleyton's expression, regardless Kim picks up the phone

Kim: Hello?

Lleyton looks at Kim intently as Kim’s face changes

Kim: Erm….Hi….This is not really a good ti……Now…I don’t think...

Kim looks at Lleyton

Kim: I told you not to call me here…….I’ll call you back

Kim cuts off the phone call though she still holds the phone tightly in her hand. She slowly turns round to look at Lleyton.

Lleyton: So…who was that then

Kim: Erm…..No-one Important don’t worry about it

Lleyton: I’m not worrying about it I just asked you who it was, there’s no need to get defensive on me

Kim:Who’s getting defensive you’re the one who wants to make more of it than it is

Lleyton: So you’re telling me that you won’t tell your own boyfriend who called you

Kim:When you get like this I can’t even talk to you

Lleyton:Why are you lying to me??? I KNOW who called you because HE called while you were outside!

Kim:What, so my phone did ring, you lied to me… dare…..

Lleyton: You’re talking about liars! How long has been calling you......tell me Kimmy, the truth this time

Kim: Fine! You really wanna know.....Well it started last week he just called me up and he asked me and first I said No and I thought that would be the end of it, but the calls kept coming he just kept calling and calling and asking me “Please Kim, Please” I didn’t know what to do so I eventually said yes and gave into him.

Lleyton has a look of rage in his eyes

Lleyton: That’s it he’s a fucking dead man

Lleyton gets up and storms out of the hotel room. Kim is stunned

Kim:Where are you going, LLEYTON!!!

Kim screams after him. Lleyton runs down the corridor.

Lleyton bangs on the door of a hotel room

Lleyton: C’MON! Fucking come out you asshole I know you’re in there!

The hotel room slowly opens and Lleyton swings his fist and knocks someone down

Kim: Lleyton! What have you done?

Lleyton: Take that you fucking Perv…Roddick!!

Andy Roddick falls to the ground dramatically legs flailing all over the place like Bambi

Andy:What the hell…..

Lleyton:You think you try and perv onto my Kimmy!

Kim and Andy: WHAT!!

Lleyton looks puzzled

Kim and Andy :What are you talking about??

Lleyton:This sleazoid trying to crack onto you

Kim and Andy look at each other and burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter…….

Lleyton:I don’t see what’s so fucking funny

Andy and Kim trying to compose themselves

Andy: Lleyton, I think Kim is safe she’s not exactly my “Type” No Offence Kim

Kim: None taken

Kim: Andy wanted my help to organise a 6-month anniversary surprise party for Jan Michael. He wanted help to pick out a present and stuff like that.

Andy: Yeah, I’m not good with that kinda stuff that’s always been Jan-Micheal’s department! And after all I needed a Feminine touch

Lleyton:Another one!

Kim stares at him, though half trying not to laugh. Lleyton turns a shade of crimson.

Kim: I didn't ell you as Andy didn't want anyone to know. Then you made your own conclusions. And by the way, you’re turning red I think you realise what a complete asshole you’ve been.

Lleyton: What can I say……I’m sorry Pandy, I got carried away……..and I’m sorry too Kimmy for flying off the handle

Andy motions his approval of the apology with a limp wrist

Kim: Well, you’ll have to make it up to me

Lleyton: Oh I’m sure I can manage that……..

Kim: Oh really...ok....

They lean in to kiss when Andy Chimes in

Andy: Awwww you’re so sweet you kinda remind me of when Jan-Micheal and I started out

Lleyton and Kim turn to face him then face each other and burst into laugher

Andy: What!!

Posted by Dr. Marly:

Lleyton: Well, mate, I guess that's about it. *He bends down and pulls Andy to his feet.* Sorry about the misunderstanding.

Andy: Don't worry about it. Just keep it on the down-low, okay?

Lleyton: Of course, whatever you say.

*Lleyton and Kim leave Andy's room and start back off down the hallway towards theirs. Kim seems slightly annoyed.*

Lleyton: Kimmy....are you mad at me?

Kim: No, of course not. You just acted like a complete ass and embarrassed all three of us, but no, I'm not mad.

Lleyton: I'm sorry! I just flipped out when I thought you might be seeing someone behind my back.

Kim: You know I'd never do anything like that.

Lleyton: Yeah, I know, it's just that I love you so much that sometimes I get scared. I don't know what I'd do without you, Kimsy.

Kim: Well, you won't have to worry about that for another 60 years or so. You're the only guy for me.

*Oblivious to their surroundings, Lleyton and Kim start kissing in the hallway. A few seconds into their embrace, a female voice interrupts things, calling Lleyton's name.*

Lleyton: Who the hell--you!

*Martina Hingis is standing in the hallway, shooting Lleyton seductive looks.*

Martina: I've been looking all over for you, Lleyton.

Lleyton: For me? Why?

Martina: You're the only man in the ATP that I would ever consider dating. It's time for you to dump Kim and move on to bigger and better things--namely, me!

*Kim steps out of Lleyton's embrace and begins to advance on Martina.*

Kim: You don't even want to go there, Hingis.

*Under Kim's furious gaze, Martina's self-confidence seems to melt. She begins to backpeddle away as quickly as her injured ankle will let her. Several yards down the hallway, she stops.*

Martina: Lleyton--call me.

*Kim takes a threatening step towards Martina, who scurries away. Unfortunately, she trips over the prone bodies of Jennifer and Serena, who have beaten each other senseless.*

Lleyton: Forget it, babe. She's dreaming. What do you say we go back to the room and finally get around to doing what we've been meaning to do?

Kim: That sounds perfect.....but first I'll have to call room service and get them to notify Venus and Stefano. I'm afraid Serena and Jen will start to smell like Damir did.

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

Kim does as she says and calls room service to notify Stefano and Richard over their warring daughters.

Lleyton: Finished?

Kim: Yes

Lleyton: At last

Lleyton and Kim finally get to kiss. They kiss each other passionately, Lleyton's shirt quickly comes off. Kim sees his boxer shorts.

Kim: Wait, what boxer shorts are you wearing??

Lleyton: My Official Davis Cup Yellow Fanatics ones

Kim looks at him

Lleyton: What!!! They're the first thing I found this....

Kim: No matter

They begin kissing again and end up against the door. In their passion they forget that the door isn't locked. Kim accidentally leans on it and the door bursts open and Lleyton and Kim tumble backwards in a heap. Their dramatic appearance on the floor of the hotel lobby is met with gasps. Lleyton and Kim slowly look up only to find their respective parents and their sisters staring down at them.

Lei: Kimike!

Kim: Dad!

Cherilyn: Lleyton!


Lleyton feebley attempts tocover his nipples in the gaze of his horrified mother.

Elke and Jaslyn: Busted!

They both giggle uncontrollably when Cherilyn yelps

Cherilyn:Jasssssssllllllyyyynnnn Your innocent lttle eyes can't witness such a thing!

And with that Cherilyn attempts to shove her 1980's style sunglasses on Jaslyn's face. Jaslyn struggles to fight her off.

Jas: Mom!!!!! You can't make me wear those shockers!!!

Lei: Ach ai yai yai Kimike, I thought we could trust both of you to be responsibly

Kim: We do.....

Everyone looks at Kim

Lleyton: Yep Kimmy we're at the pinnacle of responsibility now

Kim: Well if you told us that you were all planning to come then we would've been quick........

Lei stares at Kim

Kim:Yeah now would be a good time to shut up

Lleyton: I think so

Cherilyn:Glynn do you have anything to add to your son's behaviour??

Glynn: GO CROWS!!!

Everyone looks at Glynn despite this he continues seemingly in a trance

Glynn:I remember it was 1973 and there was one minute to go on the clock I had to kick the winning goal for the Crows against Essendon. I just took the ball and...

Everyone: Kicked the little ripper, It was just Champion

Glynn:Have I told this story before??

Cherilyn: Shut up Glynn.

Glynn: Yes Love.

Lei: Kim get your things we're leaving, what

Kim:I'm 18 dad you cant make me.......

Lei: NOW!!

Kim:Yes Daddy.

Kim collects her things and follows her father, mother and Elke down the hotel corridor she takes one last glance at Lleyton as she leaves.

Cherilyn: Right young man, I think we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees.

Lleyton: Oh what a shocker! Mom.....

Cherilyn:Get in there Lleyton.

Glynn and Cherilyn enter the hotel room with Lleyton in tow. Jaslyn tries to sneak off

Cherilyn: Where are YOU going??

Jas: Well it's not me in trouble is it so I'll just......

Cherilyn: You get in here young lady it's about time you got the talk too.

Jas: Oh what this is soooooo unfair. Dad tell her!

Glynn: GO CROWS!!!!!

Posted by Dr. Marly:

*Lei stops around the corner of the hallway and opens the door to another hotel room.*

Lei: Kim, Elke, get in there!

Elke: Me, what did I--

Lei: Go!

*Kim and Elke walk inside the room and dump their stuff on the bed.*

Lei: Both of you stay in here until I can figure out what to do with you! *walks off*

Els: Don't worry, girls, I'll calm your father down.

Kim: Thanks mum.

Els: Kimike, just for future reference--be more discreet.

Kim: *blushing* Yes mum.

*Els shuts the door and leaves in search of Lei.*

Elke: Are you dumb or what?

*Meanwhile, down the hall, Lleyton is getting lambasted by his mother.*

Cherilyn:--and how could you be so irresponsible??

Lleyton: It wasn't irresponsibility, mum, it was an oversight.

Cherilyn: OVERSIGHT!!

Jaslyn: Yeah, it would be an irresponsibility if Kim got knocked up--

Cherilyn: KNOCKED UP!!

Glynn: I got knocked up myself once.

*The other three stare at him.*

Glynn: Mmmhmm. Yep, in 1973, right after the game against Essendon. I got tackled from behind by some bloody Port Adelaide tosser--

Cherilyn: Glynn, shut up.

Glynn: Yes dear.

*Jaslyn stands up.*

Cherilyn: And just where do you think you're going, young lady?

Jaslyn: I've practice, mum, remember? I gotta go. You can lecture me later if you have to.

Cherilyn: All right, go. Behave yourself!

Jaslyn: Always. *whispers to Lleyton* Good luck!

*Jaslyn leaves the room and bumps into Richard Williams in the hallway.*

Richard: Where's that brother of yours?

*In the room down the hall....*

Kim: Thanks for the support, sis.

Elke: Well, honestly. Use a little foresight.

Kim: Foresight! We'll see how much foresight YOU have when you're about to--erm, well, never mind.

Elke: Whatever. We'll get this straightened out soon enough. *Picks up the phone and dials a number.*

Kim: What are you doing?

Elke: Paging Jaslyn to tell her where we are. We've got some serious spin-control to do here, Kim.

*In the hallway....*

Jaslyn: Lleyton? What do you need him for?

Richard: Oh, I just thought I'd tell him his days at number one are numbered!

Jaslyn: Um, right. And you would know this how?

Richard: Because, my daughters are going to play on the ATP tour from now on! They'll be numbers one and two in the world, mark my words!

Jaslyn: Oh whatever. Get a life. *Checks her pager as it begins to beep.* There we go! Good work, Elke. Goodbye, you delusional old windbag.

*Jaslyn leaves Richard Williams and walks around the corner of the hall to the room number Elke had paged her with. She knocks on the door.*

Jaslyn: Open up, it's me, Jaz.

*Elke opens the door. Kim is sitting on the bed, a dazed and admiring look on her face.*

Elke: Good, that was quick. We've got a lot of work to do.

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

Jas: Hey *whispers * Hey is she okay??

Elke looks at Kim

Elke: Yeah…erm at least I think so

Jas:Kim, please don’t mope around after my brother….he’s REALLY worth a dime!

Kim laughs at Jas and contines to stare at the ceiling

Elke: Ok Jas what’s the plan? Kim listen up.

Kim sits up on the bed

Jas: Right you wanna see Lleyton NOW don’t you?


Jas: Well do you or do you NOT wanna see my brother

Kim:Yeah of course I do! So what do you propose then?

A wide smirk comes across Jas’s face


Kim and Elke look at one another perplexed

Jas: Come on…..Think about it……Mum is practically keeping him prisoner in that room, If there was a way to get rid of her so you could see Lleyt…..

Kim: Go on…….

Jas: What does My mother love more than anything in the world??

Kim and Elke look puzzled

Elke: Erm…You and Lleyton??

Jas; Yeah like hell!

Kim: Glynn??

Jas: Are you insane she thinks he belongs on the funny farm!…GUESS??

Just as Elke and Kim are about to reply a piercing scream comes from way down the hotel corridor………

Kim and Elke look at each other then look at Jas

Kim:You didn’t………..

Jas: Uh huh….

Elke: You mean you……

Jas: Yep…..

Jas rubs her hands together with glee.

Meanwhile, The door to Lleyton’s hotel room bursts wide open. Cherilyn runs out frantically and proceeds to sprint in a state of blind panic down the hotel corridor screaming

Cherilyn: MY SUNGLASSES!!!!!!! Where are my babies!!

Back in Kim and Elke’s Hotel room Jas pulls Cherilyn’s 1973 Sunglasses out of her pocket and waves them around triumpantly.

Jas: Now for part 2 of “Operation Lovebirds reunited”!

Posted by Dr. Marly:

*Kim, Elke, and Jaslyn are standing in the open doorway of the room, watching Cherilyn's retreating form as she runs down the hallway in search of her sunglasses.*

Jaslyn: I'm going to distract my father.

Elke: Kim, I'll take of mum and dad.

Jaslyn: Stay here until you count to 20, then go to Lleyton's room. The rest will be up to you two.

*Jaslyn checks to make sure her mother isn't coming back, then hurries around the corner to her brother's room. Lleyton and Glynn are standing in the door way, looking bewildered.*

Jaslyn: Dad! Mum's in an awful state. I think we should go check on her.

Glynn: Speaking of an awful state, that's what Queensland is! They think their footy team is just so bloody great--

Jaslyn: Dad, can you tell me on the way? Thanks. *She nods at Lleyton, then takes Glynn by the elbow and steers him down the hallway, in the opposite direction of Kim and Elke.*

*Elke waits until Jaslyn turns the corner, and sets off herself in search of Lei and Els, and determined to keep Cherilyn away if she has to.*

Kim: Elke!

*Elke looks around impatiently.*

Elke: What?

Kim: I owe you one.

Elke: You're telling me. *winks* Now get out of here!

*Elke follows the distant sounds of Cherilyn's hysterical screaming, while Kim heads for Lleyton's room. He is standing in the doorway, looking perplexed.*

Kim: Lleyton!

Lleyton: Kim! *hugs her* What are you doing here?

Kim: Jailbreak, courtesy of our sisters.

Lleyton: So that's what that was all about!

Kim: Yes. Now come on, we have to get out of here while we have the chance!

*They sprint down the hallway in search of the elevator, determined not to be separated again. Lleyton presses the call button, and to their dismay, the elevator doors open to reveal.....*

Posted by Lleyton's Chick:

*Lleyton and Kim's eyes widen*

Kim: Oh my God what is that? Is it some kind of beast or something??

Lleyton:Kim, it's Jim Courier

Kim:Oh right so that's what it, I mean that's who it is.

*Lleyton and Kim step into the elevator*

Jim:Hey Kids, say hello to your Uncle Jim!........

*Lleyton and Kim stare at Jim*

Jim:Well remember to respect your elders

*Lleyton and Kim sigh*

Both: Hello Uncle Jim

*They simultaneously roll their eyes*

Jim:Up or down?

Kim: Excuse me!

Lleyton:He means which way do we wanna go

Kim:Oh right, I knew that, down please

Jim:That's always the best way


*The elevator begins to move when all of a sudden comes a shuddering thump*

Lleyton:What the blue blazes was that!

Kim:The lift's not moving, Great could anything be worse at this moment in time!

Jim:How about a song boys and girls!!!!!

Kim:Yep I was wrong things CAN be worse

*Jim whips out his guitar from nowhere*

Lleyton:Please noooooooo Jim, no sing....

Jim:My Andy he's soooooooo manlyyyyyyyy, He's so graceful plus he's loving and he's dandyyyyyyy he's a 100% hunk and is my pandyyyy, he's my Andyyyyyy!!!

Lleyton:Oh my God, this is my punishment for all my years of being an ass on the court..THIS.....IS...MY....HELL

*Meanwhile in the hotel lobby....Cherilyn has resorted in crawling on the floor in the desperate search for her sunglasses.....*

Cherilyn: Here babies..where are you.....

*She makes kissing noises*

Cherilyn: Mummy's here..come to mummy mwah mwah mwah..

*Jas and Glynn come around the corner. Jas is horrified to see how desperate her Mum has become*

Jas: Mom, mom it's ok it'll be ok shhhhhhhhhhh

*Jas strokes her Mom's head*

Cherilyn:My Babies are gone

Jas: Dad a little help pleeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee??

Glynn:Bloody Port Adelaide tossers, If I were 20 yrs younger I'd kick their asses.....

*Jas slaps her head in exasperation*

Jas: What heve I done to deserve these Parents

Back in the elevator Jim is now singing the Barney Theme song....

Jim:I love uuuuuuuuuuuuu you love meeeeeeeee we're a happy familyyyyyyyyyy

Kim: Lleyton make him STOP NOW
Seeing as all this is your fault for having to be the badboy

Lleyton: What can I do, And anyway I thought you liked my bad-ass 'tude

Kim:Well yeah coz when you do that thing you do it really turns me o............HEY! That's besides the point

Lleyton s******s

Kim:I dunno why you're laughing Hewitt because I swear to god if you don't find a way to get us outta here right NOW I promise you I will NEVER EVER give you.....

*Kim whispers in his ear, Lleyton's face drops*

Kim: EVER AGAIN. And you know I keep my promises.

Lleyton begins banging on the elevator and shrieking Lleyton:HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP

*Kim Smirks with a sense of satisfaction.....*

*Back in the lobby Elke finds Lei and Els but they bump into Glynn. Cherilyn and Jas*

Elke:Mom, dad..Hey....erm...what's up

Lei:We are looking for your sister where is she

Elke:Wellll erm..she's....

Jas:Gone out for fresh air

Lei:Well I need to find her now

Jas:Wait! Now you're all her we have something to show you.Elke and I have entered a..erm.....talent show


Jas:Yeah and we want you to be the first to see our act

Lei:I don't have time for silly.......

Elke:No seriously we wanna show you

Els:Ok what is your act?


Jas:We sing

Elke:Ok now you're just being dumb

Jas:Go with it! Yeah we call ourselves the " Sexy Sheilas"

*Elke rolls her eyes*

Elke:Jas I can't sing, Jas, Ja...

*Jas Bursts into song*

Jas:First I was afraid I was petrified!!! Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side......

*Jas looks at Elke, she continues singing*

Jas:Oh i spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong.....

*Elke joins in*

Both:And I grew strong and I learned how to get allllllllllllloooooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggg and so you're back......

While the Jas and Elke are busy occupying the parents with their woeful singing Lleyton and Kim are STILL stuck with Jim


Posted by Dr. Marly:

Kim: If we don't get out of here NOW, I'm going to kill him.

Lleyton: Right. Give me a boost up, will you?

*Kim bends down and Lleyton sits on her shoulders. She stands straight up, and he goes to work forcing open the emergency hatch in the ceiling of the elevator.*

Jim: Now grandma's a person that everyone likes, she bought you a train and a nice shiny bike, but lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, and the last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.........

*Meanwhile, in the lobby, Jaslyn and Elke are still singing.*

Jaslyn/Elke: And so you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face--

Lei: You're just going to stand there and sing? Nothing else?

*Elke and Jaslyn look at each other, then simultaneously begin disco dancing*

Jaslyn/Elke: I should have changed the stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, If I'd've known for just one second you'd be back to bother me......

*In the elevator*

Lleyton: I've it......

Kim: Hurry every chance you get, okay? You're heavier than you look.

Jim: your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and one day you will too. Lalalalalala....

*The emergency phone rings, startling them all.*

Lleyton: Answer it!

*Kim grabs the phone*

Kim: HELP!

Operator: Is the elevator stuck?

Kim: No, I'm yelling help to try to trick you. YES, it's stuck! Get us out!

Operator: It'll take a few more minutes, ma'am. Try to be patient.

Kim: That's

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Ok moving on to page 2..

Posted by Dr. Marly:

*Martina Hingis and Jennifer Capriati stroll into the lobby to see Jaslyn, Elke, Cherilyn, Amelie, and Serena fighting.*

Jen: What the fuck??

Martina: Now's our chance to take out one of the Williams sisters!

*Jen and Martina jump into the fray. Jaslyn has somehow ended up at the bottom of the pile and is being squished.*

Jaslyn: Elke....helllllllp!

*Elke worms her way free, kicking Jen in the face in the process, and grabs onto Jaslyn's hand, trying to pull her loose.*

Jaslyn: Help! I'm being crushed by the Oversized Novelty Boobs!!

Elke: Jaz, hang on a minute, I think you're hooked on something!

Serena: MY TIARA!!!!!!!

*Serena's tiara has snagged in one of Jaslyn's earrings.*

Jaslyn: Get OFF, you cow! *She elbows Serena in the face, knocking her backwards. The tiara stays caught in Jaslyn's earring.*

Serena: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Elke: Come on Jaslyn!

*The two girls sprint outside. Not far away.......*

Kim: Lleyton, make it stop!

Lleyton: COME ONNNNNN, Agassi, put a bloody hat on!

*Andre runs a hand over his bald plate.*

Andre: What, don't you like it?

Lleyton: What do you bloody well think, idiot?

Andre: You're lucky if someone doesn't whack you in the locker room, you little punk!

Kim: You bastard! *She squeezes her eyes shut and strikes out blindly, smacking Double-Head across the face. Meanwhile...*

Jaslyn: Get this stupid tiara out of my earring, will you?

*Elke manages to free the tiara without ripping out Jaslyn's earring.*

Elke: What now? Serena's gonna put a hit out on us. We're dead!

Jaslyn: No, she--

*A primal scream erupts from the hotel lobby behind them.*

Serena: MY TIARRRRRRRRRRAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jaslyn: RUN!!

*They dash around the corner of the building just in time to see Kim slap Agassi. Jaslyn stops short.*

Jaslyn: Arrrgh, my eyes! I can't see!

Elke: I've got it all under control. *She reaches into her pocket and pulls out Cherilyn's 1973 sunglasses and puts them on.* Charge!!! *She runs forward and pulls Agassi's shirt up over his head.*

Kim: Elke, Jaslyn, thank God!

Lleyton: Where are our parents? Are they coming?

Elke: It's a long story. We've got to get out of here! Come on Jaslyn!

*Jaslyn opens her eyes.*

Jaslyn: God, Elke, why'd you have to pull his shirt up like that? Seeing his chest is enough to make a person go blind any day!

*Another scream echoes out into the streets.*

Jaslyn: But never mind, good work!

*The four siblings run off, conscious of Serena's screams still following them.*

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

I wrote changed the 2nd Part-Much better

*Lleyton, Kim, Elke and Jas are still running, Jas says out of breath*

Jas: I...think.......we...lost....her......

Elke: I...damn.......well......hope so!

Kim: What did you guys do to Serena anyway.

Jas: It's not our fucking fault!

Elke: Yeah we kinda had Serena's tiara and.....

Lleyton: Holy Shit! You took her tiara you'd better run're so dead!

*Lleyton laughs out loud*

Jas: Yeah thanks for that bro that's just what we needed

Lleyton: No worries choke!

*Jas gives Lleyton the dirtiest look*

Jas: C'mon Elke lets go before attack of the Triple X Boobs finds us

*Jas and Elke run off*

Kim: Be careful!

Lleyton: Dags

Kim: Lleyton be nice

Lleyton: Speaking of nice, why don't you be nice to me...

Kim: Oh my God is that all you think about??

Lleyton: I'm a guy.

Kim:You raise a good point there

Lleyton: Yeah I do

*The couple begin to kiss and cuddle and they hug then Kim sees something from the corner of her eye*

Lleyton: Are you ok??

Kim: Erm……

Suddenly someone shoves a microphone between them

Interviewer: Lleyton ESPN here we would like to interview NOW ok now how do you feel

Lleyton: What, woah..wait just a minute no-one told me a bout any Interview..

Interviewer: Yeah well we can do that, and you have NO say we are the MIGHTY ESPN! Feel our roar! Anyway back to the….

Lleyton: I don’t wanna bloody talk to you I wanna spend time……

Kim: Wait, If they want an interview why don’t you give em one?

Lleyton: Eh?

Kim whispers something to Lleyton, he smirks.

Lleyton: Ok you want an inteview go ahead.

Interviewer: How do you feel your chances are at the US OP……

Lleyton: ESPN sucks ass people NEVER watch it. NEXT Question please

Interviewer looks perplexed

Interviewer: Erm Ok, how do you rate your chances…

Lleyton: Patty Mac and Cliff Drysdale are the Worst Commentators on the face of this earth… the the UNIVERSE!

Kim: Bloody Awful

Lleyton: Right on babe…..NEXT!!

Interviewer: Ok......ERM...Lleyton you do realise this is live and we wanna discuss your tennis….

Lleyton: Oh and ESPN2 sucks ass as well funny how they’d rather worship Double head the balding Gorilla and the Pandy rather than the bloody number one in the world! that’s logic for ya.

Kim: Disgraceful….

Kim stifles a laugh

Lleyton:Anything else??

Interviewer: Well..erm…..No

Lleyton: Good, It was great talking to ya, Beauty, C’mon Kim

Kim and Lleyton walk off leaving the Interviewr not knowing what to make of it all.

Kim:You know babe that’s done nothing for your PR……

They both laugh and leave arm in arm

(Less depressing Baby! )

Posted by Dr. Marly:

Thanks for the change in the story, BBB.

*At the tennis facilities in Rosmalen.*

Jaslyn: I feel like we should dump this tiara, and yet something is holding me back.

Elke: I feel the same way about these minging sunglasses. It must be a premonition or something.

Jaslyn: Speaking of premonitions, I don't hear the Predator Part Deux behind us any more, but I know she's there. What should we do now?

Elke: Let's go take advantage of the sauna for a little while. We'll relax and review our options.

*The girls sneak into the players' area and head into the sauna.*

Samantha Stevenson: Oh no you don't!

Jaslyn: What?

Samantha: Alexandra! Let's go, we're leaving!

Elke: What are you talking about?

Samantha: The two of you, coming into the sauna together. I knew there was rampant lesbianism on tour, I just knew it! And now I have the proof! International media, here I come! Mwhahahahahaha!

*Samantha and Alexandra leave.*

Elke: Wonderful. This'll look great back in Belgium.

Jaslyn: I wonder who mum and dad'll be more mad at now: Lleyton and Kim, or you and me.

Serena: Fe, fi, fo, fum, I spell the blood of an Australiun!

Elke: HIDE!

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

*Lleyton and Kim continue to walk arm in arm through Rosamlen laughing and joking when they bump into Pete Sampras and his wife Bridgette*

Kim: Oh Hey Guys

Brigdette: Hey, how are you….

*Pete whispers*

Pete: Do not say a word Bridge……

Bridgette: What I was just being polite…

Pete: Well Don’t.

Lleyton: Look, what’s your problem Pete?

Pete: You, Lleyton you’re my problem you think you’re the best just because you’re number one in the world well you’re not. I’m the true number one around here…..I’m still young and fresh……

*Lleyton, Kim and even Bridgette all look at a ranting Pete, Kim whispers to Lleyton*

Kim: Young and fresh???! Try old and crusty!

*Lleyton s******s*

Pete: I’m hip, I’m cool. I’m down, I can kick it with you young crazy peeps.

*Pete makes several hand gestures in an attempt to look cool, Bridgette rolls her eyes while Lleyton and Kim struggle to keep a straight face*

Bridgette: I am so sorry for his adolescent behaviou…

Pete: No, Bridge, don’t apologise for anything, I wanna match, mixed doubles, you and Kim Vs Me and Bridge tonight.

*Lleyton and Kim look at each other, Bridgette looks at her husband in dismay*

Bridgette: What! Are you out of your tiny mind! I can’t play tennis, The only thing I’m good at is starring in B list movies with C-List supporting roles. I can’t…..

Kim: Ok I think we’re just gonna go now….

Pete: Oh what piking out are we, chickens..See Bridge they’re scared of my superior speed across the court

*Lleyton bursts into laughter*

Lleyton: Superior what! You’ve been taking too many of those tablets again old man, you're obviously delusional, maybe you need to up his dosage Bridge……

Kim: Lleyton!

*Kim whispers*

Kim: That was a good one babe

*Lleyton whispers back*

Lleyton: Yeah it was!

Pete: Well if you’re game meet us on the practise court tonight 7pm sharp be there or be……

*Pete scratches his receeding hairline trying to think of a word*

Pete: Square

Lleyton & Kim: Square??!

*An embarrassed and humiliated Bridgette shakes her head*

Pete: Yeah square all the Kids are saying it these days……

*Bridgette slaps Pete across his balding head as she drags him away. The voices become more distant*

Bridgette: What the hell is wrong with you, are you insane, God sometimes I wonder why I married you……

*She quickens her pace and stomps off*

Pete: Bridge, Hunnybuns wait for Mr.Gorilla

*Lleyton and Kim are standing there pondering what just happened*

Lleyton: Hunnybuns?!

Kim: Mr.Gorilla??!

*The couple burst into raucous laughter and once again retreat into the streets of Rosmalen*

Lleyton: I love you soooooo much my ickle koala bea…..

*Kim pokes Lleyton in the ribs*

Kim: Don’t even go there Hewitt!

Lleyton laughs and playfully kisses Kim on the cheek.

Posted by Dr. Marly:

Jaslyn: What do you mean, hide?? We're in a fucking sauna, not a forest, there's no place to hide!!!

Elke: Well then try to blend in or something!

*Serena throws open the door to the sauna.*

Serena: I want what's mine, kiddies!

*Jaslyn cowers behind Elke.*

Jaslyn: Elke, don't let her near me with those Oversized Novelty Boobs!

*In s-Hertogenbosch, Lleyton and Kim are strolling along hand in hand.*

Lleyton: We've got the entire day to ourselves! What do you want to do, sweetheart?

Kim: Well, we should probably practice a little bit.....but we can do that later. Actually, I'm having fun just walking and talking with you.

Lleyton: Me too, Kimsy.

*Lleyton leans over and kisses her cheek. Unbeknownst to them, a papparazzi photographer is hiding across the street......*

*In the sauna.....*

Elke: Jaz, shut up, she'll hear you!

*Serena is stumbling around, due to the combination of the steam and her unfamiliarity with the sauna.*

Serena: I know you're in here, dammit!

*Elke and Jaslyn sllllllloooowwwwwwllllyyyy begin to creep around Serena, heading for the door. Suddenly it opens, and someone else comes in.*

Amelie: Bonjour Serena!

Serena: I want my tiara!

*Elke and Jaslyn sprint out of the sauna and around the corner.*

Amelie: What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Samantha: There they are!

*Serena and Amelie whirl around. Samantha Stevenson and 10 photographers are crowded in the doorway.*

Samantha: THERE are the lesbians!!!

Jaslyn: Lucky break for you, eh?

Elke: Let's not stay here any longer and press our luck.

*The two girls hurry off.*

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

*Jas and Elke end up walking around in the streets of Rosmalen laughing and chatting when something catches Jaslyn's eye*

Jas:Hello! Our lucks in Mate!


Jas:Cute Dutch boys heading right in our direction, quick Elke teach me something smart to say in Flemish.

Elke:Like what??!

Jaslyn:Like anything, How about "I think you're really cute"

*The two boys get nearer*

Jas:Quick they're nearly here!

*Elke looks flustered*

Elke:Ok erm......

*Suddenley a smirk comes across Elke's face*

Elke:Ok how about "ik vind u een domme ezel" Can you say that!

Jas:What does that mean??

Elke:Errrr, I think you're realy sexy!

Jas:Yeah ,no probs I'm a Hewitt I can handle anything!

*Jas smiles confidently as Elke backs away, The boys approach Jaslyn gives them both her flirtiest smile she says to one of the boys*

Jas:"ik vind u een domme ezel"

*One of the boys pokes the other in the ribs and bursts into uncontrollable laughter, Jaslyn looks confused as the boys run off*

Jas:What happened? Why did they react like that??

Elke:I have NO idea, they're idiots come on Jas lets go back to the hotel.

*Jas still looks confused as the two girls motion off, Meanwhile Lleyton and Kim have also made it back to the hotel*

Lleyton:Well I'm gonna try and find Stoltz for a little bit, will you be ok on your lonesome? Can you survive without me for a few hours I know it'll be hard but you can at least try.......

Kim:Hmm I think I can manage

*They kiss and Lleyton walks off to find Stoltz, she meets up with Elke and Jaslyn outside*

Jas:Hey Kim

Kim:Yeah Jas

Jas:What does :"ik vind u een domme ezel"

*Kim laughs as Elke motions for her sister not to tell her what it means*

Kim:Who told you......

*Kim sees Elke*

Kim:When exactly did you say what you said?

Jas:Well there were these guys and Elke said it would really impress them.

Kim:Jas.....erm.......It means "I think you're a stupid donkey"


Kim:Sorry but that's a huge diss in Flemish, I think you've been a little misguided.....

*Jas looks calm*

Jas:Huh,Okay.....I think you're a stupid donkey.....hmmmm

*Elke starts to back away as Jas turns to face her*

Jas:I'm gonna kill you Elke!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elke:No Jas wait, It was a joke aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

*Elke begins to run as Jas chases her screaming*

Jas:You are SO dead Elke!

*As Jas chases Elke, Hayden comes up behind Kim*

Hayden:Erm.what the hell is all the screaming about

Kim:Sisters, you don't wanna know

*Kim laughs*

Hayden:You wanna get something to eat?


*The pair walk off chatting, meanwhile Lleyton is still looking for Stoltz when he is approched by the paparazzi photographer*

Man:Lleyton, look I have a propo..

Lleyton:Hey, I don't need anything from you mate, all you lot are scum bugger off...

Photographer:I don't think you undestand...

Lleyton:No YOU don't understand..Get lost idiot

Photographer:Ok, but I might have something of your intrest to do with yourself and Kim......

*Lleyton turns around*


Photographer:Ah I see that got your attention, we need to have a little chat.....

Posted by Dr. Marly:

Photographer: I have of yourself and Ms. Clijsters.

Lleyton: How exactly did you come about these "suggestive" photos, mate?

Photographer: I caught the two of you sharing some intimate moments while you were walking around Rosmalen.

Lleyton: You were following us, you bastard!

Photographer: Yes, I was. And I will publish these photos unless you give meeeeeeellion dollas!

*Jaslyn is still chasing Elke.*

Jaslyn: I could've started something with one of those guys, dammit!

Elke: No you couldn't, you don't speak Dutch!

Jaslyn: So what? The language of love is universal.

*Elke groans*

Jaslyn: At the very least I could've got some decent action out of it!

*Elke stops short*

Elke: Oh my God, look at that!!!

*Not far away, Kim and Hayden are sitting outside a local cafe, eating.*

Hayden: So Jaslyn still has Cherilyn's babies?

Kim: Yep.

Hayden: And Elke still has Serena's tiara?

Kim: As far as I know.

Hayden: Crikey, they better be careful. Cherilyn is damn unpredictable when it comes to those sunglasses, and Serena, well.....I think we all the damage she can inflict with those Oversized Novelty Boobs when she's pissed off.

Kim: Well, there's no telling where they are now. Hopefull they'll have the sense to lie--do you hear that?

Hayden: Hear what?

Kim: Shhh, listen!

*They listen.*

Hayden: It sounds likes--

Kim: Oh my God--


Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

Kim: This calls for emergency action

Hayden: I don’t like the sound of this Kim, what are you up to….

Kim: Shhhhh Hayden! A woman needs to do what is necessary in times of desperation and this is one of those times.

*Kim dumps her handbag on the table she pulls out a tape recorder and speakers*

Hayden: Woah woah, how the hell did you fit that kinda crap in your handbag?!

Kim: Now look, Hayden there's one golden rule about us girls, we can fit ANYTHING in our handbags, no matter how slutty or microscopic the handbag is or looks we always manage it

*Serena bursts out from the bushes*

Serena: Agggggggh my tiarrrrrrraaaa…….

*Kim places a tape in the recorder and pushes play, loud music begins to blare out

Tape:Woooohhhhhhhoooooo, wooooooohhhhhhoo……..

*Serena, Hayden and everyone in the Café falls silent*

Hayden: What in the hell….

*Shakira’s “Whenever Wherever” blasts out Kim beings warbling and belly dancing firmly in Shakira mode*

Kim: “Lucky you were born that far away so
We could both make fun of distance
Luck that I love a foreign land for
The lucky fact of your existance”

Hayden: Oh………..My…..God…….

Kim: “Baby I would climb the Andes solely
To count the freckles on your body
Never could imagine there were only
Ten Million ways to love somebody

Le do le le le le, Le do le le le le……………”

*Meanwhile Lleyton is arguing with the Photographer*

Lleyton: One meeeeeeellllllliiion dollars! You’ve been watching bloody too much Austin Powers mate, you need to get out a hellva lot more! I bet you’re bluffing you aint got nothing…..

Photographer: Groovy baby!

Lleyton looks at him

Photographer: Shut up Hewitt! So you don’t believe me…..really, well why don’t you ask my boss if I’m bluffing

Lleyton: Boss??

*Meanwhile back at the Café…..*

Kim: “Can't you see
I'm at your feet
Whenever, wherever
We're meant to be together
I'll be there and you'll be near…..”

*Kim is vigorously shaking her rear*

Hayden whispers what exactly are you trying to achieve??!

Kim: Duh?? Hypnosis I’m trying to use my Shakira dancing to hypnotise Serena!

*Hayden says in a sarcastic tone*

Hayden: Oh how stupid of me how could I possibly not realise that I’m just sooooooo dumb!

*Hayden rolls his eyes, people in the Café are staring at Kim’s vigorous Shakira dancing*

Hayden: Hahaha Pretty crazy what this woman’s doing, I am in no way associated with her..She just came and sat down with me I…

While dancing Kim gets overexcited as one of her flailing arms slaps Hayden in the face…

Hayden: Bloody hell you insane sheila! That’s my fuckin eye! Watch it next time you……Shakira Wannabe!

*There is a thump Serena has hit the ground boobs first and is fast asleep*

Hayden: Stone the Crows, it only went and bloody worked! At least she had a soft landing!

Kim: Did you ever doubt me

Hayden: Never….I would never doubt you….

Kim: Liar!

Hayden: Me a liar, I’m sooooo hurt C’mon Let’s get outta here before it wakes up!

Kim sings

Kim: "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble"…..

Meanwhile Lleyton is still with the photographer

Photographer: Yeah my boss, he’s extremely powerful you know, If you doubt me ask him?

Lleyton: Ask Who…

Lleyton turns round and gasps

Who could the “boss” be check back for the next instalment

Posted by Dr. Marly:

Lleyton: You!

*Lucy Henman steps out from behind the bushes.*

Lucy: Me!

*Lleyton is flabbergasted.*

Lleyton: What--what--

Lucy: I'm sorry, Lleyton, this is noting personal. I'm doing this to save my marriage.

Lleyton: How is trying to blackmail me going to save your marriage?

Lucy: I was hoping you'd refuse to pay and the pictures would be published. But this idiot *glares at photographer* only asked for one million dollars, not one BILLION.

Lleyton: Again, what does any of this have to do with your marriage?

Lucy: I thought that if Tim saw pictures of you and Tim together, he'd give up trying to seduce you and come back to me.

*At the Rosmalen tennis complex.....*

Jaslyn: Oh, that's disgusting.

Elke: It's just WRONG!

*Justine Henin comes strolling off one of the practice courts, her breasts 3 times larger than normal size.*

Justine: Bonjour, Elke. Where is Kim? In her hotel room, too scared to come and face me woman to woman?

Elke: I don't know where she is at the moment, but what the hell are you talking about?

Justine: Ach, Kim, she is afraid. She knows that I am the superior player and she is afraid to face me.

Elke: I think you had too much wine with dinner, Justine.

Justine: I am the best tennis player in Belgium!!

Elke: Yeah, and I'm a long-lost Williams sister.

Justine: What is wrong with your friend? For sure, she must be ill.

*Jaslyn is staring slack-jawed at Justine's chest.*

Elke: No no, she's fine. *laughs nervously* Just a bit, you know....I think she's blinded by the sun!

*Elke pulls Cherilyn's sunglasses out of her pocket and slips them onto Jaslyn's face.*

Jaslyn: Justine, what in the bloody hell did you do to your boobs? I mean, you actually have some now!

Justine: What do you mean? I have always looked like this!

Jaslyn: Yeah, and all those blonds that are always with Marat Safin are his sisters.

Justine: This is an outrage! I will not stand for it! You are both just jealous of me.

Elke: Right, because we're both just soooooooooo lacking in the breast department.

Justine: For sure, I don't need to listen to this! *Storms off in a huff.*

Elke: Good riddance. She's such an ezel!

Jaslyn: I don't know what that means, but I'm sure I agree. *Takes off sunglasses.* And hey, at least these bloody minging things are good for something, right?

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

*Hayden and Kim are back in the hotel and are talking down the corridor.*

Kim: So Hayden, Is there anyone that you like on the WTA Tour?

*Hayden looks flustered*

Hayden: Erm jeez where did that question come from Kim.

Kim: Well we hardly talk about it so I’m just asking, If you don’t wanna talk about it that’s fi..

Hayden: No It’s ok….well there is one girl…

Kim: I knew it

Hayden: Knew what?

Kim: I know who you like!

Hayden: Really?! I don’t think you really underst…

Kim: Of course I do! Which is why I’ve set up a meeting with her!

Hayden: Who?

Kim The girl you like! She’s just in this room.

Hayden: Kim no, wait you’ve really got the wrong idea….

*Kim pushes Hayden into this a hotel room, to Hayden’s dismay Anna Kournikova is sitting there with 100 hundred Bodyguards surrounding her. Hayden tries to run out of the room.*

Hayden: Kim, please listen this isn’t the…

Kim: I thought you could get to know each other better so enjoy!

*She whispers to Hayden*

Kim:You don’t have to thank me

*Kim exits truimphant. She says to herself*

Kim: Kim Clijsters: Match Maker extrodinaire-I should really go into business..

*She stands behind the door and listens intently to the conversation between the potential love match*

Anna: Hi, and you are?

Hayden: Well, yeah I’m Hayde..

Anna: Great, yeah that’s enough about you lets talk about me, me and me that’s a far more interesting subject Mark.

Hayden: It’s Hayden

Anna: Whatever, Sit.

*Hayden sits down obediently at Anna’s command*

Anna: You know people who think I’m just a spoilt self obsessed diva are so wrong.

*Hayden says with lack of enthusiasm*

Hayden: Really

Anna: Errrr yeah! Spoilt Divas are bitches like Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey, Now THOSE are Spoilt Diva bitches from hell, butt ugly at that.

Hayden: Yeah, They’re real bush pigs

*He rolls his eyes*

Anna: Ooh you learn fast Robert

Hayden: It’s Hayden

Anna: Whatever. There’s nobody in the world more beautiful than me

She swishes her long blond ponytail

Hayden: Of Course not Anna no-one can rival your stunning beauty

Anna: Oh stop…..

*There’s silence*

Anna: Erm I didn’t mean that literally. Hello!

*Back with Lucy Henman and Lleyton….*

Lleyton: Your husband is a complete tosser, I mean he’s a perv but I’m not surprised at all that he fancies me I’m just irresistable you know what I’m saying…….Oh no you wouldn’t know what it’s like would you….

Lucy: My Timmy is just confused that’s all. When we got married he was soooo passion….

Lleyton: Oh for Christ sake I don’t wanna know about you frigid sex life! You can’t blackmail me. Coz I’ll simply tell Tim that the baby isn’t his and then he’ll leave you and you’ll have no money…..

Lucy: What money?

Lleyton; Oh yeah he doesn’t win any tournaments does he Now listen up you phoney highlighted ugly witch if you don’t give me those prints….

Lucy: Take them, I cannot possibly risk losing my little Timmy, Baby Timothy Jnr needs a father…..

Lucy pats her bump

Lleyton:Oh yuck, I feel sorry for the little pommie having two loser parents like you…..gross

*Lleyton walks away with the photographs in his hand while Lucy sings Timothy Jnr a Lullaby*

Lucy: I love you so little Timothy ,your Daddy will be a champion, one day soon I promise you, he’ll be the Wimbledon champ tooooooo….

*Meanwhile back in the hotel room, Hayden sighs while Anna continues talking at a speed not yet known to man..*

Anna: Those who say that my entourage is too big are so totally wrong!

Hayden: Really

Anna: Like duh! I mean I only have My Mom, Harold, My agent, My Management Team, My PR, My Fitness Trainer, My Chiropracter, My Yoga Guru, My Pilates Instructor, My Hairstylist, My Beauty Therapist, My Manicurist, My Personal Laundry washer, My Personal shopper, My Dog Walker, My Dog’s Shampooist, My 100 Bodyguards…….

Hayden: Look, Anna…

Anna: Did I permit you to speak Martin..

Hayden: Well I don’t think..

Anna: That’s a no, so shut up..

Hayden stands up

Hayden: Has anyone ever told you that you’re the most bitchy, spoilt, self obsessed, disrespectful little brat….

Anna put her hand up to Hayden’s face

Anna: Talk to the hand Chris, As much as I would like to continue chatting with you because this conversation is such a major event in my life , I have an important appointment with my spiritual advisor Rudi.

Hayden: Whatever

Anna: Remind me never to speak to you again Richard

Hayden: My name is bloody Hayden!

Anna: Whatever Simon

Hayden growls at Anna’s rudeness as Anna leaves the hotel trailed by her 100 bodyguards 1 by 1 one. She whispers to Kim

Anna: A word of advice Kim, tell your friend not to be so self obsessed, it’s a really selfish character trait

*With one swish of her ponytail she saunters off down the corridor with her bodyguards in tow, Kim puts on a bright smile*

Kim: So how’d it go then?!

Hayden looks at Kim

Kim: Look Hayden, I’m sorry I just thought….

Hayden: Talk to the hand Shakira, Suprisingly I need to lie down. I have a headache.

*Hayden storms off down the corridor*

Kim: So you won’t be seeing her again then??

*Hayden slams his hotel room door*

Kim: Ok, I’m thinking that’s a NO then………

That's all for page 2..I don't know if anything is missing on this page..probably some
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 03:39 PM Thread Starter
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Page 3...

Posted by Peridotpixie:

Well, I'm nowhere close to the brilliance of our authors, but to tide you guys (and myself) over, here's a piece my sister and I have been developing as a bedtime story tentatively titled "The Adventures of Lleyton" which has been running since mid-July. Hope you like it.

Kim: “Oh, look, an invitation to Anna and Enrique’s wedding.”
Lleyton: “Oh. We don’t have to go, right?’
Kim: “Actually, I thought it might be fun.”
Lleyton: “Awww…Kim…do we HAVE to?”
Kim: (crossly) “I didn’t realize you had such a problem with weddings, Lleyton.”
Lleyton: “It’s not the wedding, it’s the groom. I just can’t stop looking at his mole. It’s like a train wreck. Can’t keep your eyes off it.”
Kim: “Well, I suppose it’s better than you looking at Anna’s chest.”
Lleyton: “Oh, right. I could do that. Ok, let’s go.”
(Kim glares)
A knock at the door
Kim: “Oh, Greg! What are you doing here?”
Greg: “I didn’t get an invitation to Kike’s wedding!”
(Kim quickly hides hers behind her back)
Kim: “Oh…er…neither did we. They must not have sent them out yet.”
Greg: “Hmm. Well, okay then. I was afraid I’d have to kick some ass.”
(Lleyton unsuccessfully tries to stifle a snort)
Greg: “Hey. You think you can take me, squirt? You wanna go outside, shortie?”
Lleyton: “Well, I would, but I’ve left my black socks and putrid green shirt in my other racket bag.”
Greg: “Just as well. I have no bright blue clothing with me. But just you wait, Hewitt. One wrong move, and…ka-blam!”
Lleyton: “Ka-blam?”
Greg: “It was an onomatopoeia.”
Lleyton: “Oh, clever, mate.”
Greg: “Yeah, well, anyway…just you wait.” (Cackles evilly and leaves)
Kim: “Well. He’s a little scary.”
Lleyton: “Well, his serve’s big but everything else is a little iffy.”
Kim: “I didn’t mean his game, I meant him.”
Lleyton: “Yeah, I did too.”
Kim: “Okay, let’s go, we’re going to be late.”
Lleyton: “Okay, ready.”
Kim: (aghast) “Lleyton! You can NOT ear that bloody baseball cap to the wedding!”
Lleyton: “It matches!”
Kim: “It does not! Your suit is navy blue!”
Lleyton: “White goes with everything, just like black socks!”
(Kim smacks hand into forehead)
Kim: “Even if it did match, you couldn’t wear it. It’s sweaty and disgusting.”
Lleyton: “It’s practically a part of me. Are you saying I’m sweaty and disgusting?”
Kim: “If you never bathed, yes.”
Lleyton: “…well…could I wear my top hat?”
Kim: “Fine. Let’s just go.”
Lleyton: “Wait, let me brush my hair.”
Kim: “What hair?”
Lleyton: “Oh, right.”

To be continued...(perhaps)

At the Wedding:

Martina: “Just look at Anna, strutting around like she’s the most important person here.”
Kim: “Uh…she IS the bride, Marti.”
Martina: “And doesn’t that just make her little miss special?”
Kim: “Um…”
Martina: (yelling) “You think you’re the Queen, Anna? Because I am the queen! Me! Me!”
Kim: “But Anna told me you guys were going to play doubles together!”
Martina: “She did? I thought she had dumped me!”
Kim: “Why did you think that?”
Martina: “Well, she’s getting married! I thought from now on she would play with Enrique!”
Kim: “He’s a singer! He can’t play tennis!”
Martina: “I figured Anna of all people wouldn’t be one to discriminate based on talent.”
Kim: “Hmm.”
Lleyton: “No, it’d never work. She has enough trouble seeing the ball as it is, without that giant crater on his face distracting her.”
Martina: “Oh, hi there, Lleyton.” (giggles) “I didn’t see you.”
(Kim rolls her eyes)
Lleyton: “Oh…er…hi, Martina.”
Martina: “So are you enjoying the wedding? Do you think Enrique looks good in his tux? Do you like the centerpieces? Planning on breaking up with Kim anytime soon?”
Lleyton: “Oh, yeah, it’s--WHAT?!”
Martina: “Yeah, I agree completely! So how do you like your rackets strung?”
Lleyton: “Well, I use natural gut…not my own, of course.”
(Martina begins laughing loudly and hysterically)
Martina: “Oh my God!” (She smacks Lleyton on the arm) “You are TOO funny!”
Kim: “Unbelievable.”
Martina: “Hey, guess what!”
Kim: “What?’
Martina: “Not you.”
Lleyton: “What?”
Martina: “We’ve both won Wimbledon!”
Lleyton: “Oh. Right. Um…cool?”
Martina: “It’s like we’re soul mates!”
Kim: “Actually, Martina, I think you’re better suited for Ivanesevic.”
Martina: “Remember when we played that charity doubles match at the US Open? That was so much fun, we should do that again sometime.”
Kim: “Yeah, Martina, Lleyton playing with you would truly be a gesture on his part for charity. And I’m sorry, but I just don’t think he’s that giving. Why don’t you just head on back over to your own boyfriend? He’s the one picking his nose.”
Martina: “But--”
Kim: “If you don’t get away from MY Lleyton right this second, YOU’RE going to be up Sergio’s nose, too.”
(Martina hurriedly turns and leaves)
Lleyton: “Whoa. Scary.”
Kim: “Well, I felt I needed to stand up for myself!”
Lleyton: “Not you, her. When they operated on her foot, I think they missed. By a lot. Or maybe they just started working on the wrong end.”
Kim: “No, I think she was always kind of like that.”
Lleyton: “Maybe when she was lifting her Wimbledon plate above her head, she dropped it.”
Kim: “Maybe you’re just so adorable that it makes her head go fuzzy.”
Lleyton: “Do I make your head go fuzzy?”
Kim: “On certain occasions.” (raises her eyebrows)
Lleyton: “Feel like having an occasion?”
Kim: “We’re at Anna’s occasion!”
Lleyton: “She’s doing it right here?!“ (turns and looks) “No, she’s just dancing, Kim.”
Kim: “And so are we. Let’s go.”
Enrique: “And now, everyone, I would like to sing a little song for my wife.”
(Music begins to play, lights dim, a large spotlight falls on Enrique)
Enrique: “Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?”
Lleyton: “Ok, no one told me this was part of the deal.”
Kim: “Lleyton, be a sport.”
Lleyton: “C’Monnnnnnnnnnn!”
(several people turn and stare)
Kim: “Lleyton! What the hell was that?”
Lleyton: “I was just doing what you told me to!”
Kim: “Just be quiet and enjoy the music.”
Lleyton: “I can be quiet. Not sure about the other part.”
Enrique: “I can be your hero, baby…”
Lleyton: “This is painful.”
Enrique: “I can kiss away the pain…”
Lleyton: “Whoa! Holy crap, no way, mate!”
Kim: “Lleyton! He’s singing to ANNA!”
Lleyton: “I don’t think so. I think he’s singing to a bag of Doritos.”

Waiter: “Hello!”
Lleyton: “Erm…hi.”
Waiter: “I shall be your waiter tonight. My name is Rrrrrromeo!”
Lleyton: “All right. I think I’m going to have--”
Waiter: “No, no, not yet. No pen.”
(Waiter leaves)
Lleyton: “Gee, thanks.”
Kim: “Well, that was odd.”
Justine: “You think everyone should just wait on you foot and mouth.”
Lleyton: “Um, that’s hand and foot, Justine. Foot and mouth is a cattle disease.”
Justine: “You are trying to make me feel stupid!”
Kim: “Juju, relax, he was just trying to help.”
Justine: “I don’t need any help! You need help! You are the one who is struggling!”
Kim: “Juju! Why are you so upset?”
Justine: “I am not upset. I do not know what you are talking about, for sure.”
Lleyton: “He IS our waiter, so…”
Justine: “He is not just your waiter! He is my waiter, too! Not everything is just yours!”
Lleyton: “I, um, I…huh?”
Justine: “Just because I am French does not mean I am not Belgian!”
Lleyton: “I didn’t say you weren’t, for sure!” (pauses) “What did I just say?”
Kim: (Trying desperately to change the subject) “So, Justine, this is a nice wedding, isn’t it?”
Justine: “It is okay. It is not best, though. My wedding is best.”
Kim: “Your wedding hasn’t happened yet…has it?”
Justine: “You think your wedding is best?”
Kim: “What wedding?”
Justine: “You cannot fool me! I will not tell you when I am having wedding, because then you will have yours same weekend, and all the papers will write about you!”
Kim: “No, Justine, I would never--”
Justine: “I will have best wedding, and then I will be Belgian sportswoman of the year!”
Kim: “Oh! I never thought--I’m so sorry…”
Lleyton: “What the hell are you apologizing for? Having your non existent wedding the same phantom weekend as hers? Being elected for an honor over her by people you don’t even know? Being a better tennis player? KNOWING HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH?”
Kim: “Uh…”
Lleyton: “I think Justine should apologize to you!”
Justine: “For what do you think I need to apologize for?!”
Lleyton: “Being insufferable!”
Kim: “Lleyton!”
Justine: “Kimmmmmmmmmmmmm!”
Kim: “Lleyton, you can’t say those kinds of things to her. Her feelings are very sensitive.”
Lleyton: “So are her fingers.”
Kim: “Her ego is very fragile.”
Lleyton: “Is that why she can’t close out a match? Because she’s insulted that the person on the other side of the net is trying to beat her?”
Justine: “For sure, you are mean.”
Kim: “Justine, I had no idea being Belgian sportswoman of the year meant so much to you.”
Justine: “I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t give a damn.”
Lleyton: “Can we switch tables?”
Justine: “There is no need. Pierre and I are leaving!”
Kim: “Um…Justine…Pierre’s not here.”
Justine: “What are you talking about? He is right here next to me. He travels everywhere with me.”
Lleyton: (under his breath) “Um. Right. Psycho…”
Kim: (to Lleyton) “Shhh.” (To Justine) “Yes, Justine, I know he does, but, well, no one ever sees him, somehow.”
Justine: “That is ridiculous. I can see him.”
Kim: “Well…that’s good.”
Justine: “And we are leaving, for sure.”
(Justine leaves the table)
Lleyton: “You need new friends.”
Kim: "At least I don't have to pay people to be my friends."
Lleyton: "I don't pay him for--oh, cut it out, you know very well what that's about."
Kim: "You never offered to pay me!"
Lleyton: "..."
Kim: "I can't believe I just said that."
Lleyton: "I'm a little surprised myself. You're not Martina."
Kim: "The point is, I travel around with you, when I can, and what do I get?"
Lleyton: "I buy you pretty things."
Kim: "Oh, right. Okay. But Juju’s nice, she really is.”
Lleyton: “Not only does she clearly hate your guts, but she also has an invisible boyfriend!”
Kim: “Fiancee.”
Lleyton: “Whatever.”
Kim: (meaningfully) “There IS a difference, Lleyton.”
Lleyton: (uncomfortably) “Where’s that waiter? I want a beer.”

(A stomach growls)
Lleyton: “Was that you or me?”
Kim: “I’m not sure. I’m so hungry!”
Lleyton: “Where IS that bloody waiter?”
Andy: “I don’t know, but I sure am famished!”
Lleyton: “What are you doing here, mate?”
Andy: “Justine took my seat. Well, actually, Justine took the seat next to mine and demanded that I give my seat to her invisible friend. I thought it was just a joke, so I got up and sat down again. Then she started screaming that I was squishing him. And then her voice got all high pitched and she was screaming in French, so I thought maybe I’d just move. I make the women crazy, you know. Can’t help it.”
Lleyton: “Right, mate. Now about that waiter. . .”
(As if on cue, the waiter makes his grand entrance)
Waiter: “It is I, Rrrrrromeo, at your service--”
Andy: “Well, it’s about freaking time! I’m a growing tennis prodigy! I need to eat!”
Waiter: “--or at least I will be once I have found my pen.”
Lleyton: “I thought you just went to go get it! You were gone half an hour! How long does it take to find a pen?!”
Waiter: “Oh, yes. Sorry. My wife called. Now I get pen.”
(He leaves, Andy sits seething, turning red and breathing heavily)
Kim: “Andy, calm down.”
Andy: “No, goddammit, I won’t!”
Lleyton: “Andy, look, mate--”
Andy: “No! That friggin’ waiter is out to get me! He thinks if he doesn’t feed me, his team will beat me in the Davis cup!”
Lleyton: “He plays tennis?”
Andy: “No, his country! Doesn’t he realize I will NEVER lose in the Davis cup? I’m undefeated! I’m Andy Roddick!”
Kim: “Oh my God, are you really? Oh! Sign my arm!”
Andy: (pulls out a marker) “Sure, babe.”
Lleyton: “Stay the hell away from her, Roddick.”
Andy: “It’s not my fault she wants a little Andy-loving!”
Kim: “Ewww! I was MOCKING you!”
Andy: “I bet you wish you were mocking me.”
Kim and Lleyton: “…huh?”
Andy: “Oh, was that not meant to be sexual?”
(Lleyton smacks forehead, Kim buries head in Lleyton’s shoulder and whimpers)
Andy: “I can’t help it, I’m so sexy! I live in a sexual world!”
Lleyton: “Well, it wasn’t sexist at all, mate. She wasn’t being sexist.”
Kim: “That’s ‘sexual’.”
Lleyton: “Oh, what’s the difference? Sexist, sexual, racist, racial…it’s all the same in the end.”
Kim: “Hold on a second. Andy, are you holding a pen?”
Andy: (looks at his hand) “Oh. Yeah.”
(Kim and Lleyton exchange looks of misery)
Waiter: “Ah! I am back!”
Lleyton: “Hark, let the angels sing. All right. Ready?”
Waiter: “Ready.”
Lleyton: “Where’s your pen, mate?”
Waiter: (defiantly) “Pen? I need no pen! I am much too superior for pen!”
Lleyton: “Well then how are you going to take our order?!”
Waiter: (taps head) “I remember. I remember everything.”
Andy: “If I lose, it’ll be your fault. Nothing personal.”
Lleyton: “Fine. Whatever. I’m going to have the chicken, and Kimmy here is going to have--”
Waiter: “Wait, wait. I go put in order.”
Andy: “But we weren’t done ordering!”
Waiter: “One at a time. I come back for little lady and stud muffin.”
Andy: “You can only remember one order at a time? I thought you had a great memory!”
Waiter: “I do! It is so big that things get lost.”
Andy: “Are you an absolute moron?!”
(Lleyton busies himself by intently fixing woven strings on tablecloth, Kim bites her lip and looks nervous)
Andy: “If you said that you 100% could do this, you were lying! Liar! How could you DO this? How could you do this at 8:15 on a Saturday night?! On the far side of the dining room?! What ARE you?!”
Waiter: “I go put in order.”
(He walks away)
Andy: “Oh, no, you don’t! You think you can get away from me? Huh?”
(He throws down his napkin in anger)
Andy: “This is SO not over!”
(He gets up and follows waiter, still yelling, but in his excited state fails to notice Jim Courier, following him around kissing the ground he is walking on, and trips on him, which causes him to sail onto the table holding the presents and knock it over)
Andy: “My kneeeee!”
(Lleyton and Kim stare after Andy, then turn back to each other. Kim is still biting her lip.)
Lleyton: “So… how bout those Crows?”
Kim: “He didn’t take my order.”
Lleyton: “You can share my chicken, if I ever get it.”
Kim: “How much longer is this thing?”
Lleyton: “I’m beginning to doubt that it will ever end.”
Kim: “What did we do to deserve this?”
Lleyton: “You? Nothing. Me…well…”
Kim: “It’s just part of how you play! And part of why I love you!”
Lleyton: “I bet the ATP is running this event.”

(Kim is gnawing on a dinner roll, Lleyton is watching Andy roll in pain on the floor)
Andy: “Trainer! I need the trainer!”
Lleyton: “Maybe we should tell him that he isn’t in a match?”
(Waiter tries to enter kitchen)
Andy: “No! Stop! I called a time-out!”
Enrique: “Andy, what’s wrong?”
Andy: “I need a medical time-out!”
Enrique: “Why, what happened?”
Andy: “I’m cramping! I mean, my knee hurts! Yeah, that’s it, my knee hurts. Also, I rolled an ankle, and broke my foot! And I think my stomach is broken, too.”
Enrique: “You can’t break your stomach.”
Andy: “But I just did!”
Enrique: “Wow! For having so many injuries, you seem pretty good.”
Andy: “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I’m in paiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!” (Looks up to make sure people are watching) “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”
Lleyton: “Well, I suppose that’s one way to win.”
Kim: “What, deafening your opponents with primitive yowls?”
Lleyton: “Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.”
Kim: “Works for Serena. The last time I played her I couldn‘t hear the ball bouncing because of her screeching. I also couldn‘t see the ball, because I was trying to avert my eyes from her, erm, outfit. And the sun bouncing off her tiara made pink blobs flash in front of my face.”
Lleyton: “Actually, I meant faking an injury to take a time-out.”
Andy: “Lleyton! Um, mate! Help me!”
(Lleyton starts to get up)
Kim: “Don’t you dare! You’ll catch something and have to miss more Davis Cup ties, causing them to lose horribly!”
Lleyton: “Don’t be silly. What could I possibly catch from him? Stupidity isn’t contagious.”
(Pat Mac and Jim run to Andy’s side, both crying hysterically)
Pat: “Andy, Andy, speak to me!”
Jim: “Andy, where does it hurt? Let Jimmy kiss it better!”
Lleyton: “On second thoughts…”
Andy: “I’m dyyyyyyyyyyying!”
(flops down dramatically)
Pat: “Oh, God! We need to change his fate! We need to make a sacrifice!”
Jim: “Who should we kill?”
Pat: “A Bryan brother. There are two of them, so we can spare one!”
Jim: “Won’t we miss whichever one we kill?”
Pat: “Nope. They’re the same person. Just doubled.”
(Jim grabs one by his tie)
Jim: “Which one is this?’
Pat: “No idea!”
Kim: “Lleyton, do something! ”
Lleyton: (to Kim) “Okay.” (to Pat) “That’s Mike.”
(Kim rests her forehead in her hand.)
Anna: “No! Stop! There will be no sacrifices made here that are not to me!”
(Andy scrambles to his feet and attempts to look cool and nonchalant)
Andy: “Anna, hey, what’s up?”
Anna: (barely glancing at him) “How you doing?”
(Andy loses all composure)
Andy: “Uh…duh…um…you’re hot.”
Jim: “Andy!”
Pat: “He’s saved! It’s a miracle!”
Jim: “It must have been God!”
Pat: “Or James Blake!”
Jim: “That’s true. James Blake did teach millions of mutated kangaroos how to play badminton.”
Pat: “Don’t forget his charity work, commitment to brilliance, and how he rose up to glory from a horrible childhood.”
Jim: “Also, he single handedly prevented global warming.”
Andy: “Hey, what about me?”
Pat: “Andy, do me a favor. Don’t speak. Just stand there and look pretty.”
Andy: “What did I do wrong?!”
Pat: “Andy, you lost to Pete Sampras. How could you? After I had pegged you to go all the way.”
Andy: “I couldn’t help it! There was something in my eye!”
Pat: “But--”
Andy: “And a dog ran out of nowhere and bit my calf!”
Pat: “How--”
Andy: “And someone put itching powder in my jockstrap!”
Pat: “Oh my--”
Andy: “And I was still trying to figure out which Bryan brother was which!”
Pat: “Understandable.”
Robby: “What about me, can I play?”
Jim: “Can you play what?”
Robby: “Tennis!”
Jim: “Not very well. But that’s ok. No one expects you to, with a face like that.”
Robby: “What’s wrong with my face?”
Jim: “No offense, Robby, but it’s uglier than your forehand.”
Lleyton: “Ouch. That’s pretty gosh darn ugly. Hey, haven’t I seen him somewhere before?”
Kim: “Have you?”
Lleyton: “He looks vaguely familiar.”
Robby: “Um…no, no, you’ve never seen me before. Ever.” (Pulls paper bag out of pocket and places it over his head.)
Jim: “Oh, much better.”
Andy: “Think it’ll help his game?”
Jim: “Can’t hurt.”

Kim: “Want a roll?”
Lleyton: “No! Haven’t I been saying all evening how awful and distracting it is?”
Kim: “Not a mole, a roll!”
Lleyton: “Oh. No thanks, love, I think I’ll wait for my meal.”
(Kim shrugs, picks up a roll, and holds it up as she searches for butter)
Jelena: “Hi, Kim!”
(Grabs roll out of Kim’s hand and walks away)
Kim: “Hey, Jelly, wait! That was mine! She took my roll!”
Lleyton: “Little thief. Want me to pound her face in?”
Kim: “No, don’t. She’s a nice girl, really, she’s just had a tough life. With her father and all.”
Lleyton: “You’re way too nice, Kimmy.”
(Kim shrugs modestly)
Enrique: “Now it is time for the speeches. First up is Anna’s dear friend, Martina.”
Martina: “Well, I’ve known Anna for a really long time. And the more time I spend with her, the more I start to understand her, listen to her jokes, hear her thoughts on life, and see her sensitivity, the more I realize…how truly lucky…my boyfriend really is.”
(Anna jumps out of her chair)
Martina: “We all know the Anna of the media, the slutty bitch who makes headlines for her skanky outfits instead of her mediocre strokes. I have to admit, the time I have spent with Anna has shown me that she has truly broken the walls down and let the public see her for who she really is.”
(Anna screeches)
Martina: “The thing that really impresses me about Anna is how well she copes with losing. She just ignores it and moves on to her next photo shoot. I know I could never do that. And, well, no one can say she’s a sore winner, that’s for sure!”
Anna: “You get down! You shut up!”
Martina: “Being Anna’s doubles partner has shown me what it is like to be in a sharing, giving relationship with her. And now I feel prepared to give Enrique this advice--Enrique: Be patient, speak slowly and use small words, buy acne medication wholesale at the drugstore, and, overall, get a good lawyer.”
Anna: “You tramp! You are jealous of my stunning looks and incredible talent!”
Martina: “Actually, I’m jealous of the incredibly firm grip on reality you obviously have.”
Anna: “No one likes you! You die!”
(Anna picks up a champagne glass and brings her arm back)
Martina: “To the bride and groom!”
(Anna hurls the glass through the air, Martina ducks, the glass shatters against a wall and champagne drips down the wall)
Martina: “Enrique, I give it two months. You have my number.”
(Martina steps down)
Kim: “What a lovely friend she is.”
Lleyton: “Why do you guys even bother to pretend?”
Kim: “We don’t! We DO get along!”
Lleyton: “Sure you do. And my best mate is Alex Corretja.”
Kim: “I don’t need friends. I have you.”
Lleyton: “Always. But I can’t be around all the time. I think it’s time we hired you your own companion.”
Kim: “Ooh, can I have Hayden’s brother?”
Lleyton: “A FEMALE companion.”
Kim: “Oh, ok. Amelie knows a few people who really know how to have a good time.”
Lleyton: “Never mind. I take it back. You have me.”
Enrique: “The next speech will be from--”
(The doors burst open)
Greg: “Ha! You thought you could get away with this?”
Lleyton: “Oh, no.”
Kim: “Oh God.”
Greg: “Here you all are, enjoying this lovely party, and where am I? Abandoned! Alone! Exiled!”
Lleyton: “And apparently ready to star in his own daytime television program.”
Greg: “How could you not invite me? Me! Greg Rusedski! Oh, let me guess, my invitation got lost in the mail, right? Well, I don’t buy it for a second. You purposely left me off your guest list.”
(He looks accusingly at Enrique)
Enrique: “Well, sorry, Greg, but what did you expect? My wife’s a bitch!”
(Anna gasps)
Enrique: (smiling sweetly) “Love you, honey.”
Greg: “Well, you will pay for the pain you have caused me. You will all be made to suffer!”
Lleyton: “More?!”
Kim: “I think I need a drink.”
Lleyton: “We’re in America, you’re not old enough to drink.”
Kim: “Then I need a good thwap on the head with my tennis racket. Anything to knock me out for a little while. Also, I’d like some food.”
Lleyton: “Maybe you can make an awful speech and Anna will throw some at you.”
(Greg marches onto the stage, grabs the microphone, hikes up his socks, and begins to speak dramatically)
Greg: “Don’t! Turn Out! The Lights!”
Lleyton: “Is he…singing?”
Greg: “I don’t want to be in the dark tonight!”
Kim: “He’s….he’s…oh, god. Just kill me now.”
Lleyton: “I wouldn’t call it singing exactly…it sounds more like one of those poems people read in coffeehouses.”
Kim: “I could use some Irish coffee.”
Greg: “So don’t turn off the light-eets!”
Kim: “Owww! He’s making my head hurt!”
Greg: “Eyi! Eyi! Ay!”
Lleyton: “I think he’s making himself hurt!”
Kim: “No, it’s part of the song.”
Lleyton: “Yes, but I thought that bit was more heartfelt.”
Kim: "I don't think I can feel my heart beating. I think he has sent me into coronary arrest."
Lleyton: “You’re not the only one.”
(Kim turns to see Xavier Malisse running around)
Xavier: “Help! Help! I’m having a heart attack! Help! I‘m dyyyyyyyying!”
David: “You big baby! Don’t listen to him! He is faking to make me lose!”
(Xavier collapses dramatically. Immediately people rush to his side, including Kim)
Andy: “Wait! Wait! What about me? I was dying first!”
Xavier: “What a world! Goodbye, life!”
Andy: “I feel a shortness of breath, as though an elephant is sitting on my chest. And I feel a shooting pain in my arm. I’m having a heart attack, too!”
Lleyton: “Andy. Shut. UP.”
Andy: “You’re just jealous because you’re not having a heart attack.”
Lleyton: “Actually, I’m jealous of your super backhand. Oh, wait…”
Andy: “You want me to die! You’re happy that I might be dead in a few hours!”
Lleyton: “If you don’t shut your bloody mouth right now, I’m going to speed up the process.”
(Xavier gets up off the floor)
Xavier: “Never mind. No heart attack. Let’s play tennis.”
(Crowd disperses)
Andy: “Wait! Wait! I still have a heart attack! Kim!”
Kim: “Andy?”
Andy: “I’m having a heart attack!”
Kim: “No, no, you’re yelling much too loudly to be having a heart attack. You probably just have indigestion.”
Andy: “But--”
Kim: “You should go sit in the bathroom for awhile.”
Andy: “I--”
Kim: “It’ll help, I think.”
Andy: “Well…will you go with me?’
(Lleyton “accidentally” kicks Andy in the ribs, Andy lets out a howl)
Andy: “He kicked me! He kicked me! I’m dying AND I have a cracked rib! He should be disqualified! You saw that, right?”
Kim: “Err…no. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Andy: “Stop protecting him! He’s ugly! I’m gorgeous! You can have me!”
Lleyton: “Okay, that’s it. C’monnnnnnnnn! We’re taking this outside, mate!”

Andy: “I--uh--I can’t! I’m having a heart attack!”
Lleyton: “I’ll show you a heart attack.”
Andy: “You already stole the US Open quarterfinal from me, what more do you want?”
Lleyton: “Your pretty boy head on a stick if you ever, EVER try to hit on my Kimmy again!”
Andy: “I wasn’t!”
Lleyton: “Yeah, right.”
Andy: “Okay, fine, I was. But she was asking for it! She wants me sooo bad!”
(Kim gasps)
Andy: “Yeah, that’s right. I can see it in her eyes! She’s picturing me all naked and sweaty…”
Kim: “Ewwwwwwwww! Make it STOP!”
Lleyton: “Oh, God. Now I’M picturing him all naked and sweaty. And let me tell you, it’s an image I could’ve lived without.”
Kim: “You…scumbag! The only person who has it bad for you is Jan-Michael!”
Andy: “Well, the only person who has it bad for you is Amelie Ma-Lesbo!”
(Looks around for someone to high-five, but seeing that everyone has backed away from them, is forced to high five himself)
Lleyton: “Okay, that’s it. No one talks to her that way.”
(Lleyton produces a tennis ball from his pocket and hurls it at Andy)
Andy: “Hey! Didn’t you get fined once for doing that?”
(Lleyton hurls a roll at Andy)
Andy: “Ow!”
(Lleyton hurls the floral centerpiece at Andy)
Kim: “Uh, Lleyton…”
(Lleyton hurls Kim’s handbag at Andy)
Andy: “Ooh, pretty.”
Kim: “Sweetie…”
(Lleyton hurls Pete Sampras at Andy)
Andy: “Aughhhhhh!”
Pete: “Hi, there! I’m back!”
Kim: “Lleyton! Enough! You’ve defended my honor.”
Lleyton: “Okay.”
(Lleyton sits back down, Kim gingerly picks her handbag up from the tangled mess of limbs, hair (and lack thereof), and long stemmed roses and joins him)
Enrique: “Okay, now that security has removed our little friend Greg, we are ready to move on.”
A voice from outside: “It’s not over, Iglesias! I’m not going away! I’ll haunt you forev-ow!”
Enrique: “Ahem. Yes, anyway, our next speech will be from Jennifer Capriati!”
Anna: “What? Why?!”
Enrique: “Sorry, love, but we needed three speakers from your side and there were very few people willing to do it! I mean, because they would, uh, feel so bad about themselves standing up there praising you. Because you are so amazing, and beautiful, and--”
Anna: “Shut up.”
(Jennifer prances onto the stage in a long skirt and black tank top)
Jennifer: “Hi, everyone! So glad you could make it! Actually, I don’t give a flying f***. I’m here for the free booze, and I bet you are, too.”
Lleyton: “Looks like she’s really been taking advantage of the open bar.”
Kim: (jealously) “She gets EVERYTHING.”
Jennifer: “So, anyway, I, like, know Anna. I mean, like, how could I, like, not, you know? I mean, I know lots of things. Except maybe I don’t know so much about that ninth law, or whatever, but I’m not getting paid to, like, know stuff, know what I mean?”
Lindsay: “You mean Title IX, established in 1972 for the purpose of introducing gender equality in sports, but that now is coming under fire for being misused and perhaps undermining its own goal?”
Lindsay: “Uh…sorry. Please don’t hate me.”
Jennifer: “Um, yah, whatev. So, like, what she said. But, really, I’m good at tennis. I’m, like, the best. And I know Anna because she’s, like, around sometimes, like in the locker room and stuff. So I thought maybe she’s like, a coach, or something, but then someone told me she, like, wasn’t. So I thought she was a supporter. You know, with signs, to, you know, be supportive. And then Venus was like, “Hey, yo, she plays tennis!” And I was like, “F***, no way! I’ve never seen her play! I’ve never even seen her hold a racket!” So it just goes to show, you learn something new every day, and stuff.”
(Uncomfortable pause)
Jennifer: “I could so use a cigarette right now. Okay, so, I’m here tonight with Matthew Perry, but he’s just my friend. Um, no simile or whatever intended.”
Lindsay: “Pun.”
Jennifer: “Huh?”
Lindsay: “You meant pun.”
Jennifer: “No, I don’t want any Chinese food.”
Lindsay: “Sorry.”
Jennifer: “Yeah, so, he’s my friend, so I usually wait, like, half an hour before I shove my tongue into his tonsils, you know? And then later we shove other stuff--you know, but in a friendly way.”
Kim: “Oh, for the love of God, let her be done now.”
Jennifer: “But I think other people who are more than friends do that kind of thing more. Like, I wait half an hour. Or, um, you know, like half of that. Like a half half hour. So that’s…I don’t know, I don’t do math. But I’m not like, I dunno, Kim.”
(Kim freezes)
Kim: “Oh, please, no. No. This isn’t happening.”
Jennifer: “Cause she and Lleyton aren’t, like, buddies. They, like, don’t wait that long to start shoving tongues and other stuff.”
(Kim turns bright red, Lleyton concentrates very hard on fixing the tablecloth)
Jennifer: “And then they--man, it is so hot in here. It makes me want to sing!”
(Jennifer begins a little dance on the stage while humming, “You can Leave Your Hat On.” She then proceeds to remove her shirt)
Jennifer: “Come on, ladies! Pah-tay! Strut your stuff and let your goodies hang out, cause you’re never gonna get a man otherwise! Oh, sorry Justine, didn’t mean to come up with an activity that, like, discretetated.”
Lindsay: “Discriminated.”
Jennifer: “Oh, like Lleyton!”
(Lleyton starts to get up)
Kim: “Don’t, she’s drunk.”
James: “How many times do we have to tell you people that it’s in the past! Geez, just let it go! I am so TIRED of being the guy from the Lleyton incident. I want to be the guy with the cool hair! AND YOU WON’T LET ME! YOU WON’T LET ME BREAK FREE! I HATE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
(James storms out)

Enrique: “Well, this just keeps getting more and more interesting, doesn’t it? Well, no worries, we’re almost done. Our final speech will be given by a man I truly respect and admire. No, no, I’m lying. I actually don’t even know him. Please give a round of applause for…Lleyton Hewitt!”
(Lleyton spits out his drink)
Kim: “Lleyton! You didn’t tell me you were giving the speech!”
Lleyton: “I wasn’t! I mean, I‘m not! I mean--who the HELL signed me up for this?!”
Kim: “I bet it was ESPN.”
Lleyton: “Damn McEnroes!”
Kim: “You’d better get up there. Everyone is staring, and the applause is dying down.”
Lleyton: “I can’t! What am I going to say?!”
Kim: “Improvise!”
Lleyton: “You’re enjoying this.”
Kim: “Just a little. Oh, and try to speak loudly and clearly. Project. From the diaphragm.”
Lleyton: “I hate you so much right now.”
Kim: “Love you.”
Lleyton: “Love you, too.” (sighs, gets up, and walks onto stage)
Lleyton: “Err…hello.”
Lleyton: “So…anyone here from Adelaide?”
Lleyton: “Yeah, all right. So. Anna. Enrique. Love. Marriage. Stag nights. There are just so many other…uh, words…I could…use.”
(Begins to scratch head)
Lleyton: “Like… commitment! Yes, that’s a good one! It takes a lot to commit. I should know. It takes energy, it takes passion, it takes a real love. I know I have one commitment I hold above all others…”
(Kim clasps her hands and sighs happily)
Lleyton: “And that’s to my footy team, the Crows.”
(Kim’s dreamy gaze turns to a look of fury)
Lleyton: “No matter how often they lose, I’ll still love them. Actually, it’s a very good analogy, because Enrique’s commitment to Anna will have to be very, very similar.”
(Lleyton begins to furiously scratch his nose, Kim begins to angrily twist her napkin)
Lleyton: “And Enrique, you have to be a man. Do manly things. Like that guy in the Disney movie sang. Except he was played by Donny Osmond, and that’s sort of ironic, because I don’t think of him as a real manly bloke. Uh…did I just publicly admit to watching a Disney movie?”
(Kim starts taking very deep breaths)
Lleyton: “Yeah, so, anyway--to the bride and groom. May they have…a real ripper marriage.”
(Lleyton scurries down to his chair)
Lleyton: “Wow, I’m so glad that’s--Kim? Are you okay?”
(Kim’s face is red, she is practically snarling, steam appears to be coming from her ears, she is breathing like an angry dragon, and clenching her fists)
Lleyton: (In a small voice) “Kimmy?”
Voice: “First off, mates, I’d like to apologize for that terrible speech my best mate just made. Now, to fix it, I’ll just give my own.”
Kim and Lleyton: (Looking up in shock) “HAYDEN?!!!”

Hayden: “Some of you are probably wondering right about now, ‘Well, who is this bloke?’ I’m Hayden. I am Lleyton’s paid traveling companion. Yup. That’s my job. When people ask me what I do for a living, I say, ‘I follow my best friend around the world and watch him play tennis.’ And then I cringe with embarrassment. I have a degree, you know. I’m a smart guy. I would’ve gotten a real job, a grown-up job, if I hadn’t chosen this. But I have, and…well, here I am. Destined to forever be the sidekick, hanging out in a field where I clearly have no talent. I can’t play tennis! If I tried to play with the tour, even Robby would beat me! So here I am, on the outside. Watching my best friend behave like a twelve year old on the court, with those damn obsessed codependent parents screaming into my ears. And for what? What do I have at the end of the day? An empty bed and a couple of cold ones. My life is SAD.”
(Lleyton is sitting with his mouth hanging open, but Kim, clearly moved by his speech, is close to tears)
Hayden: “And that’s why Anna and Enrique are such lucky people. Because no matter how worthless they are, they’ll always have each other. In fact, I know that there’s one person I can always count on, someone I can love dearly and depend on--”
Lleyton: (muttering) “Your right hand?”
Kim: “Shhh!”
Hayden: “And now I’d like to sing a little song for her.”
Lleyton: “Ok, that’s it. No more celebratory champagne for you, mate.”
Hayden: “Here we go. I call it, “An Ode to Kimmy Clijsters.”
(Kim’s face lights up, Lleyton gives Hayden an intense scowl, Hayden begins singing to the tune of “It’s Gonna Be Me” by ‘N Sync)
Hayden: “Been watching you, babe
And I love you so, but girl
You’ve had a real tough year…
And you’re just
Too good, to lose
Get out of Kournikova’s shoes
Your arm hurts you, fine!
Kim, you can have mine!
Cause every little match you play
I want it to go your way
It’s been a bad year, but damn
You’re gonna win a grand slam
I’d like you much more if I
Could touch your muscular thigh
Guess what, girls
She’s beating you all!
(Everyone begins applauding enthusiastically, Kim wipes tears from her eyes, Lleyton is literally shaking with anger)
Hayden: (Coming over) “Did you like it?”
Kim: “Oh, Hayden, it was beautiful! Thank you for caring!”
Lleyton: “What the BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?!!!!”
Hayden: “A song.”
Lleyton: “What do you think you’re DOING?!!! You’ll NEVER touch my Kimmy’s muscular thigh. Ever! EVER! Or any other part of her for that matter!”
Hayden: “Relax, mate, I just needed some filler.”
Lleyton: “I’ll give you some f***ing filler!”
(lunges at Hayden)
Kim: “Lleyton! Stop it!” (Tries to pry Lleyton off Hayden) “At least SOMEONE cares about me more than their stupid football team.”
Lleyton: “First of all, that’s absolutely ridiculous and you know it. Second of all, they are NOT stupid!”
Kim: “The commitment you hold above all others?!”
Lleyton: “Kim! You KNOW I don’t like to discuss our relationship in public! What did you want me to do, sing a romantic ballad?”
Hayden: “I did.”
Lleyton: “If you don’t shut up and stay out of this I’m going to tell Andy Roddick you’re single and looking.”
Hayden: “See you later, guys.”
Kim: “You mean…you don’t love football more than me?”
Lleyton: “Of course not!”
Kim: “I don’t believe you.”
(She turns away in her chair and angrily bites into a roll. Lleyton sighs heavily and wonders if his food will ever arrive.)

Lleyton: “Kim?”
Kim: “No.”
Lleyton: “Kim?”
Kim: “No.”
Lleyton: “Kimmy?”
Kim: “Lleyton?”
Lleyton: (hopefully) “Yes?”
Kim: “Shut up.”
(Lleyton sighs and plays with the tablecloth)
Kim: “So, Jan-Mike, how are you enjoying this wedding?”
Jan-Michael: “Eh, it’s okay. I’m the most attractive person here, as usual.”
Kim: “Oh…”
Jan-Michael: “Oh, don’t feel offended. It’s not that you’re not good looking, it’s just that I’m in a class by myself..”
Kim: “Right…”
Jan Michael: “People call me Hollywood. Isn’t that hilarious?” (chuckles)
Kim: “Sure…” (forces laugh)
Jan-Michael: “I dated Sarah Michelle Gellar once.”
Kim: “Oh, that’s nice. I didn’t.”
Jan-Michael: “I see myself as one of the few players on the tour with the game to beat your boyfriend. It’s tough, but someone has got to do it. And that someone is me. I feel that I’m at a level where I play the best out of anyone on the tour, really. I have the game right now.”
(Lleyton glances up at Jan-Mike expressionlessly and then returns to playing with the tablecloth)
Kim: “I’m sure you could beat him. Sometimes he needs to be beaten, I think.”
(Lleyton gives her a hurt puppy dog look, Kim ignores him)
Jan-Michael: “Want to see my socks?
(Throws leg up onto table)
Jan-Michael: “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not wearing all white socks anymore. What am I talking about? Of course you noticed!”
Kim: “Err…” (Glances at Lleyton, then quickly looks away)
Jan-Michael: “I should have been picked for the Davis Cup. I mean, Mardy Fish? What the hell! He’s not Hollywood! He’s a friggin’ fish! Ever seen a fish play tennis?”
Kim: “Um…no.”
Jan-Michael: “Of course not!”
Kim: “Though I’ve never seen Hollywood play tennis, either.”
Jan-Michael: “Oh, I’ll get you some nice seats to my next match.”
Kim: “No, I meant--”
Jan-Michael: “I’m so cool. I love myself.”
(Kim sighs)
Lleyton: (whispering) “That was uncalled for. I do NOT need to be beaten.”
Kim: “Something needs to remind you what your priorities are!”
Lleyton: “Something needs to remind you that you‘re my girlfriend, not Hayden‘s, and that you‘re supposed to be supportive!”
Kim: “How dare you? After saying that stuff about the Crows!”
Lleyton: “I can say whatever I want! I like the Crows! Go Crows!”
Kim: “Don’t talk to me.”
Lleyton: “Don’t talk to ME.”
Kim: “Fine!”
Lleyton: “Fine!” (Turns to his left) “So, how are you doing today, Monica?”
Kim: “So…”
(Jan-Michael is admiring himself in a water glass)
Kim: “I hate this wedding.”
Waiter: “Hello, miss, ready to order?”

Will Lleyton and Kim ever make up? Will Jan-Mike and Kim start an illicit affair? Will Lleyton ever get his chicken?
Stay tuned!

Jan-Michael: “Well, I’ve enjoyed conversing with you, Kelly, but I really must be off. No fair depriving all the other tables of the wonder that is me.”
Kim: “No, of course not.”
(He leaves)
Jelena: “And then I thought I’d be Hawaiian, but my dad said that they overcharged for those flower necklaces, so I canceled all my hula classes and sold my barbecue and gave away my flip-flop collection. But it was really a pain in the neck to peel the bumper sticker off my car.”
Lleyton: “You took your car WITH you?”
Jelena: “No, I sold that, too.”
Lleyton: “Then why did you need to--oh, never mind.”
Jelena: “Yeah, so then we moved to Uruguay.”
Lleyton: “Oh? How…interesting.”
Jelena: “Yeah, but they wouldn’t build a Sea World for my dad.”
Lleyton: “Sea World?”
Jelena: “Dad really likes Shamu. We left Florida when they wouldn’t give him his own, though.”
Lleyton: “His own Sea World?”
Jelena: “No, that would be silly. His own Shamu.”
Lleyton: “Oh. Right.”
(Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Alex Corretja storms in, holding a tennis ball shooting machine)
Alex: “Ha! I am here to take out my enemy! You will all cower before me! My victory will be sweet!”
Lleyton: “I guess he decided the ponytail wasn’t intimidating enough.”
(Alex begins shooting tennis balls all over the room)
Kim: “Lleyton!” (At the same time) Lleyton: “Kim!”
(They dive to cover each other and end up colliding in mid-air and falling on the floor, Lleyton sprawled on top of Kim)
Jan Mike: “Myself!” (He tries to cover himself, but only succeeds in flopping unceremoniously onto the floor)
Jen: “My boobs!” (She throws her arm over her chest, then realizes that means no one can see it, and quickly removes her arm)
Lleyton: “Quick, under the table!”
(Lleyton and Kim scurry under)
Kim: “You tried to save me!”
Lleyton: “Of course I tried to save you! I love you, you crazy overdramatic nutjob!”
Kim: “Well, I love you too, you egotistical moron!”
Lleyton: (touched) “You tried to save me, too.”
Kim: “Oh, Lleyton, I’m sorry. I know I mean more to you than football. Most of the time, at least. I just feel so insecure sometimes when I can’t be with you, and when it feels like Hayden cares about me more than you do. . .”
Lleyton: “But he doesn’t! He can’t! No one could possibly care about you more than I do!”
Kim: “Ohh…”
(They start making out)
Alex: “Where are you, Hewitt, you obnoxious hormonal teenager?”
(Kim pulls away)
Kim: “Lleyton! You have to get out of here!”
Lleyton: “I’m not leaving without you.”
Kim: “No! Save yourself! I’ll create a distraction!”
Lleyton: “No! I’LL create a distraction!”
Kim: “Lleyton! You can’t create a distraction, you’re the one he’s looking for!”
Lleyton: “Oh, right.”
Kim: “I’ll be okay! I can take care of myself! When I distract him, run out the back! I’ll meet you afterwards!”
Lleyton: “Be careful, Kimsies.”
(Kim slips out from under the table to see a mob scene, with people running everywhere, Anna screeching, Martina throwing vases, Xavier twitching on the floor holding his chest, Andy twitching on the floor holding his knee, Johnny Mac trying to disarm Alex using a wooden racket, Enrique throwing Doritos at Alex, Jelena studying a map, and Jennifer doing a striptease)
Kim: (taking a deep breath) “Hey! You! Over here! Do you know who I am? C’monnnnnnnn!”

Alex: “Hewitt!”
Kim: “Uh…”
Alex: “You little punk. You thought you could win Wimbledon without the great Alex Corretja having anything to say about it? I’ll teach you a lesson!”
Kim: “The same way Yevgeny did, you mean?”
Alex: “Why you little…”
Kim: “You can’t beat me on the court, so you have to shoot tennis balls at me at a wedding! You’re pathetic, mate!”
Alex: “I’ll have your shaved little head on--hey, wait. You have hair! You’re not Lleyton!”
Kim: “Gee, really?”
Alex: “You’re…you’re…”
Rios: “A good for nothing woman.”
Alex: “A good for nothing woman! I mean, no, I like women! I--I--oh, God, just keep Jim away from me.”
Kim: “No, I’m not Lleyton. You’ll never get to Lleyton. Because you’ll have to go through me.”
Alex: (sarcastically) “How intimidating.”
Kim: “You can aim that machine at me all you want, mister. But you are not TOUCHING my boyfriend!”
Alex: “You cannot stop me from fulfilling my goal!”
Kim: “No, but I can baffle you into submission.”
Alex: “You--huh?”
Kim: “See? Now it’s time for a musical number.”
Alex: “What?”
Kim: (Striking a pose and beginning to sing)
“I broke my heart for every gain
To taste the sweet, I faced the pain
I rise and fall, yet through it all,
This much remains!
I want one moment in time…”
Alex: (Joining in excitedly) “When I’m more than I thought I could be!”
Together: “When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away,
And the answers are all up to me!”
(Alex puts down the machine and takes Kim’s hands, as they begin to dance dramatically around the dance floor, still singing)
Together: “Give me one moment in time
When I’m racing with destiny
Then in that one moment in time
I will be free!”
(Alex breaks down crying, sitting on the floor)
Alex: “That was all I ever wanted! One moment in time! At Roland Garros! Or anywhere! I want to be free! Free me!”
(Clutches desperately at Kim’s ankles)
Kim: “Oh--I--we’re, um, ALL free. Really.”
Alex: “No! I am suffocated! I am buckling under the pressure! I cannot make choices anymore! I need to stop babbling! No, I can’t! Yes! No! See? No choices!”
Kim: “Alex, I really think you need to look at your life and resort out your priorities!”
Alex: “I’m miserable! I take my anger out onto Lleyton because he has a life! He has you!”
Kim: “Well--”
Alex: “Yes! That is it! I need you! Will you marry me?”
Kim: “I can’t! You don’t even know either of my middle names!”
Alex: “That is true…”
Kim: “Do you even know my first name?”
Alex: “Uh…”
(Kim glares)
Alex: “I don’t watch women’s tennis! Give me a hint!”
Kim: “It rhymes with the name of Britain’s top player.”
Alex: “Meg, will you marry me?”
(Kim sighs, Alex reaches and grabs an onion ring off a nearby table and offers it to her)
Kim: “I can’t, Alex. My heart belongs to another. Someone who loves me and takes care of me and, you know, knows my name. But I will take that ring; I’m absolutely starving.”
Alex: “If you were my wife, you would never go hungry.”
Kim: “Oh, Alex. You’re very sweet, really. But I’d starve for eternity to be with my one true love. Because my soul and heart will always be full.”
Alex: “Uh…ok, that’s cool.”
Kim: “Sorry, I’ve seen The Princess Bride too many times.”
Alex: “The what?’
Kim: “Never mind.”
Alex: “Well, thank you anyway, Peg, and I’m going to go ask Martina. I think she’s desperate.”
Kim: “Well, that wasn’t too bad.”
Rennae: “Ha! It’s not over yet, blondie. Maybe some people are too weak to do what needs to be done. But not me.”
(She picks up the machine and points it at Kim)
Rennae: “It’s time for you and me to have it out, Clijsters. No umpires, so lines people, no partners, just you and me and this tennis ball machine.”

Once sure if it's all there..
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Posted by Peridotpixie:

Kim: “Lleyton, we have GOT to get out of here.”
Lleyton: “I haven’t even gotten my food yet!”
Kim: “Lleyton, accept it. You’re never going to get your food. And I don’t think I can stay here another minute.”
Lleyton: “Hey, you’re the one who wanted to come!”
Kim: “Out of curiosity! Besides, it would’ve been rude to decline the invitation. Sometimes, Lleyton, you have to do things you don’t want to for the sake of PR.”
Lleyton: (confused) “But I never do things I don’t want to.”
Kim: “Yes. I know.”
Lleyton: “We can’t leave now anyway. Jennifer is making a drunk scene in the doorway.”
Kim: “Oh, Jenn…maybe we should do something?”
Lleyton: “Like what? Trip over her?”
(Serena sashays over)
Serena: “There’s nothing you can do for her, Kim. This is where the lack of a formal education will get you. Jenn’s unchangeable. Maybe if she had listened to her parents growing up, she would have turned out decently.”
Kim: “I don’t know, Serena. I mean, look where listening to their parents got some people.” (Eyes Jelena)
Serena: “True. Still, all in all, nothing makes up for not being properly educated.”
Kim: “Don’t you think maybe we should go help her at least get up?”
Serena: “Can’t, hun. If I bend over my boobs will just pop right out.”
Lleyton: “Then why’d you wear that dress?”
Serena: “One word: fashion.”
Lleyton: “Fashion?”
Serena: “Yes.”
Lleyton: “Okay, then. I don’t know much about it.”
Serena: “Oh, that’s okay. I can always design you a few outfits.”
Kim: “Err, Serena…”
Serena: “Kim, geez, relax! I’ll make you some, too.”
Lleyton: “You mean, like, catsuits?”
Serena: (giggling) “If she wants.”
Kim: “Lleyton, stop it.”
Lleyton: “I can’t help it! It would be so sexy…”
Kim: “Yes. And think of all the tournaments I play without you.”
Lleyton: “Serena, I think maybe some very loose, non clingy attire would be appropriate. You know, maybe some things inspired by a nunnery.”
(Kim rolls her eyes)
Kim: “I don’t know, Lleyton. Dressing like a nun might encourage me to start behaving like one as well.”
Lleyton: “Right, okay, so forget about the nunnery…”
Serena: “You guys are so weird. So, Lleyton, how about that dance we never had at Wimbledon?”
Kim: “Hey!”
Serena: (Giving Kim her sweetest, most innocent look)”Oh, Kim, you don’t mind if I have one little eensy dance with him, right?”
Kim: “Well…”
Lleyton: “Actually--”
Kim: “I think maybe Venus wanted to dance with him.”
Serena: “Kim, perhaps you didn’t notice who wears the crown in our family.”
Lleyton: “Your father?”
Serena: “Hey--”
Lleyton: “Anyway, thanks Serena, but I wanted to dance with Kim.”
Serena: “You ALWAYS dance with Kim! Give someone else a chance!”
Lleyton: “Hey, I will if you promise to abide by the same philosophy.”
Serena: “Sure, no problem.”
Lleyton: “And I don’t mean your sister.”
Serena: “Well…”
Lleyton: “What the hell am I saying? Never mind. Kim can beat you on her own.”
Serena: “No! She doesn’t have a catsuit and pink sneakers and a tiara!”
Lleyton: (muttering) “Thank the lord.”
Kim: “What rank is YOUR boyfriend, Serena?”
Serena: (shuffling her feet uncomfortably) “Uh…”
Kim: “Is he number one in the world?”
Serena: “Uh…”
Kim: “Oh, wait, no, I guess he CAN’T be, can he?”
Serena: “Well--just because your boyfriend’s good at tennis--”
Kim: “Among other things.”
Lleyton: “Thanks, love.”
Kim: “No problem, babe. So, Serena, what IS your boyfriend good at?”
Serena: “I, um, I--”
Kim: “Oh, it’s okay, Serena. I just think it’s sad that you don’t always have someone to love you and take care of you like Lleyton does for me.”
Lleyton: “Like we do for each other.”
(They exchange a mushy look. Serena looks from one to the other, then bursts into tears and runs away)
Kim: "Oh, no. Maybe I should go after her."
Lleyton: (giving her a Look) "What is WRONG with you?"

(Lleyton and Kim are playing cards at their table, while Jennifer fights drunkenly with Matthew, who is trying to escort her out)
Matt: “Careful, don’t trip on your skirt.”
(Jenn’s heel catches on her long skirt and she flies forward, knocking into Monica. Monica grunts, then pushes Jenn back to Matt)
Jennifer: “You’re not my friend anymore!”
Matt: “Ok, come on, Jenn, let’s just--”
Jennifer: “Want my pants?”
Matt: “…Jenn, you’re not wearing pants.”
Jennifer: “What?! You took my pants?!”
Matt: “Oh, god give me strength.”
Kim: “Gin.”
Lleyton: “Nuh-uh!”
Kim: “Um…yuh-huh?”
Lleyton: (examining cards) “Damn.”
Marat: “I see you are bored.”
Kim: “Actually, we--”
Lleyton: “Hey, what’s up? Want to distract us from our game?”
(Kim glares)
Marat: “Well, I was hired to entertain people.”
Lleyton: “They’re paying you?”
Marat: “Yes.”
Lleyton: “You took up a second job? You entertain at weddings? Marat, man, I know you choke a lot and enjoy going on little self destruction trips but you’re not THAT bad.”
Marat: “No, I don’t need extra cash. They are paying me in Anna’s blonde friends."
Lleyton: “Oh.”
Kim: “Are you going to sing? Dance? Yell?”
Marat: “No, no. I am going to make animals.”
Lleyton: “Out of balloons?”
Marat: “Out of rackets.”
(He pulls out a tennis racket)
Marat: (to Kim) “What would you like?”
Kim: “Um…can you do a dog?”
Marat: “A dog? Sure.”
(Begins smacking racket against table leg vigorously. His face begins to turn red and veins begin to pop)
Kim: “Lleyton…I’m scared.”
Lleyton: “Oh, relax. He does this all the time.”
Jennifer: “Aughhh! It’s an earthquake!”
Matt: “No, no, it’s just Marat.”
Jennifer: “Oh. Sorry, Marat. Wow, you look really bad tonight. I mean, sorry, but your suit is all ugly, and…”
Matt: “Jenn! That’s Amelie!”
Amelie: “Hmmph!”
Jenn: “Oh, in that case, can I punch her?”
(Matt hits head against pillar)
Kim: “Gin.”
Lleyton: “What the hell????”
Kim: “Sorry.”
Lleyton: “Ok, this time I’M dealing.”
Kim: “This would be easier if the table weren’t shaking.”
Marat: (gasping as he whacks the racket into the table) “Sorry. Side effect.”
Jelena: “Kim, I just wanted to let you know that I took your sweater. I saw it lying on your chair, and I wanted a sweater, so I took it. Figured you wouldn’t mind.”
Kim: “My chair?”
Jelena: “Yeah, the desk chair.”
Kim: “My chair in my ROOM?”
Jelena: “Yup. Thanks.”
(Jelena walks away)
Kim: “I’m so confused…”
Lleyton: “We need a scary security guard, someone intimidating.”
Kim: “We have Hayden…”
Lleyton: “Hayden? Intimidating? I think we’d be better off with my mother.”
Kim: “Only if she wears the sunglasses.”
Lleyton: “Don’t think that’ll be a problem, somehow.”
Kim: “Gin.”
Lleyton: “That’s it. We’re playing something else. We’re playing poker.”
Jelena: “Hey, Kim?”
Kim: “Yes, Jeca?”
Jelena: “I took your necklace. It was really pretty, and I figured you wouldn’t mind.”
Kim: “My necklace? From my safety deposit box?”
Jelena: “Yeah, that one.”
Kim: “How did you get the key?”
Jelena: “I took it out of your coat pocket last week. I figured you wouldn’t mind.”
(Sits down on Lleyton’s lap)
Lleyton: “Aughh! Aughhh! Get it off! Get it off!!! Help!!!!”
Kim: “Jelena! Get OFF my boyfriend!”
Jelena: “Oh. I didn’t think you’d mind.”
(Waiter comes over)
Waiter: “Okay, who eez Kim Clijsters?”
Jelena (jumping up): “I am!”
Kim: “No! Stop! Jelena! You cannot steal my identity! Or anything else of mine for that matter! Cut it OUT!”
Jelena: “No, I am. Look.”
(Pulls out card)
Kim: “How did you get my passport?!!!!!!”
Lleyton: “I have a guess.”
(He calmly grabs it back)
Jelena: “Hey! That wasn’t very nice!”
Lleyton: “This feels very ironic, somehow.”
Marat: “Arghhhhhh!!!!!”
Jelena: “What’s-what’s he doing?”
Lleyton: “Trying to restrain himself from attacking you, same as me. He’s our new bodyguard, by the way.”
Jelena: “Oh…uh…I’m just gonna go now. Bye.”
(She hurries away, looking frightened)
Kim: “Ha! Royal flush!”
Lleyton: “Let’s play Go Fish.”

Kim: “Lleytooooooooooooooooooooooon! I’m huuuuuuuuuuungry!”
Lleyton: “I know, love, I know.”
Kim: “Why won’t our waiter bring us food?”
Lleyton: “He’s probably scared of Andy.”
Kim: “I’m a little scared of Andy.”
Lleyton: “Oh, I won’t let him hurt you.”
Kim: “Oh, I know. I’m just saying…”
(Kim’s cell phone rings)
Kim: “Hello? Oh, hi…where are you--oh, really? Okay…well…no, we shouldn’t be TOO much longer, I guess…well, you see, things are a little weird here…yeah. No, no, that’s okay.”
Lleyton: “Who is it?’
Kim: “Your mother.” (into phone) “No, no, it’s really fine, you don’t have to--well, by weird, I meant, uh, exciting. Because of…all the, um…exciting things, and, yeah, it’s so great! Whoo! No, I’m not drunk. I sort of wish I were, though.”
Lleyton: “Tell her to leave you the hell alone.”
Kim: (hissing with one hand over the mouthpiece) “Why don’t YOU tell her that?”
Lleyton: “No way.”
Kim: “Yes, thank you. Bye. Bye. Yes. Goodbye. Uh-huh. Godnight. Bye. Goodnight.”
(Hangs up, sighs with relief)
Lleyton: “Uh…Sorry.”
Kim: “Yuh-huh.”
(Jelena walks over to the table and dramatically collapses next to it)
Lleyton: “Oh god, ANOTHER one? What do people think this is, the US Open?”
Kim: “Well, they’re not cramping, they’re just collapsing. Um, Jelena…are you okay?”
Jelena: “Does it LOOK like I’m okay?”
Kim: “Well…no. What’s wrong?”
Jelena: “Isn’t it obvious? I’ve played way too many tournaments this year!”
Kim: “Well, yes…and it’s affecting you right now?”
Jelena: “Yes!”
Kim: “What can you do?”
Jelena: “I intend to reduce my schedule next year.”
Kim: “Right, but what can you do right now?”
Jelena: “Nothing! Can’t you see I’m paralyzed?”
Lleyton: “Do you think it would help if I stepped on her?’
Kim: “Lleyt…”
Jelena: “Do something!”
Kim: (flustered) “What?”
Jelena: “I don’t know! Just do it!”
Kim: “I don’t know--I can’t--help!”
Lleyton: “Jelena, if you don’t get off the floor in the next ten seconds, I’m calling the Aussie media and giving them your father’s cell phone number.”
(Jelena hurriedly gets up and walks away)
Kim: “You’re a miracle worker.”
Lleyton: “Well, I try.”
(A man comes and sits down at their table)
Man: “Hello.”
Lleyton: “Hi…who are you?”
Man: “Oh, I beg your pardon. I am Sigmund. I have just joined the ATP Tour.”
Lleyton: “Oh…um, a little bit of a late bloomer, huh?’
Sigmund: “Well, I had no intention of playing tennis as more than a hobby, but England is so desperate for players that they have coaxed me to give up my job of garden sculpting and play for them.”
Kim: “Garden sculpting?”
Sigmund: “Yes, I made gnomes.”
Kim: “Gnomes?”
Sigmund: “Big gnomes, small gnomes, fat gnomes, magic gnomes, any gnome, really.”
Kim: “Oh…how…interesting.”
Lleyton: “But you’re a tennis player?’
Sigmund: “Well, I will be soon. I start lessons this week.”
Lleyton: “Oh. Um…swell. Well, I’m Lleyton, and this is Kim.”
Kim: “Nice to meet you.”
Sigmund: “The pleasure is all mine.”
Kim: “So what made them choose you?’
Sigmund: “Well, I’m very tall, so they think I’ll be a good serve and volleyer. And I have poor dental hygiene. I hope to improve rapidly, because they’ve given me a wildcard into the main draw of the tournament next week.”
Lleyton: “Great! Interested in playing doubles?”
Kim: “So, Sigmund, you have played before, of course.”
Sigmund: “Well, I have a court in my backyard.”
Kim: “Oh, all right.”
Sigmund: “Of course, I’ve never actually used it…but all rich people get courts in their yards. It’s tradition!”
Kim: “Wow. So they came and asked you out of the blue, even though you have absolutely no experience.”
Sigmund: “It’s part of their new talent development program.”
Lleyton: “So, doubles, mate?”
Kim: “Lleyton…”
Lleyton: “Yes?”
Kim: “Never mind.”

Kim: “Lleyton, I need to leave. I need to leave NOW.”
Lleyton: “Okay, okay. We’ll go check our messages.”
(Kim and Lleyton escape through a backdoor and hurry into the lobby. Lleyton approaches the front desk)
Lleyton: “Excuse me, any messages for Lleyton Hewitt?”
Desk Guy: “Ermmm…let me check. Nope, none.”
Lleyton: “Really? That’s surprising. Could you check again?”
Desk Guy: “I’m sorry, sir, there aren’t any messages.”
Lleyton: “For Lleyton Hewitt in room 533?”
Desk Guy: “Not for Lleyton Hewitt, sir, but there are a few for room 533. We have one for Kim, uh, Cliggers, one for K. Clangers, one for Kim Clippers, and one for a Miss Sizers.”
Kim: “Um…that would be me.”
Desk Guy: “Which?”
Kim: “All of them.”
Desk Guy: “How many names do you HAVE?”
Lleyton: “And those are ALL the messages for room 533?”
Desk Guy: “Yes. Well, except for the ones for Bayton Bewitt, You Can Do It, Jason Newgitt, and Patrick Rafter.”
Lleyton: “Patrick--uh, okay. I’ll just take all of those.”
Desk Guy: “I don’t think I should give them to you.”
Lleyton: “Why not? They’re my messages!”
Desk Guy: “I’d like some proof that you’re the real Bayton. Imagine if I gave this message to you, and later Bayton came in and asked for his message!”
Lleyton: “Look, just give me the message.”
Desk Guy: “Well…”
Lleyton: “Look, I’m the real Bayton, ok?!”
Desk Guy: “Fine, fine, take them. But don’t blame me when angry You Can Do It comes pounding on your door, demanding his messages.”
Lleyton: “I’ll try to remember that.” (mutters to himself)
(Kim, reading her message)
Kim: “Lleyton? Word?”
Lleyton: “Which?”
(Kim points)
Lleyton: “Luminous. It means bright, sort of glowing.”
Kim: “Thank you. Okay, let’s go.”
Lleyton: “Where?”
Kim: “Oh, I know, let’s practice our first serves!”
Lleyton: “Oh, come on, Kim.”
Kim: “No, it’ll be good.”
Lleyton: “I don’t think so. Let’s go do something that’s actually productive.”
Kim: “Like practicing volleying?”
Lleyton: “No. Kim, we can’t practice dressed like this.”
Kim: “But we just fought a rumble dressed like this.”
Lleyton: “The whole point of a fight is that you don’t have time to change. The same philosophy does not apply to training.”
Kim: “Well, what did you have in mind?”
Lleyton: “Uh…I don’t know…”
Kim: “You want to make out, don’t you?”
Lleyton: “Oh, hey, there’s an idea!”
Kim: “Lleyton, I have a cold.”
Lleyton: “I don’t care.”
Kim: “Lleyton!”
Lleyton: “I’m going to catch it anyway!”
Kim: “How do you know?”
Lleyton: “We share a bed, Kim!”
Kim: “We don’t have to. You could sleep on the floor.”
Lleyton: “Thanks. Always looking out for me.”
Kim: “I do my best.”
Lleyton: “So, what are we waiting for?”
Kim: “You to grow a brain.”
Lleyton: “Then we could be here an awfully long time!”
Kim: “It’s like you WANT to get the cold.”
Lleyton: “Errr…no. Not at all.”
Kim: “Lleyton…”
Lleyton: “I don’t. No cold. Blegh. Now shove your tongue down my throat.”
Kim: “Lleyton!”
Lleyton: “What?”
Kim: “Oh my god. You want to get the cold so you’ll have an excuse to pull out of tournaments and lose in the first round!”
Lleyton: “Second round.”
Kim: “Whatever. You didn’t win the match.”
Lleyton: “It was a WALKOVER. He didn’t play. I won by DEFAULT.”
Kim: “Whatever.”
Lleyton: “A win is a win.”
Kim: “Sure.”
Lleyton: “Look, Kim, I have a reputation to keep up, okay? I’m ALWAYS sick. It’s just the way I am. People EXPECT it from me. If you really want to show me how much you love me, sneeze on me and cough in my face. And, oh yeah, let’s make out.”
Kim: “Oh, Lleyton. Well, okay

Posted by Static:

Oh fine then I'll start something crappy, but Mazza you are writing with me

Lleyton and Kimmike are playing golf, but a bad hit from Lley hits some unfortunate person on the head.

Kim: Oh my god we should see if that person is alright

Kim and Lleyton run to aid that unfortunate person who is....

Mazza your turn

Posted by Ms Bogdanovic:

is...... Greg Rusedski!

Greg: Gee! That is me out with ANOTHER injury! You hit my eye!

Lleyton: Sorry mate.

Greg: first my heel, then my mouth, my teeth... my fingernail!

Posted by Static:

Lleyton: Wow I'm sorry mate I didn't mean to... add on to your set of injuries.

Greg: I'm sure you didn't, your prolly working with those Canucks, they're out to get me you know.

Kim: Yeah, I'm sure they are

Yet out of the bloom comes out Mazza, chased by cops who saw her walking down the street and doing nothing of any criminal significance (lol I told you I'll add on some one from the Lleyki forest )

Posted by Ms Bogdanovic:

*Iin an attepmt to get away from the Bill, Marie jumps in a random trolley and heads towards Kim, Lleyton and Greg.... but suddenly crashes into Greg*


Kim: My word Greg! whats that in your hair??!!


Kim: prahaps we should get a dentist or something for Greg......

Lleyton: oh no way mate! leave him! im fed up of loosing to him! I've lost valuable points cos' of him! it's my fucking prority to get to no.1... well the crows too! GO CROWS!

Kim: *cough* errmmm... Lleyton... am I somehow NOT a priority anymore??!! No wonder you havent got down on one knee yet!

Posted by Static:

Lleyton: Kim I didn't mean it like that, and you know that our careers are very important... and yeah

Kim: More important than me?

Lleyton: No I mean... gah... OH who's that girl in a trolley ... I think she needs some medical attention

*everyone looks at Mazza *
Mazza: Where the hell am I? Who the hell are you?

Posted by Ms Bogdanovic:

Greg: You broke my teeth This is going to cost me thousands to get them back! I have no money as im injured, does Lucy have a career?! IM POOR!! WWWWAAAAA!! My word! Things in England are so jolly expensive!

Kim: Shut up Greg! Don't change the subject Lleyton! but first, let me help that scary girl in the trolley!

Mazza: I want my Boggo, kimmiiieeee!! Bogggy Boggy Bpggy??!!

Kim and Lleyton: Who's Boggo?!

Greg: A Brit with teeth!

Kim: Well by golly gosh! Call Boggo and help this poor drunk girl!!

Mazza: But KKKKKKKKKIIIIIMMM!!! are youuuu and Lleytonnnn engaged yet??!!!

Kim: See Lleyton! Who is more important?! me or your career/crappy crows?! I have drunk people asking me if we are engaged yet!!

Lleyton: But Kiiimmiiiee!! The crows are going through a bad stage!!

Kim: answer the question! I can't go around making more excuses about this ring! *shows left finger* the birthday pressie has been sussed, the friendship thing has been sussed, Haven't you go the hint yet??!! Ii want ths to be more than just a ring!

Greg: My lucy had to wait 9 years!

Kim: Ggre, you really are NOT helping now!

Lleyton: Why... OH! I remeber now! KIM! we ARE engaged! don't you remeber that time we watched the crows... I gave you that ring, when suddenly that beauty of a shot from the crows....

Posted by Static:

Kim: Ugh you didn't even bother to say a word... all I heard was "What a Ripper!"

Lleyton: It was a ripper

Mazza: Oh my god so you are engaged Wait till I tell those crazy people at the Lleyki forest!!!

Greg: Forest of what now?

Mazza: You know Kim and Lleyton fans... there's more then 10 people there

Kim: So there are more like you?

Greg: They all have teeth right?

Mazza: Yes and yes.... oh how I wish Boggo was here to see this ... I want Boggo

Lleyton: I want the Aussie rules season to start again, god those Brisbane wankers think they are so tough... well the cup belongs in Adelaide... to the Crows.... no those Port tossers

Posted by Ms Bogdanovic:

Kim: Oh shut up for once about the fucking Crows! Tthey are crap! Wow! Lleyton and I have fans?! How about you come to one of my clinics!

Mazza: oooh! a clinic with Kimmie! wait till I tell all the other Lleykies!! Can Boggo come??!!

Greg: Do you do drop-in teeth clinics, Kim?

Kim: Yes sure! Oh I love people! I really do! I love everyone... apart from thoes bloody crows! *cough*

Lleyton: Hey Kim! How about we have a themed wedding where we can turn up in short shorts.... just like the crowws! a crows themed wedding!

Kim: You've barely popped the questions due to thoes crows! and no, I'd rather get married in Ezel's white outfit than in a crows kit!

Mazza: You know, one of the Lleykies, Marly... well she's a doctor you know... she could get rid of that crows obbsession for you.......

Posted by Static:

Kim: Wow that Marly sounds pretty interesting, well how will she do that?

Mazza: Well I'm not sure...but I know she has a gun... she can shoot them!

Kim: Perfect

Lleyton: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Kimmy please noooo oh god these Lleyki people sound awful why on earth would they hurt someone so sweet so beautiful so amazing... I mean they are the CROWS Nothing compares to them!

Kim: UGH! Maybe this Marly should leave her gun with me

Greg: I use to have something so sweet so beautiful and so amazing *sigh*... I want my teeth back

*suddenly out of no where Someone bottles down again and hits Greg again*


Posted by Ms Bogdanovic:

*Everyone turns around, apart from Greg as now he has broken his neck .... to find that the person who had thrown the bottle is....*



Cilla: Whoooops! Sorry Greg! But after seeing all that cheap Donnay gear you had on, I thought you were a well 'ard townie!

Kim: Townie? Wel... so anyway, back to Marly and the gun!

Cilla: Come to the Lleyki forest with Lleyton and The Crows and also bring vodka, tickets for every tournie.... for about 10+ people....

Mazza: ... But Friday and Saturday nights after 7pm are a bit of a problem as a few of the Lleykies are out sitting in random trollies.

Lleyton: Why? To go shopping for Crows merchendise? They've brought out the Christmas catologue which has a limited edition talking crimbo crow! *gets out the crimbo crow and presses it to hear "ripper" .."bloody port tossers".. "Brisbane wankers"* ah this is a beauty, mate!

Kim: *snatches toy off Lleyton and throws on Greg* Grow up!

Cilla: Ouch! I think you got in the.... *ahem* well, anyway, just come to the forest asap... and SOMEBODY phone an ambulance for Greg!

*The next day... Kim, Lleyton and the Adelaide crows and making their way into the forest.....*

Posted by Static:

Lleyton: Ok where the hell are we? I think I got bitten by a snake?

Kim: Oh stop whining... why the hell did they have to come? *points at the crows*

Lleyton: Well they are with me no matter where I am, and since I ditched Hayden and the AFL season is over I decided to pay them so they can travel with me and play footy with me

Kim: *mutters* I wish I could pay them to strangle themselves

Cilla: Oh we are almost there Wait till you meet all the people

Suddenly someone unexpected comes out!

Cilla : What?

Mazza: BOGGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boggo: Hi!

Posted by Ms Bogdanovic:

Right.. this is one that Ana, Cilla, Angele, Marly and I did yonks ago...

It's the pony-tailed tosser one!

Elke: Wow that guy is gorgeous! I can't believe he is single! *looks at Lleyton*

Kim: Look at the guy beside him *looks at Pat* he is just perfect!

Elke: Pat is nothing compare to Lleyton, trust me!

Kim: How would you know?

Elke: Well he wouldn't even give me his autograph

Kim: And Lleyton would? The boy has serious mental issues!

Elke: Well you can find out for yourself go ask him for his autograph?

Kim: Fine I will just to prove you wrong!

Kim: Oi spunky! Gimme an autograph

Lleyton: alright me sexy shelia! *scribbles down autograph*

Kim: Danku! Well you know that Pat guy well....

Lleyton: You wanna come to Pat's party don't u! I'll pick u up at 8 k?


Lleyton: Peachy, then I"ll see you then

*walks back to Elke and hands her the autograph*

Kim: I'm not sure what just happend here? I think he asked me out...

Elke: What you stole my Lleyton from me

Kim: Calm down its not my fault, sides he prolly just needs a date for that party, you can sneak in and meet with him and I can meet with my Pat

*Later on that night...*

*ding dong- Kim opens door*

Lleyton: Ello sweet pea *gives flowers*

Kim: ugh.... I ain't ya sweet pea... but thanx I'll put them in water

Lleyton: So ya ready to hit the hippest party this side of Melb?!

Kim: Yeah, now Pat is gonna be there right?

Lleyton: It is his party babe

Kim: Ahhh cool *shouting* Oi Elke!! were going now!

Elke: Look Kim how should I pounce on Lley.... OMG! hi Lleyton

Lleyton: Who the fuck are you?

Elke: *flutters eyelids* El..l...kee!

Lleyton: Whateva.. we moving or what?!

Kim: Yeah.. don't want Pat waiting for me do we!

*all get into Lleyton's flashy convertible*

*arriving at the party*

Kim: Geez there's a lot of people here how will I ever be able to find Pat?

Lleyton: Don't worry you're with me

Elke: And I'm with you...

Lleyton: Umm...yeah... So lets go inside...

Kim: Yes Iiii..WE must see Pat and congratulate him...

*At the party*

Pat: Hey Lleyton, glad you... hey, who's your date?

Kim: Hi Pat I'm Kim, I play on the tour, maybe you've seen me play? Anyways I'm a huge fan

Pat: No I don't think I've ever seen you play... I would of remembered a face like yours

Lleyton: Come on Kim, you have to meet my other friends

Pat: C'mon Lletyon, can't I just borrow her for one second

Elke: I'll keep you company Lleyton

**Lleyton gives Pat evil glare and walks away with Elke*

Lleyton: Nah, we've got plenty of time to do that! You wanna drink?

Elke: I would LOVE a drink Lleyton

Lleyton: errr I was asking Kim....

Kim: Errr yeah *looking for pat* anything.....

Lleyton: how about a sex on the beach?

Elke: Oooh yeah Lleyton.. now or later?

Lleyton: Shut up Elko and no I wasn't offereing... it's a cocktail buthead!!

Kim: OMG!! PAT!! *rushes over*

Pat: Do I know you?

Kim: *flirting* Hi! Im Kim! soooo you wanna... say... dance?

Pat: Jeez! I'd love to but every other chick in this room has asked me... I mean I am one hell of a casonova you know mate! But why don't u go ask Lleyton... he's rather ey ey if u know what I mean

Kim: What? Spunk boy? errr......

*Elke with Lleyton*

Lleyton: Yeah so how old are you like 12?

Elke: I'm turning 15 soon

Lleyton: ... Could have fooled me *sees Hayden * hey Hayd!

Hayden: Don't tell me you're babysitting your little sis's friends now?

Lleyton: might as well be

Elke: Ehem I'm his date

Lleyton:... Holy Sh*t is that Pat dancing with my girl? That two timing bastard!

*Pat runs out with screams!*

Pat: Alright M88888888888888888888!!!!!

Lleyton: Fuck you!!! Ya nicked my bird!!! Im am like sooooo gonna tell your Lara chick!

Pat: Oh!! Don't If I loose Lara....

Lleyton: Well give Kimmie back to me!!!

Pat: She doesent like you!!! Stick with that Elke... better bargain if you ask me!!

Kim: *angry* Better bargain eh?! I cant belive u said that! I have pictures of you on my wall! A picture of you in my purse and I take your photo with me everywhere I go and kiss it every night and you call Elke a better baragin!! *runs off in tears*

Lleyton: Look what you done Skunky!!! You can be a complete prick!!

Pat: h shut it brat face... look... perfect oppurtunity to get that Kimmie chick!

Lleyton: Crap you are right *runs after Kim*

*Kim is crying and Lleyton comes up to her*

Lleyton: He didn't mean that you know, He can be a prick at times

Kim: I see that

Lleyton: Now don't let him ruin it I personally think your a much better bargain than that 12 year old

Kim: gee thnx...

Lleyton: Lets say you and I go out for some food I'm getting hungry?

Kim: Yeah why not!

Lleyton: ooh cool.. so where ya wanna go? how about.... cafe lurrrrvve?!

Kim: yeah sure!

*Kim and Lleyton are walking. Lleyton makes a grab for Kim's hand*

Kim: errm?!

Lleyton: sorry... but i just had to! you are looking very gorgeous I must say

Kim: I have to admit you look sexy too

Lleyton: Soooo do ya wanna go out another night... prahaps....

Kim: Sure that sounds great

Lleyton: What about Saturday night? We could have a picnic on the beach, maybe go dancing afterwards

Kim: Wow, I didn't realise you were such a romantic

Lleyton: Well actually I'm not there's just something about you...

Kim: tee hee! Well I have to admit... there something about you too.....

Lleyton: Well I fell in love you the first time I saw you.... I have to admit... I've fancied you for ages....

Kim: awww i'm starting to fall in love with you too....

Lleyton: woah! So I guess... that... means... err *getting very nervous and shy* errm... you wanna go out with me?

Kim: *really happy* Oh! errm... yeah! sure!

*about to have their first kiss when Thoes Hewitt Parents interrupt!!!*

Glynn:Alrite son! Glynn slaps Lleyton on the back

Cherilyn:Lleyton...mwah! She kisses him on the cheek(Kim tries not to laugh!)

Lleyton:Mum for fucks sake can't you see I'm tryin to get laid....(Kim glares at Lleyton)i mean talk to my friend

Cherilyn:Well aren't you going to introduce us to your lady friend...

Lleyton:Mum..... This is Kim and we really have to go c'mon Kim.

Cherilyn calls after him:Lleyton.....oh that boy..make sure you've got clean underwear on!!

Lleyton slaps his head in disgust. They make their way back to the hotel room........

*In the motel*

*Lletyon takes out the key to the motel room and unlucks the door*

Kim: Lletyon, don't you think we're taking things a bit too fast

Lleyton: Normally i'd say yeah but this just feels so right

*Lleyton takes Kim into his arms and gives her a passionate kiss*

Kim: *giggle* At least shut the door

*Lleyton shuts the door*

Lleyton: Would it be too early so say that I'm falling in love with you

*Suddenly, a knock on the door*

Lleyton: Fuck, who could that be

*Kim opens the door*

Kim: Carl, what are you doing here

Carl: Lei sent me to check up on you

*In Lleyton's hotel room*

Kim: *laughs nervously* Dad sent you here to check up on me? What on earth for?

Carl: *looking suspiciously at Lleyton* Elke came back from that party very upset, and said you'd run off with some "ponytailed bastard of a boy." *nods at Lleyton* That would be you, I suppose?

Kim: I wouldn't call it exactly running off...

Lleyton: *acting very proper* How do you do, sir? I'm Lleyton, yes, I guess I would be the bastard Elke was referring to. *laughs nervously*

Carl: *crossing arms* Kim, do you want to tell me exactly what's going on here?

Kim: Well, it's kind of funny, actually....

Carl: Is it, now?

Kim:Erm....yeah... you see Lleyton was her because erm..he was helping me with.....

Kim & Lleyton exchange nervous looks

Lleyton:Yeah carl, I was just helping Kim.....restring her racket!

Kim:Yeah,yeah that's what I meant he was restringing my racket..

Lleyton stifled a laugh while Kim nudged him in the back

Carl:mmm......well if that is all your doing?

Kim & Lleyton nod

Carl:Ok then I'll leave you to restring Kim's raquet,but if i find out your lying Hewitt & your taking advantage of Kim. I'll make sure I take your racket and stick it up your......

Kim:Ok then Carl, Night

Kim hurriedly slams the door.........

Lleyton: That was a close one!

*Kim locks the door and turns around.*

Kim: *skeptically* You were helping me restring my racket?

Lleyton: Yeah, well, I was under just a bit of pressure there, okay? *shrugs* And hey, it worked, didn't it?

Kim: Oh yes, it certainly worked. *walks toward Lleyton and wraps her arms around his neck* How about we get back to....restringing my racket?

Lleyton: Well, if you insist....

Lleyton & Kim begin to kiss they sit on the edge of the bed.



Kim: Do u wanna......

Lleyton:If you wanna....


Lleyton & Kim get under the bed covers suddenly Kim lets out a scream......


Lleyton:Kimmy what's wrong?

Under the bedcovers a figure appears. To Lleyton & Kim's horror & disgust it's.................

Tim: Hello, guys! (Sorry if that doesn't sound very British; I am Texan, you know. )

*Kim jumps out of bed and backs against the wall*

Lleyton: *angry* How the hell did you get in here, Henman, and what the hell are you doing in my bed?!

Tim: *smiling persuasively* Well, I was hoping you'd get in, and we could do something together....

Kim: Lleyton, is there something you need to tell me?

Lleyton: *to Kim* No! *to Henman* Get the fuck out of room, right now!

*Lleyton kicks Henman in the gut and knocks him off the bed, onto the floor*

Tim: You don't have to be so bloody rude about it!

Lleyton: *yelling* Out!

*Tim stands up and heads to the door. He stops and looks around.

Tim: You know, Lleyton, we could've had something here--

Lleyton: *bellowing* OUT!!!!

*Tim runs out the door. Lleyton looks at Kim*

Lleyton: I am so sorry about that, baby, I don't what the bloody hell Henman was thinking.

Kim: *uncertain* Oh, it's all right. Life with you is certainly...interesting.

Lleyton: Yeah, I get that a lot. *Pats the bed beside him* Why don't you come over here and we can pick up where we left off?

Kim: Um,'s getting kind of late. My Dad'll be wondering why it's taking so long to restring my racket.

Lleyton: What? *Gets out of bed and heads toward Kim* Look, if it's about Henman, I'm really sorry, but it's not my fault--

Kim: No, it's not that, not exactly....

Lleyton: Then what, exactly?

Kim: I don't know. I guess we are moving kind of fast, though, don't you think? I mean, we've only known each other for a few hours.

Lleyton: Long enough for me to fall head over heels in love.

Kim: Me too, but--I'm just not ready. I'm sorry.

Lleyton: Don't be sorry. *hugs Kim* I completely understand. Henman did sort of ruin the mood.

Kim: *laughs* To put it mildly. *Looks at Lleyton* He's not the most.... attractive player on the tour, is he?

Lleyton: Not by a long shot. *wiggles eyebrows suggestively* That would be me!

Kim: Pfffff. *Pointedly looks at watch* It's after midnight, I need to get back to my hotel before my Dad and Carl start to worry. And I need to do some damage control about all the crap Elke's probably told them.

Lleyton: All right. *Walks her to the door* Can I see you tomorrow?

Kim: You'd better. *Looks at him suggestively* I may not be ready to restring my racket, but I think I'm up for a new pair of shoelaces. *Kisses him and leaves*

Lleyton: *Shellshocked* Whoa.


Kim: (Nervously)Erm Hi Lleyton...


Lleyton:Hey this is my best mate from Adelaide, Hayden Eckerman.

Kim:Hey Hayden

Hayden:Hi Kim

Hayden and Kim shake hands & look at each other, Lleyton looks a little put out.

Lleyton:Erm...guyz u can let go now

Kim & Hayden:Yeah,yeah sorry

Kim:Anyway Hayden, it was nice 2 meet u

Hayden:Yeah, likewise!

Kim:Ill see you around Lleyton


Lleyton looks diasppointed.......

Lleyton: You ok Kim?

Kim: *looking rather dazed* errmm?! Yeah... just..fin.......

Lleyton: Have I done something? Look if it's about the whole Henman thing... Im sooo sorry!!

Kim: Nah.. don't worry.. look Lleyton...

*Elke and Lei Clijsters come out the lift*


Lei Clijsters: ey ey ey!!! Now what is going on here then! I hear you have been giving my dearest Elke some grief!!

Lleyton: Sir I would never do that...

Elke: Liar, Daddy yesterday he was all mean and rude to me and then he tried to hit on Kim

Lei: WHAT??!?!?!?!

Lleyton: No sir thats not true!

Lei: Are you calling my daughter a liar?

Lleyton: Erm... no

Elke : yes he's calling me a liar

Lleyton: You little...

Kim : *is a bit annoyed by all the yelling* STOP IT!

Kim:STOP IT ALL OF YOU!!! Just stop

Lleyton,Elke & Lei all stop arguing

Kim:Look, Elke is just upset coz Lleyton turned her down.Lleyton is a really great guy despite the pony tail & the fact that he looks like a lazy ass beach bum.

Lleyton:Gee..thanx 4 the compliment Kim

Kim: Dad, I really like this guy & I want to be with him.

She kisses Lleyton


Lei: ok, I only want to see you happy. (Drgging elke away) C'mon Elke....asking boys out at your age you are grounded!

Elke:Awwww Dad.....

*Elke leaves with Leo , Elke giving Kim a few glares*

Kim: Sooooooooooo, errm?!! You wanna

Lleyton: How about I take you down say where we left off last night

Kim: errmm.. no.. how about we.. go to say somewhere easy and breezy?! Say the beach?

Lleyton: Yeah sure cuteness!

Kim: cool.. let me just get me bikini and sun block out! I'll be back in a jiffer!!!

Lleyton: Care for any help?

Kim: *shy look* hehe! EASY TIGER!!!

Lleyton: Oh you know u want my hot hands all over you!

Kim: shhh!! Lleyton!! My Mum might hear you *giggle* Nah.. I'll be ok.. u just wait here!!

*Kim goes up*

*While Lleyton is waiting he sees out the window non other then KIM with...who else but Hayden! In confusion and anger he runs out of the building to see where the two have gone but was too slow (for the first time) and missed the two*

Lleyton: Damn it where did they go? I saw them holding hands? What the?

*meanwhile Kim and Hayden*

Kim: Oh Hayden!

Hayden: Aww Kimmie hunnibear.. whats up?

Kim: grrr!! It's Lleyton..... he said he loves me and last night we went to his room and i just sooooooooo nearly shagged him!

Hayden: But you love me tho? right?

Kim: Of course I do! *snogs Hayden* Im going to have to tell Lleyton I have no feelings and that last night I didn't mean it!!

Hayden: Look, would it be better if I told him... he might be calmer and he might bash that flower you've got in your hair!

Kim: Lets both go! Tell him together! Anyway... I prefer my men with short hair and no beach bum qualities!

*Kim and Hayden join hands and walk towards Lleyton*

Lleyton: ahhh sweetness yer back.. I was thinking we could rent a beach hou........ *shocked and angry* HAYDEN U ****!!! GET OF MY CHICK M8!!!!

Hayden:Sorry m8, but Kimmy wants me not u

Lleyton:How could you do this 2 me u fucking prick,ever since we wer kids u always thought u were better than me

Hayden:That's because I am!

Lleyton hits Hayden & they both wrestle on the floor

Lleyton:She's my chick

Hayden:No she's mine


She pulls them both up by the ear.


Kim slaps Lleyton


Kim slaps Hayden

Kim you know what I'm nobody's "chick" & your both pathetic....

Kim storms off in anger........

Lleyton: Look what you did !

Hayden : Me you are the one who started fighting

Lleyton: whatever I'm going after her...

Hayden: O no your not she's mine, stay away from her!

Lleyton: Try and stop me! *LLeyton runs off after Kim*
*Runs after*

*Kim and Lleyton...and Hayden having breathing problems *

Lleyton and Kim*

Lleyton: C'mon Kim, tell me the truth here... look at the rift you caused between me and my best mate

Kim: Are you trying to put the blame on me

Lleyton: Well you are the one who was leading me on but sleeping, err..., dating

Kim: WHAT? Are you saying I'm some little slut?

*Kim slaps Lleyton and runs off*

*Lleyton runs after Kim and finally catches up with her...*

Lleyton: Kiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmiiiiieeee!! Waaaaaiiiiiiiitttttt!! IIIIIIIII dddiiiiiddddnnnn'''tttt mmmeeeeaaaannn toooooo callll yoooouuuu aaa sluuuuttt!!

Kim: *stops running, turns and walks towards Lleyton* Well what were you implying, potato head??!!

Lleyton: HEY! Buuuutt!! Kiiimmmiiee!! Look, I love you, I want to be with you. I mean... Hayden, pffft! He's married!

Kim: Cut the act, Llee.......

*Suddenly someone interups....*

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

I hope y'all don't mind me butting in

It's Marat Safin. Marat barges Lleyton out of the way.

Lleyton: What the fucK?!

Marat: Excuse me Lleyton, I have important question to ask Kim. Kim, you would like to sleep with big Marat no?

Lleyton: What! Now hang on mate...

Kim: Excuse me Marat, but what the hell…

*Marat puts his hands on Kim’s shoulders*

Marat: Listen, I am Marat Safin, no?

Kim: Erm yes..

Marat: And you blond uh?

Kim: Well actually some people say I’m more light blond, but then some say dark and some even say dirty blond

*Marat’s face lights up*
Marat: Ah, so you dirty blond eh

Lleyton: Right that's it

*Lleyton swings for Marat but Marat blocks his punch and simply holds Lleyton's head while Lleyton's arms aimlessly flail in the air*

Kim: Oh my god Marat. Look not all blondes are automatically going to fall into your arms ya know

*Marat stares at Kim in disbelief*

Marat: What, I cannot comprehend, what are you saying?

Kim: I said…

Marat: You crazy woman. I am Marat Safin. Nobody rejects big
Marat, humph you cannot be blond you must be brunette ai yai yai

*Marat drops takes his hand off Lleyton's head and Lleyton crashes to the floor. Marat storms off cursing in Russian*

Lleyton: What the hell is going on?!

Kim: It's not my fault I'm irresistable and everyone wants to sleep with me!

Kim leaves Lleyton on the floor and he continues to chase her....

And guess what..the page is cut off
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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and last but not 5

Posted by angele87:

Ok so here goes, the crazy store that Clare and I came up with Now please keep in mind that this is all a joke k?

Kim and Lleyton are out after magnificently both winning the Oz Open after beating Pred 2 6-0 6-0 and Henman 6-0 6-0 6-0

*at a fancy hotel restaurant in Melbourne*

*Kim, Lleyton, Elke, Jaslyn, Lei, Glynn, Els and Cherilyn are all gathered at a table, all of them having a bit too much to drink*

Kim : Can we have 6 Tequilla slammer
Lleyton : Whoa thats a bit much
*Kim whispers something in Lleytons ear*
Lleyton (smiling): And I'll have 6 as well mate

*a few hours later with Kim and Lleyton slightly tipsy and very giggly*

Kim: Lleyton *slaps Lleyton* we can't start making out in the hallway
Lleyton: Ah come on Kimsy, nobody is around
Kim: Lleyton, we're drunk *giggle* *trickles towards their room*
*Lleyton grabs Kim's arm and they both fall to the floor*
Kim: LLEYTON *slap* don't touch me like that in public

*Suddenly a maid appears in the hallway*

Maid: Kids, get up, get out of here *slaps Lleyton and Kim with her mop*

*Lleyton and Kim looking very sheepish burst into their hotel room*
Lleyton (in high pitched mimicking voice):Kids, get up, get out of here (falls onto bed laughing) Come here Kimmy
*Lleyton pulls Kim down on top of him not realising she is taking something out of her bag*

Kim : Aha, there you go
*handcuffing Lleyton to the bed*
Lleyton : what the, what are you doing? Your one crazy Shiela
Kim(laughing) : now whos in charge

*Lleyton and Kim start making out*

*After making out for 10 minutes, Kim gets off Lleyton, noticing that he is... excited*
Lleyton: Ah Kimsy *drool* You can't leave me like this
Kim: Don't worry sweetie, I'm just going to change into something more comfortable

*Kim walks into the bathroom and emerges wearing a black leather ensemble*

*While Lleyton is still sleeping ( and drooling ) Kim carefully takes off all his clothes except his boxers*

*Lleyton is startled and wakes up, only to get excited again*

Lleyton: Kimmie this is pure torture you know... you love me, don't do this to me
Kim: You're the one in handcuffs sweetie, you don't get a say in this
*Kim takes off most of her ensemble, leaving her in a bra and panties*
Lleyton: Kim I'm going to die if you don't stop.., you're going to kill me... this isn't do want us to be able to have kids in the futur don't you?

*Suddenly, the door swings open and in comes the whole Clijsters/Hewitt clan*

Lei : what on earth is going on here?
Kim : hi daddy we were erm
Lleyton : yeah we were erm
(Kim looks at Lleyton)
Kim (whispering) : well think of something
Lleyton : Yeah we were erm, practising our escapology
(Kim rolls her eyes)
Glynn : really? I used to love escapology (sitting down on bed) all those ropes and chains, mind if I gice you a hand?
Lleyton : Emmm sure
Kim : WHAT??
Els : I think Kim means that she really wanted to get Lleyton out of this one herself, sure you know how stubborn she is
(nervous laughter all round)
Kim : yeah thas me, stubborn
Lleyton : yep, very stubborn is my Shiela
Els : well we best leave them to it then
(Jaslyn and Elke stiffle a laugh as they all leave)
Lleyton : Whoa that was a close one
Kim : Escapology??
Lleyton : well I didnt see any bright ideas flying from your corner
Kim (laughing) : ok then, now where were we?

Posted by Lleyton's_Chick:

I did this one, It's crap but I was bored

Lleyton and Kim sitting in the players lounge at Melbourne Park chatting away…

Kim: And then Serena came up to me and told me that she was gonna be in a martial arts film!
Lleyton: Martial Arts? Bloody hell with those thunder thighs? I don't bloody thinks so mate

Andy Roddick arrives with girlfriend Mandy Moore in tow. Mandy and Andy sit opposite Lleyton and Kim and proceed to snuggle

Lleyton whispers to Kim

Lleyton: Oh great it’s dumb and dumber, Stupid and stupider, Thick and thicker, stupid and..
Kim: Yeah you already said that one Lleyt
Lleyton: Sorry babe
Andy: Aww I love you Mandy
Mandy: I love you more Andy
Andy: No I love you more than any of my Grand Slam titles
Lleyton: What the imaginary ones?
Mandy: I love you more than any of my tickle me Elmos

Lleyton and Kim look at each other

Kim: Ok, now I’m really freaked out, I mean even their names rhyme…
Andy: Kim, Lleyt...Mandy, and I were discussing this last night and we’ve decided that all our friends who of course include you…
Lleyton: Since when have we been friends
Mandy: OH MY GOD you’re so funny Lleyton (snorts) heeeyaaa(snorts) I guess that’s the famous Aussie humour hahhee (snort)
Andy: Doesn’t she have the cutest laugh like ever
Kim: Yeah it's….really..erm...something alright.
Andy: We want to invite you to our wedding!
Kim: What!
Lleyton: What!
Mandy: That’s right! We’re getting married like tomorrow and we wanna invite you coz you’re our bestest friends in the whole wide world like ever!

Kim stands up and flaps her arms about and shouts at Lleyton

Kim: Oh my God C'mon give me a damn break!! Even these two idiots who’ve known each other for 10 seconds and are getting married before us! What is wrong with this world!

Lleyton: Oh Kimmie

Kim stomps out of the players lounge and bumps into Jennifer Capriati on the way out

Jen: Erm hello, watch where you’re going I’m like blind here. Remember eye surgery-hello! Sheesh

Lleyton goes after Kim and Jen is bumped out of the way again

Jen: For the love of God! What is wrong with you people God MY f**king EYES!

Jen points to both eyes excessively and accidentally pokes them both in a fit of rage

Jen: Oh my f**king God, pussy f**k goddamit to hell. MATTHEW!

Mandy turns to Andy

Mandy: So are they like to the wedding coming or not?

Posted by Stefke:

Ok we're going back in time. Lley and Kimmy have a relationship for only 4 months and they aren't staying in the same room yet. They just had a practice session and they're running to Lley's room, both trying to be first!

Kim arrives first, a few seconds before Lley. Lley opens the door and they're go lie on the bed...

Lley: Are your parents expecting you soon?
Kim: No, I just called them and said that I had to practice late.
Lley: Damn, I was hoping you could stay here for a while!
Kim: Lley, my practice is already over, I just told them that so I can stay with you!!
Lley: Ooooh, that's great!!

(Glynn and Cherlyn arrive at Lley's room and Cherlyn listenes though the door)

Lley: Yeah sorry but I can't think yet! I'm still out of breath after that sprint!
Kim: Well, I guess I have to give you mouth-to-mouth then!!
(They start kissing)

Outside the door:
Cherlyn: OMG Glynn!!!Lley has problems to breath!!
Glynn: Then we better leave him alone!! Cmon,let's go back to our room! The crows are playing!
Cherlyn: Glynn!! How do you dare to say that! Your son can't breath anymore and you are thinking of the Crows!
Glynn: But what do we have to do then?
Cherlyn: In emergency-situations like this, you only need 1 thing!
Glynn: What's that???
Cherlyn: My sunglasses!! Go get them!

Posted by Peridotpixie:

Ok, here we go. Part one of an Aussie Open special. It's not terribly funny, but I think it's cute.

(Kim and Lleyton are strolling through Melbourne Park)
Lleyton: What are you smiling about?
Kim: Oh, I was just thinking that this is where we first met.
Lleyton: Oh, right. The best day of my life.
Kim (smiling wider) : When I came up and asked you for an autograph for Elke.
Lleyton (At the same time) :When my mate Nathan introduced us.
Kim: What??
Lleyton: Ermm…nothing?
Kim: Lleyton, that’s not how we met.
Lleyton: Yes, it is.
Kim: Lleyton, what’s wrong with you? You know very well that we met when I asked you for an autograph for my sister.
Lleyton: No, I’m pretty sure that was after Nathan introduced us. And you asked me to play mixed doubles.
Kim: I asked you to play mixed doubles after I already knew you! I don’t randomly go around asking random men to play tennis with me!
Lleyton: You just used the word random twice.
Kim: Lleyton!
Lleyton: Hey, it’s not my fault that you don’t remember.
Kim: I am so mad at you!
Lleyton: But I didn’t DO anything!
Mary Jo: Kim, hi! Let’s have lunch! Not because I’m a commentator and need to collect material for ESPN, but because we’re buds!
Kim: Well…uh…I don’t know, Mary Jo, the last time I ate a meal with you I lost.
Mary Jo: Well, that clearly wasn’t MY fault. Just because I said you could never win, would never win, and had no chance to win.
Kim: You’re right, it was probably Lleyton’s fault.
Lleyton: I didn’t DO anything!
Kim: But I don’t think so, Mary Jo. I’m just very superstitious.
Mary Jo: I have kids!
Kim: Let’s go!
(They walk off)
Lleyton: Great. Just bloody fantastic.
Jarrod: Hey, mate.
Lleyton: Oh, hi…. (looks down at hand where he has latest companion’s name written) Jarrod.
Jarrod: I’m here to serve you, my lord.
Lleyton: Yeah, you don’t have to call me that.
Jarrod: Oh, ok.
Lleyton: I don’t actually need you for anything right now. I’ll need you for my matches, so that I can pump my fist at you, and for Kim’s matches, so that you can keep me from strangling somebody when she slams the ball halfway to Aruba instead of putting it in the court.
Jarrod: Cool.
(He leaves)
Mary Carillo: Oh, Lleyton, good. Come with me, please.
(She leads him up to the commentators booth)
Mary: We wanted you to spend some time with the team, so that maybe you can decide to join it!
Lleyton: Errr…but I’m still playing.
Mary: Doesn’t matter. We have new technology so that you can commentate your own matches from the court! Then you interview yourself afterwards!
Lleyton: Um…nifty?
Pat McEnroe: Hi, I’m Pat. You know me. I’m the United States Davis Cup Captain.
Jim Courier: I’m Jimbo. You know me, too. I’m United States Davis Cup Coach.
Pat: As you can see, the perspective we provide is in no way biased.
Lleyton: Wait, is anyone here NOT American?
(They all look around)
Mary: Oh! Oh! Cliff!
Cliff: Wait, I’m not American?
Pam: I’m American.
Mary: Me too.
Malivai Washington: I’m American. I’m also completely useless, but that’s besides the point.
Lleyton: So what do you guys do up here, anyway?
Mary: Well, right now we’re running a pool on who’s going to win the French. I have twenty on Serena.
Cliff: Fifteen on Serena.
Pam: Twenty-five on Serena.
Jim: Twenty-three on Serena.
Pat: Twenty on Venus.
(Everyone looks at him)
Pat: What can I say, I’m glutton for punishment.
Lleyton: Well, you can put me down for thirty on my Kimmy.
(Everyone laughs hysterically)
Jim: Good one, Lleyton!
Lleyton: What the bloody hell is wrong with you people? I’m serious!
(Silence, everyone turns and looks at Lleyton with faces of concern)
Pat: He’s…actually serious.
Mary: Okay, Lleyton. It’s okay.
Lleyton: Oh, for heaven’s sake. Fine. Who do you guys think will win on the men’s side?
Cliff: Agassi, of course.
Mary (in agreement): Mmm, yes.
Pam: Absolutely.
Pat: Andy Roddick.
Jim: James Blake. Or possibly Andy Roddick.
Lleyton: And you think I’M delusional.
Mary: Agassi has the best return in the game.
Pam: Agassi has the best forehand in the game.
Cliff: Agassi has the best head of hair in the game.
Mary: And as for the women, it has to be Serena. She’ll be seeded first, and Venus second, and Jennifer third, and then…that other girl. Oh gosh, I am having such a brain freeze! What’s her name?
Pam: Um…Monica?
Mary: No, no, that’s not it.
Pam: Lindsay?
Mary: No, I don’t think so.
Pam: Alexandra?
Mary: No…
Pam: Chanda?
Mary: Hmm…maybe--no. No, I don’t think so.
Jim: Well, don’t bother asking me. You know how I feel about women.
Pam: Meghann?
Mary: No, that’s not it.
Pam: Bea Bialik?
Mary: Nope.
Pam: Corina?
Lleyton (No longer able to contain himself): Kim! Kim! You bloody morons!
Pam: What?
Mary: Ohhh, riiiiiiight. Kim Cleesters.
Lleyton picks up a microphone and tries to hit Mary with it
Cliff: Whoa, whoa, that’s no way to behave!
Jim: It must be because he’s Australian.
Cliff: He has no respect for the women’s game.
Jim: Wait, women play tennis too?
(Everyone groans)
Mary: Okay, whose turn is it to explain it to him?

Mary Jo: So, Kim how are you?
Kim: Oh, I’m good Mary Jo, how about you?
Mary Jo: So you would say that you’re in fine physical condition and yet still can’t reach the level of the Williams sisters.
Kim: I--I didn’t think that’s what I said…
Mary Jo: Ah, so you are also struggling with more mental issues.
Kim: I don’t have mental issues!
Mary Jo: And you find yourself in denial about these obstacles.
Kim: You’re making this up!
Mary Jo: In fact, the domination of the Williams sisters has caused you to become completely delusional.
Kim: Mary Jo, how’s your husband?
Mary Jo: So you’ve become so depressed by your weaknesses that you can’t even talk about them anymore. Absolutely tragic.
Kim: Mary Jo, no one wants to talk about the Williams sisters all the time.
Mary Jo: So you recognize the distance between the Williams sisters and the rest of the field.
Kim: Stop it! Stop! I don’t want to talk about Serena!
Mary Jo: So you accept that you do not have the game to challenge her.
Kim (now very annoyed): At least I beat her once! You wouldn’t last four games against her!
Mary Jo: So you’ve decided to retire in dismay.
Kim: Ughhhhhhhhh! (She gets up, walks away, then turns and comes back) By the way, I think Serena is a terrific competitor and a wonderful player and we get along swimmingly and I wouldn’t change anything about my own game. (Kim leaves)
Mary Jo: Ah, so she is tired of losing to the Williams sisters and is going to take them out with an uzi. (scribbles on her napkin)

(Elsewhere, Lleyton is taking a walk with Malivai Washington)
Lleyton: So what do you do, exactly?
Malivai: I watch courtside.
Lleyton: Why?
Malivai: Because they can only fit three people in the commentator booth.
Lleyton: And Mary, Pam, and Cliff get first priority, huh?
Malivai: Well, yeah. And Mary Jo. And Pat McEnroe. And Jim Courier. And John McEnroe. And, uh, Chris Fowler.
Lleyton: Wait, John McEnroe doesn’t even work for ESPN!
Malivai: Yeah, but they keep a chair for him anyway. No one’s allowed to sit in it or they’ll anger the spirits of the John Chair. That’s what they told me, yeah.
Lleyton: So you sit courtside.
Malivai: Yeah, and then when they run out of things to say, they go to me and I make a stunning revelation.
Lleyton: Like?
Malivai: Well, take the match Safin’s girlfriend played against Venus--
Lleyton: Wait, you mean Marat’s sister?
Malivai: No, no, his girlfriend. You know, blonde, curly hair, solid legs, accent…uh, spells her name with unnecessary letters…
Lleyton: Wait, that’s MY girlfriend.
Malivai: Wait, really? I thought your girlfriend was that woman with the sunglasses.
Lleyton: That’s my MOTHER.
Malivai: Oh! Whose girlfriend is she?
Lleyton: My FATHER’S?
Malivai: Oh, right. Okay, anyway, when your Austrian girlfriend played Venus--
Lleyton: Belgian.
Malivai: Huh?
Lleyton: She’s Belgian.
Malivai: Is that, like, tennis slang?
Lleyton: Never mind. And she played Serena.
Malivai: Right, right, I knew that. Anyway, I remarked that they were hitting the ball really hard.
Lleyton: That’s it?
Malivai: Well, then I noticed that Serena had hit the ball out three times, so I remarked that the inning should be over.
Lleyton: I, uh, think that’s the wrong sport, mate.
Malivai: And I made an interesting comment about Kim’s father in the crowd.
Lleyton: You mean her mother?
Malivai: No.
Lleyton: Her father wasn’t there…
Malivai: Yes, he was, he was sitting there in shorts and sunglasses and--oh my God!
Lleyton: What? What?
Malivai: It’s you!
Lleyton: What’s me??
Malivai: You’re Kim’s father!
(Lleyton is speechless for a moment, then turns and walks away)

Sorry folks that's all I got
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 05:39 PM
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Thanks for retrieving all of this! You're an ace!

Think quite a number of LLL'ers will be very pleased now!
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 05:57 PM
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Aww thank you so much
I thought we lost all of them!!
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 06:44 PM
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Thank you Ileana

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. - Ambrose Bierce

There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future. - Shri Haidakhan Babaji

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it. - Doug Larson

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. - Aristotle
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 08:30 PM
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Lleyton - Broccoli-boy
Kim - The future number one(no jinxing!)
Nadal - making a rafalution

J'aime la Suede.
I Love Sweden
Svensker Elsker

Still a Lleyki
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 1st, 2003, 08:34 PM
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btw: ROTFLMFAO *10!!

Lleyton - Broccoli-boy
Kim - The future number one(no jinxing!)
Nadal - making a rafalution

J'aime la Suede.
I Love Sweden
Svensker Elsker

Still a Lleyki
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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 2nd, 2003, 06:21 AM
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 2nd, 2003, 07:02 AM
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Thanks Ileana. I love it to read this again


Marco Chiudinelli
Roger Federer

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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 2nd, 2003, 11:40 AM
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Come on Kim!!!!!!!!
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 2nd, 2003, 12:23 PM
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thanks for finding those back

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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old Apr 2nd, 2003, 04:44 PM
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Your're an
I love the thread so much...
Thank you!!!

I'm very proud to be a LLEYKI!!!
Come on Lleyton and Kim !!!
"I believe Kim every day makes me be a better tennisplayer and human being.I can't really explain how she influences me,but I feel that she does."(Lleyton)

"I dream of a happy life with Lleyton,not of tennis or money!"(Kim)
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