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post #1 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 22nd, 2004, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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jokes

This board is getting SOOOOOOO slow, I thought I'd try and pep it up with a little jokes thread. Here is the joke for today:

The Pope

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"



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post #2 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 22nd, 2004, 07:24 PM
 
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Great one Fiona, I could really use this after today
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post #3 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 22nd, 2004, 10:30 PM
 
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Captions and now this?! How many more talents do you have?
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post #4 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 22nd, 2004, 10:58 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ace4lleykim
Captions and now this?! How many more talents do you have?
I didnt make it up myself Becky, a friend emailed it to me today! So the only "talent" I've displayed here is plagiarism!! [img]http://smileys.******************/cat/4/4_6_5.gif[/img]

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post #5 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 23rd, 2004, 03:35 AM
 
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Hey that still talent, Fi or rather generosity that you share with us.
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post #6 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 23rd, 2004, 05:19 AM
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good one!!



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post #7 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 23rd, 2004, 08:25 AM
 
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This is one I got in an email which I love so I thought I'd share


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.


The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know.

Just got checked in.

Some confusion at the gate.

Appeal was denied.

Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

** P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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post #8 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 23rd, 2004, 04:45 PM
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COME ON KIM!

Thanks for everything Kim!!!

(`*•.¸(`*•.¸ ¸.•*´¸.•*´)

*•.¸«´`•.*KiM*.•´`»´`•.*

(¸.•*´(¸.•*´ `*•.¸)`*•.¸)

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post #9 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 23rd, 2004, 06:12 PM
 
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I got it in my mailbox too the other day. Funny to see it travel half the world in just a few days
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post #10 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 23rd, 2004, 10:29 PM
 
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Thanks Jess. Where did you guys get these jokes? Spam?
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post #11 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 24th, 2004, 07:11 AM
 
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My friend emailed it to me...I've actually had it for a while, just kept it in my inbox coz I loved it. I think I have a couple more saved so I'll have to have a look
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post #12 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 24th, 2004, 07:45 AM
 
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Little April was not the best student in sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me april who created the universe?" When april didn't stir, Little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and april fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "who is our Lord and saviour". But, april didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted April and the teacher said "Very Good", and April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked april a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their 23rd child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted "If you stick that fucking thing in me one more time. I'll break it in half and stick it up your arse. The teacher fainted.
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post #13 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 24th, 2004, 07:52 AM
 
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These are for all the girls here


Women's Thoughts...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor or Mick Booker.

_______________________


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

(Gotta love that fairy!)
__________________


A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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post #14 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 24th, 2004, 08:26 AM
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Love the fairy too
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post #15 of 491 (permalink) Old Nov 24th, 2004, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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April!!

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