[SV_Fan]

Hello, I am in the early stages of writing my second essay for class. I only have the opening paragraph done, and I don't know where I should take the rest of the essay please, give me ideas, I greatly appreciate it.

More Money, More Problems

In the words of Billie Holiday, “when you got money, you got lots of friends crowded around your door, but when that money’s all gone and all of the spending ends, they don’t come around anymore.” There was a time where people mocked the clichés, “money talks “and “money makes the world go ‘round.” Since the creation of currency, but more so in the past century alone; the power of the almighty dollar has become a global phenomenon. In the news constantly are stories of people lying, cheating, stealing, dying, killing and even selling themselves for wealth. In short, people will do anything for money.

[Матвей.]

Is that the first paragraph?

[SV_Fan]

Originally Posted by Матвей.

Is that the first paragraph?

Yes that is my opening paragraph.

[Светльо]

Are you in High School? How old are you?

Well, as in every essay your first paragraph serves as an introduction to the topic and you have to state your main thesis in there. To be honest, I kinda cannot distinguish the main point that you are making. I guess it is the following ''people will do anything for money''. Personally, I think it is not exactly off-topic but rather not on point neither. There are some nice sentences in that paragraph its just that its coherence is slightly off; I mean, the order of the sentences can be altered a bit in order for the paragraph to sound more 'flowing'.

I would have chosen a route exploring the tie between money and power; in addition, the abuse of that power. Here you can critically analyse huge corporations and their influence on politics and the way they influence certain decisions.
It may seem trivial, however, writing about celebrities would be both easy & relevant. How fame & money intertwine and how they affect people in a bad way e.g. drugs, thinking that they are above everything. There are tons of examples of such people you can cite while making that point.
Maybe come up with a speculative situation about someone winning the lottery and discussing the potential setbacks that it may bring e.g. about their personal security, people asking them for money, psychological stress, etc.

[The Dawntreader]

The tone is a bit too conversational, and a tad speculative. You need to be much more concise. In an opening introductory paragraph, illuminate themes but don't try and expand on them- that's what the rest of the essay is for. It's an overview, no more and no less.

Plus there's some cliches that could be removed too. Just my opinion.

[moby]

You should make an outline of the points you want to make in your essay before writing your introduction.

You shouldn't be in a position of not knowing where to take your essay after writing the introduction.
If you really have nothing to say, see if you can write on a different topic.

Some other comments:
- Use quotations to illustrate a point, not as filler. Don't leave them hanging. I don't see how the Billie Holliday quote is relevant unless you link it back to the topic.
- Your intro tells me that money is very important and that if it's causing problems, then that's because there is a lack. How is that "more money, more problems"?
- Svetlio makes good points about how you can tackle the topic. I would want to add that usually nuance is appreciated. Perhaps you can end off with how money isn't the real problem, but that attitudes are.

[shap_half]

I don't know where the rest of this essay is going to go. How exactly are you going to prove that not having money is a good thing. This whole thing about wealth inequality is all over the web, and people are killing and doing other bad stuff to get money, but that's because they don't have any. So it's really no money, mo problems.

[Cajka]

I'm sorry, but that paragraph is kinda off topic and all over the place.

You must focus on specific cases and specific problems. I wouldn't suggest you to write about how power corrupts ppl in general, that's off topic and it's a cliche. Svetlio gave you a good idea, writing about ppl who won a lottery is really a great example. What do you do when you get rich over night? It solves many problems, but you get new ones, no?

Then... In the first sentence you have a quote about money and friendships, that's something that should be expanded, you can tell that money affects relationships, but that quote you have there is a huge generalization, you can't just write how ppl are greedy or how friendships are fake and just leave it like that.

You need to start again, I'm afraid. With this paragraph you're stuck.

[Lin Lin]

[Nicolás89]

I think imho that the paragraph would be best suited as a part of the conclusion of your essay.

[Vartan]

I hope your teacher does not use turnitin for your sake

[Vartan]

You should less quotes in your opening paragraph and develop your ideas more. You jump from place to place without giving much thought to the points you have attempted to make. I agree with what Sveta said. Your introduction thus far is pretty far from "more money, more trouble theme." You should maybe look into lottery winners who end up losing what they have won and more or celebrities who made a splash and then disappeared due to substance abuse.

[Cajka]

Originally Posted by Vartan

You should less quotes in your opening paragraph and develop your ideas more. You jump from place to place without giving much thought to the points you have attempted to make. I agree with what Sveta said. Your introduction thus far is pretty far from "more money, more trouble theme." You should maybe look into lottery winners who end up losing what they have won and more or celebrities who made a splash and then disappeared due to substance abuse.

I agree, except for the part about celebrities. It's more complicated in their case, it's not only money, there's also fame. And they're not all dealing with that properly. Paparazzi, crazy fans, headlines... It's very stressful, especially if you're fragile.

[FakeMashabator]

Judging from your Billie Holiday's quote, your direction should be heading towards how money attracts accompaniment, power, attention superficially. Your introduction should have a specific issue that you want to address, not a hodgepodge of all the ideas that you squeezed in here.

I am guessing your point is that money can be a bad influence to people (according to the last sentence). If that's the case, it's slightly different from the theme the Billie Holiday quote is implying. You can even connect these two contexts, saying how the illusion of money can influence people in an unfavorable manner and make it your topic

So many examples to choose (like Svetlio mentioned). Good luck

Originally Posted by Vartan

I hope your teacher does not use turnitin for your sake

[Vartan]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael...tery_winner%29

This was on the front page of reddit.