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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 05:42 AM   #76
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by claypova View Post
the 'one hundred people going the wrong way are actually going the right way, meaning the blonde is that 'idiot woman driving the wrong way on the M25'
Oohh...
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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 07:23 AM   #77
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ranfurly View Post
Anne Frank had it rough, Firstly she got her diary read by millions over the world, which is every girls worse nightmare, secondly she got no money for it, which is every jews worse nightmare
This is anti-Semitic garbage
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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 09:56 AM   #78
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Viktorious View Post
I still don't get this.
You must be a blonde too, aren't you?

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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 10:28 AM   #79
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToopsTame View Post
This is anti-Semitic garbage
It's not all bad ToopsTame, look on the brightside, she didn't have to pay rent for nearly 2 years
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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 11:51 AM   #80
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Re: Jokes?

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

------------------------------------------------------------


My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

------------------------------------------------------------


So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...

------------------------------------------------------------


Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 12:21 PM   #81
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Momotaro View Post
You must be a blonde too, aren't you?
I'm not. I'm kinda slow at some things but that doesn't make me a blonde. So let's say if a nerdy/smart brunette dyed her hair blonde then she automatically is dumb?
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Old Nov 4th, 2011, 12:48 AM   #82
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Viktorious View Post
I'm not. I'm kinda slow at some things but that doesn't make me a blonde. So let's say if a nerdy/smart brunette dyed her hair blonde then she automatically is dumb?


Yes, it means you are automatically dumb, just like when a blonde colours her hair brown, she can now understand string theory and apply infernential equations to every day life while discussing the ethics of Imanuel Kant over a luncheon of Fava Beans and a fine chianti. fap fap fap fap
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Old Nov 4th, 2011, 04:47 PM   #83
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Re: Jokes?

My 10 year old neice told me this joke the other day

What's green and invisible?

*Holds out empty hand* This watermelon

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Old Nov 11th, 2011, 01:03 AM   #84
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Re: Jokes?

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly. So lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground," said the attendant.

The woman calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you...TRAY UP, BITCH!"

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Old Nov 11th, 2011, 01:50 AM   #85
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Re: Jokes?

Your mama is like a shotgun, one cock and she blows."
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Old Nov 11th, 2011, 01:51 AM   #86
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Re: Jokes?

yo mama so stupid she went to the dentist to get blue-tooth
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Old Nov 23rd, 2011, 07:12 PM   #87
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Re: Jokes?

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened,
their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and
they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll
pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be
the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
...
Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts
on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him.
He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad,
he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around,
beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic
attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety
netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts
screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his
paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
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Old Nov 23rd, 2011, 07:22 PM   #88
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Re: Jokes?

Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
...
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
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Old Nov 23rd, 2011, 07:23 PM   #89
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Re: Jokes?

Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctors waiting room I saw a little girl playing with her Ken and Barbie dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her "you'll end up with baby dolls if you're not careful"
She replied"I don't think so dickhead he's doing her up the arse"
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Old Dec 2nd, 2011, 04:44 AM   #90
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Re: Jokes?

Does anyone understand the answer to this lawyer joke?

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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