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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 09:25 AM   #46
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Re: Jokes?

Thank god I understand these kind of jokes.
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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 09:27 AM   #47
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tennislover23 View Post
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom."
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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 09:34 AM   #48
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5ean View Post
I guess to non-brits essex girl jokes don't make sense.

Think mix chav with tati and you get an idea


So funny

more essex jokes please
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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 09:45 AM   #49
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Re: Jokes?

:rofl:
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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 02:05 PM   #50
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tennislover23 View Post
A blond was sitting at her table doing a puzzle. she was getting really frustrated and yells at her boyfriend to come over and help her. she says "it's supposed to look like a tiger, but none of the pieces seem to fit together at all!" so he comes over to take a look. he says" calm down honey, let's clean up these frosted flakes, and go buy you a real puzzle."


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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 02:13 PM   #51
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Re: Jokes?

A girl is falling asleep in her R:E lesson at school so her teacher decides to catch her out and embarras her infront of the class, so she asks her a question:

"Amy, who invented the Earth?"

Realising his friends predicament the boy next to her trys to wake her up by poking her with his pencil. With a jump she she sits up and screams,

"God Almighty"

"Thats right" the teacher replies.

A little while later Amy starts to fall asleep again so the teacher once again tries to catch her out with a question.

"Amy, what was the name of the lords sun?"

Again, the boy next to her pokes her with his pencil.

"Jesus christ" Amy shouts.

"thats right" the teacher replies, now starting to get annoyed.

Once more, Amy falls asleep so the teacher trys once more.

"Amy, what did eve say to adam after they had there 21st child"

'For fuck sake, if you poke me with that once more im going to snap it and stick it up your ass.
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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 02:20 PM   #52
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5ean View Post
A girl is falling asleep in her R:E lesson at school so her teacher decides to catch her out and embarras her infront of the class, so she asks her a question:

"Amy, who invented the Earth?"

Realising his friends predicament the boy next to her trys to wake her up by poking her with his pencil. With a jump she she sits up and screams,

"God Almighty"

"Thats right" the teacher replies.

A little while later Amy starts to fall asleep again so the teacher once again tries to catch her out with a question.

"Amy, what was the name of the lords sun?"

Again, the boy next to her pokes her with his pencil.

"Jesus christ" Amy shouts.

"thats right" the teacher replies, now starting to get annoyed.

Once more, Amy falls asleep so the teacher trys once more.

"Amy, what did eve say to adam after they had there 21st child"

'For fuck sake, if you poke me with that once more im going to snap it and stick it up your ass.
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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 02:21 PM   #53
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Re: Jokes?

a man went to his local zoo, and he was dissapointed to find a single dog there.
its was a shihtzu.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A nun is in the bath when she heard a knock at the door. Slightly unsure, she asks: 'Who is it?'

'A blind man' comes the answer.

Now the nun faces a bit of a dilema, as a nun she should really help the man. 'Well as he's blind he can't see me anyway'

So she gets out of the bath goes down stairs and opens the door, saying: 'What can I do for you sir?'

The man pauses, blinks and says: 'Nice tits babe! Now where do you want the blinds?'
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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 02:33 PM   #54
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Re: Jokes?



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Old Dec 27th, 2008, 02:36 PM   #55
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Re: Jokes?



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Old Nov 1st, 2011, 07:38 PM   #56
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Re: Jokes?

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.


"I don't wake up until nine."
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Old Nov 1st, 2011, 07:42 PM   #57
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Re: Jokes?

This is so bad, but so good

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A Litre of 2% milk,A carton of eggs,A Litre of orange juice,A head of lettuce,A can of coffee,And one pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "
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Old Nov 1st, 2011, 07:51 PM   #58
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Re: Jokes?

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....' Well, I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"
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Old Nov 1st, 2011, 07:51 PM   #59
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Re: Jokes?

2 jokes from my country:


Apparently, there was a Romanian on the Titanic.
After the collision, the guy takes a lifeboat and starts rowing desperately to save himself.
Someone says:

-Hey where are you leaving us alone like that?! Look, there are still women left over here!

To which the Romanian guy replies:

-Leave me alone, man. Do I look like I wanna f*ck right now?




An old man goes into a pharmacy and asks the girl behind the counter:
"Excuse me miss, do you have those blue pills that make you feel good?"
"Sure grandpa, they're called Viagra"
"Aha... well, how much does one cost?"
"That'll be 35,000 lei, grandpa." [Approx. $1]
"Hmm... well, but how long does it last?"
"Well, about 4 hours."
"What?? And it costs 35,000 lei?"
"Yes, I told you."
"Well miss, sorry, but I'm not paying 35,000 for those extra 15 minutes."


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Old Nov 1st, 2011, 08:03 PM   #60
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Re: Jokes?

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

~\*/~


Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son and anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you came from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as Lucky Johnny. "Why" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."


~\*/~



Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"


Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."


Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."


By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
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