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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 08:39 AM   #16
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Re: Jokes?

Thanks Wiggly

What's your name
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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 08:52 AM   #17
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Re: Jokes?

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it." God said, "No, I am sending you back. You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair color before she was released from the hospital. She figured that, since she had such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it. She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed.

Arriving in front of God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had another forty years left to live. What happened?"

God replied, "I didn`t recognize you."
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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 08:53 AM   #18
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Re: Jokes?



Little Johnny
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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 08:54 AM   #19
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Re: Jokes?

When was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, `You`re next.`

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 08:56 AM   #20
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Re: Jokes?

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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 09:00 AM   #21
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Re: Jokes?

A professor was warning his students against the hazards of kissing. "You should know when a boy kisses a girl transfers 40,000 germs from his mouth to that of his girl friend. What can you do about that?"

Pat came the reply from a girl, "You should give him back all his germs the same way"
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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 09:02 AM   #22
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Re: Jokes?

YOU have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don t know where she is.


I ASK people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.


NOW they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you`ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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Old Dec 16th, 2008, 11:24 AM   #23
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Re: Jokes?

Yo mama's so hairy when you were born you nearly died of rug burn lol
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Old Dec 18th, 2008, 07:05 AM   #24
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tennisboi View Post
Yo mama's so hairy when you were born you nearly died of rug burn lol
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Old Dec 18th, 2008, 07:06 AM   #25
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Re: Jokes?

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom."
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Old Dec 18th, 2008, 07:16 AM   #26
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Re: Jokes?

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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Old Dec 18th, 2008, 07:19 AM   #27
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Re: Jokes?

A women says to her husband that for her birthday there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds or else she would leave him.
The next day she woke up and saw a small box in her driveway. She was curious so she opened it and inside was a scale.

Needless to say her husband was long gone
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Old Dec 18th, 2008, 08:06 AM   #28
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tennislover23 View Post
One day at a school, a boy comes in late and the teacher asks him why he is late. He replies, I was on top of cherry hill.So then about five minutes later, another boy shows up late, the teacher asks him why and he says he was on top of cherry hill. Finally about 10 minutes later, a girl comes in and the teacher asks her who are you? She replies, I'm cherry hill!
I remember hearing this one at a camp I went to.
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Old Dec 20th, 2008, 02:09 AM   #29
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Re: Jokes?

3 nuns die in a car crash and go up to heaven. However before they can enter the gates of heaven St Peter says they have to answer a question to prove their faith.

The 1st nun steps forward and St Peter says: 'What was the name of the 1st man?'
She replies: 'Oh that's easy, Adam' and St. peter waves her in

The 2nd nun steps forward and st peter asks. 'What was the name of the garden God made them to live in?'
The nun laughs and says. 'Eden of course' and she goes through the pearly gates

The 3rd woman steps forward and St. Peter says: 'As you're the Mother Superior your question has to be a bit more difficult I'm afraid: 'What did Eve say when she 1st saw Adam?'
The Mother Superor thinks for a minute. 'Oh that's a hard one' she says

And St. peter says: 'Yep that's right' and lets her enter heaven


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A blond lady wanted to make some extra money so she decided to do some oddjobs. She went into a rich neighbourhood and knocked on a door.

When a man answered she asked: 'Are there any jobs you need doing?'

He replied: 'Sure you can paint my porch for me' went inside for a moment and handed her some paint.

The man went back in where his wife said: 'She does know the porch goes who whole way round the house doesn't she?'

The msn shrugged: 'I assume so as she was standing on it when she knocked on the door.'

Not too long later the blonde knocked on the door again and said: 'I'm done, but I have loads of spare paint left and by the way it's not a porsche it's a ferrari.'
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Old Dec 20th, 2008, 02:21 AM   #30
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tennislover23 View Post
One day at a school, a boy comes in late and the teacher asks him why he is late. He replies, I was on top of cherry hill.So then about five minutes later, another boy shows up late, the teacher asks him why and he says he was on top of cherry hill. Finally about 10 minutes later, a girl comes in and the teacher asks her who are you? She replies, I'm cherry hill!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tennislover23 View Post
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tennislover23 View Post
A teenager goes to the pharmacy and askes about safe sex since he is going to have sex with his girlfriend for the first time. The pharmacist recommended him a few brands of condoms and gave him some advice. Later that evening, the teenager goes to his girlfriend's house for dinner and meets her parents. Once they say down at the dinner table, the girls mother asked him to say grace. The boy put his head down and lifted it up. The girlfriend says "You never told me you were religious." and then the boyfriend replies "Well, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tennislover23 View Post
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom."
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