[cynicole]

A little bit for everyone.


"Nothing Is Sacred, For Sure"

(KIM enters the lounge. MARTINA is preparing some rice. JUSTINE is sitting at a computer. There is a locker room adjoining the lounge.)

KIM: Has Lleyton been here looking for me?

MARTINA: No.

KIM: Oh, okay. (sits down at table and takes out a stationary kit)

(Enter LINDSAY and MONICA. MONICA is holding the door open for LINDSAY, who is on crutches.)

MARTINA: Hi Lindsay. Hi Monica. Would you like some water?

LINDSAY: That would be good.

MONICA: Yes, please.

(MARTINA scampers to the refrigerator...but has trouble opening the door.)

MARTINA: It's stuck!

MONICA: I'll get it. *double-grunt*

JENN: (coming in from the locker room) ARRRRRGH! What the -?Keep the goddam f*cking decimals down, I'm trying to concentrate!

KIM: Whatareyouconcentratingon?

JENN: Kim, I can't, like, understand French. Speak in English this time?

KIM: IamspeakinginEnglish.

JUSTINE: I’m the Walloon. I speak the French.

JENN: I thought you were Belgian.

JUSTINE: Wallonia is a part of Belgium.

JENN: Like how America is part of the United States?

LINDSAY: (incredulously) What?

JUSTINE: I’m confused, for sure.

MARTINA: Jenn has a hard enough time with English herself. Kim, slow down. Justine...well, I don't know what you can do.

JENN: Which color I should wear? Blue or pink?

JUSTINE: White, for sure.

(Door Opens. Enter VENUS and SERENA with pushcarts and a huge trunk.)

KIM: Been shopping again?

SERENA: And there's still a few things I want to get on the Internet.

VENUS: What are you doing, Kim?

KIM: I'm writing "Thank You" cards to tournament directors.

SERENA: "Thank You" cards?

JENN: Yeah, I should've figured that you, like, would not, you know, know what "Thank You, like, means.

SERENA: Stop talking CRAP-riati. I know what "Thank You" means. Like last year, I said "Thank You" to Venus after she pulled out of Indian-

VENUS: Shhhh

(a cell phone rings)

JENN: Arrrrrrrrrgh! What the f*ck, a baby next? Who? (stares around wildly)

KIM: (takes out the cell phone) Sorry. Maybe it's Lleyton. (flicks it on) Hello? Oh, okay, I'll be right there.

MONICA: Who was it?

KIM: Jelena. She needs help with her papa. See you later!

EVERYONE: Bye, Kim!

(KIM exits. VENUS and SERENA head over to the computers where JUSTINE is sitting)

SERENA: Oh My Goodness, girl, your hair is just wrong! I'd rate it a 3.5 out of potential 10 points!

JUSTINE: No, I just wear cap. Will look more best.

SERENA: No, no more caps! I'm more blonde than you are. I have some bleach. I'll help you.

JUSTINE: You mean like how Venus loses second sets to me on purpose?

SERENA: Yes, like that.

VENUS: I would help you now but I have tendonitis.

JENN: When don't you have tendonitis?

(SERENA and JUSTINE go into the locker room. ANNA and AMELIE enter.)

ANNA: It took me forever to get here. Everyone wants my autograph...and pictures!

AMELIE: It took me long to get here because Navratilova and Billie Jean were standing by the door.

MARTINA: (to Anna) How was your photo shoot?

ANNA: I have lots of photo shoots wherever I go. I’m so used to them.

MARTINA: That's because you always have the time because you lose in singles.

ANNA: They always put lots of pictures of me in magazines...and write a lot of articles too.

MARTINA: Yeah, articles about how you can't win a tournament.

SERENA: Why do you even bother playing?

LINDSAY: I would do almost anything to play again...even if I had to play like Anna.

ANNA: Hey! I’ve beaten Jenn several times.

SERENA: We all have. It’s not hard. Ask Venus.

(MARTINA shrinks away with her bowl of rice.)

JENN: I'm no wuss. I am not piss easy to beat! You know, I, like, won three of the f*cking five last slams!

LINDSAY: There's a dollar on the floor over there. I'd get it, but I can't bend.

ANNA: One dollar? Pff. I have a lot of money.

MARTINA: Because of me.

ANNA: Because I am the star and beautiful and sexy.

MONICA: It's MINE! (grabs the dollar. clasps it.) MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

LINDSAY: There's a quarter over there.

(MONICA runs after it.)

MARTINA: I'm glad she doesn't run that fast on the court...or else she would beat me.

(SERENA and JUSTINE re-enter from the locker room.)

VENUS: There's still something not quite right.

ANNA: She doesn't look enough like me.

SERENA: Justine, you need some color. (Digs through her bags) Here's some fluorescent yellow tennis shoes!

VENUS: Here's the top I wore in Melbourne last year.

JUSTINE: What this for?

VENUS: That's right, you don't have any-

MARTINA: Sleeves! You need sleeves. Or at least one...

AMELIE: I prefer shorts.

ANNA: And you need to look like me.

SERENA: There! Voila! That's better!

JUSTINE: (looking in a mirror) No, no. This for sure is not best.

JENN: Yeah, like, pink would be better. And it should be tight so, you know, people could see your, like, buff abs.

SERENA: No way! Like you should be doing any talking. Whenever I look at what you're wearing, I feel sick.

JENN: That isn't anything, like, new now, is it? Shut up, you hydrochloriac!

SERENA: That's hypochondriac. That's what I am. I always seem to get hurt. Look it up in the dictionary. You'll see my picture there!

MARTINA: You are so stupid. (chomps on her rice...but begins to choke)

SERENA: At least I have a formal education!

JENN: *cough* fashion school *cough*

MONICA: Stop fighting!

JENN: F*ck no, Santa Monica!

LINDSAY: Guys, Martina is choking!

AMELIE, JUSTINE and ANNA: We do that all the time.

VENUS: Anna, you're not good enough to choke.

JENN: *cough* Four match points *cough*

VENUS: *cough* Eight match points. *cough*

(MONICA performs the Heimlich on MARTINA. A white particle lands 3 feet away. ANNA picks it up and hands it to MARTINA.)

ANNA: You choked on this.

MARTINA: One of Venus' pearls. (stares at VENUS and SERENA)

SERENA: We don't wear beads anymore.

VENUS: Even pearls are too low for me now.

MARTINA: Then whose is it?

(EVERYONE looks around.)

LINDSAY: Ah, it's mine.

MARTINA: YOU!

LINDSAY: Yeah, I'm trying to change my image so sponsors will pay attention to me.

SERENA: That is so sad. I rate it a 1.2.

JUSTINE: For sure.

LINDSAY: (frustrated) I'm so undeserving.

(*silence*)

ANNA: Okay, enough about Lindsay. Let's talk about my bras!

VENUS: No, I've got something better. (opens her trunk and takes out some bandages) Look at my new bandages!

ANNA: They sparkle like diamonds!

VENUS: They ARE diamonds! I got them while I was in Antwerp. I couldn’t resist them.

JUSTINE: For sure, Anvers is the diamond capitol of the world.

JENN: It's always Belfast this and Belfast that with you Belgrade Sisters.

VENUS: Uh, Jenn, that's Belgium.

SERENA: B-E-L-G-I-U-M

JUSTINE: What I am supposed to say? We have good federations? My backhand -

MARTINA and SERENA: Noooooooo!

JUSTINE: And Kim and I are different persons. She is good girl.

AMELIE: I think you're a good girl too, Justine.

JUSTINE: Stop looking at me like that!

(NATHALIE TAUZIAT bursts in quickly followed by SAMANTHA STEVENSON.)

NATHALIE: (To Amelie) You stay away from her!

SAMANTHA: Aha! Lesbianism!

JUSTINE: I’m for sure not lesbian.

MARTINA: Hi Professor!

AMELIE: Aren't you retired?

JENN: Like, f*ck off, you mariah?

NATHALIE: That’s pariah, you fatty. And I leave anyway - to finish my book about what it’s like to play REAL tennis.

(NATHALIE exits.)

JENN: (grumbling) It’s MUSCLE! (under her breath) F*cking French b*tch!

LINDSAY: (to SAMANTHA) And you? (staredown)

(SAMANTHA leaves.)

JENN: (to AMELIE) You're a f*cking lesbian.

AMELIE: I'm not f*cking right now…but if you're interested...

JENN: F*cking hell, no!

(LLEYTON HEWITT enters.)

LLEYTON: Oy!

EVERYONE: Hi Kim!

LLEYTON: No, I'm Lleyton.

LINDSAY: Sorry. It's just that you two look awfully similar.

LLEYTON: How so?

VENUS: You don't see the resemblance?

LLEYTON: Look at me. You tell me what the similarities are!

VENUS: Um, I don't think I’m going to answer that.

SERENA: Yeah. No comment.

LLEYTON: I guess Kim isn't here.

LINDSAY: She's out helping Jelena with something.

LLEYTON: Oh, okay. (EXITS)

ANNA: I don't know what Kim sees in him.

JENN: Even like my brother and me don't look that much like, alike, like, you know. It's like invest.

LINDSAY: Invest?

ANNA: Invest is what Charles Schwab does for me.

JENN: Charles Schwab is your brother?

ANNA: You're thinking of incest!

JENN: Isn't that how I get when I’m oncourt?

LINDSAY: That's incensed.

JENN: Oh. But what does my getting mad have to do with Lleyton?

LINDSAY: It doesn't have anything to do with Lleyton.

MARTINA: He’s not even half a man.

AMELIE: *ahem*

MARTINA: I would cast him off, that's what I'd do...and find a new man. He's such a little boy.

JUSTINE: Size doesn't matter. You, for sure, should know that.

MARTINA: And he talks to that Mr. Fist thing.

SERENA: I'm sure you're familiar with a lot of Mr. Fists.

EVERYONE BUT MONICA: Ewwwwwwwwww.

MONICA: What's Mr. Fist?

AMELIE: If I was dating Lleyton, I would pretend that he's Kim.

LINDSAY: Amelie, could you think silently from now on. Please?

MONICA: I don't get it?

SERENA: Consider yourself lucky.

JENN: I didn't figure Jebediah's Witnesses knew that sort of stuff.

VENUS: Jehovah's!

JENN: Jeh-ova? Didn't I, like, beat that bitch in the first round? There are, like, so many of them f*cking -ova's around, you know.

VENUS: Jehovah is God.

ANNA: No, I am the goddess.

SERENA: No, you got it all wrong: My sister is the goddess.

MARTINA: I am No. 1 on the Gold Exempt list. I'm the one everyone wants!

LINDSAY: I finished No. 1 last year.

(*silence*)

LINDSAY: I'm so undeserving.

MONICA: What's Mr. Fist?

(KIM enters, carting cases of liquor)

KIM: I'm baaack!

LINDSAY: Where'd you get all that?

KIM: Jelena asked me to get this out of her hotel room. Her dad (motions "drinky, drinky")

LINDSAY: Why isn't Jelena HERE with us?

KIM: She said the lounge was too far away. Hey, Lindsay, check this bottle out!

(KIM hands a champagne bottle to LINDSAY. LINDSAY laughs.)

LINDSAY: (READS) To drink when Jelena defeats Davenport. That's not likely to happen. He must be drunk.

(Hands bottle back to KIM.)

KIM: (shaking the bottle mischievously) Cool. (Pops the cork out.)

SERENA: Owwwwwwww! You got me in the eye! I'm injured again!

KIM: Sorry. I'll visit you in the hospital during my next trip to visit sick children.

SERENA: Couldn't you have aimed it at JENN's stomach?

JENN: Hey, that’s muscle!

VENUS: Can't you show some empathy? Serena’s hurt.

MARTINA: Empathy? What's "empathy?"

(KIM sprays everyone with champagne.)

AMELIE: (sorting through the rest of the drinks) I can make some cocktails from some of these.

JENN: *cough* COCKtails *cough*

SERENA: Jenn, are you sick?

JENN: About as sick as you are. Ah, Serena, why are you, like, you know, limping? I mean, Kim, like, hit you in your goddam eye!

SERENA: I'm a hypochondriac! How many times do I have to tell you?

KIM: AndtothinkIwasgoingtosendyoua"GetWell"card!

JENN: Kim is speaking French again!

KIM: Idon'tspeakFrench; Ispeak FLEMISH! AndIwasjustspeakingin ENGLISH!

JUSTINE: I speak the French.

JENN: Yeah, that's right. Because you're the Balloon from Bologna.

VENUS: WALLOON from WALLONIA.

JUSTINE: Wallonne de la Wallonie.

AMELIE: And THAT was just French.

VENUS: Bologna is in Italy! Ask your dad about it.

JUSTINE: (taking out the Wallon flag) This is for sure the flag de la Wallonie.

JENN: Are you sure?

JUSTINE: For sure, I'm sure...for sure.

JENN: Isn't that your sponsor? Le Coq -?

AMELIE: Could we stop talking about cocks? This is so boring.

MARTINA: To you, maybe.

AMELIE: (handing a drink to VENUS) Would you like a drink?

VENUS: No. I'm tired of swallowing.

MARTINA: Pff.

SERENA: Martina , I hear that you like to swallow a lot of --

MARTINA: Speaking of cocktails...

(DANIELA HANTUCHOVA enters.)

DANIELA: Hi everyone!

EVERYONE: Hi Daniela!

DANIELA: I need some pearls to go with my cocktail dress, um, I mean, tennis outfit.

MARTINA: Lindsay has beads.

VENUS: I don't have pearls. But I can lend you some diamonds if you promise to practice with Martina and Justine again.

DANIELA: Okay.

VENUS: (opens her trunk) Let's see.

(MARTINA looks over her shoulder.)

MARTINA: Hey! What's this!!! (Pulls out a Chucky doll with pins stuck in it.) Explain this!

JENN: There's, like, one of me too!

KIM: My arm!

AMELIE: My head!

JUSTINE: For sure, my head also.

MONICA: Mine is FAT!

SERENA: You have one of me too...and it’s pressed in the stomach!

ANNA: There’s not one for me!

VENUS: (calmly) I made them as presents for all of you.

MARTINA: You didn't make mine! You bought mine.

VENUS: No, Martina, that’s what you really look like.

LINDSAY: I'm missing a leg!

VENUS: I worked on yours first.

SERENA: Oh, and not mine?!

VENUS: Well, notice how ugly Lindsay's is? I practiced working on hers first.

LINDSAY: I can be a real bitch you know. (throws down crutches and begins to WALK towards VENUS.)

VENUS: I can explain. Just let me get out of the room first. (Backs toward the door...which suddenly opens.)

(TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR enters.)

TD: Hi girls.

VENUS: Hi. Um, why don't we have equal pay?

TD: (completely off-guard and nervous) Well, that's because, well, you see...

VENUS: Get him!

TD: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(The PLAYERS close in on the poor unfortunate tournament director.)

THE END

[Vanity]

Nicole, I've watched this lovely creation of yours grow from start to finish..... it's excellent, It has me almost falling out of my chair laughing!!! LOL!
I could so see this being a SNL skit!!

[vw43]

LMFAO..

You've got yourself your own little screenplay...

Hilarious..

[cynicole]

Originally posted by Vanity

I could so see this being a SNL skit!!

Well, the Monica opening the refrigerator part was on SNL.

It's stolen from a skit that was called something like "At Home With Monica."

[thefreedesigner]

Fucking - oops! - great!!!

Haha, how do you manage to get so many foibles and double-entendres in there!

Have to say I didn't understand the thing about Lleyton and Kim looking alike though....I rate that 10/10, for sure!

[RYNJ]

SERENA: Oh My Goodness, girl, your hair is just wrong! I'd rate it a 3.5 out of potential 10 points!

HAHAHAHA

Great post cynicole, so funny. Hope to have more!!

[FroggyLight]

LoL omg Thats hilarious! Great post!

[Gonzo Hates Me!]

Real funny!!! Hilarious. Especially the mock of Lleyton's US Open crap and Jenn being, well, Jenn! Hehe. It was just too long though. Everyone knows I don't read

[angele87]

ROTFLMAO

That was hilarious!!


Oh and when Lleyton still had a ponytail, he and Kim did actually look like each other

[Mazza]

LMAO That was too funny! Did Kim and Lleyton ever meet up with eachother?!

[Nimi]

LOL
the best so far!

& Kim & Lleyton are lookalikes!!!

[A4]

Cynicole. You actually made my board twice today. Really hilarious stuff. Yeah, something for everyone, even Tolstoy, as Mrs Guga so eloquently put it.

Thanx for a great read.

[Ryan]

MARTINA: Empathy? What's "empathy?"

LMFAO! This was goddamn hilarious cynicole! You have ot write another one!

[Nikki]

Lmfao

[wongqks]

This is great so many great jokes, especially the part when you were talking about Venus etc said everyone beat Jenn and MArtina hide behind a rice bowl and the voodoo dolls but with no Anna LOL

Thanks for that it is truly great!!!