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Halloween Confrontation VIII

20K views 162 replies 68 participants last post by  mc8114 
#1 ·
It may suck. But it's tradition.



OPEN ON A DARK, DESERTED AMUSEMENT PARK ENTRANCE. A SPUTTERING NEON SIGN READS “THE AMAZING CARNIVAL OF ERRORS.”

QUEEN MASHA STANDS WITH HER LOYAL SERVANTS, ANDY H. AND JO-LA.

ANDY:
I don’t like this place. It’s kind of creepy. And it’s October. Horrible things always happen around here near Halloween and Lena’s birthday.

QUEEN MASHA:
Silence, peasant. We bid dearly to get the candy concession here for Sugarpovas, and we will make a delicious profit. Besides, the sign says “Carnival of Errors.” It will be like watching the Swedish peasant hit a backhand.

JO-LA (sticking out tongue at Queen Masha’s back and sotto voce):
Shows what you know, you bossy bitch. I’ve never hit a backhand in my life!

ANDY WAVES A VENDOR PASS AT THE BOOTH AND THEY WALK THROUGH THE GATE, JO-LA WHEELING A HANDCART WITH BOXES OF SUGARPOVAS.

ENTER THE WILLIAMS SISTERS.

SERENA:
Ha. While all those other foolish girls play the Asian tour, I’m gonna chill and relax with a nice trip to the amusement park.

VEE:
Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean Disneyworld is a lot nicer…

SERENA:
Please. I might even do an exo with Vika. I bet we could hit 70, 80 UEs each.

VEE:
And yet the biggest error is that one of you ends up doing a victory--and I use the word loosely--“dance.”

SERENA:
Just buy the tickets.

VEE PURCHASES TICKETS FROM THE UNSEEN VENDOR IN THE BOOTH AND THE SISTERS MOVE THROUGH THE TURNSTILES.

ENTER THE EXTENDEd POLISH/GERMAN/DANISH CONTINGENT.

ULA:
Oh, look! An amusement park!
AGA:
You know what amuses me? Being naked in Playboy!

SABS:
Okay, I’ll go, but we can’t go on any fast rides. I ruptured my spleen on a merry-go-round once and nearly died!

ANGIE:
Seriously?

SABS:
Well, it was a very big merry-go-round. And then, once I did the milk bottle toss and blew out my rotator cuff.

ANGIE:
What’s the longest you’ve gone without hurting yourself?

SABS:
I once went 47 minutes and 18 seconds. Then I ate a Pink Thing and stabbed myself in the face with the stick! I nearly died!

CARO:
I don’t want to get naked, but I would like to get on those flying swings so my skirt flys up and shows off my new line of panties. I have to say they are pretty nice. Let’s go on in!

THEY BUY THEIR TICKETS.

ENTER DANI AND DOMI DRESSED AS CARPENTERS.

DANI:
This is the jobsite all right.

DOMI:
I don’t get it. Why am I dressed as a carpenter?

DANI:
Because in the last confrontation, there was not ONE SINGLE JOKE ABOUT MOHAWK LAMINATE. And that is just wrong. So we are here to build a new roller coaster out of Mohawk Laminate.

DOMI:
You know, I have the suspicion I am just being set up for a bunch of cheap, unfunny short jokes followed by an awful, painful death.

DANI (WITH FINGERS CROSSED):
Please, like I would ever do that to a fellow Slovak.

THE SLOVAKS MOVE ON, LADEN WITH MOHAWK LAMINATE, NAILS, TOOLS, ETC.

THE SIGN CRACKLES, SENDING A REIGN OF SPARKS…A “T” IS NOW VISIBLE, SO THE SIGN READS “THE AMAZING CARNIVAL OF TERRORS” AND THE TICKET WINDOW LIGHTS UP TO REVEAL THE SMILING FACE OF SHINO TSURUBUCHI…

WHERE ARE VIKA AND NINA?

WHAT HAVE THE LADIES GOTTEN THEMSELVES INTO?

TO BE CONTINUED…
 
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#132 ·
VEE:

We need to use common sense here. No matter how tempting, no matter how harmless a ride looks, we must NOT go near it!

MARION:
Yes. That makes sense. The rides are killing us all.

DANI:
I wish I had a piano made out of Mohawk Laminate.

VIKA:
Look! A shooting gallery!

JJ:
No, you idiot! Don’t go near it!

VIKA:
Please, we can use the guns to defend ourselves!

LI:
They’re probably just BB guns anyway. How much harm can they do?

LENA:
Mommy Vera says no guns. And no boys. And no

JJ STUFFS A CHEAP TEDDY BEAR FROM THE PRIZE GALLERY INTO LENA’S MOUTH.

SARA:
Thank you.

VIKA:
Yes! A gun!

THE GUN GOES OFF. VIKA SHOOTS HERSELF IN THE FOOT.

VIKA:
Ouch! Oh the fuckery!

I have to withdraw from this confrontation! I’m injured!

DANI GRABS THE BB GUN. SHE ACCIDENTLY SMACKS VIKA IN THE HEAD, KNOCKING HER UNCONCIOUS.

DANI:
Fuckery indeed! Just as I thought. This stock is NOT Mohawk Laminate. Look at that streaky finish and uneven grain. It makes me want to PUKE.

LI:
Vika! How many credit cards am I holding up?

VIKA:
All of them?

LI:
Yes! She’s okay!

MARION:
Hey, who’s that guy over there?

LENA:
Stay away from boys! You could get cooties! Or kissed!

SARA:
Please kill her.

DANI:
Wait… the sign. It says he will guess your weight…or your IQ…for $1.00.

MARION:
Watch this!

MARION MARCHES UP TO THE OLD MAN IN THE CHAIR, A SCALE BESIDE HIM, A MYSTERIOUS MACHINE WITH WHAT APPEARS TO BE A COLLANDER WITH WIRES ON IT ON THE OTHER.

MARION:
So, how does this work?

OLD MAN:
It’s simple, Ma’am. You pay me a dollar, and I guess your weight. If I’m off by more than 10 pounds either way, you win a prize.

MARION:
Please. I’m not going to get on a scale in front of these catty bitches. What about guessing my IQ?

MAN:
Now, missy, you best settle for me guessing your weight.

MARION:
No. Guess my IQ.

MAN:
All right. I’ll guess you’ll have to get hooked up to my IQ tester.

MARION:
Oui, go ahead.

THE MAN STRAPS THE COLLANDER TO MARION’S HEAD AND STEPS BACK.

MAN:
I’m guessing your IQ is about 70, give or take.

MARION (LAUGHING)
Please, you fool. My IQ is 179.

MAN (FLIPPING A SWITCH AND FRYING MARION TO A CRISP):
IQ of 179? Then how the hell did you fall for a trap this damn obvious?

HE LAUGHS AND LAUGHS, THEN FADES INTO A GHOSTLY MIST AS THE REMAINING WOMEN SCREAM…
 
#134 ·
#143 ·
ONLY A FEW DAYS REMAIN!

WILL ANYONE SURVIVE? WILL ANYONE SAVE THE WTA? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MASSACRE OF WTA TALENT?


THE STORY LURCHES ALONG...

LI;
Don’t you understand? The only way to stay safe is to do absolutely nothing!

VEE:
Yes! We must all act like Lena in a Grand Slam Final!

SARA:
Aside from the crying and asking for her mother part.

VEE:
Yes, that goes without saying.

LENA (POUTING):
Stupid old slams. The Olympics are so much better. And pizza makes you fat and break out. So take that, mean old Nastya.

JJ:
Wait! I hear a helicopter!

SARA:
I don’t hear anything.

JJ:
Please, if there’s one thing I know, it’s helicopters.

LI:
No, she’s right! There’s a helicopter!

VIKA:
Two helicopters! Three helicopters! 147 helicopters!

VEE:
Dani, how hard did you hit her in the head?

DANI:
Honestly, you don’t need to hit her that hard.

VEE:
Good point.

A GIANT HELICOPTER LANDS. IT HAS A SIGN ON IT: “HELICOPTER TO SAFETY. $100 EA.”

JJ:
I don’t stoop to carrying money. Where the hell is Sneki with my purse.

LENA:
Once, Mommy Vera gave me a whole euro to buy some winegums.


I lost it.

VEE:
I don’t have that kind of cash. The medical bills are kind of killing me these days.

VIKA:
The last time I was hit in the head, I sunk all my money into Zimbabwean government bonds. Cara promised me they were solid as shit.

SARA:
I think she said they were shit.

VIKA:
Whatever.

LI:
Not to worry. I have my credit card. I’ll just slide it through the reader…

Declined?

There must be some mistake. Again.

DECLINED? No. No. It can’t be…

LI BREAKS OUT IN A COLD SWEAT AND CLUTCHES AT HER CHEST.

JJ:
Does anyone know CPR?

VEE:
You know as often as I’ve had to have it performed on me, you’d think I would. But I’m always unconscious when it happens.

VIKA:
Me, too.

LI:
No credit card…urk…

SHE FALLS OVER DEAD.

SARA:
The shock has killed her.

JJ:
Oh, look. The sad thing is she just made an enforced error entering her PIN.

DANI:
Sad, yet hilarious.
THE HELICOPTER LIFTS OFF AND FLIES AWAY.

DANI:
I should have offered it some Mohawk Laminate in exchange for a ticket.

SARA:
What’s that?

A NOISE, LIKE CHOMPING TEETCH COMES OUT OF THE DARKNESS.

LENA:
Mommmmmmmmmmeeeeee!

VEE:
Everyone, gather together!

JJ:
It’s …

ZOMBIE JO-LA COMES OUT OF THE DARKNESS.

JO-LA:
Brains…brains…

VEE:
Shoot her in the head! Shoot her in the head!

DANI:
With a BB gun?

JJ:
With half her head already gone?

BUT IT’S TOO LATE! AS THE WOMEN ARGUE, THE ZOMBIE JO-LA SINKS HER TEETH INTO SARA!

SARA:
Well, to be honest, I kind of expected this all along.

JO-LA:
Brains. Soaked in lye. Brainfisk!

SARA:
Oh my God! Her breath! The lutefisk! It’s worse than the being eaten alive part! Run! Run while you still can!

THE SURVIVORS RUN!
 
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#147 ·
THE WOMEN RUN THROUGH THE HEAVY MUD AND POURING RAIN.

VEE:
Oh, my gout…

DANI:
No, Vee, keep fighting!

VEE:
The beri beri is acting up.

LENA:
Please, Vee!

VEE:
I think I’m coming down with a case of bubonic plague, too.

JJ:
We can’t abandon you. I’m sure Lena or Dani can carry you.

LENA:
Yes! I am a strong Russian girl! I will carry you!

VEE:
No! You must go on and save yourselves! My athlete’s foot…so itchy. Leave me the gun. I’ll hold them off.

DANI:
Hold who off?

VEE:
Them!

SHE POINTS. RED FOO AND BOB KRAFT, DRESSED AS CLOWNS, LURCH TOWARD THE WOMEN.

LENA, JJ AND VIKA:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Killer assclowns from outer space!!!!

THEY RUN. VEE PROPS HERSELF AGAINST A TREE, THE BB GUN LEVELED AT THE CLOWNS.

VEE:
Damn this leprosy. I only hope my trigger finger doesn’t fall off…
THE REST OF THE WOMEN RUN.

JJ:
Look! A flying carpet ride!

DANI:
No! Such a thing is too horrible to contemplate!

LENA:
Why? Once, when I was a little girl, I found some carpeting in an alley. It smelled of vodka and vomit, but it was so soft. I used it for a pillow for a whole night before Mommy Vera took it away. She said…

VIKA:
Oh, my God, shut up Lena.

DANI:
Carpet is neither fierce nor aggressive, like Mohawk laminate. I HATE it.

JJ:
It’s just a ride, Dani. It’s not even real carpet.

DANI:
Then what’s that?

SURE ENOUGH, A GIANT CARPET HAS RISEN UP OUT OF THE RIDE AND IS MOVING TOWARD DANI.

VIKA:
RUN!

THE WOMEN FLEE, BUT THE CARPET PURSUES DANI, WRAPPING ITSELF AROUND HER, ROLLING UP TIGHT UNTIL DANI IS CRUSHED!

JJ;
Yuck.

LENA:
I want my MOMMY.

VIKA:
Please tell me this is all a hallucination due to a blow to the head. Or a massive sugar rush from too many Snickers and Cokes.

JJ:
Dammit, I knew I should have skipped that last tournament and gone shopping…look!
The gift shop!

LENA:
No, JJ! Don’t go there!

JJ:
Please. If there’s one place I am invincible, it when I’m shopping!

VIKA:
Me too! I wonder if they sell hot, sexy gilets!

LENA:
Please. Even I know there is no such thing as a sexy gilet.

THE WOMEN ENTER THE SHOP. WHICH IS FULL OF TASTELESS SOUVENEIRS.

JJ:
Ugh.

VIKA:
Double ugh.

SUDDENLY, ANNE KREMER POPS FROM BEHIND ONE OF THE SHELVES.

ANNE:
You damn shoplifter!

VIKA:
Me? Shoplifting this crap?

You’re killing me!

ANNE:
Yes. Yes I am.

SHE PULLS OUT A HATCHET AND BURYS IT IN VIKA’S SKULL.

VIKA:
So…not…hilarious.

JJ and LENA TRY TO FLEE, ONLY TO FIND THE DOORS LOCKED.

THE GHOST OF LAURA ROBSON APPEARS IN FRONT OF LENA.

ROBSON:
Look, Lena. It’s a novelty gag glass of a clown. When it’s warm, it looks like he has pants on. But when I touch it with my ghostly cold hands the pants disappear…

LENA DROPS DEAD IN HORROR AT THE SIGHT OF THE CLOWN IN POLKA-DOTTED UNDERWEAR.

JJ:
Oh no! I’m the only one left! An Empress without and Empire!

ROBSON:
Oh, shut up.

SHE PULLS OUT A FLAME THROWER AND INCINERATES JJ.

KREMER AND THE GHOST OF ROBSON MEET AND HIGH FIVE, THE PULL OFF MASKS TO REVEAL THEY ARE ACTUALLY…




















TIPSARAVIC

AND

SIMON!!!!!!!!!!

JANKO:
Finally! We have destroyed the annoying WTA players!

Gilles:
Yes! Now, all of four times a year, a bunch of women who wouldn’t last half a set against Federer or Murray won’t interfere with out glory!

JANKO:
Never mind that we can’t last a half set against them either! Equal prize money at four whole tournaments! It’s so unfair! It was worth selling our souls to Satan to wipe out these bitches!!

GILLES:
Yes! Now people will have to pay attention to us!

SUDDENLY, THE DOOR TO THE GIFT SHOP SPLINTERS INTO A THOUSAND PIECES!

ENTER NINJA ANDY, FOLLOWED BY HUNDREDS OF NINJA CHIPMUNKS, THE SAME CHIPMUNKS WHO KIDNAPPED HER EARLIER!

ANDY:
Not so fast!

JANKO:
You! But how! The chipmunks…

ANDY:
Instead of killing me, they worship me as their Queen!

GILLES:
No. No, it’s not possible!

ANDY:
Well, it’s true!

And I have a counter-offer for you Satan!

SHE PRODUCES A SIX PACK OF PILSNER URQUELL.

This, to undo all the damage from today. And don’t try to cheat on the deal, because I’m practically a lawyer.

THERE IS A PUFF OF BLACK SMOKE, AND STACY ALISTAIR SATAN APPEARS.

STATAN:
Deal.

JANKO:
You mean both our souls are worth less than a six pack? That’s just cold.

THEY ARE SEIZED BY THE CHIPMUNKS AND BOUND.

ENTER DOMI:
Hey, the party girl is here! What time does the party start?
 
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#157 ·
Brilliant few chapters as always but I daresay the mohawk laminate references have become a bit overkilled :bolt:.
 
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