[Jalil Sherman]

^ Somebody had this thread on subscribe

[jrollaneres25]

Okay, so is anyone gonna actually post about the storyline????

[le bon vivant]

Originally Posted by jrollaneres25

Okay, so is anyone gonna actually post about the storyline????

When they gon fuck, sis?

[jrollaneres25]

I beg your pardon?

[jrollaneres25]

Waiting to Inhale: Chapter 18: Part 2 [Forgiveness]

Me: What you mean?
Necee: Taruy had called me this morning and he said that he was headed up to the church house. Can you talk?
Me: Yeah.

RING-RING!

Me: Now what's going on?
Necee: Yeah, Taruy was saying something about you and him having to talk to Deacon Brown about something with Jarian. He didn't really go into detail but he was hinting some things. But I know how Taruy is. He just messy. So I just wanted to ask you.
Me: Taruy is something else. Look, I'mma call you later on today. I just got a lot to do. You know my mom is in jail right?
Necee: Omg! I'm so sorry.
Me: Yeah, so Eric and I are putting things in storage today and tomorrow because we gotta be out by Monday. But I'll call you later alright?
Necee: Sure.
Me: Bye [CLICK]

What is he trying to do? Ruin my life?
I drive home and go into the house. I start boxing things and working on areas that hadn't been touched. My room will be last.
I call my brother Eric to see if we can use his dad's van to put the stuff in.

Eric3:20pm] Hey Dante
Me: Hey can we use your dad's van?
Eric: I already got it covered. My dad took me to rent a U-Haul truck this morning. He said he needed his van. I'm still working with him though. I gotta go.
Me: When are you coming?
Eric: Around 5:30 or so. Gotta Go! [CLICK]

Well that's good. That'll make it much easier.

I walked into the living room when it suddenly dawned on me. Where's my dog gonna go? Well I'll just move with my granny for a month or so and work a temp job to save money. Princess can come with me there. And then I'll move to Dallas and Join CFC. I just need to make sure that it's okay with Granny.

DING-DONG!

I go and answer the door.

Greg: Damn, what the fuck is going on in here?

I noticed Kardar with him as they walked in.
Me: You don't remember? Mom is in jail and we can't afford to stay here. So we gotta move.
Greg: Oh yeah that's messed up.

Greg looks at Kardar.

Greg: Well, aren't you gonna speak nigga?
Kardar: Oh Waddup Dante. [he said looking at me]
Me: What's up Kardar.

Greg: Well I just came to get some grub. Then we out ya'lls way.
Me: Oh there's some left over burritos from Rosa's in the refrigerator.
Greg: Dat's wassup. I'll be back

He went into the kitchen and left Kardar behind.
I continued to work on things in the living room

Kardar: Hey Dante.
Me: Wassup? [ I said as I continued working]
Kardar: I'm sorry bro.
Me: Oh you good dude. It's cool.
Kardar: Naw farreal. I'm sorry for how I been treatn you.

I turn towards him and give him my undivided attention.

Kardar: Yo brother was telln me about you. He said that you're a church boy and shit. That you be reading the bible and praying and shit. He said you even prayed for him while he was locked up. I respect that. My granny be tryna get me to go to church but I ain't ready for all that shit. So I got mad respect for you ya feel me? I'm really sorry man.

Me: Hey I forgive you.

He walks towards me and gives me dap. He pulls me in for a slight hug.
At the same time Greg walks in.

Greg: What the fuck I tell you about puttn yo hands on my brother?
Me: Greg, it's okay. He was just apologizing to me.
Greg: Oh aight. Well we out then Dante.
Me: Aight.

As they were walking out the door I get a text msg.
I look at my phone. Jarian.

Jarian5:13pm] Who is this?
Me: It's Dante lol. Ya phone trippn?

RING-RING!

Me: What's up.
Jarian: Omg who were you talking to on my phone?
Me: What you mean? Weren't you texting me this week?
Jarian: Naw, I been grounded from my phone and I just got it back like an hour ago. My parents had my phone. I saw how they were trying to erase all these text msgs, but they didn't do a good job. What did you say?
Me: I mean, I was just trying to see when I had to meet your dad at the church. That's all. I didn't say nothing extra.
Jarian: Well I hope not because my dad is being extra nosy now. Well hey gotta go. I'm not suppose to be talking to you. Bye [CLICK]

Wow, so his dad was texting me the whole time! I hope I didn't say something off the wall!
I search through the phone to make sure I didn't text anything inappropriate.
As I was doing that I got a text msg........Lamonte.

Lamonte5:22pm] Hey Dante. I've been waiting on you to text me or call me all day. You're probably still mad or you've noticed that a page from your notebook has been torn out. Well I can explain. If you will just give me a chance. Let me know when you get this.

I take a deep breath. I really just wanted to forget about all of this. But I just can't resist. I'm trying, but I have to text him back.

Me5:30pm] Hey Lamonte. I got your text msg.
Lamonte: Dante! Can you talk for a minute?
Me: yeah.

RING-RING.

I really didn't want to answer but I did.

Me: What's up.
Lamonte: Listen. I know that you're probably upset with me. And I know you're going through a lot right now. And I'm sorry for tearing that page out of your notebook.
Me: Why did you do that!?
Lamonte: Dante, calm down okay?
Me: No I'm not going to calm down! You don't understand Lamonte! This is not easy to deal with!
Lamonte: Well let me just talk to you.
Me: Okay...go ahead!
Lamonte: Dante, let me come and get you so I can e--
Me: NO LAMONTE! Tell me now! Tell me why you putting me through this! Why did you tear that out of my notebook! Why are you making me feel this way! JUST TELL ME!
Lamonte: Dante--
Me: You're suppose to be my friend! I've been nothing but a good friend to you! I never did anything less than that! So tell my why!
Lamonte: [a slight pause and deep breath] Dante. Please Calm down okay? Listen. Just let me come and Get you and--
Me: [I started speaking over him] NO I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! Just Leave Me Alone And I'll Leave You Alone! [I could feel my voice quivering]
Lamonte: Dan--
MeClick]

I fell to my knees and start crying and praying to God.

"GOD! Please Hear My Cry! I Want To Live For You! I'm Trying to do the right thing! I'm soo confused right now! I want to Live Holy And Be Pleasing To You! I really Like Lamonte, but I Felt Like I Had to Do that To Please You God! But It Didn't Feel Good!

Why God!? Why Does It Feel Right To Talk To Him, But It's Soo Wrong!?
Please Answer Me God!?


I get no Response......



-------------------

[The Dawntreader]

Well....holy fuck.

[Jalil Sherman]

Hey, jrollaneres, what do you plan to do with these stories?

[Pump-it-UP]

Originally Posted by LBV.

When they gon fuck, sis?

Originally Posted by jrollaneres25

I beg your pardon?

[jrollaneres25]

Originally Posted by الحاجّ مالك

Hey, jrollaneres, what do you plan to do with these stories?

Ummm, I haven't a plan......

[jrollaneres25]

Waiting to Inhale: Chapter 19: [Flow]



After crying and travailing, I had no energy.
I walked to my room and slid out of my clothes into my underwear.
I take off my socks and climb into bed.
I needed a quick nap.
That way I'll have energy to help Eric load the U-Haul truck.

I look at my phone. 5:56pm. I'd better Text him.
I saw that I had already missed a phone call and a text from him

Eric: [5:49pm] Hey bro my bad. I ended up working late with dad. I'll be there around 7pm or so. Hope that's not too late. The Storage place closes at 10pm.
Me: [5:58pm] That's cool. I need a nap. So I'm about to take one See you later.

Lay my phone by me and think about Lamonte. I tried to push thoughts about him out of my head, but they came in droves.
Then I start thinking about my mother.
I felt myself getting emotional again so I resorted in thinking about Heaven again. That was always a safe Haven for me to go for comfort.
I begin to recollect on the book I read about someone's testimony about having the honor to visit Heaven for 5 hours.
Jesse Duplantis.
I opened my eyes and pick up my phone.
I go on youtube and search him up.
I find a video of him speaking on it that was about 15 minutes long.
I watch it. I tried to imagine everything he mentions describing Heaven.
Ahhh....what a good feeling.....
I close my eyes. I drift....


---------DREAM--------


I found myself in some sort of hospital-like building.
I must have worked here because I had scrubs on.
I was working closely with someone with scrubs on and a stethoscope wrapped around their neck.

Doctor: Follow me.

So I did. We began to proceed our way through a series of doors. They were electronic doors.
He did a swipe with his card and it opened the doors. Otherwise there would be a red light that showed the doors being locked.
I searched my right pocket and noticed that I had one too.
We must have went through like a dozen doors when suddenly, there was this loud dropping noise.

Everyone panicked! It sounded like it dropped right on the roof of the building.

People: It's a monster! It's in the Left DR. Wing! It's killing everyone!

The doctor and myself begin to flee.
I was pretty scared as we rush through these electronic doors.
Somehow, I sensed that the monster was coming for us.
We got to the end of the doors and there were doors to the left and right of us.

Doctor: Which Door should we take!
Me: Let's go to the Right one!

So we did. It felt like a mistake. There was no way out this room! It was bricked and it had all the Janitorial equipment in here! Oh We're doomed!

We could hear the monster right outside the door. It banged on our door a couple of times and then we heard it go to the other door.

And then...all of a sudden it got quiet.

Me: Hey, we've got to get out of here!
Doctor: Are you crazy! I'm not going anywhere!
Me: Look! If we stay here, then we're as good as dead meat!
Doctor: I'm not going anywhere!
Me: Okay, suit yourself Doctor!

I pull out my card and swipe. The door slid open.

Doctor: Get Out!

He pushed me out.
I noticed that it was desolate out everywhere.
The left door was wide open and I realized that it was night time.
This door led to the exit of this building.
Here's my chance to escape!
I cautiously walk out the door when suddenly I heard a window break in the other room I was just in.
The Doctor!
I heard him screaming and I wanted to go and help him but I knew it was too late.

I ran out of the door, which led to a dark alley.
As I begin to run down the alley I was met head on with two ferocious full-grown Doberman Pinscher's. They looked as if they wanted to eat me for dinner.
As this was happening I had a strange moment in the dream. And it was that.
I questioned whether or not I was dreaming.
At that moment I remembered a video I had saw on youtube about Lucid Dreaming and how to take control of your dream.
Whilst dreaming I held my nose and tried to breathe with my mouth closed. I could! That was one of the techniques that would allow you to realize that you were dreaming without actually waking up from the dream.

By this time the Doberman's where on me, but they weren't biting me. They were just circling me. I felt the monster approaching the alley way.
I thought okay, I have control over this dream, what should I do?

I looked up at the night sky. Fly.
So I flew, and instantly my mood in the dream switched from fear and anxiety to freedom and exhilaration.

I flew in the cool night air and smiled. This felt good.
And Then I started to think about God. Maybe I can get God to talk to me.
I begin to talk to Him and share with him everything that I was going through. And how confusing this life has been and how everyone has their own opinion on how life should be lived.
And Then I asked God, "But Lord, what do You Want?" What Do You want from your creation?"

Suddenly I begin to feel myself shaking. Shaking and shaking more.

I started to descend from my flight. I felt myself lose control and then i heard a voice.

"Dante"...."Dante"

Me: God Is that You?

"Dante"

The voice begin to sound familiar. Who's voice is this?

"Dante" Wake up....

------------------

I had awakened to that voice. Lamonte.

Me: How---how did you get in here?
Lamonte: Your brother let me in. You okay?
Me: Um--yeah

I looked at the time on the clock. [9:01pm]
Wow I slept for a long time.
And then I noticed that All the covers where on the ground and I was laying in my bed with no covers and only in my underwear. I was laying on my stomach and my arms where stretched out like--like I was flying.
How Embarrassing.

Lamonte: You okay Dante? [he asked again as he noticed the confusion on my face.
Dante: [rubbing my eyes] umm..yea I guess.

Lamonte walked over and picked up my covers for me and spread them over my body. It felt good. I looked at him.

Lamonte: Listen Dante. I can't force you to listen to me, nor do I want to. And you're right. I have absolutely no idea what you must be going through. All I know is that I want to be here for you. I do, however want to clarify the page out of your notebook, and the reason it was ripped out.

He sat on the bed. I kinda sat up a little to direct my focus on him. I was still trying to recollect myself from the dream and reality. It was all happening so fast. So I just stood there emotionless, listening and yawning.

Lamonte: When I left the tennis courts and went home, that's when I found it...well actually my mom did. Well...actually Kianna did.
Kianna had come back over to my house looking for me while you were teaching me tennis. My mom let her in. Kianna tricked my mother and told her that she had forgot something upstairs in my room.
When I got back home, my mom told me that there was a folder that Kianna dropped going out of the house. So my mom picked it up and put it on my bed. So I thought it was hers. When I started flipping through the pages I noticed your rough draft to our English assignment. It was the same one I read before the typed up version. And then I saw that page with my name all over it. I saw the word "Future" next to my name. And then I thought what's this? Then I remembered that Kianna had your folder and was trying to walk out the house with it. So I figured that she must have put that in your notebook, trying to stir up mess. So I ripped it out.
I called her and I asked her about it. She said she knew nothing of the sort. I didn't believe her. Oh btw you probably need to check your bag because there may be some things missing bruh. But yeah, so that's why I wanted to talk to you about it. I'm just trying to get and understanding myself. But your reaction said it all....


By this time my senses were heightened and I was fully awake.
The familiar flood of emotions begin to take over again. Anxiety. Fear. Rejection. And Anger.

He must have noticed because he stopped talking and then he....reached for me.

Me: What?
Lamonte: Come here.

I was a bit resistant because I really didn't have any clothes on and..and...
He scooted closer to me and consoled me with a warm hug.

Lamonte: You okay?
Me: Um...kinda.
Lamonte: Listen don't you go cookoo on me okay. I can't stand to see you crying and hurting.

He released me and grabbed me by the arms.

Lamonte: Listen to me. Now this time I'm not asking you, but I'm telling you to come with me.
Me: Where?
Lamonte: Put some clothes on. I'll be outside waiting in the truck.
Me: But-
Lamonte: Don't worry about it. I already helped your brother load most of everything in the U-Haul Truck. I told him I'd be back in the morning to help you unload everything in storage. And I am going to help you.
I'll see you outside.

He walked out the door and shut it.

I just sat there for a moment. I tried to make sense out of what just happened. The more I tried to figure it out the more confused I made myself. I came to a decision. I'm just going to go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens. If I'm hurt, then I'm hurt. If everything works out, then it does. It was obvious to me the more I tried to control everything, the more I messed everything up.

I get up and put some clothes on and head towards the door.
I noticed that the house looked really empty. They got a lot of work done and I didn't even help one bit. Then I began to be appreciative not only for my brother Eric...but Lamonte.

I look at my phone and saw 4 missed calls and a text message.
My ex-girlfriend, Necee.

Necee: [8:50pm] You awake yet? I called you twice and your brother said that you were knocked out.

I thought to myself.
Tonight is about me and Lamonte.
I open the door and take one last look inside. Then I close the door.

I climb into the truck and shut the door.

Lamonte: Dante I don't want you to be resistant to what we about to do.
Me: Don't worry. I'm just gonna let things flow from now on.

He smiled and started the engine.

We pull out of the driveway and he began down a familiar street that we were on a couple of nights ago.

[Jalil Sherman]

Originally Posted by jrollaneres25

Ummm, I haven't a plan......

Have you already finished the story or are you writing as you go along?

Are you open to suggestions/changes?

[jrollaneres25]

I've already written the first Saga (30 Chapters). I'm working on the second one. I've got only about 3 chapters in the second one. Why what's up? I'm still waiting on readers feedback

[Jalil Sherman]

Some people have given you reasonable feedback in this thread. However I think you need to clarify what you're ultimate goal is before you go forward. Is it just for fun? If so, why not share it on a site or with people that are genuinely interested in creative writing? And if you want to get it published I would suggest taking the advice of the posters in this thread esp. re: the dialogue. That might mean changing quite a lot about it, which might not be very fun or worthwhile.

All in all, I wish you good luck. I actually started writing again a while back because of you and your stories

[jrollaneres25]

Originally Posted by الحاجّ مالك

Some people have given you reasonable feedback in this thread. However I think you need to clarify what you're ultimate goal is before you go forward. Is it just for fun? If so, why not share it on a site or with people that are genuinely interested in creative writing? And if you want to get it published I would suggest taking the advice of the posters in this thread esp. re: the dialogue. That might mean changing quite a lot about it, which might not be very fun or worthwhile.

All in all, I wish you good luck. I actually started writing again a while back because of you and your stories

Really? Awesome! And where else could I share this story?

Also, in the OP I stated that I desire feedback from chapter-to-chapter. And trust me, the feedback that has been given I've taken in huge strides

[jrollaneres25]

Waiting to Inhale: Chapter 20: Part 1 [Blow]



Lamonte: You alright?
Me: Yeah. Are We headed--
Lamonte: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Just ride.

He turns on some music. "I'll Be There" Jackson 5
He looks at me and smiles.
I smirk back at him and then roll my eyes.
He starts laughing.

Lamonte: You a trip Dante! But it's cool. You alright?
Me: Yees! Why you keep asking me that?
Lamonte: Cause You never know with you.
Me: Uppt! What that supposed to mean?
Lamonte: Oh, so you brand new tonight then huh?
Me: Watever!

I reach for the music and turn it up full blast
Lamonte quickly turns it back down

Lamonte: Dante! These some sensitive speakers! You tryna "blow" them out?
Me: Mmmmhmmm... remember? You never know with me.
Lamonte: Hahaha! Okay I got you.

I don't know what's happening to me, but.... I just feel more free with Lamonte at the moment.
It's like, there's a liberation being birthed inside of me. I can't explain it any further. All I know is this feels soo good. Almost too good to be--

Lamonte: Here we are! The Duck Pond! [He said interrupting my thoughts]
Me: Yup, the same place...and just about the same time.
Lamonte: And looky here.

He reaches in the back seat of his truck and pulls out a ripped page of a sheet of paper. My note.

Lamonte: Dante, I believe this is yours.

I take it, and I begin to get flushed in the face.
Whew! Thank God for melanin!

Me: Wow, this is so embarrassing.
Lamonte: Don't be. It's cool. Look. I know that you're attracted to me. Am I right?
Me: [reluctant] Um....ye--aa---h
Lamonte: [laughing] Dante, it's cool.

He got quiet for a minute. I could see that he was trying to think about how he was gonna say what he was gonna say.
What was he gonna say? That...he liked me too? I don't know what I'd do after that. I don't think I'm ready for this....

Lamonte: Okay, remember when I told you that I was going over my cousins house the other day?
Me: Yes..um for a birthday party right?
Lamonte: Haha-yeah. That was a lie. Btw today is Kianna's birthday.

I rolled my eyes.

Lamonte: My bad, I couldn't help it. Yea, but I have twin cousins. They are both 17. And I'm closer to one of them than the other. I'm close to their mom too. She's my favorite Auntie. Her and my mom are identical twins. And my Auntie Netta had twin boys. Fraternal. Jylan and Jaylan. Jylan is like my twin. Everyone says that we look alike. And so I call him twin.
But Jylan, that's the twin I'm closest to..is.....gay.
He came out to me about 4 months ago. It was here, at the duck pond when he told me. Around the same time at night.
I was shocked, but I understood.
He cried on my shoulders for hours and I hugged him until he felt better. He said that he wanted to kill himself and that he felt like no one loved or understood him. That hurt me really badly. It was like, I could feel his pain directly. Like I was him. But I wasn't I wasn't going through what he was.

Ever since then we've become even closer and he's grown farther apart from his real twin. He tried to tell him and Jaylan said to him to never mention that again. So, I'm gonna be there for Jylan, because he doesn't have anyone else to be there for him.

Now, I don't know if anyone else knows about you, but I see Jylan in you. And it scares me because I can directly feel your pain. I've become a different person because of my cousin. I use to make fun of gay people, but now I have a connection with them.

So I'm saying all this to say, that I love you and care about you Dante. And I want you to know that I am here for you. Lamonte got yo back aight? You are a good person. You're sweet, innocent, and sensitive. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's the way --ughm--- God made you.

Silence. I was overcome with a variety of emotions. And most of them were not good.

Lamonte: Dante.

I couldn't say anything.

Lamonte: Yo, you okay?

He reaches for me and grabs me on the shoulder.

Me: Ummm.....can you not touch me please?

Lamonte paused and stared at me and then took his hand away.

Lamonte: My bad. Did--I...say something wrong..or....

I just shook my head and took about 3 deep breaths and spoke.

Me: You don't understand.
Lamonte: I do under--
Me: NO YOU DON'T! [I said looking at him directly in the eyes]

As I looked him in the eyes this time....it was different. I felt a disconnect.

Me: I am not your cousin. I am not your twin. I am Dante.
Lamonte: I know, but my cousin is--
Me: You don't get it do you? I LIKE YOU! I think about you all the time Lamonte! All my Senior year! I could not focus being in the same class with you! Now, I know I'm not a female. I'm a guy! But...I don't know. I just like you for some reason. I'm so confused on why, but I do. I know it's not right...but it feels right. But I can't control you or anyone else on how you feel! And that's the part I think you don't get!
I--- I just-----I just want to go home. Okay? [I began to cry]

Lamonte: Dante...I'm sorry bro.

He reaches out to console me again, but this time I put my hand in front of him..signaling him to stop.

Me: I just don't need that right now. Not from you. [I said still crying]

Lamonte was speechless. He was also stunned. He didn't know what to do or how to react to this. But I didn't know how else to receive what he said to me. I just couldn't receive it. It wasn't what I wanted from him. But at the same time I felt selfish because it was what I actually NEEDED from him.

He starts the engine and takes me home.
As I began to climb out of his truck he spoke to me.

Lamonte: Yo Dan, call me anytime okay? I'm here for you buddy. Please don't ignore me. I want to be in your life.

I kinda paused, and then continued to climb out of the car.
I get out and close the door. He waits for me to go inside, but I didn't want to go inside.
I signal to him to just leave by waving at him.
He waves back and looks at me one more time and says something in the truck.
I just nod and wave again.

He pulls out of the driveway and leaves.

As I stood there, the wind starts to "blow".
I could feel it drying my tears.
It blew the paper out of my hands.
I watched it as it blew up towards the sky.
I watched as it drifted further away from me.
I felt like I was drifting away.
I look up at the overcast of clouds.
The wind began to blow again.
This time I could feel drops of water in the wind.

"Lord", forgive me for being selfish. I know that you've sent him in my life, but I--feel like I'm drifting away...like the wind.