[jrollaneres25]

Originally Posted by Bieselke

Not bad, I would mind the English sometimes (not the street language but keep it consistent through out then coo/cool and there was atleast one you're/your mistake)

Also the prepared dialogue between Lamonte and the main character was supposed to be romantic, why is it described later on as hilarious and classmates rollin?

But all in all, curious to read a next part

Thank you for your feedback. Before I take this to possibly become published, I really wanted feedback like you and Le Bon Vivant is giving. Could you grade each chapter for me with a number grade? That would be much appreciated!
Glad that you've taken a real interest in my story

[jrollaneres25]

Waiting to Inhale: Chapter 11 [Taking Chances]




I was kinda nervous to ask him.
Let me see.. How could I ask him this?

Lamonte: Yo, you were gonna ask me something?
Me: Yeah, my bad. I was trying to see how I should ask you.
Lamonte: Huh? Yo face this way.

Wow, should I ask him? Well I gotta take the chance.
I turn over.

Me: Hey, um.. remember when we finished our English assignment and we were talking in the parking lot about it?
Lamonte: Vaguely.

Gosh even in the dark he was so cute! I could see him raise his thick eyebrows in expectancy.

Me: Well...remember when...yo I can't even believe I'm even saying this.

I chuckled.

Lamonte: Yo, did you cheat on the paper or something? I mean, you DID write that stuff yourself right?
Me: No! No! I mean, yes I wrote that and no I didn't cheat.
Look, remember when you said, "I do got it going on."? And then you start dancing and stuff.

He paused for a minute to think. He scratched his head.

Me: You know, when..it was after we had talked and stuff. Lamonte you remember when you were daning boi! [I said in a more stern tone]
Lamonte: Yeah I remember being happy that we did good....OH YEAH!
I know what you're talking about! You mean when I danced and then I tripped over that rock and almost fell right?
Me: [In disbelief]....Naw, it was b4 that. It was when you said that you had it going on. What did you mean by that?
Lamonte: I mean, I felt like I had it going on ya know? Well, We had it goin on cuz we did good.
Me: [Sighed] Nevermind bro.
Lamonte: What? Am I missing something?
Me: Naw you good. Don't worry about it.
Lamonte: Naw! I wanna know what you talking about.
Me: It's nothing bro...really!
Lamonte:....aight. Well that was kinda strange, but whatever.
Me: [turning back over] Goodnight.
Lamonte: [taking a deep breath] Aight. You still gonna help me tomorrow..right?
Me: Yeah I got you.
Lamonte: Aight. Night Dante.

He turns back over facing away from me.

Wow maybe it's just a coincidence. I dunno. But whatever.
I look at my phone. 2:13am.
I noticed I had several text from my Brother Eric.

Eric: Yo, where are you? What happened to mom? Did you know she's in jail?
Hey bro answer me! I'm worried about you....I love you.

I text him back.

Me: Hey bro, I spent the night at my homeboys house. I couldn't stay at the house by myself. I'll call you first thing tomorrow okay?

I sat my phone down on the nightstand close to the bed.
I close my eyes and start thinking about all that happened today.
I drift.....


------DREAM-----------


There I was in school, in class.
The teacher was some dark brotha that looked mean.

Teacher: Harmon did you turn in your homework?
Me: Umm I don't--
Teacher: Come Here!

I get up from my desk and walk towards him.
He pulls out a lead pencil, clicks it twice, and starts to stab me in the arm with it.

Me: Aaoow!!!

I start running out of the class and all the students were lined up on either side of me with lead pencils stabbing me in the arms.
I finally made it out of the class room and ran down the hallway.
I noticed that I was on the second floor when the hallway winded into and opening where there was another class going on in a foyer type setting downstairs. I walk past that and head downstairs to go outside this strangely shaped school.
I heard my brother's voice, Eric, at the foot of the stairs. For some reason he sensed me coming and tried to hide from me before I got down the stairs. I went outside and yelled, "Eric I know you are out here".
He popped up behind me attempting to scare me, but failed.

Me: Haha! Too bad I knew you were out here.
Eric: Hey I'll race you to the car!
Me: Let's go!

We both darted for the parking lot. The only way you can get to the front of the school and to the parking lot is to go back into the school and go out the front door. Eric ran in the school, but I didn't.
I was determined to take another route and get there b4 he did.
Strangely the School was surrounded by a high fence with barbed-wire. Much like a prison ground. I was running pretty fast and thought I should just try to jump over the fence. So I jumped. Wow I jumped pretty high! I made it over the fence! While I was still in the air and was about to descend to the ground I thought to myself, "Hey I might as well stay in the air and start flying." So I did just that! I was Flying! I flew at a pretty high altitude, but not too high. I flew to where the parking lot was. Where's the car? I couldn't find it! So I started to descend and saw Eric. He was staring up at me in disbelief. As I Got closer to landing he said,

Eric: Hey how did you do that?
Me: Do what?
Eric: Fly?
Me: I don't know. I just detached myself from the gravity under my feet and just lifted myself in the air. See?

I demonstrated for him. I was off balance at first, but then regained it and began to fly. This is too Fun!

Eric: Hey teach me!!

So I began to teach him and he got the hang of it.

Me: Okay well, I gotta go now.
Eric: Where are you going?
Me: Home to my apartment.
Eric: Okay see you later.

I was aware that I had an apartment in Dallas..well I had a roommate. It was Taruy.

Me:Where's my car? I couldn't find it anywhere? Oh well, I'll just fly!

And that's exactly what I did. I took off and was flying at a pretty high altitude. I noticed how high I was because a plane flew by me and almost ran into me throwing me kilter. So I start flying a bit lower.
I looked down over Dallas and saw the Freeways. I could feel the cool air on my arms as I spread them out and used them as wings.
It felt soo good and Liberating.
It began to get a bit dark, but still some sunlight.
I thought I'd surface and use a payphone to call Taruy.
As I landed I saw a group of guys, about 7, and they were all staring at me. I walk over to the payphone to use it.

Guy#1: Hey foo, that's our spot!

They came over towards me.

Me: Hey I just wanted to use the payphone.
Guy#1: You can't unless you wit us. And clearly you not.
Guy#2: Hey isn't this foo da one that's gay?
Guy#3: Yea it shoo is! We saw you in da club tryna holla at DeCory!
Guy#1: Oh is that right? So you gon suck my d***k?
Me: Look, I don't want no trouble.

They all start pulling something out of their pockets.
They were led pencils! I started hearing a lot of clicking noises.

Guy#1: Look you gon either suck my d***k or we gon start stabbing you.

I just stared at them. Bad Move.
They all started stabbing me at once with the led pencils.
I immediately pushed them all off of me and took off....in the air!
I started flying as far away as I could from them when Suddenly I felt an arm wrap around my waist. I look down and see a familiar hand and arm around me? Who is this and this is so strange? Where's the body?


-------------

I wake up still facing the same way I was. Towards my phone on the nightstand. It was buzzing on silent. Shoot My alarm Clock! That stupid thing always goes of at 7am on Thursdays! Ugh!

Before I go to reach for it to turn it off I had a strange dream affect.
I could still feel that arm around my waist. I look down and..Lamonte!

Sure enough his arm was around my waist and suddenly I could feel his breath on my neck. He was right behind me! Wait...he's still sleep.
I could tell by his breathing patterns.
I could feel his breath and his arm around me, but I couldn't feel his body close. Strange. Wait all of this is too much!

I didn't know what to do! Should I wake him and tell him yo, get ur hands off of me!?
Or should I just gently grab his arm and take it off of me?
Should I just go back to sleep?
Did he do this on purpose? Was this just something he did while he was sleep?

I'm SO CONFUSED AS TO WHAT TO DO!!!

[jrollaneres25]

Waiting to Inhale: Chapter 12 [Reality]





Okay Calm down. I don't want to move too much.
I made the decision to just try and move his arm off of me.
If I try and it works, then maybe it was just an honest mistake.
But If I try and he pulls me closer, then...this is not good.

I looked down and examined his arm. Wow. So muscular, and his hands are almost twice the size as mine!
I kinda just wanted to lay there and enjoy this. I could feel myself getting turned on....no! What if his mom walks in on this! Or better yet, KIANNA! Okay I gotta make a move.

As I lifted up my arm to go for his, something happened.

Lamonte: Kianna...[yawn]

He lifts his arm straight in the air and starts mumbling gibberish.
Then he turns over and....goes back to sleep

Wow! That was a close one.
I reach for my cell phone and saw that it wasn't my alarm going off. It was a phone call.
Well actually 3 missed calls. Eric, Taruy, and...Kianna!
I waited a few minutes to let Lamonte enter in REM and then I got out of bed and decided to call Kianna first. I went into his closet and shut the door.

Kianna: Hey Dante.
Me: Hey what's up?
Kianna: How's everything going?
Me: Um..pretty good I guess. I'm hanging in there.
Kianna: Yes I heard. Lamonte told me what happened lastnight. Are you sure you're okay?
Me: No I'll be fine. This isn't the first time she's done this.
Kianna: So what are you gonna do?
Me: I don't know yet. I mean, I'll figure something out.
Kianna: Well I'm on my way over there in like an hour or so.
Me: Over to...my house?
Kianna: No silly! To Lamonte's house. Isn't that where you are right now?
Me: Oh, yeah my bad. Yeah I'm over here.
Kianna: I need to talk to Lamonte, but I also need to talk to you too.
Me: Oh Really?
Kianna: Yes. I'll see you later cutie.
Me: [confused] Oo--okay.
Kianna: [CLICK]

That was strange. Wonder what this is all gonna be about?

Next I call my brother back.

Eric: Dante.
Me: Yes?
Eric: You okay?
Me: Yup I am. You good?
Eric: oh yeah, I mean. I'm at my dads. I just want you to know that if it were up to me, you could stay with us...but--
Me: Naw it's cool. I'll figure things out bro. Hey I'mma call you back okay? I gotta call Taruy and then granny.
Eric: Yeah. Hey I love you.
Me: I love you more bro. Tell your dad I said hello.
Eric: For sure.
Me: [Click]

Man I'm gonna miss my brother.
I called Taruy.

Me: Hello?
Taruy: I said hello like 3 times!
Me: Oh I didn't hear. It must be the reception or something.
Taruy: Where you at? [with an attitude]
Me: Oh I'm at a homeboy's house.
Taruy: Homeboy? [Laughing] Boy stop talking like that! You ain't got no homeboys! You ain't a thug!
Me: Taruy, shut up! Dain! You know what I mean!
Taruy: Naaww!![ in a high-pitched tone] I don't! Who is he?
Me: It's one of my high-school friends. I spent the night over here.
Taruy: You spent the night? Hmmm...something a lil' fishy..
Me: Shut up boy, it ain't even like that. We're just friends and he gotta girlfriend.
Taruy: Oh really...[sarcastically] Okay. Well you do what you do.
Me: Ugh! Watever. So what's up? What you call for?
Taruy: WHAT I CALL FOR!? [Extra sassy] I can't just call you!?
Me: [laughing] No! No! I mean what's up? I saw that you called me so I was just calling you back! [still laughing]
Taruy: Now That's better! [still being sassy]
Me: Oh Watever! [getting louder]
Taruy: Well anyways I was just calling to check up on you. Did Deacon Brown call you lastnight?
Me: Oh yeah, he did. He accused me of "Putting my lips on his son".
Taruy: Why he say that?
Me: Jarian. Just lying tryna cover himself. I don't blame him though. I mean his father is Scary!
Taruy: Mmmhmm I'd be doing the same thang. Lying right out my teeth!
Me: Speaking of...why did you sit there and lie on me to Pastor Damien?
Taruy: What you mean Lie? I told him what you told me?
Me: I told you HE KISSED ME! I did not kiss him!
Taruy: I don't believe it! [getting sassy again]

I start laughing! I couldn't help myself. Taruy was naturally funny..and an infectious person to be around. He had a naturally high-pitched voice.
I mean honestly he sounded like a woman! But I was already use to it because I've been knowing him for years. And by the way, he is ULTRA smart! And very manipulative I must say.

Taruy: So you telling me that when he kissed you, you just stood there?
Me: Well, no..but--
Taruy: Didn't think so!
Me: But that's not what I told you Boi!
Taruy: Oh I got yo boi! I got yo boi!

I started laughing again. He is soo funnty!

Me: Ugh! Whatever! He said that he wanted to see us at the church on Saturday.
Taruy: Us? Oh No, no no no. I won't be attending that gathering.
Me: Why not?
Taruy: I mean, I am coming back on Friday, but I'm not in that!?
Me: Well that's what he said.
Taruy: Ugh! [he starts mumbling under his breath]
Me: [laughing] u mad?
Taruy: Hell yea I'm mad! But it's okay I know what I'm gonna say so...

The door to the closet flung open. Lamonte just stared at me rubbing his eyes.

Lamonte: You alright Dante?

His voice was extra deep. And sexy. Dain! He sounded very barbaric in the morning.

Lamonte: I didn't know what happened to you man don't scare me like that.
Me: Yeah I'm okay I'm sorry [I said chuckling]
I just wanted to take these missed calls and I didn't wanna wake you up.
Lamonte: Next time don't worry about it. You can talk on the phone while I'm sleep. I'm a heavy sleeper bruh. I don't get affected my that.

Taruy: OOoooo who is that!? [sounding very lady-like] Omg is that Lamonte:
Me: Uh-yeah.
Taruy: MMhmmm.......[sounding like he was chewing something]
Lamonte: Aight, I'm about to get up and go.
Me: Taruy I'mma call you back okay?
Taruy: Yes honey, handle yo man honey!
Me: Shut up! [Click]

Me: My bad, now what were you saying?
Lamonte: I'm about to bounce. You ready? We gotta go to the Mall and get something for Kianna.
Me: Oh wait. Kianna said that she was on her way over here.
Lamonte: She what? Was that her on the phone?
Me: Naw it was Taruy..
Lamonte: Wait a minute, that gay dude that went to our school?

Uh-oh. I didn't know what to say. I felt a great deal of discomfort come over me.

Me: Yeah him. He goes to my church and we're in the choir and is in the same youth group and everything. He called me, my brother Eric, and Kianna called me. So I was just returning their calls.

Lamonte: [paused].....oh. Well what did Kianna say?
Me: I guess you told her about me and what happened lastnight and that i was coming over here and--
Lamonte: Oh yeah I sho did. Dain! When did she say she'd be here>
Me: She said in an hour, but that was like 45 minutes ago.
Lamonte: Shhhhooot. Let me get ready. This messes up everything!
Me: Hey Lamonte, she said she has to talk to us...
Lamonte: Us? You mean me right?
Me: Naw...she said you, but then she said me too.
Lamonte: did you tell her what we talked about?
Me: Oh no. I did not.

There was a moment of silence and awkwardness.

Lamonte: Why would she say that?

I could tell his brain was going like 90mph.

Lamonte: I guess we'll find out when she get's here.

My mind went back to when Lamonte had his arm around my waist in bed.
Should I mention it? No, especially not now. Things are really interesting at the moment.

As he was pacing back and forth, cleaning up and finding clothes to wear, I called my granny to tell her what was going on.

Me: Granny?
Granny: Hey Dante. You okay?
Me: Yes Ma'am I'm fine. I guess you know what happened.
Granny: Yes I do. I had to report my car stolen cause she took off in it without me knowing. I couldn't even go to work lastnight. The Police found my car in Odersy.

Odersy was the city right next to my city Midground. It was about 20 minutes away.

Me: [shaking my head] Granny, what can we do with her?
Granny: There's nothing we can do, but to just give her to the Lord.
I'm gonna continue praying and expecting God to deliver her from this because she has no control whatsoever.

Lamonte: Hey, I'm about to jump in the shower aight? Lemme know if Kianna is here. I'mma leave the door unlocked if you need to use the Restroom.
Me: Aight.

Granny: You know Dante, let me tell you this, don't you go out to this world thinking you know it all and can trust everyone. Cause you can't. You gotta stay in that Word and gird yourself up, because the Enemy is not playing! He tryna destroy Shelly and I ain't gon let that happen!

Me: I know Granny, I'mma keep praying too [holding back tears].

There was a knock at the door.

Me: Granny I gotta go Love you!
Granny: Love you too--
Me: [CLICK]

3 Knocks again. I go to open the door. It's Kianna.

Kianna: I didn't want to walk in on you two getting dressed and all.
Me: Oh no I wouldn't do that in here lol. I always go to the bathroom. I don't even do that in front of my own family.

We laughed a little.

Kianna: Well you ain't everybody. One time I came over here, and I opened the door without knocking. Lamonte and Kardar was like naked and I saw some things I shouldn't have. She laughed again.

Me: Wow how embarrassing. You see, that's why you go to the bathroom. But dudes are dudes I guess.

Kianna: You see, that's why I like you. [she moved closer to me]
Me: O--oh r-rr-really?
Kianna: Yeah you're different from all the other guys. And that's why I wanted to come and talk to the BOTH of You. But you know what, I really don't have time to be playing these games with Lamonte. Where is he?
Me: He's in the shower. He should be out in a minute..
Kianna: Well I don't have a minute. You just tell him this. Me and him, are through! I think I found someone else in my life that actually cares for me. [she stares at me]
Me: So...are you breaking up with him?
Kianna: Yes this is true!
Me: Wait, you can't do that!
Kianna: Listen, I don't have time for this, just call me okay sexy? Bye!
Me: Bu--

I couldn't stop her. She was gone. What Am I supposed to do?
I gotta tell Lamonte! And I gotta tell him everything!

I go downstairs and into the bathroom.
I could still hear the shower running. Good! He's still in there.
I knock.

Lamonte: Kianna? Is that you baby?
Me: Naw It's me bro.
Lamonte: Oh what's up?
Me: Well listen--
Lamonte: Come in the Bathroom Dante. I can barely hear you.

I turn the knob and walk in slowly and shut the door gently behind me.

Me: Can you hear me now?

I hear the water go off in the shower. The shower curtains fling open.

Lamonte: I can hear you now.

[SwingVolley93]

[ranfurly]

It aint no Jane Austen, but it's tolerable.

[Ryan]

I've edited short stories for my buddies before, probably why I started reading. Not the type of story I was expecting, it definitely seems like a screen play more than anything.

Grammar, like people pointed out before, is a bit sloppy in parts but thats easy to fix. Conversation is believable, not really forced and doesn't sound fake.

Biggest thing I'd suggest working on, is fleshing out the people/characters more. Think of novels you read, and characteristics that you want your character's to have - do they talk with their hands? How do they stand? Try and work in some mannerisms and descriptions of what people do while they're walking - no one has a conversation standing with their arms at the side. Also try to work in inflection, emotion of the people talking - like with Kianna breaking up with Lamonte, was she angry/pissed/sad?

Do you have any favourite authors? Couldn't hurt to re-read some of their stuff to get an idea of how they describe their characters - whether its a short story or screen play, you've got to help your readers picture who the people are, how they act etc. You can probably do that more effectively than listing off their height and weight.

Anyway, my 2 cents. The last Chapter makes me think this will turn into a porno. At least throw in some girl-on-girl, eh?

[jrollaneres25]

Originally Posted by Ryan

I've edited short stories for my buddies before, probably why I started reading. Not the type of story I was expecting, it definitely seems like a screen play more than anything.

Grammar, like people pointed out before, is a bit sloppy in parts but thats easy to fix. Conversation is believable, not really forced and doesn't sound fake.

Biggest thing I'd suggest working on, is fleshing out the people/characters more. Think of novels you read, and characteristics that you want your character's to have - do they talk with their hands? How do they stand? Try and work in some mannerisms and descriptions of what people do while they're walking - no one has a conversation standing with their arms at the side. Also try to work in inflection, emotion of the people talking - like with Kianna breaking up with Lamonte, was she angry/pissed/sad?

Do you have any favourite authors? Couldn't hurt to re-read some of their stuff to get an idea of how they describe their characters - whether its a short story or screen play, you've got to help your readers picture who the people are, how they act etc. You can probably do that more effectively than listing off their height and weight.

Anyway, my 2 cents. The last Chapter makes me think this will turn into a porno. At least throw in some girl-on-girl, eh?

Haha, it won't be porn

And thank you for your input. I really appreciate it a whole lot!

[jrollaneres25]

Waiting to Inhale: Chapter 13 [Confusion]




Me: Yo, bro what's you deal! (I cover my eyes and turn away)
Lamonte: What? We're dudes bro. You ain't never been in a locker room or in a school shower wit other dudes?
Me: Naw bro I hadn't. Hey,(heading for the door) I'll just meet you up in your room.

He grabs for me.

Lamonte: Naw Dante, you ain't gotta do all that. Look. is that better?

I was still halfway covering my eyes. I turned towards him and noticed that he had a towel wrapped around him covering himself up.
I was a little better, but still very uncomfortable.

Me: I mean it's a little better, but I still just prefer to talk to you with some clothes on.
Lamonte: Dante man, you act like you brand new. If I didn't know you already I would think you were scared to look at men, or gay. But Now I know it's just you. I mean, there's an innocence about you man. I don't wanna mess that up. I like that about you.

By this time I was looking him straight in the eyes.
I noticed that his eyes were browner than I had previously thought.
This was actually the first time I actually stared him in the eyes.
I was lost. It was almost he had me in a trance.

Lamonte: DANTE!
Me: Oh--my bad. Wow...[I started blinking rapidly and looked down]
Lamonte: Yo, why were you staring at me like that?
Me: Well, truth is... is..that... I....
Lamonte: Yeah...?
Me: I.....don't think you should be dating Kianna.
Lamonte: What!? Why you say that?
Me: Umm....Lamonte. Let me talk to you upstairs after you're done in here because this is very uncomfortable for me right now.

I turn around and turn the knob to go out.
He quickly lunged forward and put his big hand over mine.

Lamonte: No! you tell me why you said that!

I turn to face him and notice that his towel fell.
Wow! I saw it! Damn this is the end of me! I started to feel myself get on hard so I just flopped myself on the bathroom floor and put my hands over my face.

Lamonte: Dante! Yo talk to me!
Me: I--I....Lamonte I can't do this!
Lamonte: Do what!? Did she come over here while I was in the shower?
Did she say something to you!? TELL ME Dante!!

By then he had reached down to get me to look at him.
OMG!! I wish he would stop touching me!

Me: Lamonte! NOOOO!!1 [I squirmed]
Lamonte: Okay, okay! My bad! I ain't tryna rape you nigga. I just want to know what's going on. Can you please tell me?
Me: First, put your towel back on.

He wraps it back around his waist, still holding it up.

Me: Now let me go back up to your room and let you finish getting dressed.
Lamonte: Dante!
Me: Lamonte I'm serious! That's the only way or otherwise I stay like this balled up.
Lamonte: okay, okay.

I get up slowly and tried to disguise my rise as best as I can. I got out of that bathroom quickly. Whew!
That' was waaaaay too close! I mean I've never been with a dude before, so I wouldnt know what to do! Jarian doesn't count! This is waay different!
AND HE'S STRAIGHT!

I walk up to his room and just tried to collect myself. All this confusion! I almost couldn't stand it! I heard my phone go off a couple of times.
My mind drifted....

Lamonte swung the door open and slammed it shut.

Lamonte: Listen Dante. You're gonna tell me what Kianna said or else...
Me: Or else what??

He Pushes me on the bed.

Me: Dude what's your problem?
Lamonte: Shut up!

He climbs on top of me and covers my mouth.

Me: What are you doing Lamonte? [I mumbled in his hand]
Lamonte: [his voice softer] You think I'm stupid Dante?

He moves his mouth closer to my ear. His voice deepened.

Lamonte: I saw how you was looking at me in the bathroom. And I saw that you liked me. Don't think I didn't
Me: Lamonte, I don't know what you're talking about! Can you please get off of me? [I mumbled under his hand]
Lamonte: Not until you tell me the truth lil' mama.
Me: Dude you're heavy! I can't breathe!

I bite the palm of his hand.

Lamonte: Ouch!

I tried to get free, but he was too strong. He grabbed my arms and pinned me on the bed. Now I was looking straight up at him.
Lamonte: Oh, so you want it like that!? Rough? That's how you like it?
Me: Lamonte Please!? What are you doing?
Lamonte: Baby, I'm just trying to get you to like me.
Me: I do--but
Lamonte: So you do like me, huh?
Me: Wait a minute--

He cuts me off mid sentence and starts to kiss me, still pinning me down.
I couldn't resist. His sex appeal was too great. I gave in. I released all the tension in my body and he laid on top of me grinding me with our clothes on. And then he--

Lamonte swung the door open.
I turn around as he was closing the door. I could tell he was serious.

Lamonte: Dante what's going on? What did Kianna say?
Me: Dude, she is trippin. What did you do to her?
Lamonte: Nothing! What did she say!? [raising his voice]

Damn he sounded sexy raising his voice, but it was intimidating at the same time. I can see how the other dudes would be afraid of him, but I know he wouldn't never hurt me.

Me: She basically came in and said she didn't wanna be with you.

He stood there. A minute passed. Then another.
Me: Lamonte you okay bro?
Lamonte: I--yeah. I don't get it.

This was turning to be a crazy Thursday from the jump.

Me: Say, if this makes you feel any better, I don't think she deserves you bro. I mean, she clearly is delusional if she--
Lamonte: Yo she gotta be tryna get me back. Yeah that's it. She's just tryna get me to come begging to her bro. But you know what? I'm not falling for it this time. I didn't do anything wrong! I never cheated on her or never been dishonest with her. SHE DID! She was the one that got caught kissing Kardar. I almost strangled that dude to death. And I was the one that gave her a second chance. Naw...naw. If she wants to be with me, she's gonna have to come to me.

Man he was really sprung on this girl.

Me: Listen, I'm so sorry bro that this is happening to you. If you ask me, I think you should just let her go because like I said, she's the one that would be at a loss. Hey, I'm gonna go by my house and check on some things okay?
Lamonte: Oh..yea go ahead. You can come back over tonight if you need. Hey text me if you're not too busy. I still want to play some tennis later on if you're free.
Me: Okay deal. I'll text you later. Can I leave my bag here?
Lamonte: Sure bruh. I'll put it in my closet. Say, you're a good friend Dante. I'm glad that you my nig and you lookn out for me.
Me: Yeah man, that's what friends are for.

We dapped and he walked me to my car.

Lamonte: Say I wanna play later aight? I need to get my mind off of all this.
Me: I got you, I got you.

I pull out and drive off. Oh man! That was something else!
I can't get Lamonte's penis out of my mind.
Man I gotta get him outta my mind. This is too much. I'm only gonna confuse myself more cause I know he ain't even like that.

I check my phone and saw 4 missed calls and 5 text msgs.

2 msgs from Kianna.

Kianna: Hey let's meet up later. I gotta talk to you.
Hey Dante. Talk and Tennis?

I thought it be best to ignore her text and remove myself from the middle of what's going on.

A text from a number I didn't know.

Unknown: He Dante I'm sorry. I really Am.

I decided to come back to that.

2 text from my older brother Greg.

Greg: Hey Where you at? I tried to get into the house lastnight.
Dante where are you?

I noticed that the 4 missed calls where from him too.
I called him back.

Greg: Where are you?
Me: I'm on my way to the house to feed the dog and get everything ready to put in storage at the end of the month.
Greg: Wait what? Why?
Me: Mom is in jail again. And this time she gon be there for a while. Can't nobody afford the rent here, so I gotta pack everything up and I'm gon move with granny. You gon help me?
Greg: Hell naw! What ya'll do to momma?
Me: Greg We didn't do nothing! Why it always gotta be our fault?
Greg: Watever! Where are you at now? I'm sitting outside waiting to get in. I need a shower!

As he was saying that I pulled up in the driveway.
Me: I'm here.
Greg: [Click]

I step out of the car and looked at my phone. 12:45pm

Greg: boi come unlock this door! I almost broke in the house. But I can't do that cause I'm on probation.
Me: Alright! hold ya horses.

I didn't wanna piss my brother off. He has a short fuse and he's way bigger than me. 6'2 and about 210. All muscle. He's 22 and still has the mind of a teenager. No control over his emotions whatsoever.

Greg: Let me use your bathroom bro.
Me: Sure. The Irish Spring Soap bars are in the Cabinet and you know where the towels are right?
Greg: I ain't dumb nigga yeah!
Me: Well hurry up and get in that shower because you is mirsty! [I said as I was covering my nose jokingly]

He pushed me and I pushed him back. He grabbed me.

Greg: Boi--
Me: [laughing] Okay okay! You win...

He started laughing.

Greg: Cause You know what it is. [he said as he walked down the hall towards my room.

Greg would always threaten to hit me, but he never has. He loves me, but he has a tough exterior. I'm probably the only one that can play with him like that and get away with it.
I also can say I love him and sometimes he'll say it back to me. He doesn't even do that with moms. Well I understand why.

I started to walked towards the backyard to feed my dog princess when I heard the doorbell ring.

Who is this? Hm...probably the neighbors. They probably notice my brother and just wanted to check and see if everything is alright. I have really good white neighbors.

I opened the door and....Kardar.
Kardar: What's up Dante! [He said in a nice sarcastic voice]

He invited himself in and pushed me out the way.

Me: What are you doing? How you know where I live?
Kardar: What you think I'm here for your gay ass? I'm here cause yo bro Greg told me to meet him here.
Me: Oh..well come in.

I really didn't want to invite him in.

Kardar: But I do got some beef to settle with you.

He grabs me by the neck.

[Moveyourfeet]

Can someone please write about educated young black men?
PLEASE

[le bon vivant]

Originally Posted by Moveyourfeet

Can someone please write about educated young black men?
PLEASE

I would if I was good at creative writing.

[Cage]

Really not to bad i like your dialog its really fluid. As far as the English side, Try to use a little more writing techniques to show off some of your skills. I think if you structure some more alliteration , metaphors and similes into some of the filler paragraphs will boost them up a little. Other wise really good i wanna finish it

[jrollaneres25]

Originally Posted by Cage

Really not to bad i like your dialog its really fluid. As far as the English side, Try to use a little more writing techniques to show off some of your skills. I think if you structure some more alliteration , metaphors and similes into some of the filler paragraphs will boost them up a little. Other wise really good i wanna finish it

Wow thank you so much. I really wasn't all about being correct on everything. I just wanted it to just come out. I can work on proofing it later

[jrollaneres25]

Waiting to Inhale: Chapter 14 [Pain]





I grabbed his arm and yelped for help.

Kardar: Yeah what I tell you about Kianna huh?

He let me go and I fall to the floor gasping for air.

Kardar: You don't think I know what's going on? Kianna is mine!

He slapped me on the head.

Kardar: I've been working hard tryna get her and Lamonte to call it quits, and I'm not gon let you ruin this for me!

He went to kick me, when suddenly I saw him fly across the room.

Greg: What the f***k you doin puttin your hands on my brother dawg!

I've haven't seen Greg this angry since that one time before he went to jail.
He just got out a couple of months ago after being in there for 2 years for brutality. He actually got out early on Parole. He was sentenced to do more time. He doesn't like the word Parole, so he says probation.
I gotta stop this or my brother will only see red.

Kardar: Yo brother tryna steal my girl Greg!
Greg: I don't care you don't put yo hands on my brother b***h!

Greg started kicking him over and over. Uh-oh I gotta Stop Him!

Me: Greg Stop!

He didn't hear me. I jump over and try to grab him. He pushes me away.
I gotta do this. I ran full force and tackled my brother to the ground.

Greg: What The F***k!

I looked him dead in the eyes

Me: Greg Look at me!

I could tell he was fuming. This was a risk because my brother can shift his rage towards me at any moment.

Me: Greg no! Look at me! I Don't want you to go back to jail.
Greg: I don't give a f***k! Get off Me!
Me: Greg I love you! I don't want you go back there! Think Greg! Think!!!

I could feel the tension release gradually from his body and he eventually let me go.
I let him up in caution and we both looked at Kardar on the floor still holding his stomach.
I go to Kardar to check on him. Greg followed.

Me: Bro, no! Go and finish your shower, I got it from here okay?
Greg: You let me know if that nigga put his hands on you again.
Me: Go! Go! [As I signaled him to leave]

Greg took another long glare at Kardar, then proceeded to my room.

Me: Kardar, you okay?

I reach out and touch him on the shoulder.

Kardar: Get yo gay hands off of me!

He shoves me and realizes that he was still injured then grimaced and let out an angry yell.

Me: Hey! Dude let me help you!
Kardar: Man, tell yo brother I'mma come back later for his ass!
Me: What you mean?
Kardar: Naw not like that! I mean I'm gonna pick him up later. Tell him. naw, I'll text him. Just leave me alone I'm alright. Don't touch me.

He get's up and limps to the door. And then leaves.

Amazingly nothing was damaged but a eating tray that was laid out by the couch. There however, was some blood on the carpet. Shucks!

I clean that up and start getting things ready for storage.
My brother leaves and reiterates what he said about Kardar.
For the rest of the day I spent packing things and boxing things up.
Fed the dog and checked my phone for the time. 5:26pm
I thought to myself, I guess Lamonte doesn't want to play today.

Just as I was saying that I got a text msg. Oh this must be Lamonte.

Unknown Number: Dante, did you get my text?
Me: Who is this?
Jarian: This Jarian. I'm sorry for what happened lastnight.
Me: oh no it's my fault. I shouldn't have told Taruy what happened.
Jarian: Wait, you didn't tell Pastor?
Me: No I didn't, why would I do that?
Jarian: Why did you tell Taruy? You know he don't like me.
Me: I don't know. It was stupid. I thought I could trust him.
Jarian: Well I gotta go, I'm not even suppose to be on my phone.
Me: Okay I'll see you Saturday?
Jarian: No I'm not allowed to go to church either.
Me: Huh? I thought your dad said you would be there...
Jarian: He changed his mind. He just want to talk to you and Taruy.
So that's why he wants to talk to Taruy? Cause he told my dad?
Me: I don't know who told you dad. But oh-well. I just want this all to end.

I didn't get a response.
I thought to myself, I need to just pray for a minute.

"Lord, I'm sorry that I haven't been the best. I need You. I need You to make sense out of all that's going on. I don't want to be gay! I don't want to like dudes, especially if it's going to be like this! Why Lord? Why do I like dudes? Please take this desire away from me!"

I gotta text message. Lamonte.

Lamonte: So we still on?
Me: Sure. Where are you?
Lamonte: I'm on my way to the tennis courts.
Me: Oh okay, I'll be there in 20. Get us a court.
Lamonte: 20? Okay I will. Hurry bro.

I jumped in the shower and took a quick 10 minute one.
I got in my tennis gear and headed to the tennis courts.

When I arrived he was there sitting on an empty court. There weren't many people out.
He looked so cute in his somewhat tennis shorts and head band.

Lamonte: I tried to dress tennisee.
Me: Haha good job.

We started and he was really focused. He was actually picking it up alot quicker than I expected him to.
I decided to get him to practice hitting on the wall and concentrate on his positioning.

Me: Are you okay?
Lamonte: Yeah...oh about Kianna? Yeah-yeah. It's coo.
Me: Well Kardar came to my house today.
Lamonte: really? What for?
Me: Well I guess him and my brothers are cool. But he attacked me.

Lamonte abruptly stopped.

Lamonte: WHAT!?
Me: Hey calm down! Calm down![I said laughingly]
Lamonte: Naw what happen Dan!

Wait, did he just call me Dan(pronoounced "Don-or-Dawn")??
Deitra is the only person to ever call me that!

Me: Well, um he grabbed me by the neck and started choking me.
Lamonte: The F***k! [He throws his tennis racket down]
Me: Monty calm down now! [I decided since we're creating nicknames for each other then I should try ]
Me: My brother almost killed him cause he saw what was going on, but I broke it up. Everything is fine don't worry about that.
Lamonte: Oh[he calms and picks up his racket]
Me: It's what he said that disturbed me. He thought that I was trying to get with Kianna so he told me to stay away from her. Actually, I saw him yesterday here and he threatened me with the same lingo.
He said that She was his woman.

Lamonte paused. I saw his face turn from being attentive right back to being really upset.

Lamonte: I knew it! That b***h still f***kin my girl! Aww Hell Naw!

He storms off the court to get his stuff to leave.

Me: Wait, where are you going?
Lamonte: I'm about to f***k him up Dan.

I run in front of him and hold my hands out.

Me: Wait Monty! Wait!

He tries to walk around me, but I get in the way.

Lamonte: Dante, move out of my way. Now!
Me: Wait--listen to me.
Lamonte: I don't have time for this Dante. Now I care about you, but right not you're in the way.
Me: Lamonte, just listen for one second.

Lamonte pushes me out the way, hard. I stumble and fall to the ground.

Me: Lamonte PLEASE DON'T!! IT'S NOT WORTH IT! JUST LET IT BE!! PLEASE BRO! I DON'T WANT YOU IN JAIL OR WORSE! PLEASE!

He paused for a moment, and then kept walking.
There was nothing I can do. I'm out of my league when it comes down to that stuff. And I wasn't about to tackle him.
i just prayed right there in that moment to protect Lamonte. I really didn't want anything bad to happen to him. I care about him too much.

I get up and gather my things. This has not been a good day.
8:09pm. I just want to go home, lock myself in my room, and not be bothered.

I get into my car and I saw 3 missed calls and 1 text msg.
Eric, Necee, and Kianna.
The text was also from Kianna.

Kianna: [7:20pm]Please stay away from Kardar! He is acting erratic and I'm afraid for you!
Me: What do you mean?
Kianna: I told him that I don't want to be with him, but I want to be with you, and now he is enraged! Please be careful Dante!

I did not text back. I'm definitely about to go home and just lock the doors and stay away from everyone. I also need to text my brother Greg and tell him what she said. I did that and got no response.

I drive out of the parking Lot and put on some Mali Music. "Conquerors" I love this song! Then I thought that I need to call my brother back.
I turn the music down.

Eric: Hey bro, where you at?
Me: I'm on my way to the house. What's up?
Eric: Oh nothing. I was just over there. I saw that you start packing up stuff for storage. Did Greg help you?
Me: Naw you know he didn't.
Eric: Well I figured so I started packing my room up and helped a little in the living room.
Me: Thanks bro.
Eric: Yeah, and you can spend the night tonight at my dads if you want. I know you don't want to be in that house by your lonesome.
Me: Naw it's cool. I'm gon chill in my room. I got to be alone and empty my mind of some things bro.
Eric: Okay. I might come back later to check up on you. I'll see if I can use my dads van.
Me: Okay.
Eric: Bye [Click]

I get home. Sure enough Eric did what he said. And a lot more than I thought. The living room was practically boxed up. All I needed to do was get the couches out when I start moving things. Thanks Eric!

I go into my room and look at the clock on the wall. 9:15pm

I plopped on the bed and just laid there staring at the ceiling.
Wow it feels so good to be back in my own full-size bed.

I turn on the tv and finished watching Survivor.
This night will just be about me and getting my mind off things and people.
I thought I watch a feel good movie. "Despicable Me". Yes I'll pop that right in the DVD player and watch it while eating Doritos.

I walk to the kitchen to get some snack and my phone started going off.
Text msg. Ugh! I don't want to be bothered.
I look at my phone and see that it was from Lamonte

Lamonte10:02pm] Hey man u busy
Me: Naw What's up?

RING! RING!

Me: Sup Lamonte?
Lamonte: Dan, I just want to apologize for pushing you. Are you okay?
Me: Yo, I'm fine. I got that I was in your way and that you were angry. And besides, it was just a push.
Lamonte: Naw farreal I can't believe I got that angry. And I shouldn't have did that bro.
Me: Man you good! Don't sweat it!
Lamonte: Hey I talked to Kianna bro. And hey, I did not go after Kardar. I was on my way over to his house though. I was gonna surprise that nigga, but I thought about what you said. So I just drove home.
Me: Good, I'm glad [as I crunched on a chip]
Lamonte: But yea, I talked to Kianna bro. She confessed everything. And you're right bro, I don't need her. But I gotta ask you something...
Me: Okay, what is it? [I still was standing in the kitchen snacking]
Lamonte: I really don't want to ask you this on the phone cause I want to see your face while you're saying this. I gotta know you're not lying to me.
Me: [chuckling] Okay that's cool. But I'm not leaving my house tonight bro.
Lamonte: I figured, especially after Kianna told me that Kardar is tryna hurt you.
Me: Oh she did?
Lamonte: Yea, so I was wondering if I could come over there.
Me: I mean sure, it's kinda late but--
Lamonte: Plus, I need to bring you your bag.
Me: Well okay. Come on.
Lamonte: Aight. [Click]

Wow, Lamonte is coming over. I'll be alone in a house with him.
I don't know if I can handle that. WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING! Lamonte is not like that! UGH!

I get my bowl of Doritos and Rice Krispy Treats and a couple of Gatorades.
Lamonte should be here in 15 mintes cause that's how long it takes to get here.

I leave the kitchen and was headed towards the room when I heard the doorbell----

[Smitten]

A local Tyler Perry farce. Get the hell out of here and retake elementary English. Dipwad.

[moby]

TL;DR. Have they had sex yet?