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  Topic Review (Newest First)
Sep 7th, 2015 02:25 AM
Re: Jokes?

A married couple has lived trapped on a deserted island for more than 5 years when one day another man also has washed up on shore

it was the first time the couple had seen anyone in a long time so they were very excited, and quickly the wife and the new guy were very attracted to each other

so with the new guy recently arriving they thought that they might send a rescue search party for him, they all decided somebody should walk to the top of a cliff that overlooks the beach to get a better long distance view

the new guy has first watch and he goes up the cliff while the married couple do regular chores on the beach

a while into his watch, the guy screams down to the them "STOP HAVING SEX, I CAN SEE YOU AND ITS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE", the married couple were confused and they shouted back "WE ARENT HAVING SEX"

30 minutes later again the new man screams out "STOP HAVING SEX", and again the married man is annoyed "WE ARENT HAVING SEX YOU IDIOT"

finally after about an hour the man again screams "STOP HAVING SEX", and the married man wanted to go up there and slap him

so a few hours later the married man decides to take over watching on the cliff

after a little while he looks down to check on his wife and says to himself "wow that guy was right, from up here it really does look like they are having sex....."
Sep 7th, 2015 01:54 AM
Helen Lawson
Re: Jokes?

Why did the Valley Girl take two birth control pills?

For sure, for sure!
Aug 20th, 2015 01:51 PM
Re: Jokes?

Aug 20th, 2015 01:31 PM
Re: Jokes?

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
Jul 11th, 2015 09:52 PM
Re: Jokes?

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
Jul 7th, 2015 09:33 PM
Helen Lawson
Re: Jokes?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Jul 7th, 2015 05:30 PM
Perpetual Scrub
Re: Jokes?

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Jul 7th, 2015 05:27 PM
Perpetual Scrub
Re: Jokes?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

Q: What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
Jul 7th, 2015 05:24 PM
Perpetual Scrub
Re: Jokes?

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
Jun 20th, 2015 02:54 AM
Helen Lawson
Re: Jokes?

Where did Michael Jackson go to college?
Bringum Young University!!
Jun 20th, 2015 01:12 AM
Perpetual Scrub
Re: Jokes?

Originally Posted by Balltossovic View Post
Cop to prostitute "Tell me when you first realised you'd been raped"

Prostitute to Cop "When the check bounced officer"

Originally Posted by Balltossovic View Post
a blond a brunette, and a redhead were trapped on a cannibal island. the cannibals told them that if they could stick ten pieces of fruit up their butts they could go free. The brunette uses apples gets to eight and says "ouch! this is really starting to hurt" so the cannibals eat her. The redhead uses grapes gets to nine and bursts out in laughter, so the cannibals eat her. up in heaven the brunette asks the redhead"why did you start laughing you would've made it?" the redhead replies" i saw the blond trying to use pineapples"
Originally Posted by Balltossovic View Post
A blond was sitting at her table doing a puzzle. she was getting really frustrated and yells at her boyfriend to come over and help her. she says "it's supposed to look like a tiger, but none of the pieces seem to fit together at all!" so he comes over to take a look. he says" calm down honey, let's clean up these frosted flakes, and go buy you a real puzzle."

Originally Posted by InsideOut. View Post
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were stuck on a desert island.

Getting desperate, the brunette told the other two that she was going to try to swim to the mainland. But she had only got to a quarter of the distance to the mainland when she got very tired. So she drowned.

Since the brunette had not returned, the redhead decided to try herself. Halfway to the mainland, she was so overcome with fatigue that she too drowned in the sea.

The blonde decided to try herself after a few more days since it was very boring on the island. Having swum three-quarters of the way to the mainland, she felt very tired.

'Oh dear, I'll never get there,' she said sadly.

So she swam back.

Jun 18th, 2015 04:35 PM
Re: Jokes?

Originally Posted by Balltossovic View Post
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1 000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get Lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the kings underwear. The king immediately summoned Nick.
King and queen should be switched for the readers of this forum
Jun 18th, 2015 04:07 PM
CiCi Robson
Re: Jokes?

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Yo mama's so fat, not even Dora can explore her.

(This one's quite old so I apologise in advance! )
After investigation, scientists have concluded that there are 3 main sources responsible for the disappearance of children in Africa, they are:
Disease, famine and Madonna.
Jun 17th, 2015 03:03 PM
Re: Jokes?

What do you call 2 Spanish firemen?

Jose and Hose B
Jun 17th, 2015 01:11 PM
Re: Jokes?

Originally Posted by The Walking Bye View Post
Why did the scarecrow do well in University?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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