LRC and Last Flight Archive/Melbourne '05 -
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LRC and Last Flight Archive/Melbourne '05

Posted Mar 16th, 2009 at 10:19 PM by

Okay, this isn't quite the massive ego trip it appears. Okay, it is, but a few people have asked me to collect my old Locker Room Confrontations and Last Flights into one place. That'll form the start of the blog, though I reserve the right to rant and rave about the magnificent/madding blonde creature known as Lena D.

I'll also give a little background on what was in my head...

This is the first Flight I ever did. There was a rumor at the time that JCap was dating a porn star named Dale DaBone, and I swear I came across an old interview where Lena either admitted or implied she was a 21-year-old virgin--of course I could never find it again, but there yhou have it... I totally swiped the idea of Myskina as a vampire, I don't remember from whom. Somebody posted a pic of her after the '04 Fed cup with the caption "Myskina wiping the French blood from her lips..." There is something about Nastya that is very vampish and alluring.

WTA Flight 100, Melbourne to Tokyo

High above the Pacific . . .

(Exasperated flight attendant is standing next to Myskina)

For the last time, Ma'am, we don't serve blood on this flight.

I would not be so sure of that . . .

(In the next row, Mommy Vera smacks Lena's head with a rolled up in-flight magazine)

Mommy Vera:
For 12 hours I was in labor with you! And for what!"


MOM, you're embarrassing me.

Mommy Vera:
Now you're embarrassed! Losing up 7-6, 4-0 doesn't embarass you, but this does! (begins to rain blows on a tearful Lena D. with the magazine).

(At the front of the plane, Venus sits along)
Venus (to herself)

Damn, everybody on wtaworld thinks I should retire . . . and nobody knows more about tennis than those folks at wtaworld. I guess I am washed up. Everybody likes Serena better anyway. Mom always liked Serena better. I wish I was Serena. Who does Serena think she is? Venus fucking me?

(Momo sits across the aisle, rocking back and forth clutching a tennis racket)

Natalie Dechy? Not me. Natalie Dechy! Not me. Natalie Dechy. Not me. Dechy.

(Myskina drops the lifeless corpse of the flight attendant to the ground)

Mmmmm. Type O has nice, fruity bouquet. Now, how to best drive my fans crazy as Renfield? To lose in the first round, or win, or make it to third round? Is so much fun to reduce them to gibbering idiots and suck them dry.

Mommy Vera (still whacking Lena)
And that's for when you were 12 and didn't clean your room.

I wonder if I can convince these foolish Occidentals that tradition demands they remove their shoes before stepping onto a Japanese tennis court?

I lost to the bitch Sharapova? She's gonna be Russia's #1? I need something stronger than cough medicine that 's for sure. I wonder if I can get somebody around here to buy me vodka. Those little airline bottles are so cute.

(Suddenly, the door to the bathroom flies open. A half-naked Jennifer appears and runs down the aisle).

Woo-hoo! I am so fuckin' in the fuckin' Mile-fuckin'-high club!

(A stark naked Dale appears and chases her toward the flight deck)

Lena D (pointing):
Mommy, what was that?

Mommy Vera:
It's nothing, dear, just like your serve. (resumes smacking).

(Msykina cocks an eyebrow and smiles--we all know what she's thinking).

(Venus sticks out foot and trips Jen, who falls flat on her face)

Ah, fuck that fuckin' hurt!


Sorry Jen, that looked real painful . . .

(Captain on inflight announcement)

We hope you enjoy tonight's in-flight movie "Wimbledon" . . .

(All groan loudly . . . .)
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