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Beefy's 4 Real Blog

A real and dark look into my life and what I plan to do
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Why 4 Years is the Hardest

Posted Jan 17th, 2010 at 06:12 AM by Beefy
Well it's that time of the year, today is 4 years since the love of my life passed away, and this year is one of the worst. Sure, one year after was, but this year's been pretty hard, infact the last few months (hence no Beefy's Xmas Message last Christmas). I didn't think much about it last year, because Carmen was on my mind heaps, what with the war and everything. But last year, doing stuff which put my mind back 4 years made it hard, and it's hard still.

The reason I find it hard at this period, is because for me, I'm always looking forward or back 4 years quite a few years, because of all these different sporting events. The World Cup, Olympics, Commonwealth Games, Ashes cricket series in England, and in Australia, they're all every 4 years, and when one of them is on, I always think back to 4 years earlier to the last one, and what my life is. So between the Ashes in England last, and from then on, I've just been thinking back to 4 years earlier, and the whole fun, and now when I think back 4 years, it's all the pain.

I remember shortley after her death, and I was feeling shit, the Winter Olympics were on for Turin, and I was thinking back 4 years to the Salt Lake City Olympics, and just being with her, and having our first Valentines day together, but of course in 2006, there would be none, and it hurt. As I said, the one year mark is pretty bad, but this just seems worse, maybe because of what I've said, or maybe there's more, I don't know.

I was at the tennis yesterday, and hanging around court 9 just brings back some bad memories. I remember it was that court that on the Saturday for qualifying in 06 that it really hit me that she had tried to take her life, and was on life support, and it was that court on the Tuesday night that I had my last phone convo with her, though she didn't hear anything.

I don't know what the rest of this year is going to be like, but it hasn't really got much better in the 4 years since it changed for the worse, all I know is, I don't want to go forward, I just wanna go back, but not 4 years, further and just enjoy those times with someone who I've lost, and can't replace.
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