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Beefy Beefy is offline
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Beefy's 4 Real Blog

A real and dark look into my life and what I plan to do
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I'm Gonna Do Something That I've Never Done Before

Posted Aug 28th, 2009 at 07:17 AM by Beefy
Despite it being over a year since we last saw each other, and the fact that we live on other sides of the world, I still consider Carmen to be my gf, and she still considers me a bf. For the first time ever, I'm going to admit to a gf, that I'm wrong, and they're right.

For all you readers who have read this blog the last few years, you will know all about Carmen, Jannie, and Chloe, who they are, and the complexed situations. Also that Jannie is a false name, seem I've never wanted to share the name of the girl that I've loved more than anything. Around 9 months ago when I was on the phone to Carmen, it was just over a year since Chloe had passed away, and coming up to 3 years since Jannie had passed away. Carmen said she worries about me at times (yes, a female who serves in the IDF, and patrols some of the most dangerous parts of the world worries about me) in the fact that I had always talked to Chloe about Jannie, and in the year since Chloe's passing, I've had nobody to talk to about Jannie. I laughed it off, as I would, and to be honest, I didn't believe her.

For the first few months of the year, I had Carmen on my mind more than anything, with the Gaza op going on, and her mental well being afterwards, followed by another tour of duty. Even during the time that I always think about Jannie, in January, Carmen was on my mind. It wasn't until May that I started to realise she was right. I was having to do something in May, that I was doing 4 years when Jannie and I started going out again, and then it just hit me like a sack of bricks. I miss her. For the time during this thing, I started to realise more how much I missed her, and then working for a couple of weeks, again she was on my mind. Watching the Ashes cricket from 4 years ago before this series, and I was watching some great games and just thinking about Jannie being out here at the time, even missing her 21st party because I wanted to watch the cricket (something which I now somewhat regret, despite it being a great nights cricket). This Ashes series, I think back to how happy I was with her 4 years ago, and how much I miss her now. I would give up this series win for a week with her again.

Carmen was right, I've been bottling it up, because of nobody to really talk to. Don't want to talk to her about it, because that would be awkrad, and the same with her friends, who I have a very good friendship with.

But in a couple of weeks, I'm going to admit to a gf, that she was right, and I was wrong, who knows what will happen afterwards
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