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Beefy's 4 Real Blog

A real and dark look into my life and what I plan to do
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The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth

Posted Mar 13th, 2009 at 05:12 AM by Beefy
Well I haven't posted here for a while, but I'm going to now, and I'm gonna place the pieces that have been missing from previous blogs. What you see is what you get, and what you get is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. This will finally answer some questions about the girl I've mentioned most here, Jannie (Jannie being a cover name for my ex who past away at the start of 2006), and still I won't mention her real name, just because I wanna keep that close to me.

For those who have forgotton, or don't know, I'll give you a quick fill in about it all. Jannie and I knew each other in high school kind of knowing each other back in 1997 (which was year 7, first year of high school), and started becoming closer in year 11, and dating for a bit at the start of year 12. Despite breaking up soon after, she played a very important role in year 12, the final year of high school. At the start of 2003, the first year after high school, we decided to not have anything to do with each other, but we would still see each other times when out and about. At the end of 2004/start of 2005 we started dating again, and we kept it pretty secret for most of the time, some friends knew, but her family only found out later on, and my family have no idea. In April that year, she moved to Japan, because her family was moving there for business. The irony is, we were going to make it public soon that we were dating, but then that fell through! We kept on being in a relationship up until late June, not long after my 21st, but then in late July, after an earthquake hit Tokyo, and I was checking in on her, we started up again (though there was the problem of distance!) August came and it was her 21st, and by late September/early October, it was off again, for good it seemed. It wasn't until December 21 that I would talk to her again, and it would be the last time I would see her. She would come out every two months for a couple of weeks, and it was just before Christmas, and I was not going to see her. I was in a happy place at the time, just loving every moment, but some friends told me that she would be leaving late on the 21st, and I decided to see her. We would usually bump into each other around Xmas time with shopping and that, so why not continue now. She told me that she had been raped, and it shook me a fair bit, and I pretty much decided that once things passed in the new year, I would put out the offer again of the two of us being in a relationship. But that never happened. I spoke to her in the final minutes of January 12th, first minutes of January 13th, then the morning of the 14th I found out she was on life support after trying to killl herself. On the 16th she passed away.

Now those who have read my previous blogs, or those who don't but do know me, know that people blame me for her death, and that at times I've blamed myself. They would know that people who once were my friends, including those who were friends of Jannie, don't talk to me anymore, and blame me for her death. What you don't know is why that is. I've talked to a few people about it, but not many. You could count how many on one hand.

Some of you might have read that her and I were going to go up to Queensland for a holiday in October of 05, just to get away and have fun, and spend time with each other. Of course that didn't happen, because we had broken up, and I cashed in my ticket. Here is why I cashed it in, and why all those who were once friends are no longer friends, and blame me for her untimely death.

As I've said before, she out here in late September, and we broke up soon afterwards. She cashed in her air ticket, and told me to go anyway, and have fun. A few weeks later, I got a text from her telling me that she wanted to talk to me about something urgent, and I got in contact with her later that day. She was pregnant. After the shock of that news, we had to decide what was next. Do we have it and raise it together? If so, where, here or Tokyo? Split time with it? Her raising it by herself, with me having sometime with the two? Her raising it by herself with me only playing a little part? Put it up for adoption? Have an abortion? The discussions and thoughts about it took up a fair amount of time. In the end, we both decided on the same thing, it wasn't 50/50, it was something we both agreed to do. We decided to abort it. IT was a hard choice, but we thought that we were too young (only 21) to start this all, and we weren't ready money wise, career wise, location wise. None of us worked, both of us lived with our families, and who would move if we did have it? She wanted me to be as much of a part of it if we had it. Who would move away from their family to start a family? Who would limit the time their parents would have with their first grandchild? Which family would be happy to have another person under their roof, and then later down the track have a new born? We decided on this hard choice together, and agreed to it. We also agreed that maybe down the track of life, we could be together again and would be ready for a child, but not when none of us are ready in anyway.

I then cashed in my ticket, and used the money to spend on Jannie. The ticket and other money I had put aside for the trip was used on medication needed, other medical needs, and for her to spend to try cheer herself up.

When she did take her life at the start of 2006, they found that abortion drugs were in her system, despite the fact she had already finished the treatment. The bottle had more tablets in it than what was needed for the course, and she used the ones leftover as part of a cocktail of prescription meds to end her life, after suffering so much after being raped.

People blame me for her death, because it was my money that was used for some drugs that she used to end her life. People say that it wasn't the rape that pushed her over the edge, it was the abortion. Some people say I forced her into it, some people say that she just followed against her own will, some people even say that I raped her and forced her to have the abortion, and there are those who deny that she was raped, and that she just said it, so I wouldn't blame myself. Of course these accusations are false. I loved her very much, and still do, and I would not hurt her in anyway. Some of these ex friends are pro life and get up on their moral high horse about it, never mind the fact that they get so high on morals about this, at other times they see who can get drunk the most, or laid, and who can go the longest without vomitting on a night out.

And what about me? As some of you know, I have blamed myself at times, but for different reasons. These can be that I feel I wasn't there for her enough. If I asked her out earlier in high school, we wouldn't have been on/off for year 12, and would've just dated. If it happened, I would say we would've been dating for a long time, maybe even now still! If we had dated from even year 11, and had no breaks, she might not have moved to Tokyo with her family, then she wouldn't have been raped. Even though it's something we both agreed to do, it still haunts me to this day. I hate Mother's Day, I hate Father's Day, I hate Easter and Christmas time, I hate seeing fathers or so with their young kids at shopping centres or so, I hate hearing people that I know having kids, I hate it when people tell me that they are trying to have a kid, and I hate just seeing young families. Why? Because despite having an abortion, it's what I want, and not knowing when it would happen, it hurts me. I can picture being with Jannie, and sharing Mother's Day, or Father's Day, getting things for Easter and Christmas, and the whole hype and excitement, or just going out as a family. If she didn't pass away soon after, I might not feel this way, but because she did, it haunts me, and I hate it, and I don't know when I will be able to have such a chance ever again. People who know me know that I wanna have kids, and that I feel I would make a good Dad, it's just now a if and when situation.
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