Well, I haven't done a blog for ages, just been too busy to do so, and also I just couldn't really be fucked anymore doing them.
Something clicked with me the other month, and I've realised it even more since. Anyone who's read this blog will know how much I miss Jannie (remember, that's a cover name for my ex who was raped and suicided almost 3 years ago, I just don't wanna use her real name) and how life has sucked since.
A few weeks back, it clicked with me not only how much I miss her, but how much I miss her sister Chloe, who died last November. In the time after Jannie's death, Chloe and I did come close, and then drift, and then back close together, and even talking about dating (even though there was a bit of a distance problem between here and Tokyo!
) A few weeks back would have been her birthday, and it just clicked with me "wow, this time last year I was getting ready for her 21st, but she's gone now" and since then when I've been feeling low, I haven't had any real chance to let of emotional steam with someone, because she would always be, and this year, it's all kind of been bottled up. It took around 10 months for me to realise how important she was to me, sure I missed her in those first couple of months, but it kind of gets pushed aside, thinking about her sister, and now it's like "fuck, who can I talk to about missing Jannie?" "Do I talk to this person, talk to them, or what about her?" There's just nobody really, because it's just so complicated, and now that I realise how much I miss Chloe too, it's just hell