Lately I've been feeling down a lot. It comes and it goes, but I'm definitely not as uncomplicatedly happy as I have been the last months.
Partly I know where it comes from: the job situation and everything that comes with it. However, I cannot do more than I already do to change that, and I really should be happy I got my job at least, so no use in feeling down about it.

It's only part of why I am feeling down though. The other part of it is much harder to explain. I'm not even sure I know what it is I think I do, but could I put it into words? I wouldn't do that here if I could, but I am really not sure I can even fully explain it to myself.
Even though I cannot really explain why I am feeling down, I think I do know a way to relieve it at least a bit. But that's not exactly an option, so I'll have to live with a choice I've made. If I had to make it now, I probably wouldn't make the same choice as I did. Which is actually stupid too, cause it's a good choice. But yeah, I already made this choice, so have to go with it now anyway.
So now what? I guess I have to hope for a disappointment. Because if there's no disappointment, I'll rollercoaster on. I'll feel good, and then I'll feel like this even more than I do now. But that's not fair, right? I cannot really expect myself to hope for disappointment, that's just not possible. Plus, if I do get disappointed, I'll feel crap too. So there's really no way out? That sucks.

I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but I don't want to explain further. Besides, I doubt people would understand. It would sound like something else than it actually is. If someone else would tell me, I'd probably see it like that as well. But it's not.


I really need to find a way out of this. Look at things differently I guess. Forget recent remarks, forget a lot of things, just look ahead and enjoy.
But will I be able to? Of course not.