View Full Version : This Weeks HOROSCOPES!

Aug 15th, 2003, 02:28 AM
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the Las Vegas McDonalds.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.

Aug 15th, 2003, 04:43 AM
LOL!never give up?hmph!give it up??pfffft!

Aug 15th, 2003, 04:47 AM
what website did you get this from?

i remember years back there was this one website that gave fucked up horoscopes...

Aug 15th, 2003, 05:23 AM
OK, I confess I got this from www.theonion.com