View Full Version : Don't Read This

samantha l
Jul 29th, 2003, 08:12 AM
Sorry, I'm new and had nothing better to do. Had no idea it was so long until I finished typing. I'm a moderate, uninformed tennis fan who was trying to write down her impressions of some players and then get mocked for my ignorance; now I realize I'm ridiculously long-winded but it took so long to write, what the hell...

SERENA: Bitch; sometimes nice.

Pretty for a very mannish girl. Gracious winner but all-time most unsportsmanlike loser, male or female, in any sport ever. Cheated at Wimbledon in H-H semi-final when chalk flew in her face and linesman called "out" so title doesn't count. Not as mentally tough as she appears. Suffered through years of head-case underachievement. I sensed panic in the Capriati QF if a couple key errors hadn't gone her way. Tried to lose final to her sister, which makes her more likeable.

Loves rooster.

VENUS: Bitch; shy.

Can take a pretty photo but actually looks like Whoopi Goldberg in "The Color Purple" ("you sure is ugly!") Not in a slump. Could beat her sister if she came to net. VERY mentally tough - NEVER loses her cool.

Indifferent to rooster.

I do love their mother though.

CLIJSTERS: Nice, according to everyone.

Looks like a cartoon caricature of the giggly Dutch girl. In every smiley photo looks like she's just been goosed. Kinda boring.

loves Lleyton's rooster.


Greatest technician. Small. Cheated at F.O. with the hand so title doesn't count. Gotta admire any 5'6 girl who can beat Serena and make her cry. Trash-talking coach should shut up. Trash-talking Acura interview a bad idea. Serena hates her. Please get your daddy issues over with and shorten the name.

Likes girly-man rooster.


Big and ugly. The beloved gruff drill sergeant of the WTA locker room. Hates herself. Wimbledon 2nd set v. Venus was best set anyone has ever played against either sister (Venus played well, lost 2-6) Missed two good chances in 3rd, then gave up.

Tells jokes about rooster but I don't know if she digs it that much. Boys would need a yard of rooster to impress Davenport.

MAURESMO: Nice; shy.

Too tightly wound but an incredible talent. Pretty for a mannish lesbian. Porno of her with Serena would be popular with gay men.

Does not care for rooster at all.

RUBIN: Nice.

Looks like she's all jaw on court but when she takes off the ball cap it's a pleasant surprise. Nobody feels passionate one way or the other about Rubin.

Too proper to really dig rooster.


A total thug. Seems like the kind of skank who beats the crap out of pretty girls at dance bars. Has the talent to beat the sisters but is too lazy to work out.

Loves rooster.


Other players must look at her and seethe with jealousy (pre-diet) but they all seem to like her. Can't bring myself to say anything bad about her. Absolutely scrupulously ethically clean when it comes to the steroid issue. Doesn't have to gain that much to get back to her normal weight. Men adore her in a surprisingly non-creepy way. Somebody needs to slap her mother. Ambitious journalists might want to double-check her birth certificate to see if someone got around the AER. If this girl doesn't have a great career it will be a MAJOR disappointment.

Afraid of rooster.


Biggest overachiever (that's a compliment). Only player in the top ten with ZERO chance of ever being number one (okay, Rubin as well).

Married, so she's liking rooster less and less as each day goes by.

DOKIC: Schizo Bitch/Nice girl

GORGEOUS but may not age well. Free pass on behaviour granted due to daddy is about to expire. Needs to lie more.

Loves rooster.

SELES: Nice.

Needs to work out and not eat burgers. Some top 8 is going to scream when they see where Seles is in the U.S. Open draw...

Avoids rooster.


Insane. Insane mom. Weird face; looks like an anime character. Too lazy to work out. Made a point of inviting her child-molestor coach to Stanford. "Defended" Hantuchova from eating disorder rumors after Hantuchova beat her for the second time this year.

No idea about her feelings toward rooster.


Owes her ranking to two victories over you-know-who. Dissed Sharapova; was humiliated. Pretty face. Girl most likely to next develop an eating disorder.

Really snotty-seeming girl and snotty girls love rooster.

BOVINA: Bitch.

Awesome talent I thought would be top 5 this year. Failed to calculate crazy parents/ Eastern European headcase factors (see Dokic, Hantuchova, Kournikova...) Only news about her this year: public dissing by Grande, coach quitting and humiliation courtesy of Sharapova.

Loves rooster.

SHARAPOVA: Bitch says Harkleroad/Nice says Myskina

Awesome talent in the Hantuchova/Bovina mold. Uh oh. Okay, remember when the pretty girls came from the west and the Eastern Europeans were the steroid trolls? When did the flip occur? Are the ovas the product of some supermodel/athlete Soviet breeding program? Will the curse of the Eastern European hot chick strike again or does Sharapova go into the more successful moved-to-the-west category (Navratilova, Seles, Hingis). Never blow kisses again.


KOURNIKOVA: Uberbitch.

Best body on tour but her face ain't that great - she looks like Yeltsin. Starred in astonishingly creepy music video.

Tolerates ethnic Mediterranean rooster with money.

HINGIS: Bitch; often nice.

Hangs out with Kournikova, Henin-Hardenne and Harkleroad. Somehow her bitchiness seems okay.

Pretty much a matter of public record that she loves rooster; approaching legendary rooster-monster status.

HAYNES: Heavily leaning towards Bitch but there's some contradictory evidence and she's so new and young I'll cut her some slack.

Seen two photos; looks cute. Trying to replace Harkleroad as the trash-talking teenage bitch queen of American tennis. Gave one quote to a reporter that she will never live down unless she makes top five. Way to apply unneeded pressure.

No idea of her thoughts re: rooster.

BEDANOVA: Remember her?

What happened? Does she share a meal plan with Hantuchova?


Well, I'm deeply impressed even if wimbledon did fix the draw. Should play singles, except if she wins any matches there are going to be some traumatized young players. Wants to enter politics in the state where Janet Reno couldn't even get nominated. Is Hantuchova's mentor: good job!

Has a rooster.


How does this bitter old cow get jobs? I'm trying to watch the Wimbledon doubles final and she and McEnroe (who I like 'cause he's funny) are driving me INSANE! :fiery: Hey I did it! It's all "This is terrible. SNORT. Why don't they come to net. DERISIVE LAUGH. These girls are such twits. GROAN. This is awful! Who would waste their time watching this stuff!

That would be me.

Jul 29th, 2003, 08:54 AM
Samantha, I like this alot, its not all that ignorant, some things are very accurate..I LIKE!!!!!!!!
A laugh...

Jul 29th, 2003, 08:59 AM
This is not a tennis review, this is paparazzo-crap.

Jul 29th, 2003, 09:23 AM
LOL!! Yeah but thats cool!

Jul 29th, 2003, 03:22 PM
bump :omg:

Jul 29th, 2003, 03:44 PM
Hey, Samantha, you definitely have guts to post that in your first post ever. So I also come out of the closet and say:

That was really funny to read! Post more. :cool:

Jul 29th, 2003, 03:50 PM
It may well be paparazzo crap, but if so it is paparazzo crap of the highest order. Continue, novice poster, continue!

Jul 29th, 2003, 03:58 PM
You dont have an opinions on players do you?? :lol:

Jul 29th, 2003, 04:08 PM
This is not a tennis review, this is paparazzo-crap.

It is nevertheless genius, highly amusing, more worth reading than pretty much everything else in GM put together and 99% accurate. More please!

Jul 29th, 2003, 07:28 PM
Ooh, ooh, can I play?

Possible rooster obsession.

Jul 29th, 2003, 07:36 PM
Welcome oh and a very impressive first post

Jul 29th, 2003, 07:41 PM
LOL great first post keep your wit, don't let "Mister" beat it outta ya.

Jul 29th, 2003, 08:10 PM
LOL!!! This is the most hysterical piece of journalism I've read on this site so far!!! Kudos to the rooster in the henhouse!

Jul 29th, 2003, 08:35 PM
Ok I am laughing my ass off here... that was so funny.

I'm def like Lindsay. No baby roosters for me.

Jul 29th, 2003, 08:47 PM
I think Hantuchova's fear of rooster could be the source of her eating problem.

Jen works out, she's just going for too much bulk. Needs a new trainer.

Samantha: Bitch/nice girl?

Enjoyable writing. Succinct. Short paragraphs. Good spacing.

Scares off the rooster.

Jul 29th, 2003, 08:54 PM

Insane. Insane mom. Weird face; looks like an anime character. Too lazy to work out. Made a point of inviting her child-molestor coach to Stanford. "Defended" Hantuchova from eating disorder rumors after Hantuchova beat her for the second time this year.

No idea about her feelings toward rooster.

But rooster assuredly does not like her :devil:

Jul 29th, 2003, 10:34 PM
SELES: Nice.

Needs to work out and not eat burgers. Some top 8 is going to scream when they see where Seles is in the U.S. Open draw...

Avoids rooster.

:lol: welcome

Jul 29th, 2003, 11:14 PM
:haha: :clap2:
It's kinda sad but ur right about most of the players! IM still laughing!

Astro Jetson
Jul 29th, 2003, 11:25 PM
And the award for best debut of the year goes to ......... SAMANTHA I!!!!

That post nearly killed me, you know :haha:

Jul 29th, 2003, 11:44 PM
Sh esaysmea things but at least she says them about a lot of people and not just focuses on one player

Jul 30th, 2003, 12:06 AM
Great stuff! I am really surprised that the fans of some of the mentioned players are not all over this thread crying foul!
I agree with most of the comments, however, I don't buy this "new poster" crap. You've been around this board "samantha" if not under this very name. I even think I recognize the style of writing. Nevertheless, keep producing similar posts/threads. It's a much needed breath of fresh air on this often stinky board.

samantha l
Jul 30th, 2003, 03:19 AM
After sleeping and re-reading I think my comments about the Williams sisters were a bit harsh and my Capriati comments were out-of-line. I re-wrote my first paragraph and originally I had a qualifier that explained that I don't use "Bitch" in it's most pejorative sense.

My husband read it; didn't appreciate my Myskina comment.

Okay, I assume that no players or anyone close to them ever reads this because saying any of it to their faces would be monstrous...


Pretty in a pinched-face way; could be Myskina's sister. That second serve is a bizarre thing to see in a pro tennis match. Most charming scream ever.

That scream makes me giggle when I think of Dementieva and rooster.

DANIILIDOU: Apparently VERY nice and outgoing, which surprised me; she seems quiet and sullen on-court.

Very pretty for a mannish jock. Is she in better shape than she used to be? Capable of much better results.

Outgoing personality + higher than average testosterone levels = rooster lovin'.


Relatively old girl who scares Serena. Are all Flemish Belgians cheery-looking?

IRVIN: Possible Bitch. Don't really know but she looks tough.

Wants to be a politician. Has met a lot of high-profile Republicans...look at her: Dick Cheney illegitimate daughter potential.

PIERCE: Nice? Bitch? Quiet? I don't know.

Pretty, but if you're going to do steroids don't stop working out. If she's taking any pills that have helped with crippling self-consciousness could she please slip some to Hantuchova.

No way she can relax enough to truly appreciate rooster.


Seems as nice as her brother but may have escaped Eastern European headcase factor (yes, this applies on men's side as well; Lendl fits into moved-to-the-west category) The exception that proves the rule. WAIT! She grew up in Spain - that explains it.

That about taps out my knowledge of players.

Jan 28th, 2005, 02:05 PM

Jan 28th, 2005, 02:47 PM
:shrug: rooster? :shrug:

Jan 28th, 2005, 02:57 PM
:shrug: rooster? :shrug:
Oh please! Think of a few other words for rooster, and soon you'll be crowing with laughter!

Jan 28th, 2005, 03:09 PM
enjoyed the read , thankyou samantha.

Jan 28th, 2005, 03:17 PM
Took me a while to figure out rooster...I'm an innocent girl. ;) But boy that was hilarious. And you ARE pretty observant!

Jan 28th, 2005, 03:21 PM
This was from 2003, and I don't know why little old me had rooster on the brain this morning, but there you have it...

Jan 28th, 2005, 04:05 PM
Married, so she's liking rooster less and less as each day goes by.

:confused: :tape:

Jan 28th, 2005, 04:35 PM
I'm sorry I'm kinda slow but what the hell is a rooster?

Jan 28th, 2005, 04:48 PM
I always heard harkleroad was nice?.

Cam'ron Giles
Jan 28th, 2005, 04:52 PM
ROTFLMFAO...This has to be Debbie Foy...:haha: