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controlfreak
Jul 18th, 2003, 08:28 PM
Parents. Just what is the deal with those guys?

Why does it seem impossible to live in harmony with ones parents? Specifically mine. I'm 21. They treat me like I'm 14. Consequently I act like I'm 14 (you know, monosyllabic grunts and that indignant teenage tone of voice). Thus begins a vicious circle of mutual disrespect and distrust which I cannot tolerate for long.

Somebody please tell me it's not me. Tell me everyone finds living with their parents this stressful. I guess that's why people move out and make a life of their own. But I don't have that option yet.

I guess the parasitic parent-child relationship which is fostered in the early years never really develops into a proper, balanced, two-way relationship like you can have with any other adult. There's always that underlying knowledge that you wouldn't exist without them, and therefore owe them in some way.

I'm getting closer to breaking free. Closer than I was five years ago, or even one year ago. The end is in sight, if there really is such a thing. No more nagging, no more assumed authority, no more lectures. I can't wait...

King Satan
Jul 18th, 2003, 08:32 PM
my parents are cool as fuck with me. i don't ever have problems with my parents :) (lil arguments here and there, but never anything serious)

alexusjonesfan
Jul 18th, 2003, 11:30 PM
I know exactly what you're talking about. I moved away for university but my parents still haven't realized that I've grown since I left. Now I'm home for summer and they're still treating me like a helpless 14 year old who can't do anything for himself so I return the favour by acting like a rebellious teenager....it's pretty annoying. I don't want to react like a pubescent loser but they put me in that position every time.

~ The Leopard ~
Jul 19th, 2003, 12:06 AM
At 21 you really need to get away from home. I was 22 when I "escaped", and not a moment too soon. However much they love you, they will always find it hard to treat you like a competent adult coz they remember you as a kid and can't "see" you as you really are. Not all parents are like this, but it's common.

Mind you, your reaction seems counterproductive. The only way to handle the situation is to make your own way financially without them....even if you have to live the life of a "poor student" for a few years....and just grin and bear it when they're around.

Crazy Canuck
Jul 19th, 2003, 02:34 AM
They nag and nitpick because they care. It's true.... both activities require effort, and they wouldn't waste their energy if they didn't care ;) You already seem to have a good grip on that mind you, and I realize that it doesn't make it any less annoying..

i'm 21 and living at home for the first time (temporarily, for a few months during the summer) since I moved out in Sept of 2001. Last summer I opted to live in another city in order to "grow" (which was a good idea and a bad idea at the same time). It's been a tough couple months... my mother was still treating me like I was 16 or something. But to her, I'm still a baby I guess... she wasn't around me that two years, and really had no idea how much I'd matured, I guess. Finally I just had a talk with her after we had a major major screaming fit one day (reminiscent of the ones we had before I moved out) and I just laid it out: "If you want to have a relationship with me, now is the time to develop one. If you want to make up for lost time (lets just say it was a rough childhood) your chance is now. I'm moving away in a few months and might not live with you fulltime ever again... I'm an adult now, and want to have a good relationship with you. Are you with me or not?" ...well that is the Brady version of what I said ;):D

As you can see...it's not just you.

decemberlove
Jul 19th, 2003, 05:20 AM
grow up and get over the teenage angst i ahte my parents thing.

i havent had any problems since i was 16, and i was a bad, bad kid. infact, were pretty close now. i go to all the family bullshit and go shopping with my mom, to the beach with my mom, take my lil sis everywhere.

King Satan
Jul 19th, 2003, 06:52 AM
grow up and get over the teenage angst i ahte my parents thing.

i havent had any problems since i was 16, and i was a bad, bad kid. infact, were pretty close now. i go to all the family bullshit and go shopping with my mom, to the beach with my mom, take my lil sis everywhere.
same here. but i'm still not very close with my mom. we love eachother, but we just don't talk that often. it's my fault though, i'm not open with anyone.

irma
Jul 19th, 2003, 07:03 AM
my mother threats all her children like babies. she just wants to take care. I personally don't care much anymore now I live her on my own. it's still the best thing I have done in my life:)
but I would be afraid when I would get ill or something like that she would take over my life in one second when you don't look (it happened with my brother. you don't wanna know how bad)

CC
Jul 19th, 2003, 03:42 PM
When I got to 20-21, I started to really resent them for a lot of things. Now I'm like, fuck it --- they did the best they could. It's up to me now.

Experimentee
Jul 19th, 2003, 03:56 PM
I've got parents like that too. Well my dad is the only one i have real problems with, my mum is just the nicest person possible. He just thinks he is right all the time and wont even listen to anyone elses point of view. One part of me would love to move out, but i also enjoy having my mum and brother around and not having to be responsible lol.

skanky~skanketta
Jul 19th, 2003, 03:57 PM
where was this thread 1/5 years ago?

geez!since i was the youngest in the family, my parents always treated me like i was 12 even when i was 18!fortunately, i have a baby sister now and well, they finally have someone else to dote on and treat like a baby(well, duh).

skanky~skanketta
Jul 19th, 2003, 04:04 PM
well, the thing is that they have finally realized that i'm actually grown up. my mom still has slip-ups once in a while and nags me and braids my hair and stuff, but its so much better now. it was disgusting before when i wanted to be independent and couldnt. its one of the things everyone has to go through. i know now that its because they care. and being the youngest didnt help either. my mom wanted me to do everything my sister did, whether i liked it or not. is it my fault i have an overacheiving bitch sista?LOL!i finally put my foot down when i was 18. cant believe i actually turned down med school.

but believe me, they really would nag you if they didnt care. i know this may sound like crap at the moment, cuz ppl kept telling me the same thing when i was going through this. you'll just have to suffer for the time being.

Nikki
Jul 19th, 2003, 08:18 PM
I don't have a problem with my parents, they just let me do my own thing.

I guess i'm lucky.

sartrista7
Jul 19th, 2003, 08:21 PM
grow up and get over the teenage angst i ahte my parents thing.

i havent had any problems since i was 16, and i was a bad, bad kid. infact, were pretty close now. i go to all the family bullshit and go shopping with my mom, to the beach with my mom, take my lil sis everywhere.

Indeed, and this comes from someone who can hardly bear to be in the same house as the parents. Either you get on with them and have a productive relationship - screaming matches and long talks may be necessary - or you realise that that's not going to happen and become self-sufficient enough to lead your own life.

Nagging about clothes/hair/bedtime etc. shouldn't be a problem, and it should be easy to let it all drift over you. It's because they care, and everyone suffers it.

Fantastic
Jul 20th, 2003, 03:47 PM
I don't think my parents knew how to be parents as I was growing up. They fucked me up mentally and I'm trying to get over all of that. One day I will be free of all that.

My first memory of dad was him telling me not to be a "burden" on him. Lovely to hear when you're three years of age. The last words he ever spoke to me were "fuck off". There were some good moments in-between but I hardly remember those, because as soon as we had our good moments, dad would ruin them. I don't know why. Maybe because he wanted us to grow up humble. He didn't like it when I enjoyed myself. He'd tell me off and yell at me and make me feel like dirt.

Once, he even yelled at me in public in a shopping mall full of people. They stared at us and pointed. Feeling so small, alone and self-conscious as it was, I started to cry, and some people started laughing at me. I was humiliated in public and there was nowhere to run. I couldn't. I was scared stiff.

I don't know whether dad loved me or not. He told me he did, but it often felt insincere, like an afterthought. I think he meant my sister most of the time and not me. Dad never said a bad word to her and always laughed at everything she said, no matter if it was said in anger or as a joke. With me, if I told a joke or laughed at a TV show, I'd cop a serve for having too much fun. My best was never good enough, so I stopped trying to please him.

Disagreeing with dads' opinions equalled disrespecting him. I don't see this with my friends and their parents. I envied them to a degree, but never wished I had their parents as mine. I just wished my parents would treat me better. To our relatives and family friends, my sister and I were "trophies" that belonged to dad. We had to sit and be quiet and be perfect. I never knew what "little kid" fun was.

When dad died, I felt so free, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. People didn't understand why I felt this way and said I had a bad heart. I finally felt like I could do anything I wanted. The opportunites were endless. Before, I was always told I had no chance. I used to have to tip-toe around dad. I was scared to breathe in case he suddenly decided to pick on me. He was always in a bad mood and always blamed me for his bad moods. I was too scared to do anything. I was even too scared to go out in public because I felt so bad about myself and wasn't in the mood to socialize with anyone - I felt ugly.

Mum did absolute fuck all to help the situation. She would cop a serve too, but she'd accept it and make excuses for dad. Of course, she was never allowed to be wrong, even if she was. She even claimed to have loved dad. Loved him for what he did for her maybe. Divorce never entered the equation because Catholics like mum don't believe in divorce. Not that she'd ever bother, or ever work up the courage to do such a thing.

Mum never did anything for herself while married to dad. She would tag along and help but never thought for herself or help think of solutions to fix problems. She often hid behind him. Then she expected me to do the thinking for her. I'm barely equipped to think for myself but at least I'm trying.

Mum wasn't exactly a bag of laughs either growing up. When I was little, she was the one who was angry all the time. We were threatened with smacks and all kinds of abuse. Mum even admitted that as newborn babies, she used to hit and hit and hit us (me and my sister) until we stopped crying. Of course, when you hit a baby, it keeps crying even more. Eventually, the baby numbs to the pain and passes out. I hate to think that that was what happened to us. I don't remember any of it, but mum confessed to it many years later. I was so angry.

Another time, mum confessed to locking my little sister outside when she couldn't go to the toilet (to do No. 2's) on command. She would take my sisters pants off and throw her outside and lock the door - in the middle of winter. I remember mum did this to my sister once when we had guests over. I was so scared and I can only assume my sister was humiliated as hell. How can you claim to be a good Catholic and do these kinds of things to your own children?

Luckily, dad never hit me or any of us. His abuse was mostly mental. He may have hit us one time or another but I don't remember if it ever happened.

I still live at home with mum. It feels like I'm living alone most of the time though. My sister has a teaching job that's too far away from home to commute. I do whatever I need to do, and live off a meagre existence. I only earn half of what the average nine-to-five worker does, but I'm content with it for now. I wish I had more money but I've never complained or asked for anything. I have this bad habit of buying presents for people. Not big things, but just little things I see that remind me of someone. I'll buy it and give it to them at birthdays or special occasions. Yet, I'm accused of being selfish and a horrible person. So be it.

Right now, I don't see how I can move out of home with my wages. I could go on welfare, but the last time I dealt with them, nobody listened to what I was saying and kept giving me the run-around, so I gave up and vowed to myself that I'd make it work somehow.

I'm trying to save up enough money to go back to university. I plan to study nutrition and become a sports nutritionist. I'm scrimping and saving, eating less, going out less unless it's a special occasion, saving water, saving electricity, saving petrol and whatever other corners I can cut. Did I mention that I also pay half the bills? It's a fair agreement I think. I'm not completely happy with my life. I want to travel and see the world and experience something, and feel something again, but the moment I think of those who are less fortunate than me, I realize that my situation is not so bad. It could be worse.

This rant has gone on long enough. I'm cutting myself off before I send my family into any further disrepute.

Sean
Jul 20th, 2003, 03:57 PM
My parents are jewish...need i say more??

Anyway be grateful that u have parents and that they care for u but yeah I know what u mean and I think its time for u to move out and have fun.

cellophane
Jul 20th, 2003, 04:32 PM
I have good parents. Not perfect, but very good. There. I'm very sorry to hear about what is happening to you, Fantastic and controlfreak. Hope it all works out for both of you... Please try not to let it get to you!

vs1
Jul 20th, 2003, 04:41 PM
As long as you are "under their roof," then they see you as their "child." A small child. It's a parent thing. They can't seem to help it. It's because they care about you and they've been used to the role of "caregiver" for so long. So it's instinctual for them to feel that they much "make sure" that you're OK. When they see you rebel and act angry, it probably confuses them and frustrates them a bit. And the cycle continues. But it's important to realise that they care. If they didn't, then it would be easy for them to keep their mouths and emotions shut.

Moving out to go to uni was very good for me and my parents. I allowed them to see me in a different light. I was still their child, but because we both had mutual ground (I wasn't "under their roof"), they could see me as a "person" easier. I wasn't just their "child." Likewise, we didn't interact on a daily basis, so whenever we saw each other, it was fun. We had things to talk about. They didn't see my room and my dirty clothes or my unwashed dishes in the sink, so they couldn't nag for me to clean it up. I also didn't witness their little habits that drove me crazy. So it was all cool.

Through it all, it's still important to understand that (most) parents provide unconditional love. They say things because they care about you. Sometimes it's hard to accept, but through it all, they are the ones who will always cheer behind you. Pretend you are your favourite tennis player. Your parents are your biggest fans. Through your ups and downs, they will also rally behind you.