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View Full Version : need a laugh? The Dubya Report


lakeway11
Jul 10th, 2003, 04:53 PM
my favs--"More and more of our imports are coming from overseas."

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."

"I understand small business growth. I was one."




We're laying the groundwork for a national campaign -- a national campaign that I believe will result in a great victory in November 2002.
-- Tampa, Florida, June 30, 2003

Wait for us to succeed peace. Wait for us to have two states, side by side -- is for everybody coming together to deny the killers the opportunity to destroy.
-- Kennebunkport, Maine, June 15, 2003

I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.
-- aboard AirForce One, June 4 2003

I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances.
-- Washington, DC, May 29, 2003

First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill.
-- Washington, DC, May 19, 2003

So one of my visits -- one of the reasons I'm visiting here is to ask the question to people. Because if there's -- moving too slow, or people are saying one thing and the other thing is not happening, now is the time to find out.
-- Pierce City, MO, May 13, 2003

I think war is a dangerous place.
-- Washington, DC, May 7, 2003

I don't bring God into my life to -- to, you know, kind of be a political person.
-- interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003

We're fighting an enemy ... that will wear civilian uniforms....
-- Washington, DC, March 25, 2003

...If we use military force, in the post-Saddam Iraq the UN will definitely need to have a role. And that way it can begin to get its legs, legs of responsibility back.
-- Lajes, Azores, March 16, 2003

We appreciate our own support for ensuring that the just demands of the world are enforced.
-- Washington, DC, March 13, 2003

I know there's some concern about overstating of numbers, you know, invest in my company because the sky's the limit. We may not be cash flowing much, but the sky's the limit. Well, when you pay dividends, that sky's the limit business doesn't hunt.
-- Kennesaw, GA, February 20, 2003

...[A]s we insist that Congress be wise with your money, we're going to make sure we spend enough to win this war. And by spending enough to win a war, we may not have a war at all.
-- Kennesaw, Georgia, February 20, 2003

So today I ask you to challenge your listeners ... to start a ministry, which will find the children of those who are incarcinated and love them.
-- Addressing the National Religious Broadcasters' Convention, Opryland Hotel, Nashville, TN, February 10, 2003. The quote was cleaned up before the speech was posted on the White House web site.

I believe we can achieve peace at home....
-- Washington, DC, January 30, 2003

Should any Iraqi officer or soldier receive an order from Saddam Hussein or his sons or any of the killers who occupy the high levels of their government, my advice is don't follow that order. If you choose to do so, when Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal.
-- St. Louis, MO, January 22, 2003

I'm the person who gets to decide, not you.
-- reacting to a reporter's statement in the lead-in to his question that "we're headed to war in Iraq," Crawford, TX, December 31, 2002

I had a cordial meeting at that meeting last night. We greeted each other, cordially.
-- Prague, Czech Republic, November 21, 2002

One of the problems we have is that enough people can't find work in America.
-- Bentonville, AR, November 4, 2002

The solid truth of the matter is, when you find -- if you want to help heal the hurt -- if you want to hurt people and help people in pain, the best way to do so is to call upon the great strength of the country, which is the compassion of our fellow Americans.
-- Bentonville, AR, November 4, 2002

Who is this chicken shit?
-- "Poppy" Bush at a White House reception in 1991, after Senator Paul Wellstone had urged Bush Sr. to focus more on education issues and less on the Gulf War.

It's been raining, so she needs to sweep the porch, because the President of China is coming tomorrow.
-- explaining Laura Bush's absence to an audience in Charlotte, NC, October 24, 2002. Asked the next day if she appreciated the remark, Mrs. Bush shook her head and mouthed, "No."

All of us here in America should believe, and I think we do, that we should be, as I mentioned, a nation of owners. Owning something is freedom, as far as I'm concerned. It's part of a free society... It's a part of -- it's of being a -- it's a part of -- an important part of America.
-- Washington, D.C., October 15, 2002

You need to listen carefully to the debates that goes on in our nation's capital. You see, some of them are -- goes on with people trying to get to the nation's capital. Some of them, they talk about the government's money.
-- Manchester, NH, October 5, 2002

The definition of a patriot in the face of the evil done to America is to serve something greater than yourself in life, is to help somebody in need, is to love a person one at a time, as we remember that -- which I know we will.
-- Manchester, NH, October 5, 2002

We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.
-- Trenton, NJ, September 23, 2002

There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again.
-- East Literature Magnet School, Nashville, Tennessee, September 17, 2002. Couldn't quite get out "... fool me twice, shame on me."

...[T]here is a value system that cannot be compromised, and that is the values that we praise. And if the values are good enough for our people, they ought to be good enough for others, not in a way to impose because these are God-given values. These aren't United States-created values. These are values of freedom and the human condition and mothers loving their children.
-- interviewed by Bob Woodward, Crawford, TX, August 20, 2002

I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the president. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation.
-- interviewed by Bob Woodward, Crawford, TX, August 20, 2002

I'm thrilled to be here in the breadbasket of America.
-- Stockton, CA, August 23, 2002. Stockton is 60 miles east of the Bay Area, and 25 miles west of the Sierra Nevada, known for watersports on the Sacramento Delta, perhaps, but not much grain production....

I believe the enemy has wakened a spirit in this country that understands in order to fight evil, in order to fight evil -- that in order to fight evil, you can do so by loving your neighbor just like you'd like to be loved yourself.
-- Stockton, CA, August 23, 2002

There was certainly a very strong sentiment that we're on the right track when it comes to holding people to account who lie, steat or cheal....
-- responding the question of what was the most important thing he learned from the recent so-called economic forum. Crawford, Texas, August 16, 2002

Let's see. There I was sitting around the table with foreign leaders looking at Colin Powell and Condi Rice....
-- responding the the question of why he was not addressing the National Association for the Advancement of Colored Peoples convention, Washington, DC, July 10, 2002

There was no malfeance, no attempt to hide anything.
-- explaining the difference between Harken Energy's sale of subsidiary Aloha Petroleum, and similar transactions involving Enron shell companies "Jedi" and "Chewco," Washington, DC, July 8, 2002.

Everything I do is fully disclosed, it's been fully vetted.
-- responding to (and not denying) the suggestion in Paul Krugman's op-ed column that Bush's past included the corporate misbehavior he was now criticizing. Milwaukee, WI, July 4, 2002

As the United States works to bring peace around the world our diplomats and/or soldiers can be drug into the court. That's very troubling.
-- Milwaukee, WI, July 2, 2002

I read the report put out by the bureaucracy.
--referring to his own Environmental Protection Agency report to the United Nations on global warming, June 4, 2002

Very good, the guy memorizes four words, and he plays like he's intercontinental.
-- at a news conference in Rome, Italy, after NBC News correspondent David Gregory followed a question to Bush in English with one in French to President Jacques Chirac. Gregory's question to Bush was, "I wonder why it is you think there are such strong sentiments in Europe against you and against this administration?" May 26, 2002

We hold dear what our Declaration of Independence says, that all have got uninalienable rights....
-- addressing community and religious leaders in Moscow, May 24, 2002

There is a sniff of politics in the air.
-- in a closed door session with congressional Republicans, Washington, DC, May 16, 2002

I'm not familiar with the anacronyms.
-- Ari Fleischer, White House press conference, Washington, DC, May 16, 2002

My foreign policy is -- Fidel Castro is a dictator.
-- Washington, DC, May 14, 2002

You see, the President is -- can still learn.
-- First African Methodist Episcopal Renaissance Center, Los Angeles, California, April 29, 2002

Some of the biggest sources of air pollution are the power plants, which send tons of admissions into our air.
-- Wilmington, NY, April 22, 2002 (Earth Day)

And so, in my State of the -- my State of the Union -- or state -- my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation -- I asked Americans to give 4,000 years -- 4,000 hours over the next -- the rest of your life.
-- Bridgeport, CT, April 9, 2002

I appreciate Lieutenant Governor Judi Kell for being here. Great to see you again, Judi.
-- referring to Connecticut Lieutenant Governor Jodi Rell, Bridgeport, CT, April 9, 2002

Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of "Hop on Pop."
-- Penn. State University, April 2, 2002

But there needs to be a focused, coalition effort in the region against peace.
-- discussing the Middle East, Crawford, TX, March 30, 2002

I talked about making the death tax permanent, so that Rolf can pass his assets to a family member, if he so chooses.
-- O'Fallon, MO, March 18, 2002. The White House official transcript added a footnote indicating Bush meant "repeal" of the tax.

My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.
-- from the transcript of Bush's remarks to the Diet of Japan. Reported by U.S. Newswire, February 19, 2002. The White House transcript amended the statement to "half a century."

We've not got no better friend than South Korea.
-- greeting the South Korean press, February 17, 2002

It isn't really a sissy pretzel.
-- Laura Bush, appearing on The Tonight Show, February 11, 2002

He was a supporter of Ann Richards in my run in 1994. And she did name him the head of the Governor's Business Council, and I decided to leave him in place just for the sake of continuity. And that's when I first got to know Ken and worked with Ken, and he supported my candidacy.
-- responding to a question about ties to former Enron chairman Kenneth Lay, reported in the Houston Chronicle, January 10, 2002.

I don't intend to read it all.
-- referring to the education bill he had just signed, Hamilton, OH, January 8, 2002

We are working hard to convince both the Indians and the Pakis there's a way to deal with their problems without going to war.
-- Washington, DC, January 7, 2002. The term 'Paki' is considered an ethnic slur in Britain. "The President has great respect for Pakistan and for the Pakistani people," White House spokesman Scott McClellan later clarified.

Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes.
-- Ontario, CA, January 5, 2002

I know the governor likes to hunt rabbits down in Louisiana. Sometimes those rabbits think they can hide from the governor. But, eventually, he smokes them out and gets them. And that's exactly what is happening to Mr. bin Laden, and all the murderers that he's trying to hide in Afghanistan.
-- with Governor Mike Foster, Washington, DC, December 19, 2001. Foster later admitted "... I don't know anybody who hunts [rabbits] that way."

And we have a role in the government -- in the state government, in the federal government -- to provide immediate help as part of an economic security package, is to provide immediate help.
-- Orlando, FL, December 4, 2001

I want to go back to Washington. There is strong advice that I not, primarily from the vice president.
-- reported in Newsweek (International edition) December 3, 2001

I can assure you, when I was a senior in high school, I never sat in an audience saying, gosh, if I work hard I'll be President of the United States.
-- Crawford, TX, November 15, 2001

We don't have a beef with Muslims.
-- Washington, DC, October 25, 2001

You know, if you find a person that you've never seen before getting in a cropduster that doesn't belong to you, report it.
-- answering a reporter who asked what Americans should be on the lookout for in response to the announcement of a general terrorist threat, news conference, Washington, DC, October 11, 2001

I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.
-- Washington, DC, October 2, 2001

...[W]hen nations are under attack, now is not the time for politics.
-- with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, Washington, DC, September 25, 2001

This crusade ... is going to take a while.
-- Washington, DC, September 16, 2001

There's one terrible pilot.
-- Sarasota, FL, September 11, 2001. During a town hall forum in Orlando, FL, December 4, 2001, Bush described his first reaction to the report that a plane hit the World Trade Center tower.

A vampire is a -- a -- cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone.
-- Denver, CO, August 14, 2001

My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the -- in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen.
-- Crawford, TX, August 13, 2001

A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.
-- Washington, DC, July 26, 2001, commenting on negotiating with Congress

First, let me say how honored I was to be able to be in the presence of the Holy Father... He's an extraordinary man who is, by virtue of his leadership and his conscience and his presence has not only affected political systems, but affected the hearts and souls of thousands of people all around the world.
-- Rome, July 23, 2001

I haven't thought about the nuance of it.
-- Washington DC, June 24, 2001, when asked by Peggy Noonan about the prospect of Russia joining NATO

They're not talking about firm price controls. They are talking about mechanism to -- as I understand it, a mechanism to mitigate any severe price spikes that may occur, which is completely different from price controls.
-- reported in Molly Ivins's syndicated column, June 26, 2001

Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.
-- Gotheburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

Can't living with the bill means it won't become law.
-- Brussels, Belgium, June 13, 2001

So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations.
-- greeting the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, Washington, DC, May 31, 2001

If you're like me you won't remember everything you did here.
-- Yale University, New Haven, CT, May 21, 2001

There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.
-- Washington, DC, May 11, 2001

But I also made it clear to [Russian President Vladimir Putin] that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe.
-- Washington, DC, May 1, 2001

Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican.
-- Declining to answer reporters' questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001. When asked about the remark later, his staff said he was joking.

This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end.
-- Washington, DC, April 10, 2001

You can fool some of the people all of the time and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.
-- Washington, DC March 31, 2001

As you know, we're studying safe levels for arsenic in drinking water. The scientists told us we need to test the water glasses on 3,000 people. Thank you for participating.
-- Washington, DC, March 31, 2001

Do you have blacks, too?
-- Washington, DC, March 2001, during Bush's first meeting with Brazilian President Fernando Henrique Cardoso. Reported April 28, 2002 by columnist Fernando Pedreira of the Estado Sao Paulo in an article titled "An Overwhelming Ignorance."

You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
-- Townsend, TN, February 18, 2001.

Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.
-- Austin, TX, December20, 2000

The great thing about America is everybody should vote.
-- Austin, TX, December 8, 2000

They misunderestimated me.
-- Bentonville, AR, November 6, 2000

They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program.
-- St. Charles, Missouri, November 2, 2000

This is an impressive crowd, the haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base.
-- Al Smith Memorial Dinner, New York, NY, October 19, 2000

It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.
-- Arlington Heights, IL, October 24, 2000

...a hemispheric energy policy where Canada and Mexico and the United States come together. I brought this up recently with Vicente Fox, who's the newly elected president. He's a man I know from Mexico. And I talked about how best to be able to expedite the exploration of natural gas in Mexico and transport it up to the United States, so we become less dependent on foreign sources of crude oil.
-- during the first Presidential debate, Boston, MA October 3, 2000

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
-- Saginaw, MI, September 29, 2000

More and more of our imports are coming from overseas.
-- reported in Slate, September 25, 2000

Bush: There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.
Cheney: Oh yeah, he is, big time.
-- Labor Day Rally, September 4, 2000


After all, religion has been around a lot longer than Darwinism.
-- reported in George Magazine, September, 2000

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
-- Reuters, May 5, 2000

I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up.
-- on David Letterman, March 2, 2000. (the audience booed)

I understand small business growth. I was one.
-- New York Daily News, February 19, 2000

The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.
-- Pella, IA, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, January 30, 2000

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
-- Florence, SC, January 11, 2000

I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.
-- Nashua, NH, January 28, 2000

No.
-- responding to Dallas Morning News reporter Wayne Slater's 1998 question asking "Were you ever arrested after 1968?", reported in The New Republic, November, 1999. Bush's 1976 DUI arrest received wide publicity in October 2000.

Kosovians can move back in.
-- quoted on CNN's Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

I was a pit bull on the pantleg of opportunity
-- quoted in Shrub by Molly Ivins.

It's not the governor's role to decide who goes to heaven. I believe that God decides who goes to heaven, not George W. Bush.
-- Houston Chronicle.

I didn't -- I swear I didn't -- get into politics to feather my nest or feather my friends' nests.
-- Houston Chronicle