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View Full Version : The Lena D. Bachelorette Party Confrontation Thread


miffedmax
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:36 PM
OPEN ON A DARK ROOM. OCCASIONAL GIGGLES BREAK THE SILENCE. FROM OUTSIDE, WE HEAR VOICES, ONE IN PARTICULAR SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

VOICE:
But Mommy Vera said no wild parties. And no boys.

A DOOR OPENS. SILOHETTED IN THE LIGHT: ALLA K., LENA D. AND DINARA.

A BUNCH OF PLAYERS CRY OUT:

SURPRISE! ITíS YOUR BACHERLORETTE PARTY, LENA D.!

THE LIGHTS COME ON. WE SEE LENA IS BLINDFOLDED AS DINARA AND ALLA LEAD HER INTO THE ROOM.

LENA:

Oh dear. This isnít going to be a wild party, is it? No alcohol, no boys, no naughty movies, noÖ

DINARA INTERRUPTS.

No, Lena, just cookies and milk.

LENA:
Oh! Yummy!

DINARA TAKES OFF THE BLINDFOLD. LENA LOOKS AROUND. SHE POINTS AT A MARGARITA MACHINE.

LENA:
That doesnít look like milk to me.

JJ:
Itís Slurpees.

LI:
Yes. Itís the Slurpee machine Sania and I had in last yearís Halloween Confrontation.

LENA:
Oh. Okay.

REE AND VEE STEP FORWARD AND GIVE LENA A SMALL PACKAGE.

VEE:
Open it.

LENA OPENS IT. THEREíS A KENNEDY HALF-DOLLAR INSIDE.

LENA:
But why would I want a coin with a picture of the President who was outsmarted by our great Russian leaders during the Turkish Missile Crisis?

REE:
Thatís a very sentimental coin. The one Dad used for Vee and me. I figure you can use it to decide how itís gonna be with Maxim. You wanna have a headache, give him tails. You want him to get lucky, heads.

VEE:
You mean that coin isÖ

REE:
Duh.

LENA:
But why would I want to have a headache? And why wouldnít I want Max to be fortunate? Maybe if he was lucky he would score more goals and his team would win the championshipÖ

LI:
Watching her brain is like watching a retarded puppy trying to climb out of its basket. So sad, yet so funny. Hey, JJ, pass me another MargaóI mean Slurpee.

CARO:
Open mine next!

LENA OPENS CAROíS PRESENT. IT IS WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A LARGE DILDO. WELL, ONLY TO ANY ONE BUT LENA.

LENA:
Oh, Caro!

LENA STICKS THE SEX TOY OVER HER FINGER AND WAVES IT AROUND.

A big novelty finger to remind me that the #1 tennis player in the world is one of my best friends! Thatís so sweet of you!

CARO TURNS TO SAFINA AND HANDS HER A $50.
CARO:
I canít believe you won that bet.
SAFINA and ALLA:
Open ours!

LENA OPENS A LARGE VIBRATOR.
LENA:
Oh, what fun! I didnít know it was going to be a karaoke party! We have batteries for the microphone, but no DVD. I wonder where it is?

ALLA HANDS DINARA $50.
ALLA:
Jesus, I donít believe it.

SAFINA:
Iíve known her a long time.

QUEEN MASHA AND ALEXA GLATCH STEP UP.
QM:
We will unveil our present now.

ALEXA:
Yes, your Extreme Recognizableness.

ALEXA PULLS A DRAPE OFF A ELABORATELY FRAMED PICTURE.

QM:
We wish you to have this lovely portrait of us and our soon-to-be royal consort. We are certain you will display it proudly in your hovel.

LENA:
Itís Ö ItísÖ

QM:
Observe that it is painted on the flayed skin of a peasant.

YANINA HANDS ELENA A PRESENT.

ELENA OPENS IT, REVEALING A SMALL BOTTLE.

ELENA:
What is this? Perfume?

YANINA:
No. Itís a slow-acting, yet undetectable poison. Heíll take hours to die.

ELENA:
But I donít want to kill my Maxim!
YANINA:
Oh. My bad. Can I have it back? There was this one ball kid at Cincinatti last yearÖ

ANA:
Thatís so rude. You canít just take a gift back. Now, here you are Lena, dear. A bottle of my 2012 wine. Itís going to be even better than the 2011!

JJ:
How the hell can she have wine from a year that hasnít even happened yet?

LI:
The same way Lenaís going to have babies without ever having sex. Nothing in these confrontations ever makes a lick of sense.

Hey, open my gift.

LENA OPENS A VERY SHEER NIGHTGOWN.

LENA:
Itís lovely! I have the perfect bra to wear with it!

JJ:
Oh, good Lord. Here. Even you can figure out what these are for.

LENA OPENS A BOX CONTAINING SEVERAL PAIRS OF SPLIT CROTCH PANTIES.

LENA:
Oh dear. All these lovely panties are torn. But donít worry, Jelena. When I was a little girl and Mommy Vera sewed all my tennis dresses, she taught me as well! Iím a whiz with a needle and thread. Iíll soon fix them right up!

FLAVIA AND FRANCESCA ARE NEXT.

FLAVIA:
Poor girl. We think maybe you will be nervous. So we brought you something.

FRAN:
Something to calm you, make you relaxed.

THEY HAND LENA A CIGAR SIZE DOOBIE.

LENA:
I donít smokeÖ

FLAVIA:
But you should, really. Trust me on this one.

LENA V.
Open mine.

LENA OPENS A VIDEO CAMERA.

LENA V.
Oh, the irony.

VIKA MAKES HER OFFERING.

ITíS A STRAP-ON HARNESS, ONLY IT CONTAINS A SNICKERS BAR.

VIKA:
Fuck his mouth! Iíll fuck your mouth!

LENA:
What?

VIKA:
Fuck my mouth!

LENA:
I thought someone said there were cookiesÖ

VIKA:
No, just mouth-fucking Snickers!

MARION:
Speaking of things to eatÖ

LENA OPENS A BOX OF EDIBLE BOXER SHORTS.

MARION:
Those were the best. The store had like 12 flavors. I tried them all, and the peppermint ones were definitely the best. The strawberry ones were pretty good,too. The lime, not so muchÖ

A KNOCK AT THE DOORÖ.

DINARA:
Woo! The stripper is here!

ENTER RAFA NADAL!

ELENA COVERS HER EYES.

VIKA:
Iím going to fuck his mouth!

RAFA BEGINS TO DANCE, STRIPPING OFF HIS SHIRT.

LENA PEEKS.
LENA;
His boobies are even smaller than JustineísÖ

DINARA:
Oh my God, you mean youíve never even seen a guy with his shirt offÖ

DISSOLVE TO LENA, WITH HER BACK TO US, TOSSING AND TURNING IN BED. SHE SITS UP.

LENA:
Oh, thank God it was all a dream. And today, I marry my beloved Maxim.

SHE GETS OUT OF BED, HER LONG BLOND HAIR FALLING OVER HER FACE, AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM OFF CAMERA.

FROM THE BATHROOM, A PIERCING SCREAM.

WE CUT TO HER REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR.

SHE STARES IN HORROR.

HER MOUTH IS

SURROUNDED

BY

A

DARK

RING















OF

CHOCOLATE!!!!!

Oyster
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:38 PM
Someone has too much time on their hands.

darrinbaker00
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:41 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

Max, you need help.

Mynarco
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:44 PM
I don't understand the ending :sobbing:

cowsonice
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:46 PM
^Vika's present

miffedmax
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:46 PM
Vika. Snickers.

Root
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:52 PM
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to miffedmax again. :sobbing:

Effy
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:53 PM
ANA:
Thatís so rude. You canít just take a gift back. Now, here you are Lena, dear. A bottle of my 2012 wine. Itís going to be even better than the 2011!

JJ:
How the hell can she have wine from a year that hasnít even happened yet?

LI:
The same way Lenaís going to have babies without ever having sex. Nothing in these confrontations ever makes a lick of sense.



:sobbing:

Miss Atomic Bomb
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:54 PM
How much did Rafa charge?

Effy
Jul 14th, 2011, 08:58 PM
Someone has too much time on their hands.

http://i53.tinypic.com/332xl6h.jpg

TheBoiledEgg
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:05 PM
another classic from Max
best one yet me thinks

toby345
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:06 PM
Soooo good :worship:

Break My Rapture
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:13 PM
Dead at Vika.

King Halep
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:13 PM
Why does Vesnina say Oh, the irony. What is ironical about Dementieva and a camera.

VeeJJ
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:22 PM
VIKA MAKES HER OFFERING.

ITíS A STRAP-ON HARNESS, ONLY IT CONTAINS A SNICKERS BAR.

VIKA:
Fuck his mouth! Iíll fuck your mouth!

LENA:
What?

VIKA:
Fuck my mouth!

LENA:
I thought someone said there were cookiesÖ

VIKA:
No, just mouth-fucking Snickers!



:hysteric: :hysteric:

I'M DEAD

Someone has too much time on their hands.

Dude, how do all these losers get in here? There should be an interview process for TF nowa days. Anyone who has a conspiracy to troll not allowed.

toby345
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:29 PM
Why does Vesnina say Oh, the irony. What is ironical about Dementieva and a camera.

There were rumours that Ves made a "video" :drool:

Curcubeu
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:32 PM
How well you can portray the tennis players in their (not always 100% real ;)) personalities and always throw in some TF allusions! :worship:

Elena's innocence and ignorance in this one are just too good! :sobbing:

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to miffedmax again. :sobbing:

This :o

kaktusino
Jul 14th, 2011, 09:38 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

Dave.
Jul 14th, 2011, 10:11 PM
LOL Dinara :sobbing:

Mary Cherry.
Jul 14th, 2011, 10:25 PM
I didn't think it could get any better, but it so did :sobbing:

King Halep
Jul 14th, 2011, 10:27 PM
There were rumours that Ves made a "video" :drool:

i know about that, but i dont get why she says its ironical when she is the one who gave it to Dementieva. that remark should be made by a third party, or maybe i am looking too deep into it

Maca.Lofish
Jul 14th, 2011, 10:37 PM
OMG Max!!! I loved it that was so funny!! I love Lena's innocence

Spring Pools
Jul 14th, 2011, 10:39 PM
There were rumours that Ves made a "video" :drool:

TBH, she didn't know the video was being made. She just starred in it.

Stonerpova
Jul 14th, 2011, 10:43 PM
:happy: Fuck that WTA reality show. If Stacy Allistar knew what she was doing she would order this into production ASAP.

Maca.Lofish
Jul 14th, 2011, 10:53 PM
Max you are the best!!! I love how you always make my day better, after all my time here I will say: Lena D's fans are the best fans of the whole world!!

Ferg
Jul 14th, 2011, 11:04 PM
:sobbing:

goat
Jul 15th, 2011, 12:04 AM
excellent. I hope there is a wedding sequel!

hurricanejeanne
Jul 15th, 2011, 12:39 AM
LI:
Watching her brain is like watching a retarded puppy trying to climb out of its basket. So sad, yet so funny. Hey, JJ, pass me another Marga—I mean Slurpee.


I absolutely died at this. And whatever amount of lifeforce I had remaining in me bit the dust over at Vika's mouthfucking snickers.

:hysteric:

CrossCourt~Rally
Jul 15th, 2011, 01:26 AM
:happy:

cowsonice
Jul 15th, 2011, 02:07 AM
excellent. I hope there is a wedding sequel!

OMG Miffedmax PLZ. :drool:

DefyingGravity
Jul 15th, 2011, 02:19 AM
You should just put these all in a book.

Keadz
Jul 15th, 2011, 04:00 AM
I like how after years of reading these, I now believe all the personalities from these confrontation threads are accurate and true. :lol:

Good stuff. :)

Corswandt
Jul 15th, 2011, 10:24 AM
I like how after years of reading these, I now believe all the personalities from these confrontation threads are accurate and true. :lol:

At least as far as TF is concerned, miffedmax's portrait of Dementieva in these "Confrontation" and "Last flight out of" threads has effectively replaced reality (whatever that is in Dementieva's case) - that's how good his writing is.

I'm not up-to-date on Azarenka's tantrums and catalogue of insults beneath her breath. When/where did she say "fuck her mouth" or something of the sort?

Jane Lane
Jul 15th, 2011, 01:36 PM
LMFAO MAX I LOVE YOU. :hysteric:

MB.
Jul 15th, 2011, 01:40 PM
JJ in charge of margaritas. Caroline humblebragging. I love everything.

John.
Jul 15th, 2011, 01:46 PM
:haha:

M.P
Jul 15th, 2011, 02:19 PM
Vika :happy:

Mary Cherry.
Jul 15th, 2011, 02:22 PM
At least as far as TF is concerned, miffedmax's portrait of Dementieva in these "Confrontation" and "Last flight out of" threads has effectively replaced reality (whatever that is in Dementieva's case) - that's how good his writing is.

I'm not up-to-date on Azarenka's tantrums and catalogue of insults beneath her breath. When/where did she say "fuck her mouth" or something of the sort?

http://www.tennisforum.com/showthread.php?p=19826299#post19826299

miffedmax
Jul 15th, 2011, 02:26 PM
At least as far as TF is concerned, miffedmax's portrait of Dementieva in these "Confrontation" and "Last flight out of" threads has effectively replaced reality (whatever that is in Dementieva's case) - that's how good his writing is.

I'm not up-to-date on Azarenka's tantrums and catalogue of insults beneath her breath. When/where did she say "fuck her mouth" or something of the sort?

Shocking, I know, that there should be such allegations about such a ladylike, sweet tempered girl. Yet there was a thread awhile back where Azarenka was caught on taperumored to shout such Belorussian obscenitiesproverbs as "I'll fuck your mouth" and "Fuck your mother."

Muttering "fucking bitch" is a reference to the Sharapova incident at Rome (IIRC) earlier this year.

For all her being a bundle of rage, notice that my Vika character is too clever to wake the lionness in Lena and too kind to needle her evil sidekick Wicki by saying "Fuck your mother" to either of them.

Anyway, thanks for the good reps and comments. And best wishes to Lena and that other Max!:lol:

Corswandt
Jul 15th, 2011, 02:45 PM
http://www.tennisforum.com/showthread.php?p=19826299#post19826299

Grazie :hatoff:

backhandsmash
Jul 15th, 2011, 05:09 PM
Genius, Max. I'm laughing my arse off here.

deadparrot
Jul 15th, 2011, 05:50 PM
You've outdone yourself, Max :worship: You should call Maxim TOM (That Other Max) from now on ;)

Super Dave
Jul 15th, 2011, 05:52 PM
excellent. I hope there is a wedding sequel!

We need a wedding night hijinks recap.

"Why are you taking off your clothes? Are you hot? I'll go to the adjoining room and ask mommy how to turn on the air conditioner"

Ksenia_PervakFAN
Jul 15th, 2011, 06:38 PM
OMG ! so crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!

C. Drone
Jul 15th, 2011, 08:38 PM
:sobbing:
bravo, Max :bowdown:

Sammo
Jul 15th, 2011, 09:11 PM
Love it :lol:

five.games.all
Jul 15th, 2011, 10:31 PM
miffedmax, You are always the best!

tennisbum79
Jul 15th, 2011, 10:46 PM
the most clever to-date.:bounce::bounce:

:lol::lol:The whole thing was just a BIG dream:lol:

KarlyM*
Jul 15th, 2011, 10:47 PM
:haha:

tennisbum79
Jul 15th, 2011, 10:48 PM
It was worth the wait.
A classic

Danči Dementia
Jul 16th, 2011, 07:26 AM
oh Max :worship::rolls:


You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to miffedmax again. :sobbing:

same here :sobbing: