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miffedmax
May 17th, 2009, 04:34 PM
MY STEAM-PUNK, PARALLEL UNIVERSE FRENCH OPEN LRC THREAD… MAYBE NOT YOUR THING, BUT I HAD SOME TIME TO KILL AND NEEDED TO WRITE SOMETHING GOOFY TO RELIEVE STRESS IN MY LIFE...

ELENA D. WALKS INTO THE LOCKERROOM AT … WELL, SHE HAS A STRANGE FEELING IT’S NOT ROLAND GARROS, BUT IT IS A MAJOR TENNIS COMPLEX IN FRANCE. SVETA, MASHA THE LESSER, VIKA, NADIA, ALL DRESSED IN VICTORIAN STYLE MAID ATTIRE WORK FURIOUSLY—SVETA STRINGS A RACKET, MAKIRI SHINES SHOES, VIKA SEWS ON THE HEM OF A FULL-LENGTH TENNIS DRESS, NADIA IS REGRIPPING ANOTHER RACKET…

LENA:
What on earth…

NADIA:
Well, if it is the great-granddaughter of the greatest choking idiot in all of Russia…

LENA;
No! I saw the poll on tennisforum! Sveta beat me, I swear!

SVETA:

Hey, no fair!

MAKIRI:
She’s talking about your great-grandfather, General Dementiev, who, at the Battle of Borodino…

VIKA:
Just when it seemed the Russian Empire would drive back the French, was ordered to charge…

NADIA:
And in a moment of blind, choking panic, attacked in the wrong direction.

SVETA:

Russia lost. Sveta sad. Sveta no get to play tennis. Sveta just racket caddy for nice French lady now.

LENA:
What? Russia has all the best tennis players. Well, except for Serena and Venus…

SVETA:
Shhh! Not say those names!!

NADIA:
And go put on some clothes, you shameless hussy. You can’t just stand around in your underthings like that.

LENA:
What? These are my tennis clothes?

MAKIRI:
Please. Russian girls aren’t allowed to play tennis. And no decent lady goes around showing her arms and legs.

LENA:
Decent? I’m such a prude I don’t even kiss my boyfriend! Mommy Vera still supervises all my dates!

SVETA:

Sveta sorry to hear about Maxim. He pretty man.

LENA:
What? What happened to Maxim?

VIKA:
You’re starting to piss me off, you blonde idiot. We all know Max got captured by the Anglo-American Empire and sent to their worst prison camp.

LENA:
Maxim is in Gitmo?

MAKIRI:
Worse. Much worse. He’s in Buffalo.

LENA:
Have I stumbled into some bizarre parallel universe? Or am I serving for a match and just having a worse panic attack than usual?

ENTER CARO:

What’s this? Why is my racket caddy standing around in her underwear? Get dressed at once Elena. I don’t have all day.

LENA:
Well, at least this part makes sense…Caro does pretty much own my ass these days.

ENTER JUSTINE AND A PREGNANT KIM.

JUSTINE:
Allez! Allez!

VIKA:
I HATE it when she does that! Shuddap already! I’ll be done in a minute!

JUSTINE:
Impertinent little bitch! Where is my other racket caddy and my stool!

ENTER SAFINA CARRYING A STOOL.

JUSTINE:
Put down the stool.

SAFINA SETS THE STOOL DOWN IN FRONT OF VIKA. JUSTINE CLIMBS ON TOP OF IT TO SLAP VIKA.

Maybe that will teach you some manners!

VIKA:
Yeah.

LENA:
Wait… I thought you had retired…and I thought Kim already had her baby.

SVETA:
O lordy! Sveta don’t know nothing ‘bout birthing no babies!

KIM:
Sveta…you know, I’ll go to the hospital, you know. It’s the, you know, modern thing, to, you know, do.

SVETA:
Sveta not know. That’s what Sveta just say. Why no one ever listen to Sveta?

JUSTINE:
Why would I retire? I just won the Grand Slam for the second straight time!

LENA:
No, because Serena just won the Australian…

JUSTINE:

The Australian? Who cares about those Anglo-American fake slams! I’m talking about the real Slams—the French, the Spanish and the Batavian Opens! You better watch it with your talk about those fake foreign slams. Your already a known associate of the terrorist Myskina and her RFLFF!

LENA:
The RFLFF?

KIM:
You know, the Russian Fucking Liberation Fucking Front …

ENTER THE SERB SISTERS AND THE SLOVAKS.

JUSTINE:

If it isn’t our beloved Austrian allies…

MEANWHILE, AT A LARGE FIELD OUTSIDE OF LONDON…

RICHARD WILLIAMS MEETS WITH HIS DAUGHTERS. THEY STAND BESIDE AN ORNATE STEAM-POWERED ZEPPELIN TYPE AIRSHIP WITH ORNATE PARACHUTES ON THEIR BACKS…

VEE:
Dad, are you sure this is a good idea.

RICHARD:
Brilliant idea. Best idea I’ve ever had.

REE:
Just dropping us into the middle of Paris in broad daylight…

VEE:
Shouldn’t we send an army or something?

RICHARD:
That’s what everybody expects. That’s just what the tennis establishment would have us do. I don’t listen to them. Now, here’s your pilot…

ENTER ALEXA GLATCH.

VEE:

Dad, she can’t even drive a steam-powered bicycle!

ALEXA:
Hey, this is a very risky flight. We could very easily crash.

REE:
Yes. Which is why we want a different pilot.

ALEXA:
Please, I must have survived 50, 60 crashes. Where else you gonna find a pilot with that kind of experience?

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

Rix643
May 24th, 2009, 08:37 PM
:worship: Wonderful!! :bowdown:

LindsayRulz
May 24th, 2009, 08:50 PM
:haha:

+/-
May 24th, 2009, 10:11 PM
brilliant as always!!

Nicolas
May 24th, 2009, 10:17 PM
:spit:

AmeDevotee
May 25th, 2009, 01:15 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Is Amelie the "nice French lady"? :unsure:

Albireo
May 25th, 2009, 01:37 AM
I'm hearing Sveta speaking with the voice of Mongo from Blazing Saddles.

"Sveta not know--has something to do with where choo-choo go."

/Larry Scott: the Difference Engine