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barboza
Mar 29th, 2009, 08:26 AM
So, when I hooked up with this guy and had sex with him four years ago the first time we met. During thanksgiving that year, we both went to a club, and danced a little. When we were dancing, some guy came up to him, grinding behind his back. Needless to say, they ended up dancing the night away, while I was left waiting for him to drive me back home...

Two years ago, I had a boyfriend and we dated for quite a while. When we broke up, he soon found someone else. I could not stop thinking about why he was going out with that guy (over me). It really bothered me up to the point where I told a friend of mine to just hook up with the guy my ex was going out with.

Tonight, I went to a club and saw this super-cute guy I hooked up with a year ago. I really wanted to dance with him but I was shy. Another guy that goes to my school comes along flirting with him and made the move to dance with him. I was kind of outraged that I immediately proceeded to leave the club with a friend, cursing a lot on the way back.

What is wrong with me? Do I have jealousy issues? If so, how do I deal with them? Or am i just that controlling?

And has anyone else felt the same way?

kwilliams
Mar 29th, 2009, 08:59 AM
That last one is kinda weird. I would think you'd be more mad at yourself for not acting sooner or just have a c'est la vie attitude toward it.

You're probably just a little jealous and a little controlling but many people are their love lives.

How do you deal with it? Well, certainly try not to interfere with other people's relationships. Other than that try to be self aware and stop yourself when you think your actions are motivated by jealousy.

Marshmallow
Mar 29th, 2009, 07:06 PM
:speakles: Just how many Hook ups do you get through Barb? :p Kidding. But Iím sorry youíve been in such situations, they seem pretty unpleasant. :hug:

But I think youíre being unjustly harsh with yourself over this, because those 3 situations are all pretty different. Grouping them together will just paint a worse picture than might actually be. In fact, considering the events, the only thing I think your did that was a bit OTT was asking a friend to get with your exís new beau, otherwise the negative emotion you have around the three situations is expected.

That said, if you experienced then and now (while remembering) intense negative emotion like regret, my general advice would be:


1. To help reduce negative emotion, I suggest you ask yourself (and answer), what you could/would have done differently if given the chance, and then basically learn from your answers. At least this way you can avoid making the same mistakes, or dealing with same negative emotion.

2. It sounds like all three guys just werenít into you as much as you were into them :awww: :shrug:. From this position I think there are two main places to go. A. Either you become a bit more selective about the guys you get involved with, or if you want these particular (types of) guys to be into you as you are into them, you need to figure out what they like and within reason try to be it. I know thatís controversial advice but thatís probably the most effective way to obtain specific guys. But a word of warning; youíll probably find that trying to mould yourself to get with someone who likes that, probably wonít be as satisfying as youíd like. SO Iíd chose option A. But to help reduce your anxiety about this kind of stuff, look at it this way and this is the truthÖ even though these particular super cute guys didnít work out, there are super cute guys out there that want someone exactly like you and wonít put you in these types of situations. Therefore, thereís no good reason for you to get jealous or possessive if these guys arenít that into you. Just let them waltz out of your life, because sooner rather than later, even better super cuties will become available to you. Just be a bit more relaxed about all this, there not a limit supply of super cute guys, if it seems that way, youíre not looking in the right places :D. [I'm sorry I just don't know how to get to the point :sobbing: :p ]

3. For more practical tips I recommend listening to what kwilliams said.

How do you deal with it? Well, certainly try not to interfere with other people's relationships. Other than that try to be self aware and stop yourself when you think your actions are motivated by jealousy. Thatís good practical advice.

Hope you feel better about all this. :hug: :kiss:

Kart
Mar 29th, 2009, 07:50 PM
Seems to me that, if these guys had wanted to hook up with you, they would have.

I wouldn't take it so personally myself, we're all guilty sometimes of going for who we want on a particular day and that can change on a daily basis for a lot of people.

I'm sure you've turned down a few guys that wanted you before even without realising it so it all evens out.

That bit about sending someone else to hook up with your ex's boyfriend is stalkerish though - let it go.

Marshmallow
Mar 29th, 2009, 09:48 PM
Seems to me that, if these guys had wanted to hook up with you, they would have.

I wouldn't take it so personally myself, we're all guilty sometimes of going for who we want on a particular day and that can change on a daily basis for a lot of people.

I'm sure you've turned down a few guys that wanted you before even without realising it so it all evens out.

That bit about sending someone else to hook up with your ex's boyfriend is stalkerish though - let it go.

OOoOH Yes I like that :yeah:. I would have said it myself of course, but just to get more posts in threads I like to let others have a chance :p.

This is a hard topic to give advice on though, hope it all helps, Barb :D

bad_angel_109
Mar 30th, 2009, 08:26 AM
lol, yeah i'd have to agree the last one is a lil' weird. i just reckon ur jus annoyed at urself for dating guys who have the tendancy to go bak to their ex's.

Philbo
Mar 30th, 2009, 09:45 AM
Barboza - I think everyone has felt that horrible stab of jealousy in the pit of their stomach more times than they care to remember. With one of my exes, i kept thinking I was over our rship, then I would see him kissing someone else and I would get that horrible jealous feeling in my stomach and sometimes Id lash out and say some horrible things and it was just me jealousy coming out.

What Ive learnt over the years with jealousy is that, you shouldnt get angry with yourself when you feel jealous. I used to get angry with myself and ask questions like 'whats wrong with you, why do you still care, get over it' etc etc... But one day someone told me a great bit of wisdom, and that bit of wisdom was that feeling jealous is not in and of itself a bad thing, what MATTERS is how you deal with the jealousy.

So over time Ive been able to develop my emotional control to the point where, I still feel jealous from time to time, but instead of reacting to that jealousy and sulking about it or lashing verbally to hurt the person making me jealous, I now realise that the important thing is WHAT I DO IN RESPONSE TO MY JEALOUSY.

So nowadays when I feel that stab of jealousy, I have the ability to recongnise the emotion, not succumb to the first impulse that comes along to act out the jealousy and I just work through it in my own head.. I work out WHAT is making me jealous, I dont beat myself up over feeling the emotion and I try to talk myself into feeling a different emotion by conciously choosing a POSITIVE thought over the negative feeling one.

Shuji Shuriken
Mar 30th, 2009, 02:47 PM
lol, yeah i'd have to agree the last one is a lil' weird. i just reckon ur jus annoyed at urself for dating guys who have the tendancy to go bak to their ex's.
Brilliant post..thanks for this bit of advice, as this issue is one that refers to me right now after a bad breakup :o.

~Eclipsed~
Mar 30th, 2009, 04:07 PM
Barboza - I think everyone has felt that horrible stab of jealousy in the pit of their stomach more times than they care to remember. With one of my exes, i kept thinking I was over our rship, then I would see him kissing someone else and I would get that horrible jealous feeling in my stomach and sometimes Id lash out and say some horrible things and it was just me jealousy coming out.

What Ive learnt over the years with jealousy is that, you shouldnt get angry with yourself when you feel jealous. I used to get angry with myself and ask questions like 'whats wrong with you, why do you still care, get over it' etc etc... But one day someone told me a great bit of wisdom, and that bit of wisdom was that feeling jealous is not in and of itself a bad thing, what MATTERS is how you deal with the jealousy.

So over time Ive been able to develop my emotional control to the point where, I still feel jealous from time to time, but instead of reacting to that jealousy and sulking about it or lashing verbally to hurt the person making me jealous, I now realise that the important thing is WHAT I DO IN RESPONSE TO MY JEALOUSY.

So nowadays when I feel that stab of jealousy, I have the ability to recongnise the emotion, not succumb to the first impulse that comes along to act out the jealousy and I just work through it in my own head.. I work out WHAT is making me jealous, I dont beat myself up over feeling the emotion and I try to talk myself into feeling a different emotion by conciously choosing a POSITIVE thought over the negative feeling one.

Your posts about relationships seem to always speak to me. :p

I would succumb to that jealousy, negative thinking, but am slowly getting better with it. I've only recently got over my EX, I realized I was holding onto feelings for him for mainly wrong reasons. Now i dont' even really like to talk to him, but he initiates conversation with me a lot. Even though he doesnt' do it intentionally, I end up getting hurt and losing sleep sometimes when I talk to him. I still have to work on that, because I get mad at myself for letting one person do that to me.

To the OP, the second situation is a lot different that the other two. Did you ever think that you hookup a little fast? I don't know you really at all, but maybe you should try playing harder to get? If you better assess what you're looking for in a guy, maybe you won't be so inclined to hookup based off "super cuteness" alone and you'll reduce the chances of getting hurt.

I think it's normal for some amount of jealousy and controlling thoughts to be in anyone's head. It's natural for anyone to want their partner to be their one and only. But if you are controlling over people you aren't even with, that's a problem.

Philbo
Mar 30th, 2009, 04:19 PM
Your posts about relationships seem to always speak to me. :p

I would succumb to that jealousy, negative thinking, but am slowly getting better with it. I've only recently got over my EX, I realized I was holding onto feelings for him for mainly wrong reasons. Now i dont' even really like to talk to him, but he initiates conversation with me a lot. Even though he doesnt' do it intentionally, I end up getting hurt and losing sleep sometimes when I talk to him. I still have to work on that, because I get mad at myself for letting one person do that to me.

To the OP, the second situation is a lot different that the other two. Did you ever think that you hookup a little fast? I don't know you really at all, but maybe you should try playing harder to get? If you better assess what you're looking for in a guy, maybe you won't be so inclined to hookup based off "super cuteness" alone and you'll reduce the chances of getting hurt.

I think it's normal for some amount of jealousy and controlling thoughts to be in anyone's head. It's natural for anyone to want their partner to be their one and only. But if you are controlling over people you aren't even with, that's a problem.

Im glad to hear that Eclipsed! Makes all the pain and tears worthwhile to know the wisdom Ive picked up along the way can help someone else in some small way... :)

Shuji Shuriken
Mar 31st, 2009, 12:20 AM
Im glad to hear that Eclipsed! Makes all the pain and tears worthwhile to know the wisdom Ive picked up along the way can help someone else in some small way... :)
I as well was referring to your post, but somehow quoted the wrong one :o. Brilliant advice :sobbing:.

Philbo
Mar 31st, 2009, 10:53 AM
Courage
One of the highest forms of courage is the ability to face my own negativity without feeling guilty or bad about myself, and then take responsibility for changing it. To begin this process, I first make contact with my deepest spiritual core. Reflecting on the things I care about mostly gives me a glimpse of my innate goodness. The courage to let go of unwanted thoughts and feelings will develop when I accept that my higher, divine self is not separate from me, but lies at the very heart of who I am.