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tennisbuddy12
Oct 31st, 2007, 01:08 AM
I am writing a persuasive essay on high school dropouts and I would like any input. I have a 69 in the class and i need a 70 to pass. Its extra credit so it could help a lot. It has to have 'loaded language'....


-opinions
-tips
-paragraphs :p
-anything!

IceHock
Oct 31st, 2007, 01:13 AM
well yah might wanna use something about not having people pushing them to do better,obviously drugs could come into play, the parents, the friends they hang out with.

tennisbuddy12
Oct 31st, 2007, 01:18 AM
thanks...i have to persuade on my opinion that you shouldnt drop out...

Sally Struthers
Oct 31st, 2007, 01:18 AM
write it and post it here. Then we can critique what you have done.

tennisbuddy12
Oct 31st, 2007, 01:22 AM
well i havent started but i am going to finish it and will be up tomorrow :)

Sally Struthers
Oct 31st, 2007, 01:27 AM
reasons against:
1. The make significantly less money than people with college degrees or even just a high school diploma
2. more likely to be incarcerated
3. worse health
4. more likely to be single parents
5. more likely to be unemployed

now you have to go and find the statistics to back that up but a quick google search shows it is there.

drake3781
Oct 31st, 2007, 04:24 AM
What is "loaded language"?

Sally Struthers
Oct 31st, 2007, 05:36 AM
What is "loaded language"?

big words and complete sentences lol

fufuqifuqishahah
Oct 31st, 2007, 05:42 AM
you should write about how if you don't get a good grade on the paper that your chances of becoming a high school dropout yourself increases

kittyking
Oct 31st, 2007, 05:56 AM
You should write that Gay sex stimulates more muscles than Heterosexual sex and its been proven that people who are more stimulated get better grades.

Jeff
Oct 31st, 2007, 06:25 AM
I don't mean to be harsh, but for me education is important. I know that you have asked for advice here on other subjects, as well. It seems to me that in order to improve your grades, you need to start studying more and coming up with your own ideas. Rather than asking for answers, you could ask your teacher for help, get a tudor, talk with friends, or even search the internet for information...and by information I don't mean having others tell you the answer, I mean look for what has already been written/discussed/articles so you can create a "persuasive" essay from your your own point of view."

If you continue to ask others for the answers then you will never improve. I'm not trying to be rude with you, just trying to give you real help.

Pasta-Na
Oct 31st, 2007, 10:40 AM
I am writing a persuasive essay on high school dropouts and I would like any input. I have a 69 in the class and i need a 70 to pass. Its extra credit so it could help a lot. It has to have 'loaded language'....


-opinions
-tips
-paragraphs :p
-anything!

:scared: :tape: :p

kittyking
Oct 31st, 2007, 11:24 AM
:scared: :tape: :p

:rolls: why didnt I think of that

tucker1989
Oct 31st, 2007, 12:10 PM
I don't mean to be harsh, but for me education is important. I know that you have asked for advice here on other subjects, as well. It seems to me that in order to improve your grades, you need to start studying more and coming up with your own ideas. Rather than asking for answers, you could ask your teacher for help, get a tudor, talk with friends, or even search the internet for information...and by information I don't mean having others tell you the answer, I mean look for what has already been written/discussed/articles so you can create a "persuasive" essay from your your own point of view."

If you continue to ask others for the answers then you will never improve. I'm not trying to be rude with you, just trying to give you real help.

I completely agree. It looks like you are just trying to find the easy way out.

Ilikebigboobies
Oct 31st, 2007, 12:44 PM
I think school is shit. :)

Please write that in your report. Top marks. :worship:

hdfb
Oct 31st, 2007, 01:34 PM
You should write how society turns a blind eye on such youths and they do not receive the help they desperately need to get their life and education back on track.

tennisbuddy12
Nov 1st, 2007, 01:18 AM
I completely agree. It looks like you are just trying to find the easy way out.

I was failing with a 65 for the longest time and brought it up almost 10 points and then a test came and most of the people that passed cheated and I didnt cheat...so I failed and my grade went down. Its no that Im trying to take the easy way out. I just need a foundation to jump off of. Another chick took my idea so now its like a competition to see whos is better. My teacher isnt the most friendly person and I know 100 percent that he will no help out with this extra credit....trust me...

UDACHi
Nov 1st, 2007, 01:20 AM
70 to pass? :scratch:
it's 60 for every class here.

tennisbuddy12
Nov 2nd, 2007, 02:56 AM
High School Dropout
Given this assignment, I had no idea on which topic to choose from. There is a copious amount of topics to choose from ranging from steroid use to suicide. I ended up going with high school dropouts, which I felt I would give a liable argument on. A very close family member of mine dropped out of high school at age 16 because she despised school and felt like ‘it wasn’t her thing.’ She ended up working at a local Burger King. After just 1 month out in the real world, she realized her decision was flawed and decided to go back to school.
There is a wide array of reasons on why to stay in high school. High school builds you the confidence you need to face ‘real world’ situations. It gives you time to grow and to learn a lot about yourself. High school is the apex of you’re adolescence and helps you stay off the wrong path. Statistics show that students who graduate high school are less likely to be incarcerated, be a single parent or be unemployed. Also, statistics show that you have a larger chance you would become addicted to drugs if you don’t graduate high school. The media portrays high school dropouts in many different commercials, acknowledging the fact that high school graduates make more money than ones that drop out of school.
There are zero advantages to dropping out of high school but there are many reasons why students drop out. Grades are the biggest factor which lowers confidence,

eventually caving in to pressure. My family member had bad grades and thought quitting would be the best possibility to choose for her. Family crises are another big factor in kids dropping out. When you don’t have a proper shelter at home, you tend to wander off and fall into the wrong crowd. The world is huge and dropping out isn’t the way to go.
Obviously, dropping out of high school isn’t the wisest choice to take. High school gives you the building blocks to life. Without it, you fail. For me and you, stay in school. You will not develop properly if you don’t stay in school. The only positive for my family member dropping out was meeting her spouse at Burger King. She regrets her decision to quit. She quit in January and came back in September due to problems with her credits. Quitting is tough and trying to come back is tougher. Before making a decision on dropping out of school or even quitting a program, think of the positives before the negatives.

Ryan
Nov 2nd, 2007, 03:03 AM
I think Sally's list is pretty bang on. Do some research, and write from YOUR opinion. It wont be very good if its a mash of 27 internet strangers' opinions.

Sally Struthers
Nov 2nd, 2007, 03:24 AM
High School Dropout
Given this assignment, I had no idea on which topic to choose from. There is a copious amount of topics to choose from ranging from steroid use to suicide. I ended up going with high school dropouts, which I felt I would give a liable argument on. A very close family member of mine dropped out of high school at age 16 because she despised school and felt like ‘it wasn’t her thing.’ She ended up working at a local Burger King. After just 1 month out in the real world, she realized her decision was flawed and decided to go back to school.
There is a wide array of reasons on why to stay in high school. High school builds you the confidence you need to face ‘real world’ situations. It gives you time to grow and to learn a lot about yourself. High school is the apex of you’re adolescence and helps you stay off the wrong path. Statistics show that students who graduate high school are less likely to be incarcerated, be a single parent or be unemployed. Also, statistics show that you have a larger chance you would become addicted to drugs if you don’t graduate high school. The media portrays high school dropouts in many different commercials, acknowledging the fact that high school graduates make more money than ones that drop out of school.
There are zero advantages to dropping out of high school but there are many reasons why students drop out. Grades are the biggest factor which lowers confidence,

eventually caving in to pressure. My family member had bad grades and thought quitting would be the best possibility to choose for her. Family crises are another big factor in kids dropping out. When you don’t have a proper shelter at home, you tend to wander off and fall into the wrong crowd. The world is huge and dropping out isn’t the way to go.
Obviously, dropping out of high school isn’t the wisest choice to take. High school gives you the building blocks to life. Without it, you fail. For me and you, stay in school. You will not develop properly if you don’t stay in school. The only positive for my family member dropping out was meeting her spouse at Burger King. She regrets her decision to quit. She quit in January and came back in September due to problems with her credits. Quitting is tough and trying to come back is tougher. Before making a decision on dropping out of school or even quitting a program, think of the positives before the negatives.

oh dear... I can see why you are failing. :tape: I'd give that a C- or D... I have to go now but I'll try to fix what is salvageable in a couple of hours :P

égalité
Nov 2nd, 2007, 03:30 AM
Spend less time on WTAWorld? :tape:

What grade are you in, by the way?

Sally Struthers
Nov 2nd, 2007, 06:05 AM
I have no interest in rewriting this for you since the way you approached it is not how I would have done it so I'll just fix the grammar errors and some general things.

High School Dropout
Given this assignment, I had no idea on which topic to choose from. There is a copious amount of topics to choose from ranging from steroid use to suicide. I ended up going with high school dropouts, which I felt I would give a liable argument on.

All of this is totally unnecessary and just page filler. Teachers see through that crap instantly. They know what the assignment is. You don't have to tell them.


A very close family member of mine dropped out of high school at age 16 because she despised school and felt like "it wasn’t her thing."


quotations please .. not apostrophes


She ended up working at a local Burger King. After just 1 month, out in the real world, she realized that her decision was flawed and decided to go back to school.

I added "that." It's ok for you to leave it out but I don't like implied "that's" in noun clauses. I would add additional information after that sentence to explain what caused her to realize that she made a mistake.

There is a wide array of reasons on why to stay in high school.

change that to there are a number of reasons to stay in high school

High school builds you the confidence you need to face ‘real world’ situations. It gives you time to grow and to learn a lot about yourself. High school is the apex of you’re adolescence and helps you stay off the wrong path.

Is that really the most important reason? I don't think so. I would put my most compelling argument first. Don't use "you." Say "a person needs" or "one needs." Again, apostrophes and quotations are not the same thing or interchangeable. "You're" means "you are," while "your" indicates possession. Also, can we lose "real world?" It's so cliche

Statistics show that students who graduate high school are less likely to be incarcerated, be a single parent or be unemployed.

I think it would make more of an impact if you said that drop outs were more likely to be a,b, and c.


Also, statistics show that you have a larger chance you would become addicted to drugs if you don’t graduate high school.

"Also, statistics show that high school drop outs have a larger chance of becoming addicted to drugs."

The media portrays high school dropouts in many different commercials, acknowledging the fact that high school graduates make more money than ones that drop out of school.

I would cut the part about "the media." Just cut the crap and say that high school drop outs make less than graduates, which should be your most important point and moved to the top of the list.


There are zero advantages to dropping out of high school but there are many reasons why students drop out. Poorgrades are the biggest factor which lowers confidence, eventually caving in to pressure.

this is just a crappy sentence. Rewrite it: Many reasons compel students to drop out from high school. Poor grades, which lower confidence, constitute the largest problem.

Watch the subject verb agreement again...
(you'll notice I changed your first sentence around and removed "are." Active voice makes for stronger writing. Try to get rid of all the forms of "to be" i.e. is, are, was, were, etc).



My family member had bad grades and thought quitting would be the best possibility to choose for her.

"My relative (why don't you name her?) had bad grades and thought that quitting was her best option."

Family crises are another big factor in kids dropping out. When you don’t have a proper shelter at home, you tend to wander off and fall into the wrong crowd. The world is huge and dropping out isn’t the way to go.

Family crises also cause many students to drop out of high school. Kids who don't have a good support system at home often end up turning to the wrong crowd to compensate.

Obviously, dropping out of high school isn’t the wisest choice to take. High school gives you the building blocks to life. Without it, you fail. For me and you, stay in school. You will not develop properly if you don’t stay in school. The only positive for my family member dropping out was meeting her spouse at Burger King. She regrets her decision to quit. She quit in January and came back in September due to problems with her credits. Quitting is tough and trying to come back is tougher. Before making a decision on dropping out of school or even quitting a program, think of the positives before the negatives.

This whole paragraph is ridiculous and should be scrapped.


On the whole I think you need to think about rearranging things and ordering stuff differently. You could start with your relative's situation as an introductory paragraph. It could be someting as simple as:

A relative of mine dropped out of high school because she despised school and felt like "it wasn't her thing." After one month, she realized her mistake. She had no money, a job with no future, and a poor relationship with her family.

then add info as to what made her change her mind. One or two sentences will do. Then start a new paragraph and go into all the reasons why kids should stay in school. Mention the money first and then the drugs and health benefits. I would suggest a new paragraph for each reason with supporting arguments for each but this seems to be an abridged version and not in your skill range.

After that start a new paragraph to conclude. You could end it by telling how your cousin chose to go back to school.

tennisbuddy12
Nov 2nd, 2007, 11:25 AM
Spend less time on WTAWorld? :tape:

What grade are you in, by the way?

11th...


Thanks for all of the feedback everyone!

good and bad...sorry it was a crappy paper.

kittyking
Nov 2nd, 2007, 11:35 AM
Sally Struthers can you do my homework please :p

tennisbuddy12
Nov 2nd, 2007, 09:23 PM
The presentation went well...My time was 1:57 and another girl did the same topic and IMO i did way better than her....Thanks for all the help!