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View Full Version : The premature, lie there like a frog US Open Confrontation Thread


miffedmax
Aug 21st, 2007, 09:32 PM
OKAY, THIS MAY BE AS PREMATURE AS ADAM LEVINE, BUT I HAD A LONG PLANE RIDE LAST NIGHT, AND I WAS BORED. I WAS GOING TO WAIT BUT WHAT THE HELL . . .

OPEN ON AN APPARENTLY EMPTY LOCKERROOM. IT IS DEAD SILENT. IN ALL THE HISTORY OF LOCKERROMS, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ONE AS SILENT AS THIS ONE. TOMBS, (ESPECIALLY NASTYAíS) ARE NOISER THAN THIS LOCKERROOM.

ENTER LENA D. SHE LOOKS AROUND.

LENA: I guess Iím the first one here. Maybe Iíll work on my serve. (laughs). Oh, Iím so funny sometimes . . .

SUDDENLY SHE HEARS A NOISE, LIKE SOMEBODY JUMPING TO THEIR FEET.

LENA:
Whoís there?

LENA PEEKS AROUND A CORNER TO SPOT QUEEN MASHA, CLAD ONLY IN A TOWEL AND HOLDING A SUSPICIOUSLY SHAPED OBJECT IN HER HAND.

LENA:
Hello. Whatís that? SHE POINTS AT THE SUSPICIOUSLY SHAPED OBJECT.

MASHA:
This? Oh, uh, itís just a banana . . .

LENA:
A pink banana?

MASHA:
Oh, no, wait, you mean this. Well, you see, uh, we . . . we are testing a new racket handle for Prince.

LENA:
Oh, donít let me interrupt.

MASHA:
Itís too late. With all the noise youíre making youíve completely made us lose our concentration.

LENA:
Wait, are you sure thatís a racket handle? Iíve seen one of those before . . .

MASHA:
Youíve seen one of these before?

LENA:
Of course, silly. Mommy Vera has one.

MASHA:
Your mother has one?

LENA:
Itís a neck massager.

MASHA:
Yes . . . thatís what it is . . . a neck massager.

ENTER HINGIS:
Hey! What the hell are you doing with Radek?

MASHA:
We have nothing to do with your silly old ex #3008 . . .

ENTER MAKIRI:
Sheís talking about your toy. She names hers after her ex boyfriends.

HINGIS:
Yeah, well, that makes sense, since theyíre all pricks.

LENA:
Thatís not a toy! Mommy Vera told me if she ever caught me playing with hers sheíd snatch my arms bald!

ENTER JJ:
Yeah, well, from what weíve heard youíve been pricked with a Saber yourself.

LENA:
What? Are you talking about Maxim? I love being here in New York. Itís so close to Buffalo.

ENTER VEE AND REE:

REE:
Buffalo? Freakiní Buffalo?Ē

LENA:
Donít insult Buffalo. Itís the most wonderful city in America. Well, except for Gary Indiana. They remind me of Moscow.

VEE:
Why? The piles of snow? The peculiar smells? The boarded up factories?

LENA:
I was thinking it was that they all start with vowels, but your reasons are good, too.

ENTER TATI:

TATI;
Hey. Look, for the first time in months Iím fit enough to be part of a Locker Room Confrontation . . . whoops!

TATI SLIPS AND FALLS ON A BANANA PEEL, SPRAINING HER ANKLE AND KNOCKING HERSELF UNCONCIOUS.

ENTER DULKO.

GISELA:
Hey, has anybody seen a . . . hey, Masha, give it back.

ENTER ANA AND KIM:

ANA:
So, how many finals will I have to lose to be as loved as you?

KIM:
Well, that depends on . . . hey, whatís she doing with that? Itís mine.

ANA:
Are you sure? Because I had one just like it . . .

KIM:
Oh, then it must be yours.

ANA:
Donít be silly. Iím sure itís yours.

SUDDENLY, SVETA FALLS OUT OF THE SKY. SHE HITS THE FLOOR, KNOCKING A SVETA-SHAPED HOLE IN THE IT AND KEEPS FALLING.

SVETA: (voice is very faint and far off).
Itís okay! I landed face-first!

VEE:
Sveta, Mykina, Lena D. over there, it is absolutely raining Russians these days.

ENTER JUSTINE AND NIKKI:

JUSTINE:

Iím glad to see you have wised up. Boys are so rotten. You take them to dinner, buy them nice clothes, give them a ride in your Porsche . . . and they wonít even put out. I love my new Harry Potter broomstick though . . .

REE:
What kind of boys you been with that wonít put out?

KIM:
You know what kind she was with.

LENA:
American boys?

JJ:
Are you kidding, Justine? Boys are fun to collect and trade . . .

Gisela:
Yes, and watch their rankings drop when you . . .

NIKKI:
Is anybody about to dump a male tennis player? Because you know I just love sloppy . . .

HINGIS:
We need a little less talk and a little more action around here. Give the toy to me.

MASHA:

No! Itís ours!

KIM:
Listen, there is only one fair way to solve this . . . whoever wins the US Open gets the toy.

LENA (stomping foot and rolling eyes):

I already told you, itís NOT A TOY!




Maybe to be continued. . .

Bruno71
Aug 21st, 2007, 09:42 PM
TATI;
Hey. Look, for the first time in months Iím fit enough to be part of a Locker Room Confrontation . . . whoops!

TATI SLIPS AND FALLS ON A BANANA PEEL, SPRAINING HER ANKLE AND KNOCKING HERSELF UNCONCIOUS.

Awesome!

Slutiana
Aug 21st, 2007, 10:24 PM
ENTER TATI:

TATI;
Hey. Look, for the first time in months Iím fit enough to be part of a Locker Room Confrontation . . . whoops!

TATI SLIPS AND FALLS ON A BANANA PEEL, SPRAINING HER ANKLE AND KNOCKING HERSELF UNCONCIOUS.



:haha::tape::o:sad::hysteric:

alexia1huff
Aug 21st, 2007, 10:28 PM
SVETA: (voice is very faint and far off).
It’s okay! I landed face-first! hahah :love:

maria "concentrating" is also SOOO GOOD.

LOVED IT!!!

schorsch
Aug 21st, 2007, 10:42 PM
gahahahahah funny :)

sfselesfan
Aug 24th, 2007, 09:14 PM
Bump.

:)

Just Do It
Aug 24th, 2007, 09:25 PM
I would like someone to do something with Brie ( in the stands ) :lol:

Bruno71
Aug 24th, 2007, 09:41 PM
US Open Lockerroom, Flushing Meadows, NYC, NY, August 27, 2007

Sybille Bammer, Martina Hingis, Ana Ivanovic, and Daniela Hantuchova exchange pleasantries and get ready for their respective practices.

Enter Marion Bartoli, crying, holding a half-eaten cupcake in her left hand, and a balloon string in her right, with the balloon missing.

MARION: Zhou guys, has anybody seen mon ballon?

SYBILLE: Balloon? No, sorry.

MARION: Balloo...

ANA: Marionwhyareyoucryingsohard?it'sjustaballoonwecang etyouanotherone!

MARTINA: Yeah Marion, don't sweat it, is it your birthday or something?

MARION: Mais non, eet was a geeft from daddy for making zee top 10. Eet had "#10" written on eet. A Venus serve knocked eet out of my hands, and zen I kept trying to hold eet but I couldn't keep zees een my hands! Eet kept flying away from me, like, how you say, irretrouvabahl?

DANI: Well, about you making #10, technically...

MARION (now sobbing hysterically): Tais-toi Daniela! Don't rub eet een! Zhou skeeny-baleenkee!

DANI: I'm sorry, I'm sure you'll find your balloon someday soon. Just keep trying! I'll just go back there and pet my whale now.

Ana, Sybille, & Martina struggle to hold back the chuckles.

MARTINA: Oh wait! I think I see your balloon up there Marion!

MARION: Le where?

SYBILLE: I see it, way up there, in the rafters...I think I can get it down.

MARION: Le how?

SYBILLE: I'll toss a tennis ball up there and see if I can jostle it loose from where it's stuck.

Sybille tosses the ball up 50 feet, but it misses the balloon and appears to not fall back down. The balloon mysteriously disappears.

SYBILLE: Scheisse!

ANA: IreallythinkyoushouldworkonyourballtossSybille,itc angetalittlehighattimesandhardtocontrol.

SYBILLE: Could you slow down Ana, it's really hard to understand you when you talk so fast.

ANA: IsaidIthinkyoushouldmodifyyourballtossreallyyeahth at'dbesomethingyoushoulddoforsureand...(Ana takes a quick breath)
I'monlysayingthatbecauseI'myourfriendandwannahelpy oubutwouldyoupleaseconsiderit?

SYBILLE: Um, OK sure, thanks.

Sybille shrugs and walks out, having not quite followed Ana's verbiage.

MARION (bawling intensely and stomping her feet): I want mon balloo! I want mon balloo!

Enter Sania Mirza, clad in a bellydancing outfit.

SANIA: What on Earth's all the ruckus back here? I'm trying to get my forehand fine-tuned through the mystical and exotic art of bellydance and I can't concentrate!

ANA: Marionlosthertop10balloonit'sreallysadIhopeshefind sitbutshe'shystericalIreallywanttohelphersomehow.. .(breath) butmymindisgoingamileaminuteandIcantslowdown.

MARTINA (under her breath): Hmmm, the bellydancing...so THAT'S how she gets those forehands to blaze across the court like a bolt of South Asian lightning! Must...tap...that...power...

SANIA: What'd you say Martina?

MARTINA (looking down at her shoes): Oh, nothing.

Marion continues her tantrum, interchangeably racing around the room wildly and mimicking her pre-service jumping regimen in a vain attempt to reach the balloon.

Enter Justine Henin

JUSTINE (fearful): What's up with Marion running around the room? I hope she's not about to steamroll me again!

Enter Jelena Jankovic

JELENA (fearful): What's up with Marion running around the room? I hope she's not about to steamroll me again!

Enter Nicole Vaidisova

NICOLE (dressed in an open beige overcoat): Citizen watches! Get yer Citizen watches! So on time they make the Swiss feel late!

MARTINA: The Swiss scoff at your piddling Citizen watches! Hmmmphh!

NICOLE (snapping at Martina): Can't you see I'm working? Say that in Czech, Hingisova, I just dare you!

Martina turns around and runs out of the room, in fear of a vicious ballbashing.

SANIA (following Martina out, bellydancing): Oh Martiiiiiina...wait up!...wanna play "stuff the bellydancer's skirt" again?

Nicole, pissed off, ventures back out to hock her wares. Meanwhile, Marion is still running around like crazy...

MARION: I can't believe I lose eet! Le wah! Le sniffle!

JUSTINE (whispering to Jelena): That's how I felt about Wimbledon this year.

JELENA (whispering back somberly): Must've been raining for your match with her too then, huh?

JUSTINE (rolling her eyes, and unintentionally louder): Non, I got whitewashed by Pierce Brosnan!

Marion halts abruptly.

MARION: Oh Piiiiiierce ees so dreamy. Reminds me of daddy, wees zee long iron pipe.

JELENA (whispering to Justine again): Why do I have this strange feeling Pierce likes the Chinese players better than Marion?

Justine shrugs

Enter Agnes Szavay

AGNES: Marion! I got your balloon! Dani'd stuffed it away in her locker. I had to wrestle it away from her. Here you go.

MARION: Oh la la mon Dieu! You're my savior!

All the players stare at Marion's balloon, hoping it will burst sooner than later.

heytennis
Aug 24th, 2007, 11:22 PM
:lol: Hilarious stuff

Dexter
Aug 24th, 2007, 11:29 PM
I missed Max' first entry... great as ever. :lol:

*edits* And so is Bruno's. ;)

alexia1huff
Aug 25th, 2007, 09:31 AM
DANI: I'm sorry, I'm sure you'll find your balloon someday soon. Just keep trying! I'll just go back there and pet my whale now. :hearts: :lol:

does ana really talk that fast, i haven't noticed...

xan
Aug 25th, 2007, 11:57 AM
From a thread i started earlier, not knowing this one was open...

BIG BROTHER IN THE LOCKER ROOM

Several players are in a brightly-lit room with garish furniture and lots of mirrors.

ANNOUNCER: Amelie and Jelena are in the Living Area.

AMELIE: Why are we all living together like this in this ugly house? Where are the old locker rooms?

JELENA: It's the latest idea to boost the TV ratings - US Open Big Brother. But I don't know how I'll manage to fit in this AND play two matches a day.

MARIA K: Two matches a day? You can't do that!

JELENA: Why not? I can't waste my time playing just one tournament a week. I'm also playing an ITF and a Legends Exhibition. I can't understand why I'm not No 1 already. I've got 15,000 ranking points.

MARIA K: But they only count your best 17 tournaments...

JELENA: (screams and clasps head in hands) What!!!!?

(FADE OUT)

ANNOUNCER: Justine is in the Diary Room.

Shot of Justine in front of a huge chair.

JUSTINE: It is I, Big brother. Queen Justine. Ze Number 1.

VOICE OF BIG BROTHER: What is it, Queen Justine?

JUSTINE: I just wonder why I start out as favourite in all these slams, but I only win the French. Why is that?

VOICE OF BIG BROTHER: Maybe its because when they're not in Paris the other players aren't so terrified of getting torn apart by the crowd if they win.

JUSTINE: I never thought of that.

VOICE OF BIG BROTHER: You may stand up and leave now, Justine.

JUSTINE: I AM standing up!

(FADE OUT)

ANNOUNCER: Maria and Nicole are in the bathroom.

Shot of Maria S and Nicole V trying on new outfits.

MARIA: Why are you always copying me?

NICOLE: I do NOT copy you. I have my own unique personality and style! By the way can I borrow your visor, dress and earrrings, they're just like mine?

MARIA: No! Get your own stuff! And why have you got a Night Dress this year? I didn't know they did night matches out on Court 14?

NICOLE: Shaddup! What have you won this year?

MARIA: The US Open Series - and I was injured!

NICOLE: I've been injured too!

MARIA: (Walks out) Aaaaaaggghhh! Will you stop copying me?

(FADE OUT)

ANNOUNCER: Most of the Housemates are in the Kitchen.

MARION B: (Stirs mixing bowl.) What we need now is lots of butter and suet. Then we'll have the perfect dumplings.

ANA I: I shouldn't really eat all that. I worry about putting on weight you know.

MARION: I used to have that problem. But I solved it. Now I don't worry.

AMELIE: (Looks at Ana) But most of yours is muscle. I like that in a woman. I wonder what will be the first Big Brother romance this year?

SVETA: (gives a big wink) Who knows? You may get lucky.

NADIA P: (Is making some tea. She pours water in the pot. Stirs, puts the tea in a cup and drinks it.) Pwoaugghh! (she spits out the tea and hurls the cup across the room, where it smashes.) This tea is awful! I made another mistake! Why can't I get it right? Why can't I do it right after all these years of practice? Why? Why? (She picks up the teapot and starts beating it into a pretzel against the wall.) Somebody go and fire my coach!

VOICE OF BIG BROTHER: This is Big Brother. No violence is permitted in the Big Brother house.

SERENA: Hey. This is Big Sister. There's going to be plenty more violence if somebody doesn't get some hamburgers in here double quick. (picks up bag of flour and some dried beans.) What is this stuff? It's mouse food. I can't cook this.

MARION: You can't cook?

MARIA: I can't boil an egg. When you get to be a Grand Slam winner, you always have someone to cook for you.

ELENA D: Oh dear. Then I'd better go and find Mama's recipe book.

miffedmax
Aug 27th, 2007, 02:33 AM
Where are some of our other regular contributuors? Don't tell me they've gone and gotten lives or something.

C'mon, if we can't make fun of really talented women, what good are we?

bellascarlett
Aug 27th, 2007, 06:28 AM
ENTER TATI:

TATI;
Hey. Look, for the first time in months Iím fit enough to be part of a Locker Room Confrontation . . . whoops!

TATI SLIPS AND FALLS ON A BANANA PEEL, SPRAINING HER ANKLE AND KNOCKING HERSELF UNCONCIOUS.


:lol:

Good stuff guys! :) Keep it coming.

alexia1huff
Aug 27th, 2007, 09:52 AM
It's the latest idea to boost the TV ratings - US Open Big Brother.

This is a GREAT idea!!! Like it, not over explained!

-sugi-
Aug 27th, 2007, 10:40 AM
:haha:

Hashim.
Aug 27th, 2007, 10:59 AM
:rolls:
i loved it :rocker2:

hdfb
Aug 27th, 2007, 11:06 AM
keep 'em coming!

mankind
Aug 27th, 2007, 11:47 AM
Very good. Loved all the subtle cultural allusions. :)

@Sweet Cleopatra
Aug 27th, 2007, 12:32 PM
http://www.asmilies.com/smiliespic/psmilie/025.gif (http://www.asmilies.com)

LCS
Aug 27th, 2007, 12:55 PM
Devastatingly good. Loved Tatiana's part. LOL

Doc
Aug 27th, 2007, 01:41 PM
:haha:

DA FOREHAND
Aug 27th, 2007, 01:45 PM
"LENA PEEKS AROUND A CORNER TO SPOT QUEEN MASHA, CLAD ONLY IN A TOWEL AND HOLDING A SUSPICIOUSLY SHAPED OBJECT IN HER HAND."

LOL Do you work for NYPD, or LAPD?