PDA

View Full Version : Last Flight out of Paris '06


miffedmax
Jun 12th, 2006, 03:07 PM
LAST FLIGHT OUT OF PARIS.

(Okay, I had a computer problem and a lot of work, so I never finished my LRC threat. Iím going to be lazy and carry it over into the Last Flight. When I left, off, Linds and Martina had forged an alliance and Linds had provided Martina H with: an endorsement contract for Halliburton . . . a DNA test . . . a report on the side effects of too much fruit juice . . . pain pill prescriptions . . . a French passport . . . a recipe for garlic donuts . . . a contract to redecorate Versailles . . . a bunch of old tournament draws. The items have done their damage, and the various ladies must find a way to overcome them before Wimbledon)

SCENE OPENS ON AN EVEN MORE FORLORN LENA D. HER ONCE STARCHED PINAFORE IS WRINKLED AND STAINED; HER HAIR IS A RATíS NEST, SHE IS MISSING A SHOE. SHE CLUTCHES A TENNIS RACKET, TO WHICH SHE HAS GLUED SOME YARN FOR HAIR AND PAINTED A FACE ON THE STRINGS. SHE STANDS IN THE DOOR OF THE PLANE.

LENA D:
I should have known Mommy Vera wasnít really my mommy! Sheís so mean, isnít she Mommy Yonex? Iím glad my friend Martina gave me that DNA test result. I bet my REAL mommy is sweet and beautiful and kind and . . .

Uh-oh! Here come the passengers, Mommy Yonex! I need to get to work!

ENTER VENUS. SHE IS IN HANDCUFFS AND ACCOMPANIED BY A FRENCH GENDARME, ALAN DERSHOWITZ AND A GAGGLE OF REPORTERS.

VENUS:
I . . .

ALAN INTERRUPTS.

ďDonít say anything, Ms. Williams! Itís our position that Ms. Williams was acting in good faith and believed she had a contract to redecorate Versailles.Ē

FRENCH JOURNALIST:
She painted it PRUSSIAN blue!

VENUS:
Prussia, Russia, Bulgaria, I canít keep all those ďiasĒ straight!

LENA D:
Please have a seat. Mommy Yonex and I will be ready to serve you lunch soon.Ē

NADIA:
ďHey, watch it you big oaf! You nearly stepped on me!

LENA D. leans over and stares at the floor.
ďMy! Youíre even shorter than Mommy Yonex! What happened?Ē

NADIA:
I took one look at all those cheapass draws in the tournaments I won, and I shrank right back down to size! Wow! Did I get some lucky breaks or what?

LENA D:
Breaks? Everybody breaks me! But Mommy Yonex is going to fix that, arentí you Mommy Yonex?

ENTER AMELIE.

MOMO:
Merde. Another early exit from my open. Just when I had convinced myself I was Australian, some crazy bitch has to go and shove my passport in my racket bag! And I collapse again! Zere are the days I wish I was Belgian!

ENTER KIM:
No you donít. I canít believe that poltroon of a Walloon won another Slam. But Iím so sweet Iíll probably congratulate her anyway.


ENTER THE MASHAS:
We are very angry! We sign a no-bid Halliburton endorsement contract for a few billion, and find our royal selves subpoenaed by mere Senators. Is there no respect for our royalty? How are we supposed to focus on winning another jewel for our crown?

MASHA, JR:
These puny commoners have no sense of propriety, your August Q-Ratingness. I shall have them all slain at once.

ENTER NICOLE WEARING A TIARA AND CLUTCHING A CONTRACT.

MASHA:
There you are, knave! We have been searching for you! And what are you doing with our tiara?

NIKKI:
Iím a Grand Slam Semifinalist now, bitch. And I donít have to take any shit from somebody who hasnít done squat since í04!Ē

MASHA:
Seize this rebel at once! Throw her into the brig or whatever prison this craft has.

MASHA JR (NERVOUSLY SIZING UP NIKKI):
Uh, isnít that a job for the flight attendant, your Increased Salesshipness?

MASHA:
Yes. In fact, we believe we own said serf enough to allow her to serve us. Seize the infidel!

LENA D:
Pffffttt! The only boss of me is Mommy Yonex. Right Mommy Yonex?

ENTER PATTY. SHE IS BRIGHT ORANGE.
LENA D:
Would you like a drink? Some, oh, I dunno, orange juice?Ē

PATTY:
Mock not the true way. That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

ENTER MARTINA:

Damn that Lindsey! She told me youíd all . . .

VENUS:
All what?

MARTINA:
Oh, uh, heh, heh, nothing. Nothing.

AMELIE:
If Linds was involved, there had to be some crackpot scheme to win a Grand Slam. . .

PATTY:
And what better plan than . . .

MASHA:
Distracting us with fake contracts . . .

PATTY:
Or bogus medical reports . . .

NADIA:
Or reminders about feeble draws. . .

MARTINA:
Yes, yes, I admit it! I allied with Linds to try and win this tournament! I planted all the documents, the real ones, the fake ones, everything! And I would have won, too, except that bitch JHH didnít take her pain pill! Who would have thought she could have gone two whole weeks without injuring herself?

VENUS:
Not me.

MASHA:
Us either.

ENTER MOMMY VERA WITH SESIL.

MARTINA:
So I guess youíll tear up that bogus DNA report and take Elena back, Vera?

MV:
Vat? Has useless girl suddenly learned to serve? Fake DNA test is best thing to happen to me in years! No more following around with stupid questions, no more having to read ďGoodnight Moon,Ē no more whining about serving, life is good. So no, I will stick with lovely new daughter.

MARTINA:
Man, thatís cold.

SESIL:
Hey, I got a good gig here. Mess it up, and Iíll mess you up, capiche? (SESIL FLEXES, RIPPING THE SLEEVES OF HER PINAFORE).

MARTINA:
Uhh, okay.Ē

(MEANWHILE, A CARGO LOADER PULLS UP AT THE PLANE. IT CONTAINS AN ORNATE GLASS COFFIN. IN IT LIES MYSKINA. TWO BURLY LUGGAGE HANDLERS GRAB IT, AND WITH THEIR USUAL DELIBERATE CARE, HURL IT INTO THE CARGO HOLD. IT LANDS ON ITS SIDE WITH A HUGE THUD. A PIECE OF GARLIC JELLY DONUT IS JARRED FROM MYSKINAíS MOUTH. HER EYES SNAP OPEN, AND SHE SMILES, REVEALING HER FANGS)

MEANWHILE, LENA D. IS ABOUT TO CLOSE THE AIRPLANE DOOR WHEN ORACENE RUNS UP.

ORACENE:
Please, donít close the door!

LENA D:
What should we do Mommy Yonex? Should we let her on?

ORACENE:
Iím looking for my daughter. Is she on that plane?

A LOOK OF UTTER DELIGHT FILLS LENAíS FACE. SHE DROPS HER MOMMY YONEX RACKET AND RUSHES TO EMBRACE ORACENE.

LENA D:
You are looking for daughter! I am lost daughter!

MOMMY ORACENE!

ORACENE:
Oh, no, please . . .

azmad_88
Jun 12th, 2006, 03:15 PM
:D! thanks

iPatty
Jun 12th, 2006, 03:19 PM
Funny, as always, Max. :hearts:

Cat's Pajamas
Jun 12th, 2006, 03:28 PM
ALAN INTERRUPTS.

ďDonít say anything, Ms. Williams! Itís our position that Ms. Williams was acting in good faith and believed she had a contract to redecorate Versailles.Ē

FRENCH JOURNALIST:
She painted it PRUSSIAN blue!

:lol: :devil:

MASHA:
There you are, knave! We have been searching for you! And what are you doing with our tiara?

NIKKI:
Iím a Grand Slam Semifinalist now, bitch. And I donít have to take any shit from somebody who hasnít done squat since í04!Ē

MASHA:
Seize this rebel at once! Throw her into the brig or whatever prison this craft has.

MASHA JR (NERVOUSLY SIZING UP NIKKI):
Uh, isnít that a job for the flight attendant, your Increased Salesshipness?

MASHA:
Yes. In fact, we believe we own said serf enough to allow her to serve us. Seize the infidel!

:haha: vintage!

PATTY:
Mock not the true way. That which does not kill me makes me stronger

:unsure: :lol:

AMELIE:
If Linds was involved, there had to be some crackpot scheme to win a Grand Slam. . .

:haha: ;)

ORACENE:
Iím looking for my daughter. Is she on that plane?

A LOOK OF UTTER DELIGHT FILLS LENAíS FACE. SHE DROPS HER MOMMY YONEX RACKET AND RUSHES TO EMBRACE ORACENE.

LENA D:
You are looking for daughter! I am lost daughter!

MOMMY ORACENE!

ORACENE:
Oh, no, please . . .

:haha:



Great article :yeah: awesome conclusion :wavey: :lol:

Chunchun
Jun 12th, 2006, 04:50 PM
Lena and mummy Oracene :haha:

Nicjac
Jun 12th, 2006, 06:41 PM
:rolls: :rolls: Mommy Yonex and everything else :rolls: :rolls:


I :worship: the ground you walk on.