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bailey
May 24th, 2006, 06:56 AM
It's the Week before the Grand Slam.

So let's get this started... :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

bailey
May 24th, 2006, 07:01 AM
Maria is in the locker room when someone with a mask enters.

Maria is terrified, hides behind a broomstick and takes her cell phone.

Maria (to herself): thank god I know now how to use these things...

Maria dials 9-1-1 (ok, itís probably not 911 in France but who caresÖ?)

911-lady: Hello, how may I help you?

Maria: I need help! This is Maria Sharapova, the Russian Tennisplayer!

911-lady (annoyed): are you kidding me?

Maria: No, in the name of Yuri, I AM RUSSIAN, not American!

911-lady: whatís the emergency?

Maria: Iím in the locker room and I think Michael Jackson just entered and with his history with children and with me being only 19, you know, Iím scared!

Maria catches a glimpse of the ďintruderĒ and screams

911-lady (shudders): wow, that screamÖ You are Maria Sharapova!

Maria: Yes! (makes fist pump) Come on, help me!

911-lady: I have a better idea. Iím going to call the betting office and put all my money on your opponent!

Maria: No, thatís not good. Listen: I have so many sponsers, I offer you a 5% discount if you buy a new Nokia-Cellphone!

911-lady: I thought you are sponsered by Motorola?

Maria: (checks the name on her cellphone) Oh crap! Thatís why that Andy-Roddick-Game that I downloaded didnít work!

The intruder with the mask now stands in front of Maria and she realises that it is Martina Hingis.

Maria: What the hell are you doing? Whatís with the mask?

Martina: I need oxygen to live!

Maria giggles and hangs up on the 911 lady.



Nadia Petrova entering



Martina: Hi, šhmÖ. Nuria?

Nadia: Actually, itís Nadia.

Martina: Are you happy with your draw?

Nadia: The draw is not out yet!

Martina: I thought the draw for Qualies was out!?

Nadia: Iím not in the QualiesÖ?

Martina: Oh, you received a Wild Card then?

Nadia: ok stupid girl, I am Number 3 in the World!

Martina: OhÖ sorryÖ Iím confused. How comes that I never heard of you thenÖ?

Nadia: You know, I always get the easiest draws so I only play very low ranked players.

Martina: I guess that explains it!

WhatTheDeuce
May 24th, 2006, 07:05 AM
:haha:

ceiling_fan
May 24th, 2006, 07:13 AM
hahah good one!!

Mana
May 24th, 2006, 07:13 AM
Maria is in the locker room when someone with a mask enters.

Maria is terrified, hides behind a broomstick and takes her cell phone.

Maria (to herself): thank god I know now how to use these things...

Maria dials 9-1-1 (ok, itís probably not 911 in France but who caresÖ?)

911-lady: Hello, how may I help you?

Maria: I need help! This is Maria Sharapova, the Russian Tennisplayer!

911-lady (annoyed): are you kidding me?

Maria: No, in the name of Yuri, I AM RUSSIAN, not American!

911-lady: whatís the emergency?

Maria: Iím in the locker room and I think Michael Jackson just entered and with his history with children and with me being only 19, you know, Iím scared!

Maria catches a glimpse of the ďintruderĒ and screams

911-lady (shudders): wow, that screamÖ You are Maria Sharapova!

Maria: Yes! (makes fist pump) Come on, help me!

911-lady: I have a better idea. Iím going to call the betting office and put all my money on your opponent!

Maria: No, thatís not good. Listen: I have so many sponsers, I offer you a 5% discount if you buy a new Nokia-Cellphone!

911-lady: I thought you are sponsered by Motorola?

Maria: (checks the name on her cellphone) Oh crap! Thatís why that Andy-Roddick-Game that I downloaded didnít work!

The intruder with the mask now stands in front of Maria and she realises that it is Martina Hingis.

Maria: What the hell are you doing? Whatís with the mask?

Martina: I need oxygen to live!

Maria giggles and hangs up on the 911 lady.


Loved this! :worship:



Nadia Petrova entering



Martina: Hi, šhmÖ. Nuria?

Nadia: Actually, itís Nadia.

Martina: Are you happy with your draw?

Nadia: The draw is not out yet!

Martina: I thought the draw for Qualies was out!?

Nadia: Iím not in the QualiesÖ?

Martina: Oh, you received a Wild Card then?

Nadia: ok stupid girl, I am Number 3 in the World!

Martina: OhÖ sorryÖ Iím confused. How comes that I never heard of you thenÖ?

Nadia: You know, I always get the easiest draws so I only play very low ranked players.

Martina: I guess that explains it!











But hated this, just a cheap stab at Nadia :mad: . We will see who has the last laugh at RG :)

LH2HBH
May 24th, 2006, 07:19 AM
Loved this! :worship:



But hated this, just a cheap stab at Nadia :mad: . We will see who has the last laugh at RG :)


now, now this thread is all about cheap shots!!

hdfb
May 24th, 2006, 07:22 AM
The intruder with the mask now stands in front of Maria and she realises that it is Martina Hingis.

Maria: What the hell are you doing? Whatís with the mask?

Martina: I need oxygen to live!

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

pigam
May 24th, 2006, 07:33 AM
:lol: very good one!

space_gracie
May 24th, 2006, 07:41 AM
Nice onE! Keep them coming guys!!!

I really love these locker room confrontations!!!:D

LH2HBH
May 24th, 2006, 07:57 AM
Doesn'y anyone have one where JHH is in the toilet getting 'sick'? :tape:

Dementinator
May 24th, 2006, 08:49 AM
Loved this! :worship:



But hated this, just a cheap stab at Nadia :mad: . We will see who has the last laugh at RG :)


someone has NO sense of humour at all! :smash: :p

Andy.
May 24th, 2006, 09:03 AM
So Funny :lol:

Lemonskin.
May 24th, 2006, 09:10 AM
Clever ;)

Especially the Martina Mask part :p

Brett.
May 24th, 2006, 09:40 AM
Thats was awesome!!

Hayato
May 24th, 2006, 09:43 AM
lol that was funny :D

Sharapova's_Boy
May 24th, 2006, 10:06 AM
Maria catches a glimpse of the ďintruderĒ and screams

911-lady (shudders): wow, that screamÖ You are Maria Sharapova!

Maria: Yes! (makes fist pump) Come on, help me!

:haha:

jas_aussie
May 24th, 2006, 10:27 AM
haha funny as come up with some more please

Meteor Shower
May 24th, 2006, 10:37 AM
Maria is terrified, hides behind a broomstick

:haha: I can imagine that

good one :)

Mother_Marjorie
May 24th, 2006, 11:05 AM
An Emergency Conference Call from French Open Tournament Organizers to Larry Scott, Chairman and CEO of the WTA and WTA Marketing Consultants (translated in English):

FO Org 1: Mr. Scott, thank you for your quick response to speak with us on such short notice.

Larry: Oui, oui.

FO Org 2: Unfortunately, we have concerns about several of the women players leading up to this years competition that we feel should be addressed.

Larry: Okay, let me get my special pen.

FO Org 1: First, we have received reports that Ms. Venus Williams has contacted the Museum Curators, wanting to redesign its interior. Ms. Williams claims that the colors are wrong, which has offended our design staff.

Larry: Well, we gave into Venus' request to change the color of tennis courts during the Masters Series. She even got Billie Jean to go retro with the WTT court colors. We'll talk to her and explain it can't be changed.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Oracene and tell her Roland Garros is ixnay.

FO Org 2: We have received a request from Miss Kuznetsova's manager that she and Amelie Mauresmo will be sharing a private changing area, and requests private showering.

Larry: Did Stevenson's Mother call again?

FO Org 2: Non, non. We can't possibly accomodate the change Miss Kuznetsova requests because it would give the appearance of favoritism. We couldn't fill Miss Sharapova's request for a private restroom, and we feel it would set a bad precedent.

Larry: What does Amelie think?

FO Org 2: To our knowledge, Amelie doesn't know of the request.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Billie Jean for damage control. Maybe she or Navratilova could give Kuznetsova advice on remaining discrete. Isn't there someone else on the down low in the WTA that could advise Kuznetsova?

WTA Marketer to Larry: Yes, there is another Russian player in a similar predicament. I'll follow-up.

Larry: Nadia is a sweet girl. She'll do a great job, I'm sure.

FO Org 1: While we understand Miss Serena Williams will not be available for our Championships this year due to injury, but we are confused why she is wearing heels in public appearances while her knee is broken?

Larry: Unfortunately, Serena is under contract with the same shoe maker that Martina Hingis contracted with, at the time of her initial retirement. We don't know if their shoes are having a similar effect on Serena, but we are looking into the issue.

Larry to WTA Marketer: From now on, no more photo ops or video below Serena's waist.

WTA Marketer to Larry: But, Larry. That will almost be impossible. Serena appears weekly on red carpets.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Okay, then. Call IMG and get the same Moo-Moo walkers they make Sharapova wear and send them in primary colors to Oracene, with a dozen red roses and beg her to make Serena wear them.

WTA Marketer: Serena won't do it, Larry.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Ronald McDonald and have McDonald's reason with her. He's the only one she'll listen to these days.

FO Org 2: Also, we received a strange request from Miss Henin-Hardenne, that in the event of sudden gastro-intestinal illness, she wants an Ancient Roman Vomitory from the Temple of Apollo placed on the southwest corner of court centrale, close to the press box.

She also requests that all birds be vanquished from the tennis center in the event they might carry Bird-Flu and an emergency vaccine of Tamiflu be made available to her, in light of her recent viral illness.

Larry: You are kidding?

FO Org 2: No, Larry, we are not.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Kuznetsova's Doping Physician and see if he can't arrange something with a vaccine discretely. It could however make her ill during the second week. Arrange the draw so that she'll face Sharapova. If Justine is ill, we can justify the Vomitory because Sharapova will have to take her bathroom breaks.

WTA Marketer to Larry: But Justine's physicians are Belgian.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Carlos, he'll understand. And tell him Larry sent 'ya.

FO Org 1: That's all we have for now.

Larry: Keep us updated. Thanks.

Brett.
May 24th, 2006, 11:12 AM
MarJen - thats was pretty good!

Justineladivine
May 24th, 2006, 11:23 AM
An Emergency Conference Call from French Open Tournament Organizers to Larry Scott, Chairman and CEO of the WTA and WTA Marketing Consultants (translated in English):

FO Org 1: Mr. Scott, thank you for your quick response to speak with us on such short notice.

Larry: Oui, oui.

FO Org 2: Unfortunately, we have concerns about several of the women players leading up to this years competition that we feel should be addressed.

Larry: Okay, let me get my special pen.

FO Org 1: First, we have received reports that Ms. Venus Williams has contacted the Museum Curators, wanting to redesign its interior. Ms. Williams claims that the colors are wrong, which has offended our design staff.

Larry: Well, we gave into Venus' request to change the color of tennis courts during the Masters Series. She even got Billie Jean to go retro with the WTT court colors. We'll talk to her and explain it can't be changed.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Oracene and tell her Roland Garros is ixnay.

FO Org 2: We have received a request from Miss Kuznetsova's manager that she and Amelie Mauresmo will be sharing a private changing area, and requests private showering.

Larry: Did Stevenson's Mother call again?

FO Org 2: Non, non. We can't possibly accomodate the change Miss Kuznetsova requests because it would give the appearance of favoritism. We couldn't fill Miss Sharapova's request for a private restroom, and we feel it would set a bad precedent.

Larry: What does Amelie think?

FO Org 2: To our knowledge, Amelie doesn't know of the request.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Billie Jean for damage control. Maybe she or Navratilova could give Kuznetsova advice on remaining discrete. Isn't there someone else on the down low in the WTA that could advise Kuznetsova?

WTA Marketer to Larry: Yes, there is another Russian player in a similar predicament. I'll follow-up.

Larry: Nadia is a sweet girl. She'll do a great job, I'm sure.

FO Org 1: While we understand Miss Serena Williams will not be available for our Championships this year due to injury, but we are confused why she is wearing heels in public appearances while her knee is broken?

Larry: Unfortunately, Serena is under contract with the same shoe maker that Martina Hingis contracted with, at the time of her initial retirement. We don't know if their shoes are having a similar effect on Serena, but we are looking into the issue.

Larry to WTA Marketer: From now on, no more photo ops or video below Serena's waist.

WTA Marketer to Larry: But, Larry. That will almost be impossible. Serena appears weekly on red carpets.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Okay, then. Call IMG and get the same Moo-Moo walkers they make Sharapova wear and send them in primary colors to Oracene, with a dozen red roses and beg her to make Serena wear them.

WTA Marketer: Serena won't do it, Larry.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Ronald McDonald and have McDonald's reason with her. He's the only one she'll listen to these days.

FO Org 2: Also, we received a strange request from Miss Henin-Hardenne, that in the event of sudden gastro-intestinal illness, she wants an Ancient Roman Vomitory from the Temple of Apollo placed on the southwest corner of court centrale, close to the press box.

She also requests that all birds be vanquished from the tennis center in the event they might carry Bird-Flu and an emergency vaccine of Tamiflu be made available to her, in light of her recent viral illness.

Larry: You are kidding?

FO Org 2: No, Larry, we are not.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Kuznetsova's Doping Physician and see if he can't arrange something with a vaccine discretely. It could however make her ill during the second week. Arrange the draw so that she'll face Sharapova. If Justine is ill, we can justify the Vomitory because Sharapova will have to take her bathroom breaks.

WTA Marketer to Larry: But Justine's physicians are Belgian.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Carlos, he'll understand. And tell him Larry sent 'ya.

FO Org 1: That's all we have for now.

Larry: Keep us updated. Thanks.


Dead! The high-heel shoes, the Roman vomitory, everything.
Thanks for making my day

Barbarela
May 24th, 2006, 11:54 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

TomTennis
May 24th, 2006, 12:00 PM
An Emergency Conference Call from French Open Tournament Organizers to Larry Scott, Chairman and CEO of the WTA and WTA Marketing Consultants (translated in English):

FO Org 1: Mr. Scott, thank you for your quick response to speak with us on such short notice.

Larry: Oui, oui.

FO Org 2: Unfortunately, we have concerns about several of the women players leading up to this years competition that we feel should be addressed.

Larry: Okay, let me get my special pen.

FO Org 1: First, we have received reports that Ms. Venus Williams has contacted the Museum Curators, wanting to redesign its interior. Ms. Williams claims that the colors are wrong, which has offended our design staff.

Larry: Well, we gave into Venus' request to change the color of tennis courts during the Masters Series. She even got Billie Jean to go retro with the WTT court colors. We'll talk to her and explain it can't be changed.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Oracene and tell her Roland Garros is ixnay.

FO Org 2: We have received a request from Miss Kuznetsova's manager that she and Amelie Mauresmo will be sharing a private changing area, and requests private showering.

Larry: Did Stevenson's Mother call again?

FO Org 2: Non, non. We can't possibly accomodate the change Miss Kuznetsova requests because it would give the appearance of favoritism. We couldn't fill Miss Sharapova's request for a private restroom, and we feel it would set a bad precedent.

Larry: What does Amelie think?

FO Org 2: To our knowledge, Amelie doesn't know of the request.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Billie Jean for damage control. Maybe she or Navratilova could give Kuznetsova advice on remaining discrete. Isn't there someone else on the down low in the WTA that could advise Kuznetsova?

WTA Marketer to Larry: Yes, there is another Russian player in a similar predicament. I'll follow-up.

Larry: Nadia is a sweet girl. She'll do a great job, I'm sure.

FO Org 1: While we understand Miss Serena Williams will not be available for our Championships this year due to injury, but we are confused why she is wearing heels in public appearances while her knee is broken?

Larry: Unfortunately, Serena is under contract with the same shoe maker that Martina Hingis contracted with, at the time of her initial retirement. We don't know if their shoes are having a similar effect on Serena, but we are looking into the issue.

Larry to WTA Marketer: From now on, no more photo ops or video below Serena's waist.

WTA Marketer to Larry: But, Larry. That will almost be impossible. Serena appears weekly on red carpets.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Okay, then. Call IMG and get the same Moo-Moo walkers they make Sharapova wear and send them in primary colors to Oracene, with a dozen red roses and beg her to make Serena wear them.

WTA Marketer: Serena won't do it, Larry.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Ronald McDonald and have McDonald's reason with her. He's the only one she'll listen to these days.

FO Org 2: Also, we received a strange request from Miss Henin-Hardenne, that in the event of sudden gastro-intestinal illness, she wants an Ancient Roman Vomitory from the Temple of Apollo placed on the southwest corner of court centrale, close to the press box.

She also requests that all birds be vanquished from the tennis center in the event they might carry Bird-Flu and an emergency vaccine of Tamiflu be made available to her, in light of her recent viral illness.

Larry: You are kidding?

FO Org 2: No, Larry, we are not.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Kuznetsova's Doping Physician and see if he can't arrange something with a vaccine discretely. It could however make her ill during the second week. Arrange the draw so that she'll face Sharapova. If Justine is ill, we can justify the Vomitory because Sharapova will have to take her bathroom breaks.

WTA Marketer to Larry: But Justine's physicians are Belgian.

Larry to WTA Marketer: Call Carlos, he'll understand. And tell him Larry sent 'ya.

FO Org 1: That's all we have for now.

Larry: Keep us updated. Thanks.


my favourite so far!!! Written fantastically and was funny too! :worship: :lol: :wavey:

j@zmin
May 24th, 2006, 12:05 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

MarJen, you are really good on this.
Your post is really funny and clever.

Bailey, the same, your post are really funny too.

kris_85
May 24th, 2006, 12:41 PM
Martina: Hi, šhmÖ. Nuria?

Nadia: Actually, itís Nadia.

Martina: Are you happy with your draw?

Nadia: The draw is not out yet!

Martina: I thought the draw for Qualies was out!?

Nadia: Iím not in the QualiesÖ?

Martina: Oh, you received a Wild Card then?

Nadia: ok stupid girl, I am Number 3 in the World!

Martina: OhÖ sorryÖ Iím confused. How comes that I never heard of you thenÖ?

Nadia: You know, I always get the easiest draws so I only play very low ranked players.

Martina: I guess that explains it!


:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
too good

Corswandt
May 24th, 2006, 01:44 PM
Maria is terrified, hides behind a broomstick and takes her cell phone.

[...]

Maria catches a glimpse of the ďintruderĒ and screams

911-lady (shudders): wow, that screamÖ You are Maria Sharapova!

Maria: Yes! (makes fist pump) Come on, help me!

911-lady: I have a better idea. Iím going to call the betting office and put all my money on your opponent!

Maria: No, thatís not good. Listen: I have so many sponsers, I offer you a 5% discount if you buy a new Nokia-Cellphone!

911-lady: I thought you are sponsered by Motorola?

Maria: (checks the name on her cellphone) Oh crap! Thatís why that Andy-Roddick-Game that I downloaded didnít work!

:lol:

pierce0415
May 24th, 2006, 02:18 PM
The week before Roland Garros and all was dark and quiet in the women's locker room. Suddenly two shadows emerge from the depths, one from the left side and the other from the right.

Figure 1 (female): Roland Garros tournament director, are you there?

Figure 2 (male): yes I am here.

Figure 1: I cannot see you but letz do this anyway. So the woman'z singlez draw comes out thiz Friday?

Tournament Director: Yes.

Figure 1: I vuld like you to give me cakewalk draw again so I can vin the title.

Tournament Director: I think I can arrange that, for a price. Who would you like on your half of the draw.

Figure 1: Well I vuld like French WC and qualifiers in the first and second rounds, Arvidsson 3rd round, Hantuchova 4th round, Petrova as my quarter and Mauresmo as my semi-final. We all know Amelie will not make it that far.

Tournament Director: Wait. You are asking for alot. I don't think any amount of money you can pay me will make that happen.

Figure 1: Well what about I agree to get freaky with you right here right now.

Tournament Director: Deal. Please remove your shirt.

Figure 1: http://yelims.free.fr/Sexe/Sexe34.gif

Tournament Director: (feels around). I do not feel anything at all. Are you sure you have removed your shirt? Why don't we just get freaky.

Figure 1: Oui.

http://yelims.free.fr/Sexe/Sexe31.gif





Tournament Director: Yes Yes Yes






All of a sudden Figure 1 stops and walks away.

Tournament Director: JUJU, why did you stop. If you had kept going for 1 more minute I would have ...

Justine Henin: That is what I did to Amelie at the Australian Open. Build her up to a big moment and zhen quit so the climax cannot be experienced. Let me tell you, what you got was more than what Pierre ever got.

TomTennis
May 24th, 2006, 02:47 PM
....tumbleweed........

that last one stunk! :lol:

No.1Hingis
May 24th, 2006, 02:57 PM
First quotes are funny.. Not only Nadia is got a little bad comment.. actually.. three got it.. so come on.. calm down..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maria: Yes! (makes fist pump) Come on, help me!

911-lady: I have a better idea. Iím going to call the betting office and put all my money on your opponent! (NOT SO GOOD CLAY PLAYER)

Maria: What the hell are you doing? Whatís with the mask?

Martina: I need oxygen to live! ("OLD")

Nadia: You know, I always get the easiest draws so I only play very low ranked players. (LUCKY GIRL)

Martina: I guess that explains it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on.. is a joke...

*Maria is not the best of top 4.. but.. like someone said before.. she gonna give battle to everyone...
*Martina, maybe is not 20 years.. but 25.. I guess Im so old too then.. guess is a weapon to make the rival get confidence and let easy way open to Martina
*Nadia, one thing is lucky and another to convert it in a tittle cause you play so well, and if you get lucky (we all will do it too) you have to take it..

Andy T
May 24th, 2006, 03:09 PM
Nathalie Tauziat comes stomping into the locker room
"MaREEE? MaREEEE? T'es oý?
Putain where is zis gurl? Is time for ze entrainement, putain."

Silence

Nathalie (to herself):
"Merde, I forgot she don't understand ze French.
Aloud "MarEEE? Are you zere? We av to practise?"

Sees Mary Pierce crying in a corner.

"Ah Putain, crying again! Wat is ze matteur - av you lost anozer eyelash? Putain, elle fait shier cette fille."

Mary:
No, no Nathalie, it's worse than that. Much worse. I don't think I can do it. I may have to miss this year. snivels

Nathalie:
Wat? Merde! Wat do you mean. You are still urt? It can't be true! Ze 'ole ov France is counting on you - zey know zat lilly-livered lesbienne 'as no chance to win -you are ze only 'ope for la gloire de la France (mutters under her breath) even zough we know you are no more French zan Barbara Boosh. (aloud) You must play! You must stop zat 'ingis from winning 'ere and you must 'ave revenge and prevent anozer 'umiliation by la garce Belge, putain. Allez MaREE! Merde!

Mary: No, no, Nathalie, you don't understand. I can play - the injury was only chipped toenail varnish - but I just can't... per... (sobs).... I can't perform any more. I've been away too long, it's all gone!

Nathalie. Ach, don't be so stupeed, of course you can. You will be fine, d'accord? You always rise to ze occasion..... except, per'aps at wimbledon, c'est vrai....but zat was my, ow you say, back yard, anyway.

Mary, No! (Sobs louder) Listen, I said I can't perform: I've lost my aim on the fingertip blowing, I've lost my touch and can't put my ponytail straight to save my life, the timing has gone on my strut and I can't do my fake smile before I serve at all. It's all gone.

Nathalie, Putain, zis is serious. You ave to try. You 'ave all zese dresses to advertise, I mean, wear!

Mary, I can't Nathalie, without my mannerisms, I am nothing.
Nathalie. Ecoute, you can still do ze toilet breaks of 17 minutes, n'est-ce pas?
Mary: ...Yes, of course.
Nathalie... and you can still swing your 'ead to make ze ponytail fly, non?
Mary: yes, I've done that instinctively since birth.
Nathalie, well, zen. You see, it is not so bad. Ze rest will follow. Let us practice ze fingertips today and maybe ze stupeed smile. Just 'alf an hower. OK?
Mary (heartened) Ok. picking up her racquets
Nathalie. Zat's ze spirit. Merde! allez, putain!

miffedmax
May 24th, 2006, 03:32 PM
Damn, these are good. The bar is just impossibly high, so I'll lower it.

CONFRENCHTATION

(ENTER MOMMY VERA WITH SESIL, WHO IS DRESSED IN A STARCHED PINAFORE. SHE CARRIES LENA DíS BATTERED COPY OF ďGOODNIGHT MOON BY V. NABAKOV UNDER ONE ARM AND A GIANT LOLLIPOP IN THE OTHER.)

MV:
ďSoon, sweet adopted daughter, (see ďLast Flight From Melbourne for details) you will be back on tour with guiding hand of Russian Tennis Mother of the Year.Ē

SESIL:
ďAnd my return will be THUNDEROUS!Ē

ENTER LENA D. HER PINAFORE, THOUGH IDENTICAL IN CUT AND COLORING TO SESILíS, IS TORN AND DIRTY. HER HAIR IS TANGLED AND RATTY, AND DIRT SMUDGES HER CHEEKS. SHE CLUTCHES HER TOKYO DISH, WHICH IS NOW CHIPPED AND SCRATCHED RATHER BADLY.

LENA D:
ďLook Mommy Vera! I finally won a Tier I! Mommy Vera? Mommy Vera? I beat Hingis!Ē

MV:
Oh Lord. Is she still following us?

SESIL LOOKS BACK AND STICKS OUT TONGUE AT LENA D.
SESIL:
Yes, Mommy Vera. Should I go kick her ass?

MV:
No. Just ignore her and maybe sheíll go away.

SESIL:
Youíve been saying that since Melbourne . . .

MV:
Donít give me any lip! You want to end up like whatís her face over there?

SESIL:
No, Mommy Vera.

LENA DíS LIP QUIVERS AND SHE IS OBVIOUSLY CHOKING BACK TEARS.

VENUS ENTERS.

VENUS: (SINGS A LA BARNEY)
ďI hate ĎRee
She hates me
Weíre a tennis family . . .Ē

Ha! This year, only one Williams sisterís going to win a Slam, and itís me!

(NOTICES LENA D.)
Why so down, blondie?

LENA D.
Mommy Vera likes Sesil better than me.

VENUS:
Yeah, my mom always like Rena better. Always gave Rena the bigger slice of cake, a little extra coke in the glass . . . and look at her now!

LENA D:
Yes, but at least Serena is your real sister. Sesilís not even Russian.

ENTER SERENA.

VENUS:
Hey, I thought you were skipping the French?

SERENA:
Am I? I canít keep track which tournaments Iím playing and which ones Iím skipping. But I NEVER miss a training table! Are those napoleons over there?

(SERENA RUSHES OVER TO A TABLE FULL OF PASTRIES)

Hey! Who sucked all the filling out of these napoleons? Thereís nothing left but the cake . . . and somebody sucked all the jelly out of the jelly donuts . . .

VENUS:
That can only mean . . .

A BAT DROPS DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS AND TRANSFORMS ITSELF INTO MYSKINA

NASTY:
Quake in terror, mortals! For I, Countess Nastya, have returned!

VENUS:
Quake at what? You havenít done a thing since 2004.

LENA D:
Itís not like your returns are the problem. Maybe you should become a flight attendant like me to work on your serve . . .

NASTYA:
I donít think so.

LENA:
Hey, whereís Jens?

NASTYA:
He was sweet, but I had to get rid of him.

VENUS:
You fired him?

NASTYA:
No, I dra . . . yes. Yes. I fired him. Thatís right.

ENTER AMELIE, WEARING AN AUSSIE BUSH HAT AND DRINKING FROM A CAN OF FOSTERS.

AMELIE:
Bonjour, mates! Throw le escargot on ze Barbie!

VENUS:
Oh, Lord, Iím afraid to ask.

AMELIE:
Sacre bleu! Zere is no pressure on a nice Aussie Sheila like moi to win at Roland Garros! Non, non, no pressure at all!

ENTER PATTY.
PATTY;
No more eating livers for me! Iím back on my all orange juice diet. I tell you, a liquid diet has made a new woman out of me.

NASTYA:
Works for me.

SUDDENLY, MONSTROUS, THUDDING FOOTSTEPS ECHO THROUGH THE LOCKERROOM. ENTER NADIA, WHO IS NOW 15 FEET TALL AND BRIGHT GREEN.

NADIA:
Ho ho ho! Have some creamed corn! (throws a can to Venus. Serena intercepts it and tears off the top with her bare hands before consuming the contents).

Look who the new heavyweight is.

NASTYA:
Quit acting like Sharapova.

LENA D:
How is she acting like Sharapova?

NASTYA:
Sheís too fucking tall! And youíre acting like Sharopova too! Youíre too fucking blonde!

NADIA:
Ho! Ho! Ho! Looks like Iím the biggest thing on the tour.

MV:
Oh look. Another Russian who can win tournaments. (Upon hearing this. Lena D. burst into tears and runs from the lockerroom.)
Soon, adopted daughter, you will be even bigger than her!

VENUS:
Damn, didnít you used to be invisible?

ENTER QUEEN MASHA WITH NICOLE AND MASHA JR. AT ATTENDENTS.

MARIA:
We are angry. We issue edict after edict, yet the courts remain as bare as Bud Collinsí head. Why havenít they planted grass on those dirt courts as we commanded?

MAKIRI:
An oversight, Iím sure, your Supreme Popularity. No one would dare disobey one of your orders, you Sublime Marketing Toolship.

ENTER SVETA AND JHH.

JHH:
Oh, I feel sick . . .

SVETA:
Do you need some cough syrup?

JHH:
Non, I am sick in the tummy, not the head . . .

VENUS:
Now thatís open to argument . . .

CUT TO A SECRET CAVERN MILES BELOW THE EARTHíS SURFACE. BANKS OF COMPUTERS LINE THE WALLS, AND MONITORS HAVE SATELLITE FEEDS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD. LINDS SITS IN A BARCOLOUNGER, DRINKING A PROTEIN SHAKE AND STROKING A PERSIAN CAT WITH A DIAMOND COLLAR. A VOICE SPEAKS TO HER FROM OFF-SCREEN.

VOICE:
I wish to propose that we renew our alliance.

LINDS:
Of course you do. But whatís in it for me?

VOICE:
Iíll help you at Wimbledon.

CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL IT IS HINGIS!

MARTINA:
This is the only Grand Slam I havenít won, and I want it more than that screwy Russian bitch wants her mommy back. In exchange for one of your cunning plans to help me win the French, Iíll help you win Wimbledon. And order and peace will be restored to the WTA.

LINDS:
Yes. Yes. Iíll do it! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

hingis-seles
May 24th, 2006, 03:44 PM
:haha:

miffed, I'm loving the Lindsay-Martina alliance. :lol: :worship:

Great stuff all of you! :bowdown:

barmaid
May 24th, 2006, 03:45 PM
Andy T's was "priceless"....I wet my pants:rolleyes: Just hilarious:lol: :bounce: :lol: !!



barmaid:wavey:

Corswandt
May 24th, 2006, 03:48 PM
ENTER QUEEN MASHA WITH NICOLE AND MASHA JR. AT ATTENDENTS.

MARIA:
We are angry. We issue edict after edict, yet the courts remain as bare as Bud Collinsí head. Why havenít they planted grass on those dirt courts as we commanded?

MAKIRI:
An oversight, Iím sure, your Supreme Popularity. No one would dare disobey one of your orders, you Sublime Marketing Toolship.

:haha:

Thauron
May 24th, 2006, 05:02 PM
All very nice, but laughed the most with Andy T's - simply awesome.

UDACHi
May 25th, 2006, 01:54 AM
NASTYA:
Quit acting like Sharapova.

LENA D:
How is she acting like Sharapova?

NASTYA:
Sheís too fucking tall! And youíre acting like Sharopova too! Youíre too fucking blonde!

NADIA:
Ho! Ho! Ho! Looks like Iím the biggest thing on the tour.

:haha:

Maria catches a glimpse of the ďintruderĒ and screams

911-lady (shudders): wow, that screamÖ You are Maria Sharapova!

Maria: Yes! (makes fist pump) Come on, help me!

:haha: :haha:

Best quotes of all. :yeah:

Harju.
May 25th, 2006, 04:07 AM
Damn, these are good. The bar is just impossibly high, so I'll lower it.

CONFRENCHTATION

(ENTER MOMMY VERA WITH SESIL, WHO IS DRESSED IN A STARCHED PINAFORE. SHE CARRIES LENA DíS BATTERED COPY OF ďGOODNIGHT MOON BY V. NABAKOV UNDER ONE ARM AND A GIANT LOLLIPOP IN THE OTHER.)

MV:
ďSoon, sweet adopted daughter, (see ďLast Flight From Melbourne for details) you will be back on tour with guiding hand of Russian Tennis Mother of the Year.Ē

SESIL:
ďAnd my return will be THUNDEROUS!Ē

ENTER LENA D. HER PINAFORE, THOUGH IDENTICAL IN CUT AND COLORING TO SESILíS, IS TORN AND DIRTY. HER HAIR IS TANGLED AND RATTY, AND DIRT SMUDGES HER CHEEKS. SHE CLUTCHES HER TOKYO DISH, WHICH IS NOW CHIPPED AND SCRATCHED RATHER BADLY.

LENA D:
ďLook Mommy Vera! I finally won a Tier I! Mommy Vera? Mommy Vera? I beat Hingis!Ē

MV:
Oh Lord. Is she still following us?

SESIL LOOKS BACK AND STICKS OUT TONGUE AT LENA D.
SESIL:
Yes, Mommy Vera. Should I go kick her ass?

MV:
No. Just ignore her and maybe sheíll go away.

SESIL:
Youíve been saying that since Melbourne . . .

MV:
Donít give me any lip! You want to end up like whatís her face over there?

SESIL:
No, Mommy Vera.

LENA DíS LIP QUIVERS AND SHE IS OBVIOUSLY CHOKING BACK TEARS.

VENUS ENTERS.

VENUS: (SINGS A LA BARNEY)
ďI hate ĎRee
She hates me
Weíre a tennis family . . .Ē

Ha! This year, only one Williams sisterís going to win a Slam, and itís me!

(NOTICES LENA D.)
Why so down, blondie?

LENA D.
Mommy Vera likes Sesil better than me.

VENUS:
Yeah, my mom always like Rena better. Always gave Rena the bigger slice of cake, a little extra coke in the glass . . . and look at her now!

LENA D:
Yes, but at least Serena is your real sister. Sesilís not even Russian.

ENTER SERENA.

VENUS:
Hey, I thought you were skipping the French?

SERENA:
Am I? I canít keep track which tournaments Iím playing and which ones Iím skipping. But I NEVER miss a training table! Are those napoleons over there?

(SERENA RUSHES OVER TO A TABLE FULL OF PASTRIES)

Hey! Who sucked all the filling out of these napoleons? Thereís nothing left but the cake . . . and somebody sucked all the jelly out of the jelly donuts . . .

VENUS:
That can only mean . . .

A BAT DROPS DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS AND TRANSFORMS ITSELF INTO MYSKINA

NASTY:
Quake in terror, mortals! For I, Countess Nastya, have returned!

VENUS:
Quake at what? You havenít done a thing since 2004.

LENA D:
Itís not like your returns are the problem. Maybe you should become a flight attendant like me to work on your serve . . .

NASTYA:
I donít think so.

LENA:
Hey, whereís Jens?

NASTYA:
He was sweet, but I had to get rid of him.

VENUS:
You fired him?

NASTYA:
No, I dra . . . yes. Yes. I fired him. Thatís right.

ENTER AMELIE, WEARING AN AUSSIE BUSH HAT AND DRINKING FROM A CAN OF FOSTERS.

AMELIE:
Bonjour, mates! Throw le escargot on ze Barbie!

VENUS:
Oh, Lord, Iím afraid to ask.

AMELIE:
Sacre bleu! Zere is no pressure on a nice Aussie Sheila like moi to win at Roland Garros! Non, non, no pressure at all!

ENTER PATTY.
PATTY;
No more eating livers for me! Iím back on my all orange juice diet. I tell you, a liquid diet has made a new woman out of me.

NASTYA:
Works for me.

SUDDENLY, MONSTROUS, THUDDING FOOTSTEPS ECHO THROUGH THE LOCKERROOM. ENTER NADIA, WHO IS NOW 15 FEET TALL AND BRIGHT GREEN.

NADIA:
Ho ho ho! Have some creamed corn! (throws a can to Venus. Serena intercepts it and tears off the top with her bare hands before consuming the contents).

Look who the new heavyweight is.

NASTYA:
Quit acting like Sharapova.

LENA D:
How is she acting like Sharapova?

NASTYA:
Sheís too fucking tall! And youíre acting like Sharopova too! Youíre too fucking blonde!

NADIA:
Ho! Ho! Ho! Looks like Iím the biggest thing on the tour.

MV:
Oh look. Another Russian who can win tournaments. (Upon hearing this. Lena D. burst into tears and runs from the lockerroom.)
Soon, adopted daughter, you will be even bigger than her!

VENUS:
Damn, didnít you used to be invisible?

ENTER QUEEN MASHA WITH NICOLE AND MASHA JR. AT ATTENDENTS.

MARIA:
We are angry. We issue edict after edict, yet the courts remain as bare as Bud Collinsí head. Why havenít they planted grass on those dirt courts as we commanded?

MAKIRI:
An oversight, Iím sure, your Supreme Popularity. No one would dare disobey one of your orders, you Sublime Marketing Toolship.

ENTER SVETA AND JHH.

JHH:
Oh, I feel sick . . .

SVETA:
Do you need some cough syrup?

JHH:
Non, I am sick in the tummy, not the head . . .

VENUS:
Now thatís open to argument . . .

CUT TO A SECRET CAVERN MILES BELOW THE EARTHíS SURFACE. BANKS OF COMPUTERS LINE THE WALLS, AND MONITORS HAVE SATELLITE FEEDS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD. LINDS SITS IN A BARCOLOUNGER, DRINKING A PROTEIN SHAKE AND STROKING A PERSIAN CAT WITH A DIAMOND COLLAR. A VOICE SPEAKS TO HER FROM OFF-SCREEN.

VOICE:
I wish to propose that we renew our alliance.

LINDS:
Of course you do. But whatís in it for me?

VOICE:
Iíll help you at Wimbledon.

CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL IT IS HINGIS!

MARTINA:
This is the only Grand Slam I havenít won, and I want it more than that screwy Russian bitch wants her mommy back. In exchange for one of your cunning plans to help me win the French, Iíll help you win Wimbledon. And order and peace will be restored to the WTA.

LINDS:
Yes. Yes. Iíll do it! Bwa ha ha ha ha!
:haha: LMAO. :worship:

Cat's Pajamas
May 25th, 2006, 08:07 PM
(Anna K enters locker room)

AnnaK: Ladies and Justine! Please bow down in the presence of the queen herself, Martina Hingis
(Enters Martina as the juniors swarm around her just to touch her hair and her racket)
Juniors: Master, master! (as they sprinkle roses around her feet and wave palm branches around her)
AnnaK: Bow down!
Patty: (Murmering to Petrova) What's so great about her? I'm a swiss bitch too! I will destroy her when we play :armed:
Nadia: Were you talking :confused:
Patty: Yes and I was sayin-
Martina: Hello Betty!
Patty: It's Patty :ras:
Martina: Oh yes, :lol: forgive me I've been absent lately, from the tour, when I was around you must've still been a junior!
Patty: Excuse me but in 1999 I won five titles!!! :fiery:
Martina: Oh aren't challengers the best!!! :D
Patty: Oh hel-
(Kournikova grabs Patty by the weave and keeps a hold on her until Patty settles down
Martina: Now where we, oh yes, Nadia I can't wait to play you! I heard your supposed to be playing well on the clay!
Nadia: Well I did win Amelia Island, Charleston, and Berlin
Martina: Oh Charleston, you say! Anna, didn't I beat you in a final in Charleston
Anna: (murmers to herself) it was Hilton Head bitch
(Enters Venus)
Martina: Venus :fiery:
Venus: Oh my gosh, I just defintetely had the best swiss chocolate bagel ever!
Martina: Oh yes those can be quite good, especially when you have to throw them back up :drool:
Venus: Oh don't worry Martina, next time we play I'll be cooking up a storm!
Martina: Make my order a breadstick :tape:
Martina: So Venus who are you predicting to win it all?
Venus: Oh Martin :rolleyes:
Martina: I'm serious, I mean I just won Rome and I have the perfect story-line, everyone wants me to win!
Venus: :rolleyes:
Martina: :mad:
Venus: :rolleyes:
Martina: :fiery:
(Anna and Patty clinching onto each other for dear life, during this conflict and then realize who they're holding and quickly seperate)
(Patty gets out a shot glass and takes a screwdriver!)
Martina:Hmph! well! 11-10 and that's all that matters! Come on Anna let's go!
(Martina and Anna exit)
...........................................*silenc e*........................................
Venus,Nadia,Patty: :lol:

ViennaCalling
May 25th, 2006, 08:15 PM
:lol: :D :lol: :worship:

FaceyFacem
May 25th, 2006, 08:33 PM
Mary, No! (Sobs louder) Listen, I said I can't perform: I've lost my aim on the fingertip blowing, I've lost my touch and can't put my ponytail straight to save my life, the timing has gone on my strut and I can't do my fake smile before I serve at all. It's all gone.


this is AWESOME!!! :lol:

-sugi-
May 25th, 2006, 09:11 PM
:haha:

morningglory
May 25th, 2006, 09:23 PM
(Ok I know this isn't exactly a "lockerroom" confrontation but here goes)
*At the lobby of the players' hotel*
-Enter Amelie she goes over to the counter

Clerk: Ah! Mademoiselle Mauresmo. We've been expecting you. Here is ze key to your suite.
Amelie: Ah Merci... come Svetlana... let's check out our room...
Svetlana: And maybe we can get some doubles practice too...
Amelie: A sec-- Madam? How big is ze bed?
Clerk: Pardonne Mademoiselle... but I am not sure... although there are two beds in ze suite, one for you and for your... er.. partner.
Amelie: I don't need two beds. I need one big one, big enough to... play doubles on...
Svetlana: Never mind.. we can put the beds together...
Amelie: One last thing Madam... when mademoiselle Navratilova gets here... please tell her we're expecting her.
Clerk: Oui.

(the two scramble up eagerly to their room. moments later, the Marias enter... followed by Roddick and Andreev, both hobbling on one foot, but are also carrying the girls' numerous bags)
Masha: Oh do hurry up guys... you take forever to get around.
ARod: what did you girls bring along anyway? Bricks?
Masha: no, just all the stuff we're endorsing... and you're lucky I changed my mind about that Land Rover...
Makiri: Just like men... always complaining when a girl asks them to do something...
Andreev: Baby, why did you bring along the computer anyway (and an ancient cumbersome heavy desktop computer from ten years ago)? You know you and I don't even know how to hold a mouse!
Makiri: Dmitry said he'd give me lessons. Why don't you be more like him? He's funny, gorgeous, good with girls, and... he knows how to hack. Bryanne told me he rocked her world the other night.
Masha: yeah... he's kinda cute... oh there he is now!
Makiri: Hiiii Dmitry (flutters eyelashes, both girls giggle)
Tursunov: Oh.... Hi Maria... and Maria... and Igor and Andy, hey I thought you guys were injured?
Andreev: We are.
ARod: (whisper) The girls just brought us along to carry their bags...
Tursunov: Then why'd you guys do it?
Masha (to the clerk): ... and some lavender scented beds on the bedsheet tonight please Ma'am... and some scented candles... by 8 PM in my room please... and a bottle of champagne...
Makiri: Same for me... but make mine Magnolia please... and you know... (winks) a handful of those rubber thingies for both our rooms?
Masha: And make our wake-up calls at 11 instead of at 8...
Andreev: (to Dmitri) and THAT's why....
Tursunov: hehe... anyway I'm gonna go play pool with Vesnina... the winner gets to choose the room for tonight... and I wanna make sure it's my room... well for the movie watching you know, not something else (winks and leaves)
Makiri (calls after him): And don't forget you promised you'd give me computer lessons some time... (the girls giggle...)
Andreev: You know, I really think you're sweet on him!
Makiri: Well YOU and Andy were real sweet on the air hostess at the airport.
Andreev: You think we wanted to? Please,she looked just like Justine's twin sister... Well WE were just desperate to get her to let YOUR overweight bags get on the plane.
Masha: Wait... don't they allow up to 50 pounds? I'm sure I weighed them before.
Andy: um.. Maria the 50 pounds are for the bags AND the stuff inside them... not just the bags... geez...
Masha: well how should I know? and besides... ooh here comes Marat... with his Safinettes...
Girls, including all the others in the general vicinity: hiiiii.... *drool, slobber and swoon*
Makiri: hey, gorgeous! Where are you going?
Marat: To the swimming pool. Wanna come with me and Dinara?
Marias: (without hesitation) Bye guys! Carry our bags up for us! And don't bother with the bellhop... we hate to waste 5 francs on a tip.

(they leave... the guys limp away with the bags as they come to the elevator... the door opens revealing Serena and Venus)
Justine (who had been lurking in the background for quite some time): And HERE's for ze air hostess comment... (laughs evilly)
She drops a piece of candy on the floor, right behind the guys.
Serena: CANDY! CHARGE!
Venus: No, Ree...! Guys watch out!
*CRASH* Serena falls on top of them... followed by the flurry of the luggage like hailstones...
Andreev: My knee!
ARod: My foot!
Serena: My CANDY!
Serena sits on top of BOTH of them, apparently untouched, happily eating the candy
Venus: Ree are you alright?
Serena: See? I told ya having lots of body fat helps prevent injury... the luggages just bounced off of me.
The guys: Owwwwww....
(Venus shakes her head in disgust and begins to walk away. Serena takes a looong time to get up and ends up falling down on her butt again twice before following her sis... Justine remains)

Justine: Zey are late... (looks at watch) Pierre, go get me a soda!
Pierre: oui Madam...

(who is Justine waiting for? to be continued...)

Cat's Pajamas
May 25th, 2006, 09:28 PM
lovin the sexual tension going on :drool: :devil:

Joan Rivers
May 25th, 2006, 09:48 PM
Roland Garros, Day 1.

Svetlana Kuznetsova comes into the locker room looking drained, traumatised and emotional

Nadia : "Sveta?! What's happened to you?"

Sveta : "That is the last time I travel to Paris via Belgium. The Belgian FBI has me on an illegal substance abusers list. When the authorities found out I was travelling over Belgian airspace the plane was landed in Brussels and I was searched for drugs! I was searched, frisked, degraded and internally probed by two female drug officers"

*Rennae Stubbs gets up and walks out with a crazed look in her eyes*

Nadia : "Rennae, where are you going?"

Rennae : "Brussels Airport!"

Sveta : "Well, it's over now thank God. Do you want to go practice Nadia?"

Nadia : "I can't Sveta sorry, I'm going back to the hotel. See you later"

Nicole Pratt "Sveta!! I'll practice with you Sveta!! I'm playing like a top 50 right now, so it'll be a great practice"

Sveta : "Oh, er, Nicole, hi, are you in the main draw?"

Nicole : "Nah, the bastards at Tennis Australia gave their last wild card to Nancy Loeffler Caro whose step brother's cousin's girlfriend's boss has an Australian great-grandfather. At least it's not Dokic, I suppose"

Sveta : "Yes, well OK, let's go"

As they leave Patty Schnyder and Rainer Hoffmann walk in. Patty is wearing shades.

Martina Hingis : "Hey, Patty, are you OK?"

*silence*

Martina : "Patty! Hey! You OK?"

Rainer : "You may speak"

Patty : "I'm good."

Martina : "Hey, this is like the old days isn't it? *smiles* Remember the fun we used to have in the locker rooms when we were younger. Hey let's have a water fight! For old times sake!"

Rainer whispers to Patty

Patty : "The While Mile does not allow for fighting. The White Mile is the road I must follow. The White Mile will lead me to glory and will smite my opponents to eternal damnation!"

Martina : What? Patty you're not making sense."

*Conchita is at the door*

Conchita :"....nothing new there then!"

Patty : "The Devil walks among us! The Devil walks among us! The Bitch of Disgust walks among us! Smite her! Smite her Rainer!"

*Rainer shouts loudly in an incomprehensible rant*

Conchita : "Is he speaking in tongues?!"

Rainer : "No, Devil. The White Mile has given me the power to curse the evil! The curse I performed means you shall soon suffer the wrath of The White Mile!"

Martina : "Er, Rainer, you do know I speak German too right? That wasn't a curse. You were shouting out the German lyrics of "Dirrty".

Rainer : "Lies, oh doubter! The White Mile will smite you too. Let us go, my disciple!"

*Patty and Rainer walk out*

Martina : "Whoa! That was just weird. Anyway Conchita what are you doing here? I thought you retired?"

Conchita : "I have. I played an exhibition here though yesterday. I think I left my jewelry here in the locker room but I can't seem to find it"

Martina : "Er, you do know Bohmova was here earlier......?"

Conchita : "I'm onto it....."

Martina pulls on her bullet proof vest, body armour and protective padding

Martina : "At least this way I am safe in Paris *sigh*"



WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Rennae Stubbs was found hours later walking through Brussels Airport with several bags of heroin. She was searched, frisked, degraded and internally probed. By two men and a sniffer dog. Her mood lightened though when she was sent to an all female prison for 13 years.

Nancy Loeffler Caro lost in the first round 6-0, 6-0 to a French junior who had never played a senior match before. A Tennis Australia spokesman said "It could have been worse. We could have given it to Nicole Pratt."

Katerina Bohmova was found at her hotel room with Conchita Martinez's jewelry. Police ordered her to do a 12 step program at Kleptomaniacs Anonymous and to give Conchita Martinez back her nipple rings, clitoris stud and knuckledusters.

Patty Schnyder made it to the quarter finals, remarkably while wearing shades in all of her matches. In her QF against Svetlana Kuznetsova, Schnyder stunned the crowd during the first set by pulling an AK-47 out of her racquet bag, leaping into the stands and screaming "Worship The White Mile! Worship The White Mile!". She was defaulted.

Martina Hingis made the final against Nadia Petrova. Serving at 6-1, 5-0, 40-0 Hingis was stunned to see the clay sweep around the court and for the words "THE WHITE MILE" to be spelt out in clay in the middle of the Court Philippe Chatrier. She didn't win another point.

pierce0415
May 25th, 2006, 10:00 PM
morningglory - HILARIOUS

mike/topgun
May 25th, 2006, 10:09 PM
:lol: :p :devil:
AndyT :worship:

morningglory
May 25th, 2006, 10:47 PM
Joan :haha: hope you don't mind me using Patty's cult in my next episode

Joan Rivers
May 25th, 2006, 10:52 PM
Joan :haha: hope you don't mind me using Patty's cult in my next episode
Of course I don't mind kid. Use it, hun. Run with it! :wavey:

hingis-seles
May 25th, 2006, 11:18 PM
Joan :haha:

morningglory :lol:

iPatty
May 25th, 2006, 11:35 PM
ROTFLMAO @ the Patty parts.

:haha: :haha: :haha:

Ackms421
May 26th, 2006, 05:07 AM
FO 2006 - Martina Hingis calls a meeting of Henin-Hardenne, The Williams Sisters, Lindsay Davenport, and the 3 Russian Champions who titled at Grand Slams in 2004. At Martina's request, Anna Kournikova is the mediator of the meeting...

Anna K: Before we begin, Martina would just like to thank you all for coming. Without your assistance, her return to the tour would never have been possible. I would also just like to remind you all to address her as ma'am or your majesty, and please do not make direct eye contact or stare at her. She gets that everywhere she goes and she's done with it. Please make no attempt to have direct contact with her, unless she requests it; which is unlikely. Please also rise when she gets here and maybe bow your head when you sit back down or show some sign of reverance. I mean, this is Martina Hingis we're dealing with here. Do you remember her 97 season?? Okay, here she is...

Martina: Hello ever--
Anna interupts

Anna: Anastasia, you're not standing.

Anastasia: Well Maria's not standing either.

Anna: Yes, but please show some consideration. We are all aware that Maria probably did not understand the instructions.
Maria meanwhile seems to be texting...

Anastasia: Right. Sorry.
Anastasia stands

Martina: Thank you Anna. Okay everyone. I'd like to thank you all for keeping my spot warm while I was gone. I'm back now, however, so I want us all to be clear on what happens now. Please be aware of which locker is mine when you come into the dressing room and remember to leave that one open as well as the two or three to both sides of it. I don't like to be cramped when I am dressing. This especially applies to those of you who don't necessarily really need a locker because of the short duration of your typical tournament stay.

Anna: Anastasia, you should be paying attention here.

Anastasia: Right.

Martina: I do not want any of you to be misled. The last three years have transpired exactly as I had forseen them. Capriati is gone. The Williams sisters are off the map...

Serena and Venus: Hey!

Anna: Ah ah ahhh, ladies. Remember, no direct contact...

Martina: Thank you Anna. The Williams sisters are off the map. Davenport is taking her lasp gasps of life right now, and the Belgians are hit and miss and don't threaten me in general anyway.

Maria: Yes, but what about the Russians. The press are talking about them all the time. They must be a threat.

Martina: You mean "we" must be a threat. You are Russian, are you not?

Maria: Of course not. Wait, is this meeting public?

Martina: No.

Maria: Of course I'm not Russian.

Martina: Maria, as I've articulated very clearly already, the Russians are of no threat to me. You would potentially be my biggest threat and I already dismissed you 6-3, 6-1 following a press conference where I outlined how average you appear to me.

Maria: Yes,but I've beaten you twice since then.

Martina: It's all in the plan Maria. Just wait and see.

Maria: But--

Anna: That was all she needed from you Maria. Thanks!

Martina: The final action that I needed to see was--and let me check my list here so I can be accurate with my quote--Ah yes... I needed to see "someone like Anastasia Myskina win a slam"--

Svetlana Kutznetsova: Was that when I won the US Open in 2004, Myskina and I are both Russian!

Martina: Well...

Svetlana Kutznetsova: Because, you know, I won the US Open in 2004!

Martina: Yes, but...

Svetlana Kutznetsova: I was the 2004 US Open Champion :)

Martina: Anna, could you?

Anna: Sure.
Kournikova tasers Kutznetsova.

Martina: Sveta actually that is my point. Ladies, when I said "someone LIKE Anastasia Myskina, in no way did I mean she herself should win a slam. Especially not MY slam. This was the final straw and final telltale sign that the tour was ready for my return.

Anastaisa: Yes, I won the French Open.

Martina: I know dear.

Anastasia: Yes.

Martina: The fact is when Myskina won the French and Sharapova beat Davenport and Serena Williams en route to the Wimbledon title, and then Mauresmo became #1, I knew my return was overdue.

Anna: Do you think it's open enough for me to return now, Martina?

Martina: Oh, haha. That's why I keep you around Anna, you keep me laughing. :lol:

Anna: Oh...well, yes...

Martina: So, once again ladies, with the Williams removed, Davenport all but removed, Capriati gone, and unknown Russians beating Serena Williams and Davenport, I knew it was time for me to come back and inject a higher level into the game like I did back around a decade ago. So, be aware that titles for you are at a premium now and so is attention. The press will most-likely be interested in my matches from now on and don't expect to get on center court either, unless I am your opponent.

Justine: You know, come to think of it, you're always on center court. Since you were unranked at the begining of the year. And you're still on center court. What are you ranked now??

Martina: Martina Hingis. That's H-I-N-G-I-S.

Justine: No, I said what are you ranke--

Martina: Yes, G-I-S. Hingis. Martina Hingis.

Justine: ...

Martina: Okay.
Martina proceeds to exit the room, and take the walk down the corridor of champions keying the picture of Graf from 1999, then opens the door to a barrage of photographers and press.

Anna: Okay ladies, thanks for your attention. Please, those of you who took notes share with those who did not. This was very important information that we went over here. Thanks again
Anna now proceeds to exit the room, and take the walk down the corridor of champions keying the pictures of every champion there.

Justine: You know, she was right. I still am amazed that Myskina won a slam!

Lindsay: I know!

The End

one_beat
May 26th, 2006, 06:14 AM
ARod: what did you girls bring along anyway? Bricks?
Masha: no, just all the stuff we're endorsing... and you're lucky I changed my mind about that Land Rover...
:haha:

Maria Croft
May 26th, 2006, 08:03 AM
:haha: So great everyone :yeah:

Maryamator
May 26th, 2006, 08:24 AM
LMAO :D i love this thread!

Nicjac
May 26th, 2006, 08:43 AM
FO 2006 - Martina Hingis calls a meeting of Henin-Hardenne, The Williams Sisters, Lindsay Davenport, and the 3 Russian Champions who titled at Grand Slams in 2004. At Martina's request, Anna Kournikova is the mediator of the meeting...

Anna K: Before we begin, Martina would just like to thank you all for coming. Without your assistance, her return to the tour would never have been possible. I would also just like to remind you all to address her as ma'am or your majesty, and please do not make direct eye contact or stare at her. She gets that everywhere she goes and she's done with it. Please make no attempt to have direct contact with her, unless she requests it; which is unlikely. Please also rise when she gets here and maybe bow your head when you sit back down or show some sign of reverance. I mean, this is Martina Hingis we're dealing with here. Do you remember her 97 season?? Okay, here she is...

Martina: Hello ever--
Anna interupts

Anna: Anastasia, you're not standing.

Anastasia: Well Maria's not standing either.

Anna: Yes, but please show some consideration. We are all aware that Maria probably did not understand the instructions.
Maria meanwhile seems to be texting...

Anastasia: Right. Sorry.
Anastasia stands

Martina: Thank you Anna. Okay everyone. I'd like to thank you all for keeping my spot warm while I was gone. I'm back now, however, so I want us all to be clear on what happens now. Please be aware of which locker is mine when you come into the dressing room and remember to leave that one open as well as the two or three to both sides of it. I don't like to be cramped when I am dressing. This especially applies to those of you who don't necessarily really need a locker because of the short duration of your typical tournament stay.

Anna: Anastasia, you should be paying attention here.

Anastasia: Right.

Martina: I do not want any of you to be misled. The last three years have transpired exactly as I had forseen them. Capriati is gone. The Williams sisters are off the map...

Serena and Venus: Hey!

Anna: Ah ah ahhh, ladies. Remember, no direct contact...

Martina: Thank you Anna. The Williams sisters are off the map. Davenport is taking her lasp gasps of life right now, and the Belgians are hit and miss and don't threaten me in general anyway.

Maria: Yes, but what about the Russians. The press are talking about them all the time. They must be a threat.

Martina: You mean "we" must be a threat. You are Russian, are you not?

Maria: Of course not. Wait, is this meeting public?

Martina: No.

Maria: Of course I'm not Russian.

Martina: Maria, as I've articulated very clearly already, the Russians are of no threat to me. You would potentially be my biggest threat and I already dismissed you 6-3, 6-1 following a press conference where I outlined how average you appear to me.

Maria: Yes,but I've beaten you twice since then.

Martina: It's all in the plan Maria. Just wait and see.

Maria: But--

Anna: That was all she needed from you Maria. Thanks!

Martina: The final action that I needed to see was--and let me check my list here so I can be accurate with my quote--Ah yes... I needed to see "someone like Anastasia Myskina win a slam"--

Svetlana Kutznetsova: Was that when I won the US Open in 2004, Myskina and I are both Russian!

Martina: Well...

Svetlana Kutznetsova: Because, you know, I won the US Open in 2004!

Martina: Yes, but...

Svetlana Kutznetsova: I was the 2004 US Open Champion :)

Martina: Anna, could you?

Anna: Sure.
Kournikova tasers Kutznetsova.

Martina: Sveta actually that is my point. Ladies, when I said "someone LIKE Anastasia Myskina, in no way did I mean she herself should win a slam. Especially not MY slam. This was the final straw and final telltale sign that the tour was ready for my return.

Anastaisa: Yes, I won the French Open.

Martina: I know dear.

Anastasia: Yes.

Martina: The fact is when Myskina won the French and Sharapova beat Davenport and Serena Williams en route to the Wimbledon title, and then Mauresmo became #1, I knew my return was overdue.

Anna: Do you think it's open enough for me to return now, Martina?

Martina: Oh, haha. That's why I keep you around Anna, you keep me laughing. :lol:

Anna: Oh...well, yes...

Martina: So, once again ladies, with the Williams removed, Davenport all but removed, Capriati gone, and unknown Russians beating Serena Williams and Davenport, I knew it was time for me to come back and inject a higher level into the game like I did back around a decade ago. So, be aware that titles for you are at a premium now and so is attention. The press will most-likely be interested in my matches from now on and don't expect to get on center court either, unless I am your opponent.

Justine: You know, come to think of it, you're always on center court. Since you were unranked at the begining of the year. And you're still on center court. What are you ranked now??

Martina: Martina Hingis. That's H-I-N-G-I-S.

Justine: No, I said what are you ranke--

Martina: Yes, G-I-S. Hingis. Martina Hingis.

Justine: ...

Martina: Okay.
Martina proceeds to exit the room, and take the walk down the corridor of champions keying the picture of Graf from 1999, then opens the door to a barrage of photographers and press.

Anna: Okay ladies, thanks for your attention. Please, those of you who took notes share with those who did not. This was very important information that we went over here. Thanks again
Anna now proceeds to exit the room, and take the walk down the corridor of champions keying the pictures of every champion there.

Justine: You know, she was right. I still am amazed that Myskina won a slam!

Lindsay: I know!

The End


:worship:

mike/topgun
May 26th, 2006, 10:56 AM
<<Martina: So, once again ladies, with the Williams removed, Davenport all but removed, Capriati gone, and unknown Russians beating Serena Williams and Davenport, I knew it was time for me to come back and inject a higher level into the game like I did back around a decade ago. So, be aware that titles for you are at a premium now and so is attention. The press will most-likely be interested in my matches from now on and don't expect to get on center court either, unless I am your opponent.>>

so true :p
this thread is hilarious indeed:worship:

Andy.
May 26th, 2006, 11:00 AM
I love how Masha is portrayed its too funny :haha:

pla
May 26th, 2006, 11:09 AM
Let me try too :D

Roland Garros locker room, a stellar bunch of players are talking:

Justine: Bonjour mesdammes, as ze reigning Roland Garros champion I open ze debates. Zis year ze debate will be on ze very upsetting first week upsets we- ze great champions, suffer every year. We need to do somsing, poor us. :hug: Amelie is talking girls

Amelie: (quickly whispering) Conne

Justine: What?

Amelie: Rien, rien ma chere Justine. Ladies, as a member of the "Great Grand Slam champions club" I permitted myself to take some dispositions for us, the Greatest great champions. Here, I have the new Roland Garros balls. I worked hard in order to get them. They have a new micro chip and an infrared port, it's French you know, that can modify the trajectory of the ball.

(everyone nods in approval)

.. And there, you can see ladies, the rackets with the integrated remote control we'll need to use. Justine, yours is a bit different, don't pay attention to the strange box that look like a wave-blocking device- it's NOT (crosses fingers behind her back)

Sveta: So, Amelie- are you sure we'll all be able to get to the second week with those new.. infrared waves?

Amelie: Oui Sveta, I told you last night... je voulais dire, I told you yesterday they are fantastic, I passed my "flu" time in practicing with those, it will work for sure.

Elena: Girls, this year the draw will be made by computer, we can work on it too. Mommy has a friend who has a friend, who has a friend..

Nastya: Shut up Lenochka, Boris will help us to hire the best hacker out there.

Elena: But Nastya, you know I don't want to be called Lenochka, why are you always so bad with me? I am gonna say to mama (fades in tears)

Martina: Elena, don't cry, smash her with the racket.. that bitch, and to think she won Roland Garros and I didn't?!? ... bitch.

Nastya: Oh boo-hoo the great Martina never won the French. Martina, call my agent Boris and take a rendez-vous for a clay court lesson. I'll teach you how to play on dirt :devil:

Martina runs to the toilets and comes back with a red face

Meanwhile, Viktoria Azarenka enters and announces:

- All stand up, her Highness, the Queen of the Queens, the Tsarina of all Tsarinas, the great and only... Maaaaaaaariaaa Sharapoooovaaa

Maria enters with her attendance (Maria Kirilenko, Nicole Vaidisova and Anna Chakvetadze)

MariaS to Kirilenko: What is this girl talking about? Tsa.. tsa.. what? And who's she?

MariaK: Tsarina your Deliciousness, tsarina. It means more than a queen, you know. And this is Viktoria Azarenka, she attended your following last year, she wants to be like the great Maria Sharapova

Nastya to Elena: I told you Viktoria is like that tall, blond bitch but at least she's not Russian.

Elena: Da

Nastya: Not that the tall, blond bitch is Russian, of course..

Viktoria: I am Rus...

ALL: Shut up!

Vika burts in tears: but I am a champion too and I am Ru..

ALL: SHUT UP

Nastya: Durak

Elena: Otlichno!

Anna Chakvetdaze bursts in tears too

MariaS to MariaK: Oh Gosh, these wanna-be-US are so pathetic :rolleyes: , they cry all the time. They are going to compromise OUR image, WE are not cry-babies, WE fight

Venus: But I remember a certain wanna-be-ME cried last year on the grass :devil:

Maria's attendance together: Bitch!

MariaS to MariaK: We are going to be back in a minute (runs to the toilets)

Nicole: Venus, how did you do this? I have enough of her, I am a champion myself, I am better than her and did you notice I am more beautiful and a better person and I am not at all like her?

Venus: I'll show you soon my little wanna-be-me-by-procuration, I'll show you soon, just wait for the stupid dirt to end. Queen Venus is back!

Anna bursts in tears again




Suddenly the door opens and Sesil enters with a big smile

- Hi everybody, THIS time I am gonna kick asses (laughs loudly)

ALL: What are YOU doing here?

Nastya (smiling): Venus, where are you? Don't hide, we see your braids behind the chair

Venus: Bitch, I was looking for something, I didn't hide. I don't even know who this girl is.

Sesil: Say hello to the newest ITF anti-doping agent. Let's the kicking begin!

Justine: Allez! For sure, oui. Sveta, why do you cough? :devil:

miffedmax
May 26th, 2006, 02:12 PM
CUT BACK TO LOCKERROOM. ENTER TATI.

RENA:
Damn, Tati, I thought you were sitting this one out.

TATI:
Maybe. Maybe not.

VENUS:
Please tell me youíre not going to do that Russian thing where you keep contradicting yourself at random.

TATI:
Maybe am I. Maybe Iím not.

NADIA:
Hey, all of us donít do that! Only Nastya!

NASTYA:
No I donít. And she is just imitating me, just like fucking Sharapova does. Stop acting like Sharapova, you faux Russian bitch!

MASHA:
Sheís not even Russian like we are. Sheís French.

TATI:
Yep. Iím Russian-French.

ELENA RETURNS, DRAGGING A SMALL AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN IN A VIKING HAT WITH A LARGE WATCH HANGING FROM HIS NECK.

ELENA:
Ha ha. I donít need any of you, even Mommy Vera, because now I have new best friend and doubles partner.

VENUS:
Um, Lena, sweetie, your doubles partner is Flavia, not Flavor Flave.

ELENA RELEASES FLAVOR FLAVE.
ELENA:
Why did you not tell me you are not my doubles partner?

FLAVE:
Ďcause you had me in damn chokehold thatís why! No, if youíll excuse me, I got to go shoot another beer commercial . . .

MASHA:
Whatís this? This mere jester has endorsements that we do not! Seize him!

NICKI GRABS FLAVE AND PUSHES HIM INTO A LOCKER.

FLAVE:
Dayum! What is it with all you tall crazy white women! Why canít you keep your hands of the merchandise. No, wait, I know . . .

NICKI SLAMS LOCKER SHUT, MUFFLING FLAVE.

MASHA JR.
Please donít be upset, your Ultimate Recognizableness! Iím sure you have many more endorsements than him or anybody else on earth, even Michelle . . .

MASHA:
SILENCE! You know that name is forbidden in our presence! Now, go out and get me more contracts!

CUT BACK TO LINDS AND MARTINA.

LINDS:
This will be easy. Here are just a few things you will need.

LINDS PULLS A STACK OF PAPERS FROM A TENNIS BAG NEXT TO HER CHAIR AND HANDS THEM TO HINGIS.

HINGIS:
Whatís all this? A stack of papers? I donít have time for this! I need a real plan, and I need it now!

LINDS:
Just look at those papers a little more closely . . .

HINGIS:
Why let me see . . . hereís an endorsement contract for Halliburton . . . a DNA test . . . a report on the side effects of too much fruit juice . . . pain pill prescriptions . . . a French passport . . . a recipe for garlic donuts . . . a contract to redecorate Versailles . . . a bunch of old tournament draws . . .what am I supposed to do with all this crap?

LINDS:

Isnít it obvious?

(TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Harju.
May 26th, 2006, 05:07 PM
:haha: :haha:.

Keep them coming please.

morningglory
May 26th, 2006, 05:36 PM
HINGIS:
Why let me see . . . hereís an endorsement contract for Halliburton . . . a DNA test . . . a report on the side effects of too much fruit juice . . . pain pill prescriptions . . . a French passport . . . a recipe for garlic donuts . . . a contract to redecorate Versailles . . . a bunch of old tournament draws . . .what am I supposed to do with all this crap?
endorsement = Maria, fruit juice side effect = Patty, Versailles contract = Venus, Garlic donuts = Anastasia...
who's the DNA test, pain pill, passport and old draws for?

mandy7
May 26th, 2006, 06:40 PM
Martina: I do not want any of you to be misled. The last three years have transpired exactly as I had forseen them. Capriati is gone. The Williams sisters are off the map...

Serena and Venus: Hey!

Anna: Ah ah ahhh, ladies. Remember, no direct contact...

Martina: Thank you Anna. The Williams sisters are off the map. Davenport is taking her lasp gasps of life right now, and the Belgians are hit and miss and don't threaten me in general anyway.

Maria: Yes, but what about the Russians. The press are talking about them all the time. They must be a threat.

Martina: You mean "we" must be a threat. You are Russian, are you not?

Maria: Of course not. Wait, is this meeting public?

Martina: No.

Maria: Of course I'm not Russian.

:worship:

SzavayFi
May 26th, 2006, 08:28 PM
Hantuchova, Myskina, Dementieva, Mommy Vera, and Patty,are all sitting around a table in the locker room.

Patty to bartender: Hmmm, may I have some vodka mixed with orange juice, that sounds just perfect.
Dani: Hmmm, Ill just have some diet water please :)
Myskina: So Dani, I hear you got a new coach! Is he fuckable?

Dani: Oh no no, hes 3'7''. Not the tallest guy, not everyone fucks their coach everynight light your Nastya :rolleyes: Speaking of...where is Jens?

Myskina: Oh yeah, he is still chained to the bed at home, i better get back to my precious soon.

Lena D: What are yall talking about?. But anyways, last night i bought some of the CUSTEST barbies and i was wondering if anyone wanted to come over to my house after this and play dress up :D

(enter amelie)

Amelie: Drezz up, weeth you elena dear. why shuur, i viiil show you a goood time. i viilll hapily dress you.

Lena D: :speakles: OMG. someone ACTUALLY wants to play with me. Its like my 1st grade year ALL over again.....Mommy, would you like to come with us?

Mommy Vera: Oh no dear, i was hoping Dani would bring Nigel with him but thats just not the case, i was wanting more of that british sex machine.

Lena D: Ok mommy, bye bye, and when I get back you can finally tell me what this "sex" thing is.
-lena and amelie leave with amelie groping lenas ass)
*ENTERS MARIA SHARAPOVA with Maria Kirilenko and what appears to be a Gorilla*

Sharapova: Mini-Me, go fetch me some iced tea, and i want EXACTLY 8.96433234234234634567634611235356 grams of sugar. If you are not back in 3 minutes exactly you will recieve 7 lashes.

Maria K: Oh, yes, of course your highness. (maria runs off in a drastic limp)

Dani: Ummm, Maria, what is that hairy, gorrila-ish charecter next to you?

(maria swishes her hair like no one said anything)

Dani: Oh gosh, Queen Maria, you and all your Majesty, may I propose a question?

Maria: Go ahead you savage

Dani: Queen Maria I ask of you, who is this gorilla-ish charecter laying at your majestic feet.

Maria: Oh, that is Sesil, i treid to make her stop the steroids, but she just wouldnt, now she is a monster that obeys my every word.

*Maria K re-enters*

Maria Sharapova: You took 3 minutes and 46 seconds, I geuss you will be having your lashes. Meet me at the stone table at 3.

Maria K: Oh your highness I have failed you once again, please please punish me with your royal hands. I have prepared a cup of tea for you, i hope you will devour it with great delight.

Maria Sharapova: *takes a sip* Oh Mini-Me, you stupid, ignorant lowlife, you put way to much sugar. Is it really that hard to put 8.96433234234234634567634611235356 grams of suger in a mere glass of tea. I will give you a choice.....because i AM a generous queen. You can either be banished forever from my royal highness, or Sesil will get to devour your right leg for a meal tonight, she is hungry for human flesh.

Masha K: Oh, I dont deserve your presence my lord, I will be banished forever, I have done 2 HORRIBLE things today. My lord, i will miss you and even then i am away from your royalty i will think of you every minite.

Maria Sharapova: Ok then, shut up and leave. I never want to see you again.

-Maria K leaves room and stops by the library to buy a book on "How to be an Individual"-

sorry i am not very creative i am home along right now and bored, hopefully its not all really stupid and bad :o

Nicjac
May 27th, 2006, 10:54 AM
endorsement = Maria, fruit juice side effect = Patty, Versailles contract = Venus, Garlic donuts = Anastasia...
who's the DNA test, pain pill, passport and old draws for?

I think some pregnancy test and a home crowd will be an issue *begs for the next installment*

Niunia
May 27th, 2006, 03:39 PM
:haha:
more please :D

darrinbaker00
May 29th, 2006, 06:13 PM
Chateau Williams, Monday evening...

Isha: "Looking good, Vee. Six more wins, and this baby's yours."

Venus: "Not so fast, Isha. I have to beat Emma Laine first."

Isha: "You know, you're boring when you're humble. Arrogant Venus is a lot more fun."

Lyndrea :hearts: "Mrs. James Blake...Lyndrea Price-Blake..."

Isha: "What happened to your Marat Safin fantasy, Lyn?"

Lyndrea: "His ranking is too low. Nothing but top 20 hunks for me. Besides, this ain't no fantasy. James and I are really getting married."

Isha :rolleyes: "Yeah, right after you win 'American Idol.'"

Venus: "Where's Daddy? He wasn't in the stands today."

Isha: "I don't know. I haven't seen him all day."

As if on cue, Daddy Rich comes down the stairs...

Richard: "Hi, girls. How'd it go today, Vee?"

Venus: "I won in straights. Why weren't you there?"

Richard :unsure: "I...uh...I had some business to take care of, and--"

Isha (sniff, sniff): "Are those Belgian waffles I smell?"

The kitchen door opens...

Els Clijsters (wearing Richard's bathrobe and a smile): "Come and get it, Big Daddy! Oh, hello, girls. Care for some waffles?"

Isha: "You ain't said nothin' but a word, baby!" (munch, munch)

Venus :fiery: "How could you, Daddy?"

Richard :hehehe: "Don't hate the player, Vee. Hate the game."

Meanwhile, in Laguna Beach, California...

Lindsay Davenport: "Well, babe, everybody's in Paris, and we're here. You know what that means, don't you?"

Jon Leach: "Yeah, two weeks of monogamy. Sucks, doesn't it?"

Lindsay: "Sure does."

mandy7
May 30th, 2006, 02:04 PM
*bump*

mike/topgun
May 30th, 2006, 03:12 PM
The kitchen door opens...

Els Clijsters (wearing Richard's bathrobe and a smile): "Come and get it, Big Daddy! Oh, hello, girls. Care for some waffles?"

Isha: "You ain't said nothin' but a word, baby!" (munch, munch)

Venus "How could you, Daddy?"

Richard "Don't hate the player, Vee. Hate the game."

Meanwhile, in Laguna Beach, California...

Lindsay Davenport: "Well, babe, everybody's in Paris, and we're here. You know what that means, don't you?"

Jon Leach: "Yeah, two weeks of monogamy. Sucks, doesn't it?"

Lindsay: "Sure does."

:droppeddead:
:worship:

pierce0415
May 30th, 2006, 07:54 PM
the locker room is a mecca of activity after the completion of the first round. there are a couple of highly ranked Russians in one corner

Elena Dementieva: Nastya, congrats on your first round win over Sania.

Nastya Myskina: Thanks Elena. After going 0-3 here last year against Sanchez-Lorenzo, Mauresmo and Pierce, I am glad to finally get another victory. I don't even remember the last time I won here ... oh wait, it was when I clobbered you for the title.

Elena Dementieva: :sad:

Dinara Safina: It's OK Lena :hug:

suddenly Anna Chakvetadze and Elena Vesnina burst in.

Elena Vesnina: HELP! Anna and I need your loyal support Russian in a street fight tonight !!!

Elena Dementieva: :eek: . A street fight? What is that?

Anna Chakvetadze: well Elena V and I had a fight with Aravene Rezai and her dad over a practice court. Then we smacked them with our racquets. But now Aravene and her dad challenged us to a street fight tonight on Suzanne Langlen court.

Vera Dementieva: My daughter will not be taking part in a barbarian activity. She will be in bed reading Tolstoy

Dinara Safina: I would like to help but unfortunately I have a match tomorrow morning

Nastya Myskina: Uh I will try. But no guarantee.

Anna Chakvetadze and Elena Vesnina go over to another part of the locker room. Masha Sharapova is seated at her throne, texting Andy Roddick. A tired (from her 3s match)Masha Kirilenko and Kat Bychkova are kneeling on the ground polishing Masha Sharapova's toenails. Court jester Sesil stands nearby.

Anna Chakvetadze: Masha. Please we need you and your royal court to support us tonight in a street fight against Rezai or else we will get our asses whooped.

Masha Sharapova dosen't even look from her texting: Jester, please banish these groundling out of my sight.

Sesil: Get out before I call my baby's daddy.

Anna Chakvetadze and Elena Vesnina go to another part of the locker room.

Elena Vesnina: Girls, can you be our bodyguards tonight?

Bepa Zvonareva: OK. We don't have anything better to do while we are in Paris.

Nadia Petrova: But I am injured.

Bepa Zvonareva: Quit finding an excuse for your loss. Yes we will be a Gang of 4.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is dark and eerie on SZ court. Anna Chakvetadze and Elena Vesnina emerge from the depths of the locker room. They are flanked by bodyguards Bepa Zvonareva and Nadia Petrova.

On the other side of the court, Aravene Rezai and her father.

Aravene Rezai: Look dad, here come the cowards.

Dad Rezai: Who are those 2 with them. They look sort of look Bebop and Rocksteady.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y137/ComfortInFeederSound/Bebop_and_Rocksteady.jpg

Aravene Rezai: Oh it is only Nadia and Vera Z. Our support crew can handle them. Hello cowards! You disgraced France with your actions today and you will pay.

Anna Chakvetadze: Sorry it is you that will feel the pain. Looks like we got you outnumbered.

Aravene Rezai: Think again.

suddenly Tatiana Golovin and Amelie Mauresmo emerge and join Aravene and dad

Elena Vesnina: You brought a cripple and a choko to have your back? :lol:

Anna Chakvetadze: Tatiana, you are a true traitor. You should be on the Russian side.

Aravene: Charge.

Nadia bodyslams Daddy Rezai. Amelie grapples with Elena Vesnina. Anna Chakvetadze knees Aravene. Tatiana takes one of her crutches and hits Zvonareva.

Zvonreva starts bawling and the court is flooded.

END :confused:

darrinbaker00
May 31st, 2006, 06:45 AM
Chateau Williams, early Wednesday morning...

Venus: :mad:

Isha: "For the last time, Vee, Reebok is not going to re-sign you. Let it go."

Venus: "It's not that, Isha. I can't believe Daddy slept with Kim Clijsters' mother!"

Isha: "I ain't mad at him, Vee. After all, Kimmie's mama is FINE. If I was a dude, I'd hit that."

Venus: "Yeah, you're right. It was just weird seeing her in Daddy's bathrobe. By the way, how were her waffles?"

Isha :lick: "Venus, that was the first time in my life I ever cried after a meal."

Venus: "THAT good?"

Isha: "Yep, THAT good."

Lyndrea: :fiery:

Venus: "What's wrong, Lyn?"

Lyndrea: "That punk James Blake had me served with a restraining order. I didn't like his no-clay-winnin' a** anyway. How does 'SeŮora Lyndrea Price-Nalbandian' sound?"

Isha: "Almost as unrealistic as 'The GRAMMYô goes to SeŮora Lyndrea Price-Nalbandian.' ALMOST."

Venus: :lol:

Lyndrea: "I know you're not laughing, Miss I've-Been-Negotiating-A-New-Deal-With-Reebok-For-Two-Years."

The kitchen door opens...

Richard: "Could y'all please keep the noise down? I'm trying to cook."

Isha: "Is that borscht I smell?"

Richard: "Yep. A new friend of mine showed me how to make it last night."

Venus: "New friend? Last night? Oh, no..."

Vera Dementieva (wearing, you guessed it, Richard's bathrobe and a smile): "Remember our deal, Babuschka. I give you booty, you give Elena free serve lessons. (looks to her left) Oh, good morning, ladies."

Venus :fiery: :fiery: "DADDY!!"

Richard: "At least she's paying me for lessons. I still ain't seen a dime from you and Serena!"

Lyndrea: "Lyndrea Price-Ljubicic..."

iced gem
Jun 1st, 2006, 08:16 AM
Chateau Williams, early Wednesday morning...

Venus: :mad:

Isha: "For the last time, Vee, Reebok is not going to re-sign you. Let it go."

Venus: "It's not that, Isha. I can't believe Daddy slept with Kim Clijsters' mother!"

Isha: "I ain't mad at him, Vee. After all, Kimmie's mama is FINE. If I was a dude, I'd hit that."

Venus: "Yeah, you're right. It was just weird seeing her in Daddy's bathrobe. By the way, how were her waffles?"

Isha :lick: "Venus, that was the first time in my life I ever cried after a meal."

Venus: "THAT good?"

Isha: "Yep, THAT good."

Lyndrea: :fiery:

Venus: "What's wrong, Lyn?"

Lyndrea: "That punk James Blake had me served with a restraining order. I didn't like his no-clay-winnin' a** anyway. How does 'SeŮora Lyndrea Price-Nalbandian' sound?"

Isha: "Almost as unrealistic as 'The GRAMMYô goes to SeŮora Lyndrea Price-Nalbandian.' ALMOST."

Venus: :lol:

Lyndrea: "I know you're not laughing, Miss I've-Been-Negotiating-A-New-Deal-With-Reebok-For-Two-Years."

The kitchen door opens...

Richard: "Could y'all please keep the noise down? I'm trying to cook."

Isha: "Is that borscht I smell?"

Richard: "Yep. A new friend of mine showed me how to make it last night."

Venus: "New friend? Last night? Oh, no..."

Vera Dementieva (wearing, you guessed it, Richard's bathrobe and a smile): "Remember our deal, Babuschka. I give you booty, you give Elena free serve lessons. (looks to her left) Oh, good morning, ladies."

Venus :fiery: :fiery: "DADDY!!"

Richard: "At least she's paying me for lessons. I still ain't seen a dime from you and Serena!"

Lyndrea: "Lyndrea Price-Ljubicic..."

:haha: :yeah:

azmad_88
Jun 1st, 2006, 08:23 AM
some good ones here

silverwhite
Jun 1st, 2006, 08:50 AM
Nathalie Tauziat comes stomping into the locker room
"MaREEE? MaREEEE? T'es oý?
Putain where is zis gurl? Is time for ze entrainement, putain."

Silence

Nathalie (to herself):
"Merde, I forgot she don't understand ze French.
Aloud "MarEEE? Are you zere? We av to practise?"

Sees Mary Pierce crying in a corner.

"Ah Putain, crying again! Wat is ze matteur - av you lost anozer eyelash? Putain, elle fait shier cette fille."

Mary:
No, no Nathalie, it's worse than that. Much worse. I don't think I can do it. I may have to miss this year. snivels

Nathalie:
Wat? Merde! Wat do you mean. You are still urt? It can't be true! Ze 'ole ov France is counting on you - zey know zat lilly-livered lesbienne 'as no chance to win -you are ze only 'ope for la gloire de la France (mutters under her breath) even zough we know you are no more French zan Barbara Boosh. (aloud) You must play! You must stop zat 'ingis from winning 'ere and you must 'ave revenge and prevent anozer 'umiliation by la garce Belge, putain. Allez MaREE! Merde!

Mary: No, no, Nathalie, you don't understand. I can play - the injury was only chipped toenail varnish - but I just can't... per... (sobs).... I can't perform any more. I've been away too long, it's all gone!

Nathalie. Ach, don't be so stupeed, of course you can. You will be fine, d'accord? You always rise to ze occasion..... except, per'aps at wimbledon, c'est vrai....but zat was my, ow you say, back yard, anyway.

Mary, No! (Sobs louder) Listen, I said I can't perform: I've lost my aim on the fingertip blowing, I've lost my touch and can't put my ponytail straight to save my life, the timing has gone on my strut and I can't do my fake smile before I serve at all. It's all gone.

Nathalie, Putain, zis is serious. You ave to try. You 'ave all zese dresses to advertise, I mean, wear!

Mary, I can't Nathalie, without my mannerisms, I am nothing.
Nathalie. Ecoute, you can still do ze toilet breaks of 17 minutes, n'est-ce pas?
Mary: ...Yes, of course.
Nathalie... and you can still swing your 'ead to make ze ponytail fly, non?
Mary: yes, I've done that instinctively since birth.
Nathalie, well, zen. You see, it is not so bad. Ze rest will follow. Let us practice ze fingertips today and maybe ze stupeed smile. Just 'alf an hower. OK?
Mary (heartened) Ok. picking up her racquets
Nathalie. Zat's ze spirit. Merde! allez, putain!

:haha:

:tape: at the language Tauziat's using.

mike/topgun
Jun 1st, 2006, 09:43 AM
Wat? Merde! Wat do you mean. You are still urt? It can't be true! Ze 'ole ov France is counting on you - zey know zat lilly-livered lesbienne 'as no chance to win -you are ze only 'ope for la gloire de la France (mutters under her breath) even zough we know you are no more French zan Barbara Boosh. (aloud) You must play! You must stop zat 'ingis from winning 'ere and you must 'ave revenge and prevent anozer 'umiliation by la garce Belge, putain. Allez MaREE! Merde!

simply hilarious

henmanhill
Jun 2nd, 2006, 12:09 AM
This is a great thread. Keep 'em coming.

darrinbaker00
Jun 6th, 2006, 03:32 AM
Women's locker room, Monday evening...

Patty Schnyder: "I'll put $100 on Venus. I've played her twice in the last four weeks, and I am convinced she is the one."

Anastasia Myskina: "Nyet. Now that Hingis is back, she is new queen. I will bet $100 on her."

Elena Dementieva: Since Richard is giving me serve lessons, I must go with Venus. Put me down for $100, Anastasia."

Svetlana Kuznetsova: "Why is everyone betting on only Venus and Hingis? I am still in tournament, you know."

Anastasia: "We are not betting on which of them will win tournament, Sveta. We are betting on which of them has larger forehead. Care to place wager?"

Sveta: "Da. One hundred dollars on Hingis, please."

Meanwhile, at Chateau Safin(a)...

Marat: "Dinara? Could you come here, please? I need your help."

Dinara: "What is it, Marat?"

Marat: "I am in slump."

Dinara: "Do not worry. You will be back in top 10 by US Open. Allah will provide."

Marat: "I am not talking about tennis, Dinara. I have not had sex in three days, and I was wondering if you could hook me up with someone from locker room."

Dinara: "Of course, Marat. One thousand American dollars, please."

Marat: "ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS?? But I am your brother!"

Dinara: "Pimping is not easy, Marat, but someone must do it. You no pay, you no play."

Marat: :mad:

Meanwhile, at Chateau Williams...

James Blake: "Looking good, Vee. You're going to win this thing, I know it."

Venus: "Thanks, JB, and thanks again for staying and hitting with me. I really appreciate it."

James: "My pleasure, Vee. I was hoping both of us would commemorate the Golden Anniversary of Althea Gibson's first major victory by winning here, but since I'm out, the least I could do is help you out as much as possible. (nervously looks around) Lyndrea isn't here, is she?"

Venus: "Nope. She and Isha are out shopping."

James: "Good. I didn't want to slap that restraining order on her, but she left me no choice. She was following me into the locker room after my matches, for crying out loud."

Venus: "I understand, JB, believe me. While we're sort of on the subject, would you consider dating a sane black woman?"

James: "Nope."

Venus: "I didn't think so, but I thought I'd take a shot anyway. No hard feelings?"

James: "No hard feelings. (sniff, sniff) Do you smell Swiss cheese? I smell Swiss cheese."

Venus :rolleyes: "Swiss cheese? Lord, please it be Patty Schnyder's mom..."

Down the stairs comes Daddy Rich in his Hugh Hefner pajamas...

Richard: "Good news, Vee! If it's you and Hingis in the final, you win! Oh, hi, James."

Venus: :fiery:

James: "Venus, did your father...?"

Venus: "Yes, James."

James: "With MELANIE MOLITOR?"

Venus: "Yes, James."

James :eek: "That's nasty."

Venus: "Yes, James."

darrinbaker00
Jun 6th, 2006, 05:27 PM
Chateau Williams, Tuesday evening...

Isha: "Tough loss today, Vee."

Venus (wearing a "PROPERTY OF NICOLE VAIDISOVA" T-shirt): "Yeah, but that's just how it goes sometimes. The kid played better ball and deserved to win."

Isha :rolleyes: "You're REALLY boring when you're humble, Vee. I'm so glad Serena doesn't have that problem."

Venus: "No, Isha, she does not. You know, as much as I hate to lose, I'm kind of glad I did this one time."

Isha: "Why's that, Vee?"

Venus: "Because it means that Daddy slept with Melanie Molitor last night for nothing."

Isha :eek: "He did WHAT? With WHO? Kim Clijsters' mama is one thing, but HINGIS' mama? Even if she didn't look like a dude with that short haircut, that's just W-R-O-N-G."

Venus: "Sure is. By the way, have you seen Lyndrea today?"

Isha: "Not since this morning. She was mumbling something about Mirka Vavrinec having an unfortunate accident."

Venus :rolleyes: "Oh, no. You know what that means, don't you?"

Isha: "Yep. Another restraining order."

The front door opens...

Lyndrea (sporting not one, but TWO black eyes): I hate men's tennis, and I ESPECIALLY hate men's tennis players!"

Isha :lol: "Dang, Lyn! It looks like Mirka opened up a can of Industrial Strength Whoop-Assô on you!"

Venus: "You know, Lyn, you should have sang to Mirka instead. She would have given Roger to you just to make you stop."

Lyndrea: "F*** both of y'all! When does our plane leave? The sooner I get out of Paris, the better!"

Venus: "That reminds me, where's--?"

The front door opens again...

Richard :D "Hey, girls. Beautiful day, isn't it?

Isha: "What's that you got behind your back, Pops?"

Venus: "It's a big wad of cash he won for betting against me today. How much, Daddy?"

Richard: "Ten thousand American. I love Paris in the springtime!"

Nicjac
Jun 6th, 2006, 05:32 PM
Chateau Williams, Tuesday evening...

Isha: "Tough loss today, Vee."

Venus (wearing a "PROPERTY OF NICOLE VAIDISOVA" T-shirt): "Yeah, but that's just how it goes sometimes. The kid played better ball and deserved to win."

Isha :rolleyes: "You're REALLY boring when you're humble, Vee. I'm so glad Serena doesn't have that problem."

Venus: "No, Isha, she does not. You know, as much as I hate to lose, I'm kind of glad I did this one time."

Isha: "Why's that, Vee?"

Venus: "Because it means that Daddy slept with Melanie Molitor last night for nothing."

Isha :eek: "He did WHAT? With WHO? Kim Clijsters' mama is one thing, but HINGIS' mama? Even if she didn't look like a dude with that short haircut, that's just W-R-O-N-G."

Venus: Sure is. By the way, have you seen Lyndrea today?"

Isha: "Not since this morning. She was mumbling something about Mirka Vavrinec having an unfortunate accident."

Venus :rolleyes: "Oh, no. You know what that means, don't you?"

Isha: "Yep. Another restaining order."

The front door opens...

Lyndrea (sporting not one, but TWO black eyes): I hate men's tennis, and I ESPECIALLY hate men's tennis players!"

Isha :lol: "Dang, Lyn! It looks like Mirka opened up a can of Industrial Strength Whoop-Assô on you!"

Venus: "You know, Lyn, you should have sang to Mirka instead. She would have given Roger to you just to make you stop."

Lyndrea: "F*** both of y'all! When does our plane leave? The sooner I get out of Paris, the better!"

Venus: "That reminds me, where's--?"

The front door opens again...

Richard :D "Hey, girls. Beautiful day, isn't it?

Isha: "What's that you got behind your back, Pops?"

Venus: "It's a big wad of cash he won for betting against me today. How much, Daddy?"

Richard: "Ten thousand American. I love Paris in the springtime!"


:haha: