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View Full Version : PRE-OZ Confrentation Quest: WTA meets King Arthur meets the Federation Grail . . .


miffedmax
Jan 6th, 2006, 09:59 PM
(Okay, Iíve been rereading King Arthur, playing games based on King Arthur and watching movies about King Arthur over the X-mas holidays with the kids. So this came to me in lieu of an Aussie Open Confrontation . . .)


(Open in the castle of Queen Serena, who lies sick on her bed. Enter Oracene, dressed in black, as though in mourning).

ORACENE:

Oh, woe! Queen Serena is laid low by some mysterious malady, even as the evil Empress of Switzerland returns to do battle, backed by her legions of yodelers, siege engines that hurl boiling hot chocolate and a host of WTAworld posters!

Where is the Royal Court? Who will come to the aid of my poor baby? Where is the brave Sir Knizzle? The bold Sir Giles? The crafty DarrinBaker? The perspicacious VeeReeFan? The wise Volcana? (NOTE: I know Iíve left out some great Royal Court members, please donít be offended if I missed youóor if I included you, for that matter!)

SERENA:

Mom, you know theyíre all busy helping Venus redecorate the West Wing of the Castle. (The strain of speaking causes Serena to be seized by a fit of violent coughing).

ORACENE:

Of course. The West Wing of the Castle hasnít looked too good since it was besieged by those nasty Belgians. But what are we to do?

(SUDDENLY, A FLASH OF SMOKE FILLS THE AIR! THE DREADED WITCH QUEEN, LINDSEY Le FAY, EMERGES, HACKING AND COUGHING)

LINDS;

(cough, cough) Fear not, for the sake of TV ratings and because no Russkies are worthy to hold the sacred Federation Grail I have set aside our old rivalry and have come to aid you!

ORACENE:

Can we trust you?

SERENA:

Do we have a choice?

LINDS:
Thanks for the overwhelming vote of confidence. But I have here a recipe for a potion of mystical power that will restore Queen Serena to her former greatness.

ORACENE:

If itís such a great potion, why donít you take it yourself?

LINDS:

It requires great time and expense to prepare. It taste nasty. And Iím not the one who got aced by the Soft-Server of Muscovy. Twice.

RENA:

It was an exhibition!

LINDS:

Exhibition, schmexibition. You got served by Lena D.

ORACENE:

Oh, baby, sheís right.

RENA:

Then I will drink this evil potion. Pray, what is made of?

LINDS:

Letís see . . . (flipping through large spell book)

It will require one set of golden bangs . . . the blood of a vampire bat . . . a pair of Harry Potter glasses . . . a virgin trophy . . . some distilled essence of bitchiness . . . a ruby from a royal crown . . . a leather choker and some pure snow from the highest peak.

ORACENE (busily writes everything down).

Got it. But who shall ride on this quest? All the knights and ladies of our Royal Court are busy . . .

SERENA:

Then bring forth some young squire to earn a knighthood!

ORACENE:

Then, I give you Young Donald, the squire!

(Enter Young Donald, the squire)

DONALD:

Yes, my Queen?

RENA:

ďRide forth on this perilous quest, and bring back these things you see listed here.Ē

DONALD:

ďBut where will I find such wondrous things?Ē

LINDS:

ďIíd start with the steppes of Muscovy myself . . . ď

(DAYS LATER. YOUNG DONALD HAS RIDDEN FOR A LONG TIME. DIRT AND DUST COVERS HIS ARMOR. HIS HORSES HEAD DROOPS. HE ARRIVES AT A GIANT TOWER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STEPPES OF MUSCOVY, AND POUNDS ON THE DOOR WITH THE BUTT OF HIS SWORD.

MOMENTS LATER, LENA DíS HEAD EMERGES FROM THE TOWERS ONLY WINDOW, WHICH IS AT LEAST 30 FEET UP.)

LENA D:

ďHello? Who is it?Ē

DONALD:

ďTis, I, Donald, a Squire from the Court of Queen Serena. And who am I addressing?Ē

LENA D:

ďI am called Elena of the Weak Hands, for in truth I can barely hold a serve. I am kept locked in this impenetrable tower by my Mommy Vera.Ē

DONALD:

ďYou mean your wicked stepmommy Vera, for who else would treat so fair a maiden so cruelly?Ē

LENA D:

ďNo, sheís my real Mommy.Ē

DONALD:

ďThen I must rescue you . . .

LENA D:

ďNo, itís okay. I like it here.Ē

DONALD:

ďI see your hair is passing fair. Have you any bangs?Ē

LENA D.

ďI used to. But Mommy Vera says bangs are for little girls. Now that Iím a big girl I donít have bangs any more.Ē

DONALD:

ďWithout your golden bangs, my quest is undone already!Ē

LENA D:

ďOkay, tell you what. The tourís about to start, Iíll come done from the Tower, and as we tour Iíll grow my bangs out again. Okay?Ē

DONALD:

ďI am yours to command, fair maiden.Ē

(LENA D LOWERS HERSELF TO THE GROUND USING HER OWN THICK PLAIT OF HAIR AS A ROPE. SHE IS DRESSED IN HER CINDERELLA COSTUME)

LENA D:

ďWell, isnít this romantic. Being rescued, even if it is just from Mommy Vera for a couple of days. Whatís next on your quest?

DONALD:

ďThe blood of a vampire bat.Ē

LENA D:

ďEeewwww! Gross! But I know where we can get some. In fact, youíre lucky you came to me first, for Iím the only one who could help you.

DONALD AND LENA RIDE FOR MANY DAYS BEFORE COMING TO THE FOOTHILLS OF THE MOUNTAINS. THEY NOW STAND BEFORE A DECREPIT CASTLE. CRACKS APPEAR IN ALL THE WALLS, THE PORTCULLIS IS RUSTED OPEN, A GREAT RUSTY KNOCKER HANGS FROM A ROTTING WOODEN DOOR.

A SIGN PLANTED IN THE DIRT OUTSIDE THE DOOR READS ďNO VISITORS ACCEPTED BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 6 A.M. AND 6 P.M." AS DONALD AND LENA DISMOUNT, THE LAST RAYS OF SUNSHINE SLIP FROM THE SKY AND IT BEGINS TO RAIN.

LENA D:

Is perfect timing!

DONALD:

This place gives me the creeps. Why are we here?

LENA D:

Donít be such an American Ďfraidy cat. Knock on the door.

DONALD PULLS BACK THE KNOCKED AND HITS THE DOOR WITH IT. A BOOM ECHOES THROUGHOUT THE CASTLE, AND A GARGOYLE FALLS FROM A BATTLEMENT, NEARLY CRUSHING OUR KNIGHT AND LADY. AS DONALD DRAWS BACK TO HIT THE DOOR AGAIN, THE KNOCKER COMES OFF IN HIS HAND. JUST THEN, NASTYAíS FACE APPEARS, BLOODLESS AND PALE IN A BROKEN OPENING OF THE DOOR.

NASTYA:

What the fuck do you want?

LENA D:

Itís me! How are you Nastya?

NASTYA:

That doesnít look like your mother.

LENA D:

Of course thatís not Mommy Vera! Itís Donald. Heís on a knightly quest! Isnít it romantic?

NASTYA:

Youíre fucking kidding me.

DONALD:

Hello Countess. Iím sorry about your knocker.

NASTYA:

Donít worry. Iíve been after Jens to fix that fucking thing for weeks.

NASTYA TURNS AND YELLS BACK INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE CASTLE:

Hey, fucking Jens! The fucking doorknocker is fucking broken again.

LENA D:

Donít be fooled by her coarse language. Sheís really quite sweet.

NASTYA:

Yes. Iím only rude to FUCKING JENS because he is big pain in neck. Is joke. Get it?
(NASTYA SMILES TO REVEAL HER FANGS)

DONALD:

Please Countess, we need the blood of a vampire bat.

NASTYA:

But bats are so cute and cuddly. Are you sure you wouldnít rather have blood of fucking useless coach?

DONALD:

Is he a vampire?

NASTYA LOOKS AT DONALD AS IF HEíS JUST SAID THE STUPIDEST THING IMAGINABLE.

NASTYA:

Fucking Jens? A Vampire? No fucking way.

LENA D:

Now, Nastya, you know you still owe me a pizza from last year. And Iíve just decided I want one with Vampire blood. And pepperoni.

NASTYA:

I think pizzas are only for finals . . .

LENA D.:

Nastyaaaaaa . . .

NASTYA:

All right, all right. Iíll send fucking Jens for a fucking pizza. Should only take him two or three times to get it right . . . hey, what the fuck are you doing with your hair?

LENA D:

Iím growing back my bangs.

NASTYA:

Fucking blondes. Thereís just no understanding them. Well, come in for a drink while we wait for Jens . . .

A FEW HOURS LATER, NASTYA, LENA D. AND A VERY PALE DONALD EMERGE FROM THE CASTLE, DONALD CARRYING THE PIZZA AS THOUGH IT WERE A SHIELD. THEY CLIMB ABOARD NASTYAíS HEARSE. JENS IS DRIVING.

LENA D:

Iím so glad youíre coming too, Nastya! We can have sleepovers, and tell secrets and play Mystery Knight Date and . . .

NASTYA:

Move over Jens. I will drive us to Nadiaís Garden.

LENA D:

No, please, anything but that . . .

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

Pengttaya
Jan 6th, 2006, 10:38 PM
NASTYA:

What the fuck do you want?

LENA D:

Itís me! How are you Nastya?

:haha:
and

LINDS:

It requires great time and expense to prepare. It taste nasty. And Iím not the one who got aced by the Soft-Server of Muscovy. Twice.


:haha:

strawberry.babou
Jan 6th, 2006, 10:46 PM
:haha:
This is way too good! XD I can't stop laughing. Lena is now a big girl, and big girls don't have bangs.

Corswandt
Jan 6th, 2006, 11:29 PM
a pair of Harry Potter glasses . . . a virgin trophy . . . some distilled essence of bitchiness . . . a ruby from a royal crown . . . a leather choker and some pure snow from the highest peak

Looking forward to know where these will be found. I have some guesses, but I don't want to ruin this for other people.

You've done these threads before. Ever thought of making a compilation, or a "best of", at least?

ceiling_fan
Jan 6th, 2006, 11:38 PM
u should write a fricking book

Spirit
Jan 9th, 2006, 01:25 PM
What in the holy flying fuck is this thread doing on page fucking 8?

Bump this fucker. And keep bumping it until Miffed finishes. And find Miffed and chain him to his computer. Tell him he gets food only when he writes a new installment (but give him all the drinks he wants).

That's an order, people! Come on, let's move!

miffedmax
Jan 9th, 2006, 02:23 PM
NASTYAíS HEARSE COMES TO A SKIDDING, SCREECHING HALT ON THE BANKS OF A WIDE RIVER. THE WHEELS OF THE HEARSE SNAP OFF AND ROLL IN DIFRERENT DIRECTIONS. LENA D. AND YOUNG DONALD ARE EJECTED AND ROLL TO A STOP INCHES FROM THE WATER. BOTH ARE VERY PALE AND SCARED.

A VOICE CALLS TO THEM.

Hey! Has Nastya been feeding on you? Itís so saaaaaaddd!

Lena D:

Worse. She was driving.

Nastya:

Ha ha. Very fucking funny.

Jens:

Now you must proceed on horse . . .

Nastya:

Fuck you! Nobody talks about riding horses around me!

NASTYA HITS JENS OVER THE HEAD WITH A RACKET. HE REMAINS UNFAZED.

YOUNG DONALD LOOKS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE VOICE.

Donald:

Here is a great mysteryóa beautiful girl who sits alone on an island, cut off in a river of her own tears.

Lena D:

Thatís no mystery! Thatís Bepa! Hi Bepa, itís me, Lena D!

Bepa:

Oh! Itís so nice of you to come visit me! (more tears)

Lena D:

Iím on a quest with this young knight! Isnít he brave to go out on such a big quest without his mommy? I hardly go anywhere without Mommy Vera!

Bepa:

Oh, and thereís no way across except the Troll Bridge . . .

Nastya:

Is no problem. Come. We go.

Bepa:

Bye. Iím so sad to see you goooooo. . .

Nastya:

Hurry. Water is rising.

THE GROUP COMES TO A RICKETY BRIDGE WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS ďSTOP. PAY TROLL.Ē

AS THE PARTY STARTS TO CROSS, A HORRIBLE, FOUL CREATURE CRIES OUT IN A ODDLY LOW FEMININE VOICE.

Stop! Pay the troll.

NOISE OF SCRAMBLIN AND SNARLING FROM UNDER THE BRIDE AND THE CREATURE EMERGES.

Lena D:

Oh no! Itís Mary Carilltroll!

Mary:

Yes! And now you must pay a toll of $1 million or I will relentlessly criticize you! Take that, little miss canít serve! Youíd be a good player if you could just serve! But your serve is terrible.

Lena D:

Stop it! Stop it! I hate my serve! I want Mommy Vera!

LENA D. STARTS TO CRY

NASTYA PULLS OUT HER F.O. TROPHY.

How many of these did you win?

Mary:

What? Thatís not fair I . . . I . . .

NASTYA:

I have won 14.

Mary:

No, youíve only won one.

Nastya:

Thatís what I said. Also, I am a big fan of football.

Mary:

Yes. I see.

Nastya:

But I donít watch it. Itís boring. Now letís eat some sushi. Itís my favorite food.

Mary:

Sushi? What? Youíre trying to confuse me!

Nastya:

Look, do you want exclusive interview with me or not? I am hungry and want to visit McDonalds. I love hamburgers more than anything else.

Mary:

No! I canít keep your stories straight.

Nastya:

I think blondes are stupid and boring. Thatís Lena D. is my best friend. We donít talk much any more. We have a terrible rivalry and never see each other. Thatís why we hang out together all the time.

THE TROLL PUTS HER HANDS OVER HER EARS.

No! No! You keep contradicting yourself!

Nastya:

Masha is a fraud and I hate her. She could never play for Russia, although she is a great champion and Iíd be happy to have her on the Fed Grail team.

Mary:

Ahhh! The horse pictures . . .

Nastya:

I was not really naked in them. Even though I was naked, there were only women present on the set. Except for the photographer. I enjoyed posing, although I wish I had never done it.

I'm playing more doubles so I can concentrate on my singles. I hate traveling and love to see new places and meet new people. . .

THE CARILLTROLL IS SO CONFUSED IT STUMBLES OFF THE BRIDGE AND FALLS INTO THE RIVER.

Lena D:

Wait . . . Iím a blonde . . .

Nastya:

Yes. I love blondes. Sometimes I wish I was blonde.

YOUNG DONALD:

Well, if the tennis thing doesnít work out, she can always go into politics.

Lena D:

Look! The bridge leads right into Nadiaís lovely garden! She has a pet donkey who lives with her and is very cute. But the poor little donkey is lame. Itís so sad. Nadiaís boyfriend is so sweet to take care of the poor little donkey, donít you think? Mommy Vera says I can have a boyfriend when Iím 30.

YOUNG DONALD LOOKS AT NASTYA QUIZZICALY.

Nastya (whispers)

Somebody told her Nadiaís boyfriend had a nice ass and then Mommy Vera called poor Alonya a lame ass and well, welcome to blonde world. But here is where you can find your virgin trophy.

Donald:

Fair Lady, I must ask of you a great boon, that you give me that trophy which I see in your garden.

Nadia:

But itís my first trophy. My only WTA title . . .

Lena D:

Isnít your first time so special? I remember mine. I was so nervous I was shaking like a leaf. Oh, I was afraid! I just wanted to close my eyes and wait for it to end . . .

Nadia:

For me it was just the most wonderful feeling. Iíve never felt anything so. . . so. . . yummy! I never wanted it to end, and when it did, I wanted to do it again and again . . .

Donald:

Are they talking about tennis or . . .

Nasty:

Those two? Tennis for sure.

Donald:

But I must have a virgin trophy . . .

Nastya:

Did you get check?

Nadia:

Yes . . .

Nastya:

So who gives a fuck about the trophy? Let nice boy have it. You can get another one.

Nadia:

Oh, Nastya, do you really think I can win another tournament so soon?

Nastya:

No, I meant you could pay to buy a copy of your trophy. But I suppose your way might work, too.

Lena D:

How come when I win a tournament the check is always made out to Mommy Vera?

Donald:

I promise to return your cup if I can . . .

Nadia:

All right. If Lena D. is helping you on your quest, it must be very chaste and pure.

NASTYA ROLLS EYES.

Nadia:

But promise to bring it back. And to be my mixed doubles partner some day.

Donald:

Oh, thank you fair maiden!

Nastya:

And now you must ride. I will fly. I will never be seen on a horse again.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

SelesFan70
Jan 9th, 2006, 02:28 PM
:lol:

Corswandt
Jan 9th, 2006, 03:04 PM
Max d00d, that was quite possibly the most brilliant original material I have ever read on any message board. The highlights are too numerous to list.

Even if the jokes weren't so good, you've got Nastya down to a T.

TomTennis
Jan 9th, 2006, 03:28 PM
great. that must have taken you a while, would nice to see some other players apart from russains...lol.

only joking, its your story!

strawberry.babou
Jan 9th, 2006, 03:34 PM
Lena D:

Isnít your first time so special? I remember mine. I was so nervous I was shaking like a leaf. Oh, I was afraid! I just wanted to close my eyes and wait for it to end . . .

Nadia:

For me it was just the most wonderful feeling. Iíve never felt anything so. . . so. . . yummy! I never wanted it to end, and when it did, I wanted to do it again and again . . .

Donald:

Are they talking about tennis or . . .

Nasty:

Those two? Tennis for sure.

I'm loving this :D

Spirit
Jan 9th, 2006, 06:15 PM
::::brings Miffed some food::::

Brilliant. Love it.

Ryan
Jan 9th, 2006, 06:37 PM
:rotf: :lmfao: :creampants:


That shit is amazing. Keep writing it man. :worship:

ceiling_fan
Jan 10th, 2006, 02:52 AM
LOL i love the bit when Nastya is contradicting herself :haha:

so 4? 5? more episodes to go? keep writing :yeah:

strawberry.babou
Jan 10th, 2006, 03:18 PM
bump.

C'mon Max! :D

Nicjac
Jan 10th, 2006, 03:40 PM
So great. I am loving it. Keep going. Just do it. We give you two pair. Please Max!

No Name Face
Jan 10th, 2006, 03:47 PM
max you are a god :bowdown:

this is hilarious...you are BRILLIANT :haha: :haha:

random fan
Jan 10th, 2006, 04:48 PM
lol bump

Lady
Jan 10th, 2006, 04:55 PM
Hillarious as usual! Thanks!

miffedmax
Jan 10th, 2006, 10:36 PM
YOUNG DONALD AND LENA D. RIDE ON HORSEBACK. NASTYA FLIES WITH THEM AS A BAT. JENS RIDES A MULE, WHICH LENA INSISTS ON CHECKING EVERY 100 METERS OR SO TO MAKE SURE IS NOT LAME.

AS THEY RIDE, THEY SUDDENLY SEE A STRANGE AND MIRACULOUS CASTLE IN THE DISTANCE. THE WALLS ARE MADE OF ROCK CANDY. A GREAT BANNER WITH A GIANT SMILEY FACE FLIES FROM THE TALL CENTRAL TOWER, AND ALL THE MEN-AT-ARMS HAVE ROUND SMILEY FACE SHIELDS. THE GATES ARE MADE OF PEPPERMINT BARK, THE WINDOWS OF SPUN SUGAR. THE MOAT IS FILLED WITH ORANGEAID, AND DOLPHINS FROLIC HAPPILY IN THE FROTHY WAVES. BIRDS SING IN EVERY TREE. A GREAT SIGN SAYS ďAUTOGRAPHS AND INTERVIEWS GRANTED BETWEEN 12 A.M. AND 12 P.M.Ē

DONALD:

What is this place? It looks like the sweetest place on earth!

LENA D:

And the good lady who lives here is exceeded in her sweetness only by Mommy Vera!

NASTY ROLLS EYES. AGAIN.

DONALD:

But who lives here?

AT THAT VERY MOMENT, THE DRAWBRIDGE IS LOWERED ON ROPES OF RED LICORICE. KIM APPEARS IN RADIANT WHITE, A LITTLE RAINBOW OVER HER SHOULDER. BIRDS CIRCLE HER HEAD, CHIRPING MERRILY.

KIM:

Welcome, welcome. Iím so happy you have come. Is there anything you need? Stables for your horses? Food or drink? A last minute photo shoot for an obscure Albanian sports magazine with a circulation of 27? Because Iíll do it! I just love everyone. Except the false Sir Leyton. Him Iíd like to . . .

LENA D:

Hi, Kim. All we need is . . . well, I donít know what we need.

NASTYA:

I know what you need, but youíre not likely to get it here.

DONALD:

This place is so sweet and beautiful. Maybe this is where we get the pure water . . .

KIM:

Our water here is very pure and comes from our trickly well . . .

DONALD:

No, it has to come from a mountain peak.

KIM:

There are no mountains here. Would you like me to move some for you? Iíd be ever so happy to do it!

NASTYA:

Whatís in the black bottle?

KIM:

Oh, that? Itís nothing. Nothing youíd want anyway. Youíre all so sweet and good, even if you are a vampire.

NASTYA:

You order one rare hamburger and eat a little sushi and youíre branded for life. But that is neither here nor there. For I think I know what is in bottle.

KIM:

Really, itís just some medicine. It was either Kuzzy or Sesil who asked me if I could keep it for them . . .

NASTYA:

Itís your bitchiness, isnít it?

LENA D:

But Kim doesnít have a bitchy bone in her body . . .

KIM:

Oh, I could never keep lying. Nastya is right. This bottle contains the distilled essence of my bitchiness. You see, for many years my levels of bitchiness were almost undetectably low. So I had a great wizard distill all my bitchiness into a concentrate just before the U.S. Open. Now, when I need to be a little meaner and tougher, I drink some. Usually just in Week Two of a Grand Slam.

DONALD:

Oh fair maid, my I have but a few drops for my quest?

KIM;

What the heck? Iím quitting in a year anyway. Have all you want.

LENA D:

Hmmm. Distilling your bitchiness to win a Grand Slam . . .

NASTYA:

Just fix your fucking serve. And avoid me in the fucking draws.

KIM:

Oh, Lena. Itís not that you lack bitchiness. You just need to get in touch with your own inner bitchiness, instead of relying on Mommy Veraís . . .

LENA D STICKS FINGERS IN HER EARS

La la la la la I canít hear you say bad things about my mommy! La la la la

KIM:

And this is the damsel who achieved the Federation Grail?

NASTYA:

Second time around. There is only ONE first-Russian Grand Slam winner and Fed Grail hero. And itís me. Blondie is friend, but not really fit to carry my rackets.

DONALD:

And you put up with this all the time?

JENS (SHRUGGING SHOUDLERS)

Eh. Itís a living.

KIM POURS SOME OF HER DISTILLED BITCHINESS INTO ANOTHER BOTTLE AND HANDS IT TO DONALD.

KIM:

Good luck! I hope you have a wonderful quest! Come back any time!

THE QUESTORS RIDE OFF FROM KIMíS BEAUTIFUL CASTLE, LADEN WITH FOOD, WINE AND PRESENTS GIVEN TO THEM BY THE GENEROUS KIM.

THE NEXT CASTLE THEY COME TO IS GRIMLY PURPOSEFUL. NOT EVIL OR FOREBODING, BUT CLEARLY DEDICATED SOLELY TO MILITARY PURPOSES.

THEY APPROACH. A VOICE CALLS OUT

Who approaches the castle of Queen Justine?

DONALD:

We are on a great quest, which will affect of the WTA. Will you aid us?

PIERRE-YVES:

No. Now go away.

LENA D: (TO DONALD)

Let me handle this. I have all the tools I need to besiege any castle and take it as my trophy.

YELLS:

I command you to open the gates.

PIERRE YVES:

No.

LENA D LOOKS CONFUSED. THEN:

Okay, then, I command you to open the gates . . . in the name of Mommy Vera I command you to open the gates!

PIERRE YVES:

Piss off.

LENA D:

Then I shall smite down your door with my new Yonexģ sword!

LENA DRAWS HER SWORD AND ADVANCED TO THE FRONT GATE. SHE DRAWS BACK HER SWORD AS THOUGH TO STRIKE A MIGHTY BLOW AND DROPS IT ON HER FOOT. SHE PICKS IT UP, AND DROPS IT ON HER OTHER FOOT.

PIERRE YVES:

Good Lord! Not even my wife and mistress serves so badly! Justine, youíve got to see this!

JUSTINE ROLLS OUT IN A WHEELCHAIR, SWATHED HEAD-T0-TOE IN BANDAGES.

JUSTINE:

What? You called me from my sickbed just to see Elena of the Weak Hands double fault? Youíre an idiot.

PIERRE:

Yes, but Iím your idiot, arenít I?

JUSTINE:

Iíd have you gelded if it wouldnít be redundant. Whoís that also vertically challenged kid with you?

DONALD:

My name is Young Donald, and I am considered the best squire in the world, though in sooth there are those who criticize my lack of stature and hold that I will not be able to compete with larger knights in the ATP.

JUSTINE:

Hmmm. Murray, Jenkins, Montfilsóall are quite tall, arenít they?

DONALD:

Lady, it is so.

JUSTINE:

Then I shall aid you! For nothing gives me more satisfaction that cutting some great tree like that one down to size!

JUSTINE POINTS AT LENA D. WHO IS ROLLING AROUND ON THE GROUND CLUTCHING HER FEET IN PAIN.

DONALD:

Then youíll give me your Harry Potter glasses?

JUSTINE:

Sure. I hate those fuckers.

PIERRE

But my love, you know what it does for me when you dress up like a teenage boy . . .

JUSTINE:

Shut up! You think I want the entire WTA to know about our private business?

PIERRE:

Iím sorry.

JUSTINE:

I know that. Just fetch my glasses from the nightstand and give them to that nice young man.

PIERRE:

Yes dear. But youíre keeping the Speed Racer helmet arenít you?

JUSTINE (FLIRTATIOUSLY):

Of course, silly. And the great, big . . .

NASTYA:

Hey! Watch it! Youíll make Mommyís Girlís head explode if you keep talking that way.

JUSTINE:

Oh yeah. By the way, how is Nadiaís sweet-assed boyfriend? Are they still an item?

LENA D:

We visited with Nadia, but I didnít see her boyfriend or his pet donkey. I would like a pet donkey to keep poor Patrick company while I am away from my tower.

JUSTINE TOSSES THE GLASSES TO DONALD.

Now, allez, allez on your quest!

DONALD:

Thank you!

strawberry.babou
Jan 10th, 2006, 10:45 PM
KIM:

Oh, Lena. Itís not that you lack bitchiness. You just need to get in touch with your own inner bitchiness, instead of relying on Mommy Veraís . . .

LENA D STICKS FINGERS IN HER EARS

La la la la la I canít hear you say bad things about my mommy! La la la la
:haha: This is wonderful!

ceiling_fan
Jan 10th, 2006, 10:59 PM
NASTYA:

Second time around. There is only ONE first-Russian Grand Slam winner and Fed Grail hero. And itís me. Blondie is friend, but not really fit to carry my rackets.

LENA D LOOKS CONFUSED. THEN:

Okay, then, I command you to open the gates . . . in the name of Mommy Vera I command you to open the gates!
PIERRE YVES:

PIERRE

But my love, you know what it does for me when you dress up like a teenage boy . . .



too many good jokes to quote, but those r the faves!! and the part where lena covers her ears...

i have to spread some rep before giving it to u :bowdown: but please finish it ASAP!!

xan
Jan 11th, 2006, 12:19 AM
Ah! So this is where miffed has been hiding!

Really Excellent!

Nicjac
Jan 11th, 2006, 07:13 AM
:rolls: :bigclap:


So, what is still missing? A ruby from a royal crown, a leather choker and some pure snow from the highest peak ...

Spirit
Jan 11th, 2006, 02:26 PM
And while reading that, I kept seeing in my mind....

Justine: "Of course! Why do you think I have this outrageous French accent?"


Thanks miffedmax.

miffedmax
Jan 11th, 2006, 03:44 PM
DONALD, NASTYA, JENS AND LENA CONTINUE THEIR JOURNEY. AT LAST THEY COME TO A DENSE, DARK WOOD. TREES AND BRUSH ARE SO THICK THAT LIGHT DOES NOT PENETRATE. ONLY A NARROW TRAIL CUTS THROUGH THE DENSE GROWTH. TAKING A DEEP BREATH, THE GROUP RIDES INTO THE DARKNESS.

AFTER A WHILE, THEY COME TO A STOP. AHEAD STANDS A GROUP OF ARMORED WOMENóNICOLE, SANIA, SESIL, ANA, DINARA, ALEX AND MASHA JR.

NICOLE:

Hey, look itís Mommy Vera!

LENA D:

Silly, I am not Mommy Vera . . .

SESIL:

Oh, our mistake. Itís just you look so DAMN OLD.

SANIA:

Yes. It is high time you old ladies stood aside and let us young guns take over.

ANA:

Whoís the cute boy?

ALEX:

Itís Donald. Some say he will prove himself the most worthy knight in the ATP. If he grows taller. Like us. We sure are a bunch of tall-assed girls arenít we?

DINARA:

Yes, the two glory hogs who act like I wasnít even on the damn Fed Grail team.

MASHA JR.

All I know is Queen Masha told me to come here.

NICOLE:

You make me so mad! Iím going to lose my temper.

NASTYA:

You? Lose your temper? Youíre a fucking amateur. I was throwing on-court hissy fits while you were still trying to figure which Teletubby was your favorite.

NICOLE:

ďOhhhh, now youíve asked for it! Volley fire, on my command!

THE GIRLS ALL PRODUCE RACKETS AND TENNIS BALLS. THE BALLS ARE COVERED IN IRON SPIKES.

LENA D:

Mommy . . .

NASTYA:

Pfffft. Do your worst.

NICOLE:

Ready! Aim! And hit your balls into the crowd!

THE DEADLY BALLS HURTLE TOWARD THE QUESTING PARTY. LENA SCREAMS AND DUCKS, DONALD THROWS UP THE PIZZA SHIELD. NASTYA JUST GRINS AN EVIL GRIN AS JENS, MOVING LIKE A CHARACTER FROM CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON OR KUNG FU HUSTLE, SNATCHES ALL THE BALLS FROM THE AIR BEFORE THEY CAN HIT ANYONE.

SESIL:

Impossible! No one an avoid our ass-kicking skills!

THE GIRLS FIRE ANOTHER VOLLEY. THIS TIME JENS SIMPLY LETS ALL THE BALLS HIT HIM. THEY FALL OFF HARMLESSLY.

NASTYA STEPS FORWARD.

Call that a tantrum?

NASTYA PULLS OUT HER ON RACKET AND BOUNCES IT OFF THE GROUND LIKE A BALL. THEN SHE PULLS BACK HER ARMS AND YELLS:

Fuuuuuucccccckkkkkkk!!!!!

NASTYA BOUNCES THE RACKET, HARD. IT FLIES OF THE GROUND AND, SPINNING THROUGH THE AIR KNOCKS EVERY RACKET OUT OF EVERY ONE OF THE GIRLíS HANDS BEFORE RETURN TO NASTY LIKE A BOOMERANG.

NASTYA:

Now THAT is a tantrum. Stand aside.

ALEX:

Woe, we are defeated in battle. We must let them pass.

SANIA:

Yes, those are the rules.

SESIL:

Fuck the rules. Rules are for losers.

MASHA JR.

Sesil, not again . . .

SESIL:

Okay, okay. No more scandals.

THE YOUNG GUNS ALL STAND ASIDE. AS THEY RIDE BY, ELENA TALKS TO NASTYA.

LENA D:

That was amazing! How did Jens do that?

NASTYA:

Over the years of coaching me, Jens has developed a superhuman ability to absorb abuse. It comes in handy sometimes.

JENS:

Yes, my lady.

DONALD:

Some of those were pretty cute. Could I get a phone number?

LENA D:

Donít be silly. Getting phone numbers from girls leads to dating, and before you know it you wonít be chaste and pure any more. Whatís the fun in that?

ALL LOOK AT LENA LIKE SHEíS LOST HER MIND. SHE REMAINS OBLIVIOUS AS THEY RIDE TO THEIR NEXT ENCOUNTER.

Nicjac
Jan 11th, 2006, 05:02 PM
NICOLE:

You make me so mad! Iím going to lose my temper.

NASTYA:

You? Lose your temper? Youíre a fucking amateur. I was throwing on-court hissy fits while you were still trying to figure which Teletubby was your favorite.



:rolls:

-VSR-
Jan 11th, 2006, 05:33 PM
:haha:

iced gem
Jan 11th, 2006, 06:03 PM
:haha: It's great!! Miffedmax :worship:
Keep it coming!

bellascarlett
Jan 11th, 2006, 07:11 PM
LENA D:

Hmmm. Distilling your bitchiness to win a Grand Slam . . .

NASTYA:

Just fix your fucking serve. And avoid me in the fucking draws.

KIM:

Oh, Lena. Itís not that you lack bitchiness. You just need to get in touch with your own inner bitchiness, instead of relying on Mommy Veraís . . .

LENA D STICKS FINGERS IN HER EARS

La la la la la I canít hear you say bad things about my mommy! La la la la






:haha: :haha: :haha:

Omg I dont know why it took me this long to open this thread. I think I was kinda put off by King Arthur in the title haha. Had no idea there are some great WTA "fanfic" stories in here (dunno what to call them)...GREAT JOB! Just love them! Keep them coming! :worship: :yeah:

Alenyaa
Jan 11th, 2006, 07:30 PM
Max, if a genius is ever to be honored again, it should be you! :lol: :worship:
Wonder whether there's a Nobel prize for great fanfiction... ^^

MissJessou
Jan 11th, 2006, 07:33 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

So funny..

strawberry.babou
Jan 11th, 2006, 10:42 PM
LENA D:

Donít be silly. Getting phone numbers from girls leads to dating, and before you know it you wonít be chaste and pure any more. Whatís the fun in that?
fandom!Lena is lovely!

I love this so much! :haha: :haha:

RayRob
Jan 11th, 2006, 11:27 PM
Too many great quote in these! One I was laughing histerically is the introductory discription of Kim - so hillerious! Then of course the temper tantrum stand off between Anastaia and Nicole.

Also, love the very first introduction at the start of the thread - top class :yeah: I'd give you all ten rep points of the day if the system would allow me! :D

-Rache

Justeenium
Jan 11th, 2006, 11:53 PM
I give this thread a four out of five.


four :retard: :retard: :retard: :retard:

Ryan
Jan 12th, 2006, 12:25 AM
I give this thread a four out of five.


four :retard: :retard: :retard: :retard:


You just dont like his portrayal of Juju. :p

miffedmax
Jan 12th, 2006, 11:32 PM
THEY RIDE AND COME TO A ROAD SIGN. THE ORIGINAL NAME OF THE CITY HAS BEEN RUBBED OUT AND ďMASHAVILLEĒ WRITTEN OVER IT IN CHALK SO THE SIGN READS ďMASHAVILLE : 4 LEAGUES.Ē NASTYA (AS A BAT) LANDS ON JENSí SHOULDER.

NASTYA:

Okay, this is as far as I go.

LENA D:

But I thought you no longer hated Masha.

NASTYA:

Thatís true. Iím just bored now. So Iím leaving.

LENA D:

Oh, please donít leave us!

DONALD:

Fear not, fair Elena for I see another rider fast approaching.

SURE ENOUGH, SERENA COMES RIDING AT A GALLOP, THEN REIGNS IN HER HORSE.

SERENA:

Why Countess Nastya, Lady Elena of the Weak Hands, why do you ride with Young Donald on behalf of my sister?

LENA D:

You mean weíre doing this all for Serena?

DONALD

Did I forget to mention that? Gee, Iím sorry . . .

NASTYA:

I knew. I just didnít give a fuck. Logical thing, of course, would be to NOT help Serena. So of course it never crossed my mind. Logic is like poison to me. Anyway, itís all fucking Jenís fault. Iím still leaving. I am bored. And weíre out of donuts and sushi.

VENUS:

Look, if you want to go back home to Muscovy, Iíd understand.

LENA D:

No, no. Mommy Vera didnít raise me to be a quitter. I donít like to give up.

VENUS:

Hmmmmmm. Yeah, maybe you should come with me to talk to the usurper. At least you speak her language.

THEY RIDE ON AS NASTYA AND JENS RIDE BACK TOWARD MUSCOVY. AFTER AWHILE, LENA, VENUS AND DONALD COME TO A GREAT CITY. HUGE POSTERS OF MASHA ARE EVERYWHERE. THE STREETS ARE FILLED WITH THRONGS OF PEOPLE DRESSED UP LIKE MASHA. ON EVERY STREET CORNER, MINSTRELS SING SONGS ABOUT MASHA.

VENUS:

I am going to throw up.

LENA D:

Iím going to get a new agent.

DONALD:

I gotta win me a Grand Slam.

IN THE CENTER OF TOWN THE COME TO A BEAUTIFUL PALACE MADE OF MARBLE AND IVORY. GOLD ONION DOMES RISE ABOVE THE TOWERS. A SIGN READS: ďENDORSEMENTS SIGNED BY APPOINTMENT ONLY. NO OTHER VISITORS ALLOWED.Ē

A RED-FACED SESIL APPEARS. SHE HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN CRYING.

LENA D:

How did you get here so fast from the Dark Forest?

SESIL:

Hey, I needed a fuckiní job. And I must say Iíve made a THUNDEROUS return to Queen Mashaís service.

VENUS:

Yeah, well, step aside.

SESIL:

Forget it. Her nibs said no visitors and she means it.

LENA D:

I think you will let us by.

SESIL.

What Iíll do is kick your ass . . .

LENA D:

If you donít let us by, I will lecture you on how you would never have had anything bad happen to you if you had only listened to MOMMY VERA.

SESIL:

No . . . no . . .

LENA D:

MOMMY VERA says ďDonít take drugs.Ē Mommy Vera says ďDonít associate with naughty boys who try to hold your hand.Ē Mommy Vera says that nice girls donít . . . you know.

SESIL:

Fuck you!

LENA D:

Mommy Vera says not to use bad words. Mommy Vera says that if you eat your vegetables you wonít need any banned substances. Mommy Vera says to eat lots of wheat germ and yogurt if you want to be a champion.

SESIL:

Oh, God, itís like Godzilla meets Martha Stewart or something!

LENA D:

Mommy Vera says no between meal snacks . . .

SESIL:

All right! All right! Go on it! I canít take it any more.

LENA D:

Thank you. Mommy Vera says to always say that, too . . .

SESIL:

Auuuuuuuuugh! Two years without you and your mother?! Iím going to beg for a four year suspension!

SESIL STEPS ASIDE. VENUS, LENA D. AND DONALD ALL ENTER A GREAT THRONE ROOM. MASHA LIES ON A SILK COVERED DIVAN. NICK BOLLITERI, CLAD ONLY IN A LOIN CLOTH, FANS HER WITH A HANDFUL OF ENDORSEMENT CONTRACTS. A HUGE CROWN IS ON HER HEAD. SHE IS READING BOOKóďINTRODUCTORY RUSSIAN.Ē A MAP OF RUSSIA COVERS THE WALL.

MASHA;

That is a big-assed country, that Russia. Yet someday, we will rule it all. . . . hey, how did you knaves get by my ass-kicking guard.

LENA D:

I just did what Mommy Vera says . . .

MASHA:

Oh, now thereís a surprise . . .

LENA D:

And used my head. So there.

VENUS:

What a lovely crown. So many diamonds. So many emeralds. So manyóahemórubies . . .

MASHA:

Yes. Our crown is almost as lovely as we are, and a great deal less expensive.

VENUS:

So surely you can contribute one . . .

MASHA:

To your sister, our great rival? We think not. We must needs win another Slam to send our endorsement value soaring ever higher.

VENUS:

But wonít you do even better if you and Ďrena are fighting it out for titles?

MASHA:

Frankly, we are so adorable we donít think it matters whom we beat for a title. Even beating on little Miss ďI couldnít even see the ballĒ over there sends our stock soaring ever higher.

VENUS:

Oh, come on. A small one.

MASHA:

No.

LENA D:

Iíll get you on the Federation Grail team.

MASHA:

Ha! You? They practically beg us!

LENA D:

Yes, but Mommy Vera says I am great national heroine right now. I say the right things . . .

MASHA

One of the small ones? Weíl make it up with the first paragraph of the first endorsement contract we sign in Russia if we are on the Fed Grail team.

All right.

MASHA PRIES A SMALL RUBY FROM HER CROWN AND TOSSES IT TO VENUS.

Now, DozóDassóVidona, uh, vadonítya . . .

LENA, DONALD AND VENUS LEAVE AS MASHA STUMBLES OVER THE PRONUNCIAITON.

Spirit
Jan 13th, 2006, 01:31 PM
LENA D:

You mean weíre doing this all for Serena?

DONALD

Did I forget to mention that? Gee, Iím sorry . . .

NASTYA:

I knew. I just didnít give a fuck.




VENUS:

I am going to throw up.

LENA D:

Iím going to get a new agent.

DONALD:

I gotta win me a Grand Slam.




SESIL:

Oh, God, itís like Godzilla meets Martha Stewart or something!

Auuuuuuuuugh! Two years without you and your mother?! Iím going to beg for a four year suspension!

This is just pure brilliance. Pure....fucking...brilliance.

:worship: :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship:

strawberry.babou
Jan 13th, 2006, 02:24 PM
LENA D:

If you donít let us by, I will lecture you on how you would never have had anything bad happen to you if you had only listened to MOMMY VERA.

SESIL:

No . . . no . . .

LENA D:

MOMMY VERA says ďDonít take drugs.Ē Mommy Vera says ďDonít associate with naughty boys who try to hold your hand.Ē Mommy Vera says that nice girls donít . . . you know.

SESIL:

Fuck you!

LENA D:

Mommy Vera says not to use bad words. Mommy Vera says that if you eat your vegetables you wonít need any banned substances. Mommy Vera says to eat lots of wheat germ and yogurt if you want to be a champion.

SESIL:

Oh, God, itís like Godzilla meets Martha Stewart or something!
:haha: This is too good.

miffedmax
Jan 13th, 2006, 08:12 PM
(WARNING: THIS EPISODE CONTAINS SUCH BLATANT LENA D. FANATACISM THAT EVEN I AM AMAZED. HONESTLY, IF YOU DONíT LIKE LENA D. READING THIS PART COULD BE UNHEALTHY, PERHAPS EVEN FATAL. EVEN LENA D. FANS MAY FIND IT A BIT LIKE TRYING TO EAT A FOUR POUND BOX OF GODIVA CHOCOLATES IN A SINGLE SITTING AND WASHING IT DOWN WITH 2 LITRES OF COKE.

IN OTHER WORDS, IT IS A 100% ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF THE GOLDEN GODDESS. READ ON, BUT ONLY IF STRONG OF HEART AND STOMACH. UNLESS YOUíRE A PIERCE FAN, IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SKIP IT. )



VENUS, DONALD AND LENA RIDE UNTIL THEY COME TO A LARGE CASTLE. A SIGN OUTSIDE ANNOUNCES IT AS THE BASTILLE. SOMEONE HAS ADDED A HAND-WRITTEN SIGN THAT SAYS ďNO RUSSIANS ALLOWED. AMERICANS MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY A NONBRITISH EUROPEAN.Ē

ELENA:

Thatís just mean.

VENUS:

But I have noticed a loophole big enough to fit SerenaóI mean a semióthrough.

ELENA:

What?

VENUS:

Well, are you British?

ELENA:

Of course not! Britain is tiny little country that would fit a suburb of Moscow!

VENUS:

Then accompany us.

ELENA:

Ohhh. Yeah.

THEY RIDE THROUGH THE GATES OF THE BASTILLE. HERE THEY SEE AN OLD WOMAN LYING ON A PALLET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COURTYARD, SURROUNDED BY WTA TRAINERS.

TRAINER #1:

Itís no good. She is, Ďow do you say, le goner.Ē

TRAINER #2:

Itís so sad. She was only 107.

MARY:

Oh, wait. Iím not injured after all! I feel great.

LENA:

Oooooh, that bitch! I hate it when she does that!

VENUS:

You know, you might consider seeing a sports psychologist, see why that messing with your head works . . .

LENA:

I donít need a psychologist or a coach! I have Mommy Vera!!

VENUS:

Riiiiiight. The woman who makes my dad look like freakiní Solomon.

MARY:

What? Eh? Itís my dad whoís the freakiní Sodom . . .

LENA:

Hello, Mary.

MARY:

WHAT?

LENA:

HELLO MARY!

MARY FUMBLES FOR GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON.

MARY:

Canít you read, girl? The sign says ďNo Americans unless accompanied . . .Ē

LENA D:

Iím not American.

MARY:

WHAT?

LENA D:

IíM NOT AMERICAN.

MARY:

Yes you are. Youíre that tall blonde chick from Florida. Won Wimbledon . . .

AT THIS POINT LENA HAS LEAPT OFF HER HORSE AND CRASHED INTO MARY , HER HANDS AROUND THE FRENCH GIRLíS THROAT.

LENA:

Youíre going to need a lot more than just a trainer when Iím done with you, you old hag!

MARY:

What? You want me to put some drains in a bag?

AMELIE EMERGES FROM ONE OF THE TOWERS AROUND THE COURTYARD. SHE IS WEARING AN ORNATE CHOKER.

AMELIE:

Sacre bleu! What iz going on here?

SERENA:

Iím not sure, but Iím laughing my ass off.

LENA:

Iím killing this old hag!

AMELIE:

Please, none of you should be here. And no more strangling the Gran Dame of French tennis.

MARY HAS MANAGED TO CRAWL OUT FROM THE NOW DISTRACTED ELENA.

MARY:

Ha! Youíve fallen into my trap! And now the Holy Fed Grail will be ours!

AMELIE ATTEMPTS EVIL LAUGH, BUT FAILS.

MARY RAISES A WHISTLE TO HER LIPS AND BLOWS A WHISTLE, WHICH SUMMONS FORTH A HORDE OF DROOLING, SLACKJAWED, HYGENICALLY CHALLENGED, MOUTHBREATHING, PINHEADED, BILE-BREATHED MUTANTS FROM THE BLACKEST WATERS OF THE SEINE. THEY ARE, OF COURSE, THE FOUL AND LOATHSOME DEMENTIAHATERS. INCAPABLE OF INDEPENDENT THOUGHT, THEY SPEAK IN A GROSS AND FOUL CHORUS.

DEMENTIAHATERS:

Hey, look. Itís Demented! She serves like a girl!

LENA D:

But I AM a girl.

THE DEMENTIAHATERS, MOST OF WHOM HAVE NO REAL IDEA OF WHAT A GIRL OR WOMAN IS (INCLUDING THE GIRLS AND WOMEN AMONG THEM) ARE THROWN INTO CONFUSION, AND RUSH TO AND FRO. SOME OF THEM PULL OFF THEIR OWN HEADS IN THEIR CONFUSION.

MARY:

Seize her, you idiots!

DEMENTIAHATERS:

Yes, we are idiots!

MARY:

Just grab her!

DONALD TRIES TO GET BETWEEN THE HATERS AND LENA D, BUT ITíS TOO LATE. TOO LATE, VEE NOTICES ANOTHER GROUP, ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS LOATHSOME BUT MORE NUMEROUS THAN THE FIRST.

MARY:

And here come the Williams Haters!

SERENA, LENA D. AND DONALD ARE ALL SEIZED BY THE VARIOUS HATERS AND DRAGGED OFF INTO THE DUNGEONS OF THE BASTILLE.

MARY:

Ha ha! Weíll burn them in a fortnight!

TWO WEEKS LATER, THE COURTYARD OF THE BASTILLE. THREE BONFIRES HAVE BEEN PREPARED, WITH GIANT STAKES IN THE CENTER OF EACH BONFIRE. MARY AND AMELIE WATCH FROM A BALCONY.

THE HATERS DRAG THREE HOODED FIGURES FROM THE CELLS OF THE BASTILE AND LEAD EACH OF THEM TO A STAKE, AND TIE THEM TO IT.

MARY;

Do the condemned wish to speak?

VENUS:

Doubtless, the Royal Court is waiting to effect a miraculous rescue.

MARY:

Not likely. Theyíre all sewing curtains for your royal castle.

DONALD:

My bandwagon will be rolling through . . .

MARY:

It did!

HATERS BRING IN THE MEMBERS OF DONALDíS BANDWAGON, IMPALED ON PIKES.

LENA D:

My fans wonít let me down. Theyíre so loyal, and good . . .

MARY:

Your idiot fans sailed from England with their Captain a month ago . . .

LENA:

Then they shall be here any moment!

MARY:

. . . via Hong Kong

LENA:

Then they are as bad at reading maps as they are reading draws . . . and I am doomed. I should have never left Mommy Vera and my tower.

HATERS WITH BURNING BRANDS STEP UP. THE FIRST PULLS BACK VENUSíS HOOD. EVEN AFTER A FORTNIGHT IN THE DUNGEONS SHE LOOKS STRONG AND NOBLE AS SHE MEETS HER HORRIBLE FATE.

THE SECOND PULLS BACK DONALDS HOOD. HE, TOO, LOOKS DIGNIFIED IN THE FACE OF DEATH.

>>>>>>>>> WARNING
>>>>>>>>>>WARNING
>>>>>>>>>> BLATANT LENA D-ISM FOLLOWS

THE LAST PULLS BACK LENA DíS HOOD. OVERHEAD, THE CLOUDS PART AS THE SUN BREAKS THROUGH TO FEAST IT EYES ON HER DIVINELY GORGEOUS VISAGE. THE LIGHT REFLECTS OFF HER PERFECT ALABASTER SKIN AND GOLDEN HAIR, AND RIPPLES ACROSS THE CROWD SO THAT EVEN THE MOST HIDEOUS OF THEM BECOME, IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT, BEAUTIFUL IN REFLECTION OF LENA DíS IMMACULATE GLORY AND PHYSICAL PERFECTION. ALL THE HATERS FALL TO THEIR KNEES AS IN SUPPLICATION, FOR DURING THE FORTNIGHT IN THE DUNGEON . . .


(OKAY, ANY GUESSES?)



(CíMON, MY FELLOW LENA D. FANS KNOW WHATíS HAPPENED)



(I GAVE YOU A HINT ALREADY)


(AND NO, I DONíT GIVE A RATíS ASS WHAT THE POLL SAID)

(NO, ITíS NOT HER NOSE, THOUGH THATíS PART OF IT)


(IF YOU HAVENíT GUESSED BY NOW, YOU HAVENíT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION)

(HEREíS THE BIG REVEAL)

DURING THE FORTNIGHT IN THE DUNGEON, LENAíS BANGS HAVE GROWN BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MARY:

Aaaaaccccckkkk! Kill the bitch!

DEMENTIAHATERS:

Ahhh, but sheís so cute! What man* (which applies to Dementiahaters of both genders, as explained above) can resist her with those adorable bangs!

MARY:

Amelie! Do something!

AMELIE:

Yummmmmmm . . . baaaaaaaaaangs!

MARY:

Oh! Gross! Didnít need that!

AMELIE:

Gah . . . :drool: urk . . . bangs . . .

LENA:

Amelie, can I have your lovely choker?

AMELIE:

Take my choker! Take my lands! Take my castle! Take me!

LENA:

No, really, I only need the choker . . .

AMELIE THROWS IT TO LENA.

LENA:

Come on, letís flee this place.

DONALD:

Gah. . . urk . . . :drool: bangs . . .

VENUS:

Well, I can carry him through the gates, then youíd better cover up those bangs . . .

TO BE CONTINUED

Spirit
Jan 13th, 2006, 09:18 PM
Bang -- we're all dead.

Love it.

Sam L
Jan 13th, 2006, 10:21 PM
This is great! :clap2: :lol:

Archer
Jan 13th, 2006, 10:34 PM
WOW!!!

Sheer, absolute brilliance!!!

Gawd, if this could only be an (illustrated :p) book...

or better still, film it!!

Thanks Max, for the loads of laughs, and brilliant imagery!!

PS: You're getting your Vee's and Ree's mixed up, aren't you?? ;)

RayRob
Jan 13th, 2006, 11:00 PM
:lol: still going great! though I must add that rather embarrassingly, I had to google a defination of "bangs" because in the UK I think we call it a "fringe" or something like that. ;)

Keep the laughs rolling :bounce:

-Rache

Spirit
Jan 16th, 2006, 01:39 PM
Do you know where I found this thread? Page fucking 13.

Bumperoonie.

miffedmax
Jan 16th, 2006, 02:17 PM
Thanks for the bump. Unfortunately, the stunning incompetence of my #1 and #3 favorite players yesterday has me in a foul mood so I don't feel like writing any more.

I'll cheer up and get back to it. Maybe Nasty (#2 on my hit parade) or ED doubles will get me back on it. But I'll finish it at some point soon.

Alenyaa
Jan 16th, 2006, 08:59 PM
Well Max, I honestly have to say that your latest creation was the best I've ever read from all the stories I've read so far onthis board. You truely are a genius! :worship:

miffedmax
Jan 17th, 2006, 07:04 PM
VENUS AND LENA D ARE RIDING TOGETHER. LENA D. IS WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY. VENUS IS VISIBLY PISSED.

LENA D:

Ohhhhhhhh. Mommy Vera is going to ground me until Roland Garros. Iím never going to win a Grand Slam. Ohhhhhhhh. I hate my serve. And I really, really hate that fucking shower curtain Yonexģ calls a top.

Oh no! I said the f-bomb! Now Mommy Vera wonít let me hang out with Nastya! She says Nastyaís a bad influence.

VENUS:

You want to complain? How do you think I feel? Outperformed by my little sister again! Know why Iím so skinny? Ďcause Serena always beat me to the dinner table and ate everything! You should have been at our last McDonaldís commercial shoot. Serena ate the food stylistís burgers before the shot was even done. Then she ate the food stylist!

DONALD:

But My Lady Elena, My Queen Venus, perhaps it is just as well, for your early departures from Australia have allowed us to continue our quest. . .

VENUS:

Hey, Donald?

LENA:

Fuck you. Oh no! I said it again! Maybe Mommy Vera is right! Maybe Nastya is a bad influence.

VENUS:

Uh, how is Mommy Vera going to know youíre dropping f-bombs if you donít tell her?

LENA (INCREDULOUSLY):

Keep a secret from Mommy Vera? But if I kept secrets from Mommy Vera, Iíd have to tell her I was keeping secrets and then Iíd be in biiiiiiiiig trouble . . .

DONALD:

Behold! Yonder is a great mountain!

VENUS:

New Orleans?

LENA:

No, I think itís the Matterhorn . . .

DONALD:

Then we must seek pure water from this peak . . .

SUDDENLY, A GIANT MUG OF HOT COCOA FLIES OVERHEAD, SPILLING ITS SCALDING CONTENTS AND FORCING OUR QUESTORS TO SEEK COVER.

VENUS:

Itís that no-account Empress of Switzerland, I just know it is . . .

MARTINA HINGIS STEPS FROM BEHIND AN OUTCROPPING OF ROCK

MARTINA:

ďCower before the greatest athlete in the history of Switzerland!Ē

VENUS:

Roger . . .

(LENA D INTERRUPTS)

Oh, oh, I know this one! Roger Bocquet!

VENUS:

. . . Federer is here?

MARTINA:

Ha ha ha. I was talking about me, you illiterate boor.

SUDDENLY, THE WILD WOMAN OF THE FOREST, CLAD IN TENNIS TOGS OF RAW LEATHER, VINES AND OAK LEAVES LEAPS FROM A TREE BRANDISIHING A GREAT DAGGER)

PATTY:

Screw you! You let that blonde mommaís girl over there pound you into retirement years ago! Iím the #1 Swiss Miss now!

LENA:

Itís true, I can take down any #1 or former #1 provided the match is inconsequential enough . . .

MARTINA:

Ha! Youíre a psychopath! I think you might even really be Austrian or something. No, Iím going to reclaim the #1, force Roger Federer to marry me, join the Trilateral Commission and bring the entire world under Swiss domination! Weíve been planning it for centuries, and you all fell for that pitiful ďOh, please donít invade us, weíre neutral, We love everybodyĒ crap for all this time.

PATTY:

Not me! I love killing!

VENUS:

You know whatís scary? She only the second biggest headcase on the tour.

LENA:

Really? Whoís #1?

VENUS:

Well, letís just say she lost in the first round at the AO, and her initials arenít VW.

LENA:

So Amy Frazier . . . is a headcase . . . because she drives a Volkswagen! I canít believe I figured it out with only two hints! Mommy Vera would be so proud! Mommy Vera says Iím the smartest girl on the tour of all blondes between 5í11Ē and 6í0Ē whoís last name ends in ďeva.Ē

PATTY:

God, itís driving me crazy! Which one of you should I kill first?

SUDDENLY, THE SOUND OF TRUMPETS ECHOES ACROSS THE MOUNTAINS. A GREAT CHARIOT PULLED BY LIONS DESCENDS FROM THE SKY. A BLINDING LIGHT FORCES ALL THE LADIES TO COVER THEIR EYES AS THE CHARIOT ROLLS TO A STOP. A SHORTISH, BALD GUY EMERGES FROM THE CHARIOT.

MAN:

King Roger has sent me to resolve this, Ďow do you say, dispute.Ē

MARTINA:

Who are you?

MAN:

Why me? I am Zinedane Zidane. I am here at my pal Rogerís request, and because the writer of this thread is desperate for a solution to this part of the story and he loves football.

VENUS:

Then why didnít he pick Kasey Keller?

ZINEDANE:

I donít know. But I have here for you some water from the pure snow of the Materhorn. As for you two, the wild woman and the former empress will have to settle your quarrel on ze tour zis year.

ELENA:

What cute little donkeys you have pulling your chariot! Are any of them lame?

ZINEDANE:

Roger also says to tell you all he is very fond of Mirka, so just forget aboud it. Okay?

ZINEDANE RETURNS TO HIS CHARIOT, WHICH IS SOON SHOOTING ACROSS THE SKY.

PATTY:

Zinedarn Zimbalist. Wonder how you cook it.

VENUS:

This isnít over, not by a long shot.

MARTINA:

You know it.

ELENA:

Know what? I know something else? I might even be smarter than Mommy Vera thinks!

THEY RIDE OFF. TBC.

iced gem
Jan 17th, 2006, 07:19 PM
VENUS AND LENA D ARE RIDING TOGETHER. LENA D. IS WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY. VENUS IS VISIBLY PISSED.

LENA D:

Ohhhhhhhh. Mommy Vera is going to ground me until Roland Garros. Iím never going to win a Grand Slam. Ohhhhhhhh. I hate my serve. And I really, really hate that fucking shower curtain Yonexģ calls a top.

Oh no! I said the f-bomb! Now Mommy Vera wonít let me hang out with Nastya! She says Nastyaís a bad influence.

VENUS:

You want to complain? How do you think I feel? Outperformed by my little sister again! Know why Iím so skinny? Ďcause Serena always beat me to the dinner table and ate everything! You should have been at our last McDonaldís commercial shoot. Serena ate the food stylistís burgers before the shot was even done. Then she ate the food stylist! .

:lol:I really hope that Nastya's influence does rub off on Lena!

You know whatís scary? She only the second biggest headcase on the tour.

LENA:

Really? Whoís #1?

VENUS:

Well, letís just say she lost in the first round at the AO, and her initials arenít VW.

LENA:

So Amy Frazier . . . is a headcase . . . because she drives a Volkswagen! I canít believe I figured it out with only two hints! Mommy Vera would be so proud! Mommy Vera says Iím the smartest girl on the tour of all blondes between 5í11Ē and 6í0Ē whoís last name ends in ďeva.Ē

.

:haha: :haha: :worship: It's all great!

strawberry.babou
Jan 17th, 2006, 07:28 PM
LENA:

So Amy Frazier . . . is a headcase . . . because she drives a Volkswagen! I canít believe I figured it out with only two hints! Mommy Vera would be so proud! Mommy Vera says Iím the smartest girl on the tour of all blondes between 5í11Ē and 6í0Ē whoís last name ends in ďeva.Ē
:haha: :haha:

And I love Nastya's influence on Lena. :P

random fan
Jan 17th, 2006, 07:48 PM
lol

Corswandt
Jan 18th, 2006, 04:15 PM
MARTINA: Iím going to [...]force Roger Federer to marry me

:scared:

----

Keep it up. It's excellent.

Nicjac
Jan 18th, 2006, 05:06 PM
DONALD:

Behold! Yonder is a great mountain!

VENUS:

New Orleans?

LENA:

No, I think itís the Matterhorn . . .

DONALD:

Then we must seek pure water from this peak . . .

SUDDENLY, A GIANT MUG OF HOT COCOA FLIES OVERHEAD, SPILLING ITS SCALDING CONTENTS AND FORCING OUR QUESTORS TO SEEK COVER.

VENUS:

Itís that no-account Empress of Switzerland, I just know it is . . .

MARTINA HINGIS STEPS FROM BEHIND AN OUTCROPPING OF ROCK

MARTINA:

ďCower before the greatest athlete in the history of Switzerland!Ē

VENUS:

Roger . . .

(LENA D INTERRUPTS)

Oh, oh, I know this one! Roger Bocquet!

VENUS:

. . . Federer is here?

MARTINA:

Ha ha ha. I was talking about me, you illiterate boor.

SUDDENLY, THE WILD WOMAN OF THE FOREST, CLAD IN TENNIS TOGS OF RAW LEATHER, VINES AND OAK LEAVES LEAPS FROM A TREE BRANDISIHING A GREAT DAGGER)

PATTY:

Screw you! You let that blonde mommaís girl over there pound you into retirement years ago! Iím the #1 Swiss Miss now!

LENA:

Itís true, I can take down any #1 or former #1 provided the match is inconsequential enough . . .

MARTINA:

Ha! Youíre a psychopath! I think you might even really be Austrian or something. No, Iím going to reclaim the #1, force Roger Federer to marry me, join the Trilateral Commission and bring the entire world under Swiss domination! Weíve been planning it for centuries, and you all fell for that pitiful ďOh, please donít invade us, weíre neutral, We love everybodyĒ crap for all this time.

PATTY:

Not me! I love killing!

VENUS:

You know whatís scary? She only the second biggest headcase on the tour.

LENA:

Really? Whoís #1?

VENUS:

Well, letís just say she lost in the first round at the AO, and her initials arenít VW.

LENA:

So Amy Frazier . . . is a headcase . . . because she drives a Volkswagen! I canít believe I figured it out with only two hints! Mommy Vera would be so proud! Mommy Vera says Iím the smartest girl on the tour of all blondes between 5í11Ē and 6í0Ē whoís last name ends in ďeva.Ē

PATTY:

God, itís driving me crazy! Which one of you should I kill first?




A genius among our humble community. *wipestearsofherface*

If I should ever meet you, I am gonna buy you all GODIVA CHOCOLATES you can endure in one setting. And I'll throw in all the really great - one and only - chocolate from Switzerland - PROMISED!

Nicjac
Jan 18th, 2006, 05:42 PM
Martina Hingis enters the locker room, seeing Serena Williams

Martina loudly under her breath,
"God, it's cramped in here and there's no light getting into this room - I must mention to the tournament director that therre should be a separate locker room for players with a fuller figure."
Aloud: Oh, hi Serena, couldn't see you there..... Well played. I didn't watch you play but heard the score; 63 61 wasn't it? Almost the same as my score yesterday!

Serena (irritated but maintaining her poise). Yea, thanks.

Mutters under her breath, "where's that "Pin" when you need one."
Aloud: Did you catch my interview afterwards? They asked me about your comeback and I was saying you should be allowed to dream (turns away and mouths "dream on").

Martina, grinning; That's nice. Just like your sister said - you two are so close. You even share the same brain, - I mean, thought! Titters. Where is Venus, by the way? Practising?

Serena. No, she's resting up. She's not on top form right now.

Martina. Really? I thought she'd played pretty well considering she hasn't played for a couple of months. It's really tough to come back after a period away, you know; not everyone can do it successfully. Smiles.

Serena. She's not worried. I mean a first round loss here isn't like a first round loss at Wimbledon, is it?

Martina (the smile disappears). No but still it must hurt. I bought her this Bulgarian phrase book as a gift to keep her occupied while she's waiting for you to finish. Would you give it to her?

Serena. You're too kind.

Martina. You know, it's just like old times, isn't it? The two of us in here and her in the stands.

Serena: (walking out) like September 99, you mean? Sure, I remember!

Wrong thread, this one is about King Arthur and co ;)


http://www.wtaworld.com/showthread.php?t=211896

miffedmax
Jan 20th, 2006, 06:43 PM
THE GROUP HAS RIDDEN FOR MANY DAYS. AT LAST, IN THE DISTANCE, THEY SEE THE QUEENíS CASTLE.

VEE:

Yondah lies da castle of my Motha.Ē

LENA:

Mommy Vera?

SHE LEANS FORWARD AND IS VISIBLY EXCITED.

VEE:

No, MY mother.

LENA:

Oh. But who approaches?

THE CLOUD OF DUST SOON TURNS INTO FLAVIA PANNETTA, ON A FAST HORSE.

LENA:

Oh, look, itís my friend Flavia, come to help us!

FLAVIA:

Scuse, not so much. I am in a hurry to make next matcha at the Australian Open.

SHE RIDES OFF.

LENA:

I wish I was still playing in singles.

VEE:

Yeah, and ESPN wishes I was, too.

LENA:

My fans say that ESPN stands for Elena, Show her Play? Never!

VEE:

Lena?

LENA:

What?

VEE:

Your fans truly are deeply weird.

AS THEY APPROACH, THEY SEE THE CASTLE WILLIAMS IS UNDER ATTACK BY THE HUGLEY POPULAR LEGIONS OF DANNI FANS.

LENA:

Oh, how will we ever get through their lines?

DONALD:

Hmmm. Iíll try to distract her. It could be very complicated, and require me to make tremendous sacrifices to our side to triumph . . .

LENA:

No, Donald, not your virtue!

DONALD:

For the greater good . . . I may have to risk it!

LENA:

Iím sure we can come up with a better plan. . .

DONALD:

Iím really not seeing too many problems with mine . . .

LENA:

No, no, itís too great a sacrifice.

VEE:

Look, her whole army is guys. Just show Ďem your bangs.

LENA:

No, no, I will NOT be a tennis Lolita!

VEE:

Girl, youíre 24. Youíre not a Lolita any more.

LENA:

Oh yeah? Then why do I still travel with Mommy Vera and do whatever Mommy Vera says?

VEE:

Ainít that the $64 question?

LENA:

Once, I won a tournament, and Mommy Vera let me keep 64 whole dollars!

SUDDENLY, DANIELA APPROACHES.

DANI;

What do you want?

VEE:

I want my damn castle back. Now if youíll get down off those stilts, we can fight it out.

DANI:

Itís two on one. And my quarrel is not with you.

DANI WHISTLES, AND SPREM AND Pironkova STEP OUT FROM BEHIND TREES, ARMED TO THE TEETH.

DANI:

Here are your own special nemeses, Venus. Meanwhile, I will prove to all with eyes to see that I . . . HAVE . . . THE ABSOLUTE . . . CUTEST . . . BANGS IN THE WTA!!!!

SUDDENLY, THERE IS A VOICE FROM THE TREES:

Is no good. Is 3 on 2 now. I will have to even things up.

THERE IS A RUSTLING IN THE HIGHEST BRANCHES, AND A SMALL BAT EMERGES FROM THE LEAVES, THEN TRANSFORMS ITSELF INTO NASTYA.

LENA:

But I thought you were bored with our quest.

NASTYA:

I was very fucking bored. But I donít play until Saturday, so now I am bored with fucking Australian Open. What can I say? The Undead are easily bored.

VENUS:

But even so, what can we do? These girls have defeated me fair and square before.

NASTYA:

Leave it to me. (NASTYA TURNS TO SPREM)

Hey! You know what your last name sounds like?

(All but Sprem, even Pironkova and Dani titter).

LENA:

(laughing twice as hard as everyone else)

It makes you sound like a big, fat whale!

ALL STOP LAUGHING AND LOOK AT LENA, WHO IS NOW ROGLHAO.

LENA:

Miss Big Fat Sperm Whale!

VEE:

Brilliant. So far your plan has gotten right back to 3-2 in their favor.

NASTYA:

Geez, what a fucking blonde.

Okay, letís see. (To Pironkova)

Hey, Bulgarian chick! Are you pregnant or on steroids?

PIRONKOVA:

Thatís not me! Thatís Sesil!

NASTYA:

Fuck! Nothing is working today! Itís all fucking Jenís fucking fault!

LENA:

Oh, please open the door extra wide for me, Ďcause Iím a big olí whale!
(MORE GALES OF INCAPACITATING LAUGHTER FROM LENA D)

DANI:

Really, please, just let me kill her and put us all out of our misery.

VEE:

Well . . .

NASTYA:

No fucking way. My best chance to win another Slam is to play her in finals again some day.

SUDDENLY, A GREAT CHARIOT PULLED BY DOZENS OF SONY/ERICSSON MARKETING EXECUTIVES PULLS UP. A GOLDEN DOOR OPENS AND TED WATTS STEPS OUT.

WATTS:

Game, set, match, Miss Williams.

DANI:

But we hadnít even . . .

PIRONKOVA:

Youíre blind! You canít call . . .

SPREM:

Oh, crap. I knew it would catch up with me.

VEE:

Yesssssssssssss! MAKE-UP CALL! In your face!

SPREM:

Itís a fair cop.

DANI:

Crap. Youíre right. Sometimes you get the calls, sometimes you donít.

LENA:

Hello, tennis club? Could I reserve two courts? Ďcause Iím a whale!
Oh, man. I laughed so hard . . . I think I need a new pullup.

(OH, ITíS TIME TO FINISH THIS ONE OFF WITH THE NEXT INSTALLMENT

iced gem
Jan 21st, 2006, 03:38 PM
NASTYA:

Leave it to me. (NASTYA TURNS TO SPREM)

Hey! You know what your last name sounds like?

(All but Sprem, even Pironkova and Dani titter).

LENA:

(laughing twice as hard as everyone else)

It makes you sound like a big, fat whale!

ALL STOP LAUGHING AND LOOK AT LENA, WHO IS NOW ROGLHAO.

LENA:

Miss Big Fat Sperm Whale!


LENA:

Oh, please open the door extra wide for me, Ďcause Iím a big olí whale!
(MORE GALES OF INCAPACITATING LAUGHTER FROM LENA D)

LENA:

Hello, tennis club? Could I reserve two courts? Ďcause Iím a whale!
Oh, man. I laughed so hard . . . I think I need a new pullup.



:haha: Loving Lena and the Sperm Whale! :D

ceiling_fan
Jan 27th, 2006, 12:06 AM
page 18? bump!

and the next instalment

iced gem
Jan 27th, 2006, 09:26 PM
bump again....
Any chance of the last installment? :angel: :worship:

Dementinator
Jan 27th, 2006, 10:05 PM
Indeed ,this thread should be down so low ,it needs elevating above the "Maria took a dump today" and "Pix of Vee's new earings" type threads....

ceiling_fan
Jan 28th, 2006, 07:28 AM
let me see that sexy body go

>bump

>>bump

>>>bump

Spirit
Jan 31st, 2006, 02:00 PM
Bumper cars.

Ryan
Jan 31st, 2006, 02:26 PM
*gasp* Amazing. Hopefully all the characters rendezvous at the Williams castle for a mouth-watering finale! :D

Nicjac
Jan 31st, 2006, 03:26 PM
Bump and sticky please :D

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!

miffedmax
Jan 31st, 2006, 07:50 PM
(Oh, Lordy, it's gone from pre-OZ to post-OZ, and this thing still isn't done. Thanks for the nice remarks. I've had a blast wasting time on this. Anyway, this is the final ending.)

LENA, VENUS AND DONALD RIDE ON. NASTYA HAS APPARENTLY GOTTEN BORED AGAIN AND DISAPPEARED. LENA IS STILL LAUGHING SO HARD SHE IS CRYING.

LENA:

ďOh, oh hereís one. Iím entering the doubles by myselfóĎcause Iím as big as a whale! Big, fat sperm whale!

VENUS (to Donald)

You know itís going to be ugly if she makes one of those whale jokes around my sister.

DONALD:

But sheís so . . . so . . .

VENUS:

If you ever meet that poor girlís mother, youíll understand everything. But I have an idea.

Hey! Hey Lena!

LENA:

Da?

VENUS:

Did you know sperm whales are an endangered species?

LENA:

No . . .

VENUS:

You know why theyíre endangered?

LENA:

Uh . . .

VENUS:

Because their natural prey is being wiped out.

LENA:

Oh no!

VENUS:

You know what sperm whales eat?

LENA:

What?

VENUS:

They only eat one thing in the whole world . . . little, cute, sweet lame little donkeys!

LENA BURSTS INTO TEARS.

Oh, the poor whales! Oh the poor donkeys! Oh my poor serve! I donít know which is saddest!

DONALD:

Frankly, Vee, Iím not sure this is much of an improvement.

BY NOW THE THREE HAVE REACHED THE ENTRANCE TO CASTLE WILLIAMS. ORACENE RUNS DOWN TO GREET THEM

ORACENE:

Thank goodness youíre here!

LINDS:

Yeah, yeah, itís great. Gimme.

(LINDS TAKES ALL THE INGREDIENTS, INCLUDING LENAíS FRESHLY BARBERED BANGS AND POURS THEM INTO NADIAíS CUP. SHE SPEAKS AS SHE MIXES THEM UP.)

LINDS:

So, you must have driven a big old stake through Nasty to get this vampire blood.

LENA:

Me? Beat Nastya? Donít be silly.

LINDS:

Well, surely you had to kill Nadia to get her cup . . .

LENA:

Nope. She is very sweet and takes care of her boyfriendís donkey even though he is lame.

LINDS:

Kim? Justine? Surely the battliní Belgians didnít go quietly.

LENA:

Not even a tummy grumble.

LINDS:

The young guns? Masha? Surely you slaughtered them all.

LENA:

No.

LINDS: Crap.

Here. (SHE HANDS IT TO SERENA, WHO CHUGS IT DOWN AND RETCHES.)

REE:

That was the first thing Iíve ever eaten I didnít like.

LINDS:

Uh, youíre not going to die from drinking that, are you?

REE:

No . . .

LINDS:

Crap! Not one of my competitors eliminated! My evil quest is a complete failure.

REE:

Not complete.

LINDS:

What do you mean?

REE:

Well, after being forced to drink that shit, I definitely feel like kicking some ass . . . so I must be getting better.

LINDS (DISAPPEARING IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE)

Oh? Really? Gee, I gotta go . . .

LENA:

Oh, please donít hurt the little donkeys!

REE:

What?

VEE:

Believe me, sis, you donít want to know . . .

THE (MERCIFULLY) END

Ryan
Jan 31st, 2006, 07:55 PM
:lol: I like the ending. Miffed, you HAVE to do more of these, for every GS and possibly even an IW/Miami one. :p I demant it. :worship:

Spirit
Jan 31st, 2006, 07:57 PM
:bounce: Thank you!





http://jupiter.ucsd.edu/~rstevens/villano/Thatsallfolks.gif

udachi Elena
Jan 31st, 2006, 08:26 PM
hahahah all of these soo great!! miffed max is a genius!!! So funny, lindsay setting up everyone to eliminate competition!

Nicjac
Feb 1st, 2006, 07:09 AM
Amazingly beautiful and hilariously funny :worship:

Thanks, Max!

ceiling_fan
Feb 1st, 2006, 10:53 AM
hehe beautiful max!

i wonder if u planned everything from the start, or as you went along? either way, great ending!!