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cynicole
Apr 1st, 2002, 08:42 PM
A little bit for everyone.


"Nothing Is Sacred, For Sure"

(KIM enters the lounge. MARTINA is preparing some rice. JUSTINE is sitting at a computer. There is a locker room adjoining the lounge.)

KIM: Has Lleyton been here looking for me?

MARTINA: No.

KIM: Oh, okay. (sits down at table and takes out a stationary kit)

(Enter LINDSAY and MONICA. MONICA is holding the door open for LINDSAY, who is on crutches.)

MARTINA: Hi Lindsay. Hi Monica. Would you like some water?

LINDSAY: That would be good.

MONICA: Yes, please.

(MARTINA scampers to the refrigerator...but has trouble opening the door.)

MARTINA: It's stuck!

MONICA: I'll get it. *double-grunt*

JENN: (coming in from the locker room) ARRRRRGH! What the -?Keep the goddam f*cking decimals down, I'm trying to concentrate!

KIM: Whatareyouconcentratingon?

JENN: Kim, I can't, like, understand French. Speak in English this time?

KIM: IamspeakinginEnglish.

JUSTINE: Iím the Walloon. I speak the French.

JENN: I thought you were Belgian.

JUSTINE: Wallonia is a part of Belgium.

JENN: Like how America is part of the United States?

LINDSAY: (incredulously) What?

JUSTINE: Iím confused, for sure.

MARTINA: Jenn has a hard enough time with English herself. Kim, slow down. Justine...well, I don't know what you can do.

JENN: Which color I should wear? Blue or pink?

JUSTINE: White, for sure.

(Door Opens. Enter VENUS and SERENA with pushcarts and a huge trunk.)

KIM: Been shopping again?

SERENA: And there's still a few things I want to get on the Internet.

VENUS: What are you doing, Kim?

KIM: I'm writing "Thank You" cards to tournament directors.

SERENA: "Thank You" cards?

JENN: Yeah, I should've figured that you, like, would not, you know, know what "Thank You, like, means.

SERENA: Stop talking CRAP-riati. I know what "Thank You" means. Like last year, I said "Thank You" to Venus after she pulled out of Indian-

VENUS: Shhhh

(a cell phone rings)

JENN: Arrrrrrrrrgh! What the f*ck, a baby next? Who? (stares around wildly)

KIM: (takes out the cell phone) Sorry. Maybe it's Lleyton. (flicks it on) Hello? Oh, okay, I'll be right there.

MONICA: Who was it?

KIM: Jelena. She needs help with her papa. See you later!

EVERYONE: Bye, Kim!

(KIM exits. VENUS and SERENA head over to the computers where JUSTINE is sitting)

SERENA: Oh My Goodness, girl, your hair is just wrong! I'd rate it a 3.5 out of potential 10 points!

JUSTINE: No, I just wear cap. Will look more best.

SERENA: No, no more caps! I'm more blonde than you are. I have some bleach. I'll help you.

JUSTINE: You mean like how Venus loses second sets to me on purpose?

SERENA: Yes, like that.

VENUS: I would help you now but I have tendonitis.

JENN: When don't you have tendonitis?

(SERENA and JUSTINE go into the locker room. ANNA and AMELIE enter.)

ANNA: It took me forever to get here. Everyone wants my autograph...and pictures!

AMELIE: It took me long to get here because Navratilova and Billie Jean were standing by the door.

MARTINA: (to Anna) How was your photo shoot?

ANNA: I have lots of photo shoots wherever I go. Iím so used to them.

MARTINA: That's because you always have the time because you lose in singles.

ANNA: They always put lots of pictures of me in magazines...and write a lot of articles too.

MARTINA: Yeah, articles about how you can't win a tournament.

SERENA: Why do you even bother playing?

LINDSAY: I would do almost anything to play again...even if I had to play like Anna.

ANNA: Hey! Iíve beaten Jenn several times.

SERENA: We all have. Itís not hard. Ask Venus.

(MARTINA shrinks away with her bowl of rice.)

JENN: I'm no wuss. I am not piss easy to beat! You know, I, like, won three of the f*cking five last slams!

LINDSAY: There's a dollar on the floor over there. I'd get it, but I can't bend.

ANNA: One dollar? Pff. I have a lot of money.

MARTINA: Because of me.

ANNA: Because I am the star and beautiful and sexy.

MONICA: It's MINE! (grabs the dollar. clasps it.) MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

LINDSAY: There's a quarter over there.

(MONICA runs after it.)

MARTINA: I'm glad she doesn't run that fast on the court...or else she would beat me.

(SERENA and JUSTINE re-enter from the locker room.)

VENUS: There's still something not quite right.

ANNA: She doesn't look enough like me.

SERENA: Justine, you need some color. (Digs through her bags) Here's some fluorescent yellow tennis shoes!

VENUS: Here's the top I wore in Melbourne last year.

JUSTINE: What this for?

VENUS: That's right, you don't have any-

MARTINA: Sleeves! You need sleeves. Or at least one...

AMELIE: I prefer shorts.

ANNA: And you need to look like me.

SERENA: There! Voila! That's better!

JUSTINE: (looking in a mirror) No, no. This for sure is not best.

JENN: Yeah, like, pink would be better. And it should be tight so, you know, people could see your, like, buff abs.

SERENA: No way! Like you should be doing any talking. Whenever I look at what you're wearing, I feel sick.

JENN: That isn't anything, like, new now, is it? Shut up, you hydrochloriac!

SERENA: That's hypochondriac. That's what I am. I always seem to get hurt. Look it up in the dictionary. You'll see my picture there!

MARTINA: You are so stupid. (chomps on her rice...but begins to choke)

SERENA: At least I have a formal education!

JENN: *cough* fashion school *cough*

MONICA: Stop fighting!

JENN: F*ck no, Santa Monica!

LINDSAY: Guys, Martina is choking!

AMELIE, JUSTINE and ANNA: We do that all the time.

VENUS: Anna, you're not good enough to choke.

JENN: *cough* Four match points *cough*

VENUS: *cough* Eight match points. *cough*

(MONICA performs the Heimlich on MARTINA. A white particle lands 3 feet away. ANNA picks it up and hands it to MARTINA.)

ANNA: You choked on this.

MARTINA: One of Venus' pearls. (stares at VENUS and SERENA)

SERENA: We don't wear beads anymore.

VENUS: Even pearls are too low for me now.

MARTINA: Then whose is it?

(EVERYONE looks around.)

LINDSAY: Ah, it's mine.

MARTINA: YOU!

LINDSAY: Yeah, I'm trying to change my image so sponsors will pay attention to me.

SERENA: That is so sad. I rate it a 1.2.

JUSTINE: For sure.

LINDSAY: (frustrated) I'm so undeserving.

(*silence*)

ANNA: Okay, enough about Lindsay. Let's talk about my bras!

VENUS: No, I've got something better. (opens her trunk and takes out some bandages) Look at my new bandages!

ANNA: They sparkle like diamonds!

VENUS: They ARE diamonds! I got them while I was in Antwerp. I couldnít resist them.

JUSTINE: For sure, Anvers is the diamond capitol of the world.

JENN: It's always Belfast this and Belfast that with you Belgrade Sisters.

VENUS: Uh, Jenn, that's Belgium.

SERENA: B-E-L-G-I-U-M

JUSTINE: What I am supposed to say? We have good federations? My backhand -

MARTINA and SERENA: Noooooooo!

JUSTINE: And Kim and I are different persons. She is good girl.

AMELIE: I think you're a good girl too, Justine.

JUSTINE: Stop looking at me like that!

(NATHALIE TAUZIAT bursts in quickly followed by SAMANTHA STEVENSON.)

NATHALIE: (To Amelie) You stay away from her!

SAMANTHA: Aha! Lesbianism!

JUSTINE: Iím for sure not lesbian.

MARTINA: Hi Professor!

AMELIE: Aren't you retired?

JENN: Like, f*ck off, you mariah?

NATHALIE: Thatís pariah, you fatty. And I leave anyway - to finish my book about what itís like to play REAL tennis.

(NATHALIE exits.)

JENN: (grumbling) Itís MUSCLE! (under her breath) F*cking French b*tch!

LINDSAY: (to SAMANTHA) And you? (staredown)

(SAMANTHA leaves.)

JENN: (to AMELIE) You're a f*cking lesbian.

AMELIE: I'm not f*cking right nowÖbut if you're interested...

JENN: F*cking hell, no!

(LLEYTON HEWITT enters.)

LLEYTON: Oy!

EVERYONE: Hi Kim!

LLEYTON: No, I'm Lleyton.

LINDSAY: Sorry. It's just that you two look awfully similar.

LLEYTON: How so?

VENUS: You don't see the resemblance?

LLEYTON: Look at me. You tell me what the similarities are!

VENUS: Um, I don't think Iím going to answer that.

SERENA: Yeah. No comment.

LLEYTON: I guess Kim isn't here.

LINDSAY: She's out helping Jelena with something.

LLEYTON: Oh, okay. (EXITS)

ANNA: I don't know what Kim sees in him.

JENN: Even like my brother and me don't look that much like, alike, like, you know. It's like invest.

LINDSAY: Invest?

ANNA: Invest is what Charles Schwab does for me.

JENN: Charles Schwab is your brother?

ANNA: You're thinking of incest!

JENN: Isn't that how I get when Iím oncourt?

LINDSAY: That's incensed.

JENN: Oh. But what does my getting mad have to do with Lleyton?

LINDSAY: It doesn't have anything to do with Lleyton.

MARTINA: Heís not even half a man.

AMELIE: *ahem*

MARTINA: I would cast him off, that's what I'd do...and find a new man. He's such a little boy.

JUSTINE: Size doesn't matter. You, for sure, should know that.

MARTINA: And he talks to that Mr. Fist thing.

SERENA: I'm sure you're familiar with a lot of Mr. Fists.

EVERYONE BUT MONICA: Ewwwwwwwwww.

MONICA: What's Mr. Fist?

AMELIE: If I was dating Lleyton, I would pretend that he's Kim.

LINDSAY: Amelie, could you think silently from now on. Please?

MONICA: I don't get it?

SERENA: Consider yourself lucky.

JENN: I didn't figure Jebediah's Witnesses knew that sort of stuff.

VENUS: Jehovah's!

JENN: Jeh-ova? Didn't I, like, beat that bitch in the first round? There are, like, so many of them f*cking -ova's around, you know.

VENUS: Jehovah is God.

ANNA: No, I am the goddess.

SERENA: No, you got it all wrong: My sister is the goddess.

MARTINA: I am No. 1 on the Gold Exempt list. I'm the one everyone wants!

LINDSAY: I finished No. 1 last year.

(*silence*)

LINDSAY: I'm so undeserving.

MONICA: What's Mr. Fist?

(KIM enters, carting cases of liquor)

KIM: I'm baaack!

LINDSAY: Where'd you get all that?

KIM: Jelena asked me to get this out of her hotel room. Her dad (motions "drinky, drinky")

LINDSAY: Why isn't Jelena HERE with us?

KIM: She said the lounge was too far away. Hey, Lindsay, check this bottle out!

(KIM hands a champagne bottle to LINDSAY. LINDSAY laughs.)

LINDSAY: (READS) To drink when Jelena defeats Davenport. That's not likely to happen. He must be drunk.

(Hands bottle back to KIM.)

KIM: (shaking the bottle mischievously) Cool. (Pops the cork out.)

SERENA: Owwwwwwww! You got me in the eye! I'm injured again!

KIM: Sorry. I'll visit you in the hospital during my next trip to visit sick children.

SERENA: Couldn't you have aimed it at JENN's stomach?

JENN: Hey, thatís muscle!

VENUS: Can't you show some empathy? Serenaís hurt.

MARTINA: Empathy? What's "empathy?"

(KIM sprays everyone with champagne.)

AMELIE: (sorting through the rest of the drinks) I can make some cocktails from some of these.

JENN: *cough* COCKtails *cough*

SERENA: Jenn, are you sick?

JENN: About as sick as you are. Ah, Serena, why are you, like, you know, limping? I mean, Kim, like, hit you in your goddam eye!

SERENA: I'm a hypochondriac! How many times do I have to tell you?

KIM: AndtothinkIwasgoingtosendyoua"GetWell"card!

JENN: Kim is speaking French again!

KIM: Idon'tspeakFrench; Ispeak FLEMISH! AndIwasjustspeakingin ENGLISH!

JUSTINE: I speak the French.

JENN: Yeah, that's right. Because you're the Balloon from Bologna.

VENUS: WALLOON from WALLONIA.

JUSTINE: Wallonne de la Wallonie.

AMELIE: And THAT was just French.

VENUS: Bologna is in Italy! Ask your dad about it.

JUSTINE: (taking out the Wallon flag) This is for sure the flag de la Wallonie.

JENN: Are you sure?

JUSTINE: For sure, I'm sure...for sure.

JENN: Isn't that your sponsor? Le Coq -?

AMELIE: Could we stop talking about cocks? This is so boring.

MARTINA: To you, maybe.

AMELIE: (handing a drink to VENUS) Would you like a drink?

VENUS: No. I'm tired of swallowing.

MARTINA: Pff.

SERENA: Martina , I hear that you like to swallow a lot of --

MARTINA: Speaking of cocktails...

(DANIELA HANTUCHOVA enters.)

DANIELA: Hi everyone!

EVERYONE: Hi Daniela!

DANIELA: I need some pearls to go with my cocktail dress, um, I mean, tennis outfit.

MARTINA: Lindsay has beads.

VENUS: I don't have pearls. But I can lend you some diamonds if you promise to practice with Martina and Justine again.

DANIELA: Okay.

VENUS: (opens her trunk) Let's see.

(MARTINA looks over her shoulder.)

MARTINA: Hey! What's this!!! (Pulls out a Chucky doll with pins stuck in it.) Explain this!

JENN: There's, like, one of me too!

KIM: My arm!

AMELIE: My head!

JUSTINE: For sure, my head also.

MONICA: Mine is FAT!

SERENA: You have one of me too...and itís pressed in the stomach!

ANNA: Thereís not one for me!

VENUS: (calmly) I made them as presents for all of you.

MARTINA: You didn't make mine! You bought mine.

VENUS: No, Martina, thatís what you really look like.

LINDSAY: I'm missing a leg!

VENUS: I worked on yours first.

SERENA: Oh, and not mine?!

VENUS: Well, notice how ugly Lindsay's is? I practiced working on hers first.

LINDSAY: I can be a real bitch you know. (throws down crutches and begins to WALK towards VENUS.)

VENUS: I can explain. Just let me get out of the room first. (Backs toward the door...which suddenly opens.)

(TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR enters.)

TD: Hi girls.

VENUS: Hi. Um, why don't we have equal pay?

TD: (completely off-guard and nervous) Well, that's because, well, you see...

VENUS: Get him!

TD: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(The PLAYERS close in on the poor unfortunate tournament director.)

THE END

Vanity
Apr 1st, 2002, 08:45 PM
Nicole, I've watched this lovely creation of yours grow from start to finish..... it's excellent, It has me almost falling out of my chair laughing!!! LOL!
I could so see this being a SNL skit!!

:D

vw43
Apr 1st, 2002, 08:47 PM
LMFAO..

You've got yourself your own little screenplay...

Hilarious..:D

cynicole
Apr 1st, 2002, 08:50 PM
Originally posted by Vanity

I could so see this being a SNL skit!!


Well, the Monica opening the refrigerator part was on SNL.

It's stolen from a skit that was called something like "At Home With Monica."

thefreedesigner
Apr 1st, 2002, 08:59 PM
Fucking - oops! - great!!!

Haha, how do you manage to get so many foibles and double-entendres in there!

Have to say I didn't understand the thing about Lleyton and Kim looking alike though....I rate that 10/10, for sure!

RYNJ
Apr 1st, 2002, 09:05 PM
SERENA: Oh My Goodness, girl, your hair is just wrong! I'd rate it a 3.5 out of potential 10 points!

HAHAHAHA

Great post cynicole, so funny. Hope to have more!!

FroggyLight
Apr 1st, 2002, 09:06 PM
LoL omg Thats hilarious! Great post!

Gonzo Hates Me!
Apr 1st, 2002, 09:08 PM
Real funny!!! Hilarious. Especially the mock of Lleyton's US Open crap and Jenn being, well, Jenn! Hehe. It was just too long though. Everyone knows I don't read

angele87
Apr 1st, 2002, 09:43 PM
ROTFLMAO

That was hilarious!! :D :D


Oh and when Lleyton still had a ponytail, he and Kim did actually look like each other :o

Mazza
Apr 1st, 2002, 09:52 PM
LMAO :D That was too funny! Did Kim and Lleyton ever meet up with eachother?!

Nimi
Apr 1st, 2002, 10:14 PM
LOL
the best so far!

& Kim & Lleyton are lookalikes!!!

A4
Apr 1st, 2002, 10:23 PM
Cynicole. You actually made my board twice today. Really hilarious stuff. Yeah, something for everyone, even Tolstoy, as Mrs Guga so eloquently put it.

Thanx for a great read.

Ryan
Apr 1st, 2002, 10:29 PM
MARTINA: Empathy? What's "empathy?"

LMFAO! This was goddamn hilarious cynicole! You have ot write another one!

Nikki
Apr 1st, 2002, 10:29 PM
Lmfao:)

wongqks
Apr 1st, 2002, 11:10 PM
This is great so many great jokes, especially the part when you were talking about Venus etc said everyone beat Jenn and MArtina hide behind a rice bowl and the voodoo dolls but with no Anna LOL

Thanks for that it is truly great!!!

Sean
Apr 1st, 2002, 11:17 PM
ROTFLMAO...That was wicked man!

I've got one...

Jen def Anna 6/1 6/0

Jen: the umpire is a fucking bastard He fucking made me lose my serve.

Anna: How?

Jen: A pin dropped in the crowd and he wouldnt call it a let the Bastard. I'll fucking kill him or was it a her. I dont remember. The flashes were so bright i could hardly see.

Anna: It was a him. He was one of my punters last night.

Jen: Youre a whore.

Anna: Youre not pretty enough to be a whore. ha ha.

Jen: Fuck u at least Ive won a title

Jen leaves.

Martina, Amelie, enter.

Martina: Hi Anna..Do u wanna play..later.

Anna: i'll just check my schedule. I've got to fit it around the photoshoots, and the punters.

Martina: Anna, I've got a new racket its really long, hard and strong.

Amelie: Uh Uh Uh...Awww...Give it to me.

Anna: Ok Marti. I'll play with you...Got the balls.

Amelie: There's 2 right here...Play with them please...

Martina: Amelie yours are a bit squishy. We need something more..

Amelie: Hard...Im getting an erection...UH UH

Martina: Erection?

Anna: Its something every man gets when he sees me.

Martina: Youre a girl..right.

Amelie: Its not what you said 2 1/2 years ago.

Anna: Im scared. Martina Hold me.

Amelie: Uh Uh Aw Aw...ummm Hold me, lick me, kiss me!!

Conchita: And cut.

Amelie: You were taping this!

Conchita: Anna is here...hello...anyway Im going to have some fun tonight.

Martina: Come on The camera's are waiting for us Anna we've got to play..... tennis.

Anna: I thought you meant play...

Amelie: mmmmmm.

Tratree
Apr 1st, 2002, 11:29 PM
Excellent work, Cynicole...you really zinged everyone :) A very fun read indeed.

KoOlMaNsEaN
Apr 1st, 2002, 11:46 PM
this is amazingly funny! i hope u do another!

Kart
Apr 2nd, 2002, 12:04 AM
Originally posted by cynicole

JENN: Yeah, I should've figured that you, like, would not, you know, know what "Thank You, like, means.

SERENA: Stop talking CRAP-riati. I know what "Thank You" means. Like last year, I said "Thank You" to Venus after she pulled out of Indian-

VENUS: Shhhh


AND


LINDSAY: Guys, Martina is choking!

AMELIE, JUSTINE and ANNA: We do that all the time.


ROTFL :):):):)

Eric_tennis
Apr 2nd, 2002, 12:13 AM
Funny and hilarious! :)

Jessica02
Apr 2nd, 2002, 12:26 AM
JENN: Jeh-ova? Didn't I, like, beat that bitch in the first round? There are, like, so many of them f*cking -ova's around, you know.VENUS: Jehovah is God.

ANNA: No, I am the goddess.

SERENA: No, you got it all wrong: My sister is the goddess.


VENUS: Here's the top I wore in Melbourne last year.

JUSTINE: What this for?

VENUS: That's right, you don't have any-

LMAO Cynicole!!

Martina: Erection?

Anna: Its something every man gets when he sees me.

Martina: Youre a girl..right.

Amelie: Its not what you said 2 1/2 years ago.

LMAO!!!

§ lŁrÓŮg bŁllŽt §
Apr 2nd, 2002, 02:40 AM
I love these threads, lmao !!!:D

xan
Apr 2nd, 2002, 03:22 AM
After the Match.

ANNA: Hi Marti. How's your plan to beat the Williams' sisters going?

MARTINA: Shaddup!

Enter Venus and Serena

SERENA: Where am I going to put this beautiful trophy? I have no more space in my room.

VENUS: Well don't you dare step into my room. I'm sure it was you that threw up in my Wimbledon plate...

Serena goes quiet and turns away. Jen enters.

JENNIFER: How did I lose? How did I lose?

SERENA: Don't worry about it. Smile. Just because you totally collapsed and and choked, for the second year running, in front of sixty million people, all your family and fans, doesn't mean your career is washed up. Look at the good side.

JENNIFER: What good side?

SERENA: I could have been healthy.

JENNIFER: Grrrrrrrr. I'm going to rip her $£"&*ing head off and $%!# down her neck!

Amelie, Lyndsay and Kim hold her back.

SERENA: Anyway, Jen, what were those strange signs you were making at me with your hand in that match?

JENNIFER: Nothing. Just a little Italian thing. A blessing.

CONCHITA: Oh. I must do that to the Pope next time I'm in Rome.
He may bless me back.

ANNA: Perhaps he'll bless ME.

MARTINA: Yes. I'd go to Rome right NOW. Take the first flight - and PRAY!

JENNIFER: (looking in magazine) Yes. Pray he hasn't seen your latest Photo-shoot. Madonna said she likes her stuff to be more subtle, less obvious.

ANNA: You think its too racy for National Enquirer?

LYNDSAY: It's too racy for Penthouse! Do you have no shame?

ANNA: I don't think so. Is that the new Perfume I saw in Guccis?

AMELIE: (snatches magazine) Let me see that! Mmmm.

BABSI: It's no big deal. I do stuff like that all the time. My fans love my underwear shots.

KIM: MY fans come because they like to see quality tennis.

ANNA: My fans enjoy quality tennis too.

MARTINA: Yes. They see it after your match.

JELENA: All my fans like to see my Passion and Drama - sometimes they even get some in my matches as well.

JUSTINE: My fans like to see flair and skill. What do your fans like to see, Lindsay?

LINDSAY: I don't know. I'll have to ask him when he comes next Thursday. He doesn't get out too much these days.

MONICA: I don't worry about my fans. I worry about Steffi's fans.

SERENA: It's time to forget all that now, Monica. Think positive thoughts. Just because you'll never be able to turn your back on the crowd again without remembering the agony as the cold steel sliced into your defenceless body, without remebering the terror, and the years you lost when you were at your peak, you musn't forget, it could have been worse.

MONICA: How?

SERENA: You might have got tendonitis.

Elena enters.

ELENA: Venus, Serena. Just the people I want to see. I've been having a bit of trouble with my serve recently. (Suppressed laughter from all round the room) Could you give me some advice? How do you serve with such awesome power and accuracy?

VENUS: Well it all comes from our days in the ghetto. It was a tough life. No DVDs. No Private jets. We didn't even have any diamonds.

MARTINA, ANNA: No! How horrible!

VENUS: All we had to eat was chicken, peas and halvah.

ELENA: Halvah?

VENUS: It was a Jewish ghetto. Anyway from three years old, dad would give me and sis a baseball bat each..

ELENA: And you went out to practice?

VENUS: No. We went to the kitchen.

ELENA: The kitchen? How did that help you develop a powerful accurate serve?

VENUS: Well in that neighbourhood the roaches moved pretty damn fast, and we had to kill fifty each before we ate.

SERENA: Need any more info? I can give you one more piece of advice on your serve.

ELENA: Okay. When I'm serving... Should I wear my red dress or my blue one?

All groan.

JUSTINE: Get a white one. It's easier choosing.

KIM: No. It's good to have interests outside tennis. I have Lleyton.

SERENA: I love colourful clothing.

NATHALIE: I like writing books.

MARTINA: I love horses.

NATHALIE: Hey. I love horses too. I like mine with onion gravy!

All leave.

Brαm
Apr 2nd, 2002, 10:02 AM
(LLEYTON HEWITT enters.)

LLEYTON: Oy!

EVERYONE: Hi Kim!

LLEYTON: No, I'm Lleyton.

LOL!!! :D

KIM: AndtothinkIwasgoingtosendyoua"GetWell"card!

JENN: Kim is speaking French again!

KIM: Idon'tspeakFrench; Ispeak FLEMISH! AndIwasjustspeakingin ENGLISH!

JUSTINE: I speak the French.

JENN: Yeah, that's right. Because you're the Balloon from Bologna.

Balloon from Bologna! LMAO!! :D

veryborednow
Apr 2nd, 2002, 10:38 AM
Teaching Anna to Play Tennis: Part 5 - Attitude

TV Recording studios, LA - Climacool Trainers

Director - An-n-n-n-d cut, Anna, please, for the sake of the advert and a pre-9 o'clock watershed time, make a better effort in pushing your skirt down, even though ... well y'know...

Jen - Well I don't know, why do people presume that you know something just because their too lazy to explain it? Why is that, hmm?

Lindsay - I don't know, hon, don't let it annoy you.

Jen - I'm not &$%*ing letting it annoy me, it's just, y'know, what if people don't know.

Serena - I know! I know because I'm clever!! Aren't I Vee?!

Venus - Hmmm, I think Anna's dress is design to be artistically symmetrical to some famous actressess... um...

Martina - Anna. it's Anna's dress! Anna's a famous actress!!

Lindsay - I think Vee was thinking something along the lines of a GOOD actress.

Martina - I'm sorry. I don't understand the political correctness of your culture.

Jen - Still? You've lived in America longer than I have, nearly.

Venus - Well I'm the one who wasted $8.50 on seeing Anna being crap, why pay when I can just go onto the court.

Anna - Please, ladies, you're distracting me!!

Jen - Anna, never admit to being distracted on court, that's why you lose.

Lindsay - Oh I don't know, I'm sure there's probably another reason....

Director - OK, start the fans......

Anna - oh no!! where?!?! why won't they leave me alone??

Director - an-n-n-n-nd ACTION!!

Serena - You don't have to be very clever to do this do you??

Director - Smile Anna!!! and push the skirt down ...

Martina - Smiling, I do that. That will make sure that you win!! Especially if you whiten your teeth before hand.

Venus - Oh that's fun isn't it!! Love my white teeth. And if that doesn't work, just don't shave your underarms, that'll give them a fright

Martina - Smile smile Carol Smilie!!

Lindsay - OK, I think we're getting the picture now Tina.

Jen - And Venus, maybe you should try using the products you endorse...

Venus - yeah that wasn't me, that was my dad...

Martina - your dad shaves his legs..?

Serena - and other areas

Lindsay - Fine, that was too much for me, I'm going. The only way she's going to win a match is if we place a mirror in the other court.

Serena - Wow! What a great idea!! Then I can see how great my outfits are. But what if I'm ill ... will my reflection be ill too?

Jen - Only if you're faking it.

Director - Cut. That's a wrap.

Anna - So, I think now I can fit it a 40 minute drubbing and that leaves me free for the rest of the week to film Rolex advert, that music video for eric ice or something like that, cover shoots for Vogue, Cosmo, J-17 and Horse and Hound.

Jen - I refuse to say the dog joke. Marti - you wanna do it??

Anna - Shall we be going then?

gentenaire
Apr 2nd, 2002, 12:10 PM
Nicole!! That was absolutely brilliant!!

"Justine Henin: for sure!" LMAO! "LLEYTON: Look at me. You tell me what the similarities are! " LOLLOL!!

"JENN: Isn't that your sponsor? Le Coq -?

AMELIE: Could we stop talking about cocks? This is so boring. "

There are too many good bits to repeat them all. You made me laugh out loud, for sure, Nicole;)

TeNnIsFaN
Apr 2nd, 2002, 02:06 PM
LMFAO!! I am loving all of these!! :D

Zamboni
Apr 2nd, 2002, 02:28 PM
lmao!

All of these are great, but (sorry) the first one is really hilarious! Still laughing...

The Crow
Apr 2nd, 2002, 07:31 PM
Great ones again :D lol

LINDSAY: Guys, Martina is choking!

AMELIE, JUSTINE and ANNA: We do that all the time.


JUSTINE: My fans like to see flair and skill. What do your fans like to see, Lindsay?

LINDSAY: I don't know. I'll have to ask him when he comes next Thursday. He doesn't get out too much these days.


lmao

Ryan
Apr 2nd, 2002, 07:43 PM
These are all too funny!

Oasiatic
Apr 2nd, 2002, 09:15 PM
ROFLMAO!!

That was smashing! I laughed for a solid ten minutes!

Keep it up guys!:hearts:

TM
Apr 2nd, 2002, 11:24 PM
so filipino :rolleyes: LOL

theheninfan
Apr 3rd, 2002, 12:01 AM
That is the best one yet!....Keep it up!

xan
Apr 3rd, 2002, 12:18 AM
The relaunch 1.

JENNIFER: Hey Kim. How did you get away with spitting at the umpire in that last match?

KIM: I wasn't spitting at him. I was talking to him in Flemish!

JENNIFER: But his face was covered in drool.

KIM shrugs and winks.

JUSTINE: It is such a coarse language. Not beautiful like French. When I have a bad cold I speak perfect Flemish.

KIM: In Flemish Belgium we have the art and the culture. You just have the coal mines.

LINDSAY: Hey. I thought you two were supposed to be friends.

JUSTINE: (Produces script and reads) Kim and I are the best of friends and really like each other very much, honestly. We may not play doubles together or speak to each other very much or understand each others languages, but our friendship is very real. Visit Belgium often. Copyright Belgian Tennis Federation.

KIM: You shouldn't have read that last bit, lame brain!

LINDSAY: So Justine. What do you like about Kim?

JUSTINE: Er.... Errr.... She's a great inspiration to me... To cut down on my meals.

MARTINA: We've no time for all this. To the important task. We have got to get equal prize money with the men. I'm not winning so many tournaments these days, and I have a lifestyle to keep up.

JENNIFER: So how do we force the tournaments to pay us equal prizemoney?

VENUS: We could go on strike.

MARTINA: In your case no-one would notice for six months!

DANIELA: What about having more competitive matches in the early rounds? No more 6-1 6-0 victories.

MARTINA: Are you mad? I can't be playing 7-5 5-7 7-5 every round. When would I have time to shop?

KIM: Giving Central European bleach-blondes and American College girls a good clobbering is half the fun of tennis.

SERENA: If you cut out my quick two-set victories. There'd be no matches left! Anyway, if I played longer matches I'd get more injuries.

JENNIFER: The only person who gets more injuries than you is a short-sighted tightrope walker with a drink problem.

MARTINA: Never mind that. How do we get more money out of these tight promoters?

BABSI: More sex appeal.

ANNA: We already have that side of things sorted. What we need is a better standard of play....... Why are you all looking at me like that? I'm a good player. It's just that my game is maturing.

JENNIFER: Maturing like old cheese. It stinks!

ANNA: My singles may be poor, but I'm getting much better results from my doubles game.

MARTINA: Perhaps that has something to do with your partner?

ANNA: No. She's a washout in singles too.

LINDSAY: We have the personalities. We have the sex appeal. We have the style and athleticism. Why don't we get equal prizemoney?

SANDRINE: It's TV. They always show the men's matches over ours. Especially mine. The last time I was televised live, France still had an Empire. I am a top player, but when I walk the streets, everyone ignores me.

ANNA: That never happens to me.

SANDRINE: Yes, but I don't wear a price-tag on my butt.

ANNA: Right. I'm leaving.

VENUS: That's it! Anna's doing the right thing at last. To get more money we have to cut out all the dead wood!

MARTINA: Yes. We've got to throw out all the players who play badly, make too many unforced errors, choke, play boring tennis... Why is everyone looking at me?

..........?

Ryan
Apr 3rd, 2002, 01:51 AM
JENNIFER: The only person who gets more injuries than you is a short-sighted tightrope walker with a drink problem.

LMAO! Xan that was priceless! Also the end part.



MARTINA: Yes. We've got to throw out all the players who play badly, make too many unforced errors, choke, play boring tennis... Why is everyone looking at me?

Haaaaahhhhaaaaa! keep it up!

Justin
Apr 3rd, 2002, 02:28 AM
cynicole- LMAO! That was simply brilliant. I loved it!


xan- Have you no shame for your Monica jab?

Just because you'll never be able to turn your back on the crowd again without remembering the agony as the cold steel sliced into your defenceless body, without remebering the terror, and the years you lost when you were at your peak,

That was truly despicable and was way, way over the line. What in God's name were you thinking?

hhx
Apr 3rd, 2002, 02:46 AM
i was bursting to laugh when reading this thread and the guys nearby in my office looked at me surprisingly.

Bright Red
Apr 3rd, 2002, 02:49 AM
xan--

You're are very talented. You had me on the floor!!!!


I like yours, too, cynicole.

Keep it up:bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

§ lŁrÓŮg bŁllŽt §
Apr 3rd, 2002, 05:27 AM
c'mon guys, keep em coming...it seems everyone absolutely loves this thread as do I :D

joao
Apr 3rd, 2002, 05:42 AM
This one is my favourite:

=============================================

JENN: Jeh-ova? Didn't I, like, beat that bitch in the first round? There are, like, so many of them f*cking -ova's around, you know.

=============================================

I'm still laughing!!!!!!!!!
Thank U sooo much!!!!!!!
:bounce:

EVAspeed
Apr 3rd, 2002, 06:17 AM
there have been stories like this being made? this is brilliant stuff.

probably the best read i've had in awhile. great job to all the writers. :drool:

Vanity
Apr 3rd, 2002, 08:02 AM
Cynciole...

YOUR THE BEST!
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BAGEL!

;)

for sure you know :cool:

jomar
Apr 3rd, 2002, 08:08 AM
absolutely hilarious!!!! thanx cynicole....i noticed we have the same national flag....ya better join us at the Filipino thread (http://www.wtaworld.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=324131#post324131) at the Non-tennis forum if you consider yourself a PINOY.hehehe:D

auntie janie
Apr 3rd, 2002, 01:10 PM
A poster at CNNSI recommmended this thread to me -- good grief, WHERE HAVE I BEEN? Thsi is great stuff! "For sure"!:D :D :D

Zamboni
Apr 3rd, 2002, 01:24 PM
ANNA: My singles may be poor, but I'm getting much better results from my
doubles game.

MARTINA: Perhaps that has something to do with your partner?

ANNA: No. She's a washout in singles too.

lmao :D:D

hingis-seles
Apr 3rd, 2002, 04:23 PM
WTA Locker Room

(The locker room door is swung open and in walks an unknown boy who is stopped by the locker room attendant)

Attendant: Excuse me, but this area is off-limits to anyone not part of the players' entourage.

Boy:Fuck off!

Attendant:Ah! You must be part of Miss Capriati's entourage.

Venus(rolls eyes) : Why do they let all the trash in here?

Serena: I really have no clue. Would you pass me an Evian?

(Venus takes one out of the refrigerator, hands it to Serena and lets out a yell.)

Serena: What happened?

Venus: I have tendonitis.....I can't play for the next 6 months...bye!

(Venus leaves)

(Serena drinks the water and spits it out)

Serena: This tastes weird....ohhh.....my stomach is killing me...I'm out of here....Venus!!!....wait for meeeee!!!

(Serena runs out covering her mouth)

Jennifer(to Boy):What the fuck is it, man?!

(Martina runs up to them)

Martina: Did someone say 'man'?

Anna:No, it was just Jennifer being a hooligan!

Jennifer:I'm a hooligan?!...that's still better than being a whore!

Anna: You're just jealous because I have more endorsements and am more good-looking than you'll ever be!

(Anna storms off in tears)

(Lindsay walks in)

Lindsay: hey! Was that Anna crying?

Jen: Yeah....ummm...I made her cry!

Lindsay: You made her what?

Jen:CRY, Goddamit!...Do I have to spell it out for you?...like...C-R...ummm...oh fuck it!...do you have bad ears?...I thought your fuckin knees were broken!

Martina:Oh God! No men around......

(Martina leaves)

(Monica walks by singing "We are the world, we are the children" and handing out sweets from a basket. The boy from Jen's entourage kicks her.....Monica smiles at him and gives him the basket of sweets)

Jen: All of you fuckin get away...Dump Truck, why don't you join the choir girl....she's more your speed!.....boring bitches!!!

(Everyone leaves and Jen looks around and sighs)

Attendant: Ms Capriati?

(Jen's face lights up when she sees the attendant)

Jen: Oh Good! Some one's still here for me to cuss at!

Jen:YOu #@##$#$#$$$&#@#$@@%$!!!!

(The End)

Flappie
Apr 3rd, 2002, 07:11 PM
(Venus takes one out of the refrigerator, hands it to Serena and lets out a yell.)


HILARIOUSSSSSSSS:D :D :D

Luna_Angel_84
Apr 3rd, 2002, 08:06 PM
LMFAO!!!!!! God, these are so brilliant! I haven't laughed this much in years. My fave character has to be Jen, although they're all brilliant! More of the same please!

*Izzy*
Apr 3rd, 2002, 08:36 PM
(Monica walks by singing "We are the world, we are the children" and handing out sweets from a basket. The boy from Jen's entourage kicks her.....Monica smiles at him and gives him the basket of sweets)


Lol! This is too funny! http://www.grillsportverein.de/smilies/contrib/sally/lol.gif

Jessica02
Apr 3rd, 2002, 08:56 PM
Anna def Venus 6/0 5/7 7/6

Anna: Wow I cant believe it.

Venus: Believe what?

Anna: That I won.

Venus: You were 6/0 5/0 40-0 up. And me playing on crutches, with tendonitis, stomach pain, and 2 broken limbs still managed to take you to 3 sets. In a tie breaker.

Serena, Lindsay, and Jen enter.

Lindsay: Its my birthday

Jen: So whats your fucking point.

Lindsay: Well I need to celebrate what shall i do.

Venus: I dont know...Get some new knees. Like me.

Serena: No dad, said Im meant ot be the one having a knee operation.

Venus: Dad said that your pulling out of Amelia Island and Im going to have tendonitis again at Charlston.

Jen: Yeah Ok you know All you do is fake injuries. You fucking cheats.

Serena: We dont have any control over our injuries. Its up to dad sorry fate.

Jen: Whatever bitch..

Linsay: Its my birthday has anyone got me a present. I really want Barry Mannilow's latest album.

serena: Im not a bitch.

Jen: Your sister is.

serena: My sister is the queen.

Anna: *cough*

Jen: Yeah Venus is a queen, queen on the apes.
Anna your the queen of failure.

Venus looks at Serena very angrily.

Serena: Jen, my sister is the queen of tennis. so shut up.

Venus: pff Serena...Your really scary...You can do better than that.
Im going anyway. Ive got to see the doctor.

Lindsay SHOUTING: I really like Barry manilow. I also Like Darren Day.

Anna: Jen, are you going to the photoshoot..oops sorry i forgot. Your not invited.

Jen: Anna...How many tournaments have you won again...I forget?

Serena: Jen stop bullying anna.

Jen: She called you masculine.

Anna: Jen, your a bitch.

Jen: You know.

Serena's phone rings its Venus...

Serena: i'd better run my queen sister is calling, bye.

Lindsay: I dont mind a bit of Julie Andrews...

La la la la la

The locker room clears.

Lindsay: Looks like its just me and my gran again. dipping biscuits our tea, and staying up until 8 pm...My birthday is going great!

cynicole
Apr 3rd, 2002, 08:59 PM
Thanks for the compliments, everyone. :)
(OMG, how do I follow that up?):eek:

Ryan
Apr 3rd, 2002, 09:50 PM
We know you can do it cynicole!


Great one Jessica02

E. Blackadder
Apr 3rd, 2002, 10:02 PM
Please cynicole give us another one!!!! You're the best...

TeNnIsFaN
Apr 4th, 2002, 07:25 AM
LMFAO!! I love these threads!! Please post more!! :D

jomar
Apr 4th, 2002, 07:28 AM
you can say that again.:D

Candy946
Apr 4th, 2002, 09:39 AM
Excellent! Funniest thing I've read here so far hehehehe...

Jeff
Apr 4th, 2002, 09:58 AM
Cynicole, that is the most hilarious post I have read on this board. You definetly need to post another one sometime :D

Zamboni
Apr 4th, 2002, 01:15 PM
:D

Glenn
Aug 17th, 2002, 09:56 AM
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!
LOL

grag321
Aug 17th, 2002, 03:00 PM
You guys r amazing, whoever started this thread is A GENIUS! Please create some more l can't stop laughing!!!!!!

nander
Aug 18th, 2002, 02:30 PM
I must add my congratulations to you all, Cynicole in particular, for a really fun thread.
If only most 'fans' didn't take themselves so seriously and just enjoyed the play and the comments.

cynicole
Aug 18th, 2002, 03:06 PM
Originally posted by nander
I must add my congratulations to you all, Cynicole in particular, for a really fun thread.
If only most 'fans' didn't take themselves so seriously and just enjoyed the play and the comments.

Well, I didn't start the original Locker Room Confrontations thread but thanks just the same.

Here's the original:
http://www.wtaworld.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=11747&highlight=locker+room+confrontations

Lots more hilarious ones in there.

And c2AKAcmglenn started it.

evaz
Aug 18th, 2002, 04:46 PM
Cynciole: that was really a great one :)

sartrista7
Aug 18th, 2002, 05:38 PM
cynicole - that was fantastic :)