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Brian Stewart
Apr 1st, 2002, 06:36 PM
(Note: pay close attention to the title of this thread.)

Disclaimer: the following "news" items are not to be taken seriously or internally. If you accidently swallow any of it, do not induce vomitting. (The thread will do that for you.)

Now on to the 4th annual "News of THIS day" thread:

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Better tennis through (bio)chemistry

Recently uncovered documents revealed that the Swiss tennis federation has used the cloning to produce a tennis champion. The process involved a lot of trial-and-error. The first specimen, whom we'll call "Melanie", was left in incubation too long, and aged too far to be of practical use. A second specimen (which we'll call "Patty"), was closer to the mark. However, there were a few minor glitches that resulted in loss of control, both of temperament and hair.

Finally, on the third attempt, they produced a specimen ("Martina") which they felt would suffice. However, the whole process proved so taxing, and the facilities were so limited, that the scientist in charge decided to sell his secrets instead of continuing himself. The high bidders were the Russian Tennis Federation, who supposedly were interested in making a few modifications to allow for mass production.
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Empress Anna's new clothes

Adidas has developed a new, ultra-thin material which allows all sweat to pass through and evaporate immediately. But, as a result of the fabric being so thin, it will be virtually transparent. This fabric will be incorporated into Anna Kournikova's new outfits. An Adidas spokesman said the new fabric would allow Anna to breathe more easily when she plays her matches. It will apparently have the opposite effect on her fans.
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ITF secures designer

With uniforms becoming mandatory for Fed Cup teams, the ITF has searched for a designer to make appropriate outfits for the various national squads. So it is with great pride that they have announced acquiring the services of... Maureen Drake. Now, whenever a Fed Cup team takes the court, they will be dressed in the same style and elegance exhibited by Drake's Mo' Magick line.
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Players lauded

The International Tennis Writers Association today announced the handing-out of a couple of awards to WTA players. The first, the Tomas Smid award, was presented to Jelena Dokic, in honor of her playing virtually every week.

The George Carlin award was given to Jennifer Capriati. Said Carlin, "Jen @^&*$# represents the ideals of this award, by not allowing herself to be hampered by the $@%&^ restraints imposed by tennis authorities, and speaking her @%#%# mind at all times."
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A Fancy new sponsor

The WTA rankings now have a sponsor: Fancy Pants, the leading manufacturer of tennis panties. As a result of the sponsorship, some minor modifications will be made to the ranking rules, such as awarding bonus points to players who wear multicolored tennis panties for their matches, and for players who most prominently "display the product".
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That Voodoo that you do

A routine search of player lockers at a recent challenger event turned up a startling discovery. Security personal found several small voodoo dolls in the locker of Monique Viele, along with a list of all of the players ranked in front of Viele, which had the names of players currently sidelined by injury (such as Davenport, Rubin, Krasnoroutskaya, etc.) crossed out. A spokesman for Viele had no comment at this time.
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Wimbledon awards equal prize money

The All-England Club announced today that they would be awarding the women equal prize money at this year's Championships. However, they clarified that they were not awarding the women equal prize money with the men, but rather with each other. Said an AELTC spokesman, "We don't pay any attention to the women anyway, so we decided to just divide the women's pot equally among all participants; winners, first round losers, qualifiers, doubles, whatever. Just as long as they finish their matches quickly so we can watch the men."
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That's all of the news I was able to uncover. Has anyone else found any news stories from THIS day? :)

irma
Apr 1st, 2002, 06:51 PM
yeah Andre cheated on Steffi with kylie minogue, it's a shame;)

Sonja
Apr 1st, 2002, 07:08 PM
lmao

veryborednow
Apr 1st, 2002, 07:18 PM
Players lauded

The International Tennis Writers Association today announced the handing-out of a couple of awards to WTA players. The first, the Tomas Smid award, was presented to Jelena Dokic, in honor of her playing virtually every week.

The George Carlin award was given to Jennifer Capriati. Said Carlin, "Jen @^&*$# represents the ideals of this award, by not allowing herself to be hampered by the $@%&^ restraints imposed by tennis authorities, and speaking her @%#%# mind at all times."


LOL!!!

It should be %$&*ing Jen be winning that for producing the largest number of hate thread on this board? Without her, we would all be sitting in silence, interrupted only by Tee Rexx's rambling about so Richard guy...maybe

thefreedesigner
Apr 1st, 2002, 07:21 PM
These are PEARLS you're hurling at us here Brian! :)

Hehehe
However, there were a few minor glitches that resulted in loss of control, both of temperament and hair.

:D

Valda Lake
Apr 2nd, 2002, 05:52 AM
Yes...Brian is the "Mother of Pearls"! lol

Seriously...Mr Brion...another example of a brilliant thread without need to advertise (you know what I'm saying)...good on you! :)

Valda Lake
Apr 2nd, 2002, 05:56 AM
EEAK!!!!! Anyone who knows me might recall my fear of 6's...So I need to make my post total 167...166 will not do...no no no!!! OK...everybody calm down...LMAO! :) *snicker*

Sam L
Apr 2nd, 2002, 11:29 AM
LOL especially at biochemistry! :o @ Patty and Melanie! :)

gentenaire
Apr 2nd, 2002, 11:49 AM
LMAO! The biochemistry and equal prize money ones especially!

Martian KC
Apr 2nd, 2002, 11:53 AM
Better tennis through (bio)chemistry

Recently uncovered documents revealed that the Swiss tennis federation has used the cloning to produce a tennis champion. The process involved a lot of trial-and-error. The first specimen, whom we'll call "Melanie", was left in incubation too long, and aged too far to be of practical use. A second specimen (which we'll call "Patty"), was closer to the mark. However, there were a few minor glitches that resulted in loss of control, both of temperament and hair.

Finally, on the third attempt, they produced a specimen ("Martina") which they felt would suffice. However, the whole process proved so taxing, and the facilities were so limited, that the scientist in charge decided to sell his secrets instead of continuing himself. The high bidders were the Russian Tennis Federation, who supposedly were interested in making a few modifications to

LMAO! I love it!

tennischick
Apr 2nd, 2002, 12:15 PM
funny stuff. me like...:D :)

Big Fat Pink Elephant
Apr 2nd, 2002, 12:21 PM
lmao!!!! this was so funny!!!!! i loved the whole melanie/patty thing!!!

BrianII
Apr 2nd, 2002, 02:03 PM
The wimbledon prizemoney thing, is just too funny........:D

TheBoiledEgg
Apr 2nd, 2002, 02:09 PM
nice ones Brian :) :D :D

maccardel
Apr 2nd, 2002, 03:19 PM
lmao---and the US broght the Swiss portion and Richard stole it while working as a security guard in Compton...he drank it and out came a "two headed monster".....lol

joe
Apr 2nd, 2002, 10:16 PM
:) :(