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DemWilliamsGulls
Nov 16th, 2004, 05:32 PM
Anybody have any good jokes...Here's one I have:

One day a young man was joggin near the ocean front. He heard a loud cry from a woman and ran to her cry. There he found a young lady with no legs and arms laying there near the ocean front. He said "Whats wrong?!?!" She replied "I'm 26 years old and have never been hugged by a man." So he picked her up, hugged her dearly...and ran along. On his second jog, he heard her cry again. He said "Whats wrong now?!?" she replied "I'm 26 years old and never been kissed by a man." so he picked her up, planted a fat kiss on her lips and ran along. On his 3rd jog he heard the young lady crying again. He said "Well what is it now?" she replied "I'm 26 years old and have never been fucked by a man." so the young man picked her up...........and threw her ass in the ocean and said "Your'e fucked now!" :p

Sally Struthers
Nov 16th, 2004, 05:36 PM
:lol:

Lord Chips
Nov 16th, 2004, 06:02 PM
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs

--------------------
If you are ever stuck for your out of office:
For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed in preparation for my promotion to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 10/18. Please be patient and your mails
will be deleted in the order they were received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each word thereafter.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals actually did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 10 weeks, if I am still around then.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

---------------------
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

"You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said........... "Ok Monica, you're free to go"

!<blocparty>!
Nov 16th, 2004, 07:47 PM
Q: Whats the difference between a whore and a lawyer?

A: The whore stops fucking you after you're dead.

PointBlank
Nov 17th, 2004, 01:35 AM
:rolls:

beauty_is_pink
Nov 17th, 2004, 01:41 AM
Anybody have any good jokes...Here's one I have:

One day a young man was joggin near the ocean front. He heard a loud cry from a woman and ran to her cry. There he found a young lady with no legs and arms laying there near the ocean front. He said "Whats wrong?!?!" She replied "I'm 26 years old and have never been hugged by a man." So he picked her up, hugged her dearly...and ran along. On his second jog, he heard her cry again. He said "Whats wrong now?!?" she replied "I'm 26 years old and never been kissed by a man." so he picked her up, planted a fat kiss on her lips and ran along. On his 3rd jog he heard the young lady crying again. He said "Well what is it now?" she replied "I'm 26 years old and have never been fucked by a man." so the young man picked her up...........and threw her ass in the ocean and said "Your'e fucked now!" :p:haha:

~Cherry*Blossom~
Nov 17th, 2004, 02:09 AM
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
afraid of a spider.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few
minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife
to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came
back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause
it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll
my own ............. so does she.

------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE V/S HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As
they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A businessman is driving home late one night when he comes upon an illuminated road sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES



He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without

second thought. Soon he sees another sign:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES



Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he

drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT



His curiosity gets the best! of him and he pulls into the drive. On the

far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next

to the door reading:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in

a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in

possibly doing business."



"Very well, my son. Please follow me."



He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this

door"



He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin

cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the

cup, then go through the large wooden door at the! end of this hallway."



He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. He trots

eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind

him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking

lot, facing another small sign:



GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN

SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, SINNER .

PointBlank
Nov 17th, 2004, 02:15 AM
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
afraid of a spider.
:lol:

~Cherry*Blossom~
Nov 17th, 2004, 10:31 PM
bump, more jokes please

Snuffkin
Nov 17th, 2004, 10:46 PM
Two old women were talking to each other. One says to the other, 'Do you smoke after sex?'. The other replies, 'I don't know. I never looked'.

Sabazius
Nov 17th, 2004, 11:31 PM
One day, while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus, and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to,” replied St. Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules...” And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with - and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf, and at night went to the country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it; it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now, all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked at her and smiled.
“Yesterday, we were recruiting you,” he said, “today you’re staff.”

BritneySpearsIsHot
Nov 17th, 2004, 11:40 PM
>>>>>Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until,
one
>>>>>day, he
>>>>>comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
>>>>>
>>>>>The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old.
>>>>>It
>>>>>is
>>>>>shiny and in absolute mint condition.
>>>>>
>>>>>He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
>>>>>great
>>>>>condition for 10 years.
>>>>>
>>>>>"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the
bike
>>>>>is
>>>>>outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects
>>>>>it
>>>>>from
>>>>>the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
>>>>>
>>>>>That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
>>>>>parents.
>>>>>Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the
house,
>>>>>Sandra
>>>>>stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
>>>>>before we
>>>>>go
>>>>>in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person
who
>>>>>says
>>>>>anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
>>>>>
>>>>>"No problem," he says. And in they go.
>>>>>
>>>>>Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
huge
>>>>>stack of
>>>>>dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up
>>>>>on
>>>>>the
>>>>>stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
>>>>>
>>>>>They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
>>>>>
>>>>>As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation
>>>>>and
>>>>>leans
>>>>>over and kisses Sandra.
>>>>>
>>>>>No one says a word.
>>>>>
>>>>>So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
>>>>>
>>>>>Still, nobody says a word.
>>>>>
>>>>>So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on
the
>>>>>table,
>>>>>and
>>>>>screws her right there, in front of her parents.
>>>>>
>>>>>His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and
>>>>>her
>>>>>mom
>>>>>horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
>>>>>
>>>>>He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he
grabs
>>>>>the
>>>>>mom,
>>>>>bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which
>>>>>way
>>>>>right
>>>>>there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
dad is
>>>>>boiling,
>>>>>but still, total silence.
>>>>>
>>>>>All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to
rain.
>>>>>
>>>>>Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
>>>>>pocket.
>>>>>Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All
right,
>>>>>thats
>>>>>enough, I'll do the dishes!"

OUT!
Nov 17th, 2004, 11:46 PM
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full up.

darrinbaker00
Nov 17th, 2004, 11:54 PM
There were two preachers who met every Monday morning to discuss their sermons from the day before. One of them had a troubled look on his face.

"What's wrong?" the second preacher asked.

"Well, I ride my bicycle to church every Sunday," the first preacher replied, "and it was gone yesterday. I think someone from my congregation stole it."

"I know how you can get it back," the second preacher said. "Next Sunday, preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments, and put special emphasis on 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Whoever stole your bike should feel convicted enough to return it."

"That's a great idea," the first preacher said. "See you next Monday."

The next week, the two preachers got together at their usual spot. "How'd it go?" asked the second preacher.

"Well," the first preacher answered, "I did what you suggested. I preached on the Ten Commandments, and when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike."

Sabazius
Nov 18th, 2004, 12:43 AM
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and
the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him
why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to
ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When
you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be
Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am
single and I'm Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party."