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bionic71
Nov 10th, 2004, 09:08 AM
Once again we find ourselves at the end of a long year and once again the P.A.W tour culminates in L.A this week with the TOP 16 competitors battling out the TOUR CHAMPIONSHIPS. The event is even more exciting this year…..as the Number One ranking is within the grasp of most of the field. BIONIC72 (brother of Australian PAW player BIONIC71) takes a close look at the players that qualified and previews this extraordinary event.



(note: all players referred to as female - this is womens tennis afterall)



#1.HANTUCHOV (Brazil)

Flamboyent and fiery….the Brazilian and world No#1 enjoyed a sensational year on the P.A.W tour with tournament victories on the hardcourts of Indian Wells and Miami. On the crest of such success, Hantuchov displayed entrepreneurial ambition by opening a string of highly successful Bikini Waxing Salons throughout Eastern Europe. So successful were the salons that the P.A.W tour now has a mobile salon that travels to each event and attends to the needs of all competitors. Hantuchov will be keen to end the year with a tournament victory, however a silky smooth run is not guaranteed considering the depth of talent here this week.

#2. WTA HANDICAPPER (Great Britain)

Like a good red wine, Britains WTA HANDICAPPER appears to improve with the passing of time. After a less than inspiring first half of the year, “Handi” as she is affectionately known for her superb culinary skills, stunned the U.S OPEN field with a stellar performance to clinch the title. “Aside from being an outstanding player, Handi is definitely handy in the kitchen…and in many other areas around the house as well”…quipped Bionic71 at a recent press launch for the soon to be released cookbook titled P.A.W IN THE KITCHEN (remember that one for your Christmas stocking!). On the heels of the coveted top spot in the rankings… a good performance this week would “cap off” the year perfectly for this much loved competitor.

#3.SANDG (Indonesia)

#4.MYPAPA_JE (Indonesia)


Positions 3 and 4 are occupied by two talented Indonesian players. Repeating last years effort, SANDG once again qualifies in third position. An increase in off court P.A.W duties appearing to have little or no effect on the performances of the Indonesian champion who took out the clay event at Amelia Island and finished R/UP on three other occasions during the year. A tournament win in Charleston and R/UP finishes at Indian Wells and Stanford catapulted MYPAPA_JE into the highest realms of the Top 10. Newly appointed Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, is flying to the U.S to be at the Championships. The President, or “Bang Bang” as Sandg and Papa refer to him, is an avid tennis fan and has already offered both players a diplomatic post upon retirement.

#5.BBYPK (Spain)


Another superb year sees the Spanish Supernova BBYPK amongst the top group. Still a major celebrity at home, her position this week is justified by a R/UP finish at Wimbledon and a SF showing at the Australian Open. Known for throwing the wildest of parties, the most recent being a party in honour of Spanish film director Pedro Almodovar…... the lavish party, on a private yacht in San Sebastian was attended by Antonio Banderas and Queen Sofia amongst other notable guests. Although titleless this year, “BB” delivered some of the most consistent results on tour and looms as a serious threat this week.

#6.K&J FAN (Belgium)

Last year, Belgian K&J FAN qualified 16th for this event….this year she finishes 6th on the strength of two tournament victories (Antwerp and Berlin) and a string of SF and QF performances. The only question mark surrounding her results this year has been disappointing Grand Slam finishes….something she will be keen to reverse next year. Unlike her peers on the rival WTA TOUR…Henin and Clijsters…K&J appears to be in perfect health and is certainly capable of claiming the title.

#7. GHOSTS (Bulgaria)

After an extensive off-season program at the MANUELA & KATERINA MALEEVA TRAINING CAMP, the Bulgarian beauty GHOSTS enjoyed somewhat of a resurgence this year….echoed in her recent nomination for PAW COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR. A win in Luxembourg, R/UP finishes in Auckland, Memphis and Estorial and a SF appearance at the U.S OPEN cemented Ghosts amongst the Top 10 this year. The MALEEVA CAMP is hidden in the remote region of Bulgaria…rumoured to be somewhere near the Bachkovo Monastery. GHOSTS has indicated that she will return to the secret venue in December to prepare for the Australian Open.

#8. JE_ NE_ SAIS_ QUOI (Singapore)


In the running for most improved player this year….JE NE SAIS QUOI began the year ranked in 48th position and is currently placed 8th. R/UP at the Australian Open and QF finishes at Roland Garros and Wimbledon showcase the all court versatily of this often under-estimated player. Asked in a press conference recently why she remains without a major tournament win, she replied quietly “Je ne sais … mais il sera bientôt” (translated “I do not know….but it will be soon”.


#9. KIMCLIJSTERS4EVER (Belgium)


The Wimbledon champion takes her rightful place amongst this elite fields in 9th. position . A massive ranking leap into the Top 10 from #74 is indication of the progress made this year and confirms her nomination as COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR. A win this week would prove that the Wimbledon triumph earlier this year was not a fluke.


#10. KAFELEK (Poland)


Currently coached by former P.A.W #1 Wojtek, KAFELEK burst onto the P.A.W tour this year with final appearances in New Haven and Japan, SF finishes in Strasbourg and Montreal and a QF finish on grass at Wimbledon. Using her high profile and public speaking prowess, Kafelek was instrumental in Polands recent acceptance into the EU. Not afraid of the spotlight, this weeks event could provide this gifted Polska native with the stage she desires for her next great achievement.

#11.SPENCERCARLOS (Venezuela)

Venezuelan bombshell SPENCERCARLOS (formerly PETOSP) once again features amongst the final 16. Renowned for an endless array of brightly coloured and slighty risqué garments, this exquisite beauty is always a crowd pleaser. Last year it was noted that the South American had started her own fashion label called “Bombshell”…this year, Bombshell clothing was part of Milan Fashion Week, where Spencercarlos took to the catwalk and modeled the full range single handedly. Reviews of the show were mixed and not without controversy as some of the clothing mysteriously vanished in transit…..accusations of sabotage and jealousy followed, with the Williams sisters (high profile players from the rival WTA TOUR) under suspicion. The case continues as we speak…..

#12.BIONIC71 (Australia)

The seemingly ageless Australian BIONIC71 once again qualified for the event via a combination of consistency and an indoor season surge in the later part of the year. After a title-less 2003 season, 2004 proved a fruitful one as she claimed two hardcourt titles (Hobart and Stanford) and returned to the Top 10 in the later stages of the year. Her year was not without controversy however…with her mid- season training seriously hindered by a stalking incident, which contributed to a dismal U.S OPEN performance. The stalker, identified as a falsified Christian lunatic with contradictory Swiss and New Zealand citizenship, was finally apprehended. Upon advice from a mystery mentor….bionic sought professional assistance and spiritual guidance at the PANOVA PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY (as she did last year for an unrelated issue). A one week stay in the ZVONAREVA WING of the specialist facilty saw “bionic” return to the courts for a productive indoor season that cemented her rightful place amongst the final 16.


#13.GEOFFRY (Belgium)

The Australian Open title in January was captured by the extraordinarily talented GEOFFRY. When you consider it was only her third P.A.W tour event of her career the achievement is even more outstanding. Proving to be no “one hit wonder”, Geoffry followed up with wins in Acapulco and SF finishes in Bogota and S’Hertogenbosch. It appears that the Belgian native has a penchant for performing well in exotic locations. Unfortunately L.A is not known for its exoticism and may not provide the environment or stimulation required for Geoffry to deliver another stand-out performance.

#14.AIDAN (Australia)



A cancelled wedding and the pressure of pending examinations played havoc with the season of former #1 SPIKEYAIDANM despite an early tour victory indoors in Paris. Now playing under an abbreviated name, AIDAN maintained a Top 5 ranking for most of the year….only falling out of the Top 10 last week.. Rumored to be undergoing a radical new-age fitness regime in preparation for the approaching Aussie summer circuit, Aidan will be keen to re-establish herself amongst the Top 10….and given the proven versatility of this talented player this should only be a matter of time.


#15.PINTAILED (Australia)

A missed flight, an undisclosed “incident” at customs and a late arrival in Philadelphia left the final 16 chances of PINTAILED in serious jeopardy. Unable to compete “Pin” was left to watch proceedings from the sidelines and hope that the gods were feeling generous. A QF finish at Wimbledon and solid SF appearances in Rome, Beijing, Luxembourg, Hobart and Miami highlights the young Australians versatility across all surfaces. Eager to brush aside last weeks potential catastrophe, and the only player to have had a weeks rest leading into the event….Pintailed will be a serious threat.


#16.ANDREW U.K (Great Britian)

The delightful ANDREW UK rounds off this years participants. Giving up a successful pop music career last year to pursue P.A.W glory was a risky decision that paid dividends. “ANDYS” recently returned to the recording studio to add vocals to the soon to be released charity single DO THEY KNOW ITS CHRISTMAS? along with other pop starlets - Emma Bunton, Natasha Bedingfeild and Jamelia. This multi- skilled talent will certainly provide the L.A crowds with an entertaining display.



(this work is entirely ficticious.........no malice intended.....all in good fun....enjoy)

ghosts
Nov 10th, 2004, 09:29 AM
good work, bionic71 :D
well done :yeah:

WTA Handicapper
Nov 10th, 2004, 09:29 AM
Bloody Fantastic work of Art Shane!

Je_ne_sais_quoi
Nov 10th, 2004, 09:34 AM
Brilliant!:bounce: :D

bbypk
Nov 10th, 2004, 12:02 PM
LOL!!!!

So funny bionic

K&J fan
Nov 10th, 2004, 12:55 PM
:lol: :lol:

:yeah: :p

köj-è
Nov 10th, 2004, 01:06 PM
lmao at susilo "bang bang" yudhoyono.. ;)

andrew_uk
Nov 10th, 2004, 01:30 PM
I was actually laughing out loud at these profiles! I never knew Hantuchov opened a bikini waxing salon :haha: :lol:

Brilliant article Shane, without a doubt the most funnyest PAW article I've ever seen :) :wavey:

Hantuchov
Nov 10th, 2004, 02:48 PM
WD bionic! :yeah: ;)

Very funny and great article! :worship:

SpikeyAidanm
Nov 11th, 2004, 06:33 AM
Panova :lol:

a very good read.

bionic71
Nov 11th, 2004, 08:59 AM
Glad you liked it guys n dolls!
Although I got a strange bad rep from someone called CHEVINA???? Go figure!

Hayato
Nov 11th, 2004, 09:18 AM
Fantastic! i never would have thought of some of these ideas ;) :lol:


great job bionic :yeah:

Hachiko
Nov 11th, 2004, 09:21 AM
Glad you liked it guys n dolls!
Although I got a strange bad rep from someone called CHEVINA???? Go figure!

Chevina = Masha.
I gave you good rep but I dont have 50 posts so the rep comes out grey.
It is a good rep not a bad rep!

bionic71
Nov 11th, 2004, 10:33 AM
Chevina = Masha.
I gave you good rep but I dont have 50 posts so the rep comes out grey.
It is a good rep not a bad rep!
Oh Masha!
My mistake....ooops...

saab95
Nov 11th, 2004, 10:41 AM
:yeah:
How creative paw players can be! :clap2:

HotSpot
Nov 17th, 2004, 05:00 AM
what a great article !! ... :)

SpikeyAidanm
Nov 3rd, 2005, 12:17 AM
only 5-7 players who qualified last year will qualify this year, interesting!

bionic71
Nov 4th, 2005, 11:45 AM
PAW WTA CHAMPIONSHIPS 2005 PREVIEW COMING SOON................