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View Full Version : Fantastic satire piece on the election!Must ee for all sane posters! (Non republican)


Philbo
Nov 8th, 2004, 05:11 AM
This is a pretend concession speech by Adam Felber,NPR comedian and author of one of my favorite political blogs. He's been jokingly referring to his candidacy for years now, and this about sums up my feelings about the election better than anything I've seen so far.

>The transcription is below, but if you're interested
>the blog is:

>http://felbers.net/mt/ (http://felbers.net/mt/)

Concession Speech

>[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps

>up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are

>heard.]

>

>

>My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have

>spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to

>offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of

>garments]

>

>I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people.

>Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue,

>you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really

>special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use

>it to describe those kids who ride the short school

>bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating

>pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

>

>I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's

>pretty powerful stuff, and I di dn't see it. So let me

>take a moment to congratulate the President's

>strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on

>the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well,

>that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain

>kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number

>of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as

>their biggest issue, those people changed history. The

>folks who consider same sex marriage a more important

>issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd

>have thought the election would belong to them? Well,

>Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.

>[Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.

>

>I concede that I put too much faith in America's

>youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President,

>with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war

>you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to

>pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow

>managed to sit on your asses and w atch the Cartoon

>Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the

>day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage

>that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do.

>[Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.

>

>There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that

>now is the time for healing, to bring the nation

>together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night,

>I watched the returns come in with some friends here

>in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began

>to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state /

>blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue

>states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this

>country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red

>states receive the majority of the money from those

>taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue

>states are the only ones who've been attacked by

>foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung

>ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states

>produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily

>each day, while you in the red states show open

>disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians

>are the actual victims and targets of the war on

>terror, while red state civilians are the ones

>standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it

>on!"

>

>More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that

>Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm

>impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters

>who might die in this war know it's not true, the

>people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to

>attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no

>risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession

>speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

>

>Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the

>people who subsidize you, the people who speak in

>glowing and respectful terms abo ut the heartland of

>America while that heartland insults and excoriates

>us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear.

>And you refused to give it to us, largely because of

>your high moral values. You knew better: America

>doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the

>burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need

>to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got

>a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic,

>unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay

>the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a

>vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally

>inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your

>values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is

>that for 20 years, we've done just that.

>

>It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a

>joke all the same.

>

>Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury -

>as well as conceding the election today, I am also

>announcing m y candidacy for President in 2008. [Wild applause,

>screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.

>

>And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next

>time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run

>with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents

>that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of

>liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media

>elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will

>not pretend that the simple folk of America know just

>as much as the people who devote their lives to

>serving and studying the nation and the world. They

>don't.

>

>So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008,

>America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed

>yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you

>redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads.

>Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help

>your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Than k you, and may

>God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every

>one of you.

>

>[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL

>BACK to reveal the rest of the stage, the row of

>cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and the empty

>field beyond.]

Philbo
Nov 8th, 2004, 05:12 AM
Fucking brilliant!!

This gives hope to us in the rest of the world asking 'how could america do it'?

Philbo
Nov 8th, 2004, 05:33 AM
40% of Bush voters still think Hussein and 9/11 have a connection...Now you know why so many people from outside USA really do see small town americans as one hell of a stupid, uneducated group of people.

Crazy Canuck
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:01 AM
Cute. I was amused for the 20 seconds or so that it took to skim it.

However, Czechfan, just remember that stupid, uneducated people exist everywhere... not just in small town USA, but in my backyard and yours ;)

Bacardi
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:07 AM
Thank you Czechfan, I enjoyed that.

I had a discussion similar to a large part of what that speech was about the other day. I pity those people in NY and CA and the larger urban areas that voted for Kerry. Because it is true, those are the states that are attacked the most, and yet they had the good common sense enough to demand a change. Too bad the rest of the country couldn't do that. I would hope if there was going to be a terrorist attack in the future, it's right at the white house or maybe on a ranch in Texas. But that's only wishful thinking.

I really enjoyed the post thou Czechfan! :wavey:

Philbo
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:08 AM
Thanks for the lecture Crazy Canuck ;) But imo they are more numerous in small town america.

Bacardi
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:09 AM
I wonder if someone went and started proclaiming that God talked to them, and managed to fake some miracles like walking on plexi glass placed over water. And told the public, while writing a book God told them to overthrow Bush, or we're all going to hell, if that would do any good?

Cuz you know, those bible thumpers are about as dumb as a bag of rocks. ;)

Philbo
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:09 AM
:) bacardi - BTW - Love your signature :)

Bacardi
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:12 AM
:wavey: Czechfan. Apparently here in the USA, even if you knocked half the workers out of their jobs, cost them their retirement social security, and sent their kids off to die in the war, as long as you were opposed to Gay marriage, abortion, and said 'God' was on your side, you'd be elected.

I wonder how long before those small town people in Ohio figure out that morals isn't going to be putting food on the table once they are all laid off?

Crazy Canuck
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:12 AM
Being extremely religious and being intelligent are not mutually exclusive, you know.

Bacardi
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:17 AM
Being extremely religious and being intelligent are not mutually exclusive, you know.

True, but if you get any of those Christian TV Channels up in Canada you'd laugh about what I was saying. Do you get TBN? Or that Pat Robertson guy? Both of them were blaming Kerry for, basically the end of the world. And people went out and voted as they were told. This entire Christian thing is out of hand. I think that movie 'The Passions' had a lot to do with it. Ever since then, I can't go anywhere without someone pushing religion down my throat. We'd be better off if it wasn't allowed on TV, theatres, or anything else.

Justeenium
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:29 AM
40% of Bush voters still think Hussein and 9/11 have a connection...Now you know why so many people from outside USA really do see small town americans as one hell of a stupid, uneducated group of people.
hmmmm, why was Iraq forced to pay the families of 9/11 compensation in a legal suit brought in the United States and upheld in the world court in Brussels?

Crazy Canuck
Nov 8th, 2004, 07:56 AM
Just for you two: http://fuckthesouth.com/

Philbo
Nov 8th, 2004, 09:45 PM
hmmmm, why was Iraq forced to pay the families of 9/11 compensation in a legal suit brought in the United States and upheld in the world court in Brussels?
Thats a good question..

But why have Rumsfeld and Bush both been forced into retractions about whether Hussein had connections with Al Queda?

Are you on of the 40%??? Fucking laughing my ass off at you on that one.

Justeenium
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:04 PM
Thats a good question..

.But you didn't answer it
But why have Rumsfeld and Bush both been forced into retractions about whether Hussein had connections with Al Queda?the government has to go by what the government says (9/11 report)
and you forgot Cheney.

Are you on of the 40%??? Fucking laughing my ass off at you on that oneI'm not saying Hussein was or was not behind it. Don't jump to conclusions asshat.

Philbo
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:38 PM
I dont know the answer to the question.. Care to enlighten us cockhead?

So what is your position? Was Hussein connected to 9/11 in your opinion or not?

Why dont you state where you stand? You post the question about hte World Court, which implies you think the 40% actually are onto something?

Come out and state your position asshole.

Crazy Canuck
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:57 PM
PST- you're having a discussion with a nut bag! Just so you know.

Did you check out my link or not? :p

Philbo
Nov 9th, 2004, 12:07 AM
I did Canuck and enjoyed it a lot!! Thanks for the link :)

Justeenium
Nov 9th, 2004, 12:45 AM
I dont know the answer to the question.. Care to enlighten us cockhead?

So what is your position? Was Hussein connected to 9/11 in your opinion or not?

Why dont you state where you stand? You post the question about hte World Court, which implies you think the 40% actually are onto something?

Come out and state your position asshole.
Why should I state my position on an issue with conflicting sources?

I am not sure either way so why should I say yes or no?

Justeenium
Nov 9th, 2004, 12:46 AM
PST- you're having a discussion with a nut bag! Just so you know.

Did you check out my link or not? :pkeep on trolling becca.

And I thought you were putting me on ignore?

Philbo
Nov 9th, 2004, 12:49 AM
Why should I state my position on an issue with conflicting sources?

I am not sure either way so why should I say yes or no?
You basically did state your position - you think there maybe the possibility of a link between Hussein and Al queda... Being not sure about the issue is a direct admission that you believe there MIGHT be some truth to the claim...

You are a perfectly controlled drone of the Bush administration...Hook, line and sinker - they've got your mind. Pathetic.

Justeenium
Nov 9th, 2004, 01:01 AM
You basically did state your position - you think there maybe the possibility of a link between Hussein and Al queda... Being not sure about the issue is a direct admission that you believe there MIGHT be some truth to the claim...

You are a perfectly controlled drone of the Bush administration...Hook, line and sinker - they've got your mind. Pathetic.This post is full of bullshit, you've swallowed bush hating propaganda hook, line, and sinker if you think there's absolutely no possibility of any link.

Start reading sources even if they don't say what you want to read.

Philbo
Nov 9th, 2004, 01:20 AM
Justineenium....tssk tssk tssk... One of the sorry ass 40%.... *shaking head in utter disbelief and amazement at the gullibleness*

I was a SUPPORTER of the war until MULTIPLE investigations in Australia, UK, USA all came back with the findings that the intelligence that lead us there was faulty and there IS NO evidence of a link between Husein and 9/11 - being a supporter of the war initially - THOSE SOURCES WERE NOT WHAT I WANTED TO READ.

But you cant hide from the truth. But you are doing a good job of trying.

Justeenium
Nov 9th, 2004, 01:35 AM
Justineenium....tssk tssk tssk... One of the sorry ass 40%.... *shaking head in utter disbelief and amazement at the gullibleness*

.
moron, I never said I thought Hussein helped plan the 9/11 attacks. Stop putting words in my mouth asshat.


I was a SUPPORTER of the war until MULTIPLE investigations in Australia, UK, USA all came back with the findings that the intelligence that lead us there was faulty and there IS NO evidence of a link between Husein and 9/11 - being a supporter of the war initially - THOSE SOURCES WERE NOT WHAT I WANTED TO READ.

But you cant hide from the truth. But you are doing a good job of trying

I'm not sure you know this, but the federal government is not a hallmark for efficiency.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=%2Fnews%2F2003%2F04%2F27%2Fwalq27.x ml

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oil_for_food#Ties_to_international_terrorism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oil_fo...ional_terrorism)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,3604,314700,00.html (http://www.guardian.co.uk/internati...,314700,00.html)

http://www.washtimes.com/world/20030912-012437-3992r.htm (http://www.washtimes.com/world/2003...12437-3992r.htm)

http://tennessean.com/nation-world/archives/03/06/34908297.shtml?Element_ID=34908297

http://www.forward.com/issues/2003/03.06.20/news2.html (http://www.forward.com/issues/2003/03.06.20/news2.html)

http://www.intelmessages.org/Hack/ZKZ_Osama_and_Saddam_002.html (http://www.intelmessages.org/Hack/Z...Saddam_002.html)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oil_for_food (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oil_for_food)

Philbo
Nov 9th, 2004, 02:46 AM
moron, I never said I thought Hussein helped plan the 9/11 attacks. Stop putting words in my mouth asshat.
So why quote the world court? You are implying there is a link..

Taking the lead shown to you by Bush and Cheny (just mention Al Qaeda and Hussein the same speech and people will form the link between the two)...

Ive called you out - you cant even state an opinion on the issue...

Justeenium
Nov 9th, 2004, 02:56 AM
So why quote the world court? You are implying there is a link..

Taking the lead shown to you by Bush and Cheny (just mention Al Qaeda and Hussein the same speech and people will form the link between the two)...

Ive called you out - you cant even state an opinion on the issue...:retard: all you do is put words in my mouth.

It's not crystal clear that there is or is not a link.

Philbo
Nov 9th, 2004, 03:20 AM
Not crystal clear? Would Rumsfeld have had to backtrack on his claims there was link and lose political power if 'it wasnt crystal clear' there is no link??

Separate, independent investigatons in USA, UK, and Australia have all come back with the same findings... Thats enough for me. Obviously not for somoene who believes in the infallibleness of the GOP!!!

ptkten
Nov 9th, 2004, 03:36 AM
The only thing I disagree with in that article is that the youth didn't vote. While the percentage of 18-30 year olds who voted in comparison to other groups stayed the same, to say the turnout didn't improve is wrong. Voter turnout among the 18-30 age group went up from 43% to 52%. So over half of them voted, and that group was the only group that voted for Kerry, 60% to 40%.

Other than that, funny article :lol:

Volcana
Nov 9th, 2004, 04:43 AM
FEL-ber! FEL-ber! FEL-ber! FEL-ber! FEL-ber! FEL-ber! FEL-ber! FEL-ber!