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View Full Version : How Do You Remember A Loved One's Passing After Many Years?


AjdeNate!
Nov 7th, 2004, 09:00 PM
13 years ago today my grandpa died. And honestly, I no longer think of him everyday. That's sounds so horrible... I know. It's just been so long that I don't know.... But today I've just been thinking a lot about him and all he did and endured. And I'm just really touched to be related to him. I just wish I could remember more stuff about him.

Time tends to make the details sketchy and specifics not so specific. It's just sad that his life, in terms of my own, has lost some relevancy.

How do you remember your loved ones after such an amount of time has elapsed since their passing?

Monica@53
Nov 7th, 2004, 09:22 PM
I don't know whether this would sound rather wanky or not but I think keeping a journal might help, writing it of course as close to the event (in this case, your grandfather's passing) as possible. Writing down specifics, and also feelings, might help your recall and also helps you relive all the associated moments and feelings.

ßcoene
Nov 7th, 2004, 09:42 PM
My mother died 14 years ago. I was almost 8 years, but honestly I don't remember anything about her. I don't know if that's good or not. Off course I don't like that I don't remember anything but maybe it's easier for me.

Gallofa
Nov 7th, 2004, 10:17 PM
My mother died 9 years ago. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about her, or miss her. I dream about her very often, and truly, I wish I didn't.

Whoever said time helps to forget, lied.

Of course, I have forgotten things about her, but I also have a different feeling, I don't know, Athenaeum, maybe it is egocentric... you have forgotten things about your gradfather, I feel like I have lost my own past, my own memory. All of my childhood stories, all the details about my early life are gone with her, I have very little memory of myself and nobody to tell me stories about who or how I was.

So sometimes I think death steals the future, but also the past.

Bacardi
Nov 7th, 2004, 10:28 PM
My gf's dad died like 13 years ago... she still thinks of him everyday. There's pictures all over the house of him. It's sorta sad, everytime it gets close to the day he passed she gets really really depressed. But I think she has all good memories of him. Still sometimes I don't know how to talk to her about it, esp when it gets close to that time and she's depressed. :sad: She was 9 when she lost him :sad: Sometimes she even watches videos of him, and it's sad. She was such a daddy's girl, and they meant the world to each other.

I lost a very dear friend over a year and a half ago, and I still think of him all the time. However lately I can't bother to go sit by his grave as it makes me too sad. I at least know he's in a much better place, wherever that may be, and he's not having to endure the shit we're all going thru on this earth.

propi
Nov 8th, 2004, 05:26 AM
:hug:Nathan :hug:
I know it makes you feel bad when you no longer remember someone who used to be that important in your life... however you have to think that you gave all your support and your love to these people when it was important.
I remember to my relatives for example when I do things I used to do with them... after having lunch for example I used to chat with my father about news on TV... (we usually disagree about everything :o), every time before leaving home to go to Uni or so I used to kiss my parents... now when I do that kind of stuff with my mother I can't avoid thinking about him.
Also when important dates for them are close I think about... in a couple of days it will be 5 years since my father died... that makes me impossible not to think about him every year around this dates

The Crow
Nov 8th, 2004, 06:12 AM
Losing a grandparent is a whole lot different than lossing a parent, I guess. Both my grandfathers died quite some years ago and I surely don't think of them everyday. Just now and then I think about them (and some other people that died), and that's enough I feel. Now if one of my parents would die (or other close family/friends) I don't know what I would do/feel. I just hope it's not for the near future....

Dava
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:42 AM
Like other people have mentioned losing your grandparents is something totally diffrent to losing your parents. I still think of my Nan everyday, but its not like I think of her as dead, and try to remember her in that way. Ill just remember an event, or something we ddi together while she was alive and such like. I know I think of her often, its not something I keep talley over, I just know I remember her.

AjdeNate!
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:54 AM
I don't know about that necessarily for me specifically. For me, my grandpa was very much a father figure. I grew up hardly even knowing my father after we have to leave his abusive ways. So grandpa was very much the one to give my brother and I the advice and fatherly words that would help us grow as men. Sure he wasn't my dad, but he was the closest thing I had to ever having a dad at all. And that's why it's more saddening at times like this.

-cata-
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:55 AM
I think it depends on the kind of relationship you have with the person. In my case my granfather (on my dad's side of the family) past away when I was 12 but I hardly remember him, we didn't see eachother more than twice a year. Then my aunt died in 97' I was about 7 and I don't remember her everyday but I do remember, she was really close to my mom and I.

My grandmother (mom's side) died 2 years ago and there is never a day that passes by I don't think of her.

mandy7
Nov 8th, 2004, 12:00 PM
[color=navy]depends on how close you were with someone[/quote]

Andy T
Nov 8th, 2004, 12:57 PM
13 years ago today my grandpa died. And honestly, I no longer think of him everyday. That's sounds so horrible... I know. It's just been so long that I don't know.... But today I've just been thinking a lot about him and all he did and endured. And I'm just really touched to be related to him. I just wish I could remember more stuff about him.

Time tends to make the details sketchy and specifics not so specific. It's just sad that his life, in terms of my own, has lost some relevancy.

How do you remember your loved ones after such an amount of time has elapsed since their passing?
:hug:

This is very moving. My Dad died 9 years ago and my experience is very similar to those already expressed. Gallofa's comment touched me especially.

I think it depends a lot on the strength of the relationship when the person was alive. In your case, you have a lot of very positive memories and your grandfather is clearly always with you because he is a major role model and point of reference. You learned a lot from him - his achievements, his values, his example - and that is now a part of you which you express when you live your life and make your decisions. You carry his genes but you also carry a part of his spirit and just being aware of that is a good way to honour and remember him.

AjdeNate!
Nov 8th, 2004, 01:04 PM
that is now a part of you which you express when you live your life and make your decisions.
:hug:

Helen Lawson
Nov 8th, 2004, 03:04 PM
Leave flowers by their grave:

http://www.geocities.com/audrey_64063/gvh.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/audrey_64063/gvsiteb.jpg
~Flowers near the gravesite area~
http://www.geocities.com/clipart/pbi/hrules/Generic/yellow_back.gif

Poppy Corn
Nov 8th, 2004, 04:27 PM
Losing someone dear is a very sad thing
Poppy has known this terrible feeling
People say time heals, but it depends
Sometimes the pain doesn't wanna end

jean_genie
Nov 8th, 2004, 04:38 PM
I don't know about that necessarily for me specifically. For me, my grandpa was very much a father figure. I grew up hardly even knowing my father after we have to leave his abusive ways. So grandpa was very much the one to give my brother and I the advice and fatherly words that would help us grow as men. Sure he wasn't my dad, but he was the closest thing I had to ever having a dad at all. And that's why it's more saddening at times like this.

My grandfather was my father figure as well since my dad died when I was five in a car crash. He and I had the most special relationship and its been 16 years since he died and I don't think of him everyday but I still think of him often. I miss him everyday though and love him as always.

That you still think of your grandfather is the special thing between you two because you know that your parents and grandparents want to be remembered but they also want you to live your life, especially after they pass away. So don't feel bad about not letting thoughts of him dominate your daily routine, just know that he's tucked away there inside your heart where he'll be forever.

!<blocparty>!
Nov 8th, 2004, 04:39 PM
I'm really close to my grandparents on my mothers side so i'll be really really sad when the day finally comes for them.

On my fathers side, my grandad has been dead since i was born, and my other grandmother died 4 years ago. I remember her but not every day. I hardly ever think about her now, bad I know, but I hardly ever saw her.

I remember my great grandmother, and thin

Hulet
Nov 8th, 2004, 05:19 PM
I remember every detail of my father's - his voice, his face, his manner of speech, how he walked, how he adjusted his coat, how he laughed, etc. - but it has only been two years since he passed away. However, I haven't seen him for five years before he died and we weren't that close before that. It actually seems that, now that he passed away, I remember him now more than I did when he was alive, I definately dream about him more frequently these days.

darrinbaker00
Nov 8th, 2004, 08:21 PM
13 years ago today my grandpa died. And honestly, I no longer think of him everyday. That's sounds so horrible... I know. It's just been so long that I don't know.... But today I've just been thinking a lot about him and all he did and endured. And I'm just really touched to be related to him. I just wish I could remember more stuff about him.

Time tends to make the details sketchy and specifics not so specific. It's just sad that his life, in terms of my own, has lost some relevancy.

How do you remember your loved ones after such an amount of time has elapsed since their passing?
How old were you when he died? For instance, I was only six when my dad's mother died, so if I want to know something about her, I have to ask him. I remember a whole lot more about my maternal grandfather because (a) I was an adult when he died 10 years ago; (b) my parents divorced and he was the male authority figure in my life; and (c) I look just like he did when he was my age (39).

Which grandfather was it? If he was your mom's father, ask her about him; if he was your dad's father, ask him (if at all possible, of course). Older relatives on his side of the family should be able to fill in the blanks for you.

Above all else, my friend, try to remember how he lived. Try not to be sad. My mother told me before she died that if I couldn't smile when I thought of her, she'd rather I not think of her at all.

darren cahill
Nov 8th, 2004, 08:49 PM
wow, you all are so deep! I'm one of those who does believe (contrary to what one poster said) that time does heal old wounds. I often admire those who feel things so deeply and let these things trouble them or whatever but i've never been like that. Call it selfish or a defense mechanism or what have you. My sister feels things much more deeply than myself and sometimes i like that about her but often times i find it annoying cause i always feel shes trying to prove a point that she cares more about stuff than i do. and maybe she does, i just dont like to think about it!:lol: maybe no one really that close to me has died where it sends me reeling into the night? i've lost plenty of family members but i have never dreamt of any of them or really been completely MOVED by the experience and i guess reading this thread shows me i'm in a minority, but i've never been a reflective type or melancholy (spelling?) I always feel in competition with my sister cause shes the type who throws herself over the top of the coffin at a viewing or faints or pulls the biggest Sally Field in Steel Magnolias at the passing of a loved one and then talks about it till the cows come home...i'm more the cold hearted bitch pig like Shirley MClain....these things move me, i just dont talk about it or dwell on it. i knnow this means nothing to anyone, i just wanted to state my say thats all. But i love Nate with all my heart so i feel for his loss. hes always been a deeper person than myself....i'm about as deep as a piss puddle on the sidewalk...

time to go watch paris hilton...

sada sa!:wavey:

AjdeNate!
Nov 8th, 2004, 09:03 PM
I was 16. He was my mom's dad. The only living person on my dad's side is my dad and his sister. Grandparents on that side were already dead. It was him and my mom that raised me. He was all I had as far as a male figure in my life.

I'm not like depressively sad... just almost angry/upset that I can't remember the details that I want to anymore.

BritneySpearsIsHot
Nov 8th, 2004, 10:55 PM
I don't do alot different on the anniversaries than i do on a 'normal' day.

I think of my partner, daughter and mother every day and try to remember the good times.............i don't go a day without thoughts of them.

My partner died when we were both 15 (nearly 13 years now) and my daughter 5 years ago. My Mother died 2 1/2 years ago.

I was really close to my partner and still miss her today, 13 years on and my daughter. I see kids her age and that often makes me feel sad.

My Mum i wasn't close too, but she at the time was my only real family, apart from 2 distant Brothers and 1 distant sister, but ya mum is ya mum.

Now i have 7 sisters i am really really close too from my dads side of the family and i'm 12 days in to a new relationship - and i don't do relationships normally. She's a fantastic girl (posessive and overprotective though) but understands about all the people who have now passed away - infact today (8th Nov) was the anniversary of me and my partner agreeing to get married and she understands this.

Just remember the good times and be glad, someone special touched your life - and learn from them, use them as role models - i wouldn't be with the young lady i'm with today if my former partner hadn't told me "If anything ever happens to either of us, the other must find happiness again, but with someone who loves us for us and is worthy of being loved by us' By that she meant, no gold diggers or sluts ;)

Berlin_Calling
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:27 PM
I lost my grandfather a couple weeks ago on October 19, 2 days after the 8 year anniversary of my grandmother's death on October 17. I spent most of my childhood with my grandfather and grandmother, who took care of me when my parents always worked, so they were like parents to me. I was so unbelievably close to my grandfather, and I dont remember one time when he was ever mad at me. It came as such a shock for me, losing someone so close to me all of a sudden; one minute they are there, the next they are gone. But I am comforted knowing that my grandfather is now resting beside my grandmother, and I have faith that they are reunited once again in Heaven.

bionic71
Nov 8th, 2004, 11:34 PM
13 years ago today my grandpa died. And honestly, I no longer think of him everyday. That's sounds so horrible... I know. It's just been so long that I don't know.... But today I've just been thinking a lot about him and all he did and endured. And I'm just really touched to be related to him. I just wish I could remember more stuff about him.

Time tends to make the details sketchy and specifics not so specific. It's just sad that his life, in terms of my own, has lost some relevancy.

How do you remember your loved ones after such an amount of time has elapsed since their passing?
At 11 I lost 2 of my grandparents... (my fathers mother and my mums father)
At 17 I lost the other 2....(my fathers father and mums mum)

I remember them all very differently.
The first 2 are difficult to remember. Mums father was not a happy man...in fact he had a history of drinking and violence...I remember very little of him...most of my memories are of him in a nursing home, slighty bewildrered and incoherent at best. I actually have no emotional attachment to the man at all and I rarely think of him in a fond way.

My fathers mother is totally opposite. Of course the memories are fractured...as I was only 11.
I remember the hugs, the sweets and cakes and the fact that I was her favourite (or so I thought!). My parents were not allowed to punish me when nan was around...as I could do no wrong in her eyes.

I remember both of the grandparents I lost at 11 through childs eyes....the emotional responses to them are still very childlike....

In direct contrast, the memories of the grandparents I lost at 17 are much more vivid.

My mothers mum was a strong woman, despite her weak frame and a body tortured and deformed through years of severe osteo-arthritis. She was a independent woman who raised 7 children in a household dominated by an alcohol dependant and abusive husband. Her main priority in life was the protection of her children. She was bright and intelligent, despite little formal education. In her final years she lived with us at various intervals, as she was determined not to return to her apartment (an apartment she kept spotless and was proud of). One of my most vivid memories of my grandmother is when my mother called me into the bathroom to assist my grandmother out of the bath as she was in difficulty.....I remember her tiny twisted 86 yr old frame (notably her spine), ravaged by the insidious effects of osteo-arthritis and still cannot fathom how she coped with the obvious pain she was suffering....even as I type, the memory of her obvious pain brings tears to my eyes...pain she refused to let control her. She died peacefully in hospital during my final exams at high school....I never got to see her in her final days because she asked my mother to make sure I was at home studyng.
Each year in Feb I visit her grave...usually alone (although my partner has accompanied me twice in recent times). I sit with her for about half an hour and chat and cry.

She also new I gay....well before I had articulated it to any family member and although she never made any explicit reference to it I know...she was aware by tyhe time I was about 12.

The grandfather I lost the very same year, Dads father, was a knowledgable man. He was fascinated with ecology and nature....was into recycling well before his time, loved "modern" music as he called it and in his own words "hated being with old people". He lived on the beach, the house is still there and my parents now make it their permanent residence. The house stills has my grandfathers smell and a strength of presence that comes from the years of love and summer holidays that our family enjoyed at the beach house. He died after a brief battle with stomach cancer....it was horric to watch this robust energy filled man deteriorate into frail shadow of himself.

I would go on the most wonderful long walks with my pop...along miles of deserted beach or through lonely bush tracks...discussing poiltics, wildlife, history, tennis or just sitiing in a quiet spot and watching the wildlife. In rememberance I still do the same walks....sometimes alone, sometimes with my partner or my Dad and we share the same stories and shed a little tear along the way. I visited his cremation stone here in Sydney this weekend....and I find this to be a cold and innacurate representation of him...I much prefer to wander the same bush tracks we wandered through together some 15 years ago.

Oh dear...that went on for longer than expected.

Jeleno Benesovo
Nov 9th, 2004, 12:20 AM
I use to dream with them. Beautiful dreams.

Besides we celebrates "day of the dead's", so recently I shared (in the cemetery) a complete day with my beloved ones who passed away. Maybe for you it sounds strange to stay one day in the cemetary but it's normal in our culture. we clean and wash the tomb, we adorned it with flowers and candles and finally we share with them the music, food, drinks, cigars that they enjoyed while they were alive.

as long as somebody in our family keeps celebrating "day of the dead's" we(they) aren't going to forget them(us).

Mathijs
Nov 10th, 2004, 10:02 AM
I use to dream with them. Beautiful dreams.

Besides we celebrates "day of the dead's", so recently I shared (in the cemetery) a complete day with my beloved ones who passed away. Maybe for you it sounds strange to stay one day in the cemetary but it's normal in our culture. we clean and wash the tomb, we adorned it with flowers and candles and finally we share with them the music, food, drinks, cigars that they enjoyed while they were alive.

as long as somebody in our family keeps celebrating "day of the dead's" we(they) aren't going to forget them(us).Jeleno, :wavey:

i don't find it strange, it sounds serene and beautiful to respect your loved ones, we should do it also here, but it would never happen becuz of the culture.......