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View Full Version : "Court Wars: You Cannot Be Serious," A Tennis, Star Wars and Wizard of Oz parody


JennyS
Sep 30th, 2004, 02:37 PM
This is a parody of Star Wars and the Wizard of Oz, using tennis players in the place of popular characters from the movies. May the farce be with it.

Court Wars
Episode 4
You Cannot Be Serious

It is a period of curruption in the sport of tennis. Tennis players are about to be drafted by the evil Imperial Team Tennis Association (ITTA). The ITTA is about to make a secret deal with the WTA, ATP and ITF to force player participation. If successful, tennis's days as an individual sport will be numbered.

Unbeknownst to the ITTA, several Bothan spies managed to steal the ITTA's contract, which was about to be signed. These spies have given Jennifer Capriati the contract, which is safe inside a red binder.

Pursued by the ITTA's sinister agents, Jennifer races home
in her red Ferrari, custodian of the stolen plans that can save the sport of tennis and restore order to the galaxy...

EXT- a highway in Florida-Day

Jennifer Capriati is racing down the street in her red Ferrari, In the back seat of her car are Lindsay Davenport and Kim Clijsters. All of a sudden, two police officers, who are in cahoots with the ITTA, signal to Capriati to pull over.

Jen
Oh shit!

As the cops come over towards Jen's car, she hands over the red binder to Kim, who hides it in her bag.

Jen
Yes, is there a problem?

Cop
Miss, Capriati, I have been told by a certain Miss Billie Jean King, that you have a stolen red binder that she owns. I would like you do give them to me.

Jen
I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't have any red binder.

Cop
You are lying young fool, you are under arrest.

Jen
Hey, get your fucking hands off me you jerks!

Capriati is taken in the cop's car and driven away. Kim and Lindsay are now in possession of the red binder and decide to bring them to the wise Pam Shriver, who has recently started coaching World #1 Roger Federer.

Ext-Practice Court-Day

Kim and Lindsay see Roger and Pam training and call them over.

Pam
Yes, girls, what do you want?

Kim
Something terrible is happening, Pam. Bothan Spies stole this contract from Billie Jean King's desk and gave them to Jen. Billie's made a deal with the tennis governing bodies that will force all of us to play for the Imperial Team Tennis Association!!!!!

Lindsay Yeah, and they're going to get rid of all the tournaments that we all love. What could be worse than this? If this contract is signed, Billie Jean will now be the commissioner of tennis and all of us will be forced to play as a team under her rules!

Pam
We have got to stop her. I have a bad feeling about this!

Roger
I think we should organize a big rebellion and find away to convince the governing bodies not to sign. And we can hold onto the red binder and show it to all the players, nobody can stop us. We can threaten to go on strike if we have to. Without players, there's no tennis.

Kim
But what about Jen? We need to rescue her from jail first. I just got a call on my cell phone that Jen is now staying at the ITTA's Jail Cell, but she has no idea where it is!

Roger
Yes we should go rescue her. But first we're going to to find someone who knows where this place is. Does anyone know any Bothan Spies?

INT-ITTA Jail

Billie Jean King comes into the Jail cell.

Billie
Hello Jennifer, comfy?

Jen
Go to hell, bitch. I knew you were behind this arrest. I smelled your foul stench when I arrived.

Billie
Charming dear. You don't know how difficult it was for me to have you arrested.

Jen
I'm suprised you had the courage to do it yourself, dike.

Billie
Jen, the ITTA has now become the ultimate power in the tennis universe. No tennis governing body will dare oppose us now.

Jen
The more you tighten your grip Billie Goat, the more tennis players will slip through your fingers.

Billie
I don't think so. As soon as I recover that contract, I will have control over the tennis universe! Now tell me, who has the red binder

Jen
I'm not telling!

Billie
If you do not tell me who has the binder, I will force you to sleep with me!

Jen
Oh, I could beat the shit out of you! You're not getting near me.

Billie
Yes, but I could have you tied up.

Jen
Ew gross. Anything but that! Okay, I'll tell you.

Billie
Okay, I grow tired of asking, so this will be the last time. Who has the red binder.

Jen
Serena!

Billie
I knew you could be reasonable. Thank you!

And with that Billie Jean exits the chamber.

Jen sticks up her middle finger as Billie Jean exits.

TO BE CONTINUED

JennyS
Sep 30th, 2004, 05:51 PM
Here is the second half of the story:

EXT-Hooters-Day

Pam
You will never find a more reched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Pam and Roger go inside. Lindsay and Kim decide to wait in the parking lot.

Kim
I have a bad feeling about this.

INT-Hooters

Andy Roddick and Mardy Fish are hanging out at a table at hooters. Pam and Roger sit down.

Andy
What’s up?

Pam
Jennifer has given us Billie Jean King’s Red Binder with her evil contract. But she’s been taken captive by the ITTA.

Andy
You cannot be serious!

Pam
It’s true.

Roger
The Bothan Spies told us that you know where the headquarters are.

Andy
I do, indeed. But it’s going to cost you $10,000 all in advance.

Pam
Oh come on, Andy, that’s chump change, you can’t be serious now can you?

Andy
No, now let’s go.

INT-ITTA Meeting Room

Billie Jean King is holding her weekly meeting with the other members of the ITTA which include, the ITF President and the WTA and ATP CEO’s.

Billie Jean
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We will soon be the ultimate power in the tennis universe. My assistant, Chrissy Evert is on her way to Serena Williams’ house to retrieve the stolen contract and when she brings it back, we will all sign it!

Larry Scott
Why didn’t you just make extra copies of the contract?

Billie
I did, but the Bothan Spies destroyed it and destroyed my computer.

Mark Miles
Who the hell are Bothan Spies?

Billie Jean’s phone rings. Chris Evert is on the line.

Billie
Excuse me, for one moment. Yes? What the hell do you mean Serena doesn’t have the red binder? Damn it! I’m so stupid to have believed that Capriati girl! Damn it!!! She lied! She lied to us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s going to be sorry! Or my name isn’t Billie Jean King!!!!!!!

EXT-ITTA Headquarters
Andy and the gang have now arrived at the ITTA Headquarters. They sneak in through the back enterence.

INT-ITTA Headquarters
As they enter, several guards begin to chase them. They all start fighting the guards and suprisingly win easily. They then put on the guards’ uniforms as a disguise.

Andy
This way, guys!

INT-Jen’s Chamber

Jen is sitting down in her cell, bored out of her mind.

Jen
Man, this sucks! When the hell are they going to let me out? I’m so fucking bored! I want out of here. YOU CAN’T KEEP ME IN HERE FOREVER BILLIE JEAN KING! YOU’RE SO STUPID, NOBODY IS GOING TO PLAY FOR YOUR STUPID TEAM TENNIS ASSOCIATION! YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE IT UP!

The gang arrives. Jen sees them. The two guards stationed by Jen’s cell are tackled by Pam, and Lindsay. Kim grabs the key to the cell.

Jen
Hey! How the hell did you guys know I was here?

Andy
Let’s just say, I know a guy.

Jen
Cool, get me out of this dump!

Andy unlocks the door. The gang runs out the door. They make it out to the main lobby when all of a sudden Billie Jean King and several guards come in the room.

Billie Jean King
Well, well well! If it isn’t my future ITTA players!

Andy
We’ll never join you!

Billie Jean King
I don’t think so. Team tennis is the future of the sport. Teamwork is everything! Now give me that stinking red binder or I will have all of you put in the slammer!

Pam
Not so fast, Bille Jean.

The gang starts to run.

Billie
Guards! Seize them! Seize them!!!!!!!

They run around the building for several minutes, being chase by several guards. All of a sudden, they find themselves trapped

Billie
Well! Well! Well! I have you now. It is too late. Give me the red binder, or else, you are doomed!

Kim hands over the binder.

Billie
Yes! It’s mine again! HAHAHA! I will now be the most powerful ruler in all of tennis. Finally, Team Tennis will take over the.... (looks inside the binder). What the hell? Where did you put the contract?

Jennifer takes it out

Jennifer
I have it! She takes out a lighter and sets it on fire!!!!!!!

Billie
No!!!! It’s melting! Melting! Only a girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!
I will get revenge! You’ll see! Someday soon! The ITTA will strike back!!!!!!

Billie storms out of the building and drives away in her hummer. The gang celebrates their victory.

The end.

darrinbaker00
Sep 30th, 2004, 05:56 PM
After such a strong start, that's it? I want my $10 back! BOOOOO!!!! :mad:

Erdinger
Sep 30th, 2004, 08:45 PM
Thanks for the nice story, JennyS! :cool: I liked it. :)

But ...in her red Ferrari, In the back seat of her car are Lindsay Davenport and Kim Clijsters that's just :lol: Kim maybe, but The Tower of Power in the back of a Ferrari? I wanna see her seating position :tape: ;)