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Doc
May 30th, 2004, 01:26 AM
A fun thread for FICTION about tennis players interacting in the Locker room at RG. Any relation to reality is totally coincidental.


The Locker Room, Roland Garros, 2004.

Serena:(Towelling down) It's so bad.

Venus: What's bad?

Serena: My matches are over so quick I never get to stay on TV long enough for people to appreciate my fashions.

Venus: I'd have thought that was a good thing. Why can't you get yourself clothes the right size? The material in that dress is under so much stress it needs treatment with novocaine!

Mary P: My matches always last a good long time.

Jennifer: Yes. That's because it takes you twenty friggin minutes between each serve! You should serve like me.

Elena D: I do. It doesn't help. I'm down to 17% first serves some sets.

Jelena D: My serve isn't working too well either.

Serena: I didn't know you were here in Paris. I thought you'd pulled out.

Jennifer: She did - just after her latest First Round thrashing.

Jelena D: I just like to cut down on my hotel bills. Nowadays I never plan to stay more than one night at any tournament.

ELENA OPENS A LOCKER DOOR AND SCREAMS.

Mary P: What is it?

ELENA POINTS AS JUSTINE H. STAGGERS OUT OF THE LOCKER.

Justine H: Daylight. I feel so weak.. Must sit down.

Mary P: You look so pale. And what are those two red marks on your neck?

Justine H: (Feels her neck) I don't know.. I was just talking to Anastasia, and then I remember nothing...

Anastasia M: (Coming sheepishly out of Locker) The light! It is so harsh!

Elena D: What were you doing in that locker with Justine?

Anastasia M: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Elena D: Is that blood running down from the corner of your mouth?

Anastasia M: (Wipes it away and sucks her finger hungrily). No. Of course not, my children of the night. It's wine.

Anna P (enters) Hello Anastasia. I still feel so weak since our last meeting, with these cramps, but I got your message to meet you here. You were going to tell me about Transylvania...

Anastasia M: No. Not Transylvania. I don't come from Transylvania. Not even near there. I was going to talk about TASMANIA, next year. Will you play doubles?

Elena D: Look, Anna has those strange marks on her neck too. They look like bite marks.

Anastasia M: Nonsense. You need your eyes testing. Then you might be able to see the service line!

Anna P: No. You DID say Transylvania. You said you had a place in the forest there.

Anastasia M: No. That was PENNSYLVANIA - I own the whole place. Picked it up from my winnings in Moscow. I got lots of change too.

Venus: Ah. Here comes Meghann. She'll be able to sort this mess out.

Meghann S: How so?

Venus: Well if you can lose a set from 5-2 up, then you can do just about anything!

PointBlank
May 30th, 2004, 01:33 AM
:lol: .. but Elena was the lucky one against Anna not Nastya ;)

volta
May 30th, 2004, 01:40 AM
A fun thread for FICTION about tennis players interacting in the Locker room at RG. Any relation to reality is totally coincidental.


The Locker Room, Roland Garros, 2004.

Serena:(Towelling down) It's so bad.

Venus: What's bad?

Serena: My matches are over so quick I never get to stay on TV long enough for people to appreciate my fashions.

Venus: I'd have thought that was a good thing. Why can't you get yourself clothes the right size? The material in that dress is under so much stress it needs treatment with novocaine!

Mary P: My matches always last a good long time.

Jennifer: Yes. That's because it takes you twenty friggin minutes between each serve! You should serve like me.

Elena D: I do. It doesn't help. I'm down to 17% first serves some sets.

Jelena D: My serve isn't working too well either.

Serena: I didn't know you were here in Paris. I thought you'd pulled out.

Jennifer: She did - just after her latest First Round thrashing.

Jelena D: I just like to cut down on my hotel bills. Nowadays I never plan to stay more than one night at any tournament.

ELENA OPENS A LOCKER DOOR AND SCREAMS.

Mary P: What is it?

ELENA POINTS AS JUSTINE H. STAGGERS OUT OF THE LOCKER.

Justine H: Daylight. I feel so weak.. Must sit down.

Mary P: You look so pale. And what are those two red marks on your neck?

Justine H: (Feels her neck) I don't know.. I was just talking to Anastasia, and then I remember nothing...

Anastasia M: (Coming sheepishly out of Locker) The light! It is so harsh!

Elena D: What were you doing in that locker with Justine?

Anastasia M: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Elena D: Is that blood running down from the corner of your mouth?

Anastasia M: (Wipes it away and sucks her finger hungrily). No. Of course not, my children of the night. It's wine.

Anna P (enters) Hello Anastasia. I still feel so weak since our last meeting, with these cramps, but I got your message to meet you here. You were going to tell me about Transylvania...

Anastasia M: No. Not Transylvania. I don't come from Transylvania. Not even near there. I was going to talk about TASMANIA, next year. Will you play doubles?

Elena D: Look, Anna has those strange marks on her neck too. They look like bite marks.

Anastasia M: Nonsense. You need your eyes testing. Then you might be able to see the service line!

Anna P: No. You DID say Transylvania. You said you had a place in the forest there.

Anastasia M: No. That was PENNSYLVANIA - I own the whole place. Picked it up from my winnings in Moscow. I got lots of change too.

Venus: Ah. Here comes Meghann. She'll be able to sort this mess out.

Meghann S: How so?

Venus: Well if you can lose a set from 5-2 up, then you can do just about anything!
this is one of the f**ing funniest things that i ever read in my life. if you made this yourself man you rock you are a genius. this is my fav part :
"Jennifer: Yes. That's because it takes you twenty friggin minutes between each serve! You should serve like me.

Elena D: I do. It doesn't help. I'm down to 17% first serves some sets.

Jelena D: My serve isn't working too well either.

Serena: I didn't know you were here in Paris. I thought you'd pulled out.

Jennifer: She did - just after her latest First Round thrashing."

faste5683
May 30th, 2004, 01:42 AM
:haha: Great stuff! So, it's been Count Myskina behind all Justine's problems, eh?

:wavey:

darrinbaker00
May 30th, 2004, 04:01 AM
A fun thread for FICTION about tennis players interacting in the Locker room at RG. Any relation to reality is totally coincidental.


The Locker Room, Roland Garros, 2004.

Serena:(Towelling down) It's so bad.

Venus: What's bad?

Serena: My matches are over so quick I never get to stay on TV long enough for people to appreciate my fashions.

Venus: I'd have thought that was a good thing. Why can't you get yourself clothes the right size? The material in that dress is under so much stress it needs treatment with novocaine!
:haha: :haha: :haha:
That would explain why Serena semi-tanked the second set today.....

Mariangelina
May 30th, 2004, 11:54 AM
:lol:

Lindsay: And then she served. And the ball went over the net. and I waaatched it... until I fell asleep. So she aced me.

Elena D: UDACHI!!! YAY!!!

Lindsay: My knee hurt, you little Russian skank!

Anastasia, Sveta, Masha, and Lena: WHAT???

Lindsay: Never mind.

Sesil K: Why, hello, underlings. Enjoy your last year of French Open glory.

Serena: Hey, junior, I think the middle school is that way. Grrr... just how hard IS it to adjust a tiara? Stupid CHEAP thing! I only paid $500 for it! I knew I should have bought the one with the warranty! And the colur was a shade off my outfit anyway. It was more cerise than magenta... or should I have gone the other way and got a silver-

Venus: Serena?

Serena: Yeah?

Venus: Please shut up.

Serena: Make me.

Venus: I saw you behind the concession stand at Amelia Island with-

Serena: I'll be quiet.

Marlene: Hi.

Lindsay: Who are you?

Marlene: Why, I'm Marlene Weingartner. (hands Lindsay brochure intitled
The Lives, Times, Tennis, SAT scores, Favourite Foods, and Musical Accomplishment of Marlene Weingartner)

Lindsay: Wayne-gartner?

Marlene: VINE-gartner.

Magdalena: Who the heck are you?

Marlene: Read the brochure, and you'll find out. The commentators are loving them, just in case I advance to the final and they have to talk about me.

Paola: HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Marlene: Shaddup.

Jen: Oh yeah. I, like, remember when that, you know, Mary Joe Fernandez-

Lindsay: CLARISA Fernandez, Jen.

Jen: Whatever. Well, she gave me one of those brochures and yeah.

Amélie: AU SECOURS!

Lindsay: What is it?

Amélie: Les Français! If I lose I will be DISMEMBERED! Zey will deport me to Oklahoma! Zey will make me pose nude for Paris Match! Zey-

Serena: After they dismember you? That wouldn't be very sexy.

Amélie: AVANT! Oh mon Dieu, let some scaffolding fall on me and break my ankle. I cannot go out there!

Lindsay: Oh, it's okay. The worst that can happen is you'll lose.

Amélie:EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Venus: Nice one, Lindsay.

Marlene: But enough about me, now let's talk about my ambitions.

Sesil: Shaddup.

lolas
May 30th, 2004, 12:17 PM
:haha:

!<blocparty>!
May 30th, 2004, 12:32 PM
Pamela Shriver: Hey ho's, u all heard about moi?

Girls: No!

Pamela Shriver: After much thought and consideration, I have decised to follow in Navvies footsteps and attempt a Wimbledon comback.

(some girls, including Daniela Hantuchova, shirek in horror)

JuJu: For sure, we don't want another 70 year olds on this tour, **** *** you cripple.

Shriver: Oh, hey, hows the hand?

(JuJu and Shriver have a bitch fight on the floor)

Stevenson walks in

Alex: You lot still playing on the dirt, I have far better things to do.

(Matinez comes out of the shower naked)

Conchi: Get the hell out of here, only girls who win matches are allowed in here. OUT, or ill give you all a sample of my pole dancing. Danieela can be the "Pole".

(All the girls, exept Raymond, who sticks her tongue out, scream and run off)

peanuts
May 30th, 2004, 12:44 PM
:lol:

!<blocparty>!
May 30th, 2004, 12:55 PM
Lindsay to Elena: Nice win today, your serve has improved a lot, but no offence like, you wudnt have had a hope in hell of beating me fully fit today.

Elena: Oh, yeah, sure, like you were injured in Amelia island that time.

Lindsay: Listen here, you shut your gob, or this whole 6ft 2ins and a half will shut it for u, u smelly russian.

(Lindsay walkes off leaving Elena gobsmacked)

Serena to Myskina: Nice teath

Myskina: Almost as nice as your outfit, and take it from me, it really is an "Out" "Fit".

Venus: Don't diss my sister ho.

Maria: Shut it tablecloth, or ill dish you out another defeat.

I would do more, but the grand Prix is on!

xr6turbo
May 30th, 2004, 02:10 PM
Pamela Shriver: Hey ho's, u all heard about moi?

Girls: No!

Pamela Shriver: After much thought and consideration, I have decised to follow in Navvies footsteps and attempt a Wimbledon comback.

(some girls, including Daniela Hantuchova, shirek in horror)

JuJu: For sure, we don't want another 70 year olds on this tour, **** *** you cripple.

Shriver: Oh, hey, hows the hand?

(JuJu and Shriver have a bitch fight on the floor)

Stevenson walks in

Alex: You lot still playing on the dirt, I have far better things to do.

(Matinez comes out of the shower naked)

Conchi: Get the hell out of here, only girls who win matches are allowed in here. OUT, or ill give you all a sample of my pole dancing. Danieela can be the "Pole".

(All the girls, exept Raymond, who sticks her tongue out, scream and run off)

:tape: :haha:

esquímaux
May 30th, 2004, 02:19 PM
:haha: Oh dear goodness!!! TOO FUNNY *fell off chair dead* :lol:

WAYNE-GARTNER!!! :rolls: I used to think that was how you pronounced it too :awww: "Conchita steps out the shower naked* :haha::lol::haha::lol: Now that would warrant another, "disgusting bitch" quote :lol:

Doc
May 31st, 2004, 04:08 AM
Anastasia M: (Stares) Look into my eyes. You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Svetlana K: I... am... going... to... lose.. You.. are.. invincible..

Anastasia M: (Clicks fingers) Okay. You can wake up now.

Svetlana K: (Looks startled) Oh! Where am I? Hello Nasty.

Anastasia M: I am NOT Nasty!

Lindsay D: That's not what your coach says. Last time I saw him, he was saying that you were a bad tempered, foul-mouthed, n...

Anastasia M: Shaddup! You're next on my list. (Storms out)

Lindsay D: That thing Anastasia was doing. I need to try that. Hey Elena!

ELENA D APPROACHES

Lindsay D: Look into my eyes.

Elena D: Why? Have you got a squint?

Lindsay D: No! Just do as I say, dammit!

Elena D: Okay. But my Mum warned me about this sort of thing.

Lindsay D: Look into my eyes.

Elena D: You already said that.

Lindsay D: Okay. Just look at me and repeat: You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Elena D: (Stares) You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Lindsay D: I... am... going... to.. lose... You.. are.. invincible...

Elena D: I've got no more time for this. (stands) I have to practice my 2nd serve. Perhaps I could keep my eyes open when I hit it...

Maria S (enters): Hello everyone. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful tournament. What a wonderful world! It's really so great being here and playing so well. I could just kiss everyone. You know I really think I could go all the way this time. I've got so much confidence and self-belief, you know? If I don't lose, I can't be defeated. Or is it the other way round. Anyway I'm just so excited I could...

Everyone: Shaddup!!

faste5683
May 31st, 2004, 12:15 PM
:haha:

Can't get enough...

:wavey:

watrat
May 31st, 2004, 12:41 PM
Doc and Sphenx, great thread and posts!!!!!:bowdown:
Keep them comming, pls!!! :bounce: :bounce:
Wanna do more :haha::haha::haha:

watrat
May 31st, 2004, 12:46 PM
Ups, ment Doc and Mariangelina. :angel:

SJW
May 31st, 2004, 12:46 PM
:haha::haha::bowdown:

charmedRic
May 31st, 2004, 01:31 PM
Lmao

Bright Red
May 31st, 2004, 05:07 PM
Serena and Maria Sharapova are engaged in a heated debate at the front of the line for showers:

Serena: I know you don't think you're going to win the whole thing!

Sharapova: Honey please, didn't you know? The only way I won't win is if I lose.

Serena: Are you retarded, b!t(#?? Duh, that's so obvious. That's the case for anyone on the tour...except for me, of course. You see, I win even when I lose-which is NEVER.

Sharapova: You never win?

Serena: I never lose.

Sharapova: Oh my bad, I could have sworn that just about this time last year Justine "handed" you a loss. Speak of the devil...

(Justine staggers to the front of the line looking sickly with one hand on her stomach and the back of the other hand on her forehead as if she has a fever)

Serena: (to Justine) Just where in the h#!! do you think you're going?

Justine: In zair (pointing to the showers while making her hand look arthritic).

Serena: Don't you see us all standing in line?

Justine: (drooling as she speaks) But I am sick.

Sharapova: (with the utmost conviction) But you wouldn't be sick if you were healthy.

Justine: No kidding, Sherlock? Did someone drop you on your head as a child? I am sick (still drooling).

Serena: Nice try, heffa. Your injury timeouts and the thingey you do with your hand may fool those dumb@$$ umpires and judges. But you ain't on court. So why don't you wipe your mouth and scoot.

Justine: Au revoir (starts heading back to the end of the line but not before noticing Kim skipping to the head of the line). Is Kim being allowed to cut line?

Serena: Yes. While I am deeply honored that she dyed her hair to match my new French Open collection, my obligations as a custodian of fashion won't let me look the other way to such a blatant offense. Magenta just doesn't go with her and I suggested that she wash it out pronto.

Justine: But she is fooling you. She is taking zee "Toxic choke treatment".

Serena: You mean toxic shock treatment.

Justine: No. Choke Treatment. She is receiving therapy to help her overcome choking against me in zee Grand Slam finals. Zee side effect is it turns her hair pink and it does not wash out.

Serena: (thinking to herself): I wonder if that's why Venus' hair is starting to turn purple:tape:

Serena: (to Kim): Is this true?

Kim gives Serena a nervous grin and without saying a word turns right around and skips to the end of the line but not before giving Justine the finger and an evil stare. Right away, another player starts walking to the front of the line.

Justine: That takes care of Kim, but what about her? Is she also being allowed to cut line? And who is she anyway? And why is she so...how do you say...full of figure?

Serena: Yes, she's being allowed to cut line. Her name is Myriam Casanova, and she has a thyroid problem so don't make fun of her weight. Besides, real women have curves.

Justine: But why does she get to cut zee line? It is not fair;) .

Serena: She gets to cut because she joins me in the rare group of unfortunate players who received harsh or otherwise unfair treatment by the crowd or umpire during a match at RG. I know how it feels, and all you want to do afterwards is get the h#!! out of France. She shouldn't be made to wait in line.

Justine: Unfair treatment;) ? But who held her hand up against her?

Serena: Well her situation is a little different than ours, and to be honest, she did play a role in it, unlike me in mine. It's a little different.

Sharapova: Yes, it had to be different because it wasn't the same.

Justine: What does that mean?

Serena: It means there was no hand involved. Basically, Casanova was struggling in the third round, and...I don't really know how it happened. But I guess she heard that Safin made it through a really tough match by mooning his opponent. Maybe that's what possessed her to moon her opponent. And the umpire penalized her.

Justine: I don't see what's so unfair about that. You're not supposed to moon anyone. Besides, Safin was also penalized.

Serena: Agreed, but Safin was penalized only one point. Casanova was penalized an entire set.

Justine: Ooh, I see. That was unfair.

Sharapova: Not really. Safin was wearing underwear.:tape:

WorldWar24
May 31st, 2004, 05:14 PM
Sharapova: Honey please, didn't you know? The only way I won't win is if I lose.


Sharapova: (with the utmost conviction) But you wouldn't be sick if you were healthy.

Sharapova: Yes, it had to be different because it wasn't the same.



:haha:

FanDeJen
May 31st, 2004, 05:51 PM
:lol: the last one is good

Vass22
May 31st, 2004, 06:34 PM
:haha: :haha: I like the Lindsay- Dementieva hypnosis thing.

Bright Red
May 31st, 2004, 08:23 PM
I love these threads! All of them are funny, but here are a few that had me rolling.

Serena:(Towelling down) It's so bad.

Venus: What's bad?

Serena: My matches are over so quick I never get to stay on TV long enough for people to appreciate my fashions.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Venus: Serena?

Serena: Yeah?

Venus: Please shut up.

Serena: Make me.

Venus: I saw you behind the concession stand at Amelia Island with-

Serena: I'll be quiet.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Marlene: Hi.

Lindsay: Who are you?

Marlene: Why, I'm Marlene Weingartner. (hands Lindsay brochure intitled
The Lives, Times, Tennis, SAT scores, Favourite Foods, and Musical Accomplishment of Marlene Weingartner)

Lindsay: Wayne-gartner?

Marlene: VINE-gartner.

:lol: :lol: :lol::lol:

ELENA D APPROACHES

Lindsay D: Look into my eyes.

Elena D: Why? Have you got a squint?

Lindsay D: No! Just do as I say, dammit!

Elena D: Okay. But my Mum warned me about this sort of thing.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Lindsay D: Look into my eyes.

Elena D: You already said that.

Lindsay D: Okay. Just look at me and repeat: You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Elena D: (Stares) You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Lindsay D: I... am... going... to.. lose... You.. are.. invincible...
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

WorldWar24
May 31st, 2004, 09:33 PM
Maria S (enters): Hello everyone. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful tournament. What a wonderful world! It's really so great being here and playing so well. I could just kiss everyone. You know I really think I could go all the way this time. I've got so much confidence and self-belief, you know? If I don't lose, I can't be defeated. Or is it the other way round. Anyway I'm just so excited I could...

Everyone: Shaddup!!

:D

wongqks
Jun 3rd, 2004, 01:49 PM
bump

mandy7
Jun 3rd, 2004, 02:19 PM
i loved the i'm NOT NASTY part :lol:

samn
Jun 3rd, 2004, 03:54 PM
I can't believe no one's thought of having Justine rile Serena with the juvenile "Talk to the hand" taunt :)

Junex
Jun 3rd, 2004, 04:13 PM
more!!!!