View Full Version : Unbelievable Shinobu "Barbie-Butcher" Asagoe Interview!

samantha l
Aug 25th, 2003, 10:44 AM
All I can say about this is that all the match results are accurate...


by Samantha Lying


"I HATE Barbie!" shrieks Shinobu Asagoe.

The outburst is a shock, transforming the friendly features of this up-and-coming tennis star into a fierce snarl. Just as quickly, normalcy is restored and she covers her mouth, laughing apologetically:

"Sorry, Samantha-san, we are taught to vent our fury at Satsujin-Barbie school."


Asagoe has recently become the most high-profile member of the Satsujin-Barbie (Murder-Barbie) cult, a growing Japanese sect that reputedly rejects what its members see as corrupting Western values.

"That is a misunderstanding; we are not reactionary," corrects Asagoe. "We embrace modernism but, to traditional Japanese, Western values are emetic. (I had to look that up: it means vomit-inducing. Asagoe studied English in school; she is a good student) So, the negative feelings one gets must be diverted somewhere...in our case, towards the ultimate symbol of Western decadence -- the Barbie doll."

It is this focusing of rage that, tennis analysts believe, has enabled Asagoe to record her best-ever year in 2003. Although struggling against "normal" people, she has staged an unbroken string of upsets of highly-touted players who conform to a certain image...


It began in January in Australia, where Asagoe was matched up against respected veteran Barbara Schett in the Hobart QF.

"The sun is very bright in Australia and I had to keep squinting my eyes. I found that when I did so Barbara-san kind of looked like Barbie. The samurai spirit swelled in my soul and I vowed to not only defeat her, but send her career into a tailspin."

Her success in Hobart gave her confidence going into the Australian Open -- she lost first round to Virginia Ruano-Pascual, who does not look like Barbie.

February brought a match-up with rising Russian Elena Dementieva.

"I successfully recovered my killer mindset when I saw her. Her distinctive squeak-screams of frustration reminded me of the squeaking noises created when I pull the limbs off dolls. Honorable Barbie-conquest was mine."

A fallow period followed with an early loss in Miami to Venus Williams ("I tried to think of her as the Black Barbie, but I looked at her face and thought, 'Who am I kidding?'") and a first round exit at the French Open courtesy of Lisa Raymond ("I tried squinting as hard as I could but there was no way I could picture Lisa-san as a Barbie doll.")

Salvation came on the lawns of England's grass courts, where "Barbie-Butcher" cemented her reputation.

First came Birmingham and an early match-up with Russian giant Elena Bovina.

"I took one look at her and knew achieving Barbie-rage would be no problem. She was so shocked by my ferocity she was ill for weeks!"

Asagoe moved through to the semi-finals against teen sensation Maria Sharapova.

"The players were getting more and more Barbie-ish; it was unbelievable. You know those screams she makes that she's not aware of? Those are repressed memories of me surfacing every time she looks across a tennis court."

Next up was the finals versus Magdalena Maleeva.

"She's blond," sighs Asagoe, "but Maggie-as-Barbie was too big a stretch."

On to Wimbledon and her greatest triumph: a 2nd round defeat of Daniela Hantuchova.

"That was the most Barbie-ish Barbie-bitch yet! Her proportions and muscle mass were about perfect for a two-ounce plastic doll! I resolved to ruin her life."

Mission accomplished, she moved on to the hardcourt season (her favorite surface) where, regretably, she has struggled, meeting too many squat brunettes and therefore recording only a single match victory...against Els Callens.

"The first stage of ritual Barbie mutilation is shearing of the hair, so Els-san was close enough; my imagination is developing."

As she heads into the US Open is there anyone she particularly relishes the idea of running up against?

She licks her chops, "I would love to slap my goon hand down on that Dwarf Barbie -- especially on her home court, but realistically the best shot I have is, if I can make it to the 3rd round, I should get one of the two Barbies with the monster-fathers."

I remind her that her first round opponent is Maggie Maleeva.

She slumps...

"I will try and focus on her hair."

Aug 25th, 2003, 10:50 AM
LMAO! :lol:

The Crow
Aug 25th, 2003, 11:09 AM
lmfao :haha:

Aug 25th, 2003, 01:20 PM
just the title alone is priceless. may i repeat? >


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

auntie janie
Aug 25th, 2003, 01:25 PM
OMG!!!!!! This is BY FAR the most entertaining interview I have EVER read of any athlete!! :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

THANK YOU, samantha I!! :kiss:

Aug 25th, 2003, 01:47 PM
This article conjures up terrible stereotypes... but it's damn funny, so all's forgiven :) One question: Who's the Dwarf Barbie???

Mateo Mathieu
Aug 25th, 2003, 01:49 PM
LMAO!! :lol:

Go Shinobu!! :p

Aug 25th, 2003, 01:58 PM

Aug 25th, 2003, 02:09 PM
:rolleyes: :lol:

Aug 25th, 2003, 02:23 PM

Samantha, you're a first class comedian writer! I love it!

The Dwarf barbie might be Ashley Harkleroad ("especially on her home court").

auntie janie
Aug 25th, 2003, 03:00 PM
I hope we can look forward to more of the same from Ms Samantha Lying during the Open. SO much more fun than reading petty squabbles between overwrought fans of rival players! :):):)

Aug 25th, 2003, 03:17 PM
LMAO! Funniest thing yet!:D:D:D

Aug 25th, 2003, 03:23 PM
shinobu could sue you for defamation.

Aug 25th, 2003, 04:27 PM
Shinobu should pay you for raising her profile! :lol:

Mrs. Peel
Aug 25th, 2003, 04:39 PM
That was an awesome, hilarious article....Ms. Shinobu rocks...

Aug 25th, 2003, 04:44 PM

Aug 25th, 2003, 04:57 PM
Very very very funny :D!

Aug 25th, 2003, 05:06 PM

Aug 25th, 2003, 05:24 PM
Whoa…a little hate there. She is a little Barbie, herself, and benefits from the same thing in her culture and ours. She works it, too.

Time and intelligence will bring her a broader perspective. She'll see the parallels underneath and not the symbols on the surface. That's when she'll be able to define herself by what she is rather than by what she is not…or what she thinks she's not.

Until then, at least she's entertaining and I'll keep rooting for her.

auntie janie
Aug 25th, 2003, 05:35 PM
Bella, it's only a pretend article. :D

Aug 25th, 2003, 06:34 PM
Oh, good. I feel stupid. Should have read the reporter's name and the intro.

I wish there was real coverage like that. I'll be looking for more of Samantha Lying's work.

auntie janie
Aug 25th, 2003, 06:44 PM
Bella, I originally fell for it too, so don't feel bad! :)

Aug 25th, 2003, 08:25 PM
Lying should become Asagoe's agent and set up an exhibition with Kournikova. A match made in Barbie-hater heaven!

ex hopman
Aug 25th, 2003, 08:30 PM

Shinobu would love to read this...she'll love it for sure!!!


Aug 26th, 2003, 12:18 PM
That was so funny.

auntie janie
Aug 26th, 2003, 06:06 PM
I just heard that an unidentified man in the stands is calling Shinobu all kinds of awful names. Here's his picture!

auntie janie
Aug 26th, 2003, 06:07 PM
The previous post was copied from another message board. You can blame Tombeau if you die laughing!

Aug 26th, 2003, 06:08 PM
I just heard that an unidentified man in the stands is calling Shinobu all kinds of awful names. Here's his picture!

:lol: .

Run Shinobu, run !!!

auntie janie
Aug 26th, 2003, 06:14 PM
Run Shinobu, run !!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Aug 26th, 2003, 06:14 PM
That was the most Barbie-ish Barbie-bitch yet! Her proportions and muscle mass were about perfect for a two-ounce plastic doll! I resolved to ruin her life.

The person who wrote this is a comic genius. :haha: :haha:

auntie janie
Aug 26th, 2003, 06:28 PM
I hate to see this thread falling to page 2! We must keep it alive, so we can find out what happens next in the saga!! :eek:

And it's a great antidote to all the usual fussing on this board!! :worship:

Aug 26th, 2003, 06:33 PM
1. one down ...

Aug 26th, 2003, 06:36 PM
Shinobu strikies again

By superimposing the image of Barbie-san on Maggie Malleva's face Asagoe showed the Bulgarian the boot 6-4 6-3.

Aug 26th, 2003, 06:44 PM
i guess maggie should have dyed her hair black before the match! ;)

Mateo Mathieu
Aug 26th, 2003, 06:50 PM
Go Shinobu!! :yeah:

auntie janie
Aug 26th, 2003, 06:52 PM
Maggie didn't have a chance -- but KEN MIGHT AVENGE HER!!!!

samantha l
Aug 26th, 2003, 11:29 PM
Shinobu strikies again

By superimposing the image of Barbie-san on Maggie Malleva's face Asagoe showed the Bulgarian the boot 6-4 6-3.


by Samantha Lying


Coming off the court, Shinobu "Barbie-Butcher" Asagoe flashes me the biggest smile in tennis.

I congratulate her and remark on how she seemed to be "in the zone" today. How did she turn things around after such a poor summer season?

"The humidity here is very high. I sweated profusely and perspiration streamed off my forehead and into my eyes. I teared up and my vision became blurry -- all I could make out was that Barbie-scalp bobbing up and down against the blue backdrop; I did mention before that my imagination is developing!"

Sweat getting in her eyes could be a problem in future matches. Has she considered wearing a headband?

"Satsujin-Barbie code requires me to wear our seal on my headband. It's kind of like our 'colors' -- just like Haynes's hankie on her head is meant to trick people into believing she's actually a 'Crip' from Compton. However, I find that half my power comes from the fact that nobody notices my bizarre habit of spectacular Barbie-wins combined with poor squat-brunette results; it's best if it remains a secret."

Isn't doing these interviews counter-productive then?

"Where do you publish?"

Um, er, on an internet message board.

"Then nobody who matters will read it!"

Hmm, kind of a diss there but her smile is so disarming I decide it must have been unintentional.

I show her a photo of her next opponent and her smile widens:

"Close enough, and I'm thinking ahead to the 3rd round -- that will give me extra inspiration!"

Who would she prefer to face: Sullen & Defeated Barbie or Out-of-Shape Barbie?

"Both have gone through hard times, so whoever it is, I hope to reduce them to tears."

She gives me that endearing smile one last time as she's summoned off for another interview.

Cybelle Darkholme
Aug 26th, 2003, 11:52 PM
just because haynes wears a bandana to hold her hair in place and just because she is black does not mean she is trying to look like some thugged out crip gangbanger.

auntie janie
Aug 27th, 2003, 12:08 AM
I am proud of Shinobu! She was not distracted at all by Ken shouting at her from the stands! Her focus is unbelievable ever since she joined this cult. I wonder if other players are quietly approaching her to ask about joining?

Aug 27th, 2003, 12:36 AM

That's my girl. Smack those silicon asses for me!!!

Aug 28th, 2003, 05:10 PM
Go Shinobu :D! Get them all !

Cybelle Darkholme
Aug 28th, 2003, 07:54 PM
Shinobu Barbie Butcher Asagoe is about to strike again! Take down Garbin!

Aug 28th, 2003, 07:59 PM
Out-of-shape Barbie??? That's funny. Does Mattel know about this?

Aug 28th, 2003, 09:16 PM
Ass-kicking Asagoe Tears Tatiana

No doubt the honourable Samantha-sama will fill us in on the details :worship:

Gambare Shinobu. You are sugoi-desu :cool:

auntie janie
Aug 28th, 2003, 09:34 PM
Shinobu and her friend Nana also mercilessly beat down a Barbie doubles team! Nana has apparently applied for cult membership, but has to serve an apprenticeship and prove her ruinous intentions. She's on her way, as this match showed!

Aug 28th, 2003, 10:26 PM
Funny thing is, Nana dyes/has dyed her hair BLONDE!

auntie janie
Aug 28th, 2003, 10:31 PM
Funny thing is, Nana dyes/has dyed her hair BLONDE!

:eek: This may seriously hamper her advancement in the cult! Or it may be a hazing ritual she has to go through ...

samantha l
Aug 28th, 2003, 11:55 PM

by Samantha Lying


Shinobu Asagoe seems reserved, focused -- surprisingly unemotional after a hard-won 2nd round victory.

I ask her if she is thinking ahead to her next match, against veteran star Mary Pierce:

She nods, "This will be the ultimate challenge -- Barbie-sama is a formidable opponent."

Did you just call Pierce Barbie-sumo?!

"No, Barbie-sama; it is a formal honorific meant to denote respect AKA a cheap ploy to flatter someone and get what you want."

Why the special status for Pierce?

"Just like Grendel had a mother, so does the current Barbie Brigade. Barbie-sama was the first -- she is the Mother of All Barbies and this will be the Mother of All Barbie Battles....."

auntie janie
Aug 28th, 2003, 11:57 PM
:eek: Mary, you've been warned!!!!

Aug 29th, 2003, 03:41 PM
Busty-blonde Barbiesama vs. our very own Shinobu.

Aug 29th, 2003, 03:43 PM
The one problem with this funny article is Shinobu hardly speaks English!

Aug 29th, 2003, 04:39 PM
The mother of all barbies!! LOL!

Aug 29th, 2003, 05:00 PM
Did you just call Pierce Barbie-sumo?!


Cybelle Darkholme
Aug 29th, 2003, 05:11 PM
Wouldn't chris everet be the mother of all barbies? she was the original pinup girl for tennis.

Aug 29th, 2003, 06:28 PM
The mother of all Barbies-Pretty funny Cyb-you're right :)

LOl @SumoBarbie. This thread cracks me up.

Aug 30th, 2003, 11:00 PM
oh my god :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

masterpiece :worship:
too bad the mother of barbies is very mad :mad: and back from hell to get her.
she has to reproduce her daughter and go out of shape again. :lol:

Mateo Mathieu
Aug 30th, 2003, 11:23 PM
The Mother of All Barbies beat the Barbie Butcher 6-4 6-1!! :sad:

Aug 31st, 2003, 12:58 PM
Hahaha. This is so ridiculously funny. I love it!

Apparently, Suma Mama Barbie wasn't pleased with the Barbie-trashings Shinobu has done recently. ;)

auntie janie
Mar 11th, 2007, 01:58 AM
My favorite thread ever on wtaworld ...

Mar 11th, 2007, 03:01 AM
I miss Shinobu so much! :sobbing:

Mar 11th, 2007, 03:05 AM
Mary a Barbie...:( yes, if she wants... :rolleyes:

Mar 11th, 2007, 03:15 AM
lol probably one of the funniest threads ever

Mar 11th, 2007, 03:35 AM

Hysterical. Roasting Butchering parody of 6 tennis pet peeves at once. :worship:

Mar 11th, 2007, 10:38 AM
Thanks - nice to re-read this classic!:lol: