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Cassius
Jul 23rd, 2003, 02:53 AM
Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders and members of the media expressed concern Monday that President Bush has not been heard from for nearly five weeks. "I hope he's okay," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "It's just like him to go off on a fishing trip to Alaska or something and not tell anyone. Which is fine. I mean, he's the president and can do what he wants and all that, but we kind of need to wrap up this whole Liberia thing we started." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted that he was unclear about the president's whereabouts, but figured he must be "off somewhere busy with something."

Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Nearly one year after a car accident claimed the life of wife Sarah, Lloyd Monreal still misses having sex with her "more than I can say," the 44-year-old reported Tuesday. "Even now, every room in the house reminds me of the times we had sex in it," Monreal said, fighting back tears. "I don't care if 40 years go by. I'll never forget her breasts, her ass, those thighs." In honor of the anniversary, Monreal will eat a quiet dinner at home, after which he will take out a box of old photographs and perform a one-hour masturbation vigil by candlelight.

Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For
Possible Good Morning America Interview

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is reportedly bracing himself for a possible interview on Good Morning America. "God, Charles Gibson, that annoying weatherman with the wisecracks," a sweat- and urine-soaked Prichard said. "I pray Diane Sawyer doesn't ask me if I wanted to climb the Point 'because it was there.' I just would not be able to stomach that kind of inane chit-chat." Prichard then passed out from the intense pain.