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View Full Version : Locker Room Confrontations! ALL NEW & EVEN BETTER! Starring Lindsay, Jenn, Vee, 'Ree


c2
Jan 26th, 2003, 05:24 PM
(Location: dark, fancy restaurant.)

(PATTY SCHNYDER is at the desk, speaking to the hostess.)

Patty: Could I be seated? I’ve been here a while.
Hostess: Sorry… there are a lot of big tennis stars in here now.
Patty: But I’m a professional player! Maybe you’ve heard of me… I’m..
Hostess: Excuse me.

(Already seated are JENNIFER CAPRIATI and her brother.)

Jennifer: This tastes horrible.
Steven: You’re just made ‘cause Matthew Perry broke up with you.
Jennifer: Damn it! I’m mad cause of the Aussie, you idiot! I went out in the first round, remember? How come no one thinks I’m serious about my tennis? (Pats her stomach.) Besides, Matt got a little fat.

(in walk SERENA and VENUS WILLIAMS, overhearing Jennifer.)

Venus: That’s a laugh, coming from you-know-who! (giggles)
Jennifer: Bitch! F*** you! (jumps up and tries to hit Venus, missing badly)
Serena: (watching the wild swing.) Hmm, just like her game.
Jennifer; S***.. With the low light and my eye surgery, I can’t see a thing! Talk, B****, so I know where you are! (keeps swinging)

(in walk LINDSAY DAVENPORT and Mr. DAVEN-TO-BE.)

Hostess: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Davenport! Right this way.
Patty: Wait!

(LINDSAY walks over near JENNIFER’s table, flashing her big engagement ring. The bright flash temporarily lights up the room and blinds VENUS.)

Jennifer: There you are. Now hold still you black b****! (swings at Venus, grazing her nose.)
Venus: Yow Ming! That was close.
Serena: (suddenly talkin’ street)
‘Old up, bee-yotch! You don’t want me to go Compton on yo’ ass! I may live in Palm Beach, but I was raised in the PJ’s!! (Adopts a martial arts pose and prepares to fight JENNIFER.)
Steven: Hey hey hey… everyone just relax! C’mon Jennifer, you really don’t need this kind of press. (Pulls JENNIFER away, who is trying to hit the waiter now that the room is dark again.)

(AT another table sit KIM CLIJSTERS and LLEYTON HEWITT.)

Kim: Sorry about your loss, honey.
Lleyton: ‘Sawright, luv. Ah’ll be back. You’ll be back too, swee’ art.
Kim: (Glances at Serena.) All I know is I had blisters all over my feet—you didn’t see me calling for a medical timeout. No matter…Belgium uber alles.
Lleyton: Huh?
Kim: How can I say it… um .. Belgium ROOLS!
Lleyton: Oh! Got it. Speakin’ o’ losin’, a fella could sure use some serious consolation, if you know what I mean.
Kim: No, what?
Lleyton: Y’know… a massage.
Kim: (confused) A massage? Doesn’t your trainer do that?
Lleyton: No, no.. y’know, luv, a deep tissue massage. (winks.)
Kim: (still confused) Usually my English is very good, but..
Lleyton: Neva mind, luv, here’s John, I’ll ask ‘im.

(LLEYTON goes up to Mr. DAVEN-TO-BE.)

Lleyton: ‘ey Johnny-boy. ‘Ow are ya?
John: Fine, Lleyton, what’s up?
Lleyton: It’s my little lady over there. (waves at Kim.) She won’t… you know… take the plunge.
John: Huh? She won’t work out in the pool?
Lleyton: No, no, no..Christ—first ‘er, now you! Everyone around here acts like they’ve never had sex!
John: Well, we haven’t.
Lleyton: What?
John: Don’t you know Lindsay is the nicest girl on tour? She has her reputation to think of!
Lleyton: Christ A’mighty.
John: (after a pause)… I’m just bullsh****’ ya.
Lleyton: Whew! Ya had me goin’ there for a minute. What’s your secret?
John: C’mere. Now listen, and learn. (walks over and points to LINDSAY’S ring... LINDSAY is offering some anger management tips to JENNIFER.)

Lindsay:...then, I count to ten, and tell myself that the linesman is probably a nice person who just make an honest mistake...
Jennifer: That's effin amazing.

(Back to LLEYTON and JOHN)
Lleyton: Yeah, I know you’re engaged, but…
John: No… Listen. You want your girl to invest in you, right? To commit? Well you’ve got to invest in her first! You’ve got to put up to make sure she puts out. Get it?
Lleyton: ‘Oim right wid ya, mate. Besides, ‘Oim loaded!
John: That’s the spirit…you’ve got money to burn… and you don’t have to marry them! I just gave Lindsay the ring so she’d do the nasty!
Lleyton: F****’ brilliant, mate. ‘Anks a lot.. (looks at his watch.) Say, do you know any jewelry stores open after 9 PM? I’m kinda in a hurry…

(LINDSAY walks over.)

Lindsay: Did I hear something about investments? Are you giving him some banking tips?
John: Exactly, darling.
Lindsay: You’re so sweet.

(They kiss and sit down.)

(In walk MARTINA HINGIS and SERGIO GARCIA, right past PATTY SCHNYDER.)

Martina: I hope the lobster is better this time.
Sergio: Yes, pumpkin.

(After them, STEFFI GRAF and ANDRE AGASSI walk in, with their son JADEN.)

Martina: Not him again.
Sergio: Don’t you like kids?
Martina: I guess they’re OK, as long as my mom takes care of them.

(JADEN toddles over right near their table. Suddenly, from the direction of his pants, comes a sound….)

Jaden: FFFFFFffffffaaaaarrrrrttt!

Martina. (sniffs the air.) Oh my God. Did you hear that? Jaden just pooped his pants right here!! Garcon! Garcon!! I want this….this thing removed immediately!

(STEFFI & ANDRE walk up)

Steffi &Andre: What’s the problem?
Martina: Your son has a little something extra in his pants.
Andre: What’s wrong with that? He’s a baby.
Martina: Well, it stinks, for one, and I’m trying to eat for another! That smell does NOT go with blanched asparagus.
Steffi: I think it smells great, don’t you Andre?
Andre: Yes, Rosebud.

(They leave.)

Martina: They have a kid..and they go insane. Steffi used to be the most stuck-up girl on tour.. .now she thinks her son’s poop smells like perfume!

Patty: (still at the door)
Remind me to never get pregnant.

All: With that hair??!!

(END)

Elleke
Jan 26th, 2003, 05:32 PM
LoL :D

Tammy
Jan 26th, 2003, 05:44 PM
lol :)

M&M
Jan 26th, 2003, 05:55 PM
:Dlol:D

Come-on-kim
Jan 26th, 2003, 06:05 PM
LOL

veryborednow
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:03 PM
Old up, bee-yotch! You don’t want me to go Compton on yo’ ass! I may live in Palm Beach, but I was raised in the PJ’s!! (Adopts a martial arts pose and prepares to fight JENNIFER.)
I loooooooooooooooooved that :) !!!!

But why is Lleyton talking cockney? ;)

joaco
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:09 PM
hilarious, LOL :D :D

england_rules
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:10 PM
LOL :D

Havok
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:17 PM
too good

CJ07
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:21 PM
great great

Becool
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:32 PM
LMAO!!!

So funny!!!!!! :D

Maajken
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:32 PM
lmfao :D

Luna_Angel_84
Jan 26th, 2003, 08:36 PM
LMFAO, gotta love that! :D

gourownway
Jan 26th, 2003, 09:09 PM
very cute:D

Poor Patty...The lefty can't get no love!!:confused:

c2
Jan 26th, 2003, 09:42 PM
c'mon y'all, add your own confrontations.. that's what makes it fun! :D Everyone is too serious in here. .. ;)

and sorry about the cockney accent on Lleyton... I don't know how to do an aussie accent very well :)

Beat
Jan 26th, 2003, 10:19 PM
applause! applause! :D

liked the patty bits the best.

CoryAnnAvants#1
Jan 26th, 2003, 11:02 PM
(starring V, Serena, Jen, Martina N, Martina H, Monica Seles)

(Martina N is cradling her mixed trophy back in Florida at the Nasdaq-100)

Martina N: Mm-hmm, the old lady's still got it in her.
Venus: Hey, nice job on winning the mixed Martina. You know I wanted to be just like you growing up..well except for the whole lesbian part, but you know what I mean.
Martina N: Um, thanks, I think.
Venus: You know the only reason you won that is because myself or Serena didn't enter.
Martina N: Well no kidding. But let me have my fun anyway.

(Monica Seles walks in after defeating Klara Koukalova)
Monica: Gosh, it felt so good to beat that "B"
Serena: That what? Bee?
Monica: No. You know, b-i-t-c-h.
Serena: Oh you mean bitch.
Venus: Serena!
Serena: What's the big fucking deal, everybody fucking curses. Fuck-fuckiddy fuck fuck fuck.
Venus: Oh my lord!

(In walks Jen)
Jen: Hey what the fuck is up Serena?
Serena: Hey girl, how the fuck have you been?
Venus: Serena, you stop that right now!
Seles: Oh definitely, I mean gosh, what language.
Jen: Hey I mean I thought 'Ree and I had nothing in common, but you know, when I found out she cusses like a sailor, I thought like, "maybe she's not so bad"
Serena: I'm still a strict Jehovah's witness though.
Martina H: Oh puh-leeze!
Serena: Um, what the hell are you doing? I thought you retired.
Martina H: No, I'm freeing my mind and all my sexual aggression with Andy, Jan, James, Rainer, Younes, Alberto, paradorn, Mark, Sargis, Alex...
Seles: Oh gosh Martina, so much sex isn't good for you.
Martina H: So I'll decide when my ankle is ready or not.
Serena: Oh that is bullshit! You just don't want to come back because you don't want Venus or myself to kick your ass again!
Martina H: No it's because, well..SHUT UP! (storms off)

(Before Anna walks in the locker room, she is stopped by a reporter)
Reporter: How did it feel to win your first round match today?
Anna: What is a win?
Reporter: Um, you know, game set match Kournikova, onto the 2nd round.
Anna: OMG I WON? Wow! So THIS is what a win feels like! (walks into the locker room very happy)

Anna: OMG GUYS I WON!
Jen: Um, we've all done that this year.
Venus: Speak for yourself.
Jen: F*CK YOU!
Monica: Oh gosh guys, can't we all just get along?
Jen: Oh gosh, can't we all just drop 20 pounds..oh wait only Monica needs to.
Monica: Says the girl w/a plum pudding stomach.

(everyone starts cracking up)

Jen: You watch! As soon as I come back from eye surgery, you'll all be sorry. (walks right into the door). SHIT! (storms off)

CJ07
Jan 26th, 2003, 11:06 PM
that was great

especially the 20 pounds part.

more more!

barmaid
Jan 26th, 2003, 11:43 PM
Thanks C2, here is mine!:D

Back in the Locker Room:

Serena and Venus are in the far corner of the locker room, both wearing "tiaras":angel: ...Venus is busy cutting the strings off a basketball hoop...Ree: "Whatca doing Vee"? Vee - "I'm making a new hoop earring for myself"! Ree - "Sakes alive , ain't it a "tad" big?":rolleyes: Vee - "Nope, I like authentic jewellery":confused:

Jennifer falls down the stairs and groupes her way to the far corner of the locker room..."Hello, anybody there" she asks..
Vee and Ree pipe up "Yes, #1 and #2 are here!" And they proceed to jump up and do their famous twirl with one arm extended skyward!;)

Jennifer -" I thought this was a disco with all those lights sparkling!!":rolleyes:

Vee and Ree cup their hands to their mouth laughing..at Jennifer's mistake----"Hee! Hee!:D :D

Serena continues to heat her glue gun, putting shiny "spangles" on the crouch of her underpants!:p

Alexandra Stevenson enters.."Whats ya doing Ree" she asks:confused:

Ree - "I"m putting some glitter on my panties"!!:eek:

Alex - "Cheez nobody's going to see them there"!:cool:

Ree - "Yes, they will, I'm trimming my sarong-like skirt for my next tournament"!:confused:

Alex - "What's the purpose of that?!:confused:

Ree - "Well, I thought I might draw Mauresmo at the RG so I'd like to distract her if I could"!!:eek:

Ree - "Justine, why don't you let me make you a "sequenced bra top" or something...you ain't got nothing going for you girl"!!:sad:

Justine - Running up the stairs "No, thanks, that glue has got to your brain!!":rolleyes:

Suddenly there is a tremendous thunder of "hoof beats"!!

Jennifer - "What the f------ is that?"

Kim - "Is that Martina riding on a horse"?:confused:

Justine - "Yep! his name is Calvaro" and she spent an arm and a leg for him"!:drool:

Jennifer- "Well, she should have thrown in that "bum" ankle too!"

Daniela - "What's she doing with him? Trying to "lasso" a new boyfriend"?:confused:

Kim - "Too bad she couldn't bring him on the court, that's the only way she could "trample" the opposition!!":eek:

Justine -" Shhhhh! shes dismounting"!:bounce:

Martina walks over to the Williams sisters "Hi Vee, Hi! Ree" Congratulations on winning the AO Serena, too bad they "booed" you though!:sad: Vee, would you like to come for a ride? After your recent "tail spin" I could treat you to a "spin"on a tail (-ed one) HA! Martina made a funny!!":D

Jennifer - You'd better get that broken-down hag out of here before it "poops" and your "fraile" little body won't be able to lift a giant "pooper scooper" that ole nag is capable of unloading'!:fiery:

Martina - "Calvaro is a former champion like myself..how dare you insult him"!:(

Jennifer - "Yeah! right :rolleyes: You've got a lot in common - you both like a roll in the hay?":rolleyes:

Martina - "Come on Vee, jump on, its time to ride off"!!:)

Vee - Mounts horse - "I hope you are not asking me to be your "Tonto" Martina, I won't tolerate any racial connotations here!"

Both ride off with Martina protesting "Vee, you've got that "blinkedly blank" hoop earring all tangled up in my riding reins..how am I going to steer?!! (Let's out a string of Czech swear words from childhood @#%%&^*#@!):mad: :mad:




---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

xan
Jan 26th, 2003, 11:53 PM
Great Post!

And........

Back in the Locker Room/

Kim: I always prepare for my tournaments really well by playing long matches with Lleyton. It really improves my hitting.

Patty: Me and my partner did a lot of hitting too.

Kim: Yes. I'd like to speak to him again. Which jail is he in?

Serena: I prepare for my Grand Slam wins by laying round the house, watching TV and eating ice cream.

Jennifer: I do that! And also I like to PARTY!!! I thought I'd follow your training regimen. So how come I lost in the first round?

Serena: Do you copy everything I do?

Jennifer: (Produces notebook and pencil) Well there's the big muscles. Check. The bad fashion choices. Check. Scornful remarks to linespeople. Check. Long time-outs at critical points in the match. Check. Wild hitting off both wings. Check. Make sure I get booed by the crowd. Check. At least one double fault per game. Check.

Serena: What was that last one?

Jennifer: You don't do the double fault thing?

Serena: No. It's at least one ACE per game.

Jennifer: doh! (Hits head against wall)

Elena D: No it's me who does the double faults. I've got it up to two per game now.

Anna: I used to have that trouble. I was too stressed-up about my tennis then. But I solved that. Now I don't think about my tennis at all!

Daniela: Yes. Don't all those photo-shoots just take your mind right off tennis? And isn't Kate Moss just so fat this year? It's disgusting. Do you think I still need to lose some weight?

Venus: Girl. You're Anorexic!

Daniela: No. She lost in the first round of qualifying.

Justine enters: Hi Kim. Sad to see you choke in that match. You should have won.

Kim: I did NOT choke. Serena played unbelievable.

Jennifer: Yeah. She made some BLISTERing shots! (Everyone giggles)

Kim: Shut up! At least I've reached a level where I can challenge the sisters. The rest of you are wimps. And as for Martina. She daren't even show her face here....

DOOR OPENS: Did somebody mention my name?

Lindsay: It can't be the Queen....

Serena: I'm the queen.

Patty: I'm Swiss No 1 now...

Martina N. enters: Who cares about Switzerland? No. I am Queen. I will ALWAYS be the Queen. And now I'm back, more powerful than ever! I've thrashed that greek upstart Eleni, and now I will rule you all! Mwa ha hahaha!

1jackson2001
Jan 27th, 2003, 02:00 AM
LMAO to all the funny posts. :D You're just all too good. :worship:

Keep them coming. :drool:

joaco
Jan 27th, 2003, 02:12 AM
(In walks Jen. Jen: Hey what the fuck is up Serena?)
LMAO!!!:D

DutchieGirl
Jan 27th, 2003, 02:20 AM
Originally posted by veryborednow
I loooooooooooooooooved that :) !!!!

But why is Lleyton talking cockney? ;)

hehe I was thinking something along those lines when I read it too... "that's a really bad old English accent" ;) Aussie don't talk like that for Christs sake! ;)

Julz
Jan 27th, 2003, 02:46 AM
LMAO!
You guys had me in fits of laughter.
That was excellent!! ;)

lmoon1
Jan 27th, 2003, 03:33 AM
OMG This was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny. Especially the double faults part:o .

c2
Jan 27th, 2003, 07:04 AM
I already said in another post that I didn't know how to do "aussie" very well... If I get rich I'll go visit ;)

...but I'm poor so here in the US I stay... besides I'd like to see an Aussie or Brit do an authentic US accent... in PRINT that is!

c2
Jan 27th, 2003, 07:05 AM
Bradshaw, Barmaid & xan, great!! giggles all around...

c2
Jan 27th, 2003, 07:22 AM
Originally posted by c2
Bradshaw, Barmaid & xan, great!! giggles all around...

My favorites:
(barmaid)

Jennifer falls down the stairs and gropes her way to the far corner of the locker room..."Hello, anybody there" she asks..
Vee and Ree pipe up "Yes, #1 and #2 are here!" And they proceed to jump up and do their famous twirl with one arm extended skyward!

(xan)
Jennifer: (Produces notebook and pencil) Well there's the big muscles. Check. The bad fashion choices. Check. Scornful remarks to linespeople. Check. Long time-outs at critical points in the match. Check. Wild hitting off both wings. Check. Make sure I get booed by the crowd. Check. At least one double fault per game. Check.

Serena: What was that last one?

Jennifer: You don't do the double fault thing?

Serena: No. It's at least one ACE per game.

Jennifer: doh!

(Bradshaw)
Serena: That what? Bee?
Monica: No. You know, b-i-t-c-h.
Serena: Oh you mean bitch.
Venus: Serena!
Serena: What's the big fucking deal, everybody fucking curses. Fuck-fuckiddy fuck fuck fuck.
Venus: Oh my lord! :)


(barmaid)

Alexandra Stevenson enters.."Whats ya doing Ree" she asks

Ree - "I"m putting some glitter on my panties"!!

Alex - "Cheez nobody's going to see them there"!

Ree - "Yes, they will, I'm trimming my sarong-like skirt for my next tournament"!

Alex - "What's the purpose of that?!

Ree - "Well, I thought I might draw Mauresmo at the RG so I'd like to distract her if I could"!!

hahahahahahaha!! :)

keep it coming, peeps :D

HAIL-VENUS
Jan 27th, 2003, 08:15 AM
Funny posts. Here's mine:

(Serena and Kim in the locker room after AO semi's)

Serena (on cell phone): "yeah girl, I can't believe she tried to stop the "Serena Slam". That just goes to show how everyone out there's trying to beat me...ofcourse, I never thought I'd lose the mmm.." (cell phone cuts off) "oh fuck, I mean foo. The reception is terrible in here"

Kim: "yes, it is. Hey Serena, congratulations today. you were incredible. Just a real champion on and off the court. You're just amazing and it's my honor to be standing here beside you. You are such a modern day legend."

Serena: "uhm, thanks girl. You are sooooo sweet. And you played a good match too. I even think you were on your A game, but, ofcourse, I never thought I'd lose the match against you...so...I mean, you probably thought you had me beat. Girl you played your heart out, and still lost to me. You choked at so many crucial points in the game, but good match anyway and better luck next time. Well....not really. Isn't it just wonderful how you and I always seem to get along and have a good relationship off the court?"

Kim: "er, yes. I think so. Ok, I gotta go. I'm meeting Mary Jo and George for brunch. Cya."

(Kim leaves locker room. In walks Venus carrying a McDonald's sack)

Venus: "hey Serena, great comeback. I was really rooting for you out there."

Serena: "I don't know why, since I'll probably beat you in the fina...uhm, I mean...yeah, it's always tough playing against you Venus, because like in practise and stuff, I always wonder how I was ever able to win anything against you. Hehe. Do I smell McDonald's?"

Venus: "Yes, I thought you'd be hungry after the match, so I brought you some hamburgers, and a rhinestone covered sweater in case you were chilly."

( Jen enters)

Jen: *sniff**sniff*"oh, I smell McDonalds...it must be the Williams"

Serena: "hi Jen. Still having trouble with your vision?"

Jen: "what the fuck do you know from it? I can see just fine." (trips over bench in locker room) "who the fuck put that there?"

Venus (lifts bench out of Serena's way): "there you go little sister, a clear path to your locker."

Serena: "awww, thanks Vee, you're such a bitch...I mean peach."

Venus: "Serena, did you just curse?"

Serena: "when?"

Venus: "Just now"

Serena: "No, I don't remember that."

Jen: "Ha! You lying fucking slut. This sisterly love crap is getting on my fucking last nerve. I'm outta here." (bumps into Alexandra Stevenson on her way out the locker room)

Alex: "Ah..excuse you freak!!! I don't like being touched by girls...unless it's Venus, so get out of my way."

Jen: "fuck off bitch, nobody wants to screw you."

Serena: "what in the fuck...I mean, what in the world is Alex doing here?"

Venus: "Alex???? Oh, no...hide me."

Serena: "ha, hide you? Oh Venus, are you still seeking some sort of compensation for giving me your lunch money that time when we were kids, so that I wouldn't go hungry? Or is it for that one lung you miraculously survived without after donating it to me? If so, you should get over it already. Afterall...we DID just complete the Serena Slam, so you should stop asking me to do these inconceivable favors for you and be happy for what we've just achieved. Ok, I'm off to take a shower."

Venus: "oh Serena, you're right. I'm sorry for being so demanding."

(Serena comes to a puddle of water that seperates her and the shower stall)

Venus: "here...let me." (Venus politely lays down on top of the puddle/ Serena steps over her and into the shower stall)

Serena: "aw Vee, how can I ever repay you? Well...not really."

Beat
Jan 27th, 2003, 09:43 AM
Originally posted by xan
Anna: I used to have that trouble. I was too stressed-up about my tennis then. But I solved that. Now I don't think about my tennis at all!

:D LMAO! :D

Originally posted by HAIL-VENUS
Venus: "Alex???? Oh, no...hide me."


this one probably happened for real... :o ;)

sartrista7
Jan 27th, 2003, 11:59 AM
Patty: (still at the door)
Remind me to never get pregnant.

All: With that hair??!!

Reporter: How did it feel to win your first round match today?
Anna: What is a win?
Reporter: Um, you know, game set match Kournikova, onto the 2nd round

Elena D: No it's me who does the double faults. I've got it up to two per game now.

Alex: "Ah..excuse you freak!!! I don't like being touched by girls...unless it's Venus, so get out of my way."

very very very funny :D

DutchieGirl
Jan 27th, 2003, 01:23 PM
Originally posted by c2
I already said in another post that I didn't know how to do "aussie" very well... If I get rich I'll go visit ;)

...but I'm poor so here in the US I stay... besides I'd like to see an Aussie or Brit do an authentic US accent... in PRINT that is!

I wouldn't want to try! :p But then I never said I could do an US accent! :p

Messenger
Jan 27th, 2003, 03:10 PM
Poor Patty!

CC
Jan 27th, 2003, 03:33 PM
Very funny. Venus and Martina on a horse? You guys are weird. :D

Midnite Surfer
Jan 27th, 2003, 04:07 PM
The Williams Secret

Fade in:

Women's Locker Room Rod Laver Arena

Doctor: OK Miss Capriati. Read the letters on the second line.

Jennifer: A - C - L - F

Serena and Venus enter still sweating from a doubles match. They stop and observe Jennifer struggling to see the letters on the eye chart.

Venus (whispering) Try L - O - S - E - R.

Serena (Giggling) Or S - I - K - O

Venus stops laughing.

Venus (rolling her eyes) Serena. Psycho is spelled P- S - Y - C - h - O.

Serena: Oops.

Serena slaps her thigh so hard her rhinestones begin falling off

Serena: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Venus: Take it easy.

Jennifer: Hey could you two please keep it down?! I'm trying to fucking concentrate!!!

Amelie Mauresmo walks in wearing only a towel. It hangs precariously from her breasts.

Serena: Amelie what are you doing here? I thought you withdrew with an injury.

Amelie: Oui. Zat is true. But I still have ze shower privilages. Did I miss ze group shower?

Amelie's towel falls down enough to expose her breasts.

Amelie: Ooopsy daisy.

Serena: Holy shit!!

Jennifer: Listen. If you bitches don't shut up, I'm going to shut you up!

Serena: Look bitch. Oh I'm sorry. I mean listen bitch. You don't want none of this.

Justine Henin walks in unnoticed by the other girls.

Jennifer gets up and marches over to Serena.

Jennifer: Guess what?! I want a whole lot of that.

Jennifer and Serena start hopping around with their fists clinched.

Justine: Please. Sportsladies stop zis crazy dance fighting. There is no need for such behavior styles.

Jennifer punches Serena in the chest.

Serena: Ow my tit!!

Justine: Wow zat is exactly why I had mine removed.

Venus: OK that's it. It's on!!

Venus trys to grab Jennifer's hair but her hands slip free.

Venus: What the hell do you have in your hair?....Motor oil?

Jennifer: That's right. 10w-40 bitch. Bring it!

Serena pulls a hot glue gun out of the belt of her skirt.

Serena: OK bitches. Everybody just back the hell up before I pop a rhinestone in your ass.

Everyone puts their hands in the air. Amelie's towel drops to the floor.

Amelie: Wooooops...?

Jennifer(to Serena): You haven't got the guts.

Serena: Listen up! My sister and I are walking out of here with the doubles and singles trophies and you bitches had better not start any trouble. My blisters are killing me and I just want one of you hoes to give me a reason.

Venus starts emptying the lockers and filling hers and Serena's bags.

Justine: Wow these sisters really are tough.

Jennifer: Yeah. When Richard said they had to dodge bullets while practicing, I always assumed he meant from the gangs.

Fade Out

The End

c2
Jan 27th, 2003, 04:18 PM
good one midnite! I loved the Amelie & Justine bits ..

Justine: These sisters really are tough. :)

Amelie: Oui. Zat is true. But I still have ze shower privileges. Did I miss ze group shower?

heheheheheh :D


but no doubt inky will criticize the inaccurate french accent :p:p:p :eek::eek:;);)

Midnite Surfer
Jan 27th, 2003, 04:27 PM
Thanks C2 I had fun writing it.

c2
Jan 27th, 2003, 04:30 PM
Midnite I posted one of these last year that you can still find on a search if you want to... It was pretty good and a whole lot of people posted some good stuff. :)

barmaid
Jan 27th, 2003, 04:41 PM
My fave lines are:

c2

Jennifer S***..with the low light and my eye surgery, I can't see a thing! Talk B**** so I know where you are! (keeps swinging)

Martina - Well, it stinks for me and I'm trying to eat for another! That smell does NOT go with blanched asparagus!

Bradshaw#1

Martina H. - No, I'm freeing my mind and all my sexual agression with: Andy, Jan, James, Rainer, Younes, Alberto, paradorn, Mark, Snagis, Alex

xan

Daniela - Yes, don't all those phots-shoots just take your mind right off tennis? and isn't Kate Moss just so fat this year..its disgusting. Do you think I still need to lose some weight?

Venus - Girl, you're anorexic!

Daniela - No, she lost in the first round of qualifying.

HAIL VENUS

Venus, "Yes, I thought you'd be hungry after the match, so I brought you some hamburgers and a rhinestone covered sweater in case you were "chilly"!!

Spirit
Jan 27th, 2003, 05:07 PM
This is better than ESPN.

Cybelle Darkholme
Jan 27th, 2003, 05:15 PM
back in the locker room....

Kim, Justine, Lindsay, Jennifer, and Martina H. watch the ladies final on tv...

Kim: Go to the net! Go to the net!

Lindsay: (jumping up and down) Hit a backhand venus, a backhand!

Jenn: (squinting and whipping her head wildly) Like Whats going on? Who's winnin you know? Do we like have good seats?

Martina H: We are in the locker room, idiot. Why couldn't you have this surgery last year!

Jenn: fuck you and like your bum ankle too, you know? why the fuck are we like rooting for that lanky ho for anyway?

Lindsay: well serena is just winning way too much...

Martina: She must think she's me...

Lindsay: ...if she thought she was your we wouldn't be having this problem.

Kim: anyway venus is the only one who has been in a position to stop her so...

Jen: But like her ass has been like beat so bad I like had to call the police last time they played.

Kim: True but now we put a radio implant in venus' ear so we coach her during the match! (kim holds up the walkie talkie)

Martina snatches the walkie talkie from Kim..

Martina: Play like you played in the us open 99 semi!!!

Lindsay snatches the walkie talkie.

Lindsay: we want her to win!

Martina: whoops.

Lindsay: Venus, pretend its me your playing! You beat me all the time!

Kim: Look look shes going to win the second set!

Jen: like we wouldn't fucking have this like problem if you hadn't like choked that 4 game lead, you know?

Kim: I did not choke! I swallowed bitterly.

Martina: oh yes its always bitter when you swallow....

Everyone looks at martina.

Martina: um, uh, i mean thats what sergio always tells me...

Everyone's jaw drops open.

Jen: face it kimmie aussie kimmie girl you like choked the big one!

Kim: at least my career is not a whole big choke!

Jen: I like have grandslams beyatch!

Kim: yes the one I gave you because your daddie threatened my family.

Martina: and the first one was a gift but how did I know you would be stingy and ungrateful and win the next year? See what being good does..

Lindsay: will you all shut up venus needs us!

Heads turn to the television where venus' final shot goes long.

Lindsay: damn is it over that fast?

Jen: like beating that fucking tramp will be impossible now you know?

Martina: Well maybe now she will be satisfied and quit tennis! Then I shall make my big comeback and..

Lindsay: I thought you were hurt?

Martina: oh, yeah, right. ow, my ankle.

Kim: Martina you need to comeback right now. with your ranking you will be a hard first round opponent for serena.

Martina: I..I dont play first rounds! I get byes!

Jen: Ha, like the only bye you'll get is like serena blowing kisses to your ass after she kicks it like off the court, you know?

Martina: Don't make me call weingartner.

Jen: Argh! Where is she? Where is she? (Jen fumbles around the locker room swinging wildly) I'll get that qualifying bitch!

joaco
Jan 27th, 2003, 05:28 PM
Venus (whispering) Try L - O - S - E - R.
Serena (Giggling) Or S - I - K - O

Venus stops laughing.

Venus (rolling her eyes) Serena. Psycho is spelled P- S - Y - C - h - O.


LMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joaco

Cilla
Jan 27th, 2003, 06:22 PM
Patty: Me and my partner did a lot of hitting too.
Kim: Yes. I'd like to speak to him again. Which jail is he in?

lol :o :D Poor Patty....

Ma. Estefania
Jan 27th, 2003, 06:24 PM
Originally posted by Bradshaw#1
(Before Anna walks in the locker room, she is stopped by a reporter)
Reporter: How did it feel to win your first round match today?
Anna: What is a win?
Reporter: Um, you know, game set match Kournikova, onto the 2nd round.
Anna: OMG I WON? Wow! So THIS is what a win feels like! (walks into the locker room very happy)

LMAO! :bounce:

Ma. Estefania
Jan 27th, 2003, 06:32 PM
Originally posted by Midnite Surfer
Doctor: OK Miss Capriati. Read the letters on the second line.
Jennifer: A - C - L - F
Serena and Venus enter still sweating from a doubles match. They stop and observe Jennifer struggling to see the letters on the eye chart.
Venus (whispering) Try L - O - S - E - R.
Serena (Giggling) Or S - I - K - O
Venus stops laughing.
Venus (rolling her eyes) Serena. Psycho is spelled P- S - Y - C - h - O.
Serena: Oops.
Serena slaps her thigh so hard her rhinestones begin falling off

So damn funny!:devil:

Ryan
Jan 27th, 2003, 07:09 PM
Cybelle, a work of art:D I could barely breath while reading it.


Everyone else, lmfao as well, keep em coming. :D

Mitch01
Jan 27th, 2003, 08:09 PM
Midnite Surfer, that whole thing was priceless!!! :D I know I'm the third person to bring it up, but the spelling part was hilarious! Lmao! Good job everyone, these are sooo funny!!!

Rae Q.
Jan 27th, 2003, 08:17 PM
I know you guys are just joking and stuff but it's not cool at all making fun of Serena and Venus like that saying basically "smile so when can see you". :mad:

Ryan
Jan 27th, 2003, 09:04 PM
Originally posted by Rae Q.
I know you guys are just joking and stuff but it's not cool at all making fun of Serena and Venus like that saying basically "smile so when can see you". :mad:


What are you babbling about? This IS for fun like you said, and noone is taking it seriously. Venus and Serena? I HARDLY think they've been made fun of the most.

~ The Leopard ~
Jan 27th, 2003, 10:04 PM
I miss Amelie in these threads. :(

Midnite Surfer
Jan 27th, 2003, 10:16 PM
Actually, Venus and Serena are my faves. I was joking about how Serena always claims that Venus is the smart one.

mboyle
Jan 27th, 2003, 10:40 PM
Originally posted by Midnite Surfer
The Williams Secret

Jennifer punches Serena in the chest.

Serena: Ow my tit!!

Justine: Wow zat is exactly why I had mine removed.


Venus trys to grab Jennifer's hair but her hands slip free.

Venus: What the hell do you have in your hair?....Motor oil?

Jennifer: That's right. 10w-40 bitch. Bring it!

Serena pulls a hot glue gun out of the belt of her skirt.

Serena: OK bitches. Everybody just back the hell up before I pop a rhinestone in your ass.

Everyone puts their hands in the air. Amelie's towel drops to the floor.

Amelie: Wooooops...?

The End

This was the funniest of all IMHO:drool: :kiss: :p :wavey: :worship: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

WtaTour4Ever
Jan 27th, 2003, 10:51 PM
I found all of it hilarious ....keep them coming :-)

Spirit
Jan 27th, 2003, 11:13 PM
<Australian Open locker room, early in the tournament. Lots of women are there (but not Martina N.), some in various states of undress. A female Oz Open employee is in one corner applying a last-minute coat of paint to the repair job over the hole Martina H. put in the wall after the 2002 Final. Beside her is another female Oz Open employee standing on a ladder repairing an overhead light. Venus, Serena and Anna are playing cards.>

Anna: It’s really great that you two are helping me learn poker!

Venus: No problem. That’s what we’re here for, to help the rookies on the tour.

Anna: Rookie? But I’ve been playing tennis for…

<Anna starts counting on her fingers, then kicks off her sandals and starts counting her toes.>

Anna: Dammit, I lost count. I must start over.

Serena: Don’t worry about it. Let’s see what you’ve got.

<Anna shows her hand to Serena, who just shakes her head sadly.>

Serena: Sorry, Anna. You’ve got the 10 of Spades, the Jack of Spades, the Queen of Spades, the King of Spades, and the Ace of Spades.

<Anna looks wistful, just for a moment. Ace. Where has she heard that word before? Something she should be able to do…>

Serena (continuing): But as you can see, none of your cards match each other. It’s not a very good hand.

Anna: So what should I do?

<Serena pretends to think for a moment.>

Serena: Well, if I were you, I would bet as much as I could, to try to bluff us. Then fold.

Anna (smiling): Okey-dokey. I will do this.

<Anna does exactly as Serena has told her. Serena unveils her hand.>

Serena: A pair of threes. See, Anna? Because I have two cards which match, I win. Pairs are what you want to have. <She rakes in the several million dollars and the Omega Watch endorsement contract in the middle of the table.> Come to mommy!

<Alexandra Stevenson walks in, hoping to go unnoticed, but Serena and Venus spot her. They get up and approach her.>

Alexandra (nervously): Um…hi. What’s going on?

Venus: You know exactly what’s going on. You didn’t pay up at the US Open.

Serena: You know the rules. Give us your lunch money!

<Alexandra meekly hands over the money her mother gave her for lunch. Anastasia Myskina sees this and sighs.>

Anastasia: I wish I was in the Top 10. Then I wouldn’t have to hand over my lunch money to you every day.

Elena Dementieva: Me neither!

Magdalena Maleeva: Me neither!

JCap: Hey! I didn’t know the Top 10 was exempt from the fucking Lunch-Money-For-Number-One rule!

Venus: Sure. It’s always been that way, ever since Chrissie started it.

JCap: But you bitches shake me down for my lunch money every fucking day! I’m in the Top 10, Goddamit!

Serena: We know. But we include you just on general principle.

Venus (yelling to the whole locker room): That’s the way it is. We rule, and you pay!

<JCap begins turning red. Her fists slowly clench.>

<Anna attempts to shuffle the cards. They scatter everywhere. She looks around, hoping no one noticed. No one else looks at her, but only because they don’t care.>

<Ronald McDonald walks in.>

Ronald: Hey, Venus and Serena! Where have you been? You’re late for your fucking press call! After all the money we’ve paid you, you think you could buy a damned watch!

<All the undressed girls scream and cover themselves, except for JCap. She is still looking at the Williams sisters. She stands up, letting her towel fall.>

Ronald (to all the screaming women): Oh, grow up, I’ve seen it all before.

<Hamburglar opens the locker room door and peeks in. Ronald sees him and throws Serena’s shoe at him.>

Ronald: I told you to keep the car runnin’, you pervert!

<Hamburglar beats a hasty retreat. The shoe embeds itself in the wall.>

Ronald (to everyone in the room): He’s the one you need to watch out for.

Alexandra (to Ronald): You get out of here! This is a naked woman place!

Amelie: That’s why I’m here.

<JCap is the only one ignoring Ronald. Still staring at the Williams sisters, her face turns bright purple and steam comes out her ears.>

Ronald: Relax, I’m an asexual children’s icon, as harmless as a little lamb. You can all lower your towels, I’m not interested. <He gazes around the room.> Really, I’m…not…<His gaze comes to JCap standing topless.> All right! That’s more like it!

Chanda Rubin: You’re not an asexual children’s icon, you’re a stupid-looking creepy clown.

<JCap rushes right at Venus and Serena. The sisters calmly step apart. Serena doesn’t even look up, as she’s still counting Alexandra’s lunch money and the recent take from Anna. Unable to see properly, JCap punches Ronald McDonald in the face as hard as she can and knocks him on his ass. All the women in the locker room applaud, except for Anna, who is using the distraction to pick up the cards without being noticed.>

<Ronald McDonald slides across the floor and hits the ladder the electrician is standing on. Total wipe out. Still clutching a set of wires, she falls onto the woman painting the wall. They both fall right onto Ronald. All three are conveniently knocked unconscious immediately.>

<The paint, electricity, clown make-up, Ronald’s mutant genetic structure and a packet of Secret Sauce he has in his pocket all combine in a bizarre physical reaction, full of light and noise. This freak occurrence results in the opening of a gateway through the space-time continuum.>

<Anna begins dealing the cards. Very carefully. Everyone else looks at the energy whirlpool, swirling in mid-air in a cascade of psychedelic colors.>

Jelena Dokic: I’ve never seen anything like that before!

JCap (squinting): I don’t…think I’ve ever seen anything like that before.

Patty Schnyder (her eyes glazing over): I see things like this every day! It’s a sign from the little elves in my bosom that it’s time for my threesome!

<Anna picks up her hand. Out of the whirlpool of energy step Chris Evert and Martina Navratilova, from 20 years ago.>

Venus: Wow!

Serena: Wow!

JCap: Wow!

Lindsay: Wow!

Maggie: Wow!

Elena: Wow!

Chanda: Wow!

Anna: Hey! I got a great pair!

Amelie: You certainly do, sweetheart. You certainly do.

<Past-Chrissie and Past-Martina are confused.>

Past-Chrissie: Where are we? What happened?

Monica (remaining perfectly calm): You stepped through a wormhole in the space/time continuum, to a point approximately 20 years in your own future. As should be obvious to anybody, really.

<Everyone turns and looks at Monica, who just shrugs and goes back to her book on Zen-Buddhism – that she’s writing.>

Past-Martina N.: So this is the future? Wow. <She sees Serena counting people’s lunch money.> I see not that much has changed.

<At that moment, Martina N. from the present walks into the locker room. In a scene blatantly lifted from Back to the Future, she and her younger self suddenly come face to face with each other. They yell at the same time:>

Past-Martina N.: “I’m old!”

Present-Martina N.: “I’m young!”

<They both faint. Martina H. smirks a Chucky smile and throws a cup of water on both of them. They slowly begin to revive.>

Past-Chrissie (with pride): So, in the future, are all my records still intact?

Serena (folding her arms and looking at the ceiling): Hah!

Past-Chrissie (her face falling): You mean my records have been broken? How? Who by?

Serena (correcting her): “By whom.”

Past-Chrissie (continuing): Which one of you high-tech-racket-molly-coddled little brats did it?

<Every woman in the locker room silently points to Present-Martina N., slowly sitting up.>

Past-Chrissie: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<While Past-Chrissie sits down on a bench and holds herself, shaking, JCap goes through the pockets of the three unconscious people, taking everything. Then the Monica from 1992 and the Monica from 1997 suddenly step through the portal at the same time, and look around in alarm.>

<Present-Monica blows her bangs away from her forehead in a sigh of exasperation.>

Present-Monica: Oh, no. Here we go.

<1992-Monica and 1997-Monica look at each other and yell at the same time:>

1992-Monica: I’m fat!

1997-Monica: I’m thin!

<They both burst into tears. Present-Monica motions them to come to her, and they sit down on either side of her.>

Present-Monica (her arms around them): Come here. That’s all right, just cry it out. You’ll be okay. Everything turns out fine.

Past-Chrissie: So…so tell me. What happens to me? What am I doing when I live in this time?

Daniela Hantuchova (brightly): You and a gray-haired John MacEnroe are shitty tennis commentators for NBC!

Past-Chrissie: :::whimper:::

<At that moment, an even older Martina N. steps through the portal. She is still fit and sweating, and she is carrying a tennis racket that seems to be made of a shimmering force-field.>

Everyone except Anna: Who are you?

Future-Martina N.: Oh, I remember this. This was the day I met myself and fainted. Hi, everyone, I’m from about 20 years in the future. I just got finished winning my 1,000th career title, and boy, do I feel great! Does anyone have a carrot and glass of water?

Serena (holding out her hand): Lunch money, first.

<Past-Chrissie just lets out a final whimper and falls backward off the bench.>


The End, for now

I’m out of ideas, but if anyone else wants to take this time-portal story and run with it from here, by all means, knock yourself out.

c2
Jan 27th, 2003, 11:57 PM
:confused: um, Rae Q.. I think you might have misunderstood... the jokes were about Jennifer not being able to see because of her eye surgery :confused:

danielrosario
Jan 28th, 2003, 08:14 AM
I though I'd use a couple of lower ranked players.... So here's my first (and brief) attempt at writing a locker room confrontation. Be Kind :)


Rita Grande enters the locker room after losing in the first round of the Toray Pan Pacific Open to Sugiyama.

Angelique Widjaja: Oh there's Rita! Did you win?
Rita: Ai won.
Several players: Good going! Congrats.
Rita: Why are you congratulating me? I lost.
Angelique: But you just said you won.
Rita: I said Ai won.
Angelique: So if you're through to the second round, why are you so upset?
Rita: Because I took the 2nd set and then lost the 3rd...
Angelique: Girl! You just said you won... what is the matter with you? You need to brush up on your English my Italian friend.
Rita: But I'm telling you -- Ai is the winner
Angelique: Now even her grammar is going haywire!
Rita: Anyway, tell me... who do you play?
Angelique: I play with Mi.
Rita: You play with yourself? I do that a lot.
Angelique: (blushing) I meant I play the Korean qualifier Mi Ra Jeon.
Rita: Oh (embarrassed). In that case I don't do that... I guess... whatever...

c2
Jan 28th, 2003, 06:33 PM
verry cute danielrosario.. very cute, if a bit blue! ;)

Ryan
Jan 28th, 2003, 07:04 PM
lmfao! Spirit that is hilarious.:D Your's too daniel, keep it up :D

c2
Jan 29th, 2003, 05:04 AM
bump

Becool
Jan 29th, 2003, 06:13 AM
LOL danielrosario

Cute one :)

Spirit
Jan 29th, 2003, 02:46 PM
All right, I changed my mind. I had more ideas over night, and part 2 of my stupid time portal story is coming up later today.

Spirit
Jan 29th, 2003, 05:46 PM
Spirit’s Stupid Time-Portal Story

Part 2


<All three Martina N.’s help Past-Chrissie to her feet. Being the champions with iron wills that they are, they begin to adjust to their new situation quickly.>

<An Oz open volunteer sticks her head in the locker room.>

Volunteer: Anna Kournikova, you’re on court in two minutes!

Anna: Court? What is she talking about? I reached a settlement on those photographs!

Venus: No, not “in court,” “on court!” You know, for your tennis match?

<Anna thinks for a few moments, then her face brightens.>

Anna: Oh, yeah! Tennis! I had forgotten that’s why I was here. Hey, Amelie, I’m going to play my tennis match. You want to come with?

Amelie: Sure.

<Anna skips out after the volunteer, Amelie following.>

Past-Chrissie (looking confused): “Come with?” Is that what she said? Whatever happened to “come with me?”

<No one gets a chance to answer her question, as Past-Martina N. motions to the table Anna just left, clearly indicating a challenge to Past-Chrissie. They sit down, pick up the cards and begin a vicious, cutthroat, take-no-prisoners, to-the-death game of “Go Fish.” At another table, Present-Martina N. and Future-Martina N. begin armwrestling ferociously. Everyone else watches, fascinated.>

<Thirty seconds later, Anna skips back in, grabs her tennis rackets, and leaves again, trying to act like she’s not really there.>

<Serena folds her arms and interrupts the card game.>

Serena: So, Chrissie-and-Martina-from-the-past. Venus and I were talking about you the other day, and we were wondering if you were really all that.

<Past-Chrissie and Past-Martina N. look up in confusion.>

Past-Chrissie: All what?

Serena: All that.

Past-Martina N.: All that…what?

Serena (rolling her eyes): Come on, we just want to know if you’re really all that!

Past-Chrissie: All that what? <She starts yelling at everyone.> What is all this? “Come with?” “All that?” <She turns to JCap.> For Chrissake, doesn’t anyone in the future finish their sentences any more?

JCap: Hey! The judge said I finished my sentence, so get off my back!

Maggie Maleeva (motioning towards the time portal): Shouldn’t we do something about that?

Patty Schnyder (facing the time portal): The flowers have come alive, just like the elves in my bosom always said they would! Look at how their colors blend and swirl, a message of universal harmony!

Past-Martina N.: What’s her problem?

Venus: Bad orange juice. The doctors say it’ll pass.

<Past-Martina N. and Past-Chrissie exchange worried looks.>

Jelena Dokic (motioning towards the time portal): I don’t know what any of us can do about that. It’s the strangest thing any of us have ever seen.

<Ronald McDonald sits up, rubbing his head.>

Jelena: Okay, the second-strangest thing any of us have ever seen. But you get my point.

Ronald: Okay, I don’t know what just happened, but to finish what I was saying earlier-

<Martina H. (who is in Australia just for kicks) picks up Ronald McDonald and throws him into the time portal. Everyone applauds, except all three Monicas and the two Martina-N’s who are still locked in their arm-wrestling and now cursing at each other in Czech.>

Present-Monica: I’m not sure that was such a good idea. <Her two past selves are finally drying their eyes and pulling themselves together.>

<On a country road in Iowa many decades ago, a creepy clown appears in mid-air and falls at the feet of a man walking alone.>

Man: Who are you?

Ronald: I’m Ronald McDonald, the famous children’s icon. Who are you?

Man: I’m Ray Kroc. Ronald McDonald, eh? Say, that gives me an idea for a fast-food restaurant. I could use your face to sell millions of hamburgers. I think we’ve got a future together.

<This event, of course, is a paradox, for Ronald McDonald has just created his own future. This paradox will grow, eventually causing the fabric of the cosmos to rip apart and utterly destroying the universe, and it will all be Martina Hingis’s fault. But since this won’t happen for millions of years, we won’t worry about it.>

<Back to the locker room.>

Patty: My nipples are receiving signals from the aliens who watch us all! The elves and the flowers listen to the signals, and they tell me that the end of the universe is near, and that it is time for me to engage in love and orgies with everyone. I shall soon go find Anna Kournikova and give her a big hug and a sloppy wet kiss.

Daniela Hantuchova (feeling Patty’s forehead): She’s getting worse.

Maggie (pointing at the portal): So is that.

Present-Monica: I’m not sure Patty’s all that wrong. Well, about the orgies and stuff, probably, but the universe could very well end. This portal appears to be going into the past more than the future, and when Martina threw Mr. Creepy Clown into the portal-

Past-Martina: I did no such thing!

Monica: I was talking about this woman. Her name is also Martina. In fact, her mother named her Martina in honor of you.

<Martina H. gives a big Chucky grin. Past-Martina N. looks her up and down and makes a face of disbelief and just looks away.>

Present-Monica: As I was saying, it’s very possible that Martina Hingis has just caused the destruction of the entire universe. Or, at the very least, changed the past so that things will now be different in some bizarre way.

<Everyone looks at Martina H., who just smiles and spreads her arms wide.>

Martina H.: Everything must be okay. After all, I am Martina Hingis!

Elena D.: What if Monica’s right, though? What if something in our world has now changed because Martina threw the Great White Weirdo into the Great Big Colorful Time Thingy?

Alexandra S. (trying to sound hopeful): What could possibly change?

<Justine Henin walks into the locker room. She has breasts.>

Lindsay: Uh-oh……

Justine: Hey, everyone, guess what! Anna K’s out there kicking some serious butt!

Everyone: Uh-oh….

<Kim Clijsters walks into the locker room. Her breasts are now slightly smaller.>

<Serena looks back and forth between the two Belgian women.>

Serena: All right – there’s something funny going on here.

Kim: What? We’re friends. I gave her some of my breast size.

Chanda Rubin: Does Lleyton know about this?

Kim: Um…not yet.

Daniela H. (looking slightly jealous): But how can you do something like that?

Justine: It is something only we Belgians can do. It is, how do you say, Ancient Belgian Secret.

JCap: Hah! “Ancient Belgian Secret.” Xavier tried that line on me all the time. I finally told him, “Look, bud, it ain’t ever gonna grow.”

Present-Monica: Listen, I think too much damage has been done today. <She turns to her 1992 self.> You, in particular, need to go back ASAP.

1992-Monica: Why me? Is there something about the future I’m not supposed to know?

Present-Monica (struggling to keep cheerful, but starting to cry): Don’t worry about it. Just remember that everything turns out fine. Now go kick some butt!

<Present-Monica gently pushes 1992-Monica back into the portal, and 1992-Monica disappears. Almost immediately taking her place are a very young Stefano and Denise Capriati, who look around themselves in wonder. All the girls cover themselves again.>

Venus, Serena and Jennifer together: Oh, crap.

<The obligatory and redundant explanations are given to the new confused people. Venus quickly makes and hangs up a sign which says, “You have traveled through time to the year 2003. Deal.”>

<Past-Chrissie reads the sign and turns to Past-Martina.>

Past-Chrissie: “Deal?” Another unfinished sentence! These future girls are so grammatically lazy!

<Stefano has just been told that his daughter is the defending Oz Open champion.>

Stefano: See, Denise! What did I tell you? Sure, some people might think that making our little six-month-old girl do sit-ups in the crib to fulfill our own dreams and erase our own insecurities was sicker than a pile of worm crap, but who can argue with the result?

Everyone: We can.

<Stefano looks around to see that everyone in the locker room not named Capriati is holding up a copy of JCap’s mug shot, which they carry for inspiration.>

Stefano (his face falling): Oh.

Lindsay: You made her do sit-ups when she was a baby in the crib? I’m gonna hurl! *

<Damir Dokic comes into the locker room in time to hear the last few seconds of conversation.>

Damir: Hey! Don’t pick on my bud Stefano! He’s A-Ok in my book!

Lindsay: Case closed.

Jelena: What are you doing here? You’re under a court order to stay away from me!

Damir: Not in this country. What are you doing here? You hate Australia!

Jelena: No, you hate Australia. I came here because I thought it was the one place you’d never go!

<Damir and Jelena begin arguing. JCap turns away in disgust and opens her locker. Inside is Hamburglar, who has been hiding inside and peeking into the locker room all this time.>

JCap: What are you doing in here you little creep?

Hamburglar: Um…gibble gobble gibble…I’m really a hot male tennis player under all this make-up.

<He begins reaching for her slowly but lustfully. JCap puts her hand on the locker door.>

JCap: Oh, yeah? Who?

Hamburglar (his hands coming out of the locker): Um…er…gibble gobble gibble…um…Xavier Malisse?

:::SLAM!!!:::

Hamburglar: AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

<JCap opens the locker door and slams it again for good measure.>

Hamburglar: AAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOGGGAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Daniela H. (talking excitedly to Past-Chrissie): ….and you hosted an episode of Saturday Night Live, but you weren’t funny, and you wrote a book that no one read, and…

<1997-Monica and Present-Monica are talking excitedly.>

1997-Monica: So what’s the biggest piece of dirt you can give me? I promise I won’t change history for you. Except maybe make a little more money.

Present-Monica: I really shouldn't, but, well...what the hell?

<Present-Monica quickly glances around the room and begins whispering in 1997-Monica’s ear.>

1997-Monica: Uh huh. Uh huh. She got drunk and did what? With tomatoes? Really?

<Everyone else in the locker room slowly leans forward.>

1997-Monica: A banana? In the shower? And she doesn’t remember a thing? :::giggle::: Oh, my! When does this happen? I’ll have to bring my video camera that day!

<All the other girls look at each other in alarm. Someone’s going down. They each wonder who it is.>

<1997-Monica skips to the portal.>

1997-Monica: It’s been fun! See you earlier!

<1997-Monica steps into the portal and disappears. Taking her place immediately are two women and a much older, pleasant-looking man. One of the two women is unmistakably an older Jelena Dokic.>

Future-Jelena: What’s going on?

Pleasant-looking man: Where are we?

Venus (pointing her thumb at the sign): Yo.

Damir (pointing to the man): Wait a minute! You’re…you’re…you’re me!

Future-Damir: In a sense, although I’m really a completely different man after the rehab and all the anger-management counseling. The whole world is bright and beautiful, and I feel great! I’m a citizen of 76 different countries, some of which I can’t even pronounce. Oh, yeah, and I shaved.

Present-Jelena (motioning to the new woman): And who is this?

Future-Jelena: This is my girlfriend, Annabelle. <They kiss.>

Present-Damir: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<Present-Damir takes out a cyanide capsule and pops it in his mouth. He dies immediately.>

Future-Damir: Oh, dear, I wish he hadn’t-

<Future-Damir pops out of existence.>

Present-Jelena: Daddy!

Future-Jelena: Oh, don’t worry about it. We in the future have things like this all solved now.

<Future-Jelena whips out of her purse a fancy gizmo with blinking lights and the phrase “Mr. Medic” on the side. She adjusts a setting and applies it to Present-Damir’s neck.>

Alexandra S.: Can’t we just leave him dead?

Kim: Think of the entertainment value he provides. Let’s face it; he brings us money by keeping tennis interesting.

<Future-Jelena pushes a button. Mr. Medic beeps once and says, “Poison counteracted. Revival complete.” Present-Damir coughs and sits up. Future-Damir pops back into existence.>

Future Damir: -done that. Oh, I’m back. Did I miss anything?

<Present-Damir sees the two women from the future holding hands and his face turns purple with rage.>

Justine: I think you three had better go, or we’re going to be reviving him all afternoon.

Future-Damir: I think you’re right. And you -- <he points to his younger self> -- take it easy.

<Future-Damir, Future-Jelena and Annabelle step into the portal and disappear. They are immediately replaced by a young-looking woman, slight in stature, whom they’ve never seen before.>

Everyone: Who are you?

New woman: I’m from 2025, and I’m the greatest tennis player who ever lived. I’m Steffi Monica Martina Arantxa Chrissie Tracy Johnson, but you can just call me Steffi Monica Martina Arantxa Chrissie Tracy. That’s what my parents named me, as inspiration. They also had my genetic structure adjusted in the womb to make me a super-fast, aggressive, all-court tennis genius. They also played me motivational tapes while I was in the womb. I won my first professional senior title when I was five.

Stefano: Now, that’s the way to do it! Pleased to meet you, Monica Martina Steffi…um, what did you say your name was?

New woman: Steffi Monica Martina Arantxa Chrissie Tracy. But my friends just call me SMMACT.

Serena: As in, “Smacked upside the head?”

SMMACT (her face brightening up): Hey, I know you! You’re Serena Williams!

Serena (looking pleased): That’s right.

SMMACT: You’re the one who pissed her whole career away once you turned 22! Boy, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched the 2005 US Open Final. The way Anna Kournikova dusted you Love-and-Love in 42 minutes, it was just unbelievable!

Serena: ::::whimper::::

<Past-Chrissie comes and puts her hand on Serena’s shoulder.>

Past-Chrissie: There, there, sweetie, it’ll be okay.

Serena: Anna…Kournikova….dusted me?

SMMACT: Brutally! She said something about a poker game and a lost watch contract, and she took you downtown!

<Serena sits down on a bench, with Past-Chrissie still comforting her.>

Serena: It just can’t be.

SMMACT (walking up to her): Yep, it sure is, super-toots. <She holds out her hand.> Now give me your lunch money, bee-yitch!


The End, for now.

* Yes, Stefano Capriati really did this.

c2
Jan 30th, 2003, 06:41 AM
wow... great one, spirit.. quite the epic! there are too many good parts to quote...

but Jelena having a girlfriend made me smile :)

Doc
Jan 30th, 2003, 03:42 PM
Lindsay: (jumping up and down) Hit a backhand venus, a backhand!

Jenn: (squinting and whipping her head wildly) Like Whats going on? Who's winnin you know? Do we like have good seats?

Martina H: We are in the locker room, idiot. Why couldn't you have this surgery last year!
Kim: anyway venus is the only one who has been in a position to stop her so...

Jen: But like her ass has been like beat so bad I like had to call the police last time they played

ROTFL!!

Ryan
Jan 30th, 2003, 03:53 PM
ROTFLMFAO! Spirit that was great. :D Anna dusting Serena was hilarious, and so is Chrissie's problem with grammar. ;)

The Crow
Jan 30th, 2003, 03:55 PM
Spirit, great story :D

Becool
Jan 30th, 2003, 07:10 PM
LMAO Spirit!!

Good one!! That's the spirit :cool:

CJ07
Jan 30th, 2003, 08:31 PM
good, good

maya
Jan 31st, 2003, 08:01 AM
Spirit, the last one was really good. What happens next ;)?

chapel
Jan 31st, 2003, 08:51 AM
wicked! you guys are hilarious! c'mon, post some more!

write, spirit, write!

~be well~

schnyder lover
Jan 31st, 2003, 10:34 AM
aussie attempt at a true american accent:

"Hey guys, do you wanna go to the mall?

Rae Q.
Jan 31st, 2003, 05:14 PM
Originally posted by c2
:confused: um, Rae Q.. I think you might have misunderstood... the jokes were about Jennifer not being able to see because of her eye surgery :confused:

C2 and everybody I'm sorry. I totally misunderstood. :o


http://www.uselessgraphics.com/doll1009.gif

Spirit
Feb 1st, 2003, 05:15 PM
I can't believe I have nothing better to do.

Spirit's Stupid Time Portal Story, Part 3


<SMMACT stands in front of Serena, holding out her hand for lunch money. Serena is too startled to speak. Venus comes up behind SMMACT and grabs her lengthwise by the belt and the collar.>

Venus (tossing SMMACT through the portal): Back to the future, supergirl.

SMMACT: Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! <She disappears.>

Ai Sugiyama (coming out of the shower): Someone call?

Past-Chrissie: All right, this is too weird for me. I’m going to back to my own time and pretend none of this ever happened.

Past-Martina: Me, too.

Future-Martina: Me, three.

Present-Martina (to her future self): You’re just running scared because you couldn’t armwrestle the old lady here!

Future-Martina: Don’t push me!

<Future-Martina, Past-Martina and Chrissie all step into the portal and disappear.>

<Jelena and Damir are furiously arguing nose-to-nose, speaking very fast in Croatian, or Hungarian, or Martian, or whatever they speak. Damir finally storms out.>

<Past-Stefano and Past-Denise approach JCap.>

Past-Stefano: So, how’s my little girl doing in the future? How’s my sweet little angel, my little pig-tailed puddy wudding?

JCap: Fuck off.

Stefano: What?

JCap (snapping her fingers and pointing at the portal): Take a hike. I’ll see you later.

<Past-Stefano and Past-Denise just smile and nod.>

Past-Stefano: Whatever you want, sweetie-weetie, light of my life.

<Past-Stefano and Past-Denise step into the portal and disappear.>

Lindsay: I can’t believe you talk to your dad like that!

JCap: Well, I am the boss. It’s in our contract.

<Lindsay looks nauseous and just turns away.>

Maggie: Hey, have you noticed that people have gone back to whenever they came from, and no one’s replaced them? Maybe the portal’s dying.

Elena D.: Yeah. Let’s hope no one else strange comes in.

<Steffi Graf walks into the locker room carrying little Jaden.>

Steffi: Hi, everyone!

<Everyone looks up, most with baffled expressions on their faces.>

JCap: It’s the Steffinator!

Monica (without looking directly at Steffi): Hey, blondie. What are you doing here?

Steffi (speaking to the whole room and acting as if she’s not answering Monica): I just thought I’d come see all my old friends.

<Everyone looks at each other in confusion.>

Steffi: Okay, my old acquaintances.

<Everyone looks at each other in confusion some more.>

Steffi: Okay, okay. I was bored out of my skull and I was sick of hiding from television cameras. What, did you really think Dysfunction Junction was on my list of tourist attractions?

Martina H. (grinning): Hello, Stefanie! I deed not theenk you would have come to see all of us lowly mortals after your retirement.

Steffi: Hello, Martina. Thrown any tantrums lately?

<Martina H. gives her a smile that would freeze the fires of hell and walks off.>

Lindsay: Well, me-ow.

Serena (still looking confusedly at Steffi): You look familiar.

Steffi: Well, I should hope so.

Serena: Do you sell used cars in Florida? You know, in that commercial where you’re jumping up and down in the back seat of a convertible?

Steffi (bristling): I most certainly do not!

Serena: I could swear I’ve seen your face somewhere before, but I just can’t quite place it.

Steffi: I’m Steffi Graf!

Serena: Oh, yeah! That was going to be my next choice.

<Serena turns away and goes back to putting on her make-up. Not to snub Steffi on purpose, but simply because she really doesn’t care. Steffi is furious and is about to deliver a blistering reply when Monica interrupts her.>

Monica: What’s the big deal, Steffi? All this time, you would have sold your soul to the Devil just to gain anonymity for a day. At least from Serena, now you have it. What’s the problem?

<Steffi stops and thinks, works that out in her brain, and slowly nods.>

Steffi: You’re right, Monica.

<Steffi and Monica gasp at the same time and they look at each other.>

Steffi and Monica, together: We just spoke to each other!

<They continue looking at each other in amazement. Things get really awkward. But they’ve started talking and it’s too late to stop now.>

Monica: So… <she swings her foot back and forth idly>….that’s little Jaden, is it?

Steffi (smiling): Yes.

Monica: Ah.

<Long pause.>

Monica: He’s cute.

Steffi: Thanks.

Monica: I’m pleased to see he has your hair and Andre’s nose.

Steffi (looking very strained): Um…thanks.

Monica: Hmmm.

Steffi: Hmmm. Hmm.

Monica: Uhmmm hmm hmm.

Steffi: Mmmmm hmm.

<Steffi finally turns away, hoping for anything else to concentrate on, such as a rat puking in the corner or something. She’s rescued, but not in the way she was hoping. Jelena Dokic, crying on a bench, calls out to her.>

Jelena: Steffffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I need your hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllp.

<Venus gets up, making elaborate arm motions.>

Venus: Oh, Lord! Get me out of here. When that girl starts whining, she never stops!

<Steffi sits next to Jelena, noticing the time portal as she does.>

Steffi: What’s that?

Jelena (sniffling): Um…er…never mind. Steffi, you’re the only one who can really help me! I have a father who’s a complete asshole. He embarrasses me wherever he goes, even when I’m not with him.

<Steffi’s eyes begin to glaze over. She glances back to Monica, thinking that maybe she wasn’t that bad of a conversationalist after all.>

Jelena (continuing): And yet I have to constantly give the impression that everything’s okay between us, acting like I still love him – which I sort of do, you know, but, well, I’m sure you understand. <sniffle> He creates sensational tabloid headlines which rock my soul, and yet I have to act on the tennis court like it’s not affecting me, even though all I want to do is go postal. It’s turning me into tank city. And I just wanted to know, as someone who’s had years of experience in dealing with a father like that, how did you handle it?

<Steffi is looking in another direction at nothing in particular. She realizes Jelena has finished speaking and comes back to the moment.>

Steffi: Oh! Um…Oh, yes…yes. <She looks back at the Williams sisters and JCap.> Are you sure I’m the only one with a bad dad who can relate to your problems?

Jelena: <sniffle> I can’t talk to them. They’re still on the tour. They’re my opponents. But because you’re retired, I can open up to you. <She gives her a big smile of sisterly affection that comes from absolutely nowhere.>

Steffi: Ah. <Thinks to herself: Damnation! I just can’t win!> Okay. Well, I had to deal with a father who was like that. It was awful. He forced me to learn tennis when I was four years old because his own life was empty and he wanted lots of money. He yelled at me and treated me like shit in public, didn’t even hide the fact that he coached me from the stands, got thrown out of tennis tournaments three times because of it, had affairs on my mother, slept with anything that moved, drank his ass off, embezzled my fortune, dragged my name through the tabloids, inspired paparazzi to crawl up my underwear, and made me get investigated by the authorities and live with dread for over a year that I might go to jail for something he did. And then I had to say in public how much I supported him and loved him.

Jelena: But how did you deal with all of that?

Steffi: I internalized every single bit of it, and then, when I came home at night and no one was watching…I’d kick the dog.

Jelena (gasping): No!

Steffi: Absolutely. Why do you think I have so many dogs? Why do you think I pick up strays? Why do you think I seem so normal after having my entire childhood wasted on my father’s dreams and blown to shit and back? I just passed the shit on to something else. I refuse to see a therapist because to do so would be the ultimate admission of weakness, even though that’s completely illogical. So all I can do with 30 years of bullshit and abuse is take it out on the dogs.

Jelena: So is that the answer, O Great And Powerful Wise One?

Steffi (shrugging): Eh.

<Venus and Serena have their heads together, whispering urgently. Serena looks up.>

Serena: Hey, Steffi, I don’t mean to be rude, but I can’t remember: what is that you did that everyone thinks is so remarkable?

<Steffi just closes her eyes and sighs.>

JCap: Um…she won more Grand Slam titles than the number of years you’ve been alive?

Lindsay: Ouch! Score a point for the Capster! Survey says…SUH-LAM!

Jelena: As in, “Grand.”

Venus: Yeah, but that was because she used the tennis court as a refuge from all the problems her father created. I mean, let’s face it: if her old man had just embezzled another couple million dollars and had a few more affairs with supermodels, Steffi would have tied Margaret Court’s record.

Monica: Whoa! That was too mean, even for me!

Venus: Yeah, but that doesn’t stop it from being true!

<Steffi’s face turns red and she slowly sets Jaden down on the floor, where he starts playing with Venus’s bucket of hair beads. She slowly stands up, ready to let Venus have it. Venus stands up also.>

<At the other end of the locker room, Maggie whispers in Martina H.’s ear.>

Maggie: Oh, my God! The Williams sisters and Steffi Graf are about to have a vicious fight! What should we do?

Martina H.: Sell tickets.

<But before the fight can develop any further, the Steffi Graf from 1991 steps through the portal. Not only does she look younger, she looks painfully shy, like all she wants to do is be swallowed by the earth.>

<Serena stands up to join her sister.>

Serena: All right! Two of them!

Monica: Oh, shit. Two of them.

Both Steffis (looking at each other in amazement): What’s going on?

Jaden: Hada. Hajajajajajajajadadajajaja.

Venus (to the Steffis): Read the sign.

<Things are explained to Steffi as quickly as possible. Jaden spills the bucket of hair beads across the floor.>

Lindsay (grinning at him): Point penalty, kid.

<Jaden just looks up, laughs joyfully and waves his arms around. Then he looks for something else to destroy.>

Past-Steffi: So…this is the future?

Present-Steffi: My God. Did I really look like that? Hiding behind my hair? <She walks up to her former self.> What happened?

Past-Steffi: I don’t know what happened. I had a bad day and I went looking for a dog to kick, and I suddenly ended up here.

Present-Steffi: Well, it’s a good thing you are here. I need you to help me take care of these bitch sisters. <She nods at Venus and Serena.> You can kick them, instead!

Past-Steffi: Well, if you say so.

Serena: Bring it!

<The Williams sisters and the two Steffis rush towards each other. Just before they connect, all four of them slip and slide on the hair beads and crash to the floor. Quadruple-wipe out.>

Martina H. (weeping with joy): Oh, my God. I would sell my soul if I could have that on veedeo.

Jaden: Haja! Hajajajajajajajajajajaja! Hehehehehehehehe!

<All four would-be combatants groan and sit down on the nearest bench, rubbing their aching body parts.>

Venus: You were lucky. We were gonna hose you.

Present-Steffi: Just be thankful that happened, or you’d still be on the floor.

Serena: You won’t be so fortunate next time.

Past-Steffi: Could someone please tell me what the hell this is all about?

<Martina H. sits in a nearby chair with her chin in her hands and a dreamy look on her face.>

Martina H.: Thees is like every Chreestmas and birthday rolled into one! You make my trip to Australia worth every penny.

<Venus glares at her. Martina just waggles her fingers back in a sweet wave of greeting.>

<Jaden has grabbed one of Venus’s hair pins and is running towards an electrical outlet. Monica sees this, scoops him up and takes the pin away.>

Monica: No, no, sweetheart. I don’t hate Steffi that much. <She kisses him on the head and carries him across the room to Present-Steffi.> Here’s your broodlin- I mean, your child.

Venus: Whoa! That was too nasty, even for me!

<Present-Steffi takes her child. Past-Steffi looks at him in amazement, then notices her future self’s rings.>

Past-Steffi: I’m a wife and mother? Really?

Present-Steffi: Yep.

Past-Steffi: Wow! Who’s my husband?

Present-Steffi (with pride): Andre Agassi!

<Past-Steffi stares at her for a moment, blinking, then bursts into laughter. She rocks her head back.>

Past-Steffi: Andre…Andre Agassi! Oh! <She slaps her thigh, whooping with delight.> Oh, that’s…that’s a good one. Mr. Cocky Image Is Everything. You really had me there for a moment. <She wipes a tear from her eye.> No, really, who’s my husband?

<Present-Steffi just stares at her, then pulls a billfold from her purse. She opens it to reveal a photo. Past-Steffi’s face crashes as she looks at it in disbelief.>

Past-Steffi: Oh, my God! He…he shaved his head! My friends will believe I traveled in time, but none of them will believe this! Why did he do it?

Venus (muttering just loud enough to be heard): That’s what image-conscious men do when they have a receding hairline: shave it all off and hope it looks cool.

<Present-Steffi glares at her for a moment. Past-Steffi continues staring at the photo in disbelief.>

Past-Steffi: So he’s really my husband? And I get pregnant before getting married? And we get married at a cheap Vegas hot spot called the Chapel O’ Love?!?!?!

Present-Steffi (hurriedly taking the photo back): Okay, I think you’ve seen enough. <She stands her younger self up.> It’s time you were getting back. Just think of all of this as a bad dream. A very, very bad dream.

<Still in a daze, Past-Steffi allows Present-Steffi to push her into the portal. She disappears, and is instantly replaced by a nice-looking man about 25 and a nice-looking woman about 20. The man finds himself standing face to face with Steffi, and his face brightens immediately.

Man: Mom?

<Steffi’s eyebrows shoot up into her hair so fast NASA would have wanted to run tests.>

Steffi: Mom?!?!

Man: Don’t you recognize me? It’s me! Jaden!

<Steffi slowly turns to look at little Jaden on the floor, playing with the beads again, then back up to the young man in front of her.>

Steffi: Oh, my.

Future-Jaden: It’s okay, I know what’s happening right now, because you tell me all about this later. But for now, let me just introduce you to my wife. This is Betsy! Betsy Seles!

Betsy (looking across the room to Monica): Hi, Mom!

Monica: Mom?!?!

Betsy: Sure! Each of you are our in-laws!

Monica and Steffi together (locking eyes with each other in horror): In-laws?!?!

Lindsay (flashing Monica a thumbs-up): Congratulations, Monica!

Monica: :::whimper:::

Venus: Aww, I think that’s sweet! Steffi, forget all those bad things I said. I think that’s great! You and Monica would make a nice family! Monica can grunt while slicing up the Thanksgiving turkey and you can turn up the TV to block out the sound!

<Future-Jaden and Betsy are forced to step forward as yet another nice-looking couple steps through the portal, a black man and a white woman, each about 25. The woman is holding a baby.>

Man (looking at Venus): Hi, Mom!

Venus (her face falling in shock): Mom?!?!

Man: My name’s Tyrone, and I’m your son. It’s okay, I know what’s happening right now, because you tell me all about this later. But for now, let me just introduce you to my wife, Carlina Hingis, and our first baby, Samantha!

<Venus and Martina H. can only stare at them in horror. Lindsay turns to them with a huge grin.>

Lindsay: Guess who's coming to dinner!

Martina H.: You must be jokeeng!

Carlina: Oh, no, mother! I’m not jokeeng at all! Grandpa Reechard and Grandma Melanie love takeeng care of leettle Samantha together!

<Venus Williams and Martina Hingis lock eyes:>

Both: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


The End,
for now.

¤CharlDa¤
Feb 1st, 2003, 05:59 PM
Anna: Hey! I got a great pair!

Amelie: You certainly do, sweetheart. You certainly do.


So funny!!!!

Cybelle Darkholme
Feb 1st, 2003, 07:40 PM
Tootie:: Venus
Jo:: Amelie
Blair:: Anna
Natalie:: Jen

Mrs. Garret:: Martina Nav.

PUSH PLAY (http://www.sitcomsonline.com/sounds/thefactsoflife-season2-6.mp3)

----Bedroom----
Tootie and Natalie are sitting on the bed chatting.

Tootie: Nat do you like Jason Manetti?
Nat: Like fuck yea.... Why?
Tootie: He is soo Dreamy!! (says dreamily)
Nat: I know, his ass is so cute! But Toot he's extremely popular and we're not!
Tootie: Too-tie! Too-tie! Just ask him if he likes mocha chocolicious girls.
Nat: Like fuck that, he'll think I'm asking for me!
Tooie: You're not mocha chocolicious!
Nat: Oh yeah, but I'm fucking like white chocolicious.
Tootie: Jen would you stop cursing! Natalie doesn't curse like that!
Nat: What about like this, 'fuck you."

Tootie gets up in a huff and starts skating around the room.

Tootie: Whatever, Just act like your doing a column for the paper on why guys like girls!
Nat: (sighs) I guess. Like how much you paying?
Tootie: (jumps up and down and screams) Just go do it!!

----Cafeteria----
Mrs. Garret is preparing a fruit salad. She's devoting attention to a particularly round cantelope.

Nat: (walks in with disappointment on her face)
Mrs. G: Hi Natalie is everything alright?
Nat: (disappointed) no I always look like the part in the fucking movie where Bambi's mother died...
Jo: Natalie my goodness, your language! What's wrong?
Nat: Um Missus G, um like, what the hell are you doing?

Miss Garret rolls the cantelopes around on the table and squeezes them.

Mrs: G: oh I'm working my melons. I love to work them really good before I taste them.
Nat: Ok, like anyway, well, you know, Tootie wanted me, like, to talk to Jason fucking manetti and see what he likes black girls you know...
Mrs. G: Tootie is black!?
Nat: Like fucking duh! What did she think she was?
Mrs. G: My goodnes, Natalie, I thought she was deeply tanned!

Mrs Garret feverishly strokes the cantelopes, Natalie watches with wide eyes then takes them away.

Nat: Um if youre like not careful those things will slap a sexual harassment suit on you Mrs. G.
Mrs G: oh my goodness! They are so firm and full and..
Nat: Moving along! He said he loves the dark chocolate but only he will only date girls who...

Suddenly Blair and Jo walk into the room. Blair brushes her hair while Jo stares.

Blair (interrupts) Wow! Maybe I should go for Jason... I am everything he wants!
jo: No Blair he could never hav you while I was alive! I mean um zat you are too good for him!
Mrs. G: girls who what Natalie!
Nat: ...put out.
Mrs. G: Oh my.
Jo: oh maybe my mind changes because zee Blair she is always as you say putting out!! (laughs)
Nat: Like how can a guy only go for fucking girls who like, well, you know, fuck.
Mrs. G: Now now girls. Boys at this age are filled with nothing but one thing... not that I would know...
Blair: I know!! I know!!
Jo: Zat I do not doubt!!
Mrs. G: Jo!!! You go to my bedroom right now and wait for me!
Jo: Ok, jeez Mrs. g not again! I dont like zee old chicks!
Mrs. G: And you Natalie , you better tell Tootie to be ready to get her freak on.
Nat: I guess... (walks out into kitchen)

----Girls' bedroom----
Tootie skates around the room with a picture of Jason. It has lipstick all over it.

Nat: (walks in) Tootie...
Tootie: Oh hi, did you talk to Jason? (kisses picture)
Nat: well... yea like I did (Sits on end Blair’s bed)
Tootie: Great! Great! Tell me. (jumps over Jo's bed and sits next to Nat)
Nat: Tootie... like he's not the perfect guy you want you know...
Tootie: You mean he's more perfect than I thought!!
Nat: No, he's like a fucking sexist pig!!
Tootie: Well, pigs are cute. what exactly did he say?
Nat: He said he liked mocha chocolicious girls but he only dates girls who (Long pause) put out!!
Tootie: Oh... well... maybe I can do that!!
Nat: Whatchoo talkin' about Tootie?
Tootie: Never mind... (starts doing stretching excercises)
Mrs. G: (walks in) Girls the kitchen is calling... dinner time!
Nat: ok like come on Tootie...
Tootie: i'll be down in a second...
Nat and Mrs. G: (walk out of the room)
Mrs. G: (shuts door)
Tootie: (goes to blairs dresser and pulls out a hoochie mama lacey neglie with garters)

----kitchen----

Tootie skates into the kitchen looking like a Playboy bunny on wheels while Everyone is eating.

Nat: Tootie!! You fucking slut!
Mrs. G: (looks at Tootie with drool slipping from her mouth) Tootie, my my you certainly have filled out nice... I mean.. um..
Tootie: (smiles) well, I'm glad somebody likes it!!
Mrs. G: Yea (greedly look) I don’t think anyone could miss that!
Jo: Tootie!! (walks to Tootie and whispers) I think you have zat on backwards!!
Mrs. G: JO!!
Jo: what?
Mrs. G: Go to my room and wait for me!
Jo: oh no why dont I keep my mouth shut.
Mrs. G: girls you get to work on dinner... Tootie can we talk?
Tootie: I guess...
Mrs. G: Let's go upstairs ok? (leads Tootie up the stairs and follows)

----Girls' Bedroom----

Mrs. G: Tootie what’s this (runs hand on the side of Tootie's body)
Tootie: what... oh this is my man attack outfit.
Mrs. G: Please take it off now! I can't stand any more torture! I mean disrespect....
Tootie: Oh alright... (sighs and then starts to strip off her lacey underthings...)
Mrs. G: there... that's the beautiful Tootie I know!! Yes, yes keep going...

Tootie stops then takes a robe off a chair and slips it on.

Tootie: Nice try mrs. G, but I'm strictly dickly.
Mrs. G: Oh so how do you know if you have never had it?
Tootie: Trust me. I know I don't want to end up like those cantelopes. Besides I've practiced before.
Mrs. G: Practiced?
Tootie: With cucumbers.
Mrs. G: oh so that was why they were so succulent the other week. I thought it was the spices.
Tootie: Mrs. G I have to wear this so I can go fool around with Jason!
Mrs. G: Tootie your only 14 trust me you're not ready to handle the dick yet. It almost sent me into a coma when I first tried it! I have sworn it off ever since.
Tootie: Look at me!! I'm not like you!
Mrs. G: Tootie look, It wasn’t until I was 15 when my body was ready... You'll blossom at some point! Maybe tomorrow... maybe 3 years... but when your body is ready we'll probably have another talk... (smiles)
Tootie: well, I guess I can wait for my body to be ready if that's what's going to happen!
Mrs. G: (laughs) Tootie... will you please not roll around like a little harlot tempting me anymore?
Tootie: Thats what I get for wearing Blair's trampy things.
Blair: (walks in brushing her hair) what did I just hear?!?!
Mrs. G: (looks at Tootie and gives her a look)
Tootie: Umm...
Mrs. G: please Tootie... don't steal other people's belongings too... edible underwear... (gives hungry look)
Blair: Hey Mrs. Garrett, could you take me and Tootie into town so we can go shopping?
Mrs. G: what for?
Blair: oh I don’t know... I think we'll go edible panty shopping (smiles at Tootie and puts arm around her)
Tootie: (smiles)
Mrs. G: (Laughs and smiles) alright meet me downstairs in 15 minutes!
Tootie: Why are you doing to take me shopping?
Blair: Because edible panties are all about sharing...(smiles)

----Cafeteria----

Blair and Tootie: (walk in with shopping bags)
Mrs. G: How was shopping?
Tootie: it was funny... these two guys were fighting over Blair and then this hot guy walks by and they both ran after him... (laughs)
Blair: It wasn’t that amusing!! I got 3 new blouses and 2 dominatrix boots!
Tootie: and I got my first edible panty! (smiles)
Nat: where is it?
Blair: She's wearing it...
Tootie: (turns around as if modeling it)
Mrs. G: Looks nice
Jo: yea looks real sexy yes!
Mrs. G: (slaps Jo) don’t go near her she's mine!
Jo: ouch?
Mrs. G: well I am glad that you're accepting that you aren’t ready for you know.. (smiles)
Tootie: Don't worry I also bought this! (smiles and holds up a dildo)
Mrs. G: (laughs, smiles, then hugs Tootie)
Girls: (join in the hugs)

CC
Feb 1st, 2003, 08:14 PM
The Facts of Life?! Nasty! :p ;) :)

c2
Feb 2nd, 2003, 10:00 PM
great one, spirit :)

:eek: holy cow! that cucumber part about knocked me over the edge :eek:

Ryan
Feb 2nd, 2003, 11:13 PM
Spirit the In-laws thing with Venus and Martina nearly killed me! You HAVE to write more! :D


Cybelle, talk about Monty Python meets the WTA. :eek: I can't wait for Part 2. ;)

chapel
Feb 3rd, 2003, 01:53 AM
if the players could just read this they'd probably get a heart attack-- maybe laughing or maybe in shock!

write, spirit, write!

Dokicfan17
Feb 3rd, 2003, 03:34 AM
( In LockerROom)

Venus: I cant wait for the GranD Slams Next year?
Jelena Dokic: Me either
Serena: Your now disowing yugoslavia basically,a nd then pretty soon England, and mayeb USA, so will we see you at any Grand Slam or tournament?
Dokic: Lay Off girl, I have trouble
Serena: you switch nationailties like it's your job

hehe

KoOlMaNsEaN
Feb 3rd, 2003, 04:00 AM
lol this is all to funny lol

CJ07
Feb 3rd, 2003, 04:12 AM
that in laws thing was classic

wouldnt that be something if it happened though?

Spirit
Feb 3rd, 2003, 06:07 AM
Thank you all for the compliments. It's so weird; just one week ago, I was reading all these stories (and I read the first locker room thread, too), thinking, "Goddamn! These are funny! I wish I could think of something like this." Then I did, then again, then again. Each time I ended, I thought I'd finished.

What's really great is that satires like these allow us to say the things that would get us fried in other threads. That Peter Graf / Steffi Graf rant is something I've wanted to say for a long time, but didn't really have anywhere else to say it. (I can't stand crappy tennis parents, but there's no denying their entertainment value.)

I have a few ideas about what to do next, but I don't want to force myself to write something if the inspiration isn't there. I'll give it a few days and see. I think I have one more part in me. In the end, I may just have Mary Carillo, Pam Shriver and Mary Joe Fernandez come in and clean the whole mess up or something. (Or Johnny Mac. He can yell at everyone.) I dunno.

I've written fan fiction for the past six years. If you don't know what that is, it's original fiction, written by fans, based on their favorite TV shows and movies. It's quite a huge hobby among Sci-Fi / Fantasy fans. My shows of choice are so out-of-the-mainstream I won't even attempt to name them here. But Star Wars is pretty mainstream, and I did once write a Christmas filk (I know it sounds nasty, but a "filk" is a fan fiction song parody) based on Episode I, called Anakin Got Run Over by a Sith Lord (http://www.spiritsspace.com/anakin.htm).

And DOH! :::Spirit slaps his forehead.::: I just remembered tonight that months ago I thought of a neat Monica/Steffi situation that I thought might be funny, but I was actually too embarrassed to write it because I thought other fans wouldn't find it funny. I didn't have anywhere to post such a thing. I just realized that I could probably do that here. I'll have to write it up, though, which will take a while. I must sleep, now. Sleeeeeeeeep.

c2
Feb 4th, 2003, 06:35 AM
that's awesome, spirit.. thanks for sharing that.. because in my opinion, that is how creativity works. Someone sparks a thought, it sparks another, and another.. that's what's so great about it. :)

chapel
Feb 4th, 2003, 11:57 AM
spirit---> hurry up! i'll hold my breath til the next work!

Cybelle Darkholme
Feb 6th, 2003, 01:35 AM
The Locker Room at the first ever Fifth Grand Slam of Tennis: The North Korean Open! Monica meditates on the floor while lindsay paces and Justine and Kim arm wrestle! Justine is about to win...

Kim: ow ow ow wait my pinky...

Justine eases up and Kim Slams her arm down on the table!

Kim: Kimmie wins again! Kimmie is the best and biggest belgian in the world!

Justine: You have I think the biggest belgian thighs. Besides you cheated!

Kim: Cheat? Kimmie, Aussie kim, the sweet one doesnt cheat!

Justine: You faked that pinky cramp I know!

Kim: No way! Kimmie would never cheat cause Kimmie is kind and sweet and visits crippled children in hospitals...

Jen: Only when the fucking cameras are like following your ass.

Kim: Kimmie had no idea cnn was following...

Jen: You wrote directions on their goddamn windshield!

Kim: only so they would'nt get los...

Justine: Ha! I shall tell the world you are not so nice and sweet! I shall be the most popular bel...

Lindsay: Will you all shut up! We wont tell anyone anything unless we get out of here!

Justine: gium.. Um did someone say something?

Suddenly the doors to the locker room open and an armed guard escorts anna into the room. She flirts relentlessly but he just pushes her inside and locks the doors. Anna starts crying.

Daniela: Anna are you alirght? He didn't hurt you did he?

Anna: Yes he did! The beast! The horrible beast didn't you see!

Lindsay: oh no what happened?

Anna: So no one is asking what happened? Well he was bringing me back from court and... and..

Jen: Spit it the fuck out already you know!

Anna: He ignored my shake shake wiggle!

Lindsay: youre what?

Anna: My patented trademark shake shake wiggle. It has been known to seduce entire hockey teams into doing my bidding..

Kim: and...

Anna: And I was going to seduce him into giving back my nokia cell phone, retail value 29.99 american, which comes in lovely colors of orange, yellow, violet, and..

Jen slaps Anna.

Jen: Like this is not a fucking endorsement commercial! Just fucking tell us!

Anna: Oh, right, well I shook my hips like this and my ass like that and I wiggled my chest like this and... it didn't work...

Amelie, lounging on a bench wearing a long ankle length tennis dress and a mink stole blows a heart shaped smoke ring at anna.

Amelie: Zat man is zay fool for I would pelt your body with zee thousand cell phones until you were in zee coma.

Anna: Um, thanks I guess. When did you start smoking?

Amelie: I am freanch. I am born with zee ciggy in my mouth.

Justine: She doesn't look well.

Lindsay: Oh course she doesn't look well! She's crazy! She thinks she's possessed! We have to escape before we all go crazy!

Anna: (to herself) my shake shake wiggle... where did you go...

Kim: um, she's possessed by pepe le pew?

Monica: (eyes snap open from her meditation) I just love pepe! Especially when he bought those flowers and..

Lindsay: No you dunces shes possessed by Suzzane...!

Jen: Powter? Susan powter? Like that stop the insanity bitch owes me 20 dollars for that half assed excercise tape!

Daniela: I think she means suzanne lenglen...

Jen: Shut the fuck up toothpick, like your ass knows anything about excercise! Hell my middle finger has more meat on the bone than your chicken legs.

Suddenly Venus steps out of a nearby locker. She takes measurements, eyes a strategically placed lamp, takes it and returns to the locker.

Jen: Like what the hell is that bitch doing?

Amelie: (takes a swig of whiskey) zose williams sisters zey are so kooky with zose full lips and thick hips and...

Kim: Kimmie doesn't think susanne lenglen was a lesbian..

Amelie: No, but she was freanch. Close enough.

Justine: OUCH!

Kim: whats wrong? Kimmie will kiss your booboo and make it better.

Justine: Keep your botox lips to yourself. Her mink bit me! (justine points at amelie's shoudlers where her mink stole raises its head and then scampers off.)

Amelie's mink raises its head and then scampers off.

Jen: That fucking thing is still alive!

Amelie: But of course. I could never hurt something so soft furry and warm...

Daniela: Kill it! I'm soooo hungry...

Daniela starts chasing the mink around the locker room.

Lindsay: Peple we're all stressed out and scared. We need to escape!

Monica: We need to escape. anna did you see anything while on court? Anna?

Anna is in the corner talking to the full length mirror.

Anna: I'm trying to see if this stupid cow knows anything but she refuses to speak! I think she is one of those Ova's trying to take my place! (back to the mirror) You may be pretty in a cheap knock off kind of way but nothing beats the original..

Jen takes off her shoe and whips it across the room at anna breaking the mirror.

Anna: Omigod you killed her! I knew having a felon on tour was bad! I should have signed that petition!

Jen: Like what fucking petition?

Everyone goes quiet.

Kim: Jen, um, it was more of a waiver... dont worry about it, you trust your kimmie don't you? Kimmie would never ever ever do bad things and..

Justine rolls her eyes and starts choking kim from behind.

Justine: IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou...

Monica: I think being locked in here will drive us crazy...

Lindsay: didn't I just say that! why won't anyone listen to me!

Suddenly the locker room doors slam open and the armed guard comes in with jelena dokic dressed in the north korean flag.

Everyone: GASP!

Guard: You will never leave here until you all play for North Korea or you shall die!

Anna: Please no please dont make us wear tacky tennis dresses!

Just then Venus steps out of her locker. She walks over to jelena.

Venus: you do know you're wearing a flag?

Jelena: yes my father made me defect to North Korea and I shall rain communist terror down on the evil western tennis courts!

Venus: MmmHmmm.

Venus whips out pins from her hair, hems Jelena's skirt, attaches some glitter beads and ribbons, trims the sleeves. Everyone gawks in amazement.

Venus: Now you can rain communist terror down in style. (venus holds her hand out to the guard and coughs) my services don't come cheap.

The guard digs out a korean hundred bill venus smiles and shakes her head. he digs out a hundred american and she snatches it, turns around and disappears into her locker.

Linday: You bastards brainwashed jelena!

Monica: You horrible people brainwashed jelena!

Lindsay: I said that already!

Monica: Lindsay, please, no one listens to you I'm only trying to help.

Lindsay: Youre listening to me!

Monica: only because i am on a higher plane.

Kim: monica who are you talking to?

Monica: no one dont worry about it kimmie.

Lindsay: arrgggh!

Guard: You will assimilate and play for us immediately!

Suddenly the ventilation grate pops open and martina hingis falls into the room.

Martina: Guess whos here girls! you thought you could have a new grand slam without me? Ha! I'm ready for my comeback!

Guard: how did you get past the security?!

Martina: you mean those men with the big...

Guard: bazookas...

Martina: pistols. They have no stamina at all I expected better from soldiers but...

Guard: but how could you? they're gay communist soldiers!

Martina: Really? hmm no wonder they struggled so much at first. Oh well when do we hit the courts?

TO Be Continued....

Spirit
Feb 6th, 2003, 02:41 PM
Note to self: do not read cybelledarkholmexx's stories while at work. Rolling on the floor dying with laughter until I pass out is against company regulations, and I can't afford to lose my job.

Sweet Mary, that was funny.

Scorch
Feb 7th, 2003, 08:55 AM
Cybelle, that was VERY VERY funny!!!!:D :worship:

c2
Feb 7th, 2003, 03:00 PM
hahahahaha :D great one cybele... my favorite parts:

"It's one of those Ovas who's trying to take my place!"

Enter Jelena Dokic wearing a North Korean flag...

BWWAAAAH HHAAA HAAAA! :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

chapel
Feb 8th, 2003, 12:22 AM
cybelle
funny! just simply funny! fave part were when lindsay was invisible, venus making dokic's clothes and dani chasing the animal. i would normally defend dani in cases like this but that was just too hilarious for me. good job cybelle!

spirit
...still waiting!

Asmus
Feb 8th, 2003, 04:51 AM
ROTFLMAO!

sartrista7
Feb 8th, 2003, 02:50 PM
cybelle and Spirit - you rock :D

c2
Feb 8th, 2003, 02:56 PM
satrista7 -- what about me?? :confused: :sad: ;)

c2
Feb 8th, 2003, 03:00 PM
oh and cybele -- "rain communist terror down on the evil western tennis courts" .. I can't stop laughing at that -- it's before 7 AM and still, I'm laughing :D

cheeky
Feb 9th, 2003, 02:02 AM
HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
I WANT MORE!!!!:worship:

barmaid
Feb 9th, 2003, 04:13 AM
Funny one cybelle!!:D


barmaid:wavey:

Spirit
Feb 9th, 2003, 10:54 PM
Okay, this won't be as funny as everything else people have written. I wrote this several months ago and I'm grateful for a forum in which to post it.

This is meant to have taken place sometime during 2001 or 2002.


<Monica Seles is lying on a bed in a modest nightgown in a hotel room, talking on the phone.>

Monica: Mom, everything's okay, really. The paramedics said the ball boy would recover. I didn't hit him that hard.

<Pause.>

No, he wasn't mad.

<Pause.>

Yes, I promise to keep ahold of my racket when I serve tomorrow. You know it doesn't usually fly out of my grip like that.

<Pause.>

No, I don't know who I'm playing in the next round, I didn't have time to check everyone else's results. Mom, please, it's been a long day and I'm tired. I want to go to bed. Okay. I love you, too. Bye-bye.

<Monica hangs up the phone. A few seconds later there is a knock at the door. Monica, confused, approaches the door. (There is, of course, no peep-hole in the door.)>

Monica: Who is it?

<The voice that answers is clearly that of a woman. It is a slightly low-pitched voice and speaks calmly.>

Voice: Candygram.

Monica: What?

Voice: Candygram.

Monica: Who on Earth would have sent me a candygram?

Voice (after a pause): Uh...your mother?

Monica (glancing back at the phone): I...just got through talking to my mother. She didn't mention any candygram.

Voice: She got the order out to us very fast.

Monica: Look, my mother doesn't send candygrams. I think you've got the wrong room.

<Monica moves away from the door, but the knock comes again.>

Monica: Who is it?

<The voice is the same.>

Voice: Pizza delivery.

Monica: I didn't order a pizza.

Voice: Are you sure?

Monica: Yes!

Voice (after a pause): It smells great.

Monica: I'm sure it does. But I didn't order a pizza.

Voice: Room service.

Monica (growing exasperated): How could you be room service? You cleaned the room just this morning!

Voice: I missed a spot.

Monica: Well, I'm about to go to bed, and the room looks fine.

Voice: It's Pete Sampras.

Monica: Pete Sampras?

Voice: Yes. It's...it's Pete.

Monica: I know Pete Sampras, and you don't sound anything like him!

Voice: I've got a cold.

Monica: You've got a cold?

Voice: Yes. That's why I sound this way.

Monica (happy now): Oh, well Pete, why didn’t you say so?

<Monica unlocks the door and opens it, then screams as a shark lunges through the door, closes its mouth around her head, and drags her out into the hallway. Then the shark enters the room and the person inside the shark suit pries apart the jaws to reveal the face of Steffi Graf, who looks directly into the camera.>

Steffi: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

<*****Your standard Don Pardo SNL intro goes here.*****>

Don Pardo: ...musical guest, Elton John! And your co-hosts, Monica Seles and Steffi Graf!

<Shot of the blinking "On Air" sign and we see the studio.>

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Steffi Graf and Monica Seles!

<Steffi and Monica come out to stand before the audience.>

Monica: Hello, welcome to the show. Steffi and I are very pleased to be hosting Saturday Night Live!

Steffi: Yes, and we have a very special surprise announcement. Tonight, after the show is over, Monica and I will play a special exhibition match at 2:00 in the morning.

<The audience goes wild.>

Monica: That's right. It will be televised, but it wasn't announced beforehand because we wanted it to be only for people who tuned into Saturday Night Live. And anyone in the studio audience who wants to come, join us at Arthur Ashe Stadium and Steffi and I will play tennis under the lights for you.

<Audience goes nuts again. Chris Kattan walks onto the stage, looking very humble and apologetic.>

Chris: Ladies? Uh, ladies? I'm very, very sorry, but we've had a good look at the budget and, uh, we've decided that we can't do the exhibition match the way we planned.

<Steffi and Monica get upset.>

Monica: But you said we could play a match!

Steffi: Yeah, that was going to be the big highlight! And we just promised all these people!

Chris: I know, I know, and I'm sorry. Look, the match will go on, we've just had to make a few modifications, that's all.

Monica: What kind of modifications?

<As she says this, Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Fallon carry a ping-pong table onto the stage and carefully place it just behind Chris, Monica and Steffi. Steffi and Monica stare at it in wonder.>

Steffi: What is this?

Chris: Well, like I said, we had to make a few modifications because of the budget. We thought we'd go ahead and play the match now, you know...get it out of the way.

<Tracy carries out a chair with a microphone attached to it and sets it next to the ping-pong table, right at the net. Rachel Dratch comes on stage, also.>

Monica: I don’t believe this! We’re going to play ping-pong?!

Chris (slightly offended): Monica, please! It's not ping-pong, it's table tennis.

Steffi: But I don't know the rules of ping-pong.

<Chris glares at her.>

Steffi: …uh…table tennis.

Chris: Well, that's okay, because you're not going to be playing traditional table tennis. We've decided to let you go ahead and play a bone fide regular tennis match, just using a table tennis setup instead of a full-fledged tennis court. Tracy will be your official, Jimmy and Rachel are your linesmen, and I'll be your ball boy. Here you go.

<Chris hands Steffi a ping-pong ball.>

Monica: How are we supposed to play regular tennis? There aren't any service lines.

Chris: That’s been taken care of, too.

<Several people come out and hurriedly tape a couple of service lines across the table, then leave.>

Chris: Okay? Let's play!

<Chris crouches down on the other side of the table, looking intense and ready to spring at a moment's notice. Tracy sits in the chair. Jimmy (stage left) and Rachel (stage right) stand beyond either end of the table with their hands clasped, looking official. Steffi and Monica look bewildered, but see no choice but to continue.>

Steffi: Um, okay. I won the toss backstage, so I guess I'll serve. <To Monica.> Uh…do you want me to serve a 100 mile-per-hour overhand, or…

Monica: Please don't.

Steffi: Okay.

<Steffi and Monica position themselves, Steffi taking the end of the table facing stage left. Monica prepares to receive serve by gripping her ping-pong paddle with both hands, experimentally waving it back and forth.

Tracy: Seats, everyone. Quiet, please. Thank you.

<Steffi serves the ball, but it doesn't land in the service box.>

Rachel (as loud as she possibly can): FAULT!

<Monica and Steffi both jump, then continue as best as they can. Monica tosses the ball back to Steffi, who serves again, more gently this time. The serve is in. (She and Monica must hit the ball gently for the next few shots in order to keep the ball in play as best as possible, or the next gag won’t work so well.)>

<Although Monica hits the ball gently back to Steffi (two-handed), she proceeds to yell loudly every time she does.>

Monica (while hitting the first time): Uh-EEH!

<Steffi looks flabbergasted, but continues playing.>

Monica (while hitting the second time): Uh-EEH!

<Steffi reacts even more.>

Monica (while hitting the third time): Un-EEH!

<Steffi catches the ball and stops play.>

Steffi: Monica...Monica...

Monica (looking confused): What?

<Steffi holds up the ping-pong ball and takes a deep breath, trying to find the words to say what she wants to say politely.>

Steffi: Monica. <Pause.> I like you.

Monica (surprised): Well...uh...I...I like you too, Steffi.

<Steffi hesitates some more, then takes the plunge.>

Steffi: Monica, it's the grunting. It's got to stop!

Monica (throwing her arms up in the air): That again?!

Steffi: I'm sorry, Monica, really, but this just isn't working.

Monica: Steffi, we've been over this before. This is a natural exhalation of my breath that happens when I hit the ball.

Steffi: But Monica, we're not on a tennis court any more! We're not hitting 60-mile-an-hour baseline winners, it's a tiny ping-pong table.

Chris: Table tennis!

Steffi: Whatever. Look, Monica, I don't want to argue with you about this. The grunting, it bothered me sometimes when we played, but now I'm retired and it's not my problem any more. Now it's Jennifer’s problem.

Monica: I refuse to be self-conscious about it!

Steffi: I'm not asking you to. All I'm saying is that since this tennis court (she glances at Chris for a second) is a lot smaller in scale than a regular tennis court, perhaps your grunts should be lower, as well, to fit the scale of the game we're playing.

<As Steffi says the word "lower," she makes a "lower" type motion with her hands outstretched and facing down, and she bends her knees ever so slightly, trying to convey her idea to Monica with body language as well as words.>

Monica (bending her knees ever so slightly, also): Lower.

Steffi: That's right, lower. <Steffi bends her knees some more.>

Monica (nodding): Lower. <Her knees bend again, also.>

Steffi (nodding): Okay?

Monica: Okay.

<They stand up again and resume play. Monica's grunting disappears, but she continues to play two-handed. After several hits, Monica hits the ball into the net. Chris LEAPS onto the table, grabs the ball as if the entire world were at stake, making a huge production out of it, and leaps off the table again to resume his place. He eyes are flashing and his face is flush, adrenaline pumping through his system. Steffi and Monica stare at him in shock.>

Steffi: Can I have the ball, please?

Chris (immediately returning to normal): Sure, here. (He hands the ball to Steffi.)

<Steffi and Monica switch to the ad out side. Steffi serves again. After a few hits, Steffi suddenly slams the ball onto Monica's side of the table, very close to the line.>

Tracy: Out!

Steffi: What do you mean, "Out?" That was in!

<Steffi and Tracy start arguing viciously. Tracy eventually gets out of his chair and goes nose-to-nose with Steffi. Finally...>

Steffi: That ball was in! <She slams her paddle onto the table.>

Tracy: That does it! You're disqualified! You're outta here! Monica wins the match!

<Steffi just sighs and folds her arms.>

Steffi: You can't eject me, I'm one of tonight's hosts.

Monica (puzzled): And how could I win? I didn't even score any points.

Tracy: Doesn't matter. This home turkey don't put up with no crap, so I say you won. Match over!

<Steffi and Monica shrug.>

Tracy: Let's have the award ceremony. Bring out the trophy!

<Horatio Sanchez comes on stage grinning like a maniac and stands next to Monica. He isn't holding any trophy.>

Tracy: Here you go!

<All the SNL cast members on stage begin clapping.>

Monica: I don't understand. Where's the trophy?

Tracy: Horatio's the trophy!

Horatio (still grinning insanely): Hi Bayyyyy-bee!

<Steffi tries to conceal a smile and pats Monica on the arm.>

Steffi: Way to go Monica. I'm sure you two will be happy together.

Horatio: Thanks!

Steffi: Okay, everyone, there's lots more of the show to come.

Monica: That's right! Elton John is here, so stick around!


<Cut to commercial break.>


I actually tried to write several skits featuring both women throughout this "episode," but just like the real SNL, they were more stupid than funny. The more I wrote, the dumber they got.

I have to wonder, however, what a Williams sisters SNL episode would look like.

I'm leaving on a 10-day vacation, and I won't have access to the web. I fully expect this thread to be here when I get back. :)

Jennifer's wife
Feb 10th, 2003, 12:42 AM
this thread is so funny!!:worship: i was up til 02:30 reading it all last night..........almost makes me wanna rite sum!!:p

CJ07
Feb 10th, 2003, 12:50 AM
ok...

V and Serena will probably do SNL eventually, cant wait :)

Cybelle Darkholme
Feb 15th, 2003, 12:06 AM
Meanwhile Back in the Locker Room....

Daniela stands in the corner nibbling on a styrofoam cup. Amelie spots her and gasps!

Amelie: Zat girl twiggy! Look at her!

Martina races over and slaps the cup out Daniela's hand.

Martina: Are you crazy?

Daniela: Hey that was my lunch!

Martina: Your what? You must be loony!

Monica: I hear styrofoam is a hallucengic in some cultures.

Jen: Really? Sticks get your bony ass over here and like give me that cup!

Kim: Jen! Kimmie thinks you are a big bull.

Justine: its bully! The word is bully!

Kim: Bull, kimmie meant bull. Now come here daniela I will share my protein powder with you.

Jen: I fucking wonder whose protein it is! No wonder you and the aussie boy wonder look so much alike.

Martina: May I have some of that please.

Daniela: Nigel says styrofoam builds muscle.

Kim: Kimmie can't believe you believed him.

Justine: no wonder her court strategy is as deep as a puddle.

Daniela: I have strategy! I have the strategy to beat the sisters!

Everyone leans in whipping out notepads and tape recorders.

Daniela: Well first you stay inside the service line no matter if its a first serve....

Monica: Um but they serve 120mp! Why do you do that?

Daniela: so you intimidate them. Second, you never change your tactics even if its going bad...

Amelie: Zat does not sound so sound. Why do zat?

Daniela: Because that shows them you are confident with your game even if you are losing.

Jen: Like I knew that shit already you know.

Amelie: Zen how come you have not beaten the sisters, twiggy?

Daniela: well because of the third step... they must make 50 unforced errors every set.

Everyone rolls their eyes and goes back to what they were doing.

Martina: Well I think I am the only one here who as beaten the sisters back to ....

Jen: Geezus fucking H. Christ! Like do we have to hear this old ass shit again? You're like a fucking VCR with all your back to back, rewind, back to back, rewind, back to back bullshit!

Martina: Don't be bitter with me! I'm not the one skidding into career suicide.

Kim: Um, martina, um, Kimmie thought you retired?

Martina: Ha! My plan fooled you all!

Monica: What plan? To free us?

Martina: Free you? I'm the one who had you all kidnapped so I could make my big comeback and rule the WTA!

Lindsay: So why are you here then?

Martina: Wh...what was that? Is the locker room haunted?

Monica: no, its just that lindsay has zero personality so it causes her to phase out of reality. She wants to know why you showed up here.

Matina: So I can be the first to win the fifth grand slam! It will cement my new dominance!

Justine: There is no fifth slam. It was just a trick to get us all here! Didn't you plan all this?

Martina: No, I mean, yes, I mean I just had mommy dearest do everything! So there is no tournament?

Kim: yes but its an exhibition..

Martina: Nooooooooooo!

Jen: Exhibition! Nobody like told me a porno shoot was going down! I like left my thongs back in palm beach.

Daniela: At least god still smiles on us.

Martina: So what is the surface?

Jelena: You don't want to know. Trust me.

Martina: Why? What is it?

Lindsay grabs the remote control and clicks on the closed circuit TV.

Martina: POLTERGEISTS!

Monica: No just lindsay.

Martina: oh thats right.<to the air> why don't you warn us first you...you... um who was I talking about?

The screen flickers to life showing an ice rink.

Martina: What is that? The ice capades?

Amelie: no.

Martina: oh now I see the lines painted on the ice...and look the net! And...and...who is that...surya bonaly....

Martina stares at the screen wideeyed as suddenly the figure serves, skates to the net doing a double lutz and swing volleys a winner on the return of serve! Serena does a quick lay back spin and blows kisses to the camera.

Martina: NOOOOOOOOOO! Why... why couldn't it have been tar?

Jen: Geezus fuck! Get like a back bone already!

Martina: Oh so you are not afraid of serena on ice?

Justine: Actually its "Disney Presents Sony Presenting Serena on Ice" TM. She got an endoresement.

Monica: Oh my her endoresements have endorsements...

Jen: I AM NOT AFRAID OF MISS SWEARENA! And I'm not the one who retired either!

Martina: Yes well I certainly would retire rather than be marlene weingarter's bitch.

Jen: Well like at least I'm still the fucking third best like player in the world!

Monica discreelty whispers into Jen's ear. Jen's jaw drops as she stares at Justine, Kim, Amelie, and Danilea, who all run and hide.

Jen: Godddamit! Well at least I have my Olympic gold medal.

Monica winces and then whispers into Jen's ear again. Jen turns a fiery red.

Jen: He put it where! Goddamit my fucking brother and his fucking butt toys! Can't he keep that shit out of his butt?

Everyone breaks out laughing.

Lindsay: I can't take this anymore! We should be planning our escape.

Monica: Girls we should be planning our escape.

Lindsay: AHHHHHH! stop stealing all my ideas!!!

Lindsay leaps across to Monica and starts shaking her vigorously.

Amelie: Look! Look! Ze Monica Seles! She is having ze seizure!

Suddenly the locker room doors burst open and Serena skates into the room followed by a cameraman and crew and a little man in a military outfit clad in medals.

Serena: <to camera> so then after I won the first set I decided to go get my nails done and I got back just in time to finish her off in the third 6-0.<she shows the cameraman her nails> don't you think they're pretty?

Kim: Serena, Kimmie wants to know how you are ice skating on cement?

Serena: whoops it must be all my lower body strength.

Monica: Is that CNN with you?

Serena: no, MTV. CNN and ABC and NBC and CBS are coming next week.

All: WE'RE SAVED!

Serena: No, I'm saved because I'm a devout J.W. Praise the lord and deliver me a pizza... I mean evil.

Amelie: You ze Sereeenah Williams are a follower of zat awful George Bush?

Serena: Not G.W. J.W. You know, Jevoah Witless!

Justine: oh yes I have heard of that cul...<serena glares>...oool religion.

Serena: anyway I just got back from the court and you girls should see the trophy I'm going to win!

General: That is no trophy! That is a nuclear missile!

Serena: Wow, I've never won a missile before. It's kinda drab but once I glue on some rhinestones it'll sparkle right up!

General: You driving me insane!

Daniela: Serena who is that with you?

Serena: Where are my manners?

Jen: <sotto>Wherever your mother is...

Serena: What was that pot girl?

Jen: I don't even like smoke that shit anymore during tournaments!

Serena: I wasn't referring to your smoking habits<she eyes jen's belly>

Jen: I'MGONNAPOPYOUALLTHEWAYTOTHELIKEMOON!

Everyone holds Jen back before she goes ballistic on Serena.

Serena: Oooo I wonder if I could make moon rock earrings? Anyway my friend here is lil general Kim. He's the tournament director.

General: My name is not Lil General Kim! I am Kim Jong II! I am dictator not a tournament director!

Serena: Stop playin' lil general kim. You crack me up. Now go get me a coke before I refuse to play here next year.

The General goes to the soda machine.

Justine: Um, serena, he really is the dictator of north korea...

Serena: Oh hello and you are...

Justine: Its me, justine henin...

Justine's cell phone rings. She anwers it.

Justine:<to cell phone> yes, yes I know we're married! Yes I know my name is hypenated! You didn't give me time enough to finish saying it! Stop crying! Hardenne! Hardenne! Are you happy?

Justine hangs up the phone.

Serena: oh you poor thing. Dosmetic problems must be hard for a towel girl.

Justine: I am no towel girl!

Serena: Ball girl?

Justine: No!

Serena: Voyeristic lesbian? Because we get plenty of those in here.

Justine: No! I am a tennis player!

Serena: Really? Good for you girlfriend. You keep at it maybe you'll make something of it. okay?

Justine: I am in the top ten! I beat you last year! Berlin? Remember?

Serena: oh, I must have been asleep during that match. Sometimes I sleep play. Sorry. So, youre telling me we're in North Korea?

All: YES!

Serena: I could have sworn this was china town.

Just then LiL General Kim returns with Serena's coke and gives it to her.

Serena: Thanks. I just love Coke, its refreshing and light and has only one calorie!

Serena takes a drink when suddenly Venus' head pops out of her locker.

Venus: Serena, we endorse Pepsi, not coke.

Serena spits out the Coke on LiL General Kim just as Venus disappears back into her locker.

Serena: Blah!<to camera> You see that? I just gave you Coca Cola people the williams sisters seal of approval so you better cut me a check. Lil general kim, go get me a pepsi.

General: No I will not do this!

Serena: Listen lil general kim I'm not feeling your attitude. Did you even pay my appearance fee?

General: You've been kidnapped! You get no appearance fee!

Serena: Kidnapped? Well thats an extra ten thousand.<to camera> Hi MTV! Did you all know I plan to donate a portion of my nuclear missle to my favorite charity?

Just then Serena spots a blonde mess crumpled in the corner sweating and shaking and heading her way.

Serena: ew. what is that?

Monica: Oh thats anna.

Serena: Well can someone get rid of her? She's ruining my act of compassion here.

Jen: Shes like a freaking strung out addict you know?

Serena: really? whats she addicted to?

Kim: Cameras.

Anna paws at Serena's skates while she keeps pressing her old disposable camera over and over.

Anna: Click... Click....Click...

Serena: Ew shes touching me!

Amelie: Zat kornikova has been zat way ever since her batteries died. I know how she feels. When zee batteries die the fun is gone.

Monica: Omigod! Should we bury the batteries?

Anna: Click..click...click...serena please I need the lights... I need the action... I need the camera...click...

Anna pets her disposable camera like it was her long lost pet.

Anna: its okay...its not your fault... you tried to love me but... but...your batteries died! WHAAAAH!

Suddenly anna tackles Serena and steps in front of the camera where she amazingly gets blonder and blonder and prettier and prettier and wrinkle free...

Anna: Hello world! I'm back! Love me! Love me!

Daniela: Omigod she's sucking the life force out of the tv audience!

Martina: whatever, I taught her that trick.

Anna: Anna's back!

Monica: Um you never left. You were crying in the corner going click...click.. remember?

Anna: Oh yeah...well you shut up!

Suddenly Serena whips something out of her gym bag.

Kim: Oh no she's got the hot glue gun!

Serena: Anna back off before I glue those lips so tight enrique will never get in again!

Anna: No! My smile is not my best feature anyway!

Serena: I wasnt' talking about those lips.

Anna: oh...I'm moving now.

Serena:<to camera>Hello again MTV and welcome to the locker room MTV! The natural habitat of the losers and lesbians.

Cameraman: Which is which?

Serena: Hell if I know. I just walk through here to my private suite. Follow me.

Serena leads the cameraman and crew through the locker room to venus's locker where she opens the door and they all go inside. All the other players stare and then follow slowly to the locker and look inside....

To be continued....

CC
Feb 15th, 2003, 12:35 AM
I think Cybelle is trying to kill us!:D

Jennifer's wife
Feb 15th, 2003, 12:37 AM
:bounce: LMAO! (again):worship:

Cybelle Darkholme
Feb 17th, 2003, 12:47 AM
bump

PhoenixStorm
Feb 20th, 2003, 12:27 AM
Funny Stuff! We want more Cybelle and Spirit! More!

chapel
Feb 20th, 2003, 04:17 AM
love the part where anna k was talking to her camera and also the part where daniela h was nibbling the styrofoam!

Gangsta_Girl
Feb 21st, 2003, 12:01 AM
These are all so damn hilarious :D

I'll try one. :eek:

(Justine in the shower bellowing out...Gonna get rowdy. gonna get A little unruly...gonna get dirty!!!)

Amelie: oui oui yum yum zounds grreat

Juju: You like my voice??

Amelie: Actually i was on about the words, but your voice is truly beautiful too.

Juju: *blushing* Thank u Amelie you are so kind.

Martina.H :Justine dont listen her

Jen: Yeah u totally stunk.

Martina: No I mean its just a ploy to get u into bed.

Venus: I take it ur talking from experiance.

Martina: Everyone wants a bite of my cherry

Jen: Xavier turned ur ass down.

Martina: I only fell on top of him because of my ankle it snapped i needed something to support me.

Jen: Support. That reminds me a have a bra comercial.

All: You

Jen: Yeah what the fuck u like trying to say.

All: Nothing.

Jen: Later dykes.

Martina: Im glad shes gone shes such a bitch.

Venus: Your a slut.

Martina: At least I dont have to pay some guy to be my pretend boyfriend and have sex with me.

Amelie: Me, well I always pay them I mean the more dough the lower they go.

Venus: Ugh You nasty hoes im off to find some decent people.

Serena pops out.

Serena: Am I decent enough for you sis.

Venus: (cracking a fake smile) Sure sis.

Serena: You want to practice? You could sure learn a few things.....oops did I say that out loud.

Venus: What did u say.

Serena: Lets be real naaw home gurl. Im totally Phat!

Venus: Yeah FAT ur ass alone weighs more the Daniela's whole body.

Juju: Even mine does.

Venus: Yeah ur right bad example. Your ass weighs more than a small country.

Serena: So does my trophy cabinet.

Richard Williams walks in.

Richard: Oooh My girls, how u doing 1,2 in the world. :D. Its so good to see you getting on so well. Most other families would have tension between them but not my girls.

Venus: Yeah daddy me and sis are CLOSER than ever.

*They give each other a massive hug*

Richard: Oh its All good. Thank Jehova. Im off then Im holding a press conference on my white socks.
Bye.

(The girls release their hug)

Venus: Your breasts are squashing me.

Serena: You just wish u had mine.

Juju: I really do!

Amelie: No Juju ur chest is perfect. Just prrrfect.

Juju: Oh Amelie We should do stuff together.

Amelie: I TOTALLY agree!!

Juju: Me and my husband are going to the premier of the new Belgian movie. You should come with us.

Amelie: You and your huband???? Are there any virgins left on the tour!

Juju: Im so in love with him.

Amelie: Sweet. I um suddenly remembered I'd got to do zomething....

Martina: Find another prey.

Serena: No really you dont have to pray to me its not Sunday yet.

Asmus
Feb 21st, 2003, 03:40 AM
Lindsay walks in.

Lindsay: Look who's here! It's Martina Hingis, visiting from retirement!

Kim: Wow, it's so nice to see you back, Martina. I've always admired you.

Justine: Yeah, Kimmy, remember when we were watching her win her last slam? It was so exciting.

Kim: I remember! Right, it was when she made a fool out of herself with her homophobic comments!

Justine: Remember the conversation we were having after the match? About what it would be like to kiss a boy?

Kim: And we were dancing to the Spice Girls! "Stop right now, thank you very much!"

Lindsay: Ah, I remember that too. Not too fondly, since I should have fucking won that slam. But that was a simpler time. The Democrats were still in the White house and the US was not at war. The good old days.

Jennifer: Lindsay, that's what it was like last time YOU won a slam!

Lindsay: Touché.

Serena: Thank GOD the Republicans were in power by the time I started winning every single slam I played...now I have so many extra millions of dollars to buy garden gnomes on Ebay! Look at this one! Isn't it cute? It cost $5000.

Venus: Not to mention the fact that our endorsement with McDonald's is tax free. You know, we should all go there right now. Especially you, Daniela!

Daniela: But I had an Egg McMuffin for breakfast and I have a Big Mac every week! I can't help it if I don't gain weight!

Monica: I'm going to fucking kill you!

Lindsay: There there, Monica, now just keep eating your celery and eventually you will win a slam again. It worked for me!

Monica: Lindsay, just because you're skinny doesn't mean you win any more than you used to.

Martina: Why is everyone ignoring me?

Jennifer: Hey, didn't you use to be Martina Hingis?

Martina: I have a new boyfriend! I two-timed Sergio Garcia with him, and now I'm going to two-time this guy with Carlos Moya.

Jennifer: Carlos only dates ACTIVE players, Hinguita. I think you might be a little old.

*Martina starts to cry and runs out. Lindsay follows her, and Anna K enters. She notices Kim and Justine, who are still dancing the Spice Girls*

Anna: Hey, did you know that I actually met the Spice Girls?

Serena: Yeah, wasn't that the last time you were a credible player?

Anna: I am still credible, thank you very much. Just today I defeated Nuria Llagostera in straight sets! And six months ago I was in the finals of Shanghai!

Serena: No comment....

Bright Red
Feb 22nd, 2003, 06:28 PM
Forgive me if my story isn't an epic adventure. I've never had the patience nor talent to write a long story

*********************************************

Venus and Serena walk into the locker room after winning a doubles match. Jennifer is coming out of the shower and Lindsay is standing around. Venus and Serena hi-five.

Venus: (to Serena) I guess they'll think twice about moonballing us again. We really gave them a beat down.

Serena: We sure did, girl. I'm so pumped right now, girl. I'm going to be so ready to win the SINGLES title tomorrow. I'm not talking trash since I know you and I will be playing against each other...AGAIN..., but I'm pumped. All I'm saying, girl, is that you better watch out for me tomorrow.

Lindsay: (to Venus) Are you going to take that? (before Venus can answer, Lindsay interrupts and asks Serena) So you're pumped, eh? Speaking of pumped, or rather, "getting" pumped. Did you know Jennifer's getting ready to go over to Matthew Perry's place?

Serena: Really? I thought they had broken up.

Venus: Some people break all the Commandments. Jennifer don't you know it's wrong to have pre-marital sex?

Jennifer: Please, Venus. Just because you are Jehovahs Witnesses doesn't mean you don't get jiggy with it. (to Serena) And you, I heard that Ke-Ron Jackson..

Serena: It's Keshawn, dear.

Jennifer: ...I heard that Keshawn Jackson sent you 1,000 roses for every time he's tapped that hiney.

Serena: You're such a liar, Jennifer! I now see how rumors are started. Keshawn only sent me 240 roses. Please get it right.

Venus: I'm shocked, Serena.

Lindsay: Lighten up, Venus. Serena is a woman, and women have needs. I must admit. (Lindsay falls into a state of dreamy eroticism, and starts caressing herself and moaning).

Venus: Ugh, Lindsay. Get a room! Sheesh, I'm in a room full of Jezebels.

(Hingis and Anna K enters).

Venus: Speaking of Jezebels...(rolls eyes).,,What are you doing in here, Martina? Didn't you retire?

Martina: I didn't exactly say that I have retired. I said that because the pain in my ankle makes it difficult...(Venus interrupts)

Venus: Yeah, yeah. But you're still a Jezebel.

Martina: Am not.

Lindsay: You are, dear. The whole world knows that like doing the nasty all of the time.

Martina: I do not!

Serena: You do too, Martina. But since you don't think you do. Tell us exactly when DO you like to "do it"?

Martina: Ok, Let's see. I like doing it when I'm happy, and also when I'm a little sad. I love doing it first thing in the morning, and also when my man comes home for lunch, but not while I'm drinking a Coke. Of course, everyone likes doing it at night. Finally, I like doing it at the pool, or in a secluded outdoor area or when I'm away on vacation. Other than that, I don't do it at all. Unless I'm horny.

Lindsay: Well that clears it right up, Martina.

Anna K: I could have told you that.

Martina: Well, if I'm loose, Anna, then you're wide open.

Anna: Am not.

Martina: Weren't you just doing hi kicks in a mini skirt in front of all of those male fans? Didn't you realize that they only wanted to see your panties, and not how flexible you are.

Anna: I knew they'd try to see my panties. But I fooled them (starts laughing and holding her sides) I didn't have on any panties.

Martina: (with hand on her forehead) Oh dear.

Anna: I guess I showed them.

Serena: (smirking) Literally.

Spirit
Mar 5th, 2003, 09:45 PM
Spirit’s Stupid Time Portal Story
Part 4


<Martina N. snaps her fingers in front of Martina H.'s face.>

Martina N.: She's not coming out of it.

<Martina H. continues to stare blankly at the wall. Venus is also still in shock.>

<Anna comes bouncing back in, Amelie following close behind. Or should that be, closely following her behind?>

Anna: Hi, everyone! Guess what just happened? The official told me that I get to play again in the NEXT ROUND! Can you believe it?

JCap: You mean you won?

Anna: Yes! It was so neat!

<Anna bounds over to Martina H.>

Anna: Hey, Co-Queen and Sometimes-Doubles-Partner! I get to play again in Singles!

<Martina H. continues to stare at the wall.>

Anna: What's wrong with her? <She begins to cry.> Did I break her?

Kim: No, she's just had a bad shock. Some people came from the future and told her she and Venus would be fellow in-laws. Monica and Steffi, too. We sent them all back before they could do any more damage.

<Anna looks around. Monica and Steffi are brooding silently on opposite sides of the locker room.>

Anna (still sniffling): But I wanted Martina to congratulate me! I've waited for this moment for so long, and now she's a cold vegetable zombie. It's just not fair!

Martina N.: Well...okay...congratulations, Anna!

Anna: <sniffle> I meant the other Martina. But thanks for trying.

Justine: Why did you call Martina your Co-Queen?

Anna: Well, that's how we resolved our fight in South America. We figured that if Monica and Steffi could be Co-#1's, we could be Co-Queens.

Serena (scratching her head): You know, as weird as that sounds, I can't dispute the logic of that.

Anna: Yeah, I know, sometimes things just make sense. Kind of like why all the ladies on the tour carry small dogs with them wherever they go, but never cats!

Serena (utterly confused): Um...no, not like that at all.

<Melanie Molitor walks in, dressed in a black gown and a tall pointed black hat. She carries a broom and has a wart on her nose. She looks around the locker room, scowling at every single woman.>

Melanie: Lesbian. Lesbian. Lesbian. Lesbian lesbian lesbian. Get your eyes off my daughter! Lesbian.

Patty Schnyder (dreamily): You missed me, Ms. Molitor.

Melanie (scowling at Patty): Weirdo.

<Patty sighs in pleasure at the Univeral Harmony of it all. Elena D. just shakes her head sadly.>

<Melanie walks up to Martina H.>

Melanie: Martina, dear, what are you doing sitting over here by the...

<Melanie looks over her shoulder, just a bit, and whispers.>

Melanie: ...sisters? You should be somewhere better.

<Martina H. continues to stare at the wall. Melanie slaps her.>

Martina H.: What? What? Oh, mommee! Thank goodness you are here! I had another nightmare!

Melanie (smiling warmly as she hugs her daughter and getting lost in the moment): There, there, sweetie. It wasn't the nightmare about being chased by the Ken and Barbie dolls, was it? You know the doctors have said you can talk about it any time you want.

<Melanie's and Martina H.'s eyes both pop open wide as they suddenly remember they're surrounded by other people. Everyone else looks at the floor and tries to stop smirking.>

<Melanie and Martina H. let go of each other, stand up straight or sit up straight, pretending that didn't just happen.>

Serena: You know, Melanie, I just can't stand the way you treat me and my sister like we're second-class citizens.

Melanie: I don't treat you like you're second-class citizens, Venus.

Serena: I'm Serena.

Melanie: Whatever. I just despise you, your sister, your father, your mother, and every moment I've ever had to be in your presence.

<Melanie then sees Venus's little dog poking its head up over the edge of her bag.>

Melanie: And your little dog, too! But it's nothing personal.

Venus: But you've got to learn to live with us! We're going to be related, soon!

Melanie (suddenly dancing around hysterically): AAACK! Lesbians! You're both lesbians and you're after my daughter! I knew it! I knew it!

Lindsay: You've been talking to Damir, haven't you?

Kim: What have you got against lesbians?

Melanie: Lesbians are evil and disgusting and they're always conniving after my beautiful daughter, and after me, too! They should all be wiped from the face of the earth!

Justine: Um...who was it you named your daughter after, again?

Melanie: Why? What does that have to do with anything?

Justine (sighing and rolling her eyes): Oh, nothing. (She tosses a wry grin to Martina N., who is just sitting on a bench shaking her head.)

Martina H.: No, mommee, I just remembered! That was what the nightmare was about, but it was real! Some people from the future told me that my daughter and Venus's future son will get married!

<Melanie looks shocked, then glares at Patty Schnyder.>

Melanie: You've been giving my daughter some of your damned orange juice, haven't you? You stay away from my little champion!

Patty: I love you, I love you, I love you.

Martina H.: No, it's true! People come through the time portal and tell us these things!

<Martina H. points at the time portal. Melanie squints at it for the first time.>

Melanie: Oh, is that what that is? I saw all those colors out of the corner of my eye. I just thought it was Bud Collins standing around getting his jollies.

<The time portal and the recent family revelations are quickly explained to Melanie.>

Martina H. (getting flustered): ...and she said...me...Venus...

<Martina H. gestures wildly at Venus and can't find the words.>

Venus: Don’t you have some ankle problems to deal with, or something?

Melanie: Well, I've already had enough of this. I think someone ought to do something about this time portal. Didn't any of you girls think of reporting this to the authorities? Or did you all just stand around with your thumbs up your asses gawking at it? Honestly, I don't know about you young ladies, sometimes!

<Everyone else in the locker room is looking at the ceiling or has her eyes closed, waiting impatiently for Melanie to finish her tirade.>

Melanie: I mean, in my day, if something horrible happened, like if there was an avalanche in the next village, or if Wayne Newton came to town on tour, or if a time vortex appeared in the street, we would roll up our sleeves and do something about it! Well, all of you can just sit around here in your pristine little white underwear! I'm going to do something about this mess!

<Melanie stomps out of the locker room. Patty calls after her.>

Patty: I love you! Let the rainbow and the moonbeams of your soul take you where you want to go!

<Melanie sticks her head back into the room for a second.>

Melanie (to Patty): You stay away from my little champion, freak!

<Melanie leaves again. Patty draws a breath to say something else, but Elena D. puts her hand over Patty's mouth.>

Venus: You know, I have just had it with the way that bitch treats us! And you agree with everything she says, Martina! I don't care how our families join one day, but it's about time you were taught a lesson!

<Venus and Martina H. both stand up.>

Martina H. (trying to sound tough in a Swiss accent): You want a peece of mee?

Venus: Right now, bitch! Let's get this over with!

<Venus and Martina H. head off to a side room, glaring at each other. They step through and close the doors. Everyone else rushes forward and eagerly presses their ears against the doors, listening intently. From inside come the sounds of slaps, squeals, furniture crashing, and cries of, "Ow, let go of my hair, you bitch!">

<Inside the private room, Martina H. is clapping her hands together and squealing loudly while Venus pulls a tape player from a cupboard, where she stashed it earlier. She then pulls a tape out of her pocket and plays it. It is a recording of her and Martina continuing to "slap" each other, "fight" and "squeal." She places it near the door and they both sit down on the bench while the "fighting" continues.>

Martina H. (exhausted): Thank goodness. I couldn't have kept that up for another moment!

Venus: I know. It's getting harder and harder all the time to hide our relationship from our families. We can't go on like this!

Martina H.: I've missed you!

Venus: I've missed you, too!

<They fall into each other's arms and kiss passionately, then begin rolling around on the ground. The tape player continues to play sounds of them fighting.>

Kim: Boy, they're really going at it in there!

Serena: They sure are! Get her, Venus! Get her!

<Melanie and a man come into the locker room.>

Man: What's all this? What's going on?

<Everyone turns around.>

Steffi: Papa?!?!

Peter Graf: Hello, Stefanie.

Melanie: Where's Martina?

<The women all suddenly glance awkwardly at each other, trying not to look like they were just huddled by a set of closed doors.>

Justine: Um...she...just stepped out.

Melanie (sensing something is up): Oh. Well, I brought someone to help with the situation.

Lindsay: Ummm...how is a used car salesman-turned-tennis coach going to help us with a time portal?

Melanie: Well, the authorities wouldn't listen to me, and the operators at MIT wouldn't take my calls, calling me a crank caller, so I improvised. I figured that we needed a weird person to deal with weird situations. Richard Williams wasn't available, so I grabbed the nearest weird person I could find. <She looks at Patty.> Besides you.

Jelena Dokic (barely audible): And besides yourself.

<Serena and Steffi are both bristling at Melanie's insults, while Peter is wondering if he was just insulted or complimented.>

Melanie: So, anyway, Peter, that's a time portal. Do something useful for once in your life and get rid of it.

Steffi: That does it! I'm sick and tired of people insulting my father, whether he deserves it or not! I'm gonna...I'm gonna... <Steffi's face turns red.>

<Melanie just blinks at her in surprise, but no fear.>

Melanie: You're gonna what?

Steffi: I'm...I'm...oh, fuck it!

<Steffi explodes across the locker room on a dog-kicking rampage. Every little canine kept in a bag by a tennis player is fair game. The locker room is suddenly filled with the sights and sounds of little white fluffy poodles and terriers traveling hither and yon at high velocity. Half the women in the locker room leap to catch a dog before it goes splat against a wall. The other half leap forward to tackle Steffi.>

Steffi: Yah! <Kick.> Yah! <Kick> Yah! <Kick.>

Dogs: Yiiipe! :::whoosh::: Yiiipe! :::swish::: Yiiipe! :::whoosh:::

<The women manage to pin Steffi to the floor, with Peter in the mess trying to pull them off of her. Amelie is in the middle of the mess, also, but she is grabbing feels wherever she can with a huge grin on her face while pretending that she’s helping to pull women off of each other.>

<Eventually, all the women get to their feet. All the dogs were successfully caught, and all the dog-owners are hugging their little shivering, frightened animals.>

<Cliff Drysdale, Pam Shriver and Mary Jo Fernandez walk into the room with A/V equipment and begin setting it up.>

Monica: What are you doing?

Pam: We heard there was a time portal in here. We held a committee meeting, at which it was decided that it was a newsworthy event, so we’re going to start broadcasting about it.

Lindsay: Geeze, we need to get rid of it, not put it to sleep.

Jelena Dokic: Yeah. To make it really go away and never want to come back, we need Chris Evert and an NBC microphone.

Cliff: Well, we won’t be here long. Even though this is the most fascinating scientific event in the history of mankind, we’ll be sure to cut away from it the moment Andre Agassi takes the court to play his first-round match against someone he’ll blitz Love, Love and Love in 58 minutes. Don’t worry, we know what our viewers want to see!

<Mary Carillo walks in with John McEnroe.>

Lindsay (groaning): Oh, what now?

Mary Carillo: I figured if anyone could make something unpleasant go away it was…

<Mary gestures to John overdramatically with a huge smile, making a little joke. Jelena Dokic finishes Mary’s sentence.>

Jelena Dokic: …another unpleasant thing?

Pam Shriver: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to ESPN’s exclusive coverage of the Australian Open. We’re here in the women’s locker room where something strange has happened, and Mary Jo, it certainly is a beautiful day for strange scientific phenomena, isn’t it?

<Patty Schnyder begins snoring and falls to the ground.>

Maggie Maleeva (yawning): I figured she’d be the first to go.

Mary Carillo: This is getting out of hand.

Everyone: Yes, it is!

Mary Carillo: John, can you do anything about this time portal thingy?

John: Well, at one time, maybe, but I’ve taken the anger management classes, you know. Plus I don’t want to do anything in public. You know I’ve been trying to improve my image by blatantly introducing my children to the audience during tennis telecasts. I don’t want to mess all that up now.

<Mary looks glum. Monica’s face brightens as she has an idea, and she walks up to John and begins whispering into his ear. The others can barely make out the words “Wimbledon” and “doubles,” and Monica nods, almost imperceptibly, towards Steffi.>

John (his face getting darker): That’s right! I never really got a chance to deliver my full lecture to little-miss-super-blonde-betrayer over there!

<Steffi sighs and looks at the ceiling. Monica turns John around.>

Monica: Just think about Steffi to get you started, and then remember every official who ever pissed you off. Go for it!

<John McEnroe proceeds to curse out the time portal. As cursing-outs go, it is a work of art, a priceless beauty that would have made Shakespeare gasp and sailors weep. Daniela H. covers her ears, Patty Schnyder wakes up, and even JCap blushes. They all watch, spellbound, as the master delivers one of the truly great cursing-outs in the history of humankind. They humbly realize that they are in the presence of greatness.>

<So does the time portal. Cowed into submission by sheer vulgarity and ugliness, the portal shrinks to a dot, then disappears entirely.>

Everyone: Yay!

<Everyone hugs each other joyously. Anna K. embraces Patty S. Serena and JCap laugh and hug. Steffi and Monica find themselves in each other’s arms. Seconds later, they all realize what they’re doing and stand back, embarrassed and straightening their tennis skirts as if nothing happened.>

Lindsay (to Pam Shriver): Did you guys get all that?

Pam: We cut to Andre halfway through the climactic moment. But don’t worry, we’re giving the audience an update now.

Melanie: Now, would somebody please tell me where my daughter is!

<The doors on the other side of the locker room burst open. Venus and Martina H. walk through, their hair and make-up all messed up. Martina is quickly tucking in her shirt. Everyone looks at them expectantly.>

Patty: Martina! Venus! You missed all the fun and fireworks!

<Martina and Venus glance at each other.>

Martina and Venus (together): Oh, no we didn’t!


The End (Finally)

keta
Apr 9th, 2003, 01:34 PM
These are Great! :D:D